#i got mirror image i got dodge up i got secret bombs all over the battlefield

[mochegato]

Capturing a Dream

Chapter 6 – Nobody Wins in a No-Win Situation

Chapter 1          Chapter 5

“The most likely place for the hostages is on the mothership.  We need to get in there to free them.” Robin stated in a detached, authoritative voice.  “We’ll take a zeta tube nearby then have Superboy distract them so the rest of us can sneak on.  We find the victims and use Chimera’s portal to free them and KF’s speed to get them out. Chimera can cast an illusion to cover us getting out as well.  We need to save her powers for then.  We’ll need you to cover us while we free the victims, Superboy.”  The rest of the Team nodded at him, understanding their roles. “Now, you need to grab something to eat and rest.  We leave in an hour.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice to eat.” Kid Flash gave him an excited smile. He jumped bumping into Superboy excitedly and throwing his arm over his shoulder as they made their way out of the room.  “We’re going to rescue her, all of them.”  Superboy smiled back at him before turning to Chimera.  She smiled but motioned with her head for him to go ahead.  She moved over to the console Robin was studying to finalize his plans.  As soon as the door closed, leaving only them in the room, she quietly asked, “Are you ready for this?”

He hesitated for a moment but continued examining the images of the mothership.  “Since I was nine.” He answered solemnly.

A wry smile spread on her face, “Well, you’ve got me beat.  Eleven for me.”

They stood in silence for a few moments, pretending to focus on the mothership. “Are you ready?” He asked her.

She nodded, eyes still directed toward the screens.  “I just need to wish Conner good luck.”

Robin looked down and took a deep breath.  “I’m sorry.”

Chimera looked over to him with a strained smile.  “It’s what our lives were always leading to, isn’t it?  What we’ve been preparing for since we were little kids?  One way or another it was always going to end like this.”  They looked at each other for a few moments before Chimera reached over to hug him.  “But, I’m glad I got to meet you.”

Robin hugged her back tightly, “Me too.”  She patted his back and pulled away, moving to the door to follow the others. “Wally doesn’t know.” He spoke up suddenly.  “Should I… should I tell him?”

She turned her head in his direction without fully facing him.  “Neither does Conner.  And they can’t know.  We can’t tell them.  Nothing we say will change what has to happen.  They can be happier longer if we don’t.”  Robin nodded to the confirmation of his thoughts and turned back to the screen.

Superboy was just finishing his sandwich when Chimera walked in.  She smiled as soon as he saw her and walked immediately over to him.  He hugged her tight, grounding himself by holding her.  “I’m worried about you doing this.” She whispered.

“I have to do it.  It’s what Superman would do.”  He brushed her bangs behind her ear and cupped her face.  “I’ll be okay.  I have too much to live for.”  He reassured her.

She smiled at him and leaned into his hand.  “You don’t have to do what Superman would do.  You’re just as good, better to me.”

He preened at her praise, but he couldn’t give in.  He had to do this for them, for her.  He had to do everything he could to protect them and give them the chance to save the hostages.  And even if he didn’t survive, at least he would have saved her.  Because that’s what you do for the people you love.  “But I do have to do this.”

She pushed up to kiss him, wrapping her arms around his neck.  He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him.  Their lips slid against each other’s in a magical sensation that electrified his body. After a few minutes she pulled away slightly, pressing her forehead to his.  “When this is all over, I want to show you who I am.” She whispered.

He pulled away with a look of surprise.  “Are you sure?”

She nodded, looking up at him with her big, beautiful, blue eyes under her lashes. “I don’t want any more secrets.  I want us to be able to be completely open with each other.”  

Superboy smiled brightly at her and hugged her even tighter.  “I have even more to live for then.  I can’t wait to fully meet you.”

“Am I included in this?  I’d like to fully meet you too.” Kid Flash grinned at them as he leaned against the counter, drinking from his mug.

Superboy threw a dish towel at him that Kid Flash dodged with a laugh.  “Get out of here, Wally.” He growled at him.

“We all need to get out of here.” Robin interrupted.  “It’s time to go.”

“It hasn’t been an hour,” Kid Flash whined.

“The sooner we get moving, the sooner we rescue the hostages and the fewer hostages there are to rescue.” Robin reminded him.

