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fmdtaeyongarchive · 4 years

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hello, this is a quick and overdue update post on ash! you don’t necessarily need to read it, especially if our muses don’t/won’t interact often, but there’s some plot bunnies littered here and there too, so idk hit me up if something speaks to you (but i’m pretty behind on messages again sorry), even if we already have a thread going/are in the middle of plotting/haven’t plotted yet.

i think i’ll post a plot call including some shared home and schedule stuff soon, but don’t let that stop you if you have an idea now! this also includes some too in-depth explanation of Why ash is The Way He Is lately if that’s of interest to you

professionally

ash’s main solo work focuses currently continue to be solo/collab music, endorsements and cfs, and writing/composing/producing for others. those are pretty much the general career areas he’s getting pushed in at any given time and has been for a while now, though he’s been able to expand more with writing/composing/producing for others lately.

ash is extremely overworked lately. it’s going to catch up to him, but for now he’s pushing through.

he finished his solo fanmeeting tour a little bit ago and is relieved that it’s over since it was pretty emotionally exhausting as any fan interaction is for him, and all the travel wasn’t too good for him either

he’s working on parts of songs for some people, which is one of the things he’s doing he actually doesn’t mind (and he’s open to do more for more people as always <3)

i wound up needing to rework some of my plans for ash’s music going forward, but in general, he’ll have a continued power struggle between what management wants and what he wants. management wants something sexier, ash wants to be an angsty emo boi. ultimately, i think ash’s angsty emo boi will show itself to be more profitable musically, with management trying to add a sexy side to that because the whole ~sexy~ thing is better to build a marketable cf/brand niche off of than sad and angsty is. it leans a bit into the Bad Boy w/ a Heart of Gold image they had to give him after his dating scandals too

the calvin klein brand deal in particular really solidified the push for a sexier and more mature image, so that’ll be pushed through some future claims (mainly crs/endorsements) that are still in the works.

as of right now, the plan is for his next albums and some portal singles to come from an angrier/more self-loathing place (especially in regards to his romantic relationships) than his previous albums (with untitled, 2014 he got rewarded for those feelings and well... it has long term effects lmao) which is going to put him through a lot personally for the next several months.

he’s not ~officially~ working on them yet since fatalism promos just ended, but the current plan (which has changed way too much recently i am sorry to anyone affected by my indecisiveness but hopefully this one sticks) is for him to release two mini-albums in 2020, one in early june and one in late december, that serve as sort of a part 1 and part 2 in a ~duology~. as i’ve explained to some people, one is basically h*rny-emo and the other is just straight emo

it’s been nearly two years since he had a major scandal (his laziness/attitude scandal) so he gets more positive comments on his articles nowadays, but that’s a lot of pressure for someone who got used to constant hate and he feels like he’s due for a new scandal any day now, which he’s found is almost worse than when he was in the midst of scandal after scandal.

personally

in his personal life, he’s Super (s?)Tired, Single, and Sad

the exhaustion is a big factor in both is professional and personal life. he’s Tired. that’s his dominant emotion right now and seeing as it’s beginning to affect his physical health on top of his mental health, it’s hard for him to ignore.

it’s possible your muse hasn’t heard from him lately if they’re not super close. he spends all of his “free” time in his home studio and sleeps in there when he’s able to fall asleep as well. it’s genuinely concerning and if anyone wants their muse to yell at him and tell him to take better care of himself, feel free. i can’t promise he’ll listen.

likewise, if your muse wants to get mad at him because he's ignoring them, destroy him, thanks.

he’s single after ending a really serious relationship so he told himself he was going to focus only on work now... for like five seconds. it didn’t last. big surprise there. did he initiate the break up? yes. has he taken it as proof he’s unlovable anyway? also yes.

i’ll shove most of ash’s Love Angst explanation into this bullet point... around his scandal in 2016 and with the subsequent worst mental health of his life, he found his coping mechanism was throwing himself into constant relationships and/or jumping from one love to the next to essentially try to justify his existence and for three and a half years, he relied on that instead of addressing all of the toxic mindsets he has toward himself. now that he‘s single and planning to stay that way (a choice made as a result of a lot of those toxic mindsets, actually, though he tries to paint it as putting his mental health first), he’s realized it’s a lot harder to lose himself in someone else to repress everything if he’s also fending off love. as a result, he’s seeking out intimacy from people he’s already been close to in order to try to fill that hole (the one the problems he actually needs to address are at the bottom of, so he doesn’t come face to face with them), all without having to risk heartbreak

for similar reasons, he’s also been way more impulsive lately. if he wasn’t so utterly exhausted, he would have done some really stupid shit by now.

so if your muse wants to do impulsive shit, he might be a good bad influence

honestly, he’s really been trying to find himself lately and it’s hard because he’s realizing just how much himself is impossible to be for as long as he’s an idol

he’s kind of already wanting to sell his apartment and downsize because he feels so lonely at home, but he won’t do it yet since he hasn’t even had it a year and trying to sell a home is just more work for him. he could very well end up doing it in the new year, but tbh he’d really prefer to live in a studio apartment but he needs an extra room to use as a music studio so he’s not willing to sacrifice his studio just to possibly feel less lonely :/

his birthday is next month on the 24th if anyone wants to spend it with him!! he’s turning 24 so... we love a golden birthday! he’s spent the last two birthdays completely alone and depressed (last year he was overseas with just his manager for a solo photo shoot and the year before that knight had a concert in japan) so it would be nice if he didn’t have to do that again this year

yeah that’s it for now ig... plot call post and minju update post coming... some time

#&& there's nobody home | ooc #jk's hair n his tattoos n his nose n his purple microphone 🥺#&& queued

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zak-bagans-gac-imagines · 5 years

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Return To Hogwarts - Chapter One

Lizzie had been doing paranormal investigations with the Ghost Adventures crew for sixth months. Recently she decided to leave the Men of Letters Bunker, and her two friends, Sam and Dean, and travel with Zak Bagans and the crew instead.

Lizzie was also in a committed yet private relationship with Zak. The only ones who knew they were together were Aaron, Billy, and Jay, their fellow investigators, and Lizzie had recently moved in with Zak.

One day, Lizzie was sitting on the couch, reading a book, Zak’s border collie Gracie was lying next to her, as Lizzie held her book in one hand and was scratching Gracie’s ear with the other. A moment later Zak came in, carrying an armful of mail.

“Hey, babe,” said Lizzie, as Zak walked over and kissed her. “Hey, sweetie,” he said, rifling through the mail.

A moment later, Zak handed Lizzie an envelope addressed in green ink, and sealed with purple wax. “Um, here’s something for you, it looks like it’s from Hogwarts,”

Lizzie’s face darkened. Ever since she was raped at the tender age of sixteen, the school had done nothing to help her, and spend an ungodly amount of time protecting her attacker rather than her.

Zak knew that his girlfriend had been assaulted, but he only knew a very minute amount of information, short of re-traumatizing his new girlfriend.

“Burn it,” said Lizzie bitterly. “It’s marked ‘urgent’” said Zak.

Lizzie sighed as she stopped scratching Gracie’s ear and took the envelope. Gracie whined as she lifted her head as Lizzie tore the envelope and unfolded the parchment.

Dear Miss Blaszczak

I wasn’t certain who to inform, but after hearing that you were traveling with the Ghost Adventures Crew and remembering your history with them, I knew I had to send you this.

As I am sure you are aware, during the Battle of Hogwarts that eventually led to the fall of Lord Voldemort, there were tragically a large number of casualties. Not long after the renovation of the castle was completed, many students in all four Houses, and ages have reported paranormal activity around the castle. Everything from phantom footsteps to voices, to apparitions, people getting touched - you name it.

In addition to the renovation itself, we have made changes to accommodate Muggle technology. You will be able to use your cameras and digital devices without any issues. We have also recently added Wifi.

We also have created our own social network for students. I will give you the IP address should you need it for your investigation

Many students are terrified while others are intrigued. It would be very appreciated if you and the Crew could return to Hogwarts for a second investigation, and perhaps do a guest lecture.

Please return this letter at your earliest convenience

Yours Sincerely,

Professor Minerva McGonagall

Headmistress

Lizzie stared at the letter for a very long moment. “Everything okay?” Asked Zak. Lizzie handed Zak the letter. “Oh,” he said, reading it. “She - wants me to return to Hogwarts,” said Lizzie. “And you don’t want to?” Asked Zak

“I don’t know,” said Lizzie. “This is about what Cormac did isn’t it?” Asked Zak. Lizzie said nothing, but nodded.

Zak reached over and gently held Lizzie’s hand in his own and kissed it tenderly. “I know you’ve been through a lot, and I understand your resentment towards the school, but wouldn’t it be possible for you to put your emotions aside?” Lizzie said nothing.

The prospect of putting the trauma of being raped by a fellow student, and the school failing to protect her, behind her, was a very daunting and emotionally difficult thing for Zak to ask of her.

“Think of it like this,” said Zak. “Maybe Professor McGonagall is feeling guilty over not protecting you, and by asking you to come back, she’s asking for you to forgive her?” “I - I’d never thought of it like that,” said Lizzie. “Mm-hmm,” said Zak.

There was a very long moment of silence between the two paranormal investigators, only the sound of Gracie whining every now and then could be heard. After what seemed like forever, Lizzie finally sighed heavily, stood up from the couch and began to walk out of the room

“Where are you going?” Asked Zak. “To go pack my trunk,” said Lizzie. “Better call Aaron, Billy and Jay, tell them what’s up.” Zak nodded as Lizzie left the room.

Lizzie ascended the stairs of the house that she had moved into less than a year previously. Despite knowing Zak ever since she was sixteen - still a student at Hogwarts - they had maintained nothing more than a strong friendship for close to eleven years.

When Lizzie first met Zak she was in her sixth year at Hogwarts, thinking about how she was going to pass her N.E.W.Ts (or Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests), and looking forward to graduation. She had plans to attend college after leaving Hogwarts. By this point in her magical education, Lizzie had become quite the popular and promising student. She had a part time job at the popular pub the Three Broomsticks in the village of Hogsmeade, a large circle of friends, got near perfect grades, and her passion for riding horses had reignited after a tragic accident in her fourth year resulted in the death of her beloved horse, Raven, and she was appointed Captain of the Gryffindor equestrian team.

