#i knew tumblr lesbians wouldnt let me down

[theaterboyinwonderland]

U make me answer 25 q I make u answer 1-50 :^)

Hey! Fuck you you hoe :D Tumblr mobile wouldnt let me.copy paste so i wrote this shit in a google doc admire how.much energy i put into this. You fuck 1) counter couch or top of the dryer? Easy couch its comfy and easy to sit on. Plus diff postions are easier2) Your last sexual encounter? Good or bad and why? Depends,  do u count phone sex? If so ugh…? A week ago? irl probs like...4 or 5 months ago. For real sex like 2 or 3 years. Phone sex was good! My mans hot. Irl dude was also goo! Hes a pretty close friend ive hooked up with b4 and probs will later but eh. And for real sex god he sucked. Last longer bro3)Fictional person you think would be good in bed? Lust from FMA.4)Something that never fails to make you horny?  A guy biting my neck and saying “like that baby/love/ect” my neck is SUPER sensitive and a homie love a good pet name5)Where is one place youd never have sex? A hospice 6)The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when? I was with the dude from 2 and we were both WASTED. He like wanted me.to blow him so naturally i did but he thrusted into me without telling me. Now heres the thing i got a gag reflex but i can control it kinda well. Drunk me however cant and if a long phallic thing goes down outta nowhere i also cant. Anyway so i puked on him. Needless to say we didnt finish that night. 7) Weirdest thing to ever turn you on? When i was a kid id get horny  hearing the sex sounds from fable. Which after replaying them are SOOO bad8)What is the best way to sexually bind someone?Im a sub bottom dude dont fuvking ask me. Probs get them to love you?9)Fastest way to make you horny? Pin me to a bed force eye contact and then kiss/bite me neck/throat. Dirty talk also helps.10Top or bottom? Bottom 11)We were about to have sex but then…. I probs said im tired 12)Is one orgasm enough ? Are multiple necessary? SEE…depends..i fucking HATE over stim. I legit banned jd from doing it to me. THAT BEING SAID. If irs an ALL NIGHT thing and i only.cum.once (probs at the end edging fuck) im gonna be a mess. 13)Something you've hidden in your room that you dont want anyone to find? The body14)Weirdest  nickname a SO has ever called you? Ugh...idk ive never gotten more than babe till i started dating jd and his are nice like baby/my prince/my everything. I use cringy ones like darling  sweetie honey. Ughh t help one guy see if he liked she/her pronouns i called him princess. He later decided he like he/him so i just called him my prince15)Two things u like about oral? Taste, hearing a guy get more horny and start that low whimper/moan when they're close.16) weirdest sexual act someone has ever preformed  or tried to perform on you? All of my so and shit are basic af. Bondage and a collar are the furthest anyone has asked me. Though  a random asked if i was cool with water sports.17)Have u ever tasted yourself? Ive tasted my cum and it was….okay? Ive never sucked myself a bitcg aint flexable.18)Is it ever okay to not use a condom? Ive…never…..used….one...haha….19)Who was the sexiest teacher u ever had? I never had one but FUCK there one this one just outta college  history teacher (who apt had a big dick) and like DAMN he was fine.20)A food you would like to use during a sexual experience? I dont really wanna do food stuff? Its