#i hurt the feelings of a lot of people on accident
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Hmmm what about a dark riddle brothers x reader non con ? Something like the reader is their enemy . Maybe you can put reader as Harry's gf or sister and they both get enraged by you so they "form a plan" to show you your place and also weaken Harry 🤭🤭
Okay I went a little off closer to the end I think but hopefully it’s still good :)
This does contain smut and other sensitive things so please be aware and don’t read if it makes you uncomfortable
Riddle brothers x reader
Word count: 1639
You had been an enemy of the Riddles for as long as you could remember. They were cruel and disgusting and you despised every inch of the two brothers. The feeling was mutual as well, they hated you just as much as you hated them.
Being a Potter was pretty much the main reason they detested you. Along with you pissing them off about anything and everything because you knew that they hated you and could use it to your advantage.
You had been on your way to class, almost running there because you were late. Going to be even later when you accidently ran into two people, causing you to fall straight down a groan leaving your lips.
“Merlin’s sake wha-oh of course it’s you two.” You rolled your eyes in disgust, grabbing your books and picking yourself up as the Riddles practically towered over you. “God Potter, can you be any more pathetic?” Mattheo scoffed, shoving you aside.
Tom hadn’t said anything yet but with the look he was giving you, you’d be surprised that you aren't dead yet.
“Right like you two could say anything, you’re the most pathetic of them all.” Mattheo only laughed. The insults went back and forth between you and Mattheo before Tom stepped in which startled you a bit.
Tom didn’t often get into these little bickering’s and most of the time watched with distaste, so when he did it was better to make a run for it.
But being the ever so proud Gryffindor you took a step closer, now standing right in front of Tom. A gutsy move proven by the way Tom had raised a brow at you, almost daring you to make another move.
You could sense the latent hostility between all three of you. It was a matter of who would strike first. Of course that person was Mattheo, considering he could never keep his mouth shut in situations like this with a lot of tension.
“Oh please Potter, you’re absolutely worthless. The only reason people actually talk to you is because your brother’s popular. Get it through your head that you are nothing.”
His words were ruthless and meant to hurt you deeply. Instead of getting upset though you looked him dead in the eyes and spoke.
“I’ve been called far worse by much better men. So I’d think again about who really is the worthless one here Riddle.” You walked off right after that sentence. Not really because you were scared but because the professor was going to kill you for being this late.
It hadn’t occurred to you how much that sentence would infuriate the Riddle brothers though and you continued on your day like nothing had even happened that morning.
The problem was that the brothers were anything but calm. They were hatching a plan at that very moment to get back at you. And if it was punishment from them that you’d be expecting, don’t think mercy will be given.
You had gone to bed early that night after such a long day. First being late, then being later from the encounter with the Riddles, your Professor hounding you about it as well because it wasn’t the first time you’ve been late.
So really you were exhausted and fell asleep quite quickly.
After what felt like the longest sleep of your life, you move to get out of bed. Only to realize…you weren’t even in a bed. Your eyes shot open after what felt like a small caress on your cheek. And there meeting your eyes, Tom Riddle.
He was crouched down looking at you with interest while you stared back in horror. What the hell had happened last night? How did you end up here?
All these questions had swarmed your mind, riddling your body with anxiety and trepidation. Tom had noticed this and only smirked at you an eerie feeling sinking in your stomach.
“Hello little dove” His voice was smooth and calm. A voice so solely his that you could never mistake it for another’s.
You had begun to look around much later than you should have but something in Tom’s eyes made it so alluring not to look away. The things you noticed were blood curdling.
You saw chains wrapped around your ankles and wrists. Curtains were open but only darkness could be seen, making you wonder what was really out there. And from how cold it was you could make a guess that you were in the dungeons of Hogwarts.
But it certainly didn’t seem like the slytherin dorms were anywhere near here which only unsettled you more. Just then the door made a creaking noise and in entered Mattheo with that cocky smile of his.
“Poor little Potter doesn’t look like she has much to say now does she?” He was right unfortunately but you don’t think you’ll ever admit to that.
It was suddenly that Tom had gripped your jaw in his hand and turned you back to him making that fear come back in a sudden pulse.
“Listen here little dove. The words that came out of your little mouth this morning is something you are going to regret for a long long time. And we are going to make sure of it.”
I was sure I was going to pass out right then. Their menacing eyes hadn’t looked away from mine at all and I only wished I’d known when to shut up and move on instead of running my mouth like I did. Especially with these two.
Tom's grip got tighter making me want to cry. Apparently Mattheo was good at reading expressions because he picked up on that quickly and crouched down beside his brother.
“You gonna cry pretty?” His tone was teasing. He knew exactly what he was doing. It was working too.
Though when I was least expecting it I felt Tom’s other hand glide against my leg before gripping my thigh roughly. He’d definitely have me pinned down if it wasn’t for the chains already there.
“Here’s the deal.” Tom began. “We are going to punish you how we see fit and you…little dove are going to take whatever we give you. If you try to deny us, it will only get worse.”
Like any human being you started freaking out and trying to refuse barely registering that you were ignoring what he just said about things getting worse. Boy was that stupid.
The second the words went to leave your mouth Tom had moved the hand gripping your jaw and shoved two fingers into your mouth making you gag hard around his fingers.
“Absolutely pathetic. Can’t even listen to a word I say.” Tom kept his fingers in your mouth and removed the one from your thigh only for Mattheo to swoop in. He took his brother's spot while Tom moved to your side.
Mattheo quickly removed the chains and relief rushed through you. That was until you felt his rough hands begin to grope at your thighs being sure that there will be bruises by tomorrow.
Without hesitation Mattheo had ripped off your sleep shorts without a care as you gasped in shock. Though that only encouraged Tom’s fingers to go deeper in your throat as you tried desperately not to gag.
You felt more and more of Mattheos' hands as they grew more daring. Playing with the soft lace outline of your panties almost teasing you as if to say “guess my next move.”
If you didn’t know what feeling nervous felt like before you definitely knew it now. Not knowing their next move was probably the worst of it.
And that was about the only thing your mind was saying when Mattheo pushed a finger into your hole, panties pushed to the side, and a shocked expression on your face. Both of the boys were smirking at you as he continued to swiftly move his finger in and out quickly before adding a second.
You bit down on your lip ruthlessly when Tom had pulled his fingers out of your mouth so that you could conceal your moans and not give them the satisfaction of it.
As Mattheos fingers continued their assault to your pussy Tom had untied the chains on your wrists as well with you hardly knowing it. He sat behind you now pulling up your shirt and tossing it to the side. Almost groaning at the sight of your braless tits.
His hands were quick to play with your nipples, relishing in how soft and warm they were. Your mind was a buzz to say the least. Mattheo’s fingers pumping in and out of you, Tom’s fingers against your bare chest, as well as his mouth creating dark spots around your neck.
The rest was a blur and just like that you sandwiched between the two with both of them fucking you relentlessly. Mattheo had been lying on his on his back fucking up into your pussy as he had you straddling his waist.
While Tom on the other hand had been above you, his cock hitting from behind, moving their bodies in sink, making you just want to melt into them.
“G-Gonna..mhphhh.” You sputtered out. The pleasure to overwhelming for your mind to come up with a proper sentence. However Tom had helped you out. “Gonna cum for us little dove, gonna cum because of the people you hate?”
You nodded quickly as your moans increased. Your orgasm hit you like a truck as you practically screamed out against Mattheo’s shoulder. He was the next to cum, spilling it all in your sweet cunt. Tom following suit.
Just as you were finally beginning to relax they had both pulled out of you and flipped you on your back.
“Not so fast. We aren’t even close to finishing your punishment.”
Hope you enjoy 😊
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More resident evil 8 Au things!
So first thing Miranda is absolutely Insane/delusional in game at least to me she was (she quite literally fits the definition of insanity by doing the same things over and over again expecting different results) and I wanted to explore that a bit more in this AU than what we got in the original game, we did get more insane/delusional Miranda in the DLC but it wasn't enough for me because I find her insanity/delusional thought process to be fascinating. Does she need to chill? absolutely! Will she? Never. She's the absolute worst and she will continue to be the absolute worst until Ethan kills her. And your right Miranda is stuck on f tier on everyone's tier list! (Even the Lord's except Monroe because he's a suck up)
Part of Miranda's reasoning for removing Mirabel from Alcina was because to Miranda she was ready to start her lording duties (which she was not she was a young child and that's a lot of responsibility for a young child) but it was mostly because Miranda was getting jealous and kind of paranoid over the relationship that Mirabel and Alcina and her daughters were starting to form at the time and separated them.
Because while you are correct that Alcina and her daughters wouldn't be the best at raising an emotionally vulnerable child like Mirabel was, they to me wouldn't be the worst and would try their best to give her the best childhood they could while she was with them. Were they perfect? of course not, but they tried really hard to be better for her. They all tried to be as nonviolent as they physically could because they could tell that violence bothered her, they spent as much time as they could with her playing/reading/ teaching her things etc, they would give her anything she asked for without asking her to do anything in return and if they did ask her to do something it would be something small like 'finish your school work' or 'clean part of your room/playroom', and most importantly if they did something to hurt her even if it was on accident they would take the time to apologize and try to make up for it. All in all while she was there they absolutely spoiled and doted on her and for the most part Mirabel was actually fairly happy with them, Alcina and her daughters really stepped up to make a safe space for her and treated her as one of their own. Of course she was upset and sad about being away from her family and so far away from home obviously she would have been a lot happier at home with her family but she couldn't be with them because of Miranda. And Maribel does love Alcina and her daughters she isn't just grateful to them for what they did for her. She genuinely loves and cares about them as her adoptive family and will sometimes call Alcina mother and the daughters sisters (never in front of Julieta or her actual sisters though she feels too guilty). She just wishes that they could be better people but they can't because the specific mutation that they have makes it to where they need to eat human flesh and to me their mutation also affects how they act and increases their aggression to the point where it's impossible for them to be in control of their anger and that causes them to lash out a lot and because of that Mirabel tries to keep a distance between them because it hurts her that they can't be better people because of their mutation.
