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benelman · 4 years

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ben & tommy ; movie night @fitslikeacardigan

tommy

Tommy spent the past hour getting ready for movie night. He made popcorn, ordered food, and had made a carefully curated dessert table. He grinned and queued up Netflix on the tv just as he heard a knock on the door, leaping up and getting tangled in the oversized hoodie he was wearing as he staggered his way to the door. “Dude!” He threw the door open and beamed at the boy on the porch. “Child’s Play, Nightmare before Christmas, Or Corpse Bride?”

ben

Ben would never say no to a movie night. They were opportunities to both rewatch old favorites and expand his horizons. They also were conducive to wearing oversized sweaters and cuddling up with friends or partners under a shared blanket, occasionally talking over the movie, and losing track of time. So he was glad to go over to Tommy's for one of these movie nights. Giving him a smile, Ben shrugged off his coat, draping it over one arm, a plastic grocery bag in his hand. "Corpse Bride, I guess? Honestly, man, I'm down for whatever you'd want to watch - it's been ages since I've seen any of those." Going to toe off his shoes, he rested one arm against the wall to keep his balance, still smiling with excitement. "Oh - snacks are in the bag- gimme a minute, I don't want to fall over."

tommy

almost literally lit up when Ben mentioned the Corpse Bride. “Dude that snd Beetlejuice are my favorites!” He left the boy to right himself and hopped over to show him the snacks he had laid out. “Set em here! Help yourself. I got your favorite from the diner and so much candy.” He beamed and flopped back on the couch, panting in an attempt to catch his breath because he had been talking way too fast. “Jeeze.... and we have tons of drinks too. Help yourself.”

ben

Following him in after making sure that his shoes were off and pushed out of the doorway - not wanting to cause any trips - Ben set the bag down on the coffee table, draping his coat over the back of the couch. "Yeah, this is mostly all candy - I can't remember, are you pro-candy corn or anti-candy corn? I bought some, but if you're anti-, I'll eat it myself." Going to sit down on the couch, he gave Tommy an affectionate smile. "Catch your breath, maybe drink some water?"

tommy

“i like it but only the orange part.” He was aware of how weird that was but he just smiled and shrugs. “I’m ok. Just got too hyped.” He laughed and reached for the sandwich he had bought for himself. “As soon as you’re ready i’ll start the movie.... and i’m apologizing in advance. The end of this movie always makes me cry. Like.... ugly sob.”

ben

"Only the orange part? It tastes the same--" That had Ben thinking about the taste of candy corn; he was pretty sure that the whole thing tasted the same. Reaching into the bag he brought, he pulled the candy corn out, taking a little bite of just the tip, then just the orange part. "Yeah, tastes the same, but whatever, man - enjoy the orange part." Pushing the bag into the center of the table, he leaned back against the couch, getting settled in. "Ready when you are. And don't worry about that - I cry during movies, too. I'm not gonna judge you at all."

tommy

“i know. But i can’t eat generic cheetos or fruity pebbles either.” He shrugged and stood up, grabbing the remote as he flopped down beside him and started the movie. He sat like a child; knees to his chest, as he finished the sandwich and started on a bowl of chips he’d sat on the coffee table. When Victor started to play the piano, Tommy smiled softly. “God i wish i could play the piano that nicely. I’m so out of practice....”

ben

"Cheetos are bad, but I'm not letting go of Fruity Pebbles. Those are good. I may be a grown-ass man, but I'm not trading my sugar cereal in for, like, plain Cheerios yet." Draping one arm over the back of the couch as he tried to get comfortable, Ben kept his eyes on the TV, reaching to steal a chip every so often. "Hey, at least you've got some experience. I can't do instruments. Like... at all. I suffered through music ed in school and then immediately gave up. But if you want to pick it up again, why don't you find someplace you can practice? There's gotta be somebody willing to teach you around here."

tommy

“or cornflakes.” He wrinkles his nose. “They were made for women as an anti-masterbatory food.” He paused. “It didn’t work.” He laughed. “Yeah... i guess i could. It’s my minor at school and they do have piano rooms.” He paused again. It was something to think about.

