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#i just legit still feel bad about it bc i misread the situation and thought they were in a joking mood
inkskinned · 1 year
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you examine yourself like studying a virus.
for days after, months - years, even - you torture yourself over small objects. times where you misspoke or interrupted with a joke when you should have listened. times when you didn't know how to show your support. times when you were louder, brassier, inappropriate for the situation. times when you were too quiet, shy, cold.
fucker. you constantly promise that next-time you'll do better. you will make sure every person you come in contact with leaves smiling. that they'll all feel loved and accepted and held. that you take care. other people do it! other people are actually good people; you're just cruel.
it feels like you are fighting a horrible little beetle. one of those parasites that control ants. one who comes up and wiggles into your brain and makes you a shameful ghost of a person. too spineless to ever be a demon. so what if you were having a bad day? you don't get to stumble. so what if you are overwhelmed? you don't need to make a scene.
all this time on the earth. you are still somehow convinced: the mistakes you make are more important than any other part of you. you still feel like you are wrestling a nature you do not understand; one that coils horribly inside of you. one that seeks to destroy, to undo.
you go home. you replay the moments where you weren't perfect. be better, you scold. do more. you are an accident. a train wreck. something to abhor.
the questions always ringing in your head: why did i do that? why do i slip? why can't i just fucking be normal? what if all i am is just ... this?
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survivormuxloe · 5 years
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Episode #5: “sushi + running isn’t the best combo.” - Mo
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Sad to Linus quit honestly. Hope he’s alright but yeah that sucks.
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So Linus just quit. It’s unfortunate and slightly annoying that we had another’s person quit. Especially since we had players like Jose and Jaylen who actually wanted to play. But then again I’m just trying to get the crown so I can’t really complain when someone else falls. Final 14 so I’m expecting merge to happen in the next 4 tribals.
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Alright so hey I'm a bit late but since we last left off we were heading to tribal, at that point I was actually thinking Jose likely had an idol since you know.. throwing two random names 30 minutes before tribal when you know you can't get the numbers is a very idol-ish thing to do. So me and Tobi decided to vote Mo just in case an idol was played and both of them voted together. But actually at the end of the day Jose voted Mo and Mo well he didn't show up LMAO, which was actually bad because then his self vote would make it a 4-4 tie and while I think voting jose out after that would've been achieavable I would rather not give him the chance to fight. Luckily Mo showed up and voted him so that was it and he prob didn't see it coming but hey the lad was took it well so kudos to him.
So right after that the hosts pulled a sneaky on us and the live challenge was actually a swap (bragging rights I predicted it yay...look at me predicting a swap at f15 I'm so smart....)
And for once luck was on my side since I'm still on mercia alongside Felix David and Mo. With Wes joining us from the other tribe. Now I did vote Mo but maybe he doesn't think it was me? I mean tbf after he didn't show up at tribal I scream_messaged him to vote for Jose so who knows. But either way we have the inmense unit of David with us and Wes who I barely know from another org I'm playing at the same time so there's that
And then ofc Felix the crazy german god bless his soul he saved us this week from going to tribal <3
And as I write this Linus has quit the game so I guess that's 2 out of 2 for wins that I really didn't get to enjoy but oh well. At least this gives Michael and Dani a chance over at that tribe now that it is 2-2. As for Tobi well he carried his own new tribe in that challenge so hopefully he can overcome that 4-1 disadvantage in case they go to tribal.
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So puzzle challenge, okay let’s get on it. Wanna win it cause my og tribe are such an unknown. I want to work with tobi. But he will do what he needs to do to stay in. So my paranoid ass is conviced that my og tribe ain’t talking to me cause they want me out. Idk I’m being stupid but ahhh.
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Here i am, losing the challenge, feeling a little sorry for myself because i'm like ok it's me i'm going. Then BOOM Linus quits and as much as i wanna be like oh buddy no you should stay it might get more fun i also wanna be like lol bye bye because now instead of getting voted out 3-2 me and Dani can now tie the vote should we go back to tribal which is obviously better than nothing. I'm bad at puzzles but im just gonna try my absolute hardest because i refuse to be Denise Stapley and go to every tribal council.