It all came to a screeching halt after she rejected the advances of a fellow Gryffindor Cormac McLaggen who had been runner up for Keeper during the Gryffindor Quidditch tryouts. Unable to handle this scalding rejection from Lizzie, Cormac set out on a brutal campaign to destroy Lizzie’s reputation, which culminated in one of the most emotionally traumatic events of Lizzie’s life.

Cormac and five of his friends had gang raped, and tortured Lizzie for over eight hours in the Gryffindor common room, branding her with cigarettes, forcing alcohol down her throat (though Lizzie almost never drank), and made her believe that she was going to die.

Lizzie was lucky to escape with her life, and though she had not passed her Apparition test, she packed her trunk, and Apparated out of the castle, out of Hogwarts, and out of England.

She ended up in Las Vegas, Nevada where she wandered the busy city strip for an hour before she finally ended up at Zak’s place.

It took a lot of coaxing, but after a gentle talking to, and a cup of good old English tea in her hands, Lizzie finally began to recall the horrifying details of her ordeal that she was lucky to survive from.

Zak then took Lizzie to the hospital where she was photographed and examined by doctors and nurses

As Lizzie began to pack her things in her old school trunk which had the initials E.S.B stamped on it in peeling letters, it was as if every item inside the dusty trunk, held some kind of memory: the scarlet with a gold jumping horse Capitan’s badge she used to wear when she was on the Gryffindor equestrian team, that after so many years, had become tarnished, and battered with age, the fake Horcrux locket that had taken place of the real one, An old photo album full of moving photographs of her and Raven, A torn letter from Oxford University offering Lizzie a full ride scholarship upon her graduation from Hogwarts, which was later revoked after stress from Cormac’s relentless harassment caused her grades to founder.

Her old school robes which were now three sizes too small, and had become frayed, Her team show coat, with the embroidered Gryffindor lion on the right side, faded and beginning to peel from the fabric, several gold buttons on the front and back of the coat were missing; a rolled up, tattered poster of the Ghost Adventures Crew that Zak had personally signed, A dusty copy of Training the Three-Day Horse and Rider, given to her by Professor Lupin during the early days of her equestrian career, and many other knick-knacks that had personal or sentimental value.

It seemed silly for Lizzie to keep everything, and she certainly wasn’t the hoarding type of person, but everything in her trunk had ties to when she was happy at Hogwarts, long before she met Cormac. She may not have actually been killed that night, but as she put it, “My life ended the day I met Cormac. He didn’t kill me, but he might as well have,”

As Lizzie continued to sort through her belongings, she came across a folded piece of paper. Upon reading its contents, Lizzie remembered it was an obituary that she had cut from the Daily Prophet, for her old Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, who sadly passed away just after Lizzie dropped out of Hogwarts.

Lizzie had mixed feelings about Dumbledore. She thought he was a great person, but she did feel resentful, because when she went to him begging for protection against Cormac, Dumbledore turned her away, and never once took what she said seriously.

Now, as Lizzie re-read the obituary in her hands, she felt a large lump in her throat and her chest constrict. This whole time, she thought he had known Dumbledore relatively well, not a well as her best friend, Harry Potter did, certainly, but well enough. Now she had to come to the rather excruciating realization that she didn’t know the man at all. And this broke her heart.

Lizzie gazed over at her bedside table to her iPhone which was charging on the table. It had been many years since she and Harry had spoken. In fact, the last time they saw each other, was during the Battle at Hogwarts which led to the downfall of Lord Voldemort. They had promised each other that they would stay in touch, and they had, exchanging a handful of letters back and forward, but they hadn’t talked face to face for nearly ten years.

Harry had to be in his late twenties now, like Lizzie, and must have a family of his own, surely. She had received an invitation to his and Ginny Weasley’s wedding, and to their delight, Lizzie attended. It was a beautiful ceremony. She had also attended Hermione and Ron’s wedding as well.

Although happy for her friends, Lizzie couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit of jealousy that she hadn’t taken the plunge herself. She had only been dating Zak for a few months, and he had given her a fair warning that the women in his life never stuck around due to the fact that Zak had more than one spirit attachment.

Though fifteen years his senior, Lizzie and Zak were closer than ever before. When they had first met, Lizzie had been nothing more than a fan of Zak’s. It seemed too good to be true that he would eventually want her to be his girlfriend.

Lizzie thought about this as she stared at her phone. She had Harry’s phone number, which they had exchanged after the Battle. She had Ron, and Hermione’s too. One phone call couldn’t hurt, Lizzie thought as she sat down on her bed, opened her phone with a special six-digit password, opened her contacts, and found Harry’s number. She touched it and held the phone to her ear.

The phone rang twice before a male voice answered. “Hello?” “Hi, Harry, it’s Lizzie,” said Lizzie. “Lizzie! Blimey! It’s been a while!” Said Harry. “Yeah, tell me about it, sorry it’s been so long, I’ve been - er - busy,” “Let me guess,” said Harry. “Investigating the paranormal? Locking yourself in haunted locations overnight?”

Lizzie smiled. “Yeah,” she said. “Professor McGonagall just sent me a letter. She wants me to investigate Hogwarts with Zak and the guys.” Harry sighed with amusement though Lizzie wasn’t fooled. Harry had been a skeptic when it came to ghosts and the paranormal for as long as they had been friends.

When Lizzie confided in Harry that she could see and talk to spirits, he said she was mad. Though Lizzie was not the type of person to make up stories for the sole purpose of getting attention, there was no persuading her friend. Hermione gave a similar reaction, and Ron however was immensely intrigued.

“Harry, I don’t know, I told Zak I’d go, but…” “You’re having second thoughts?” Asked Harry. Lizzie sighed. “Yeah,” she said. “I don’t know, there’s just something weird about going. The last time I was there - sorry - the last time we were there….” Her voice died in her throat, but Harry seemed to get it.

“But it’s not just that is it?” Asked Harry. This was really a testament as to how much of a bond Harry had with Lizzie. When they were at Hogwarts together, Harry had this uncanny ability to tell when Lizzie was holding back her feelings or when she was lying about something. Perhaps it was in her facial expressions that gave her away, and if it was, Lizzie never noticed, but somehow Harry still could tell when she wasn’t being entirely truthful.

“It’s about what Cormac did to you isn’t it?” Asked Harry. Lizzie was quiet on the other line. “You know you could always ask for an apology,” “Sorry doesn’t pay the bills, Harry,” said Lizzie, her voice bitter and full of icy resentment. “And it sure as hell doesn’t undo what that bastard and his friends did to me. D-do you know that I can’t have children because of what he did?’

“I didn’t know that. I’m so sorry, Lizzie,” said Harry, his tone was quiet, gentle and full of sympathy. “But I get it, you’re still angry that no one helped you.” “And it’s not like I never asked!” Said Lizzie. “I went to Dumbledore so many times! I begged for him to help me!” “I know you did, Liz,” said Harry gently.

“But on a side note, I got a new horse,” said Lizzie, changing the subject abruptly. “Did you?” Asked Harry. “What’s his name?” “Her name,” said Lizzie. “Is Midnight,” “A mare?” Asked Harry laughing. “You got a mare?” “Why so surprised?” Asked Lizzie, smiling. “I don’t know,’’ said Harry. “It’s just - when we were at Hogwarts you always seemed to gravitate towards the male school horses. Is she - hard to handle? I mean does she give you attitude sometimes?” “Yeah, she really decided to play up just the other day,” said Lizzie. “But?” asked Harry. “Ehh, I was able to get her under control,” said Lizzie.

“I think at the end of the day, she has a hard time coping with her own trauma.” “Was Midnight abused?” Asked Harry, sounding worried. “Oh, my gosh! Yes! Horribly!” Said Lizzie. “Her mouth was all torn up when I first met her because her previous owner used to wrap barbed wire around the bit, and force it into her mouth. He called it ‘training”’ said Lizzie bitterly.

Harry sighed. “Well, now she has you,” he said. “Yep, and she’s doing so much better,” said Lizzie. “Good,” said Harry. Lizzie heard a knock on the door as she looked up and saw Zak standing in the doorway. “Um, I gotta go, I’ll call you later, before we get on the train,”

“Okay,” said Harry. “And Lizzie?” “Yeah?” Asked Lizzie. “I love you, you know that right?” Lizzie smiled. “I love you too,” she said as she hung up the phone.

“Harry?” Asked Zak. “Mm-hmm,’’ said Lizzie. Zak walked into the room, and sat on the bed next to Lizzie and kissed her on the cheek. “Nearly done packing?” Asked Zak. “Halfway,” said Lizzie.

Zak reached into Lizzie’s still open trunk, took out a bundle wrapped in a silk scarf, and unwrapped it.

Into his hand fell a single steel horseshoe. But there was also something wrapped in plastic inside the silk scarf as well. Zak felt inside the silky bundle and pulled out a tiny plastic bag, which inside contained a single lock of jet black hair. Zak could tell immediately that the hair inside the bag was horse hair. And he didn’t have to ask Lizzie who the shoe or the hair belonged to.

“Hagrid gave that to me after Raven died,” said Lizzie. “He knew how much Raven meant to me,” Zak smiled.

“I called, Aaron, Billy and Jay, and they agreed to come to Hogwarts. Dakota’s agreed to come too, but I can’t think for the life of me how we plan on getting there,” said Zak. “What do you mean?” Asked Lizzie. “I don’t - fly anymore,” said Zak. “Oh, no worries!” Said Lizzie. “We’ll Apparate to Kings Cross in London, then, we can take the Hogwarts Express from there!” Said Lizzie.

“Okay, I guess,” said Zak.

They continued to clean out Lizzie’s trunk sorting out the rubbish, the sentimental trinkets, and the robes that they could donate to secondhand shops in Diagon Alley. After she finished cleaning out her trunk, she began to pack it full of things she planned on taking with her.