And you were right the creepy casita was not alive when Mirabel first got there it was originally just a regular house that was modeled after her family home with a couple of changes. Like how Casita has their courtyard but it is made completely of tiles The creepy Casita has a garden type courtyard in it with patheways around it and obviously the creepy casita has a very large basement for Mirabel's experiments. And whereas casita is mainly a yellow color with orange tiled roof the green tower and the pink and kind of maroon highlights that it has on the one wall in front and then the one wall in back The creepy casita is a mainly gray color with a black tile roof and a dark purplish Tower and two different types of darker blue colors on the walls The darker of the two shades on the back wall. The way that The creepy casita basically comes to life is that one day a little bit after being sent there (let's say 3 months) Mirabel kind of has an emotional breakdown because of how lonely she had felt and all of the pressure that she had been under and kind of explodes this black mold out of her body during the breakdown and it seeped into the floorboards and walls which Mirabel didn't realize until suddenly the house started to comfort her like Casita used too and the house has been alive ever since.
Miranda forcing Mirabel to experiment on her family just months after getting them back was something that she was always going to do. Her intention when she went to get them was that they were going to be experimented on and it was going to be done by Mirabel because she wanted to experiment on the miracle/magic but at the same time she wanted to test Mirabel and see where her "true loyalties lied" it was just a very happy bonus to Miranda that Mirabel had stopped doing some of her experiments so that she would have an excuse to have her experiment on them and that she could pin the blame for having Maribel experiment on them on Mirabel herself saying things like "if you had just continued to do your job none of this would have happened".
As for ideas for how the family looks. For the most part everyone looks the same the miracle protected their bodies from too many physical mutations so all of them only really have one mutation. Antonio has his eye and I do like the idea of the mold spreading a little bit but not too far across his face I feel like it would spread up to the side of his nose and a little bit into his hairline (kind of like zuko scar from Avatar but a little bit more scar going towards the nose).
Alma has a fairly decent size scar on her throat That kind of looks infected by the black mold like there's a little bit of black veins coming from it and sometimes the scar will start leaking black mold but other than that she looks normal
Julieta has no physical mutations besides the times that her hands start to open up and leak black mold she has scars on the top of her hands though just underneath her knuckles.
Peppa Felix and Augustine don't have any obvious physical changes Peppa's back has scars that look like lightning strikes but are completely black. both Felix and Augustine have autopsy scars across their chest that also look like they're infected with the black mold having little black veins near them and also will leak black mold.
Isabela and Luisa's mutation affects their arms Luisa has scars underneath her biceps and both of her arms have black veins instead of regular veins whereas Isabela has vines that are completely covered in black mold wrapped around her arms.
Bruno's mutation comes and goes basically his eyes start filling with the black mold to the point that it is leaking out of his eyes it makes his eyesight go completely black and he can't see anything for a random amount of time.
Dolores's mutation is barely noticeable because it covers her ears and her ears basically look like they are completely infected with black mold on the inside in a little bit on the outside.
As for bugs for each family members redesign I picked bugs a little bit based off of their personality so
Dolores: house fly
Pepa:Yellow jacket
Felix: rhinoceros beetle
Alma's I kept the same from the movie: monarch butterfly
Camilo: Firefly / lightning bug
Julieta: Honey Bee
Augustine: Red Ant
Isabela: Jumping spider
Luisa: Ironclad beetle
Bruno: sweat-fly
As always any and all artwork is appreciated!
I'M SORRY THIS TOOK. SO LONG 🥴😭
As an apology, I will be writing a snippet and doing more art. I'm so sorry for taking so long I got busy 💀💀
ANYWAYYYY. Miranda being insane, like an actual psychopath??? Like is it really surprising. In the backstory, and the main game AND DLC she is literally making some of the most insane decisions. And she doesn’t have anyone’s best interest in mind,except in this instance maybe Mirabel. And even then,it’s only because Miranda wants to use Mirabel to get back Eva. She will never chill 😭
Her getting jealous of Alcina is wild lmao 🧌 she’s one to talk,I mean. Be so fr Miranda,,,,At least Lady D and her daughters did their best to care for Mirabel, to some extent. And they taught her stuff. The most that Miranda ever did was give her some clothes and some infected toys. Other than that??? Trauma and some terrible scars and the ability to fly 🤕
Also shoutout for dupe Casita coming to live and coming in clutch I mean. Mirabel was probably so scared and stressed out, like that must’ve been a God send for Mirabel cause me??? I would’ve tapped out SO fast 🙏
As for the experiments. The fact that she was always planning it?? Like sort of implies sge had to have been watching and been aware of the Madrigals for a while, planned to take Mirabel, probably break her down and then make her experiment on her family. How low does she have to go 🌚 Also thinming, Miranda also took some residents of the Encanto right??? Bro 😭 you think Mirabel sees some of the people she used to help??? Crazy
Guess the residents weren't very evil 😔 BUT THE BUG IDEAS SO COOL...will eventually make designs for anyone, but for now, these residents who aren't evil
Also very random question, but do you think Pedro has any relevance?? I mean. Do you think Mirabel might've seen that consciousness can be stored and thought about Pedro? Not bringing him back tho, though she's not as crazy as Miranda lmao 💀💀
Idk just thinking. ANYWAY. WILL BE DOING A SNIPPET WITH ART...probably with Alma, Antonio, and Mirabel somehow. Idk, it's after Antonio's experiment so he's still recovering. But idk if it should be before or after Alma's experiment because I kinda want Mirabel to just apologize, but then I kinda want Alma to be self-aware and realize that she's going to be next, or up next at any given point.
#my asks#my asks are open#encanto#encanto au#au#encanto resident evil au#resident evil#resident evil village#re 8#encanto mirabel#encanto antonio#encanto isabela#encanto dolores#encanto Camilo#encanto luisa#encanto alma#encanto Julieta#encanto agustin#encanto Pepa#encanto felix#encanto Bruno
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Young Royals fanfic recommendations, again
Like because, love despite | chaptered | completed | by cali-chan (girls_are_weird) / @girls-are-weird
Simon let out a huff. "For our plan! Remember? To get Englund and August to do business together so we can get them to cut us some slack?"
Wille frowned, confused. "Wait, I thought that was a joke."
"It was," Simon conceded. But then he leaned closer, conspiratorially, and lowered his voice, making Wille's traitor heart start nearly beating its way out of his chest. "But... what if it wasn't?" he asked, pronouncing the words very slowly.
Wilhelm and Simon are a pair of overworked, underpaid assistants who team up to gain their supervisors' favor by bringing them together for a joint venture. It might be the best worst idea they've ever had.
Based on the movie Set It Up, which I haven’t seen, but damn. What a good and fun AU! I had a lot of joy reading it as a wip but I’m excited to do a binge reread soon. If you love romcoms, this is for you.
The umbrella | chaptered | completed | by gulliblelemon / @gulliblelemon
Simon’s head snapped up and he looked behind him.
“Oh my God,” Simon muttered.
Wilhelm strode towards him and shook his head slightly. He stopped when he was a few paces from him.
“Hi,” he said, an incredulous look still on his face.
Meeting the Crown Prince once was weird, twice had been just bizarre, but three times?
A University AU in which Simon and Wilhelm meet by accident when Simon is working in Bjärstad and Wilhelm is a student. They continue to bump into each other until they start to form a tentative friendship.
This was a fun one based on an interesting premise. I liked how the relationship developed, and I also really liked the friendships.
Fuck the monarchy | chaptered | completed | by itsme_hi_imtheproblem / @iwouldnevergetintofanfic
Simon and Wille get stuck with each other when they both intern at the riksdag.
Wille is intent to just get this dreaded thing over with. Simon can't believe he of all people has to work not only with an old conservative but with the literal prince.
Both are surprised by the inexplicable and inevitable pull they feel towards each other.
Hot and sweet and interesting. I loved to watch their relationship grow. Their banter was on point and it was a real treat to read.
Obviously | chaptered | completed | by grapehyasynth / @grapehyasynth
In their final year of secondary school, Simon and Wille find themselves entering a potent, secret relationship that threatens to upend both their lives. It can't last, but neither can they stop being a part of each other's lives. Over the next few years, even as everything around them changes, even as they hurt and lose each other, they keep finding themselves drawn together.
Normal People AU
Obviously. No but seriously. This story broke me and then repaired me. I’ve never read/watched the source material but this AU is insane.
The Prince And The Popstar - Fuck The Monarchy And Other Hits | chaptered | completed | by @pagegirlintraining and @the-amber-fox
International superstar and chaos gay Simon Eriksson is more than surprised to find none other than Prince Wilhelm of Sweden in the audience at one of his concerts. Especially after he’s slandered the monarchy more than once in his songs (Fuck the monarchy - the album) and online (in excessively long burn threads).
His next decision brings together what shouldn’t fit. Can they overcome the forces trying to push them apart? Can their young love surmount the rising pressure?
What can I say other than this was delightful and made me feel all of the emotions? There’s many things I can say, I’d the answer. It was fun and had cliffhangers and I loved every part of it. Even the pain.
Other recs: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7
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Me and my gf got into a bad car accident today
#turning left out of the pub parking lot#light was red for oncoming traffic#cars in both lanes stopped to wave us ahead we start pulling out to turn#i guess this big black truck didn't want to wait. hopped into the turn lane to pass all of them#hit me drivers side#we spun out almost into the intersection#i drive a little white car#airbags were smoking#windshield cracked#me and my gf are okay physically#like sore and everything our necks hurt but#emotionally it's horrifying because#if i had been a little further into the turn lane it would have killed#i would have died in a car accident on st. Patrick's day getting reubens by a big ass truck driven by a jamie lee curtis look alike#it was horrifying#i feel like I'd be using it as an excuse if i didn't go to class tomorrow but like. i feel like shit#just really really glad to be alive and safe#i hope those old fuckers know their impatience could've killed us#love you all go tell your people u love them#a good samaritan gave us a ride to the tow place and back home#but today has just been kind of a nightmare#bri ffr#ask to tag
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I hope this doesn't come off as pressuring at all, I'm definitely not expecting anything, I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed a game we can try (I made like 3 separate comments and then deleted them bcos anxiety skjdhkjh) and will definitely look forward to updates /if/ they ever happen (either way I'm rereading it regularly ofc ^.^) ty for the work you do & im so sorry it didn't get the engagement it deserved!!
