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urikang-blog1 · 5 years

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Happy Birthday

Dear KP, I dont know if at this point, we are already in good terms with each other or if we are still apart and that we have decided to be apart, but I just want to greet you Happy 28th Birthday! Another year. Another gift of life and I do hope, na happy ka today. I am writing this on May 20. Second day since we broke up. I am crushed. When you left last Saturday after our fight and after we have decided to break up I felt like the door echoed and I felt the door shut like it shattered my heart to pieces. I sat there for I think an hour and sent you messages of what I felt. To be honest I was really sad to see you take it that easily. Without even asking to talk and to work things out. Just saying okay and leaving. Like it was nothing. For me that is the saddest part na okay ka na. Na okay na sayo na wala nalang tayo. Na yung 3 years na pinagsamahan naten sumuko ka na rin. You didnt even leave a message saying your thoughts or saying sorry. Napagod ka na siguro talaga. But you know, I realized na tama ka. na di si Chenee yung may kasalanan. Tayo and when I say tayo, that involves me as well. Ako. So I am really sorry. I am sorry for being an awful partner to you for the past few months especially nung LDR tayo. Im sorry na minura kita ng ganun. Kung pinaramdam ko na di kita kailangan. I feel like nagsuffer ka ng sobra given na wala ako tapos ganun tayo tapos mdami kang issues na naglabasan while wala ako. Which you have communicated to me and I knew but still inimpose ko parin sayo na ayusin tayo . Kahit sobrang kailangan mo ng support ko. Sorry if I failed at doing that. Sorry if I pushed you away by insisting that we fix things and that we dwell on our issues. I was waiting for you na amuhin ako. To make me feel like you want me and that you are sorry. A gesture of some sort para makabawi ka sa kasalanan mo sa mga masakit mong sinabi at sa ginawa mo. Pero ako di ko inisip na may mali rin ako pero ikaw di ka nagaantay ng gesture from me na bumawi. Gusto mo lang maging okay. Gusto mong maging normal. Para makabangon tayo. para maging maayos. Na alam mo siguro kung gnawa ko siguro hindi tayo umabot sa kung nasan tayo ngayon. Hindi ka siguro naghanap ng comfort ng iba. Kasi nandto ako as your partner para makausap mo. Sorry if I havent been a partner to you. Sorry na pinairal ko yung ego ko yung selfishness ko and for demanding na may gawin ka gaya ng lage mong gnagawa. I cant deny it hinahanap ko talaga yung efforts mo. Dati kasi pag nagaway tayo I will find you sa bahay at the end of the day to patch things up so we can talk or if not you are already up to something at gumising ka pa ng mas maaga sakin para maghanap ng bulaklak at pumunta ng dangwa o magisip ng kung anong pakulo maamo lang ako. Hinanap ko yun. I cried last night kasi akala ko, nasa side ka ng bed ko gaya ng away natin dati. I was hoping na sana totoo. Sana andun ka wanting na maging okay yung mga bagay. I dont know what happened what made you stop. Was it that you got tired? naubusan ka na ba ng fuel? Dont you feel like Im worthy of that? or na di mo nalang talaga ako mahal gaya ng dati? pero gaya ng sabi ko sayo I am equally responsible for that. You got tired because of me. Because I feel entitled. Because I felt like you have to prove that I am special because you had to always prove something and I understand that is tiring. thinking about it probably it felt like a chore given that you have already established that certain expectation vs siguro na dati freely mo syang gnagawa which is because gusto mo not because gusto ko. Nakakalungkot isipin yung fact na ayaw mo na na gawin yun pero I do understand na oo nakakapagod nga sya. Now regarding Chenee. When I was back tracking your messages I saw that your conversations started yung day na nagaway tayo dahil minessage ko sya. I dont know if you were trying to patch things up/compensate hence you started to message her. na akala ko, sa undertsanding ko di mo gagawin. So that again, I am responsible too. I pushed you to do that. I pushed you to talk to her. And I pushed you to hide it from me by talking somewhere else. It broke my heart when you told her na nasa slack ka lang sa phone. That she can reach you somewhere na wala akong visbility. Like you intended to do that. I dont know if naplant ba sa isip mo na may interest sya sayo so you took the chance? pero to me I felt like she was a threat and I made her a threat and now she is. I have let my