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poealsobucky · 6 years

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Time to be Saved!

I’m spending Christmas Eve with Hot Joseph. Block ‘hot joseph 2017′ to disregard this post.

Sorry. I meant to start this earlier but my super Polish grandma would have come back to haunt me if I didn’t make pierogies first.

ANYWAYS. Let’s do this! Stream-of-consciousness style.

Disclaimer: I’m sober and was raised Catholic so some saltiness might appear.

Oscar I hope you know I’m watching this for you. Ugh. I could be watching elf.

Ooh there’s a word crawl! Foreshadowing?

Zachariah is gettin the good word - you’re gonna be a daddy!

Oh shit he just ripped off his sacramental garb!

Now we’re in a field.

Mary, you aren’t allowed to have fun. TSK TSK

There he is! HOT JOSEPH EVERYBODY! Checkin out Mary as she walks by!

You know, Mary’s parents are not very nice.

I’m having CCD flashbacks. Help me hot Joseph.

Ohhhhhh he’s hammering.fjdjdn

Wait dudes on horses are interrupting his hammering.

Oh fuck someone didn’t pay their taxes.

Joseph looks concerned

They are taking women to pay for taxes, fuck these dudes! HIDE YO DAUGHTERS!!!

Hide, Mary!!!!

HOT JOSEPH PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE ENOUGH CASH!!!

he BOUGHT THE MULE HE GAVE IT TO MARY THIS IS TRUE LOVE. HOLY MOLY HOT JOSEPH YOU ARE THE BEST

The prophecy ain’t no myth. You’re all fucked.

Okay there is Persia, we’ve moved everyone.

Codebreakers! Where’s dan brown?!

THESE ARE THE WISE MEN

They are intense.

Oh back to Israel.

JOSEPH IS THERE WAITING.

Mary just got told she was betrothed and now she’s married

See what happens when you accept a dude’s mule?

He just got the no sex talk from Mary’s old man.

She isn’t hearing it, she left

HOT JOSEPH I’M SORRY

MARY what’s up you saw him right? With your own eyes?

You will love him Mary don’t worry.

Joseph is good AND strong. Mary isn’t so sure. She guesses he’s like 5′7 1/2 though which is towering back then.

There are creepy whispers...is that Gabriel?

Mary found favor Idk they are talking softly

More CCD flashbacks.

She just takes this ethereal strangers word for it ya know. What is she gonna tell Hot Joseph?

Mary wants to go see Zach and liz

Looks like things are crazy on the road. She didn’t even say bye to HJ - based on what I have seen he won’t be happy

Elizabeth knew! She knew Mary was preggo

Hey it’s Mikael’s mom from The Promise!

The wise men are still at it! Those rascals.

Mary’s asking the tough questions.

Baby Jesus is moving - Liz, you don’t even know

HOT JOSEPH IS MAD!! HE IS POUNDING THAT HAMMER. Oh shit he threw it down! Someone has a temper issue!

“Melchior, I don’t wanna go on a road trip!!!”- the other two wisemen

Labor ?

Looks terrible!

Well. That happened.

Hot Joseph is super awkward. You can tell he’s a total dork. But lovable. I love that curly hair too, ya know?

Uh oh Mary is headed home!

Bad things happened on that road, too. what is it with these roads, man? They look like Game of Thrones stopped by.

Men in power. *yawn*

This one guy looks like a Jonas brother

Wait you are tryin to tell me only 2 wisemen set out?

Ah there’s he is “you forgot the map.” They bicker like golden girls !!

HJ is so happy!!! Mary is back!!!

His eyes are HUGE, he’s seein’ her belly omg

She walked right past him too, didn’t say anything.

Joseph wanders off, stunned. Well...this marriage is going well

He’s crying! Wtf Mary! You could be a little nicer! You’re the one that agreed to carry the messiah all HJ wanted was a nice house with a sturdy ROOF.

He chose her bc he thought she had great virtue!