<333 Thanks anon, I hope I can return to it one day. I'm definitely not calling it on permahiatus yet or cancelled or anything, it's more just, 'it depresses me to think about right now so Ima wait.'
For what it's worth, just leaving a heart counts as a comment. And it lets me know that people are reading. There's nothing to stop someone from later coming back and leaving a second comment if they want to (like one with words), but if you've ever looked in my comment sections, you'll always see a few people just offering hearts, and I always reply to them, and like... it counts!
Unfortunately authors just don't know how appealing something is if there's not much engagement. I think if my motivations had been different - i.e. if like Smoke in Autumn I didn't care if people were reading it or not - I'd be writing it still, but this story, while I've always wanted to write it, came at this specific time as my love for kind of the Iron Lion fandom and its people, and well...
Well... anyway, hopefully I can return to it. It's definitely not ruled out. But I might make it way way shorter than I initially intended to.
#asks and answers#a game we can try#thespectaclesofthor#i feel like there's a lot of fanfic i've written where i really haven't cared about the response#like my Houseki no Kuni fic#but wow it hurts so much more when you do#and it just kind of flatlines#like to date in a month's time#it's been around 15 comments#many by people who found it completely by accident#that's a LOT of comments to some#and i am VERY lucky to get any comments at all#but most of my stuff averages around 15 comments in *24 hours*#again i am very very lucky to get these comments#and these commenters are all incredible#i just also have to make money to eat food#and if i have to choose also between a popular fanfic and one that i *thought* would be popular#but is slumping along behind it#i have ADHD i will go where the dopamine is sfdalfkjdas
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I really REALLY wish people would start saying "have some sympathy/compassion" instead of "have some empathy". Feelings do often impact actions but....they don't have to. And a lot of problems arise when actions are taken solely based on emotions. The type of empathy I'm best at is cognitive empathy - recognizing and understanding how someone might be feeling - and that's a skill that's shaky at best. Emotional empathy I nearly completely lack. I can count the amount of times someone had made me feel their emotions on one hand (I think about three times in my entire life).
But then there's compassion. Compassion you can do regardless of empathy level. Compassion you can do regardless of how something makes you feel. People can have extreme levels of empathy and choose not to try to help someone that they could. Likewise, people can have zero empathy and choose to help someone. Emotions can influence actions but it's not the only thing that matters
I am technically not no empathy, but I'm so low and so bad at empathy and trying to apply it that I'm virtually no empathy. Moments of true empathy are mostly flukes for me. But I'm a very compassionate person! An example is when someone vents or is sad in a discord server that's really not about that/doesn't have a vent channel for a reason. Do you know how that makes me FEEL? Irritated. Irked. If it's a small line or two, fine, it slips out, especially when your reality sucks. Entire unprompted rants? Trauma dumping in the middle of other people's normal conversations? That pisses me off. But you know what I'll often do? I'll say a few words. Generally my policy is that I'm not going to devote a ton of my own energy at my own detriment for a stranger (had an issue with that online as a teen), but if it doesn't hurt me physically or emotionally to give a few kind words to someone hurting, then I see no reason not to do it. It doesn't take much time from me and it makes someone clearly struggling feel a little bit better. There's zero empathy or any kind of "I feel so bad for you" emotions there, and yet, because I generally believe in trying to make things better if you can, I comfort them. I acknowledge that someone is hurting and play my part to remedy the situation
This is why people need to decouple actions from emotions. You don't have to feel ANYTHING to do the right thing. Something isn't "less good" because their heart wasn't in it. If someone drops their wallet and you return it to them solely out of social obligation, guess what? A wallet has still been returned. Someone's money, debit/credit cards, and entire identity, was not lost. Someone was just saved a ton of grief by a simple act carried out by a person who doesn't give a fuck. The results of your actions is, for most every day circumstances, more important than how you actually feel doing them
#just ranting because like. i experience emotions very strongly but not because of other people#no/extremely low empathy comes with struggles yes#for instance i hurt people's feelings on accident because im truly just mentally unable to naturally understand why someone would be hurt b#what i said#ive gotten better and better over the years but its still hard. and still an excercise in remembering to think 'wait -#'how would i feel if someone said this to me?'#and if the answer is 'well I'd be pissed' i dont say it#but im still a very compassionate person#ive had to learn to set boundaries for that compassion because it was affecting me negatively!#the same way people say 'caring too much' has hurt them#well i don't actually care about a lot of the people i help. i care about the act of helping others when i can enough to show compassion#but i dont often care about the person or what theyre going through#(for the record i do care about close friends to the point where that whole caring too much thing is relatable. im EXTREMELY loving#just very selective about it)#idk 12 am rant about compassion vs empathy because im tired of having to block what i assume are generally well meaning people who throw#low/no empathy havers under the bus every chance they get#compassion is a CHOICE and one you don't need empathy to make
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once upon a time i liked a ship for what it was and then i saw how the fandom treated it and now i have visceral hatred towards it (harsh but not far off)
#leah.txt#normal i swear#it’s like i’m just so tired of seeing it and i think it’s cause a lot of the time people mischaracterise the characters involved so often#when talking about it and i hate it. i’m being vague cause don’t want it showing up anywhere. but like in canon the concept is so good and#so juicy even though i am not really a fan of like enemies/lovers kinda tropes. slash cause it’s more lovers to enemies but were always#technically enemies but real bonds formed on accident and that always runs deep even after the fact etc etc it’s such a good ship in concep#and then you see the fandom and go ah you’ve made it insufferable to me now. it gets reduced to just like the most i mean fandomy shit#it happens so often with me now that it’s like i need to not look at tags ever actually akdjsjsksns#so so vague but the concept of falling in love and fraternising when you shouldn’t and so many elements of you are going to betray this#person when the time comes but you can’t help falling for them and the other side being i shouldn’t be falling for this guy he’s my#superior officer but it’s like no he’s actually not and he’s a mole and he’s going to kill you all off. and then running for him when he#gets injured. that’s so. even after he tells you that you what his plans were. still caring. but like. out of anger and hurt you bruised hi#ego and insulted him and that starts big revenge run of like someone who can’t take criticism or being made to feel lesser… but you have to#hunt him down even if you still hold feelings for him he is everything you stood against and were fighting and now you’re fighting him when#you loved him. irl you know i hate this shit and betrayal and lying and all that you know this i’m just talking in fiction it’s got so many#layers. having to kill the man you once loved because he became everything he was against and he developed delusions and lost his mind. IT#HURTS. then you look at the fandom and it’s like teehee they’re just soooo gay gay homosexual and it’s like. this ship has layers. it’s lik#an onion. but okay. and it’s always just like i mean the gross people come out with the really gross fics with it but like omg it’s such a#good ship in concept with lovers becoming enemies when they shouldn’t have been lovers in the first place because it was a sort of forbidde#setting. the captain and his subordinate. captain who is actually a mole and going to betray these people who he has unintentionally formed#some bonds with. actually learning they are on opposing ends. the man they saw as fair and just and cool is a liar a manipulator a scheming#bastard who is only doing things out of self interest BUT HE GOT FEELINGS. it’s so arghghhhggggg and that’s why the criticism hits deeper#cause it’s someone he cared about and it’s so aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#like there’s a reason it’s the most popular ship because i mean they are literally each others narrative foil lmaooo but like the fandom#just somehow makes it weird a lot and i’m 🧍🏼 why guys why#and what i mean by gross people and gross fics is what a lot of people do to villains doing to others even when they aren’t like that. you#guys are just nasty and gross and need to not share things like that <3#i feel like it's a lot of just fetishising two men being together rather than focusing on their dynamics and characters
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cole ninjago be like while you were criticizing my coping skills i accomplished my own therapy BY studying the blade
#ninjago#cole brookstone#my strongest cole opinion is that him quote unquote running away was actually undeniably a good thing for him#it’s what let him have the emotional space to actually a) recognize his deeper set issues w/ his father b) feel like he had the agency he#deserved and take the responsibility he KNEW he could handle and prove himself (and his mothers legacy) to himself#and c) gain the maturity + (self-sustaining instead of just spiteful/rebellious) independence necessary for him to realize#that his father wasn’t trying to hurt him. they’re both very stubborn but caring people who were both coping poorly with a hard time#and the clear love lou has for his son after they reconcile is so so important to me. people are complicated and fucked up and sometimes#you hurt each other by accident. but both needing space to process and actualize yourself AND wanting to reconnect and build back your#relationship are simultaneously difficult and a justified and understandable goal#text✨#for some of the ninja becoming ninja let them run away from their problems and we talk about it a lot but i think cole works way better#if you understand that it was a necessary step for him
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Mild rant incoming:
My dad just misgendered me multiple times in front of my brand new friend who’s only ever known me as a guy. Like I met her only a few months ago after being on T for years, so as far as she’s concerned I’m a guy, I look and sound like a dude. It’s chill. (Testosterone is fantastic 10/10 everyone should try it)
And then my dad comes in like “she this” and “her that” and he’s laughing and joking with my new friend and she looks super uncomfortable and I just want to disappear. And the worst part is I don’t even think he realised he’d done it. like it was a super brief interaction before he walked off and no one said anything about it. He’d just done it by accident. So I feel like I can’t be mad at him, like if I brought it up he’d probably be like “I hadn’t noticed I’d done that, I feel really bad about it” or whatever, and then I’d feel bad for even mentioning it. But it was devastating.
It just reminded me that it doesn’t matter if everyone who meets me reads me as male (which they do) they’ll always be some people who just think of me as “she” no matter what. I could have the most luscious beard and the deepest voice and my family will still call me “she” in front of people who I don’t want to think of me like that. It’s Inescapable.
And my family are accepting, they’re trying, as I said I’m convinced dad hadn’t even noticed he’d done it, but you can’t force people to forget who you were, you can’t force people to move on even if you have.