to messy and like...a waste of food? 21)How big is to big? 10+22)One sexual thing you would never do? IF YOUR FEET EVEN COME CLOSE TO FUCKING TOUCHING ME.23)biggest turn on? Wasn't this a q already? On a guy in gen i love singers. Abs and blonde hair dont hurt. Also being taller than me.24)Three spots that drive u insane? Neck hips collar bone25)Worst possible time to get horny? At work sense i work with old people (hey cas coulda stopped here you furry pope fucker)26)Do u like it when yoursexual partner moans? HELL FUCKING YEAH I DO! Im super audio based and i lovethat. I also have a praise kink so like moans are basically praise27)Worst sexual idea you ever had? What if i was straight?28)How much fapping is to much fapping? Ugh...HMMM...if you do it more than 3 times EVERY day maybe stop 29)Best sexual compliment youve ever had? So at the party me and the friend were at there wa:. Him. My ex. And another fuck buddy of.mine. a q came up about who gives rhe best head and whos the best kisser AND ALL OF THEM SAID ME. I was like “i am a damn good kisser “ and my ex said “fuck ya he is”30)Bald, landing strip, jumanji? Do whatever idc. Hairs hair.31)Is it good sex if you dontnut? No. Im impatient and needy.32) If they *love me* we fucking33)Fav part of your body? My eyes! I think they're nice. Other than that i hate myself lmao34)Fav forplay activities.  Idk never done much. Pinned make out sound like a blast with grinding35)Love or sex? Love. Id rather have someone who really cares about me over a good fuck.36)What do u wear to bed? Underwear.  Im not a pj or commando kinda guy37)First time u masturbated? Ugh….i must been like 11? It was b4 like i ever knew what it was and b4 i could cum. 38)Do u have any nude/masturbating pics/ videos of yourself? My boyfriend lives in another country, what do u think?39)Have you ever/when was the last time u had sex outside. Ive never had SEX but ive blown a couple.dudes in either a park or a park bathroom.  One time.in a casino parking lot40)Have/wouldu have sex in public. See 39? Full blown sex PROBS NAH but bjs probs 41)Have/would u have a 3some?Ive had one! The ex and the fuck buddy while me and the ex were together.  We never fucked but we all blew each other. Slash im down for a polyam resltionship if my partner is so id always be down. Slash slash me and jd are horny as fuck and have talked about having threesomes b4 so ye42)What is 1 random object you've used to masturbate? Ugh…? I humped my bed b4? Idfk?43)Have/would u ever masturbate at work/school. Ive blown several guys at school. So yeah id jo there.  Work ive debated but thats cause SOMEONE os a fucking tease. 44)Have/would u ever have sex on a plane. No45)What is one song youd like.to have sex to? Dead girl walking.46)What is something nonsexual that makes you horny ? Hey fuck u i said this one47)Most attractive celeb? Thomas sanders or tom holland. now THATD be a threesome. Please no one show thomas this.48)Do u watch gay/lesbian poor? Why/why not? HMM I FUCKING WONDER49) If a child was born on the occasion of the last time u had sex, how old would that child be? 2 or 3 years old. God i need to get fucked. Soon50)Has anyone ever posted nude pics of.you online? No and if they do I'll murder the prick.Thanks for the qs cas i stg the next time u post an over 50 ask im.making u do them all :’) love you bb 💛 that was more fun than i thought itd be