“Right.” Kid Flash agreed, sobering quickly.  “Let’s go get our girl and our friends.”

<><><><><> 

Superboy peeked around the corner of the building they were hiding in, taking note of the guard ships and turrets.  He turned back to his teammates with a grim look of determination. “Everyone ready?”

Robin and Kid Flash looked at each other before turning to Superboy with mirrored looked of determination and nodded.  Chimera pushed up to give him a quick peck on the lips.  “I’ll see you on the other side.” She whispered quietly.

Superboy cupped her face.  “Yes you will.  We’re not done yet.”  He smiled and kissed her again.  He took a deep breath and jumped onto the mothership, destroying the first turret.  He dodged a shot and jumped to the next turret, ripping it from the ship and throwing it at the third turret, destroying it in the process as well.  He dodged a volley of incoming shots and jumped to the final turret.  He pushed it to fire on one of the ships approaching him. The ship exploded in a mass of fire and light.  

While Superboy was causing a destructive distraction, Kid Flash carried Robin and Chimera into the ship.  Just as Robin had expected, his speed was affected with the extra weight but only slightly, not enough for the aliens to discover them.  Luckily for Kid Flash, Chimera felt as light as a feather to him.  Kid Flash stopped and dropped them behind a support beam, using it as cover while Robin scanned the ship, searching for the survivors and gaining a schematic for it. Kid Flash and Chimera kept watch for aliens.  They spotted a ship heading toward them and pulled Robin further behind the beam in the hopes the ship would miss them.  They braced themselves for the worst before feeling the blowback from the ship exploding.  

Kid Flash and Chimera looked up and saw Superboy standing next to the turret and looking down at them with concern.  Chimera smiled appreciatively and yelled “Focus.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he yelled back with a grin, turning back toward the aliens. But he turned back a moment too late. Kid Flash and Chimera watched as Superboy’s body disintegrated in front of their eyes.

“Superboy!” Chimera screamed out.

Kid Flash grabbed her around the waist and pulled her against the wall before any alien ships could see them.  “It’s okay. We’ll rescue him when we rescue the rest of them.” He reassured her confidently.

Chimera looked him in the eyes and nodded resolutely.  “Right.  Let’s go get our boy.”

As soon as they made it back to Robin, he checked over Chimera. “You okay?”

Chimera straightened up and nodded.  “I’m totally whelmed.  Let’s finish this.”  She pushed past them moving toward the core of the ship.

“Wait, do you know where the hostages are?” Kid Flash asked uncertain, following behind her.

“I’m not getting any readings of any humans on this ship,” Robin reported gravely. “They weren’t taken hostage, they were killed.  The only thing left is to destroy the ship. We need to get to the core of the ship and set off the bombs.”

Kid Flash looked at him in shock.  “You knew,” he whispered hoarsely.  “This was your plan all along.”  He turned to Chimera.  “And you? Did you know?”

She looked away from his eyes and paused as if unsure what to say.  “There was always a chance.  We need to move now before they find us again.”  

Kid Flash’s eyes hardened.  “We are going to talk about this when we get out of here.” He growled at them before storming ahead, down the hallway.  Robin looked over to Chimera giving her a dark look that she returned.  

They finally found their way to the core and looked around in awe.  “Where do we start?” Kid Flash asked, eyes wide from taking in the massive expanse before them.  There were multiple levels with platforms reaching out part of the way into the space and no apparent connection between the platforms and no rails along the edges.

Robin examined the scans again and pointed to a platform above them.  Before they could start formulating a plan to get to the platform, there was a blinding light, disorienting them.  When the light disappeared, the floor under them started tilting like there had been an explosion nearby.  The platform tilted and they started sliding toward the edge. Kid Flash grabbed Robin’s outstretched hand and tried to grab Chimera’s but missed her.  Robin shot his grappling hook, trying to find leverage on something but all the edges were too smooth and couldn’t catch on anything.  

Robin and Kid Flash looked around as they fell trying to formulate any plan they could with the available resources, which were none.  Suddenly, there was another bright flash of light and they found themselves on the platform they needed to be on.  They both shook their heads trying to shake the momentary confusion that had struck them both.  “Chi must have portaled us here,” Kid Flash offered uncertainly.  They looked around frantically, searching for Chimera.  Kid Flash ran to the edge of the platform, looking for where Chimera landed but didn’t see her or her body anywhere.