#I don’t know if I should bring it up? like with my friend or with my dad#like what would I even say?#’’hi new friend. you may have noticed my dad misgendering me yesterday. that was an accident. I’m sorry you had to hear it.’’?!#or ‘’btw dad. I didn’t sleep last night cos I kept replying you misgendering me in front of my friend over and over’’??#so he might say sorry but would that actually make me feel better? probably not#I can’t stress how much I Don’t Look Like A Girl. everyone at work thinks I’m a man#which is also awkward cos I’m not but I’ve rather that then the alternative#I’m mean I’m not stealth. Friend in Question knows I’m trans. but still#ugh maybe I’m just getting upset over nothing#but you know there comes a point where you think you’re past getting misgendered#and then when it happens it’s like an out of nowhere punch in the gut#sorry. I know a lot of other trans people have it much worse. it just really hurt and I needed to complain online about it
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#i guess that accident affected me more than i thought it did#i didn’t really give myself time to process what happened#i just kept distracting myself to avoid negative feelings#now i cannot stop hearing the sounds or hearing the voices of people who came to check on us#i can even feel the car get hit and lift if i think about it for too long#it is a lot to deal with#and my leg is hurting again
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im cranky because im allergic to the adhesive from my heart monitor and it keeps coming off anyways so im like double cranky but either way the discourse posts im seeing are pussing me oooooffff today. everyone quickly take accountability for your own feelings and actions. QUICKLY
#i feel like. if youve been a victim of anything in your life. you become wired to see it everywhere and assume that people are out to getyou#and like sometimes they are and sometimes they arent but hurt you by accident. but a lot of the time#they are just existing and probably completely unaware that you have been victimized at all and maybe not everything is about your feelings#but like as an adult its your own responsibility like the people around you arent mind readers. address it with them or yourself but its not#their actual problem. plus like seeing your previous victimization everywhere is no way to live? and its pretty unfair to#the people around you with good intentions to just assume they have bad intentions. not cool#i just feel like social media discourse really encourages immature thinking and it really needs to stop
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#tag talk#thinking about how I'm too loud too rough too much for so many people#there was a neighborhood yard that all the kids would go to jump on the trampoline and wrestle and I would accidentally hurt other kids#I was too unaware and too unrestrained and weirdly enough I kept on accidentally sinking my teeth into others (genuinely accident no lie)#and. idk. a lot of the scars on my body were deliberate but a lot were accidental. my hands and fingers are covered in slices#bigger ones from the hand saw. smaller ones from my knives. a permanent dent in my calf from a biking accident#I feel like I've always been just a little too much for people and I feel like some kind of animal that was never meant to be kept inside.#I'm sorry for biting too hard I was not created to be friends with something so delicate as you.#do I tag this as therian? I don't think so but now that I've typed it someone will find it in three months like they do with my tag talks.#I feel too much for even my own body. my skin too delicate for my own actions.#my dick is covered in scars where I've just ripped the skin from too much yanking. the joke is death grip but I'm two steps past that.#this is relevant because I accidentally made my gf sore af the other night because I used my strong hand not my dexterous hand#like.. sorry I hurt you I wasn't careful enough I didn't remember to turn myself down to sixty percent#I forget to turn my volume down I'll hurt you. I forget to turn my power down I'll crush you. I forget to turn my speed down I'll hit you.#spirit made for a stronger body. energy made for a larger society. hands made for tougher people. heart made for stronger friends.#I get too energetic and have to spread myself out to multiple people I mention this and they say “why don't I ever get to see you like that?#you get to see part of me. you think you see the entire god but you only see the finger reaching out to touch you.#I show too much and you burn. your face glows with the afteraffect of my radiance.#I open my mouth to breathe freely and you char from the flames I let out. I kiss you and your cheek singes from my heat.#how do I live in a world full of fine china shops when I am a bull?#a traveler washed up on the shore of a land full of people with chairs too tiny for me to sit on.
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Mizu, femininity, and fallen sparrows
In my last post about Mizu and Akemi, I feel like I came across as overly critical of Mizu given that Mizu is a woman who - in her own words - has to live as a man in order to go down the path of revenge.
If she is ever discovered to be female by the wrong person, she will not only be unable to complete her quest, but there's a good chance that she'll be arrested or killed.
So it makes complete sense for Mizu to distance herself as much as possible from any behavior that she feels like would make someone question her sex.
I felt so indignant toward Mizu on my first couple watchthroughs for this moment. Why couldn't Mizu bribe the woman and her child's way into the city too? If Mizu is presenting as a man, couldn't she claim to be the woman's escort?
However, this moment makes things pretty clear. Mizu knows all too well the plight of women in her society. She knows it so well that she cannot risk ever finding herself back in their position again. She helps in what little way she can - without drawing attention to herself.
Mizu is not a hero and she is not one to make of herself a martyr - she will not set herself on fire to keep others warm. There's room to argue that Mizu shouldn't prioritize her quest over people's lives, but given the collateral damage Mizu can live with in almost every episode of season 1, Mizu is simply not operating under that kind of morality at this point. ("You don't know what I've done to reach you," Mizu tells Fowler.)
And while I still feel like Mizu has an obvious and established blind spot when it comes to Akemi because of their differences in station, such that Mizu's judgment of Akemi and actions in episode 5 are the result of prejudice rather than the result of Mizu's caution, I also want to establish that Mizu is just as caged as Akemi is, despite her technically having more freedom while living as a man.
Mizu can hide her mixed race identity some of the time, and she can hide her sex almost all of the time, but being able to operate outside of her society's strict rules for women does not mean she cannot see their plight.
It does not mean she doesn't hurt for them.
Back to Mizu and collateral damage, remember that sparrow?
While Mizu is breaking into Boss Hamata's manse, she gets startled by a bird and kills it on reflex. She then cradles it in her hands - much more tenderly than we've seen Mizu treat almost anything up to this point in the season:
She then puts it in its nest, with its unhatched eggs. Almost like she's trying to make the death look natural. Or like an accident.
You see where I'm going with this.
When Mizu kills Kinuyo, Mizu lingers in the moment, holding the body tenderly:
And btw a lot of stuff about this show hit me hard, but this remains the biggest gut punch of them all for me, Mizu holding that poor girl's body close, GOD
When Mizu arranges the "scene of the crime," Kinuyo's body is delicate, birdlike. And Mizu is so shaken afterward that she gets sloppy. She's horrified at this kill to the point that she can't bring herself to take another innocent life - the boy who rats her out.
MIZU'S ONE MOMENT OF SOFTNESS AND MERCY, COMING ON THE HEELS OF HER NEEDING TO KILL A GIRL TO SPARE HER THE WORST FATE THAT THIS RIGID SOCIETY HAS TO OFFER WOMEN, AND TO SPARE A BROTHEL FULL OF INNOCENT WOMEN WHO ARE THE CASTOFFS OF SOCIETY, NEARLY RESULTS IN ALL OF THEIR DEATHS
No wonder Mizu is as stoic and cold as she is.
And no wonder Mizu has no patience for Akemi whatsoever right before the terrible reveal and the fight breaks out:
Speaking of Akemi - guess who else is compared to a bird!
The plumage is more colorful, a bit flashier. But a bird is a bird.
And, uh
Yeah.
I like to think that Mizu killing the sparrow is not only foreshadowing for what she must do to Kinuyo, but is also a representation of the choice she makes on Akemi's behalf. She decides to cage the bird because she believes the bird is "better off." Better off caged than... dead.
But because Mizu doesn't know Akemi or her situation, she of course doesn't realize that the bird is fated to die if it is caged and sent back home.
Mizu is clearly not happy, or pleased, or satisfied by allowing Akemi to be dragged back to her father:
But softness and mercy haven't gotten Mizu anywhere good, recently.
There is so much tragedy layered into Mizu's character, and it includes the things she has to witness and the choices she makes - or believes she has to make - involving women, when she herself can skirt around a lot of what her society throws at women. Although, I do believe that it comes at the cost of a part of Mizu's soul.
After all, I'm gonna be haunted for the rest of this show by Mizu's very first prayer in episode 1:
"LET" her die. Because as Ringo points out, she doesn't "know how" to die.
Kind of like another bird in this show:
#blue eye samurai#mizu#akemi#kinuyo#bes#women are birds okay they are BIRDS#the let me die line is so SCARY AND SAD like a part of Mizu wants death but she cant? she doesnt know how?? excuse you show???#when all these other delicate birds are dying all around her#akemis character gets more and more gutwrenching upon subsequent rewatches because whenever she says her life is in danger#NO ONE BELIEVES HER - certainly not other women#because shes rich and pampered and that means shes safe and is worrying about nothing right? right?????#and it turns out that all of akemis instincts were right and she was in danger the ENTIRE TIME#also I need to make a post just for kinuyo because I am sad
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#hate when people complain about me being too “’slow’ when washing and dressing the patients like#I’m more prone to making accidents when I rush#I don’t wanna hurt them#also feeling kinda self conscious in my uniform#it’s one of the dresses but it’s like below my knee#and loose#but tbh I prefer my uniform loose because I sweat a lot when working and I don’t want it clinging to me#also I went to an Anglican high school where the skirts had to be 6 inches below the knee#so like this length isn’t that deep to me#oh forgot to explain why#people at work are making fun of me for it#they’re joking but it’s the kind where they mean what they say but they just say it in a jokey way#idk feel like I should be able to wear my uniform how I want
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oh fuck shit yes thank god i have an insurance again
#what luck tbh. that i haven't managed to hurt myself a lot in the (scarily long) time period where i apparently had no insurance#feeling so adult and yet so bad at adulting and now so good at it again. it's very confusing y'all#own post#adulting 101#i had to redo the entire proces because something went wrong so im excited (scared) if i am now twice insured by accident#which also meant that in order to get it all sorted i had to call in and then get transferred#and have people (including -but not limited to- myself) be very confused#and actually having a call with an insurance company is scary BUT not as much as i had feared?#and yesterday evening i talked with my mum's boyfriend who works in an insurance company and he said the insurance i have chosen is good#so that's reassuring as well
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THE DIVORCE OF THE CENTURY
TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS BETWEEN GRIAN AND GOODTIMESWITHSCAR, DAY 1:
His Hon. Judge BdoubleO100: Silence in the court!