She included two pairs of riding breeches, her tall riding boots and gloves and her Charles Owen riding helmet. Then she packed her casual clothes, her wand, and the equipment she would be using during their investigation. She even took some of her old spell books (the ones that were still in good condition), and even texted Hermione asking her how to make Essence of Dittany, and other potions that could come in handy whilst on their trip. She also took her 357 handgun just in case.

Just as they were finishing up, Zak heard a tap, tap, tap! noise on the window and was surprised to see a large barn owl clutching a yellow envelope in its talons.

Lizzie scrambled to her feet, and opened the window, removed the screen, and the owl hopped onto the sill, as Lizzie carefully took the package from the owl, as it ruffled its feathers, turned and took flight. Even after all these years, Lizzie still continued to receive mail by ‘owl post’.

A quick look at the return address told her it was from Harry. Lizzie tore the envelope and inside was a piece of parchment folded intricately in different directions, yet it appeared to be blank. There was a note there too.

Lizzie,

I duplicated the Marauder’s Map, and sent you a copy. I thought you may find it useful during your investigation. You remember how to use it, but you may need to teach Zak. Just remember to tell him how to wipe it clean so no one can read it.

Much love and luck

Harry.

Lizzie smiled with excitement. “Is that from Harry?” Asked Zak. “Yeah, he sent me a copy of the Marauder’s Map,” said Lizzie. “What’s that?” Asked Zak. “A magical map of Hogwarts,” said Lizzie. “It belongs to Harry, but he duplicated it for me so we could use it during our investigation.”

“How does it work?” Asked Zak. “Looks like a blank piece of paper.”

Lizzie smiled as she picked up her wand from her bedside table, and tapped the parchment with it. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” said Lizzie clearly. Ink lines snaked across the parchment, forming words, and lines. After a moment the surface of the parchment that had been blank only moments ago, now bore the words:

Messers Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, are proud to present

The Marauder’s Map.

Zak’s blue eyes widened in awe, as Lizzie unfolded the parchment, showing the inside of the map. It looked a lot like interior plans for a house. And there were moving footprints in countless areas of the map, each marked with a name, and moving in various directions.

“Holy shit!” Zak gasped. Lizzie smiled. “Mm-hmm,” she said. “And…This is Hogwarts?” Asked Zak. “Yep!” Said Lizzie, feeling a strong sense of pride and satisfaction at her boyfriend’s awed look. “Every square inch of it!” “That’s awesome!” Said Zak. “Right?” Asked Lizzie, giggling. “I reckon we can map our our x cameras on here,” “Lizzie,” said Zak, holding Lizzie’s face in his hands, and kissing her. “You’re a genius,”

Lizzie smiled. “I do have to make a few stops before we go to Kings Cross to catch the train,” “Where to?” Asked Zak. “I want to stop in Diagon Alley, to a secondhand robes shop, and donate my old school robes, and Gringotts, to get some money out of my account,’’ said Lizzie.

“Ah,” said Zak. Lizzie tapped the Marauder’s Map with her wand again. “Mischief Managed,” she said, tapping the map, and it was instantly erased, looking blank once more.

#my fanfiction #Ghost Adventures #crossover fanfiction #Harry Potter crossover

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sachi-pon · 6 years

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free! dive to the future episode 6 liveblog/review thing

HEEEYYYY WHAT'S THIS?!?! I ACTUALLY DID MY LIVEBLOG ON TIME?!?!? yes, i actually did it!! i squeezed this into my schedule. also, i wrote a lot this time for my thoughts after the end of the episode. i wrote an essay!! so, um, please read??? well, i really want someone to read it!! ;__; i kept rambling because i was imagining myself lying down on a couch talking to a psychiatrist about all of my complicated emotional issues THAT WERE CAUSED BY THIS EPISODE. o__O *eyes twitch*

my previous liveblogs: (episode 1) (episode 2) (episode 3) (episode 4) (episode 5)

see this episode here!! http://www.crunchyroll.com/free-iwatobi-swim-club/episode-6-the-mermaid-of-the-abyss-775637

***

the first thing i see is a VERY REALISTIC image of a telephone pole. o__o what do you mean it's not a photo?!?!?!?

wow, that girl is impatient. XD

he has been making that sandcastle the whole day and all he can come up with is just a big lump??? maybe if you had better sandcastle-making skills, other kids would want to be friends with you.

he read "the little mermaid" for a reason... is he reading about himself?!?!? he's a merman????

awwwww ikuya is precious ;__;

THAT YODEL!!!!! MY GOODNESS!!!! IT WAS PERFECT!!!! he needs to make an album immediately!!! XDDDDD

"haru really is gone." well i'm sorry he didn't follow you to america to continue his lifeguard career???? lol

i feel like ikuya's constant thinking "i need to be stronger" and "i can't become weak" is actually making him weaker somehow. o__o

"what can i do for him???" you have to stop and realize that you can't fix everything, hiyori.

i love how he clearly heard ikuya speak japanese and he responded in english! kawaii desu!! XD

"we've met somewhere before, huh?" wait, you guys forgot about it?? -__-

abrupt scene change... o__O

"there is one book i like." HMM, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS.

yes, ikuya, it's girly. just admit it. XD

"what can i do for ikuya?" i just told you, you can't always fix everything. just because you saved ikuya before, you think you always have to be the one to "save" him from everything? but that's not realistic. you can't control everything, so you shouldn't feel like it's always your job to save ikuya.

...aaand i'm talking to a fictional character. moving on!!

HOW ARE THEY JUST HAPPENING TO ALSO READ THE LITTLE MERMAID TOO?!?!?!? i guess everyone in this area has a little mermaid obsession. okay, now i seriously want to go watch the little mermaid movie. that was not a joke. i actually feel like i want to watch it sooner or later. free! gave me the idea!!! <3

HOW IS THAT MOM JUST HAPPENING TO DESCRIBE HIYORI'S SITUATION?!?!?!?!? what the... is she psychic?? i am scared of her now. what other powers does she have?!?!?!

oh man, hiyori now has that classic look where you can't see his eyes through his glasses. that is never a good sign... lol

makoto's swimsuit <333333 i love it so much. when i think about makoto in that swimsuit, i feel like all is right with the world. i can breathe easy. i can go to sleep happy. i know that there is peace and hope in the universe.

MAKOTO'S LITTLE BLUSH!!!! <3 did you see that?!? did you all see that? he is such an angel!!!! ^___^

"what's ikuya up too? have you kept in touch with him?" OH NO, you done went there. you done went and asked the question. you done messed up, my friend.

**** AWKWARD SILENCE ****

makoto is trying to explain everything but it's not working ^__^UUU

"it's my fault." OMGGGG HARUUUUU NOOOO. STOP. NOOOOO. i'm done. i'm dead. his little quiet voice broke my heart. he feels SO guilty about all this!!! i want to give you a hug, my precious baby. <33333

oh now he's telling nao about the "suffering" thing. i thought i was already dead but now i have died again. this show is TOO PAINFUL!!!! .>___<.

"makoto and i haven't suffered at all!!" don't say that!!! the writers of this show will hear you say that and they will try to think of a way to make you guys suffer!!! that's how writers are. writers like to brainstorm ways to make our characters suffer. it's what we do. XD

having watched ikuya throughout this whole season so far, he seems to be feeling worse and worse, to be honest. =(

haha, ikuya is so clueless. um, hiyori is talking about YOU, dude!!!

haru doesn't even want to eat mackerel?!?! WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE IS THE REAL HARU??????

oh it's that shady guy again. i forget about him all the time!!!

*pauses to read all the crunchyroll subtitles for Shady Guy's blog*

haru is COMPLETELY COOL while the shady villain guy talks right into his ear. XDDDD

#cafeteriasoba #hidakauniversity #tanukisoba #sobarules

ryuuji??? he has a name? but i don't want him to have a name. i want him to continue being Shady Evil Villain Guy.

WHO IS HE?????????? now i want to know!!! >=(

i'm pretty sure you made up all those provers but whatever

wait, what?!? wait!!! what just... they are all talking about ryuuji?!?!

"he suddenly quit swimming competitively." why? i bet the reason is something bad...

haru has his excited face on, i see.

"he probably missed your calls because he's busy focusing on the next competition." sure, okay, i believe you... you've been 100% honest all the time, of course!!

hmmmmmm okay i can kinda see one reason why hiyori feels such a strong need to "fix" ikuya. natsuya has assigned that job to him!!

haru's been thinking about why he only swims freestyle... uhhh you're just now thinking about that after how many seasons/episodes??? lol

i love how makoto and haru act like this kid is a genius who just revealed a brilliant scientific discovery

*mysterious person appears* wait who is that???

i knew that wishing star thing would come back eventually. (well, duh)

"even if i sink, no one's going to save me anymore." he's talking about swimming? or... his emotions???

i had a feeling someone would start yelling soon. this scene was too quiet!!

"i couldn't become human." ha!!! that proves it. ikuya isn't human. he is a merman. like i have said before, free! is a fantasy anime <3333

hiyori??? i think that ikuya knows how to come down the slide on his own. it's not that difficult. little kids do it all the time. XD

he's on top of him. WELL THIS IS AWKWARD

that scene with their feet looks so weird o__o

"can you just forget about nanase??? i'm way more attractive than he is, so why don't you love me instead????"

ikuya finally gets aggressive toward hiyori!! i felt like that was going to happen!! but wow o___o you guys. just continue being friends already. ;__;

hiyori!!! you just told him to "forget about nanase." it didn't work the first time so obviously it's not going to work the second time!!

