#i kust dont know how to explain it

[cohozuna]

one of the biggest things i had to come to grips with art wise is that i can do realism pretty well but just completely fail at anything stylized. sure i can make a pretty picture from what i see but what does it matter when the only thing people take from it is "waow so good thought it was a picture" yeah its a compliment but its one that makes me feel awful bc i realize i do not want my shit to look like a picture. i FUCKING SUUUUCK at drawing and that isnt me being hehe quirky artist who says they cant draw and actually can i mean this shit is difficult as fuck and nobody would understand the extent to how awful i am at actually drawing unless they see me try to. all of my finished pieces were absolutely painstaking and i see ppl do the stuff that takes me many hours much quicker and with more personality with about the same experience shit makes me insane i am trying to learn but my god its like my brain just does not want to cooperate with me it makes it so so hard because i just have an awful mental block. genuinely used to just draw effortlessly (albeit not as well so at least i AM improving somewhat) but now even the simplest shit just overwhelms me. idk what it is. i like to think im pretty good with paintings but god it is so so difficult to do what i wanna without it taking far too long. i am so jealous of ppl who can do quality sketches on a whim. ive noticed i do a lot better blocking out a silhouette and then drawing lines over that when i sketch. makes me think im just not very line-brained?? stupid way to put it idgaf its 5 am. Truly the best thing has been drawing on a shared canvas or on stream idk why it works but it does it just kinda lets me actually make something. i dont wanna just whinge and cry about it but it is truly aggravating and so deeply frustrating to feel like im regressing in my ability to Just Draw because its undoubtedly a psychological thing. ive just been in this rut for yrs now its awful. thinking about buying a sketchbook again tbh

#goodnight #i kust dont know how to explain it #i know im not unique here i am not the specialest most tormented artist #but holy fuck does it feel like its especially bad for me #its been like this for years now #im getting better while drawing far less and with much greater difficulty #i think im just mentally ill im ngl #its some sort of fear of inadequacy i dont know god that is so gay DHUT UP!!! #i wanna enjoy art again and i wanna do it more often god damnit im going to make it happen #ive been taking steps to at elast try and make it happen again i just cannot keep being in this damn rut i hate it #god i am so mad i #and i do enjoy my paintings i just think #that theyre lame #when i do them again i want to do more original shit and put some meaning and feeling to it beyond 'waow impressive' #i have lots of ideas for shit like that its just difficult ss fuck to actuslly get myself to do it #lazy motherfucker!!!

[onmymasa22]

I am over the moon grateful to have been able to stay with family during the war. To be a jew anywhere is not simple right now, and its easiest to breathe in a home. And with that i am also really grateful to be If i wrote a book about falling in love with someone i cant have, the last lines would go like this:

You dont need to be angry with people. We have this idea that if someone wrongs ou, you are supposed to rave war. But just because i dont react, doesnt mean that what u did wasok. U r an idiot. I have moved on from that. How i react wont make you more or lessthat what i know u r. All it does is wastes my time. But make no mistake, kust be ause i choose not to respond to u,doesnt mean ur good.

And i told him, as chilly november wind blew, as we sat on the bus stop bench. 11am, a lit cigarette in my hand. I told him that i believed with my whole being that we would meet in a different lifetime. The feeling i got from him was that we knew eachother. An instant connection. He felt like a version of home. I knew that in a past life, we were married. We were so extatically happy together. That couple that disgusts you and simultaniously makes you believe in love. That kind of love. We were lying in bed, and you asked me if i thought we'd love eachother forever. And i promised that id love you for a thousand lifetimes. And here we are now. And i love you, im fulfilling a promise i made, but being with you is not going to happen in this lifetime

Im happiest when im there alone

Im in a mood of smoking weed with friends. Drinking vodka cranberry and watching a stupid movie.

Watch indiana johns something something lost ark... can someone explain to me why its known for being about good versus evil... the nazis are evil, but then the ark goes to the americans which is pretty mediocre... cuz indy wanted it to be something and america put it in the closet.