“Let’s get these set.” Robin said calmly, pulling the explosives off his bandolier.

“She’s… she’s dead.” Kid Flash breathed out disbelievingly.

“Let’s set these before more people join her.” Robin responded without looking up.

Kid Flash set his mouth in a determined line and nodded to him helping set up the bombs.  When they were in place and the timer set, they looked at each other with a resolved look and turned to look out at the ship’s core again, not bothering to search for a way out.  Kid Flash had finally come to the same realization Robin had come to before the missions started.  They weren’t making it out of this.

Robin closed his eyes waiting for the inevitable and jumped when he felt something hit him.  But the blow wasn’t followed by pain or heat of an explosion.  Curious, he opened his eyes to see a portal in front of him.  He turned to Kid Flash with a confused look. They closed their eyes and walked through.

When Robin opened his eyes again, he saw the very much intact ceiling of the Cave. He looked around confused about where he was.  He was laying down.  Why was he laying down?  He sat up and looked around to find Kaldur, Wally, and Conner also sitting up with confused expressions on their faces.

“Conner! Wally! Kaldur! Robin!  You guys are okay!” Chimera yelled gratefully.  She was crying grateful tears as she moved from one to the other, checking their eyes and reassuring herself they were okay.  She checked Robin over twice before she moved onto Conner, who she examined a bit longer than the rest, her hands lingered on his shoulders.  Conner stared at her unsure how to respond, confused by the change of reality.

Robin looked a bit further and saw Batman supporting a weak looking Martian Manhunter.  Standing next to them, Artemis looking at them with a concerned frown.  “How are you guys feeling?”

Robin grabbed his head trying to still the whirling thoughts and dual realities struggling for dominance, wiping away the sweat that was dripping from his forehead. “What happened?”

“The exercise… it all went wrong.” Martian Manhunter answered, holding his head.

“Exercise?” Robin asked uncertainly.

Batman stepped forward.  “Try to remember.  What you experienced was a training exercise.  Manhunter psychically linked the five of you within an artificial reality. You all knew this going in.  What you didn’t know was it was a train for failure exercise.”  Chimera gasped and pulled back from her position in front of Conner, a look of horror in her eyes.  “No matter what the Team accomplished, the scenario was designed to grow worse. Still you were aware nothing was real.  Including the deaths of the entire Justice League.”

“How… how bad did it get?” Chimera asked tentatively.

“Apocalypse,” Kaldur whispered out, his eyes glazed over from the memory.  “It was an apocalyptic event.  Billions dead.  We… we couldn’t stop them.”  Chimera’s heart clenched and she pulled away even further.

“But you were supposed to know it was an exercise. And at first, you did.  That is why you hardly grieved, even when Wolf and Artemis were disintegrated in front of your eyes.” Martian Manhunter added. “But all that changed when…”

“It was my fault.” Chimera interrupted, looking down and refusing to meet any of their eyes.  She wrapped her arms around herself.  The guilt of what she can only imagine she put them through was eating at her. It was a no-win scenario. Everything they did was destined to fail.  No matter how hard they tried, no matter how outside of the box they thought, no matter whether they asked for help or didn’t, they were going to fail.  Going into it, they would have been able to take the loss in stride, ego bruised, nothing more, but…

“My…” she hesitated searching for the right way to explain what happened without exposing too much. “… powers got bored and noticed the illusion Martian Manhunter was casting.  H… They…It wanted to help and make it more realistic and…” she shook her head.  “I wasn’t watching them.  I should have watched them.  I shouldn’t have lost control.  I’m so sorry.” She finished miserably.  She had already lived through a real life no-win scenario.  She still hadn’t fully recovered from it.  If her team had gone through anything like that because of her...

Conner jumped up to pull her into a hug.  He burrowed his face into her hair.  “It’s not your fault.  The exercise must have seemed real to you and you reacted.  Part of being involved is that you lose some control.  It isn’t your fault.”

Chimera pulled away from him shaking her head desperately.  “I wasn’t though.  I wasn’t part of the exercise for exactly that reason.  I can’t lose control and I did anyway.”

Conner dropped his arms from around her waist.  “You… you weren’t in the exercise?”