"sorry i just assaulted you. whoops"

omg, i want this episode to be over. it's too sad. ;__; *looks at time* uh-oh. there's time for another scene...

looks like Evil Shady Villain (i don't care what his name is) has evil plans for haru with his evil smile!!! haru... you've got to escape!! get away now!!!

that's all!!! now here are my thoughts: i was very emotionally destroyed by this episode because like i said, i noticed that ikuya kept getting worse and worse (not just his swimming times, but his feelings) and then he got into a fight with hiyori at the end. ;___; ;___; ;___; i'm so upset because hiyori is GENUINELY TRYING TO HELP and it's just not working. you saw the flashbacks where hiyori and ikuya's friendship formed. so you can see that ikuya means a lot to hiyori, which is why i said that hiyori is genuinely trying to help. plus, i pointed out that natsuya wants hiyori to watch over ikuya. so that's something that adds to the pressure on hiyori. so i felt so bad for him when first, he tried to invite ikuya to a cafe and he didn't want to go, and then, he tried to tell ikuya "stop thinking about nanase" and ikuya got mad at him for it!! remember, from hiyori's perspective, haru is just a bad person who's causing trouble. so from that perspective, it makes perfect sense that the solution to ikuya’s problem would be to stop thinking about haru. so i think it was surprising for hiyori that ikuya got mad at him. =( remember how earlier in the season, ikuya tended to be agreeable with hiyori? he went along with most things hiyori said/did. that's what hiyori's used to, and so that's why i think it was surprising for hiyori when ikuya got mad. he thought ikuya would just agree with his suggestions as usual.

ikuya actually has a positive view of haru and he does want to keep thinking about him. he is grateful for haru's rescue of him, and he wants to be "strong like haru." at the same time, he's angry at haru. but his true feelings toward haru are actually positive, which is why he rejected hiyori's advice to stop thinking about him. i don't think either of them are listening to each other. hiyori wants to fix ikuya instead of listening to him, and ikuya feels that doing things alone gives him strength, so he's not interested in trying to be fixed by hiyori or anyone else. he just wants to be "strong" on his own. ...it's not going well.

i loved the part where ikuya was on the slide and hiyori was on top of him. XD it was so dramatic. hmm, maybe i am beginning to ship them??? i don't know though, because they really need to work out their problems first. they're not quite at a point where i'm like "YEEAAAHHH I SHIP THEM, HIYORI x IKUYA 4EVER!!!!!!!" they'd be so cute if they weren't... you know... in a pretty damaged relationship right now. ^__^U actually, it's not just about this fight. even before that, their relationship was "off" to me. (not when they were kids. i'm talking about the present day) something about their friendship wasn't quite right. and so i'm not surprised that they ended up fighting.

...still, i'm hoping that they will soon work everything out and have some heartwarming moments!!! <3333

wait, i'm not done yet. i also want to say that it was so painful to me when haru said "it's my fault." there was something so broken in his voice. i could hear it. i think that every person has had situations in their lives where something that someone said or did bothered them and it continued to bother them for a long time even though it shouldn't have. you know that feeling when you can't stop thinking about something even though that thing keeps weighing you down??? it really shouldn't make you so upset, and you should let it go and not let it get to you, but you just can't stop thinking about it because you're taking it too seriously. what haru is going through right now is so relatable.

honestly though, asahi and makoto don't seem to fully grasp how deeply this is hurting haru. asahi said that he and makoto swam with haru and were fine, and makoto agreed, but i was thinking, "haru's not going to instantly feel better just because you guys said that." when you're feeling that bad about something, one quick and simple answer isn't going to fully heal you. i expected makoto to understand how hurt haru is right now, but i'm not sure if he does!! (...which is weird.) the good news is that nao seems to have a plan, i guess. i don't have a clue what he's thinking of doing, but i'm sure that haru and the others will get through to ikuya somehow. right? RIGHT???

#free!#free! dive to the future #anime reviews #anime review #anime liveblog

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kvndeathmusic · 4 years

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THE BEST RECORDS OF THE 2010S PT 2 (THE TOP 10!!!!!!)

if you thought the last post was long, you just wait. ive also decided to actually number this list, but pls keep in mind my opinions change often and drastically so dont think anything is set here.

please read my other post too if you want to know about the records i like a little less than the ones here as well as some honorable mentions

#10: Some Rap Songs - Earl Sweatshirt (2018)

This record is a perfect fusion of rap and lofi hip hop. Nobody makes a beat like Earl, and this record is a perfect example. Earl uses his samples to create layered soundscapes of distorted vocals and sounds, paired with his emotionally blunt flows. It’s short, but it really doesn’t feel that short, and frankly I could re-listen to it a handful of times in a row and probably not care that much. Not to sound like Todd Howard, but it just works dude.

#9: ゼロコンマ、色とりどりの世界 - Mass of the Fermenting Dregs (2010)

According to Google, this record’s title translates to Zero Comma, Multicolored World. Which is interesting. I wish I knew Japanese just to understand this kind of stuff to be honest. But that’s besides the point.

Zero Comma, Multicolored World is a fantastic collection of tracks from my personal favorite J-Rock band, Mass of the Fermenting Dregs. Like for context, I got into this band around the same time as I got into Nirvana. I spent the entire summer of 2016 crying to In Utero, playing Overwatch while listening to MF DOOM, and jamming to Mass of the Fermenting Dregs. I managed to find a copy of their fantastic self-titled EP when I was in Tokyo a few years back. Anyways I’ve gotten off track.

This record is a breathe of fresh air for those tired of American “alt-rock”, incorporating elements of shoegaze, post-hardcore, pop, and more to create a totally unique and explosive record. Every member of this band is playing out of their minds on some of these tracks, and lead singer/bassist Natsuko Miyamoto’s vocals are powerful and blend so well with everything else this record offers. At this point in most paragraphs I’d gush about some specific tracks but I don’t have a Japanese keyboard to write the track titles and I’m lazy, so just trust me and go listen to this record, their self-titled EP, the reunion record No New World from 2018, and their EP World is Yours if anything I’ve said interests you.

#8: Fetch - Melt-Banana (2013)

This record melts my fucking brain dude. Melt-Banana is some of the most eccentric and weird music I’ve ever heard, blending noise, punk, and just plain absurdity to create music that I want to simultaneously describe as cursed and blessed. From the wailing walls of pure volume coming from the guitars to the sporatic and often manic vocals, this record sounds like no other I’ve ever heard. My personal favorite tracks are Hive, Candy Gun, Zero, and Schemes of the Tails. Seriously, if this sounds interesting to you, set aside 32 minutes to just appreciate this record. It’ll be worth your time.

#7: Joy as an Act of Resistance - IDLES (2018)

On Joy as an Act of Resistance, British band IDLES offers up some of the best punk of the decade in a package that is full of hope, anger, and love. From singer Joe Talbot’s cries for unity in tracks like Danny Nedelko and Great, to self love anthems like Television and I’m Scum, Joy offers an alternative to their much angrier and sad 2017 debut record Brutalism, which I now realize I forgot to include on my fucking honorable mentions god damn it. Anyways, this record isn’t all sweet. IDLES tackles some heavier topics on this record as well, with songs like Samaritans dismantling toxic masculinity, Rottweiler tearing into sensationalist news and media, and the introspective June seeing Joe speak bluntly about his experience being the father of a stillborn. It’s also some of the unique punk out there at the moment, with jangly guitar “riffs”, Joe’s accent heavy shouts, and noisey drums. IDLES is definitely a band to pay attention to going into the 20s.

#6: Adults!!!... Smart!!! Shithammered!!! And Excited By Nothing!!!!! - Bomb the Music Industry (2010)

Adults!!! is short, coming in at 21 minutes over the course of 7 tracks. And yet, this EP contains some of the catchiest and refined ska punk of the decade. The record acts almost as a condensed summation of BTMI’s entire career, featuring some of the repeated themes that has defined Jeff’s whole discography. Not only that, but some of BTMI’s best tracks are on this EP, from Jeff’s strained vocals on You Still Believe in Me?, to the peppy and depressing Planning My Death, to the defiant Slumlord and the explosive penultimate track, The First Time I Met Sanawon. I could wish it was longer, but I’ll be honest, with the quality of tracks here, I don’t care. It’s a near flawless EP that represents everything I love about one of my favorite bands ever.

#5: The Money Store - Death Grips (2012)

Like Fetch, The Money Store is similarly mind melting in completely different ways. This record is brutal. MC Ride’s “vocals” are like no other, with some describing them as the shouts of a drugged up homeless man. Paired with ear bursting, stereo busting beats, and esoteric dark flows, the picture this record paints is one of filth and primal violence. And I love every minute of it. And despite the harsh nature of this record, some of these beats fucking slap. This record features some of the weirdest uses of sampling, like seriously who the fuck finds Arabic Nokia ringtones and thinks “yeah let’s sample these in like half the tracks on this record” and make it sound this good. And at times I have no clue how they even managed to make some of the sounds they did. All of this is backed with Zack Hill’s extremely technical and wild drumming. I contemplated putting other Death Grips records in this spot, but The Money Store is the complete DG package. It also has Hacker on it. im in your area

#4: Teens of Denial - Car Seat Headrest (2016)

I’m a fucking moron and I’ll tell you why. When I initially heard the first few tracks from this record when I was 17, I wasn’t that blown away. Like, I added Fill in the Blank, Vincent, and Destroyed by Hippie Powers to my big ass shuffle playlist and didn’t bother digging much deeper. Here I am now, 20 years old, kicking myself in the ASS for overlooking Car Seat Headrest for this long. I only gave this album a proper listen to back in January! And I LOVE it! Teens of Denial is a fantastic record, full of complex, multilayered tracks that are not only incredibly catchy, but full of heart and passion. Lead singer and songwriter Will Toledo has voice that sounds equally uneasy and leaking with confidence, and that confidence spills over into every aspect of this record. While not as emotionally intense as their only other studio LP as of February 2020, Teens of Denial is just track after track of some of the greatest indie rock made this decade. Including the songs I mentioned before, you’ve also got Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales, 1937 State Park, and the powerful Cosmic Hero. And if you like reading, the narrative of this record is interesting to follow. And while I was working on this list they literally just announced a new record so like I’m fucking hyped dude.