[thstruckersatlas]

#1-92 🙃

1:When did you lose your virginity? I was like 18 and it was to my first boyfriend 2: Rough sex or soft sex? It usually depends on my mood but I really like soft sex3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes? Not that I know of 4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex? I’m not that interesting like that so the most ive done is in a car. 5: Favourite sex position? I love being on top 6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive? It depends on the mood7: Have you ever had any one night stands? Once and I felt really bad about it cus they ended up catching the feelings8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor? I love a nice bed 9: Have you ever had sex in a public place? Nooo10: Have you ever been caught masturbating? Once when i lived at home 11: What does your favourite sexy underwear look like? Its the cutest because its lace and black 12: How often do you have sex? hahaha I havent had sex in a very long time 13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with? Oh yes 14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex? I prefer receiving 15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex? I fell out of the bed once and also one time my leg cramped both of which made me want to die and become a nun16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex? Thats a hard one i never had thought about that maybe something circa surviveish17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex?  Also idk anything like Phoenix like 18: Are you into dressing up for sex? Oh yes very 19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower? 20: If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be? Yeah nice try internet. I will say this I have the biggest crush on them21: Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you? Ugh no and thats one of the things I will never change my mind on22: Do you/would you use sex toys? I do 23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture? Yeah24: Would you have sex with your best friend? Nah theyre annoying 25: Is there anything you do after sex? (for example, smoke, eat, drink) I like to eat  lol26: Something that will never fail to get you horny? I get really wet when my thighs are played with27: Early morning sex or late night sex? Late night works for me28: Favourite body part on the opposite sex? I really like nice arms29: Favourite body part on the same sex?30: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find: Nothing  tbh31: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you: It was weird and it involved feet32: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?] I havent actually33: Is it ever okay to not use a condom: I mean unless youre like planning on having a kid 34: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience: yeah none35: Worst possible time to get horny: At work or when youre sad 36: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans? I do actually its nice37: How much fapping is too much fapping:38: Best sexual complement you ever got: Someone told me I was the pretties tperson they wer with and thats not sexual but it was great lol39: Favorite foreplay activities:40: What do you wear to bed? Pusheen jammies41: When was the first time you masturbated: I was like 15 lol42: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself? I have a folder full of them43: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside? NOo44: Have/would you ever have sex in public? Noo lol im not spontaneous for that45: Have/would you ever had a threesome? UHH nooooo46: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?47: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not? No and because thats never interested me48: Do you like oral sex? (why/why not) I love it i think i get off on that more than i do with actual sex49: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in? Thats fine50: How would you feel about taking someones virginity? Oh gosh no thats too much responsibility 51: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter? I’m gonna go with hot cheetos52: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute? Id rather be a pornstar i mean at least youre famous lol53: Do you watch porn? Not really 54: Have you ever been called a freak? Why? No lol55: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”? No 56: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair? I mean i wouldnt but it definitely makes things a bit more challenging57: If you could give yourself head, would you? No lol58: Booty or Boobs? Butt because i like mine59: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?) No60: If you were the other sex for a day, what are five things you would do?61: have you ever watched someone masturbate? Yeah 62: has anyone ever watched you masturbate? Yeah 63. Have you ever had an erection and someone noticed? 64. What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitorial, prostate)65. What is your bra/penis size? I’m a 36 b66. What is the strangest thing you have ever put up your vagina/anus? hahaha 67. When was the last time you masturbated? Yesterday68. When was the last time you had sex? Im not even joking like a year ago69. When was the last time you watched porn? I think like a year ago70. Have you ever bought a sex toy? If so, which one did you buy last? First sex toy? If not, which one do you plan on buying when you do?71. Guys:Circumsized?72. Which not-genital part of your body do you like being touched? My things 73. Which genital part of your body do you like being touched? Anything between my legs74. Girls:Are you able to achieve orgasm just through breast stimulation? No that doesnt work for me75. Have you anonymously sent a sexual ask to someone on tumblr? No lol76. When was the last time you have had a wet dream? I think it was like a week ago77. Which wet dream was your favorite? I dreamt once 78. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with? theres one79. Is there a celebrity/character you would willingly have sex with? Id let Barry from Joyce Manor do many things to me lol80. Favorite sexual position? I love being on top81. Do you like being called a slut or whore in bed? Nooo 82. Are you into any BDSM? No83. Have you ever wanted to have sex with someone but knew you couldnt for any reason? Why? Of course and they live too far84. Do you like dirty talk? I love it 85. Are you loud or quiet during sex? Masturbation? I think im in the medium i do have soft moans 86. Have you ever been inturrepted during sex or masturbation?Who/what? I was interrupted once by my sister lol87. What kind of porn do you like to watch? It usually involves being eaten out 88. Have you ever confessed to someone that you got an erection over them? What about masturbated to them? No lol89. Have you ever masturbated because your sexual partner wasn’t there when you needed them? I masturbate a lot lol 90. Have you ever had a one night stand? Do you still keep in contact with them? I did and i never texted them back even tho i knew they liked me in the other sense. I think its one of the things i still fell bad about.91. Have you ever had a friends with benefits? Are they still beneficial? I mean its not a total friends with benefits deal but it kind of was/is its strange.92. Ask whatever you want

[heterophobiclesbean]

long personal post sorry lol

Something I think is really interesting is the parallels between cishet inclusionists and religious homophobes. Part of the reason I think I was so much more eager to identify as aroace rather than lesbian (besides the internalized homophobia) was that I was raised in the church. I was a go-to-church-every-Sunday child, I went to religious private school for my entire childhood and part of my adolescence, and I was a Bible Girl.