ben

"Yeah, I knew that. That Kellogg's guy was..." He whistled under his breath, shaking his head. "But some of his cereals still have merit. Like Frosted Flakes. And I genuinely like Corn Pops, too." Nodding enthusiastically, Ben bumped his shoulder against Tommy's. "Nothing's stopping you. I say go for it, man."

tommy

He laughed. “Imagine being so scared of women discovering their sexuality you try to take it away completely. Does not compute.” He grinned and turned back to the movie, eating and watching in silence until Victor accidentally proposed to the bride. “Hey did i show you my latest sketch?”

ben

"Imagine being scared of women and it being in a... like, y'know, non-sexual way. Could not be me..." he mumbled under his breath, shaking his head. Carding a hand through his own hair nonchalantly as the movie played, he kept picking at the array of snacks on the table, only looking over at Tommy when he spoke up again. "Huh? Oh - no, I don't think so. I'm down to see it, though, for sure."

tommy

looked over at Ben with a grin, planting a kiss on his temple before stretching his slender body over him to reach his bag. He pulled out his sketch pad and turned to the last page where a pencil drawing of Ben was. He passed it back to him and grinned. He hoped he wouldn’t find it creepy. He had a habit of drawing his friends and acquaintances when he was feeling down.October 8, 2020

ben

Smiling at the kiss to his temple, Ben had to resist the urge to kick his feet up on the coffee table. He could practically hear his mother's voice in his head chiding him and telling him to sit properly. Adjusting his posture slightly, he leaned more of his weight against the back of the couch, hearing his coat slip to the floor behind it. He'd grab it later. Reaching to take the sketchbook, he let his eyes adjust slightly before examining the sketch. "Oh, shit, that's me--" he muttered in astonishment. No one had ever drawn him before. "That's really good, man. Like... really good."

tommy

smiled at the compliment. “Thanks. I did it over the past few days. Drawing people helps me calm down when i’m having anxiety.” He moved to sit up before getting distracted by the film, humming softly along to the song that was playing on the tv as Victor found himself panicking in the afterlife.

ben

"I could never get proportions right in art class. All I was really good for in high school was English analysis, baseball, and... like, submission studies, but that's a whole different ballpark." Still looking down at the sketchbook, he didn't want to let it go quite yet. "But I'm glad this helps you. It's a good thing - funneling anxiety into art." Eventually drawing his attention back to the movie, he set the sketchbook down in his lap, tilting his head towards Tommy ever so slightly.

tommy

He grinned at that and shook his head. “Drawing people in the nude was how I realized I wasn’t straight,” he admitted ruefully, pushing himself up and sitting back in his spot. “Don’t feel bad though. I did your profile because i couldn’t get your second eye to look right.” He didn’t say anything else about his anxiety. “I always feel so bad for Emily. She just wants to be loved....”

ben

Smiling at that, he looked over at him. Mine was... god, was it really so long ago that I don't remember? I don't know - we went to school with a lot of handsome guys, I think. Might've been them. But it was probably a movie star." He was sure he could remember if he thought about it hard enough. "Maybe Captain Von Trapp in Sound of Music? I haven't seen that movie in ages..." Shaking his head, he decided to give up on trying to remember and pay attention to both the movie and his friend. "Well, I could draw you as a stick figure, if you want. That's about as much as I can do for you in return, though." When the conversation turned towards the movie, he nodded in agreement. "I understand that feeling... aches pretty deep inside."

tommy

He paused to think about it. “Huh.... i never thought about it. I probably had a thing for Donald o’Connor in singing in the rain. Have you seen that one? It is so much fun. Maybe next movie night should be old musicals.” He grinned. “Captain Von Trapp js a good choice though.” He laughed. “If you draw me anything i will keep it forever.” He grew quiet and nodded. “Hurts like hell....” he ran the flat of his palm over his chest; right above his heart. He was starting to wonder if he would ever get over that feeling. If he would let it....