“But, we saw you there.  You were in it.” Kaldur stated still trying to make sense of what happened.

“It wasn’t her.  It was a construction of her you created.  You noticed your teammate was not there and hadn’t been among those who died, so you added her to the illusion.”  Martian Manhunter supplemented.

“It wasn’t you.” Conner repeated breathlessly. His eyes unfocused and his heartrate picked up.  It wasn’t her.  It wasn’t her he had been kissing.  It wasn’t her that admitted to wanting to be with him.  It wasn’t her that said she didn’t want any more secrets between them.

Chimera shook her head and looked at him with wide, terrified eyes.  “Did I… did I do something bad in the illusion?”

“No,” Kid Flash answered quickly.  “No, you were very helpful.  That explains why you used the word ‘whelmed’ though.  That must have been when Robin was controlling illusion you.” He tried to joke to lighten the mood.

Robin looked through her, facing her but not seeing her, reconsidering their interactions.  Finally he nodded, a look of muted horror in his eyes.  “You told us what we wanted to hear, what we needed to hear to keep going… to do what we thought we needed to do.  But that was just us.  We made ourselves to what we did.”  He looked away, guilt melding with the horror in his eyes.  Chimera stared at him letting what he said settle in her head… ‘What they needed to do’… what had they ‘needed’ to do?

Chimera examined Conner, noting that he refused to look at her and recoiled from her touch.  She pulled away further, almost fully against the wall.  Her breathing picked up as the weight of what they must have gone through and the guilt for what she let happen started taking over. Artemis rushed over to her.  “It wasn’t your fault.  You did everything you could as soon as you found out and we didn’t know what kind of exercise it was.  We did everything we could.”

“You should have stopped the exercise.” Wally added angrily, turning on Martian Manhunter.

“I tried, but I couldn’t overpower Chimera’s power.  Her power made the illusion feel real to you and to me and gave you the power to take over most of the elements of the simulation.  You should have woken up after you died, like Artemis did.  But you all believed you had died so you slipped into a coma.”

“You thought you were dead?” Chimera gasped horrified.

“Not all of us,” Robin said quietly.  

Instead of calming her, it made Chimera more frantic, knowing she had caused them to believe that.  She looked at each of them one at a time, figuring out who had died from their refusal to look at her and choked back a sob.  “I’m so sorry guys.  I’m so, so sorry.  I… I’ll… I can make something for you to eat!  Some comfort food… or I can grab some blankets… Oh! Movie night!  I can… we can have a movie night.”  She rambled, frantically searching for some way to comfort them.  “I’ll start on some food.”

She backed away from them and rushed to the kitchen to make… she didn’t know what, but she needed to do something.  Something to help her Team.  Something to make it up to them.  Something to keep them from spiraling into anger and frustration and resentment.  Something to keep them from doubting themselves and each other, from focusing on the guilt from what they had ‘needed to do’.  She had been down this road.  She had seen what experiencing that kind of absolute desolation could do, the extremes it could push someone to.  

The first time she’d seen it, it destroyed the world and her brother.  The last time she’d seen it, she saw what she could do if she ever let go of her control, if she ever let herself go there, if she ever believed there were no options left.  She shuddered at the thought, another wave of guilt rolling over her.  She had been able to reverse all the damage, erase all evidence it had ever happened, but she couldn’t erase the effects on herself.

Going through something like that, even if you reverse the damage, even if you find out it wasn’t real, knowing what you are capable of and what you’re not, never really leaves you.  She still hadn’t recovered.  It was why she was here.  It was why Batman wanted her here.  She wasn’t going to just sit by and watch her Team go through that alone.

She spotted the cupcakes she and Conner had baked earlier that morning and decided to make the frosting to finish it.  Maybe she could make some cookies too.  Those would be easy to pop into their mouths without thinking.  Maybe some pain au chocolat?  She quickly pulled out the ingredients and started up the mixer.  She kept herself busy so she wouldn’t be able to think. She didn’t want to think and baking was something she could do without thinking.  Time could pass in the blink of an eye when she was baking.  

Before she knew it, she was pulling another tray of cookies out of the oven and replacing it with the last tray.  She looked around the kitchen in a bit of a panic. She couldn’t be done already. There had to be more.  She spotted the naked cupcakes and remembered she still had to frost them.  She grabbed the bowl of frosting she had made earlier and started stirring it to soften it again.  She leaned against the counter as she stirred.  She stared absentmindedly, forgetting to block her thoughts.  