And deep down I always knew something I felt a little differently than all my straight peers, but I was a Good Christian Girl and Good Christian Girls Aren’t Gay.

And it was right about the time that i started grappling with my faith that I consciously began to question my heterosexuality. Changing your faith is hard, and for me, abandoning my faith meant losing a huge part of my identity. I couldn’t cope with the identity loss, with the fact that I had to re-evaluate everything I had ever believed (because I was the Bible Girl who took my pastor’s word and never questioned anything), and I had an identity crisis.

MOGAI tumblr was so appealing to me because it took so many of the same sentiments the church had instilled in me, gave them Progressive Names, and called them revolutionary. It was an easy way for me to shed my old identity, pretend to be progressive, but not have to actually re-evaluate any of the harmful things I’d been taught and had internalized.

The church taught me a lot of things about sexuality that I’m still unlearning today. 1) having sexual thoughts/feelings about someone else is wrong, that’s reserved for marriage (which is between one man and one woman). 2) Having lots of sexual feelings is wrong and you need to repent. 3) Having feelings for people of the same gender is either a choice you made to get attention or a result of sin. Perhaps being gay isn’t a sin, but doing gay things is and gay people exist because Eve ate the fruit and allowed sin into the world. Homosexuality is a result of sin. 4) Wanting to move fast in a relationship is wrong. Don’t kiss on the first date, don’t let men touch you (even if you want to be touched), any form of sexual expression is inciting assault and is sinful.

And it was easy for me to take MOGAIs principles and just slightly alter things. 1) having sexual thoughts/feelings about someone makes you Allosexual, and they have Privilege over The Aces. 2) There is a normal amount of sexual feelings to have + don’t have sexual feelings (from the church) = being ace is good, being Allo is bad. 3) Being gay isn’t bad, but it’s okay to be grossed out by gay people kissing and holding hands because of romance-repulsion and sex-repulsion. It’s okay if this doesn’t bother you with straight people, but only with gay people. 4) Aces are Pure and Good, and people touching you sexually and wanting to be touched sexually makes you Not Ace which is Not Good

Because so many of MOGAIs principles fit in with what I had been taught in the church. I didn’t need to reevaluate anything, all I had to do was slap a mogai label on myself because I wasn’t “really gay” like the Gay Sinners, and suddenly I wouldnt be going to hell anymore.

I know this post is jumbled and I don’t expect anyone to read this, but I’ve been thinking a lot about my personal issues and how to resolve them and figuring out where they came from is how I’m starting. So, MOGAI tumblr, from the bottom of my heart, thanks for being my knockoff homophobic pastor without the negative correlation and fucking me up even more.

#personal #okay to reblog i guess idc #ace discourse

[hatchibomitar]

trans ask: 1, 5, 6, 20, 32, 34

1. How did you choose your name?

so i read some advice that you should look on a bunch of baby name sites for inspiration aha..so i did! at first i was looking at all kinds of names, but i switched to just looking at K names after a while. 2 of my non-k top picks were Dustin and Finley which are both nice names but they dont fit me aha. i had been looking at Kato too and i think that was one of my top favs. so was Kalix. and this whole time i kept seeing like...cayden, kaden, caidden etc like 45 difffernt spellings of this name and i was like pff :/ that’s a lame name :/ who would want that name and then i saw Kaiden and i was like.........oh. so that’s where that name has been all my life. that’s perfect. that’s me