ben

"Oh, yeah. That was on my syllabus for my 1950s film and TV class at school. Masterpiece, honestly. But I'd be down to do a musicals night. I grew up watching them, and I feel like it's been ages since I've seen most of them. I can't even remember the last time I watched a Disney movie." Pushing a hand through his hair again, he tried to think back. He'd seen Coco in theaters - was that really the last one? "I don't have a pencil or anything, but remind me later, and I'll draw stick figure Tommy." Nodding along, Ben's fingers traced over a thread in his jeans. "Yeah..." he muttered, biting the inside of his cheek, hands trying to busy themselves in any way possible. "Sucks."

tommy

laughed. “Known a lot of them so we can pick a few and go from there.” He loved musicals and had even managed to learn the dances to a few of them, Hairspray included. “Uh.... Onward? Barley is my hero” he nudged him then got quiet. There was a lot he could say, and he trusted Ben so much. It would feel good to- “my mom disowned me when she found out i liked boys too....” he blurted before he could stop himself, his hand slapping across his mouth. He had never told anyone before and now it was out. He wished he could take it back and stuff it down his throat.

ben

"That works for me," he agreed, shifting his weight against the couch. "Did not see Onward." Tommy's next words caught him completely off-guard. He figured he should probably pause the movie to discuss this, but he couldn't find the remote. "Shit, man..." he muttered, rubbing at the back of his neck. "I'm... really sorry, if there's ever anything you need, I mean... it's not like I make a ton of money, but, like, anything else, I'd be happy to help out with... that... fucking sucks." That was the best that he could do. His heart ached for Tommy - he couldn't imagine something like that happening to him. "I'm here for you."

tommy

He felt ashamed for blurting it out like that, pausing the movie so they could finish it. He leaned over his knees and ran his hands through his hair. “I... it’s fine.... She was toxic. She was before i even got caught.... but if your own mother can’t love you why should you expect anyone else too, ya know?” He had turned to sex to heal the ache but he never allowed them to get close, get serious. What happened when they got tired and left him too? He didn’t think he could stand being abandoned again. “I’m... i dont know why i said that. I’m sorry...”

ben

"No, you don't have anything to be sorry for," he quickly piped up, not wanting Tommy to feel bad about admitting those sorts of things to him. Ben couldn't know that pain - his whole family was a rather tight-knit unit, and, while they all had their spats, they did all love each other. He couldn't imagine it being any other way. "Fuck her. You'll find somebody, some Dominant who makes you forget about all of that self-doubt. It's gonna hurt for a long, long time, but... I mean, yeah. It might hurt forever. But I don't doubt that you're gonna find somebody who loves you like you deserve."}

tommy

“i dont let people get close, Ben.... i sleep around and let them bruise me and bite me but i never stay. I leave the first chance i get.... what if something is wrong with me...?” His voice cracked and he swallowed the painful knot in his throat. “What if i never find anyone and i have to be alone...?” He met his gaze finally, tears glimmering on his lashes. “What if she broke something in me and i never get it fixed...?”

ben

The conversation was a little overwhelming, but he wouldn't admit that. Tommy needed his support - he could have his own existential crisis about dying unclaimed later. Pulling him into a hug, Ben kissed his hair, letting him hide his face. "I'm... definitely not a therapist, so I can't tell you how to safely go about this, but... have you maybe tried non-sexual submission? Just... letting somebody else be in charge for a little while?" Ben knew that he craved that pretty frequently; maybe it would help Tommy, somehow. "I don't think you're broken inside."

tommy

He presses his face into the crook of his neck, allowing himself to be taken care of even if only for a moment. “No.... i’m only good for sex. Why would anyone want me for anything else...?” There, just like that, another insecurity was out on the table. Once he started he couldn’t stop. “I just.... worry...” he finally admitted. “Youre the only person i’ve told.”

ben

"Who told you that you're only good for sex?" That would have probably destroyed Ben's self-confidence, if anyone had ever said that to him. That was part of the reason why degradation was on his list of limits. Scratching Tommy's back, he nods. "I worry, too. If that helps you. I think we all do. We all want to find our match, settle down. I promise you aren't only good for sex. I mean it - nonsexual submission is... really nice. I'm sure there're people out there willing to try it out with you." Taking deep breaths to try to get Tommy to mimic him, Ben nodded. "Well, it's our secret. I won't tell anybody."

