#i just really like this concept. i'm very bad at fasting on anything food related. esp since i'm almost completely vegetarian anyway

[mondfahrt]

Some Christian/Lent stuff under the cut

It's Lent now and I just remembered that the Protestant Church in Germany always makes it into some kind of... motto months? Like: "7 weeks without..." It's basically not fasting meat or any kind of food but more of a motivational thing. They've been doing this since the 1980s, and in previous years it's been about "7 weeks without lies" or "7 weeks without pessimism" or something.

This year it's "7 weeks without despondancy" (yes, I had to look that up) and I really like that thought. It's about "not making it easy for myself by saying "that won't help anyway"". And I don't think that a lot but I'm in a very bad time these days, because it's beginning to feel very pointless, with my thesis, and all these job applications and everything.

They have a newsletter for every week and it's all pretty Christian and so on, but the first week's newsletter basically says "enjoy the light. stay a couple of minutes in bed after turning on the lights/opening the curtains every morning, to enjoy the moment and the morning in the light of day (or in the light of your bedside lamp".

I really like that. It made me think about those very first weeks during the first lockdown in 2020, when I barely was able to get out of bed in the morning, so I started to take my coffee out to the balcony, huddle up with a blanket and just sit there in the freezing March/April air and breathe.

Maybe I'll do that this year. Maybe I'll try 7 weeks without despondancy.

#sorry for being christian over your dashes #i'm not even protestant lol #i just really like this concept. i'm very bad at fasting on anything food related. esp since i'm almost completely vegetarian anyway #anyway #christianity #lent #religion #tell me if i missed a tag you want to block. but i think those are the most important ones #personal

[risenwraith]

#123 Aaiiee people!

Staying at sister in Iaw's place is very open house in comparison to the little flat we had.

I walked into the kitchen to see a purple hooded person raiding the freezer. They were maybe(?) a relation and I have no idea why they were in the kitchen and was afraid to ask - they don't live here. Then there was a tall male relation whose name I forget but who walks in whenever. There have been two other friends/people who turn up as and when and walk right in.

Then again, I'm a bald eyebrow-less goblin wearing a saffron coloured shift. (I was gifted it unexpectedly and I have limited clean clothes right now. It does make me look like a tragic white girl who's taken Buddhism a bit too seriously, but what can you do?).

I had a long conversation with T (someone who I think is an actual housemate) who if I understand correctly, spent ages trying to explain WWI Spiritualism to me, and the basic concept of 'as above so below' - which is quantum or magic or both - and also zen archery. All of which I am too painfully aware of, often overly aware of, and vaguely aware of (and wish I knew more of) - in that order.

Then he told me I shouldn't have chemotherapy because doctors are bad evil liars, chemotherapy is poison, and if I just ate more broccoli, that would totally cure cancer.

I was very polite and not sarcastic or scathing or mean at all. But I really wanted to be. Because... Seriously?

Oh yes dear boy, I am letting doctors poison me because I didn't know about the miracle of açai berries and kale oh alas alack fie and for shame, oh foolish me, if only I had drunk more green tea I never would have lost a tit nor ever had the need of this terrible medical poison!

FUUUUCCCKKKK!!!

Look hippy boy, do not @ me. Your last hospital stay was in the '70s for a broken limb, and because someone turfed you out of a bed early, you think every doctor is a bastard and every nurse a bitch. Also you think the old guy you once saw in '74 who didn't know who or where he was immediately after coming out of emergency heart surgery would have been... what? Better off just being dead? Yeah - how dare doctors try and succeed in saving him and he be groggy from not dying. FFS.

I have news for you. 50 bloody years have passed. That's a lifetime. Why do you insist on thinking things are the same a generation ago? Or that one arsehole doctor who didn't care enough about your fracture is the same as every single doctor treating everything in the world ever?

I have to listen-not-listen. By which I mean try to actively not listen to a conversation I can totally hear and don't want to hear at all. (And if I had headphones so I could listen to anything else it would be easier, but like an idiot I did not pack my headphones.)

You think I want this? You think if eating more salad would have saved me I wouldn't already be doing that shit?! You think I don't eat green stuff? Bitch, I hate fast food, I love vegetables, hate grease, meat's okay, sugar's so-so, bread and rice are the best, and I know how to cook a very fine five course dinner party, thank you.

My point is... I'm not having surgery and poison through basic nutritional and culinary ignorance or for fun - I'm having it so I won't die.

Kale and broccoli will not save me you arrogant arse. You do not hold the secrets of the universe. Your salad and berry tea cannot fix cancer. But the hospital can, and is even now, yes, via poison.

We poison the evil cells, and the rest of the body survives - because the body is nails AF - what is so hard to understand about that?

Sorry, I keep trying not to be cross, but every time I think about the conversation it pisses me off something chronic.

#breast cancer #chemotherapy #cancer #chemo #unhappy neurons #so stabbity right now #fuck off