#3: To Pimp a Butterfly - Kendrick Lamar (2015)

Ok. Look. I know everybody is putting this at their #1 spot. And they probably have even more to say about this record than I do. There’s probably nothing I can say that hasn’t been said a million times by literally everyone. But that’s just a testament to the quality of this record. This is one of the greatest hip hop records ever made, if not the best depending on who you ask. Some of my favorite rap songs are on this record, Wesley’s Theory, King Kunta, Alright, The Blacker The Berry, and more. TPAB offers detailed glimpses into one of the biggest rappers in the world’s psyche and pain, mixed with profound social and political messages. The beats on this record are beautifully mixed with jazz and gospel influences, starting a trend many artists have since continued. And Kendrick’s signature flow from gkmc are at their absolute finest on TPAB. There is something to enjoy out of this record no matter your background, which would explain this record’s near universal appeal. To Pimp a Butterfly is just full of life, energy, and passion. It’s weird to think this record is only 5 years old, because it feels just as powerful as it did when it came out.

#2: Twin Fantasy - Car Seat Headrest (2018)

Twin Fantasy is a rare kind of record. The emotions expressed on this record are intense and laid flat out for you to hear, dissect, and empathize with. The entire record being structured around the idea of reflection works both as a fun way to organize a diverse and varied track listing, while also playing into a handful of the record’s motifs and themes. Speaking of which, each song on this album has a unique identity, both in terms of sound and feeling, and how it plays into the larger narrative of this record. Some songs have multiple tonal shifts, such as the epic Beach Life-In-Death, split into three distinct parts making it a song that, despite its 13 minute run-time, is a song I never grow tired of listening to. What each track shares, however, is the same fantastic songwriting, with layered instrumentals and some of Will’s greatest vocal performances. It also helps that all the tracks are just flat out catchy, like the fantastic Bodies, the chill Sober to Death, and the energetic Nervous Young Inhumans. While the 2011 original is great, the 2018 rerecording adds so much new complexity and clarity to this record. In addition to the original themes, the 2018 version adds new perspectives and meta commentary to the 2011 original, with Will reflecting on the feelings he was experiences at the time he wrote the original record, 7 years afterwards, adding an additional layer to this record’s larger narrative. The final 22 minutes of this record provides a strong emotional climax to the record, sending off a fantastic and absolutely classic record. There’s a good chance that, in 10 more years or so, I may look back at this record and put it above my #1 record. Hell, while I write this I really question whether or not I should do it. What I’m trying to say is, take that #2 with a grain of salt, because I love this record just as much as my #1 at this point. No record has managed to leave such a profound and strong impression on me this quickly after my first listen a few months ago, besides Twin Fantasy. Because Twin Fantasy is a rare kind of record. It’s a perfect record. And now it’s time for my favorite record of the decade. It’s probably obvious what it is considering some of the things I’ve said on this list, so without any more delay...

#1: WORRY. - Jeff Rosenstock (2016)

WORRY. is my personal favorite record of the decade and of all time. It is an absolutely triumphant record. Every song here is a classic. WORRY. radiates pure, unfiltered energy that I haven’t been able to shake for the nearly 4 years this record has been out. Songs like Festival Song and Wave Goodnight to Me still get me pumped, and the so called “WORRY. medley” that spans the back half of this record rivals the medley of Abbey Road. And the opening track, We Begged 2 Explode, fuck man it’s a hell of an opener. Hell, I know every line spoken on this record. This record is a product of a man who has spent over 20 years perfecting his music, never compromising to trends or demands. Jeff has always been open about what he loves and what he believes in, and it’s no more apparent than on this record. Trying to describe every way in which this record works for me leaves me grasping for the right words to describe the feeling. It’s a record that makes you wanna chant along to it, move your body to it, and tell everyone you love about it. So just listen to it. I don’t care if you don’t like punk, or ska, or ska punk, or just garage/indie rock in general, or if my enthusiasm hasn’t sold you. This is one of the best records out there and you can either realize it now, or regret it later.

I know the record literally says that the perfect sound doesn’t exist. But it does. And it sounds like this.

And that’s it for this list. I’m excited to see what the new decade brings. If my mind ever changes about these records, or I get around to listening to a record that deserves to be on this list, maybe I’ll do an updated version, but like right now? This is how I feel.

#music #top 10 albums #2010s

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boy-at-a-bus-stop · 7 years

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Here it is, the third chapter, my favorite chapter so far. I enjoyed writing it and i hope you’ll enjoy reading it. I also hope it’s not too boring for your taste and that there are not too many typos / grammar mistakes…

Three

The warm sun on my skin woke me up the next morning. When I opened my eyes I was confused at first but after a bit I remembered what had been going on the night before. I slowly got up, not really wanting to leave the warmth and comfort Josh’s bed was providing. I took a look at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It said 11:30 am. How the hell had I been sleeping that long?

I’m normally not the person to sleep that long. I wouldn’t say i’m an early bird, but sleeping till 11:30? That’s a waste of lifetime. This also made me wonder why Josh hadn’t woken me up. If it was him sleeping in my bed I would definitely have woken him up earlier. I finally got out of bed and left the bedroom. The bathroom was empty, and so was the kitchen. I walked into the living room but Josh wasn’t there either. I took a look around the room, wondering what was going on. Had he left for somewhere? I didn’t think he would just have left without leaving a note or something like that. But there was no Josh and no note to be seen in the living room.

The drinking glasses we had used the day before were still standing on the small table, the cushions on the sofa were lying there just the way I had left them. Then I saw something outside of one of the open windows, in the bottom right corner to be exact, and as I walked closer I realized that what I had seen was a bit of Josh’s hair. He was sitting outside on the stairs of the fire escape, enjoying the sunshine and smoking a cigarette. He must have heard me coming closer because he turned around and greeted me with a small but friendly smile.

“Good morning! So you’re finally awake?!“ I blinked a few times, my eyes had to get used to the bright sunlight. Even though it was February it was relatively warm and the sun shined just like it did in June. “Well, it’s not really morning anymore… but at least I’m out of bed”, I mumbled.“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Josh looked at me, confused, “Well, there was no need to waken you, so I thought i’d just let you…Should I have woken you up? I’m sorry if…” “No, no, it’s alright. I was just wondering if it doesn’t bother you having me around… sleeping in your bed all day… I just don’t want to bother you, you know?”, I said interrupting his speech.

His gorgeous smile returned to his face as I said that. “Oh, you’re not bothering me… Also, you look kinda cute when you’re sleeping…” His last comment made me blush and as he saw me blush, Josh blushed himself. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said this… now I sound like some creepy stalker… oh god, it sounds as if I had been sitting next to the bed all night, i’m sorry…”, he mumbled, looking down. I laughed at his comment about sounding like a stalker. But yeah, the thought of him sitting next to the bed watching me sleep all night definitely was creepy. Like in this song by Sting, “Every breath you take”…

“No it’s okay, I swear…”, I said, trying to comfort him a bit. “…I actually find it… cute that you said that…” Josh now looked back up but blushed even more. “Where’s John?”, I quickly asked, trying to diffuse the awkwardness that filled the air by changing the topic. “He left… he called himself a taxi about two hours after you went to bed.” The silence between the two of us lasted a few minutes and to my surprise it was Josh who broke it. “So, you had a good night’s sleep? Do you find my bed comfortable?” His question made me laugh a bit, then I answered, “Yes, it’s very comfy and it smells like heaven, I guess that’s why I slept this long… How about you? How long did you sleep?” It seemed to be the wrong question to ask because Josh seemed to become bitter all of a sudden. “Not at all”, was all he responded. He looked away, staring at the other buildings and the street underneath us.

“Aren’t you tired then?”, I asked cautiously, trying to keep the conversation alive and guide it in a different direction without being too direct about it. “No, i’m used to this… it just happens from time to time, but it’s not that bad. I’m good ”, he responded, forcing the smile back on his face but it was just too obvious something bothered him. I wanted to know more about it, about what was going on here, about what bothered him and about why he couldn’t sleep, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask. It was obvious he’d rather not talk about it and I didn’t consider myself in a position to have the right to know what was going on. “Shouldn’t we be in the studio, by the way?”, I quickly changed topics, hoping to make both of us feel better in this situation. “I called Bob and told him that we wouldn’t come to record today” “What did he do? Shout at you? Or did he throw his cellphone at the wall?”, I giggled, trying to bring the good atmosphere back and having the picture clear in mind. To my relief Josh seemed to be a bit at ease again. “No, to my surprise he didn’t! He just told me it was okay and he’d see us tomorrow… crazy times” he laughed, then he stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray he held in his hand. He stood up from the stairs he had been sitting on and signaled me to move away from the open window so that he could climb back in. “One could say so. But… if we, or better said you, won’t record anything today… what are we going to do all day, then?”, I asked, unsure. “Or would you prefer it if I went home and left you alone?”, I quickly added when I noticed that I had just assumed he wanted me around. Josh walked towards the kitchen as I was saying this and stopped at the non-existent door to answer my question. “Um.. well, if you don’t have any plans yourself… i’d suggest we just stay here, I don’t really feel like leaving the apartment to be honest… but i’d love to have your company.” He disappeared into the kitchen as if he was fleeing from my reaction. Even though he was out of sight I was sure he had blushed and this thought itself made me giggle. “And i’d love to keep you company!”, I half - yelled to make sure he heard me.