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uhm so the immunity challenge is puzzles... great loll im legit so trash at puzzles and if we lose again ik it's gonna be bc of me ): i'm gonna try my best and not flop but i cant even enter the puzzles so idk whats gunna happen
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Somehow I obtained 2 idol clues by sheer luck and honestly it's what I deserve in this game. I'm still debating if I even want an idol so I shared my clues with Jones because I wouldn't mind if she had an idol. But anyways there have been 2 quits which sucks but the only benefit is that now I at least will get 14th in this game.
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lol we’re gunna lose again. but i aint going home america.. know that!
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So I’m nervous my time might cost us the challenge but do you know what I’m not nervous about.... going home bc I have Dani loyal to me and me to her and also mr Scott and myself have established a f2 alliance named “crumpets and bagpipes” (name subject to change) so yeah hopefully I’m going nowhere hehe
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SO IDK HOW I DO IT but people just kind of give me clues and answers to their idol puzzles. SURE I asked Scooty how he was doing for his results, but I never even asked Madison about her clues and she's just kind of,,,,giving them to me? and I love it <3 <3 <3 WELL ACTUALLY I TAKE IT BACK. I LOVED IT UNTIL I FOUND OUT THE FUCKING IDOL WAS TAKEN ALREADY. I was searching the playroom today and WHAT DO YOU KNOW "there was something there but it was taken" and I want to actually PERISH LIKE HOLY FUCK I WAS ACTUALLY!! SOOOOOOO CLOSE!!1!11 but yeah hopefully Linus didn't have it and quit with it I'll actually beat his entire ass
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So like... after my amazing comeback last immunity challenge,, WHICH BY THE WAY FUCKIN WAS FOR NOTHING BECAUSE LINUS QUIT LIKE WHY DIDNT HE QUIT BEFORE THE DAMN CHALLENGE AND NOW I OUTED MYSELF AS A CHALLENGE THREAT... stupid..,, we flopped in this one like... madison and jones flopped hard kdjhflksdjfhs like did they even try.. now im in a peculiar situation.. the great thing is that rhys and ryan actually asked me to be a part of a three man alliance (im obv at the bottom) and like im definitely using this to my advantage and hopefully get out of this tribal!! im expecting at least one vote from madison which is natural but like im gonna fight tooth and nail to get out of this!! idc who i have to throw utb to get by but i'll do whatever it takes
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HELL YEAH TO MERCIA FOR WINNING ANOTHER IMMUNITY. It feels so good to have come clutch again, especially after a scare from Mo, who didn't do the right puzzle. -.- ugh that pissed me off so much, especially with so little time left to do it. But Ahrre and I DESTROYED everyone else who did the hard puzzle so I can't complain.
Also, a new development. Ahrre and Felix seem to trust me SO much that they wanna share their idol guesses with me, which is fine with me considering I trust them the most on this new tribe. I feel it, omg I feel like I'm SO close to getting that idol and if I find it, it puts me in a huge power position. So I need to find it before these guys.
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This was probably the most stressful round for me. So let’s go through the series of unfortunate events
1. I misread the post and I was doing the easy puzzle the entire time when I thought I was doing the hard puzzle. I took a picture on my phone with my score and my name in the search bar.
2. I hangout with my friend, we go get sushi and I buy some macaroons and then we chill in a Starbucks while we play Pokemon Go.
3. I submit my photo at 5:45 PM 15 minutes before the dead line only to get told that not only would the photo not of counted because I didn’t have the date and time in the photo. But I was also doing the wrong puzzle.
4. My scrawny out of shape ass sprints home and it was the kind of thing where like I was coughing because I ran too much.
5. Now I have to do the more difficult puzzle in 20 minutes. I didn’t get the chance to practice before hand, I feel like shit, I’m still coughing and I think I’m going to puke because sushi + running isn’t the best combo.