TEARY EYED HOT JOSEPH NOOOO

HE IS PROTECTING HER FROM TRIAL, no stones for Mary.

BUT HE AINT OK WITH IT YET

His anger is intense! He’s walking...walking...some dude tries to hand him the biggest rock

Who are they stoning omg...wait a minute

He is dreaming !!!! There’s Gabe.

He believes her!! Gabe told him in his dream to believe her.

Ugh I think hot Joseph doesn’t get enough credit.

Bad men are coming. There’s a census.

Nothing good happens when people start taking notes. Especially the government.

HJ has to go to Bethlehem, the land of his ancestors.

Boy she hit the jackpot, didn’t she, with him. He’s like Sure I’ll walk the whole way and lead this donkey and not eat.

HJ just made a funny! They are passing all the dbags who whisper about them all the time and he goes, “they are going to miss us.” 😂

HJ is gutting a fish and speaking softly. He wonders if he can teach Jesus anything...awww...hammering stuff probably

They got stopped and got searched cuz of paranoid king nutbag.

Some fortune teller just mentioned the kid wasn’t his, ouch. The look he gave her.

Are they sacrificing the cow? “Pass your sins to the animal.” Really?

Omfg the animal isn’t receiving your sins you coward. You still have them because you’re evil. I hate them.

Poor donkey I mean... everything has it rough. But this donkey has seen some things.

HJ gave a giant piece of bread to the missus and took only a nibble for himself.

He fed the donkey his share. Awwww he’s petting it and talking to it. “I’m the hungry one,” he says. You cheeky little carpenter.

OH NO THE DONKEY SAW A SNAKE AND KNOCKED MARY OFF INTO THE WATER!

HJ saves the day!

He is doing so well but he’s exhausted. She is gonna wash his feet while she talks to herself and the baby about how pure Joseph is.

(PS - oscar sleeping is adorable sidenote red alert)

For HOT AIR, HJ’s curly hair is on point!

Ahhhh Jerusalem. “It was meant to be a holy city.”

Some dude grabs their coin purse. No, literally.

“What belongs to us, stays with us.” Don’t try to rob them.

Now to Bethlehem.

“What was your gift?” Mary asks the shepherd. “Nothing,” he replies.

I feel, shepherd.

She is in labor ohhhhhhh joseph it’s go time!

THERES THAT SHINY STAR

IT WAS JUST THREE THINGS ALIGNING I GUESS

HJ IS DELIVERING THIS KID. HES IN IT TO WIN IT

MAD LAUGHTER - Joseph is at a breaking point

NAKED BABY BUTT cover it UP

OMG HJ HOLDING A BABY ughhhhhhhhhh it’s too much

HOT JOSEPH LOOKS SO VULNERABLE

THE WISEMEN COMETH

it’s linus’ speech!

HJ is too much. I stomped to this movie expecting to laugh a lot at bad filmmaking but dammit oscar I wasn’t expecting this I wasn’t EXPECTING TO CARE ABOUT JOSEPH THIS MUCH I’M ROOTING FOR HIM (more than mary????? lol)

here COMES THE NEIGHBORHOOD

mary’s face thru much of this film has been fairly stony. Is she even present in the moment? haha

HJ cannot believe their gifts - the gold is his fav but he’s feeling the myrrh too.

The wisecracking wise man is in shock. He was sassy this whole time, too.

Ya know, at least Mary didn’t have to be a single mom.

The wisemen are keeping the secret. Probably for the best, dudes. You heard the crazy people.

Man I forgot what psychos these people were (are???!!!!!) over power

HJ getting the heck out of there just in time. He has to have SO MANY BLISTERS.

They are fleeing to Egypt

Apparently I didn’t pay attention in CCD, and also that poor donkey. I havent seen any of them eat in days.

Man kudos to oscar for ALL OF THE ENDLESS WALKING

And it’s over.

Thank you Hot Joseph.

#hot joseph 2017

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