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clever-fox-studios · 4 months

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Saw @garbagechocolate post one and realized I had enough art to actually do one of my own! (also artist ramble/struggle journey/discussion/new years thingy below the cut if you care to read that sort of stuff)

It was a good year, and not just that but a productive one for me for art. For the longest time, I rarely finished pieces because I simply lacked the enjoyment or satisfaction of getting it done.

I spent a lot of time between 2018 and 2022 stuck in the "no one likes my art, why bother" spiral and when I saw others drawing always, all the time, and loving it I realized I lacked a certain passion for my own work. I was very jealous of so many artists, not because of skill, as I knew I had the technical ability to draw very well...

But because I didn't know how to draw for myself, and stayed in what I knew. I stagnated myself due to depression I didn't recognize was actually depression. I wondered and marveled at how anyone could draw their own content so obsessively--that others cared and loved to see their stuff--because I lacked that feeling myself; I actively hated my own content--my own OCs--at times. I couldn't draw to be "trendy", but also couldn't draw what I wanted; my soul was dark, and struggling financially wasn't helping. I told myself I lacked time, lacked money, lacked this and that to make excuses rather than just be gentle with myself.

Once in a while I got a flurry of energy, but it always snuffed out just as quickly as it came, and so the next dry spell came.

Then, I got a job. A good job. A well-paying, consistent job that I felt safe in, got back on my feet, and lost two of my excuses. Suddenly, I had a schedule, and I had my bills paid; I had a job that I couldn't easily lose to the next monkey in line if I underperformed.

I felt just a little bit safer.

Yet I still didn't have that passion. Instead of stress on it, though, since I wasn't dragging at the unfeeling internet to buy my art to pay my bills anymore, I felt less pressure to try and grind (I was bad at it anyway) and so I was finally, finally able to relax. Recover.

Heal.

And then, Security Breach came out.

I've always been a FNAF fan--OG first game train, let's gooooooo--yet I didn't do anything in the fandom; but Security Breach was... different. Generally I avoid actively engaging with fandoms because I simply don't have the time or patience, but now, I did.

I wanted to enjoy it--enjoy the weird spin off content it created, at least a bit. I started an AU of my own. However, I still wasn't quite... 'there'. The true passion was only flickering embers in a dirty, worn out hearth.

So, early 2023, I indulged myself. I told myself "cringe is dead and I deserve to be happy". I collected Tiktoks, made OCs again, and just let myself have fun. I cleaned out the fireplace like Sophie in the Moving Castle.

I joined a fan server of a SB spin off series I enjoyed at the time. Some of you might know which one by the art, recognizing the pieces or my name.

I immersed myself in a fandom for a short time. I let myself be weird, happy, indulgent...

And suddenly, I was free.

I spoke to fellow artists inside and outside the server, helped younger artists with their fundamentals, drew fanart not for money but for love of the content, made fanfics and stories, revisited my AU I'd been chipping away at off and on... I remembered how I loved drawing to draw, to spread joy and support, not for money. I remembered how to create, not just make. Gained confidence in my choices and ability to write and layer characters.

Learned to love them with their flaws instead of hate them for just existing because they weren't "good enough".

I started to enjoy my own things again, and how to embrace being self-indulgent. To draw what I wanted because I want it, not because it was needed or expected. To take risks, be experimental again--to lean into my strengths of what my art is rather than force it to what I think it should be.

I also came to terms with the fact that, despite what my mind was trying to tell me, I was not a bad person at heart. I was cringy and cared a lot, sure, but drawing for myself wasn't selfish, wanting to be self-indulgent wasn't toxic--that I, fundamentally, was an imperfect person but that didn't mean I was bad or evil. Wanting validation for my effort wasn't wrong, but how I went about it before was detrimental to me.

"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it's source."

I took uncle Iroh's words to heart for the first time and worked to curbed my own ego, which had been the source of my artistic ennui (thanks Inside Out 2, for giving me that word) the entire time. By stepping toward the the edge where my pride had been holding me back, I realized I was not on the top of some great cliff where everyone could look up at me, but rather on a plateau no more impressive than a welcome mat on a porch. I had to accept I had quit climbing and settled in order to find the reason to climb again; once I stopped feeling like it was a race or competition to vie for attention from others, I could pace myself, avoid the exhaustion that had landed me on that plateau to begin with, and accept that I will reach the top when I'm ready, not when I think I should.

Now, at the end of 2023, I am basking in the satisfaction of having enjoyed myself, my art, in a way that healed me. Stopped me from despising my "talent".

I got to enjoy a few hours of going micro-viral on tiktok for Christmas, because I made something I actually wanted to make--something I cared about enough to share. It was unexpected, unplanned, but getting to see those numbers shoot up for something so small was like a stamp from the universe that proved what my best friend has been telling me all these years that my ego refused to latch onto.

"People can tell when you care about what you make, and when it's soulless trend fuel."

So, in conclusion, thank you.

Thank you, @quilandscroll for putting up with me and my dumbass artist ego all these years.

Thank you, Security Breach, for being the spark that reignited my rebirth as an artist, and to all the funny little blorbos I've met and talked to because of that fandom.

And thank you Sun and Moon, the silly, lanky bois that took that spark and turned it into a beacon with which I could navigate my own darkness with; for creating a safe space where I could be 13 again and just embrace my weirdness without fear of punishment.

2024 will hopefully be a big year as well. My goals are to learn to animate on Clip Studio and be comfortable with the system, to get the assets and refs prepped, and to release the first part of Legacy.

I want to share this project.

I want to bring inspiration and joy to the fandom that saved me from myself.

Oh, and if any of this sounded familiar or relatable to you...

I see you, and I love you.

See you all in 2024.

#security breach #year in review #artist journey #self discussion #got deep in my feels today #new years #holidays #struggle bus #looking back #hindsight is 20/20 #relatable #artists on tumblr #cringe is dead

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