[Court is not silent]
His Hon. Judge Bdubs: Silence in the COURT! I can have you all HANGED!
[The court falls as silent as is possible with a dozen Hermits present]
Judge Bdubs: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today—
Cleo: Ahem.
Judge Bdubs: WHAT?
Cleo: That’s for weddings, Bdubs. We’re not doing a wedding. In fact, if you think about it, this is about as far away from a wedding as you can get.
Judge Bdubs: Fine fine FINE. Dearly beloathed, we have all been dragged here today because SOME PEOPLE can’t get ALONG. Grian, step forward!
Grian: Do I— is this the podium for witnesses? Who built this and why did they make it out of nothing but trapdoors? So. Okay. I’m filing for divorce.
Scar: Wait, I thought I was filing for divorce.
Judge Bdubs: LET THE DEFENDANT SPEAK.
Ren: Bdubs, my man, that’s the petitioner. The court hasn’t accused Grian of any crimes.
Cleo: [darkly] Yet.
Grian: I haven’t done any crimes! I’m filing for divorce from Scar, obviously. As my lawyer will tell you—
Judge Bdubs: Do you have a lawyer?
Grian: Yes, your Honor. This is my defense lawyer Mumbo Jumbo Esq. [Waggles a hand behind his back and hisses] Mumbo!
Judge Bdubs: Mumbo’s your defense lawyer? Aren’t you supposed to have a divorce lawyer?
Mumbo: [steps forward and bows nervously] Well, I’ve never divorced anyone, but I have got a lot of experience in defending, er, mainly myself, come to think of it, and also my valuables. From Grian, as a matter of fact. So I think I’ll stick with ‘defense lawyer’ if that’s alright with the court, thank you.
Judge Bdubs: [leans aside to confer with Cleo] Is that alright with the court? Ask Joe.
[Court Scribe JoeHills confirms this is probably alright with the court]
Judge Bdubs: Good, good, next! Scar, do you have a lawyer?
Scar: Oh, absolutely. My lawyer is this cat I found outside.
Judge Bdubs: Not Jellie?
Scar: Jellie doesn’t believe we’re really divorcing and wouldn’t come.
Judge Bdubs: Is this cat a qualified divorce lawyer?
Scar: She’s a—let me look at those markings—she’s clearly a personal injury attorney.
Cleo: Have you been personally injured, Scar?
Scar: Why, thank you for asking, I have. My feelings have been very hurt!
Ren: Uh, Bdubs, maybe the court should establish some facts. Why they’re divorcing, what the court can do for them, that sort of thing.
Judge Bdubs: YES. Let’s start with the facts. Now, we all know why you and Scar got married in the first place. Don’t stand there and make that innocent face at me, Grian, I know all the secrets. You got married because Etho and I had the WEDDING OF THE CENTURY last month and you were JEALOUS—no, don’t talk, THE JUDGE IS TALKING—you were jealous of us. [aside] Bdubs and Etho had the wedding of the century, Joe, are you writing this down?
Court Scribe JoeHills: Yep, your Honor, I’ve written that down.
Grian: It wasn’t that good.
Judge Bdubs: YOU TAKE THAT BACK.
Grian: Etho had his bouquet wrapped in a Kleenex box.
Scar: [sentimentally] Don’t you listen to him, Bdubs, I thought the flower arch was lovely.
Judge Bdubs: Thank you, Scar! I—
Cleo: You can’t find in favor of Scar because he said something nice about your own wedding decorations.
Judge Bdubs: [with dignity] —was NOT going to do that. Ahem. So, you and Scar got married because you were jealous—
Grian: We didn’t! It wasn’t like that!
Judge Bdubs: —and now you want to get divorced. Why?
[At this point Petitioner Grian and Petitioner Scar, who have been studiously avoiding each other’s gazes, appear to lock eyes by accident. They both jerk away like they’ve touched a blaze rod. Grian immediately swivels to face the bench, and this scribe has to note that at normal times Grian’s stare is disconcertingly like two soulless voids looking back at you, so it’s even worse when he’s attempting a poker face. Scar becomes very interested in his cat defense lawyer and doesn’t look at Grian at all.]
Grian: The thing is, you see, this marriage was a scam from the start.
*
EVIDENCE #1
[Dramatization by Court Scribe from participant testimony]
One month previously, a note landed in Scar’s bedroom attached to a firework rocket with a red bow and rose. This was very romantic, or at least it would have been romantic if the rocket hadn’t lodged in the rafters and set itself and a chunk of the surrounding wall on fire, but in any case it was clearly Grian making an effort, so Scar deciphered the coordinates scribbled on the charred note and set off to find out what was going on.
They pointed to a spot in the middle of nowhere. In Scar’s long experience of Grian, this meant an equal chance that they were going to make out or he was going to get inventively murdered, but this was always a gamble worth the odds.
But when he arrived, on a green hill in a quiet spot of the server, it was neither. The top of the hill had been leveled off and covered with birch wood, on which Grian was industriously spelling out something with white wool, though Scar couldn’t make out the words from his low angle of approach. Grian stopped when he spotted Scar and launched up to meet him. His wings beat so fast they were nearly vibrating.
“Scar,” Grian said, “Scar.” His grin was one of a cat who had stolen not only the cream, but the milk, the cow, and everyone else’s cows for good measure. “Scar, I’ve had an idea.”
This was clearly a planning-a-prank type of meeting, which probably meant no making out, but Grian’s pranks were not to be missed. “I’m in,” Scar said. “Do we get fancy costumes? I want a fancy costume.”
“No, Scar, that’s not the point—wait, yes, actually.” Grian angled his wings to carve tight spirals around Scar’s coasting flight, always a sign of excitement, and nudged the angle of their joint descent to land on top of the white wool scrawls. “Yes, fancy costumes are a big part of it, but that’s not—listen, this is my big gesture. Just look down.”
Scar looked down. The wool said, WILL YOU MARR.
“I ran out of wool,” Grian said. He flapped a hand. “Just because it’s a big gesture doesn’t mean it has to be finished.”
“What was it supposed to say?” Scar said innocently.
“Scar!” Grian shifted from foot to foot when he got agitated, which was always funny. “Fine! Okay! Stand there.”
The hidden trapdoor beneath their feet gave way as Grian pressed a switch. Scar yelped for form’s sake, but nothing exploded, and the only thing at the bottom of their tumbled slide was an underground bunker.
It had a table, and two chairs, and a huge corkboard on the otherwise blank walls. Grian had always had a thing for bunkers.
“This,” Grian said, with a flourish, “is the Wedding War Room.”
Scar looked around the bunker and asked the important question. “Are you going to decorate it?”
“Am I going to—no, listen, that’s not the point either. You can decorate it, if you want. The point is, you know how Bdubs and Etho got married?”
“It was beautiful,” Scar agreed immediately. “That wedding chapel? Incredible, honestly, Bdubs is a true artist. Oh! Remember the part where Etho put a river of lava through the chapel roof and glitched it into a heart?”
“Okay, but, you know what Bdubs and Etho got?
“Eternal happiness?”
“Scar.”
“No, what?”
“Bdubs and Etho got royal diamonds,” Grian said impressively. “From the vault.”
“Are they still royal diamonds if Ren’s not king anymore?” Scar said. “I thought we blew up the vault, anyway. You blew it up. I was there.”
“Do you pay any attention to anything that’s not Scarland?” Grian said. “Mumbo didn’t know what to do with the diamonds so he and Iskall built a new vault. I think Mumbo and Iskall and Impulse are the only ones who really know how to get into it. Anyway, everyone got so warm and fuzzy about Bdubs and Etho’s wedding that they all decided to open the vault up and just gave them diamonds.”
“Free diamonds?” Scar said thoughtfully.
“Free diamonds!” Grian’s eyes glittered. “Think of that vault. Stacks on stacks on stacks of diamonds. Thousands of diamonds! We could have some of those, for nothing, just by saying some words. And that’s not even mentioning the wedding presents! We’re out here spending days and days grinding resources and stocking our shops when we could be swimming in it! That could be us, Scar.” Scar had entirely forgotten the lack of interior decorations; he always did, when Grian got on a roll as mesmerizing as this.“And so,” Grian took a deep breath and held out his hand, “Scar, will you marry me?”
Scar took his hand with an enormous wave of affection. “Grian,” he said sincerely, “I have never, in my whole life, wanted to marry anyone more.”
*
EVIDENCE #2
Mumbo took the news more earnestly than Grian had expected.
“Oh,” said Mumbo. “Oh, haha, wow—seriously? Scar said something and I thought it was just a joke, but you guys actually… Wow!” He cleared his throat. “Grian, mate, it’s been a long time coming. I’m so happy for you.”
“Don’t get sappy,” Grian said. “It’s just a wedding. I mean,” he clarified, “it’s a very important wedding, obviously, because it’s my wedding, but I don’t need you to get sappy about it. I don’t even need you to talk about it. I just need you to bring diamonds.”
“I didn’t even know you were going to ask him,” Mumbo said, ignoring the very clear instructions Grian had just given him. “Or did he ask you, or—mate, that’s just brilliant. This is brilliant. Is it because Bdubs and Etho had that wedding? That was really beautiful, I don’t mind saying, I got a little bit teary.”
“This has nothing to do with any weddings anyone else had,” Grian said with dignity. “Our wedding will be better, but that’s unrelated. I didn’t come here to talk about that. I came here to ask you something.” He took hold of Mumbo’s hand in the most meaningful grip he could muster. “Mumbo, we’ve been friends for years, right?”
“Of course,” Mumbo said nervously.
Grian gave it a second’s pause for the sake of drama. “Mumbo Jumbo, will you be my best man?”
“Ah,” Mumbo said, which was not what Grian had expected. “Ah. Er. Might be a problem there.”
“What’s the problem?”