6. I don’t submit on time, and not only that I don’t abstain on time either. So I get a strike. The amount of fucking despair and sadness I felt as I was rushing through the puzzle only to realize I was too late even after getting granted an extension. It was so awful.
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Well, sad linus left but the good news is we won immunity by three minutes! Michaels time was a MESS because we could’ve gotten first if he did better but that’s alright we got second so that’s good. I like my remaining tribe mates so I hope things stay good ❤️
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Aye so we've won another challenge after the swap yay! it's almost as if my shitty luck was detrimental during luck based challenges. wh would've thought...
Now we won even though Mo didn't submit and his time was more than the rest of the tribe combined lol but it's ok cause we won anyways, albeit David got a bit pissy about it and Mo told me about it but eh hopefully it's nothing.
Talking about david I decided not to sit around all day even if we're not going to tribal. Since I'm lucky to stay in the same camp I was before the swap I might as well try and find that damn idol if it hasn't been found already. So I decided to coordinate idol guesses with him and Felix which payed out because when we won the reward today he shared it with me (or at least a part of it unless he's lying) and he made a chat with me and felix so I guess now we're in an alliance, so there's that.
As for the other tribes well I hope Tobi can pull something out of the bag and not die this week, maybe he can get madison who has been pretty lackluster at challenges but either way I'm not gonna be holding my breath.
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so today Rhys n I made an alliance with Tobi so that's a thing... and then later in the day we ended up losing immunity -___- which is ass because someone literally striked and got 45mins for a puzzle we still lost jalfkdjf like wig ok! I hope this alliance sticks but idk i gotta see what the waters feel like tomorrow... thank rihanna i have an idol it makes me feel like i have some security in this game hehe
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Do you hear that? The birds are singing, the sky is blue and the sun is bright because YA BOI FINALLY WON IMMUNITY. Ugh I love winning immunity I’d scream if I had to go back there it’s ugly
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Okay. So here is the tea. We lost.
I have an alliance between me Ryan and tobi. So fingers crossed that’s all good, and Madisin should be an easy boot.
However, I feel uneasy as when I woke up I had no messages from anyone on my tribe about tribal. Which is scary as I thought people would’ve been trying to push for w certain person making sure it wasn’t them. Apparently not, or maybe it’s me?. I know I’m a paranoid mess but I’m like 40% worried.
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Okay this is post swap and this is a kind of sort of bad, I was swapped into a tribe were I believe I am only member of my og tribe, but we seem compontent at challenges (at least the rest of them do). Plus one person (Ahrre) I kind of sorta know so hopefully I can make something work and get past this.
Lewis quitting sucked since I actually knew him from an alias game a long time ago.
Let me know if you need a longer confessional.
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hmm Madison is definitely the obvious choice to vote out from Sweyn rn... she's exuded the bare minimum of activity and i dont think we've had a genuine conversation in pm's or at all thus far; plus she did the worst in the challenge. I know from Scott that Jones got close with Madison on og Sweyn so that is something on my mind, but I think she would be ok letting her go ultimately; not too sure but I'm talking to her now so we'll see. If our tribe loses again it's gonna be ugly because i would hate to vote Jones out, she's a queen
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Hey guys, its me... Hannah Baker. We had a tribe swap last round and I was shook at it being 3-2 with me being in a minority technically if we’re talking number wise. But, Scott said something interesting to me, saying that he thinks its funny that I would go home over Michael which is kind of reassuring. We lost the challenge and Linus decided to quit and I was like ok mood??? We won the challenge after thank god and I won’t be going to yet another fucking tribal. I really like Michael and Scott and I think if we were to lose again, we could vote out Malik. I’m hoping I can make the merge here but I guess we’ll see. Xoxo
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god.. pls vote out madison u fucking fucks LMAOAOAOAOOA. liek im good terms with everyone on that tribe so its rly ugly that theyre going to tribal.. but uhm. hopefully its madison that goes bc i dont want to talk to her or wes at merge loll
like i can be social. dont get me wrong.. but like i cant do it with awkward unsocial people.. communication is a two way street after all
Madison is voted out 4-1.
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