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

i think i always knew something was different about me from the other kids, but i could not figure out what it was. and by always i mean...always. from when i first started having memories of being a human until high school. i’d always felt the way. it was really stereotypical things too hahaha... when i was 5, i threw a fucking FIT when i went to a private school for 2 years bc there was a uniform and it involved a skirt. and i was like....there is no way in Hell you can get me to wear that. and i was a pretty good, i didn’t behave badly, so i imagine it was pretty sho0cking that i was So adamant about not wearing a skirt. i got to wear leggings :’) that same year i also remember wanting to cut my hair. i talked to my friend about it and i told her how badly i wanted short hair. she told me i should ask my m om. so i did! i was like “mom, can i cut my hair short like a boy?” and she said no. i was pretty devastated about that. again, in the same year, i had a cnoversation with my mom. i asked her why i wasn’t a boy. i told her that i wanted to be a boy. and she said “well, when you were in my stomach, you were a boy. until the very last second, when you changed yor mind. so that’s why you’re a girl.” i’ve brought this up with my mom recently and she did not remember it at all hahahah, whereas i held onto that for 12 years. it was probably supposed to make me feel better, but it just made me pissed off at my older self. we were so close to happiness, you fuckin fetus! jeez! asshole... hahahha. but like i knew all this when i was 5 yrs old. i sort of gave up on it for a long long long time after my mom shut me down so much. i really blame the lack of awareness and information about trans people  at the time. there were just no public trans people so my mom didn’t even think twice. she thought i was just a tom boy - and treated me that until i told her i was trans

6. When did you realize you were transgender?

so flash forward to high school. i still had all the same thoughts. i kind of hated myself for being so obsessed with this. it was always at the back of my mind that i “wanted to be a boy” when i was young. i kept trying to push it away and say that it didn’t matter. i’d say i was especially confused when i started realizing i liked girls. once i accepted that, i sort of pushed the gender stuff away because i thought it was just a “”lesbian thing””. i literally have a diary entry talking about how it should’ve been “so obvious” that i was gay because of all the gender confusion when i was younger. this was very confusing for my brain hahaha. i basically just used that as an excuse because i did not want to go back to feeling different and creepy for being dissatisfied with my gender. but anyway, it was in high shcool! i had just met the first trans person that i ever knew and it kinda shocked me into realizing that people DID have those feelings too, and they actually could do something about it. during this era was when i was discovering tumblr and also when i was discovering trans guy youtube videos. i liked to say that i just watched them because they were Super Interesting, but in reality they made me feel something i’d never felt before. they let me know that what i’d always wanted was actually a possibility. and if none of these guys were as ashamed as i had been, was it possible i could do this and be happy? i believe i first came out as trans in 2014. i actually came out as nonbinary first lmao. and i wouldnt be surprised if a part of me actually is agender like i suspected, but anyway

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

you’re not scary, you’re not weird, you are a human being and the things you are feeling are not Bad. you aren’t bad. you don’t deserve to be bullied about this. don’t ever forget that. one day you will be at peace with this information and your body will be how you always wanted it to be

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

i hope that i continue stretching the boundaries of how i was always taught men are supposed to act. when i first started transitioning, i was so insecure in my masculinity that i would just conform to all the Bad stuff. lately i’ve been really try9ing to move away from that. like i’d be afraid to speak a certain way, sit a certain way, like certain things or have emotions. i never wanna be that way again. and in 5 years, as  long as im doing that, i’ll be happy

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

accepting yourself is one of the hardest things on this earth to do, but once you do that, you will feel like you can be yourself. you will flourish and you will be so happy. look around, the world is full of trans role models now. you will be just fine

#trans shit #transition #anon #askies

[sarcasticlykaeon-blog]