“Well, you see, five minutes ago, Scar…”
*
EVIDENCE #3
<Grian> scar
<Grian> scar
<Grian> scar
<GoodTimeWithScar> yES?
<Grian> my base.
<Grian> now.
<GoodTimeWithScar> On my way
GoodTimeWithScar hit the ground too hard
<GoodTimeWithScar> oNE MINUTE
<Grian> come in the back door
GoodTimeWithScar hit the ground too hard
<GoodTimeWithScar> Was that a trap??
<Grian> mumbo is mine
<GoodTimeWithScar> No he isn’t, Mister!
GoodTimeWithScar was slain by Ravager
GoodTimeWithScar was slain by Ravager
GoodTimeWithScar was slain by Ravager
GoodTimeWithScar was slain by Ravager
Grian was shot by GoodTimeWithScar using [HoTgUy]
<Grian> MUMBO IS MINE
GoodTimeWithScar was slain by Vindicator
GoodTimeWithScar was slain by Ravager
Grian was shot by GoodTimeWithScar using [HoTgUy]
<Renthedog>: :o
GoodTimeWithScar burned to death
<Renthedog> Everything okay there, gentlemen?
<Grian> best man debate
GoodTimeWithScar was poked to death by a sweet berry bush
<Grian> all settled now
<Renthedog> wait
<EthosLab> Wait
<BdoubleO100> WAIT
<TangoTek> are you two…?
<Grian> invitations dropping tomorrow. wedding gift mandatory.
<GoodTimeWithScar> Come one, Come all!
<Grian> only diamonds will be considered real presents
<PearlescentMoon> huh
<impulseSV> omg finally! So happy for you guys!
<PearlescentMoon> be honest Grian, is this because Bdubs and Etho got married and you had to one-up them?
<Grian> NO IT IS NOT
*
EVIDENCE #4
The bachelor party negotiations were even more hard-fought than the best man.
They held the impromptu negotiations in the Wedding War Room, which was now covered with loving maps and hundreds of bits of paper that neither of them had read since putting them up there. They looked good, though, so Scar kept adding more.
There was a pile of paper strips on the table in front of them. Scar and Grian sat facing off like two negotiators at a ceasefire.
“Mumbo’s my best man,” Grian said, picking the first name off the pile without breaking eye contact and moving it to his side of the table, “so he comes to my party.” Scar gave in with a modicum of grace. The possibility of having bachelor parties at different times had been wordlessly considered and then summarily dismissed by both combatants.
Scar escalated it to a blood sport as he picked up the next bit of paper. “Pearl’s coming to my party.”
Grian yelped and grabbed Scar’s wrist. “She is not. I knew her first!”
“I know her better,” Scar countered. “Or at least,” he added, “I know her building style better.”
“You can’t just steal my friend because you like her building! That’s not how that works!”
“I think she’d enjoy it,” Scar said meditatively. “I’m going to have champagne. Glitter. Razzmatazz.”
“I will have more champagne,” Grian said mutinously. He hadn’t taken his hand off Scar’s wrist. “And more razzmatazz. You can’t have Pearl.”
“Oh, all right then,” Scar said, since Pearl was one of Grian’s oldest friends and he’d never had a chance of getting her anyway. Grian plucked the piece of paper out of his hand and put it on top of Mumbo’s paper. “I get Bdubs, though.”
That was a given. Grian didn’t seriously dispute it, though he opened his mouth to try. “I—yes, fine. You can have Bdubs.” Scar swept the piece of paper to his own side of the table.
“And that means,” Scar proceeded, with the grand momentum of a train starting to roll, “that I get Etho, as well.” He shuffled through the bits of paper and displayed Etho’s name like a magic trick.
He watched Grian calculate his chances of getting Etho if Bdubs was going to Scar’s party. “…okay, yeah, you get Etho.”
“Also that means I get Cleo,” Scar said. “She’ll come if Bdubs does. We don’t want to split up friends.” He drew Cleo’s name towards him, sliding another couple of slips underneath it at the same time. “Oh, and Joe as well, if Cleo’s coming.”
“What’s that other one?” Grian said suspiciously. He trapped Scar’s hand and pried out the third name. “What—no, you can’t have Ren.”
“Okay, okay, okay,” Scar said in his most reasonable voice. “Hear me out. I have Cub, right?”
“What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Well, I have Cub, and Bdubs, and Cleo, and Joe, so, by royal decree…”
“You can’t have Ren just because the five of you were in a royal murder cult with him!”
“Excuse me, mister, that wasn’t a cult. That was the royal court!”
“It was too a cult,” said Grian, a man who had once persuaded Ren into living in camper vans in the woods with him for weeks in order to break into a military base and steal a magic box.
Ren’s name was already safely on Scar’s side of the table. “And if I have Ren, then I have to have Doc—”
“Look, Scar, if you get all of Bdubs’ current and former exes—”
“—what’s a ‘current ex’—”
“—Etho and don’t interrupt me, if you get everyone Bdubs has ever had a relationship plus their plus ones you get ninety percent of our friends.”
“Is it my fault I throw good parties?” Scar protested. “Look, you can have—”
“I’m having Impulse,” Grian interrupted, pulling his name out. “I need more redstoners.”
“What for?”
Grian waved a hand. “You just need them around.” Scar nodded, unable to find a flaw in the logic. “Also I get Joel. And Martyn. And Timmy.”
“I built Jimmy a train,” Scar objected. He put his fingertips on the other end of Jimmy’s name while Grian attempted to steal it.
“All right, this is the ‘disputed’ pile,” Grian said, pushing it to the side. “Who else?”
Now they had a disputed pile, it started filling up. “If I have Cleo,” Scar said, “then technically I should have Scott—”
“You can’t keep using that trick!”
“Then how are we going to fix it, Grian?” Scar’s tone was eminently reasonable. “I think we should just let people be friends.”
“They are friends,” Grian said. “They’re friends with me.”
“They could be friends with me.”
“Tell you what,” Grian said, a warlike gleam coming into his eyes. “We’ll ask them.”
*
TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 1 (CONTINUED):
Judge Bdubs: So that’s how the split started?
Cleo: You weren’t even married at that point.
Grian: Right! Exactly! We weren’t even married and Scar used underhand methods to steal my friends!
Scar: Excuse me. You went around the server threatening everyone who you didn’t think was coming to your party. Talk about underhand methods! I just offered them a good time.
Grian: Your bribed them! You bribed them to come to your bachelor party! [stabs a finger at Judge Bdubs] You even bribed him, so I don’t know why we put him in charge of this divorce.
Judge Bdubs: Nobody is allowed to question the integrity of the judge! I am as PURE AS THE DRIVEN SNOW.
Scar: That’s a good point. I gave you netherite, Bdubs, you should be ruling in my favor.
Judge Bdubs: You gave me ONE netherite ingot, I’m not giving you a ruling for that.
Scar: Grian, I think this judge is biased.
Judge Bdubs: HOW DARE YOU.
Grian: Scar is right, this judge is corrupt! I can’t believe we were forced into this farce of a trial and the judge is corrupt! Joe, I demand a new judge.
[Court Scribe JoeHills indicates that he is pretty sure this whole divorce trial was Grian’s idea in the first place, and also that judges cannot usually be replaced just like that, and the Court Scribe personally does not have a reserve list]
Judge Bdubs: I refuse to SIT HERE and be SLANDERED! You’re both guilty! [slams gavel] TAKE THEM TO THE DUNGEONS.
[Court Scribe JoeHills confirms that the petitioners have not actually been accused of anything—despite obviously having committed many crimes, Cleo would like to me to record—so cannot be found guilty, and in any case we don’t have any dungeons]
Judge Bdubs: Fine! I give up! CLEO, YOU’RE THE JUDGE NOW.
Judge Cleo: Wait, am I?
[Judge Bdubs forcibly transfers the judicial wig to Cleo, upon which the snakes in her hair make a spirited attempt to eat it.]
Scar: Can we get on with it?
Judge Cleo: Yes, you can shut up. You can all shut up! Thank you. That’s better. Are you sure you two can’t just settle it out of court so we can all go home?
Grian: No, we can’t. Me and Scar have [checks his notes] undergone an irreparable breakdown.
Scar: Sure, we might have had an eruptable breakdown, but you can’t say it was my fault. I tried to make it work. I built us a honeymoon island! It had palm trees and deckchairs and everything. I’m coming here in good faith and I deserve to be the innocent party.
Grian: I want all the diamonds Scar has.
Judge Cleo: Joe, is he allowed to ask for that?
[Court Scribe diligently references the law summary he found on the internet, suggests that at this stage the judge can grant temporary financial orders on petitioner request]
Grian: Fine, I want half of Scar’s diamonds.
Scar: I need all my diamonds for Scarland materials!
Grian: They’re not your diamonds! They’re my diamonds!
Scar: Then I get half of all your dark prismarine, thank you very much, that will be amazingly useful.
Grian: You’re not touching my dark prismarine! I’ll sell it all if you try!
Judge Cleo: Nobody is touching anyone else’s anything! Ren, stop laughing, this is a serious courtroom. Grian, you’re not allowed to sell your dark prismarine. Scar, you’re not allowed to hide any of your diamonds. Everyone is going to keep things exactly as they are until this trial is done.
Grian: Do you trust him? Look at him, look at his face, would you trust that man? Of course you wouldn’t! All the diamonds should stay in my base while we’re having the trial.
Scar: This is outrageous! This is an outrageous demand! You can’t just question a man’s honor like that!
Judge Cleo: Well, put them somewhere safe. Joe can keep them.
Grian: [grudgingly] I suppose we could put them in the Royal Vault.
Judge Cleo: You want to put your valuables in escrow?
Scar: I don’t see what birds have to do with it.
[Short pause while the concept of ‘escrow’ is explained to both petitioners]
Scar: Well, I’ll do it, but I think Grian should put all his resources in nestcrow. Seeing as it’s all his fault.
Grian: I did everything right! I was the perfect groom!
Judge Cleo: You know, Grian, somehow I have my doubts. Go back to your marriage testimony. What happened next?