She stared at the Cave wall opposite her. The stark, lifeless, desolate wall. No indication of life existing but bearing the marks of fires and explosions that had reached it when the Reds attacked.  More explosions and fire flashed in her mind, screaming, shouting, begging so loud she couldn’t hear anything else.  She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head.  That wasn’t real, it wasn’t happening.  She heard whimpering and her heart started pounding, her breath became ragged.  “No, no, no,” she mumbled to herself, her tears falling freely.  

She heard an alarm ring next to her and she let out a yelp in surprise and dropped the bowl she was holding.  She looked around frantically, realizing she was alone and safe in the Cave.  The alarm sounded again and she recognized it as the oven timer.  She hastily wiped her tears and grabbed the cookies out of the oven.

She took a steadying breath, trying to calm her rapid breathing.  She knelt down to pick up the pieces of broken bowl, reaching out for the pieces with shaking hands.  She felt a pressure on her shoulder and lashed out to punch the attacker.  Conner deflected her blow, laying his hand on her arm gently.  He knelt next to her and reached out to her but hesitated and pulled his hand back. He didn’t know if his comfort would be wanted.  That was a lie.  He knew it wasn’t welcome.  The Chimera whispering sweet words to him, pulling him in for kisses, and seeking comfort from him was an illusion.  Those was his desires, not hers.  But he couldn’t just sit back and watch her cry without doing something.  He still had to try to help.  “I heard the bowl break.  I didn’t mean to scare you.” He said cautiously, trying to respect her boundaries.

She watched him pull back from the corner of her eye and that made it all feel so much worse.  He was now flinching away from her.  He must blame her for what happened, even if he didn’t do it consciously, he must associate her with the exercise and the pain it caused.  The tears fell harder.  “I’m sorry.  I wasn’t…” She looked up at him and tried to wipe away the concern and guilt dripping from her eyes.  “How are you?  Are you okay?”

He stared at her for a few seconds unsure how to respond.  He wasn’t sure how he felt, he just knew he wasn’t happy and that definitely wasn’t what she needed to hear.  He hadn’t processed everything that happened and didn’t want to.  He just wanted to forget the whole miserable, euphoric, fictional experience.  But he couldn’t.  He couldn’t get the images out of his head or the feelings.  He had felt needed.  He had felt important and now he was back to who he was before, nobody special, especially not to her.  “I’m fine,” he growled out instead.  “How are you?”

She winced at his tone and pulled away from him, feeling his anger and believing it was aimed toward her.  She looked away from him, focusing on the ground between them. “I’m fine,” she said quietly.

Conner stared at her incredulously.  She clearly wasn’t fine.  Normally, when she had a problem she would open up to him, eventually tell him what she was feeling.  He didn’t have to say anything, just letting her talk was enough, which was good because he never knew what to say.  Comforting words were her thing.  Action was his.  Talking it out seemed to help her, but she was holding back now.  Why was she holding back?  He couldn’t help her if she held back.  “You’re not,” he was close to yelling at her.

“Well, neither are you,” she yelled back at him.

He scrunched up his face in anger and frustration.  He wanted to comfort her and comfort himself by holding her and burying his head in her neck.  Ground himself in her embrace, let her scent relax him.  But he couldn’t touch her anymore, not like he did in the exercise. He couldn’t hug her and he definitely couldn’t kiss her anymore.  He didn’t know how to comfort her without touching her.  He didn’t know how to calm himself without feeling her touch.  He clenched his fists, focusing on not yelling at her again.  “I’m going to bed.”  He ground out between clenched teeth as he turned around quickly and left her alone.

Chimera collapsed back against the lower cabinets with her knees pulled up to her chin.  She dropped her head onto her knees and started crying harder.  She felt a pressure against her knees and a very familiar whining sound next to her.  She looked up and saw Wolf nudging her to let him lay his head in her lap.  She huffed out a bitter laugh and patted him a few times before pulling her knees closer to her chest.