So Josh and I stayed in his apartment all day long. The fire escape was the farthest we went, climbing in and out through the window every now and then, but most times we just stayed in the living room. We ordered pizza and watched a few movies - Josh had a few video cassettes, mostly old gangster movies both of us had already seen but we watched them anyways - talked a bit about our favorite movies and books. “I guess you like to read, don’t you? I mean, you have a lot of books in your bedroom”, I said as we had talked the topic of movies to death already, “Yeah, I do, but I don’t read as much as it looks like… I think I haven’t finished about half the books in my bedroom yet. I’m good at starting books but most of the time, I loose interest after a bit and just put the books aside and if the book’s lucky I finish reading it a few weeks, sometimes months, later. And sometimes the books never get to tell me the end of their stories. But I do enjoy it, yeah”, he said as he searched for a CD to play next. We had already listened to Pink Floyd’s album “Wish you were here” after watching all the movies. “I know that problem! I usually start reading a book, then I put it aside for a few months, then I read the ending and if I like the ending I read the whole book in one go”, I explained. I wasn’t joking, this is really how I do it. Most people ask me why I’d read a books ending before I read the story itself - “doing this spoils the whole story!” or “books aren’t meant to be read this way, this destroys the authors hard work” are the things most people say if I tell them about my way of reading books. I think the reason why I read like this is that I can’t handle all the tension that’s slowly built up if you read a book from beginning to end. I get so emotionally involved in these stories that I can’t handle it if I don’t know the way it all turns out in the end. And I don’t even want a happy end in every book, I don’t mind if the book doesn’t end well, this really doesn’t matter to me at all. I just need to know it beforehand. “Uh, yeah, I do that too sometimes, reading the ending of a book before I read the rest…”, Josh now said, still looking for a CD. It wasn’t surprising that he didn’t find what he wanted right away: he had a shitload (I’m allowed to cuss here, right?) of CDs and all of them were just randomly piled up in one corner of the living room. “What are you looking for?”, I asked, getting up from the sofa and walking over to him to help him. Four eyes see more than two, right? “Wait! I found it! Here it is, one of my favorites. Don’t look, you’ll know what it is when you hear it!”, Josh responded, stopping me in my tracks. “Oh, okay…”, I just said, a bit confused, as I walked back to the sofa I had already been laying on yesterday and sat down. Just a few seconds later he had put the CD in the CD-player and the music started. Within the first few seconds I had a suspicion on what this was. “Radiohead?”, I asked, not a hundred percent sure. Josh turned around, an unsure expression on his face himself. “Yeah, Radiohead… But, uhm, if you don’t like it or you’d prefer to listen to something else..” I cut him off and explained,“No, it’s great, I like Radiohead a lot! I just wasn’t sure whether it really was Radiohead.” So for the next 53 minutes and 21 seconds we listened to Ok Computer, me still sitting on the sofa, Josh sitting on the floor in front of his shelf stereo with his legs crossed. He occasionally hummed along to songs and sometimes he would even quietly sing along to some of them. He’d just sing quietly to himself but it was still loud enough for me to hear it. And the more I heard the more I understood why Bob wanted Josh to sing backing vocals for their record.

“Bob told me he wants you to do backing vocals for your record, but he’s afraid you wouldn’t want to do it”, I stated shortly after “The Tourist” had finished. Josh sighed, “Yeah, he spoke to me about it. And if he thinks I don’t want to do it he’s damn right, I don’t want to and I won't” “Why not? Why don’t you just try and see what happens?”, I suggested. “No, no, you don’t understand, I can’t do this, this would be horrible, I just can’t sing, and my voice sounds awful,” he responded, a shocked expression on his face. “You can sing, and your voice is good! Do you really believe that Bob would want you to sing on an album, on his album, if it was awful? I mean, come on, he’s your friend, right? He wouldn’t lie to you. You know him. And I wouldn’t lie to you either. Why not just try it?”, I sat up on the sofa, looking at him with a soft smile on my face. I didn’t want him to feel pressured, but I felt like I just had to encourage him to at least try. Josh didn’t respond and didn’t look at me for a few minutes. I really thought I had just destroyed the good atmosphere with these few words I had said. Just when I wanted to speak again he looked up at me, “You know what? You’re probably right… I should give it a try. It’s just… I hate my voice, I always have and I can’t imagine this turning out well. I just don’t want to embarrass myself…” “You won’t, I’m sure. You can do this. I know you can”, I now said in a low voice, giving him a reassuring smile. He looked down at his hands again, blushing slightly. An awkward silence filled the room as both of us had no clue about what to say next. I finally decided to leave the room for a second and went to the kitchen. “I’ll just get myself some more water… Do you need anything?”, I said in an effort to bring the relaxed atmosphere back. “No I’m good, thank you”, Josh responded as I walked into the kitchen.

This time my plan worked out. By the time I returned to the living room Josh was sitting outside on the stairs of the fire escape again. I climbed outside through the window and sat down next to him. “Do you know what most smokers say when they want to go outside to smoke a cigarette?”, Josh asked me as he looked at the burning cigarette he held in this hand. “I guess you’ll tell me”, I responded. He looked at me with a grin on his face, laughing at his own joke. “'I need to get some fresh air!‘”, he said and added, “Isn’t this ironic? You say you need to get some fresh air but you really just want to inhale more or less toxic chemicals!” I had to laugh at his joke even though it wasn’t even that funny, it was quite lame to be honest, but he was so adorable as he told it, I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, you’re right!”, I said, giggling. I looked over at Josh and for once he didn’t look away immediately but held eye contact with me for a few seconds, still an amused smile on his face. And for these few seconds it seemed to me like time was standing still, like my heart had stopped beating, but not in this scary “shit I don’t wanna die”- way but in a way that made me feel like I had all the time in the world and all the possibilities in the world, like there was nothing and no one to stop me or harm me, there was no one who intended to hurt me and there was no one who could do so even if they wanted to. I felt so safe and at peace with myself, I felt like the whole world was home to me. I felt like this for as long as his brown eyes stared into mine and our souls connected. He looked away eventually and we both started staring at our own feet again, but I just knew that things would never be the same between us, at least for me.

“I need some fresh air as well…”, I finally stated, holding my hand out at Josh. He looked confused at first but after a few minutes his face lit up as he got my hint and gave me a cigarette and his lighter. “Thanks”, I said, lit up the cigarette and took a drag. I hadn’t smoked in a few weeks because I had intended to stop smoking but I just felt like I needed some nicotine right in this moment. I gave the lighter back to him and looked inside through the open window. We were both silent for a few minutes before Josh started to speak again. He just started talking, he didn’t ask me anything. He talked about everything that came to his mind – about how he met Bob for the first time, about his friends and his parents. I liked listening. We sat on the stairs for a lot longer, Josh just kept on talking, I kept on listening, asking questions every now and then.

We talked about our early experiences with music, I told him about my Dad’s early musical endeavors and all the things that happened in his life before I had been born. Josh told me about his first drum set, his first concert and how he once stole his mom’s credit card so that he and his best friend could go to a Pearl Jam concert when they were 13 or 14. He talked about his feelings about finally recording something, he said that he was glad to finally be able to really do something, record songs and make new experiences, gain confidence and maybe even get a foot into the heavy door that led to a career in the music business. We talked some more about our childhood, he told me that it had always been clear to him that he wanted to spend his life playing music. He said he had never even thought about it, it had just been clear to him since his early childhood and it became even clearer the very first time he had held drum sticks in his hands when he was nine.

“I think the thing my parents don’t get is that I was aware of the risk I was taking when I quit school. I think they believe I just thought I’d become a ‘rock star’ - or whatever you want to call it - over night, but that’s not true. I don’t even want to be famous, it’s just not what I’m aiming for in my life. But I knew that I wanted to play music, and playing music is the one thing I need in my life in order to be happy. So when I quit school I was a hundred percent sure that I was doing the right thing and I still am a hundred percent sure about that. And by the time I quit school I was aware that I probably wouldn’t be able to get a ‘normal’, well paying job but I also was sure that I don’t even want to get a 'normal’, well paying job. So I decided to close this door that lead to a 'normal’ life and instead open another door even though I could only guess what was waiting for me behind it. And I still have no clue to be honest… I don’t know what will happen in my life, but that’s the thing: no matter how many plans you make in your life and how safe your future seems to be at one point in your life, there will always be things you can’t control and can’t prepare for, so in the end no one will ever know what will happen in their life, no matter if they dropped out of high school or got a master’s degree or something. So when I have to choose between a seemingly 'safe’ path that I know won’t make me happy and another path that seems to be more risky but is also more likely to lead me to happiness eventually, i’ll always choose my personal happiness over financial stability… Even if that might seem stupid or foolish to some people”, he said when I asked him about why he took such a big risk at such a young age and quit school at 15. I loved the way he talked about these things, how he held these seemingly endless monologues. One could know from the way he spoke about things if he was passionate about them, if he wanted to have this conversation. He explained things in a very detailed way, in a very interesting way, it was fun to just sit there and listen. It made me feel good because I knew he wouldn’t do that if he didn’t feel comfortable around someone and it made me happy to know that he felt comfortable around me. I didn’t know why but I just wanted him to feel comfortable, I wanted him to know I cared about what he had to say. I deeply cared. I cared about him as a person, as a friend.

“I got one question that got stuck in my head yesterday…”, I started when we were having dinner. Having dinner in this case meant eating pizza with our hands while sitting on the stairs of the fire escape and enjoying the view. “Yeah?”, Josh looked up from his food, he seemed unsure but interested. “It’s nothing personal, it’s just… Don’t your neighbors get mad if you’re playing music all the time? I mean, when you play drums in your living room, don’t they get annoyed by all the noise?” Josh graced me with one of his gorgeous smiles and answered, “Sometimes they do complain, but most of the time they don’t mind. I usually play during the daytime, so it’s not really a problem, plus my landlord supports my musical efforts, he sometimes even comes over to talk about music with me…” I grinned, “Seems like he wants to be able to say 'See, I was right, I told you he’d make it, there you have it, I was right’ when you’re topping the charts one day” Josh blushed a bit but still smiled at me, “I doubt that will ever happen, though…”, he mumbled. “As you said before, you never know what will happen in your life”, I said in a tone that didn’t tell if I was being serious or not.

I enjoyed the day, I really did. I enjoyed talking with Josh, hearing his voice made me feel good, and he had interesting stories to tell. As I said before, I like the way he talks. You can feel that he thinks about every single word he says before he actually says it, that he’s always trying to find the right words, words that are capable of expressing exactly what he thought of. I like that. But I wasn’t sure if Josh enjoyed it to be completely honest. He did seem relaxed and was very talkative, he even made some jokes, but still, I wasn’t sure if he really liked spending time with me or if he just did it because he wanted to be polite and friendly. You’re probably all thinking “what’s her fucking problem? Why would he do that?” but the thing is, this is just something I picked up, a habit, a thinking pattern if you will, I always doubt if people actually like me. And I think everyone does that to a certain extend, I mean in the end you never know if a person actually likes you or if they’re just really good actors, but well, I tend to overdo it a little bit sometimes. I know that I overdo it, but I just can’t help it. I don’t know where this comes from.