*
EVIDENCE #5
“Ahem,” said Mumbo. “Ahem.”
Grian rolled his eyes, jumped up on a table, decided that wasn’t good enough, flew up and perched on the light fitting, and yelled, “Everyone! It’s happening! The best man is speaking!”
Silence fell.
“I was actually going to announce you,” Mumbo said. He cleared his throat. “All right! So! This… is a bachelor party!”
The bachelor party–all three of them–looked at each other.
“Woohoo!” said Iskall.
“Party time!” tried Pearl gamely.
“I was promised champagne,” said Scott, who had been lured through the portal with one bribe only.
“There will be champagne,” said Mumbo. “As best man, it is my job to plan the bachelor party, and to plan a party that is… appropriate, and thoughtful, and informed by my long friendship with Grian, so,” he coughed, “if everyone could check the boxes under their chairs for supplies, we do have an event. Sort of thing. Kind of a party game.”
“Er,” said Pearl, checking under her chair. “This is… quite a lot of...”
Iskall started to giggle.
“Seriously, I was promised champagne,” said Scott.
“Yes, yes, we’ll get to that,” Mumbo said. “First, we’re going to sneak into the other party and blow them all up.”
“...so many ender crystals…” whispered Pearl.
“Look how they sparkle!” said Iskall.
“What about the—”
“And! When they’re all dead,” said Mumbo, “we can take their champagne.”
Grian flew down from the light fitting and landed in front of Mumbo. His eyes were shining. He took Mumbo’s hands in his. “Mumbo,” he breathed. “I’ve changed my mind. Can I marry you instead?”
“Er,” said Mumbo. “No?”
“Did you even order any refreshments?” said Scott.
“Listen,” Mumbo said, “it’s Grian’s party, we were going to end up doing this anyway, and it’ll be fun.”
“Dibs on blowing up Scar!” said Grian.
“We understand, Grian,” said Pearl.
“I suppose that’s sort of romantic?” said Scott in an undertone. “You’d think he’d have more trauma about it, after all the–”
“This is going to be so funny,” Grian said, scooping up handfuls of ender crystals. “Best–best man–ever.”
*
EVIDENCE #6
The actual wedding was a subdued affair.
The wedding venue had just about survived, by virtue of being several hundred blocks away from either bachelor party, though the smoking craters were visible in the background. From the front, the building was a charming mansion with flowers in every window. From every other angle it might be a gray shell, but Grian was a very busy person who was getting married and he couldn’t be expected to get to everything.
On the morning of the wedding, when Grian finally pieced himself together and dragged himself back from respawn he was met by the two Best Man candidates: Mumbo, who was sitting on the step of the venue dismally trying to piece his scorched suit back together, and Cub, who was completely unruffled and appeared to be doing a crossword.
“Oh, Grian, you made it.” Mumbo abandoned his scorched hems in relief. “Some people haven’t even respawned yet. We really do need Scar, though—”
“I’m here! I’m here!” Scar, impeccably dressed in a blue morning suit, swooped in from above, trailing flowers and losing his top hat in the process. “Gosh. Nobody else made it, huh?”
“I don’t believe this,” Grian said. “None of them?”
“Weren’t you supposed to open the portal again for the Empires people?”
“I forgot,” Grian said. “But we can’t focus on that. We have to focus on the fact that at least twenty Hermits promised to come, and now they aren’t here.”
“I, um,” Mumbo said. “I take full responsibility for the original idea, but I think the seventh time you blew up Bdubs and Ren and Doc and Zedaph you did blow up all their stuff as well. And I think some people got hit so hard they won’t respawn for a week.”
“That was their fault,” Grian said. “For being in the way of my ender crystals.”
“Seven times?” Cub said.
“Oh, as if you’ve never blown up someone and all their stuff seven times and pushed their respawn into next week.”
“So, what?” Scar said. “Do we just…not have a wedding?”
Mumbo coughed. “I think you should still get married.”
“What?”
“I just think,” Mumbo gestured vaguely. “You know, your whole thing. And Jevin made you the suits and everything. It would be a shame. You could have an intimate wedding without any guests, you know. I’m just saying.”
Grian attempted to trade a skeptical look with Scar. This didn’t work, as Scar had gone faintly red and wasn’t looking at him. “An intimate wedding, you mean, right here?” Scar said. “Now? Oh, yes, of course, but you know, now I come to think about it, I don’t know I can get married.”
This smelled like weakness. “What’s wrong with marrying me?” Grian demanded. “Are you backing out?”
“No, I—I need my top hat! I can't get married without my top hat!”
“Are you scared, Scar?”
“Of course I'm not scared!” Scar said indignantly. “We’ll do it right now! Who’s marrying us? Oh—Joe’s still respawning, isn’t he? Cub, you can do it, can’t you? Cub’s an ordained priest, you know.”
“That’s right,” Cub said agreeably.
“Is he?” Grian said suspiciously. “Which religion?”
Cub’s faint smile didn’t change at all. “Don’t worry about that.”
“You don’t want to think too hard about it,” Scar said breezily. “But he’s very official! Very well-respected in the community.”
In all their planning, Grian had given no thought at all to the actual wedding. He was nearly certain that the chanting from the officiant was supposed to be pleasant and inoffensive, about, well, love and stuff, and he was also fairly sure the officiant’s eyes were not supposed to turn black as a flaming rift appeared behind him spewing an unknowable sense of dread, but at that point Scar kissed Grian thoroughly, and that lasted so long that Mumbo had to break it up after a few minutes with a polite cough, and by that time Cub had finished chanting and gone back to his crossword.
“That was very touching,” Mumbo said, apparently relieved they weren’t still kissing right in front of him. “Shame about the guests, but you can’t have everything.”
“Shocking,” Scar agreed. “Do they still have to give us presents? Maybe if we waited a week and did it again? I have to say, I could use a little more time to get the trees right on Honeymoon Island.”
“We’re not having a honeymoon, Scar, I told you,” Grian said. “This wedding is just business, and we don’t have any business without the presents.”
Mumbo was wearing the expression that Grian had always vaguely compared to an accountant breaking the bad news about something unspeakable going on in the stockmarket. “To be honest with you,” Mumbo said, “I don’t think many of them were in a present-giving mood. I think, um, you might have to write off the presents.”
“Are you telling me,” Grian said, “that this whole scheme has been a complete failure?”
*
TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 1 (CONTINUED):
Judge Cleo: So, let me get this straight, the plan was to scam all of us—
Scar: Scam is a strong word. More like a trade, if you think about it! A trade where we get presents and you get a warm sense of fuzziness and wellbeing.
Judge Cleo: —exactly, to scam us, and it all went wrong, and you realized the marriage was a mistake? That was weeks ago, though. What happened between that and the divorce?
*
EVIDENCE #7
LIST OF POST-WEDDING WRONGDOING COMMITTED BY GRIAN AND SCAR, VARIOUS (condensed from two hours of court arguments)
i. “Well, then I took some deepslate from Grian because I needed it for Scarland, which is just borrowing, if you think about it.”
ii. “Scar really owed me diamonds because it was his fault the scam didn’t work.”
iii. Lengthy descriptions of the damage from ensuing weeks-long prank war.
iv. “He should honestly have expected me to put chickens in his storage system.”
v. Evidence received from Xisuma that this lagged out the entire server.
vi. Evidence received from Grian that Scarland lags out the entire server anyway and this is probably a crime so why can’t the court do something about that.
vii. Strong representations from both sides that the other one snores and hogs the covers and this probably ought to be a crime.
*
TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 1 (CONTINUED):
Judge Cleo: [face down on judicial bench] Have they stopped talking yet?
Court Scribe JoeHills: No, they’re still going.
*
EVIDENCE #8
FURTHER LIST OF WRONGDOINGS COMMITTED BY GRIAN AND SCAR
viii. “Yes I did blow him up after that, but it’s not illegal if it’s funny.”
ix. Complicated debate about whether ensuing sabotage was funny enough not to be illegal.
x. Representations from Grian that everything is Scar’s fault with absolutely no legal backing at all.
xi. Representations from Scar, ditto, with the addition of fake law he says his cat defense attorney told him.
xii. At this point, Court Scribe JoeHills has given up attempting to make sense of the petitioners’ ongoing argument.
*
TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 1 (CONTINUED):
Judge Cleo: Enough! ENOUGH! No! Shut up! If I have to listen to one more attempt at utterly specious reasoning from either of you I am going to pick up this gavel and I am going to drive its handle through my own skull. This is definitely both your fault, you are terrible people, and I hope you get divorced harder than anyone has ever got divorced in history.
[Mildly stunned silence in the court]
Judge Cleo: Right. Good. I am about to quit. But before I quit, because Joe asked me nicely to come here today, I am going to order one of you to serve the other with divorce papers before tomorrow. That’s the next thing on the list: one of you has to formally divorce the other. No, I am not going to hear any more arguments, I’m done with this whole thing, you can find a new judge. Yes, Scar?
Scar: [lowers his tentatively raised hand] How do we know which one divorces the other one?
Judge Cleo: [looks blank] Well… I suppose it’s who serves their papers first?
*
COMPLAINT TO COURT:
Submitter of complaint: SCAR
Body of complaint: Grian wont accept divorce papers and keeps avoiding me.
COMPLAINT TO COURT:
Submitter of complaint: GRIAN
Body of complaint: scar didn’t take a single copy of the papers despite the fact i filled his bedroom with them
COMPLAINT TO COURT:
Submitter of complaint: SCAR
Body of complaint: Grian paid impulse to make a divorce paper printing redstone machine. It feels like this, should be Illegal!
COMPLAINT TO COURT:
Submitter of complaint: GRIAN
Body of complaint: scar employed my best man to make him a rival printing machine. this is sabotage.
COMPLAINT TO COURT:
Submitter of complaint: ZEDAPH
Body of complaint: Er, I know you’re doing a whole trial thingummy, but I would really like to be able to move around my base without swimming through mountains of divorce papers. Does it look like this is going to be possible any time in the near future?