Caught Between Worlds

Stuck. Thats how it felt, every hour of every day, for as long as I could remember. Like i was some sort of freak, on the outside looking in. I can remember when i was small, barely old enough to really walk and talk, two and a half, three...and i hated dresses. I hated pink. I hated lace and frills. If i could choose or make my will known it was pants. Tshirts and sweatshirts. Childrens overalls. I hated games in preschool. The girls always wanted to play house, with husbands and babies in some sort of elaborate roleplay. The boys wouldnt let me play with them. "No girls," theyd say. "You wont know how," or "girls arent any good at this. Go play with dolls." somehow...just because i didnt have the same lower regions i wasnt good enough. So i played alone, with blocks or toys, making up elaborate adventures or stories in the process. My mother, my aunts, my grandmother...they all wanted me to be a girl. They tried to take me underwing in baking, playing with makeup, dressup, dolls...they tried to teach me about playing with hair. Me? I just wanted to test out the new computer, watch ninja turtles, and kick butt like she-ra. My one concession to female marketed programs was Jem...but honestly? I loved the story and drama, not the glamour, glitter, fashion, or fame. I was the oldest...five years between me and my brother meant i was dads son substitute until i was almost 11. I learned things like changing the oil in a car, ms-dos programming and how to kick ass in Doom, how to tackle and fight back if grabbed by a bigger opponent. Of course...the instant my middle brother was old enough to do son things....fwip! I was ignored. About the only thing i could get the old man to do was D&D. My grandfather insisted it was a phase i would grow out of, that id become a seeker of a strong man and an actual woman eventually. My mother tried to force me to conform to gender standards. My aunt was disappointed. My father only started caring about gender normativity when i hit puberty. I never told them things like "i want to grow up to be a boy" because even at three, i knew it didnt work that way, on some instinctual level. But i dod wail and growl about the unfairness. Why is x okay for boys but not girls? Why are girls expected to be like this but boys arent? And the answer...oh the answer just upset me and angered me. "Because youre expected to be a young lady." By puberty, the words "young lady" were guarenteed to trigger a huge emotional fit of rage...but i couldnt explain why. Just like the fact that i had to fight for my place amidst whatever boys lived in the neighborhood. I had to work twice as hard to prove i was worthy of being allowed to hang out...and still they sought to ditch me at every opportunity. School was even worse. I was overly tall, strong, and hyper intelligent. I was part of the "Gifted Program" (which in most school systems is naught but busy work or a careful way to set up classes in high school to fix the averages of a class.) I was, in every concievable way the outcast. And then puberty found me. Early. The first time i bled in sixth grade, i cried myself to sleep, hiding blood ruined underwear in the back of my closet until i could throw it away. I didnt tell my mother until i was sixteen--hiding this horrid, agonizingly painful thing that happened to me once a month. When i grew breasts i hated them. I hated bras. And of course, i have breasts that grew huge. I survive with super tight sports bras and tshirts because nothing else fits my fucked up frame: ive got broad shoulders, long legs, and huge feet (size 12 womens, which is impossible to find), and im like 5'8". Id be taller but my arms and torso are short, and ive got wide hips and huge breasts and butt. I hated my body and i still do. I feel like i was a crapshoot built out of the mismatched leftovers of several people. And the shit my parents tried to enforce for gender conformity to this "new identity of a young lady." first was acne management. I wasnt a pizza face, but i did and still do have a bit of an issue with blackheads (Glasses have that effect.) But my parents tried to force me to pop my zits...and when i refused because it hurt, they basically held me down and popped them for me. Then was "shaving my legs". Okay. Underarms i get because pits stink. I shave those because it feels less stanky when i do. But their issue? My legs. I refused to do it. "Boys dont, why do i? Thats not fair!" i fought. Hard. But...like the zits...theyd hold me down and buzz my legs for me