The day went by quickly and soon I found myself standing outside Josh’s apartment door. “Um, so, I guess i’ll see you tomorrow then, right?”, he said in a low voice, still kind of shy. “Yeah, at the studio”, I stated the obvious. “Great, um… it’s been fun, having you around I mean…”, he mumbled, looking at his feet. He seemed to be back to his normal shy self. “Yeah, it’s been great, occupying your apartment for two days, bed and bathroom and all”, I responded, trying to lighten up the mood a bit. It worked, Josh’s smile was back and made my heart melt. Silence filled the space between us. “Okay then… goodnight!”, I said and turned around to leave but I didn’t get far. All of a sudden I felt Josh’s hand on my arm so I turned around again to face him, a bit surprised. “Um, Ally?” “Yeah?” “Could… could I maybe… would you be so nice to… would you mind if… Could you give me your phone number? Please?”, he stuttered, blushing and shifting from one foot to the other nervously. I gave him a warm smile, trying to tell him there was no need to be nervous without using words. “Yeah, but only if I get yours in return”, I laughed, got my cellphone out of my bag and gave it to him for him to save his phone number on it. He did the same and I saved my number on his cellphone. “Thanks”, was all he mumbled when I gave it back to him. “Thank you for asking”, I said, then I turned around and left. “Goodnight!”, I heard Josh say as I walked down the stairs and left the building.

#josh klinghoffer #josh klinghoffer fanfiction #rhcp #fanfic #chapter 3

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MASSIVE VOL. 22: Jyou & miko interview (Mar 2016)

Throughout these long years of twists and turns, exist†trace has been acknowledged as the trailblazers of girls’ rock bands. Their newest release, “THIS IS NOW,” is precisely a condensation of this band’s “now” within one thrilling minialbum. For their first spread in this magazine, Jyou and miko enlighten us on the “now” of their strength and the secrets of their unshakeable presence.

Text: You Masuda

♦︎ I had the chance to listen to the original version (demo) of the release. It’s a very energetic production. For the both of you at this moment, what do you feel you were able to do with it?

miko: Well… as the title “THIS IS NOW” says, I hope we were able to fully pack our current selves within this single.

Jyou: This is a similar answer, but last year we did many lives and held a grand finale during the end of the year at O-WEST. Although not just throughout the timespan of this one year, I wonder if we were able to capture everything that has accumulated for us until this point.

♦︎ So “now” is the accumulation for you up until this point. Then, say if you had been able to pack the current selves of exist†trace into this album, right now, what state is that?

miko: I’d say that, whether it’s the spirit or the different feelings of each of the five members, this is the best state we’ve ever been in. I feel that we’re at a point now where everybody’s organic rhythm is solidly growing together, becoming complete.

♦︎ But to get to this point of everybody’s paces coming together, it must have been fairly difficult.

miko: Yes. Of course, when you have five people together, there will be plenty of difficulties, but in particular, one of our strong points is how we support one another when someone is feeling down. It’s like throughout our activity last year, we became closer to one another, and while these songs were being created, our feelings also became stronger. To each of us, the band and what we’re doing with it became more important. I feel like that’s the way things are now.

♦︎ During the lives last year there was also a live named “Reasons for the existence,” meaning “the reason of existing.“ Was that what you had found?

miko: Yes. In a way, we were preparing ourselves for the worst. As women, compared to men, that’s just how we think, “well, if the band doesn’t do well, there’s always marriage…” right? (laughs)

♦︎ I’m glad you said that. If I’d said it that’d be an issue (laughs).

miko: Huhuhu. I think that’s also an okay decision too. In fact, with our friends in girls’ bands, there are “retirements (from music due to marriage)” (laughs), but I think that decision also requires bravery. But in our case, where we are now, if we were to be asked, “is the music you’ve made until now enough?” I don’t think anybody in the band would say yes. I think that the happiest thing in life for many people is music, and within the world of music, we are seeking to grasp the best moment that we can above all else. All five of us talked about this last year. It might be strange to hear, but right now, none of us are in a rush to get married or anything. We’re brushing off the fact that we’re women, or we have to because of our age. But preparing for the worst is different than giving up, because even if this was a good moment for us, we aren’t okay with just this. We’ll always do our best for that moment, and there’ll be good times and also bad times, and in those times we’ll gain a better understanding of ourselves. If we do that I think our future will open up.

Jyou: For me, I do feel that I can continue because of this band. It’s just that if you were to ask me, in this band, have we created the best moment? I’d have to say no, not at all yet. But of course, even if we did achieve it, it doesn’t mean we’ll quit (laughs).

♦︎ I think that even in “Dream Rider,” recorded for the new album, there is a sense of “I won’t give up on chasing my dream” within the lyrics, does that agree with the feelings that all five of you feel?

miko: I think so. Only, maybe just up until a little while ago, I don’t think it was very realistic that we had a dream like “we’re going to be successful with this band!” For example, until this point in our lives, when we were still students and doing club activities, we tried really hard in our sports clubs and even thought, “we’ll use this position to become the best and join the big leagues!” but those were just pipe dreams. In the end, we hadn’t really achieved anything. But being in a band we get to experience a lot of different things, and rather than saying I’m able to feel that dream we used to have, I can think of it now as “that’s where I need to go!”

♦︎ By the way what culture club were you part of?

miko: Volleyball (laughs).

♦︎ I see. In the beginning, dreams have no basis, nothing at all. Then, as you begin to understand reality more and more, your dream becomes something that gets increasingly difficult to keep. Now, if you get through that, you can achieve your dreams, right?

Jyou: That’s right. The fact that in the beginning we wanted to be in a band because we thought that it seemed interesting wasn’t the only reason there was. And if you saw us when we first started out, it was really hard (laughs). That we were girls was a part of it, back then it bothered people more than it would now. But, sometime ago, because of the people who came to see us, I realized that gender didn’t matter. After understanding that I could be myself, and that I could let my real self out, emotionally everything got a lot easier.

♦︎ You mean that the people who were most bothered by the fact that you were girls were actually yourselves?

Jyou: Yeah, it was us. This was when we went overseas, but in our audience there was a foreigner who was dressed in a b-boy type style, and I was rude, thinking “oh, he’s teasing us.” But, I saw that he was singing along to our songs, and it felt like somehow he was approving of what we were doing. It had nothing to do with genre, gender or race. That made me happy.

♦︎ After that did you start to like b-boys?

Jyou: I did not (laughs). I understood that he had his own style, but still loved and came to see exist†trace. That was what made me happiest.

♦︎ As there are a lot of things that are noticed during lives. Only, last year, you said that it was a point to expand your lives, but on the contrary there was also a year that had no releases save for one live-only single. For the fans, that wasn’t just a long wait, but also a point of discomfort.

miko: That’s true. But we intentionally didn’t release anything. We created an environment where we asked people to come to our lives because we wanted to produce good results with our concerts first. What was driving us to do what we did was so that in the end, we could have good stage presence and good performance. We’re proud of being a live band, and as a result, many people came to see our lives, and the songs born from that had a different sort of evolution due to this too.

♦︎ By this creation, which song are you referring to?

miko: That would be the titular song, “THIS IS NOW.” We started playing this song halfway through last year, but honestly, in the beginning of the last year, I personally had some doubts. As in, when I thought about the band’s future, I started to get worried. We were caught in thinking too much that our live stance needed to be better, and our presentation was on the verge of becoming secondary to that. During this phase, it was really hectic, and I created this song on an impulse. And just around at that time we were starting to have a lot of meetings with just the members, these scary “what are we gonna do?”-type meetings……

♦︎ When the meetings increase, that’s a sort of red light, in a way.

miko: Kinda like everyone was coming to meetings with a frown (laughs). But through that, we learned the things that we needed to place importance on and we talked about what it meant to be together, and anyway, we ended up realizing that if we kept going forward without destroying our stance, the things that we wanted to do would start to come closer. So in a way, when we tried to come clean, what came out of it was this song.

Jyou: This song was created quickly. Since it seems like miko is the type to vent her frustrations and her stress into a song (laughs) It felt like it was done in an instant.

miko: While it was still in its rough stages we were already playing it at our lives. When we made the CD, it also had no premise, just kinda like “vomit it all out!” (laughs)

Jyou: This song is a garbage dump, isn’t it (laughs).

miko: Anyway we played this song with a force of throwing those thoughts at the audience. And the livehouse we were at had really intense reverb, so we were like “what the heck was that song?” (laughs) And then suddenly, it became one of our standards. The audience were like, “I’m going to interpret it my own way!” and even though they only heard the lyrics they still got it, like “I sympathize!”. Of course before that there have been songs that we did at lives first and that we recorded after we got a good reaction, but because it’s like I scooped out and threw out parts of myself, the reactions were very real.

♦︎ Regardless of miko’s frustrations, were you able to have a mutual understanding between the members?

Jyou: Of course the things miko was dealing with are things that we’re completely done with now. The things we talked about there were put straight into the lyrics, so we were quick to get the feel of it. We came to an understanding of things like how I should sing, or how we should perform, in almost no time at all.

♦︎ It seems like what you’re saying is that this song is the biggest harvest from 2015.

miko: I mean, there should be a better word than “harvest” to honour the song (laughs). But, even if it was, this song does feel like the one bright, shining light from all the things that had happened last year. Not only that, but the lyrics haven’t changed one bit since we penned it at the first live. Rather than saying harvesting it, it’s more like we brushed it up, and rather than thoughts like “is it okay to express things like this?“ it was more like I thought “things should change.” Anyhow, since it got to the point where I said “THIS IS NOW,” I thought that above all else I should contain the reality of that moment.