To everyone whos personality is empathetic but quiet. Where you're not going to post or talk about everyone you feel connected to. Those who fall apart from seeing pictures or images of people you dont eben need to know to feel as awful as anyone else. To those who are seasonally depressed anyway and the war doesn't help. To those who knowone will ever know just how many souls you connect to you because all you need is a voice, a picture, a video and you feel like you know them. To those who conside themselves a leg and the person who we lost an arm, who feel the loss, who understand how weird it is to be sorry for your loss,

I want a degree and then to get a job while looking for my dream job. I want a little apartment outside of the city.

Get a job

Live outside the city

Move in the summer

Get a job and work 4 times a week as a student

Live off of my money, start living my life

Work in rishon for the year- make up the classes

13&13 or 12&12

Weddings and funerals both have a special way of polarising people. You either know them or you dont. You were closer friends versus not so close. I always thought it was weird the feeling people get by being closer to an event, theres a justification that always happens where youre allowed to be extra happy or upset the closer you are. It sounds weird, but i always found the energies at celebrations and tragedies a curiosity. But for the empaths who feel it all but dont talk alot, who only need a video, a picture, a voice, to feel "unjustifiably" affected by a loss in our nation. Where you feel it all but noone says "im so sorry for your loss" cuz why should they. Where you find yourself wishing you knew them cuz then it wouldnt be so weird when you cry, people would just understand. Im gonna tell you: you are normal. Whether you knew the person, and whether you didnt know the person, wherever you are on that spectrum, i am so sorry for your loss.

You know as jews we kind of are a part of one body, and i might be a leg, and a lost person is an arm and i feel

Other girls might have been friends with a bunch of guys. Been really gross with guys. Bikinis on the beach, every night partying, friends and cars. India and sinai. Other girls might miss stuff like that. But do u know what i miss? I miss how i met ur mother marathons. I miss ordering pizza and eating way too much. I miss talking through greys anatomy about great scenes or whats medically correct. I miss going out to buy candy in onesies. I miss the one time drinking and watching the stupidest movie known to man. I slept so good that night. I miss the first time i ever smoked weed. I was in a bad mood, and the weed made me forget, and i stayed in a chill mood that whole night. I miss dancing on the kibbutz, we all secretly glt drunk at 10am and spent the day dancing. I miss the birthday party my pants caught on fire. We were under a bridge and it started raining and we were all soaked and just started dancing our butts off in the pouring rain at 3am. I miss the first day i felt pretty. The day i could look at myself and didnt want to hide in ramat gan. I miss the fireworks when the arab guy kissed me. The first guy i liked kissing me. Wjen he asked for my number. I miss my 21st birthday birthday where i felt so much gdly presence i was floating and gave out flowers at the hospital. I miss my first time in israel meeting the israeli soldiers. My life may not have the same amount of pictures as everyone. I dont care what i wore that day. But i had a spectacular life. Mostly i miss the calm of sitting abd eating pizza and watching tv with friends. Thats what i love the most. Ive had loud obnoxious in your face kind of adventure. Not the same adventure as everyone else. And maybe theure jealous of me- i had a crazy adventurous life. I lived in California knowing noone. I never really had an apartment- its too adulty for me. Its ok that their life seems so great. It isnt. I dint want it. I want my life. My life, with its regrets, is incredible. Its a story of a girl who knew it would get better. And then it did. It was spectacular.

A millionaire businessman needs to go to europe for two weeks. He goes to the bank and says id like to take out a loan for 500 dollars, im going to europe for two weeks. They need collateral so he says heres the key to my new jaguar. Ok, he goes to europe. Comes back two weeks later, back to the bank. He says whats the interest i owe they say 13.50. He gives them the 500 dollars back. He pays them the 13.50. He gets his keys back. The bank says mr businessman, if you're rich enough to have a jaguar, why did you need to take out a loan for 500 dollars? The business guy says where else could i have parked my car in Manhattan for 13.50 for two weeks

I want written on a teeshirt:

You can treat me like crap. You probably wont go up in flames or melt. Youll just have to deal with it in your next reincarnation while im in gan eden. But you are totally welcome to make the wrong decision. Thats you free choice.

