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#droves of people came out of the woodwork many of whom my sister explicitly said she hated
perktarts
·
1 year
Text
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#i long for the pathetic melancholy that moping brings about
#there is peace in it. like gentle rain
#when the clouds clear I burn up in the sun's boiling rage. struggling to resist becoming enthralled by it
#was this anger always here? repressed by a greater need? or have i been wronged and only now have i reached the boiling point?
#they say grief manifests in many ways
#i say that ever since elanor died everyone has only been patronizing me
#i read a book that said siblings often experience disenfranchised grief. that they're overlooked in favour of parents and children
#i say that couldn't be me. me and my sister were a pair. our reputation preceded us. people I've never met calling us the bannon boys
#surely people would know that I care deeply for my sister and we were extremely close
#people brush me off. blatantly.
#.......
#even my sister's dear friends brushed me off. even though we would know how each other hurt
#my sister's funeral was nothing but disrespectful to her memory
#droves of people came out of the woodwork many of whom my sister explicitly said she hated
#even the rituals and prayers felt disingenuous.
#.....
#i grow weary of living for other people. i grow weary of not loving myself for the convenience of others
#i tire of others expectations and disrespect
#the world doesn't love me it loves this parody of me. this mask i made for them
#i need to be me. i need to be the me i want to be. not the me i should be
#...
#it's almost cruel 🤣
#woe am i
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