insecurities take over me. and so yeah. I pushed you towards her. And now, may ganto na. Nagsinungaling ka na. Tinago mo na. Na kung iisipin mo siguro kung hanyaan ko lang. Siguro walang ganto. Siguro. Pero I wouldnt accept siguro na wala lang sya. Na wala ka lang pake sa kanya kasi obviously sa chats nyo may level of concern ka. na ang hirap tanggapin. and you even defended her. Pero wala na akong magagawa dun. anjan na at Im responsible din. So I do apologize for all of these. For the half ass relationship weve had for almost 3 months now. But I do want you to know na I do care for your happiness. Sorry if I have been really selfish. And youre right you dont just break off things like that like it was nothing. I have loved you for 3 years more than 3 years and I just ended it with a snap of the finger. I have been vile. I have said mean things and for that I am sorry. And if were not okay at this point, I totally understand. Because you didnt deserve that. Namanhid ka kasi naimmune ka sa dami ng away naten kaya wala nalang kaya natitiis mo nalang. Ang hirap tanggapin pero yun na yung nangyari. But I want you to know that I have loved you and that I am still loving you despite all of this. Despite the pain and the hurt and the chaos and the mess and the conflict. Im sorry If I have treated you like crap and for not giving you the respect you deserved. I am an awful partner and for that I am sorry. I really think that you deserved better. Not a crazy, toxic partner like me. And if Chenee is like that, and if you wanted to pursue her, I wouldnt blame you and its okay. This is me letting go of you and all of the hate and looking back at the memories and the moments that weve had. Everything that you have done for me and the people I love. For being my partner and my bestfriend. For being a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, for being my home. for being my world for almost 4 years. I feel bittersweet as I am writing this, because I am in pain and I really miss you. I really miss the old us. I miss the happy us. The crazy about each other us. Ngayon kasi we just drive each other crazy. I really felt like we got tested kasi nga diba smooth seas dont make good sailors. If we didnt survive it then there is a reason. Baka I was in your life and you were in my life to be a lesson. Ang sakit isipin tho na yung 3 years and yung amount ng love all for a lesson. A hard lesson. That relationships are hardwork. Being a relationship is a decision and a choice you make, every single day. No matter how difficult. No matter how hard. No matter how tough. But I do hope that you know that I really loved you more than I loved anyone else and I really wish na maging happy ka. Wala akong pinagsisihan sa pinagsamahan naten. It was picture perfect specially nung nasa bubble tayo. We were a good team. I know we could have been really good parents. I know youre going to be a really great dad and a good husband and anyone you will love will be really happy and I am glad kasi even for a short while naranasan ko na mahalin ng ganun. Mahalin ng walang reservations. Mahalin ng extra mile. Salamat, baby ko. Salamat mahal ko. Salamat. Ang sakit sakit na sa sulat na to nagpapaalam ako sayo kasi feeling ko nasa cross roads tayo. Climax ba. Yung point na di alam yung kasunod. Pero isa lang ang alam ko mahal kita at sana sa panahong nakasama kita, hindi man sa latter part ng relasyon naten naparamdam ko kung gano kita kamahal at kung gano ka kahalaga sakin. Kung wala na talagang tayo at this point sana matupad mo lahat ng gusto mo. Too bad wala ako to celebrate today or to celebrate the next milestones of your life. You are a good person with a really really beautiful heart and I thank you for the love and know that you deserve the best things in life. Thank you for the years that you have shared with me and for loving me and giving your all to the point na wala ka nang mabigay. I am letting you go and I am hoping you would come back but I wouldnt impose. Kung bumalik ka man gusto ko na kusa at na gusto mo talaga hindi dahil sinabi ko or na nirequire ko. Gusto ko na bumalik ka kasi narealize mo na gaya ko hindi mo rin kaya na wala ako sa buhay mo at na gusto mong ayusin at gusto mo na tayo parin sa dulo.

If we are still together, know that these are my thoughts and my realizations while we are apart and you know what I wish I could turn back time so we can relive those days na di tayo okay o na nagtitiisan tayo. I am sorry for this phase. I really am.

Mahal na mahal kita. I love you Uri

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