I bought a perfume from giorgio armani a year and a half ago, my first time in italy. I wore it everyday and enjoyed smelling fresh- shampoo meets counter cleaner. I loved it so much that this past summer i finished the 80 dollar bottle. For me, perfume and mascara are an everyday thing that helps me feel alive and ready to go out. Before going out, i spray it on, and my favorite compliment is man, u smell good. I havent worn perfume for months. Definitely since the war started, its turned life upside down and i really havent thought about perfume. It seemed so vain. But for my birthday, i got a new bottle of the same lemon counter cleaner perfume, and i sprayed it today,and it just makes me so happy. Happy thati have t been in a while. Its like the perfume makes me feel ok. Like im ok. I can start the day. It just made me fall inlove with myself, and remember when life was just going about the day, hanging out with friends, late night car rides, dinners, sweaters, going to school, thrift shopping, beach days. When i felt ok. This is so important. It was a birthday that i wish i could tell myself the last like 4 birthdays- u will hve a birthday that makes up for all of it. Not because its some blow out birthday,but it actually was my favorite birthday since i was 20 and gave out fowers at the hospital. This birthday was just good. I took it gracefully. I wanted cupcakes and perfume. Guy texted me and that made me feel the best. Some friends wrote on my facebook page, some friends texted me. I just was quietly happy. Guy saying when can we meet up really made my day. I just felt loved by people likd i deserve the best. A guy will comd who deserves me. Who loves everything about me. Who will accept my faults and i can be honest with. Someone who sees me for who i am. Maybe i am someone who affects people around me. Im someone people remember.

Why do people have free choice to be an ass.

[zeynepbal]

2 days ago at umeda station, while rushing to buy sweets for the people graduating from our dept, I saw a funny walking pigeon around. At first I smiled but then I felt so bad since I kind a understood what was the problem. The closer I got the worse felt I. Because there were some dirt lapped around its ankle and it was trying to walk with it. Since I had no chance to catch it and clean that dirt, my eyes brimmed with tears. I know what s next. It will lose its claws and will become a cripple. That feeling of pity I still cannot get over.

I have always been a person like this, when something is so funny for people, I always am thinking what if next? This may be why I dont like to make fun of people’s outlook or feelings. To The situations or experiences I can laugh at hard but other cases no. To me only The things I can make fun of myself, is applicable for other people. However unless they are okay with those, I ll get it and will never make fun of.

This is some how an okayish personality I think.

But I do never get people who make fun of other people’s feelings or outlook. You can never know what causes that person to feel that way etc.

When I was growing up I saw girls bragging about how many boys were into them and classifying them as their families’ social status, popularity, money and handsomeness. I remember a day, their asking me to join them while I was reading my book and eating my lunch during lunch break. I went next to them, I didnt get why they were so cruel, I didnt smile at all and told them I needed to keep on reading and left them with in 5 minutes. The stuff I heard I observed I saw caused me to be kind a distant to people. So they got me and it was never a topic when we were together even when we became good friends.

I also saw boys categorizing the girls due to their leg lenght, ass, beauty, sexiness instead of their having a good heart or etc. Neither in junior high/high school nor in university, I attended any of those beauty contests altho there was a pressure on me in university to attend one. I was like “I dont like that stuff where people are categorizing women and men due to their outlook”. Altho it was something that I might have had to attend because of the “the most populars should attend” rule and it might have had understood as I was afraid of competing, I didnt give a damn shit.