COMPLAINT TO COURT:
Submitter of complaint: DOCM77
Body of complaint: WHY HAVE SEVENTY THOUSAND BADLY-PRINTED COPIES OF DIVORCE PAPERS BEEN SHOVELED INTO THE PERIMETER! I AM HOLDING ALL OF YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE! I WILL RAIN DOWN FIRE AND BLOOD!
*
TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 2:
Judge Mumbo: Right, so, apparently I’m supposed to be ruling on who served who with papers.
Scar: Excuse me! Objection! This new judge is clearly biased.
Grian: No, he’s not. This is all completely fine. Mumbo can be the judge now, and he can just wear a different hat when he’s being my lawyer.
Judge Mumbo: I am a bit biased, I have to admit.
Grian: No you’re not, Mumbo.
Scar: Admit it, there can’t be a fair trial for Grian under these circumstances!
Judge Mumbo: Uh—
Scar: Because I know Mumbo, and he can’t resist these…HoTgUy abs!
[Minor chaos as the court attempts to enforce a dress code]
Judge Mumbo: [removes his wig] Sorry, Grian, he’s right. Scar’s papers are accepted.
Grian: TRAITOR.
Mumbo: Scar, can I have another calendar?
*
TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 3:
Judge Ren: Court is called to order! Where’s—oh, there you are. Scar, you’re late.
Scar: Sorry! I was working on our honeymoon island.
Grian: What do you mean, our honeymoon island? Scar, we’re divorcing.
Scar: That doesn't mean you can just abandon a build, Grian. Some of us don't leave our backsides unfinished.
Cleo: Someone please get Ren a glass of water, I think he’s going to choke.
Judge Ren: Ahem. Now, gentlemen, I understand Scar is filing for divorce from Grian on the grounds of [checks his notes] desertion, abandonment, and unreasonable behavior.
Grian: Excuse me, what! If I’ve been unreasonable, what about him?
Scar: I have been a model of rationality and recti— rectic— ridiclitude.
Judge Ren: Indeed. I have heard Scar always finishes his backsides.
Grian: I’ll give you unreasonable behavior! This whole thing is your fault! If your bachelor party hadn’t been so badly defended I wouldn’t have been able to blow you all up.
Scar: Well, mister, if you hadn’t overthrown Ren in the first place he might have shown up to our wedding in spite of it!
Grian: If you’d been better at your job I wouldn’t have been ABLE to overthrow him!
Scar: You—you—oooh, I oughta—
Grian: [tauntingly] Ought to what?
Judge Ren: Scar, no, not in court…!
Scar: HOTGUY! [Retrieves bow from improbably small pocket and summarily murders his co-petitioner on the witness. Chaos ensues. Trial name hastily changed.]
TRANSCRIPT OF TRIAL PROCEEDINGS FOR THIRD-DEGREE MURDER, DAY 1:
Judge Ren: Listen, Scar, did you, or did you not, kill another petitioner right in front of me?
Scar: What? Oh, yeah, I just shot Grian.
Judge Ren: You can’t just—My dude, this might have been a crime of passion, but you understand this is a court and that was murder, right?
Cleo: Objection.
Judge Ren: Yes?
Cleo: We can’t start prosecuting for murder now.
[Pause as the court considers the comprehensive history of all Hermits present.]
TRANSCRIPT OF TRIAL PROCEEDINGS FOR THIRD-DEGREE MURDER, DAY 1
TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 3:
Judge Ren: [once Grian has returned from spawn] You’re going to have to come to some sort of agreement, gentlemen. It’s been days.
Grian: I think we should fight.
Judge Ren: This court does not do trial by combat. I refuse to be witness to such barbarity.
Cleo: I mean…if you think about it, it would stop them arguing.
Judge Ren: …
Judge Ren: I think I could stand to watch someone else compromise their morals. From a distance. Who wants this wig?
Judge Pearl: [settling in at the bench] Right! I think you two should fight. To the death.
Grian: LET’S FIGHT.
Judge Pearl: Riding ravagers.
Scar: What?
Judge Pearl: It would be funny.
Scar: Ravagers, though—
Grian: Don’t listen to Scar, he just murdered me. He doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
Scar: Alright! Alright, we can fight, but I’m only doing it if it’s somewhere dramatic.
Grian: …What do you mean, dramatic?
*
TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 3 (CONTINUED):
[The court has moved proceedings from its custom-built courthouse to a location considered ‘acceptably dramatic’ by Petitioner Scar. We are now in the dim, cavernous monolith of the Royal Vault, where the walls are sheer deepslate lit only by flickering lanterns, and mountains of diamonds and chests gleam softly in the shadowed gloom. The court is gathered here to watch the petitioners fight symbolically over their own escrowed valuables, which are piled in the middle of a stone platform built by Grian and Pearl, and see a final conclusion to this bitterly-fought split. At either end of the platform are pens with two enraged ravagers donated by Tango, salivating at the buffet of violence and blood about to—]
Judge Pearl: [leans over the edge of her observation chair] Joe! What are you doing down there scribbling?
Court Scribe JoeHills: Oh, I’m just adding narrative color.
Judge Pearl: Well, stop doing that and pay attention to the fight! We’re about to start!
Bdubs: FIGHT!
Cub: Let’s go!
Mumbo: Grian, mate, you’ve got this.
Bdubs: RUN HIM THROUGH, SCAR. TEACH HIM TO MAKE FUN OF MY WEDDING DECORATIONS.
Doc: What happens if they both die? I would like them both to die.
Judge Pearl: Contestants! Mount your steeds!
Grian: [has succeeded in landing on his ravager’s back, something Scar has not yet managed] I want you to know, Scar, that whatever happens—
Judge Pearl: Scar! You can’t just stand there, you have to TRY to ride it.
Grian: —I think we can count this as a—
Bdubs: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Scar: [his head comes up to look at Grian] —a double victory?
[As if this is a code word, Grian and Scar’s gazes meet. The Court Scribe feels obliged to note that when Grian and Scar smile at the same time, history suggests something terrible is about to happen.]
Scar: Well, hello there, Mister Ravager! Would you like to get out of that pen?
Bdubs: Wait, what’s he—Scar, you ain’t supposed to break the wall that lets them at us! SABOTAGE!
Judge Pearl: GRIAN!
Grian: [shrieking as his ravager swerves into the crowd of spectators] Scar! The switch!
[Your trusty Court Scribe hurriedly dives out of the way as Scar flings himself into the pile of his and Grian’s valuables, where the tell-tale glint of redstone has been hidden under the piles of chests.]
Ren: Why do both of them have all those empty shulkers?
Cleo: Wait, wait, did we just give Grian and Scar unfettered access to all the diamonds in the vault?
Judge Pearl: WATCH OUT, THEY’VE HIDDEN TNT UNDER THE—
[Scar slams a switch. The world explodes. The Judge and most spectators are instantly blown up. The only survivors are your Court Scribe, who managed to get behind an obsidian pillar, and Cub, rising above the chaos on pre-equipped elytra wings with the philosophical serenity of someone who saw this coming.]
*
POSTSCRIPT
It’s a beautiful day, the sky is a clear and serene blue, and Grian and Scar have gotten away with everything.
Grian coasts joyfully ahead of Scar on outstretched wings, loaded down with boxes and boxes of ill-gotten diamonds, looping head-over-heels only when he can’t contain the energy bubbling through him. “We are the greatest, Scar. We are geniuses. We are the greatest geniuses who ever lived.”
“Oh, we are,” Scar agrees instantly. A lesser person might have pointed out their first plan failed spectacularly and their hasty second one only succeeded by luck, but this is why Grian married Scar specifically. Only he’s not married to Scar any more, is he? For one shining moment Grian had forgotten that.
The crater of the Royal Vault is far below and receding, the debris scattered like little jeweled toys. Grian is recalled to the present gleeful moment in which they are geniuses who have pulled the whole thing off and are richer than every other hermit put together. “Where are we going?”
“I was following you,” Scar says.
“I didn’t think this far ahead! I only planned up to the part where we stole everyone’s diamonds!”
“Oh, well, that’s easy,” Scar says confidently. “Change course to Honeymoon Island!”
Grian doesn’t have a good argument against that, and anyway, he’s too happy and diamond-dazzled to argue. Scar strikes out to the azure ocean and Grian dips into his wake and soars behind.
Scar has outdone himself, as usual. Honeymoon Island is just one long crescent-shaped beach with crystal seas, golden sands, palm trees, deck chairs, and—somehow—little iced coconut drinks that keep reappearing and each have a little paper umbrella. Naturally, Scar hasn’t thought of including a safe room for all their new valuables, so Grian has to dig out a makeshift bunker for all their ill-gotten gains, but when all that excitement is done, Grian throws himself onto a deckchair with a coconut drink and closes his eyes.
“So?” Scar says, in the expectant tone of someone who has spent three weeks fiddling with the palm trees that are currently casting an exquisitely-latticed shade over Grian’s eyelids, despite the fact they were technically divorcing all that time. “What do you think?”
“It is very pretty,” Grian admits grudgingly. “We can’t use it for a honeymoon, though. We’re divorced.”
“Are we divorced?” Scar is thoughtfully making origami out of his paper umbrella. “We did ditch them all before the trial officially finished.”
“Oh, we’re absolutely divorced. Super divorced.”
“I suppose you’re right. No honeymoon for us, then?”
An idyllic silence falls over the palm-fringed beach. The sea laps at the shining sands, creating a soft music from the shells and pebbles. The leaves rustle. This coconut drink in Grian’s hand is surprisingly good.
“Scar—”
“Hey, Grian—”
There is a pause.
“Go on,” Grian says impatiently.
“No, no, I think you should ask.”
“I asked last time!” This is ridiculous. It’s a shame Grian has been enchanted by the ridiculous for years now. “We’re probably not even talking about the same—”
Scar interrupts, which is rude, but unfortunately he’s picked his most golden and unfair voice, like the sea caressing the sand, and Grian is momentarily helpless. “Will you, Grian,” Scar says, “do me the great honor of marrying me? Again?”
Grian throws a paper umbrella at him. “Scar,” he says, “I thought you’d never ask.”
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