#i hate myself for being passive and letting myself get disrespected and mistreated!! i was raised to stand up for myself and i always have

[capriszn]

i entered the workforce only 5 years ago right after graduating high school, but so far i‘ve never had employers and bosses i got along with (i mean DUH not like i gaf about any of these mfs??? actually praying on each one of you mfs downfall, early deaths and eternal damnation for your wicked souls too xoxoxo)…. i have fought with all of them and ended my contracts in genuinely unpleasant, distasteful NASTY ways and never gaf. yet it is my current boss who ive never really argued with that is an actual demon !!! DEMON!! and who has RUINED my sanity in the span of a year. mind you all of these were part time jobs and none of this shit is ever that serious, like we are not curing cancer here and i wont ever give 100% for ANY job that does not affect human life tf. but i currently work at a uni faculty and this one will actually matter on my CV so i feel really restricted with voicing my grievances for the first time!!! and i hate my own cowardice. i could easily stand up to adult men before and didnt allow them to abuse my labor, i also quit when i had enough of their bs (the privilege here is that i live with my parents and can afford to be broke without dire consequences to my livelyhood ofc!!) but rn….. this white woman in academia is my actual nightmare….. like of all the shaytan faced animals ive had to deal with she is the one i will namedrop in my future essays like the rage and actual animosity i feel towards her is that same hatred i have for politicians and police, she is unbearable and psychotic fr

#i am considering calling my grandma and having the village aunties put black magic on her like deadass this close to committing shirk #no cuz on gooood wallahi she is awful she deserves to be clapped #i hate myself for being passive and letting myself get disrespected and mistreated!! i was raised to stand up for myself and i always have #but this is the first time i feel powerless #all my other jobs were just part time jobs none of them matter for my further education #i need to do better i cant allow this workplace to trample on me just bc theres more risks now!! #staring at my reflection like WHO RAISED YOU WHO ARE YOUR ANCESTORS WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU GIRL STAND UP #anyways. feeling actually sick and i am afraid this witch has put me at risk of a heart attack #i want to quit so bad i always leave whenever i want but i wanted to do a full year with them…god. i feel like a sellout to my own morals #let this be my lesson!! i have to grow from this nightmare #also got a whiplash realizing i graduated 5 years ago bro what #personal

[totallyinedible]

Mother's Blessing

It's true what they say; if you're mother is not happy with you, nothing will go your way until you please her. Myth or not, it's happening. I'm not sure if this is the case, really. What I know though is that this has been a hell week, and it hasn't ended yet.

Let me start with my freelance project from last week. Yousef came to me and practically threw a project my way. It's unpaid, which is fine as I am credited as an editor and author. My issue with entire project was the extreme lack of organization. I understand that everything was last minute and I would have been able to accommodate that well into my unusually long (and highly anticipated) weekend. However, Yousef did not brief me well on the project. In fact, I received the working emails from Omar and I still had no idea what they wanted from me. I texted Omar saying that I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing. Omar was shocked and replied back telling me what I'm supposed to be doing. In a nutshell, Omar asked me to transcribe an hour-long audio that is spoken in 3arabeezi so that I can edit it into Classic Arabic and then translate it fully into English.

I'm not sure if at that point, Omar or Yousef were aware of how much time such thing requires, as well as how many pages that would take from their book. I complied, even though I was really in a dire need for that long weekend after working on the previous freelance project. I started on the project at home on Monday, visited their office on Tuesday to continue working in their presence, and then continued on the first day of my long weekend at their office. I got there at 16:00 and started transcribing again. I finished transcribing late evening and showed it to Yousef. Yousef was like, "we cannot have 4500 words in the book. We just wanted an introduction, not the interview as is." That wasn't told to me before I started working. Instead of transcribing 4500 words, I could have listened to the interview for one hour, while taking notes of the important things I'd like to discuss in the introduction. I wouldn't have wasted 3 days to work on something rendered useless at the end of it.

That by itself made me go nuts. I was already in a terrible mood throughout all of it, but this was like the last straw. Why would they make me do 3-days worth of work for me not to use it? That night, I wrote up a crappy draft of the introduction in English and called it a night... At 2.30 am. Next day, I really didn't want to see Yousef or Omar after what they've done to me and I decided to work from home. I did so, and I made plans that night to leave the house and take breather. I had to keep pushing the plans until it was 10:30. Hanna came and picked me up to watch a movie, but until then, I was going back and forth with Yousef about the text I've written and sent in English and Arabic. I decided to ignore my phone the entire hang out because I needed to take my mind off of things. As soon as Hanna dropped me back home, I find messages from Yousef asking me to join him at Starbucks. At that point, it was already 1 am. I wanted to murder him. But I said yes anyway. I went to Starbucks and ended up staying there till 5 am. I got in bed at 6 in the morning. It was not fun. I was furious. I wanted to kill someone. But at least the project was finished by then...