When I was a primary school student there was an entrance exam for special type of high schools which educates in english only (there were others also like in french and german and only science schools) and in order to have the chance to attend those 7year long high schools you had to have a nearly perfect GPA in primary school and you had to do well in central exams. So when we enrolled into those high schools we were 10 years old. During our education they divided the ecam into two parts and gave a chance to people to enter into those high schools after junior high also. So when I was at 9th grade there were new comers. Since they got to know me durşng 9th grade most of the new comers thought I was a very cold distant and arrogant person (thanks to icq that I was able to learn how they were feeling about me at least. Because our high school had a group in icq to share documents etc and I was helping people with an annonymous name so they were starting chatting with me. So in the end when they learnt that I was Zeynep Bal they were like -omg? Can it be true. You are so distant always that I wasnt able to look at your face to say hi. You are always in the mood of I created the whole universe. And I was smiling in front of the screen and telling them no it s just how I seem and telling them to ask me to other people who knew me for more than 3-4 years so they could tell them how clown I was.-

The point is, I was also so crystal clear when I first started high school that they hecked me so nice with lots of misunderstandings that I had a defense mechanism against those newcomers instead of against the people who hecked me well. I was kust trying not to show true myself to those people in order them not to break me apart also. Some kind of a defense mechanism. Since I saw how people can be mean and rude. During university education I think since it was METU, we were all a like and I wasnt put into a class of people that I had to get on well, so I chose my friends by myself. That I had a fairly nice collage life. I was staying away from the people who judge or make fun of others due to their feelings or outlook. This time it was only me my books my close friends and my car. Whenever I wanted to run away from people I had the chance to drive far away, to a place next to mountains read my book and drink my cup of tea or hot choco etc. So I got used to show my trueself to people again because they were the ones that I chose them to be around.

But there still were some people (知り合い) which you cannot escape to know if you are known a lot, who were making fun of people like

“See that guy eww he likes me 気持ち悪い” etc. Or some guys doing similar stuff to girls. I was listening and asking them “how do you know that that person likes you?” And they were telling me “because he or she cares a lot, gets red while speaking with them etc”

I was smiling silently and telling them they really might be very wrong. But wasnt explaining my reasons.

Still I think like that. Because any one can be like me. To Any person you can ask I still am getting reddish to my ears when someone I respect/dont know/like(as a friend) tells me something good, compliments me or gives me presents (even a candy) because I especailly find it embaressing to hear those good words about me (I am even red now while writing this). And similar stuff happens when I do the same thing to people. After Giving presents while that person (even a close friend) is thanking me I get red. So this doesnt mean anything

“Caring too much” It s something in my genes I think. Even to the people at high school who broke me, cursed me, hurt me many times, I was always caring. When they broke their arma legs or when they were sick etc, I was the one who tried to help them. Not in order to be friends again but because I was a human being. And caring doesnt always mean that that person even likes you as a human. When they were excluded from class, since I was against that kind of stupidity I always chose to support them. And misunderstood again. People thought I dont like the people in the class etc. No I dont like the “exclusion system and was trying to tell them not to do”

2days ago while I was walking to school I saw 2 bugs with in leaves trying to save themselves because they were upside down. I took a leaf and put them next to a tree. Of course I cant save all the bugs to be smashed under the feet of people but I saw them so I cared for them. Because i thought I might be this bug. Who can know how the universe works? Who can know if I ll be here in this world again and this time as a bug. I just start feeling like that person or a living thing when ever I saw some one or a living thing in a bad situation and I feel the pain. I just cannot stop myself so I help or care for them. Can you say that I am in love with that bug?

I think no

I grew up with the word “behave people in a way that you want them to behave to you. But just dont expect them to be in the same way” I got the first one. But didnt learn the 2nd sentence. This is why I am broken easily.

When my kindness, friendliness etc is misunderstood I dont get it. I start thinking thinking thinking until I get sick and cry everyday meaninglessly.

Then I heal suddenly one day and keep on doing mistakes again.

What I want from kami sama this year is just send people to me who are just like me in heart. Otherwise breathing is really hard.