<><><><><> 

Sleep was not a good idea for him tonight. Every time Conner closed his eyes he saw aliens or Chimera smiling at him before his mind reminded him that neither of those were real.  He tossed and turned for hours.  Wolf should have been by his side by now trying to cuddle with him to comfort him. Well into the night, closer to sunrise than sunset, he grunted and finally got up to see where Wolf had wandered off to… and maybe grab a few of the cookies Chimera had made.  His chest tightened at the reminder of seeing her while making them.  He lost his breath remembering how he had reacted to her.  He could never seem to find the right words for her.

He finally found Wolf outside Chimera’s door. “Wolf!” he chastised him in a whispered shout.  “Leave her door alone.  We’re not allowed in there.”  Wolf whined at him and turned back to the door scratching at it.  Conner let out a long sigh and moved to pull him away.  He put his hand on her door, pretending she could feel it, wishing she could feel his contrition.  He started to turn away before he heard muffled cries coming from her room.  His heartrate skyrocketed in a matter of seconds.  “Chi!”  He pounded on the door.  “Chi! Are you okay?”

The sounds went away and there was nothing but silence again.  He was beginning to believe he imagined the whole thing but Wolf was still nosing at the crack between the door and the doorjamb with a whine.  He hadn’t imagined it.  Something was going on.  “Chi?” He pounded on the door again.

He raised his fist to pound again when the door opened.  Chimera was standing in front of him rubbing her sleepy, red, puffy eyes.  “Hey, Conner.  What’s going on?”

He looked at her with an overwhelming sense of concern and grabbed her pulling her to him in a tight hug before he could overthink it and talk himself out of it.  He buried his head in her hair and felt the tension leave his body as her body relaxed and hugged him back, holding onto him like a lifeline.  They only pulled away from each other when Wolf started whining and nosing between them to be included.  Chimera smiled down at him and started petting him.

“I didn’t want to interrupt, I know you like to keep your room off limits, but Wolf was scratching at the door and when I came to get him I heard screams.” Conner said cautiously, keeping his arm around her waist.

Chimera kept her focus on Wolf.  “Oh,” she said quietly.  “It’s nothing.” She looked up at him with a fake smile.  “How about you?  Couldn’t sleep?  I can make you some hot chocolate or calming tea.”

He looked at her skeptically, but didn’t want to push her.  “Sure,” he nodded cautiously.

“Right,” she agreed quietly, curling into his side as they walked to the kitchen.  “So, hot chocolate or tea?” she asked pulling away to start grabbing ingredients.

“Hot chocolate,” he answered evenly, observing her as she moved.  She worked in silent, jittery movements, refusing to look at him.

Once the hot chocolate was made and they had both been sitting for a few minutes in silence, Conner decided to finally broach the subject.  “So… you going to tell me what that was about?” Conner asked staring at his hot chocolate.

Chimera jumped at the sudden conversation, almost spilling her hot chocolate.  She glanced up at him for a second noting his rigid posture, his tense eyes, his pursed lips. She glanced away quickly and curled in on herself again.  “It was nothing.  I’m fine.”

Conner groaned and shoved away from the counter rounding on her.  “Stop lying. You’re not fine,” he yelled.

“I’m better than whatever you had to go through and I’m not going to sit here and complain to you about how the experience you had to go through, affected me.”  She yelled back at him.  “And stop yelling at me, you big, lumbering oaf!”

He huffed and turned back to his cup.  “Sorry,” he grumbled into his cup.  After a few more sips he spoke up again.  “I wasn’t that affected by it.  I’m fine.”

Chimera scoffed at him.  “Stop lying.  You’re not fine,” she parroted back to him.

He glared at her for a few moments before turning away.  “I don’t know how I feel and I didn’t want to make it worse for you,” he grumbled.

“Oh no, getting screamed at was much better,” she snorted.  She looked down at her hands for a few moments and when she finally spoke up again her voice was timid and shaky.  “I didn’t know it was a train for failure exercise.  I didn’t know that’s what you were going through until Batman said it. I… I could have done more.  I should have done more to pull you out sooner. I tried.”  She looked over to him, her eyes pleading for him to understand. “I did try, but right after the first time, something happened to Kaldur and… and I was worried about what the strain would do to you guys.  I thought letting it play out would lessen the damage.  And I thought it was just a regular exercise so I… I didn’t know the toll it was taking on you.  After the same thing happened to you that happened to Kaldur even without my intervention, I figured it was the simulation, not my intervention and I was finally able to stop it after a few tries.”  She wiped away the tears that started falling.  “I should have tried harder sooner.  I’m sorry.”