from knee to foot while i thrashed and begged...all to force on me a title i never wanted, a mold i didnt fit. And i didnt understand WHY. Why was my behavior, my life and interests and hobbies and clothing all supposed to be dictated by something so unimportant? And then...when i was sixteen, i met a person i hit it off with. A sweet and funny youth my age with hair as long as mine and a goofy smile on his face. In a few months we were dating long distance and i suspect my family sighed in relief that i wasnt a lesbian. Our fathers got to be friends(which was useful, since 200miles between us put a crimp in relations.) But this had another side effect. You see, that next year i learned something id never heard before. Something id never considered until that day in 2002. His father...felt he was a woman trapped in a mans body. I was floored. This could happen? What? So i researched what i could to understand (there wasnt much, back then.) And...i began to wonder....because all I could find was for males becoming females. Even joked with my boyfriend that the universe "got us backwards" (he agreed, seeing as how he was girlier than me) And then it all crashed to a halt one night at dinner. His father, him, me, another mtf person and two other adults were at a restaurant, and the kne guy at the table with no knowledge on trans folks was asking questions. I listened, enraptured as the emotions and disconnects id always felt were described from the other side. Emboldened, 17, and perhaps seeking some form of connection or...validation for my feelings, i piped up, expressing how i felt the universe had gotten me backwards. That was the worst thing to say, as his father unloaded on me verbally for being mocking and insensitive and jumping on a bandwagon i had no business on. Treated me like i was being scum--damn near drove me to tears and made me feel small and useless. And i thought "if this is what trans ppl are like...i dont want to be like them ever." it crushed my desire to understand my gender identity and sexuality for years. It didnt help that as time went by ot seemed every trans person i encountered was one of two things: a dramawhore with the emotional stability of a 14year old girl, or someone like my bf's father who decided that i couldnt belong to his elitest club in a fashion that echoed years of "no girls allowed" from boys everywhere. The internets vast collection of professionally offended "keyboard warriors" who spew bigotry and hate and small minded idiocy while calling it "truth" or "just what X group deserves" is a steaming cesspit of shit I dont want to be part of on any level, and unfortunately many of them claim to be whatever "alternate" gender identity or sexuality is the fad this month. Its not winning me over at all, and made me shy further away from actual people i might be able to relate to...maybe who can help me. I finally did own up to something when i was 23--I was more sexually attracted to women than men. In fact...beyond a few emotion driven crushes as a teen, the only male i have ever found attractive was that same goofy, funny, smiling boy with the long hair...except these days hes my supportive, goofy, smiling mate with the softest heart of gold ive ever known inside a powerful and intimidatingly sized viking-esque exterior. But again...because on the outside, our relationship seems very "normal" im not welcomed much by the vocal minority and so im super wary of all parts of the lgbt crowd. I dont advertise or tell my relatives--my parents and their respective siblings are between 50 and 70 years old. They barely believe this stuff exists. I still dont want to be a girl. I dont want the societal expectations of it. I hate having breasts that risk knocking my teeth loose if i move too fast. And dont get me started on the fucking shit show that is my sex life. Its a complicated shit show that starts with the disconnect of parts and ends with kinks i can never actually engage in because, guess what? Im a GIRL. But at the same time, i stare at the only transmen examples and stories i can find, which seem to be rare and hidden somewhere, at places like fb and tumblr and twitter...at pride rallies and news stories...at stuff recounted by friends...and i dont want to be associated with people whose actions turn them into examples of literal human garbage. And so here i sit, caught between two worlds, never part of either one and feeling like im slowly drowning. It seems like one doesnt want me and the other i dont want... Im so tired of being stuck.