tommy

“No one did.... that’s just how I feel... and i do it to myself because i don’t let anyone get close enough to prove otherwise.” He presses his face against Ben’s shoulder, willing himself not to cry. “I’m just twenty-three... i have time... but i see people starting relationships and being happy and I can’t help but feel deficient....” he sighsx and sat up, ruffling his hair unhappily. “I’ll remember that though... maybe that will help...” he exhaled and tried to center himself. “Thanks, Ben....”

ben

Pushing his hand through Tommy's hair, Ben did his best to be comforting to him. He understood the way that he was feeling, understood how it could be damaging to somebody's mental health. "Dude, I'm twenty-five, I've got two years on you. So don't feel deficient or whatever, because, if you're deficient, what does that make me? You aren't deficient. You just aren't getting what you deserve." There were definitely times that Ben worried about his age, but there were other times that he remembered that people had been older than he was and found their Claim eventually. "I'm here for you. Really. If you need anything, just give me a call."October 11, 2020

tommy

He let the older boy gently pet his hair, basking kn the gentleness of his touch. “I worry maybe i don’t deserve anything....” he admitted quietly, hand grabbing anxiously at the arm of the couch. “Thanks ben.... i didnt mean to unload on you like that.....” he exhaled. “Thanks for staying...”

ben

"I think everybody's worried about that at one point or another," he murmured in response, nodding. Ben knew that he'd had worries like that of his own. He had his own issues with body image, of what it meant to be a good submissive, of what it took to deserve love. It had taken a lot of self-love and introspection to get past it. "I don't mind. I'm here for you, like I said. I mean it."October 13, 2020

tommy

hugged Ben, perhaps for a bit too long, before sitting up and wiping his eyes. “Thanks”,” he offered an apologetic smile and started the movie up again, reaching for the caramel corn.

ben

Hugging him back, Ben kept rubbing his back, trying to ground him a little bit. When he pulled away, he nodded, adjusting the way he was sitting slightly. "Yeah, no problem, man. It's seriously no big deal. I'm here." Reaching for the bag of M&Ms he brought, he gave him a smile before turning his eyes back to the movie.

tommy

tried to forget the outburst he had just had, chomping on popcorn as the movie reached the end. He wiped his eyes again as Emily vanished in a flock of blue butterflies and laughed. “God this movie is always such a gut punch....”

ben

"Sometimes that's a good thing, you know...? That catharsis. Being able to feel something, even when it's hard to feel things." He felt like he was rambling about nothing, hand still buried in the resealable bag of M&Ms. "Feels good to feel something."October 14, 2020

tommy

nodded. “Sometimes if i’m feeling numb i’ll watch something sad on purpose....” he admitted softly. His coping mechanisms were... honestly far from healthy but he had made them somehow work over the years.

ben

"I don't think that's the worst idea... sometimes you just need to feel something." Ben had done that at least a handful of times, but he tended to default towards his comfort movies when he was feeling off. "Have you seen Mamma Mia?"

tommy

perked up at his question. “No! But I love ABBA. What’s it about?” He sat up and turned to Ben, sitting up and sitting on the couch cross legged facing him. “I’m actually shocked i havent seen it. Meryl streep is a goddess.”

ben

"It's my comfort movie, not even gonna lie. It's about a girl who's getting married, but she doesn't know which one of three men is her dad, so she invites them all to this island in Greece to come to her wedding so she can figure out who her dad is. And they sing ABBA the whole time. And it's really good." Typically, Ben wouldn't admit to Mamma Mia being his comfort movie, but he felt like Tommy needed to have something positive to turn towards, and there was no harm in admitting it.

tommy

looked utterly delighted as Ben explained the plot of the movie, laughing at the ridiculousness of it. “I bet i will love it!” He grinned. “We can watch that one next time we have a movie day.” He bounced in his seat slightly, too excited to worry about anything a the moment

ben

Glad that he could turn Tommy's mood around, Ben smiled, nodding in agreement. "Definitely. I will never say no when someone proposes a watch party of Mamma Mia. Seriously." He'd lost track of the number of times' he'd seen it, but he didn't care - he was just glad that he could help someone else's mood improve.

#tommy perlman.

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