What wasn't finished by then though is my fluccuating state of mind. Earlier that day, and due to the stress, I ended up yelling at my mom for asking me her usual intrusive questions. As I just said, it's not uncommon for mom to put her nose in my business. But on Friday, she accused me of mistreating her friends, asked a million questions about my time at my friends' office, to which she knew the answers by the way, and then started asking me questions based on stalking me on Instagram. After that final question, I exploded and told her to stop asking me such questions and she yelled back the usual "I'm your mother, lower down your voice and watch your tone!" kinda thing.

She hasn't spoken to me since...

While it's really good that I am not getting questions for every move I make, this silent treatment is fucked up. On one hand, I'm not the kind of person who likes being on bad terms with his mother. I like there to be mutual respect. And even though I disrespected her 'authority', she did not have the right in the first place to question me like that. I usually play along, but I needed to be left alone on that day and that weekend. On the other hand, I expected her to calm down like she always does when we fight. I even got her Knafeh the next day as a silent form of apology, because she loves them and I never buy them for her. She refused to eat any of it, like she refuses to talk to me still. What's stopping from going and talking to her are two things; first is that my mom needs to understand that what she does is super nosy. I hate lying to my mom, but I am a private person. I have issues being fully open to my friends, let alone my control-freak of a mother. I don't want her to think that it's okay to keep meddling and asking things that I don't feel comfortable sharing with her.

Sometimes, I end up lying about things that are not worth lying about, such as who the friend I'm going out with is - simply because of the follow up questions. If I say something like, I'm going to Abdullah's, she won't ask anything afterwards for instance.

Am I happy with the current situation? Not one bit! It is weighing heavy on my heart and it's keeping my mind at an all-time depressed mode. My sleep is not comfortable, my work is distracted, and my presence with friends is passive. Which brings me to another topic; friends.

I've always had a deep problem with people who leave. October 4th, Karim, who's engagement party is today, leaves. On October 5th, Osama, who lives and works in Qatar but is here for a short vacation, leaves. On October 6th, Saif, who came back to Amman over a year ago and been having game nights with weekly ever since, leaves. That is 3 people that I interact with heavily. That is 3 people from IAA. That is 3 people I already said goodbye to before and was glad to find our ways back. I'm being selfish here, I realize that. Karim is in the middle of his pHD, and he needs to go back to UK to continue. Osama obviously cannot leave work, and in February embarks on his next adventure is a Master's student in Australia. Saif has got a super exclusive opportunity as a researcher at Harvard and he'd be an idiot to let it go.

I've said goodbye to the same people once we finished school, but this is not the same situation. Back then, I felt I was being left behind in terms of education. Everyone was getting top international education by some of the finest universities in the world. This time around, I do not have jealousy in me. I have accomplished a lot this year, and I'm sure that what I really want to pursue is coming down the line sooner or later. This time, I simply feel left behind - as a person, and as a friend.

This takes me to the next topic - work. For the past two weeks, it's been unstable at work. The atmosphere was too tense for my comfort and I ended up hitting up my boss's office for an open conversation about what's going on. While she told me I shouldn't be worried - and at this point, I no longer am - all of this opened the door for my mind to wander. As much as I love Bayt, I don't want to stay there forever. But there are big issues as to where I should head next.

For a while now, the idea of working in the video game industry has been dancing in my head. The only issue is that I don't know what I can offer the industry. I am an architect, not a designer. One great thing about working at Bayt is that it's giving me the chance to develop my design skills, but at this point my services will not be enough for anything any video game company would normally ask for. I would say writing is the way to go, but writing what exactly? This year I managed to have my name on 4 different publications, which should be a good support to help me land a position in a gaming company, but I cannot imagine what I'd be doing. Writing video game stories is something saved for experts and not newcomers. I can't say I have thought about it vigorously, but I am staying with Bayt for at least another year. As I said, I need to work on my design skills, and maybe now focus harder than before on that, so that when it's time to apply, I have a solid background to push me to the next level. In the meantime, I will try to find new freelance projects related to the gaming field.

I already feel slightly at ease after writing all this down. I have an engagement party to go to in a couple of hours and I was in no position to go with my state of mind. At least now, I am capable of maintaining a fake smile and maybe... Just maybe... Actually enjoy myself for the night. I hope my mom comes back to her senses before I end up losing mine...

Update: My dad fell off a ladder today, and my sister who is now in Paris was diagonized with anxiety and mild depression. I have no energy to discuss those after this post. I will try that later.