#Gender dysphoria #gender identity #emotional stress #confusion #feeling like a freak

[dannybangs]

hey so this is a vent post so dont read it if like you dont care l m a o

so my first gf and i are ancient history at this point but like we still keep coming into contact randomly over the years but im just having this realization

luna only comes back to talk to me when it suits her, and never really considered my feelings as a friend, let alone as an unresolved ex

she broke up with me originally in an abusive way, when my parents were on holiday and i was home alone. she was meant to come sleep over and keep me company because honestly, it was fucking lonely. instead, she went to a party to drink and have fun (without telling me), and after sending a few messages on facebook, she blocked me.

i called her number crying, but instead of her answering, it was a friend. i told them how down in the dumps i was, with no friends in my town because i went to a semi private school the next town over. while they were as supportive as they could be, they told me luna didnt want to talk to me anymore and wouldnt come to the phone, even though i could hear her laughing and having fun in the background.

i was not in a stable place at this point. i was 16, my first love was breaking up with me (and not even in the shittiest way via text, but in the absolute cowards way via blocking and ignoring me)

long story short, we broke up. messily. all i knew was that she found new friends and moved on.

years later, anonymous starts asking about past relationships, and when i start talking about luna, they latch onto that and start asking more questions.

turns out its luna, and at the time im honestly ecstatic. like, my favourite person in the world is finally talking to me again. but when i look back , luna only got back in contact with me because she had recently moved away from home, her parents were divorced, and she didnt have many, if any, friends.

eventually though, after talking for a bit on tumblr, she disappears without a word again. deletes her tumblr and i cant contact her anymore

late 2016 hits, and i get a friend request from her on facebook. she wants to play overwatch, so i add her, we play that night and get on pretty well. after that though, she’s pretty vacant. eventually, when she stops responding to invites on battle net over the next 4 months or so, i take her off battle net and set her profile on facebook to low notifications, but still friends.

mid 2017, and we get back in contact over a facebook post of hers saying she doesnt feel like she belongs in social spaces and talks about how lonely she is. we talk, i say i might be moving to her town, she seems excited and it seems like she wouldnt mind catching up.

and then no contact.

again.

keep in mind that over all these years, im honestly still kind of in love with this girl. i never really got any closure on why she broke up with me, the reasons shes given me over the years changes a lot. she wanted to experiment, she wasnt interested in me anymore, she thought i was moving when i wasnt, and eventually saying that she didnt want to burden me with her depression.

if we go by this last reason, its honestly kinda shit. i never got a choice in the matter. she made up my mind up for me, and broke my heart for me. 

lets fast forward to our last conversation. three nights ago, 6am and i havent slept for like 2 days. i straight up ask her ‘look, would you ever consider dating me in the future’

i wait a day and i get no reply. so the next night, i tell her not to worry about it and i wont bother her again.

she instantly replies, saying that shes been thinking about it, and that its a question that cant be answered until i move closer and we ‘actually hang out and get to know each other’ again

i ask her again, this time defining it as a general possibility in our future.

first message makes my heart soar. ‘i dont see why not tbh’

second message crushes me. ‘other than im a huge lesbian and i dont know what you ID (identify) as these days’

its her soft way of saying ‘i think because you present as male and prefer male pronouns, i cant let my lesbian aesthetic that ive built up to my new friends and girlfriend crumble by considering dating you’

luna always said she was pan / bi before she was transitioning (shes a trans girl and im a trans guy) but while she was questioning her gender, until she had a bad wrap with several gay guys. and i get how peoples preferences change over the years, i really do.

but it really hurts to see this girl who you grew and changed with (we both started questioning our sexuality and gender together) turn into a gold star lesbian (in my definition, this is a girl who ONLY dates women and doesnt consider he/him lesbians and similar situations)

it crushes me because ive never gotten over this girl for 4 years now, and i thought that eventually we might meet again and get to know each other again and maybe be together. but obviously thats not the case

what made me start thinking about how i was an idiot for chasing and entertaining this thought of ‘the girl who got away’ was today, when i get my letter from the district health board telling me my endocrinology appointment is in 3 weeks. and i realized how excited i am to start T and properly transition.

like, reading that letter made me realize that i was holding onto my past, as a girl, with this stranger who doesnt know me or love me anymore. why would i ever consider not transitioning just so i can be with this person.

im young as hell, in a relationship with a girl that loves me to pieces, who is just as excited as i am that im about to start transitioning and becoming the person i want to be

im excited for the future, and i cant wait to move to a new town with my girlfriend, start T, start the degree i always wanted, and forget about the past that i was hopelessly clinging to

honestly, writing this was really cathartic. i cried a lot writing this, because this is still a new pain im dealing with. but i feel a lot better now. thanks for reading guys

#danny the fuckboy speaks #new year new me #cathartic #venting