♦︎ Those real emotions you mentioned are still going on, aren’t they? Which means that you still haven’t cleared out all your frustrations yet?

miko: I wonder? But I think that’s how I get motivation. I’m probably the type that won’t get anything done when I’m happy (laughs).

Jyou: Personally I hate stress (laughs).

♦︎ You sing “Blast your now!” in your song BLAST, right?

miko: Right. Of course we do this when things don’t go smoothly, but I think we all need to let go of the good moments in our life as well. Just like last year during our oneman, while we had a lot of points to reflect on, our audience had enjoyed themselves and that made it into such a great moment for us too. But for our next one we have to let things go, or it’s useless for the band. I think I should keep that sense from now on for a long long time.

♦︎ It’s sort of like the whole album is about pushing forward, or within all of the songs there’s a strong aggressive tone.

miko: It’s not like we consciously thought “Let’s do something aggressive,” but I guess this is our “now.” We’re creating the sense of “now” naturally, rather (laughs).

♦︎ Due to the size of the mini album, there’s peculiarly not a lot of attention paid to the balance, and it gives the impression that you’re running out of breath. “Neo Japanese Heroine” feels almost like it could a makeup brand’s campaign song? It has that sort of bursting vibe.

Jyou: Ahaha! That’s the best. We’d just talked about differences in gender earlier, but I wonder if it’s kind of like since we’re girls, we want to kick other girls’ asses or something.

miko: I say that it doesn’t matter if they’re boys or girls, but for example, if you were to tell me “A women’s soccer game just won a gold medal!”, as a girl, I’d be much happier. And that’s because whenever we see girls doing their best, we also get a lot of courage from it. If we show how hard we work, I believe that girls get a different image from that than how boys might. I love soccer but when I see female athletes trying their hardest it gives me power, so it’s like, I wonder if music can do the same?

♦︎ Today I learned that this band is pretty athletically-minded (laugh).

miko: I’m a bit too passionate, I guess (laughs).

♦︎ No, it’s important. Since it’s been said that spineless “veggie” boys have been on the rise in this generation.

Jyou: I think those boys need to sharpen the hell up (laughs).

♦︎ Thank you for your stern words. Is the reaction you get from girls different from boys after all, then? There’s a difference in how they receive you?

miko: I think so……. we may feel differently than male bands may feel from the support from their male fans, but support from people of the same sex definitely has a special feeling to it. Of course since we’re also happy to have support from the opposite sex, I can’t really explain this well.

Jyou: For me…… well I just like being complimented.

miko: On anything?

Jyou: Any compliment makes me happy (laughs).

♦︎ No, but seriously, when I had the chance see your live last year, I seriously felt that Jyou had improved very rapidly.

Jyou: Thank you.

♦︎ I didn’t just compliment you because you said you liked it (laughs). For you, is there something that you realized has really changed about yourself? And is there a reason for that?

Jyou: Looking back, I thought that the position of vocals was just for me, but when we became a band with twin vocals I had another change in my attitude, my thinking style. It’s weird to say but before within the band, I didn’t have a rival. The percussions team had their own neck-and-neck, and miko’s partner was Omi, and they stood out as they competed with each other. I was alone in that sense. But the moment we became twin vocals, miko appeared as my rival. At that point, rather than thinking that I had to stand out, miko was stubborn on guitar-vocals, and I thought I had to lead. That feeling might have strengthened from there. Until that point I could appear however I wanted to, and that was the time where that became useless.

♦︎ Since you need a compromise between the two of you.

Jyou: When miko is singing, it’s like she can’t stand out too much. I’ll let her stand out a little bit. But Jyou needs to stand out the most, and that kind of compromise had become more and more difficult. I was thinking more than before, “How should I do this?” and I think that was a good starting point for me. Basically because Jyou wants to have all eyes on her (laughs).

miko: Ahaha!

Jyou: That became stronger than before. Our decision to do twin vocals, if I had to say, wasn’t so that it’d become easier but rather an optimistic idea that we could do more interesting things with our songs. But when we actually tried it, it was pretty difficult. “Hey, Jyou right now, are you commanding attention?” or “Did you express yourself enough?” had become bigger and bigger thoughts in my head. As soon as we became two singers, the seeds of competitiveness had been spread, so to speak (laughs).

♦︎ It’s like if in a game of volleyball with six players, there were two ace attackers.

miko: Right right right. Like “Give me that toss!” (laughs).

Jyou: I wasn’t athletic, so I don’t really get what you’re talking about (laughs).

miko: For me…… if I were to say it, I was getting full of myself. I went from only singing the chorus to singing the main, and because of that my place on stage also changed, the environment was different and I thought “what should I do?”, thinking only about myself. Except during all that I also thought “Jyou really is shining onstage” (laughs).

♦︎ It’s been two and a half years since you’ve become twin vocals, hasn’t it?

miko: It has.

♦︎ From that period onwards, since you started putting more emphasis on your lives last year, it seems like you’ve clearly established a new formula, haven’t you?

miko: We have. Personally our change to twin vocals was a really big difference, and for that reason we spent around half a year thinking about what we should do, but I think that now we have finally made it our own. In contrast because we have this experience, I don’t know what we should do from now (laughs). If there’s a flicker of “That’s it!” we should roll with it and go crazy with it. Even if people around us doubt us, as long we ourselves believe in it, I think that it’s okay to take a bit of time. There are times where I can’t say that we’ll take it slow, but this is a band I want to spend my life doing.

♦︎ Your whole life?

miko: Yes. And throughout it all, I want to keep finding the things that make me myself.

♦︎ I want to ask about this once more, what is an example of exist†trace’s “self”?

miko: I don’t know the other members’ answers to this, but for me, it’s that “we’re always fighting.” Since if there was nothing to fight then I think my own expression would also be over.

♦︎ So you mean you can’t be happy ever?

miko: Huhu. Before that fight though, probably, I think a lot of things will happen. Fighting with sadness, fighting with pain, fighting with outside forces, fighting with internal demons… I think there’s a lot. I want to always regurgitate that fight, and likely the people who sympathize with us will recognize that.

Jyou: Even though Igu playing calmer songs at lives is still cool, I think that it’s when we play our harder, exciting songs that we are our true selves. And that’s probably the reason why we have so many fighting songs (laughs). In fact, we’ve been a fighting band for a long time. Our first fight was with our audience (laughs).

miko: Yeah, it really was a fight.

Jyou: It’s weird, to think back on it now. “If you do this you won’t have fans,” that’s pretty obvious to us now.

miko: It was stage vs floor back then.

Jyou: Five people against everyone on the floor.

miko: In the beginning when we started in the visual scene, our audience were all girls, and we were convinced that they were looking at us thinking “What the hell is this girls’ band?” (laughs). In contrast we had an attitude like, “We’re girls, so don’t fuck with us!” which was a spirit that may have drove all those girls away (laughs). In the end, I think we just cared too much about what they thought.

♦︎ You all give off the impression that you’ve stepped into a lot of different images.

miko: That’s true. Except wherever we go, our band, we don’t fit in. In the beginning being in the visual kei scene felt like that, and the girls rock scene as well. Recently, we’ve tried the loud rock scene but as we expected we were also left out. It’s not like we’re used to it, but we just accept it as it is (laughs). Contrarily whatever you call us won’t fit, and on the flip side, whatever domain we’re in we’re prepared to feel left out and fight back with that strength, and that’s just how we are. In a sense, I sometimes think that we even benefit from that isolation. That’s why from now, if there is a scene that we haven’t stepped foot in just yet, we’ll be running headfirst into it.

♦︎ Not only that if you were to show your bare selves, naturally your difference from others will become just something that ends up being emphasized.

Jyou: That’s right. Isn’t that interesting. No matter where we go, we’ll stand out (laughs).

♦︎ You really like standing out. How many times has that come out of Jyou’s mouth today?

Jyou: That’s just my personality. The real me is the complete opposite, I’m shy and I’m not someone who can stand onstage (laughs). If it were up to me I’d never want attention (laughs).

miko: That really is the opposite (laughs).

Jyou: But Jyou is cool and loves attention, and regularly gets all the eyes on her. She’s very interesting, unlike the real me.

♦︎ So in a way the character Jyou is something like a fantasy, or your ideal self?

Jyou: I think so. For a long time…… it wasn’t like I didn’t have friends, but I really wanted to have a group to belong to. I think Jyou is someone who is surrounded by close friends.

♦︎ If you didn’t become Jyou, you couldn’t become a member of exist†trace. Is that the sense of what you mean?

Jyou: I think so. It’s too different from the fact (laughs). I’m what I envision as Jyou. That’s most likely the conditions that make it possible for me to stay with these friends, I think.

♦︎ About these friends. Why is it that you can’t be a band without these five people?

miko: In a sense, maybe it’s like we’ve already reached our member quota. We’ve already transcended a relationship of just musicians. We’ve come a long way as girls…… so for that reason, we’ve of course had talks about changing members or breaking up. But, the one reason we can’t is because even if we were to change a member there would be no replacement. Since I’ve only thought about being with these five…… For me I think I won’t in this lifetime ever be able to meet people I love or band members that can fill that space better than they can. By that I guess I mean I’m strengthening my resolve (laughs).

Jyou: Simply put I love them, these guys. I hope I can say that they’re the first people I ever felt like could understand me and vice versa. I don’t want to part with people who share the same thoughts with me, selfishly speaking (laughs). So I want to cherish them, and I want to be cherished by them. Until the five of us have the best moment in our hands, I don’t want to stop, I can’t stop.

♦︎ In short it’s not because you want to be in visual kei, or because you want to be in a band, but because you want to be in exist†trace, right?

Jyou: Yeah, that’s how it is.

miko: But that’s also why we fight (laughs).

Jyou: Of course. “I love you but you’re a dumbass!” We’ve got a lot of times where it’s like that (laughs).

Read our other exist†trace personal interviews here:

Omi (ZEAL LINK December 2015)

Naoto (ZEAL LINK January 2016)

Mally (ZEAL LINK February 2016) [Coming soon!]

#exist†trace #interview #this is now #jyou #miko

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