Conner sighed and pulled her into a hug, because they were friends damn it.  They hugged before the simulation and they would keep doing it.  It just wouldn’t mean what it had in the simulation.  It wouldn’t mean what he wanted it to mean. He would just have to learn to stuff that electric feeling he felt whenever he touched her, deep down and lock it away.  “You made the best choices you could with the information you had.  And, it didn’t affect me that badly.”

Chimera pulled away from him to look him in the eyes again, a frantic look in her eyes.  “You thought you died!” she cried out.

“And I was okay with that,” he cried out just as loudly.  He sighed and looked out across the common area.  “And I was okay with that because it meant I helped.  It meant I sacrificed myself to save you… all of you.  It was something only I could do.  I was needed.  Not like now.”

“You’re already needed, Conner.  We all need you.  The Team can’t function without you.  We never would have survived Yellowstone or Bwunda without you.”  She looked at him sincerely.  “And I need you to know how important you are to me.  How much of a difference you make to me.  I…” she looked around for she didn’t know what, inspiration maybe.  Conner looked at her with hopeful eyes.  Her eyes settled back on him.  “I… I’ve been through a lot… a lot. And having someone around to support me, to understand me, to call me out on things, that’s what I need to recover.”

Conner deflated at the words.  “That’s nothing special.  Anyone could do that.”

“It is special and no they can’t.  It wasn’t something I was getting before I came here. It isn’t something Superman could do. I need people I can trust to be there for me, people I understand and I know understand me.  Superman doesn’t and couldn’t.  My parents don’t.  My friends don’t… well one kind of can, but he’s going through so much himself…” she looked away at the memory before turning back to him with pleading eyes. “But you do.  You talk to me, you interact with me in a way that hits me, that gets through all the anxiety, fear, and doubt.  Not everyone can do that, almost nobody.  I need you… and our other teammates,” she added on quickly, blushing slightly at the words she was saying.  “You, all of you, are special to me and more important to me than the Justice League. You’re my Team, not just because we were assigned to each other, but because we fit together.”

Conner stared at her speechlessly, breathlessly. She needed him.  She had said it.  He helped her in a way nobody else could.  But in the same breath reminded him she was a teammate.  And as she had said time and time again, she doesn’t date teammates.  But she needed him.  She needed her teammate and if he was being honest with himself, he needed her too.  It wasn’t the way he wanted to be needed, but he was needed.  He pulled her into a hug, and rested his head on hers and sighed.  “Found family, right?” He swallowed down the bitter taste the words left on his tongue.

She smiled and hugged him tighter, slowing down her rapidly beating heart.  “Right. Found Family.”  She wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince herself or him.

He nodded and flicked his eyes over to the television.  “How about that movie night?”

She pulled away and gave him a small smile. “That sounds good.”

Chapter 7

Tags:

@mickylikesstuff​ @mystery-5-5​ @roguishredaxion​ @vroomtaka​ @laurcad123​ @just-an-observer-ignore-me​ @emimar7​ @moonlightstar64​ @maribat-writing-and-prompts​ @aespades​ @yokomisaki​ @glastwime859​ @mysticknown​ @glastwime859 @fan-written @stackofrandomstuff @jalaluvsu @ultimatetornshipper @charme-de-malchan @lozzybowe @deathwishy @too0bsessedformyowngood @kokotaru @ichigorose  @nathleigh

#capturing a dream #maribat #connette #connernette #connor x marinette #conner x marinette

[another-fckn-incorrect-svt-blog]

im a new carat and trying to learn seventeen's names and everything. are there any fandom inside jokes and songs by them that you can reccomend to me?? :D

Oh Hello new carat!!! Welcome to the family!

Hmmm lemme think how best to answer this - I know there are a good number of really good ‘Guide to Svt’ videos on youtube so I super recommend those!! Here is my (abbreviated) intro to the members, including some of my favorite moments from each: Seungcheol: Leader but also Baby.  An absolute sweetheart, would die to protect this man.  Favorite meme moments include when he ate a whole tube of toothpaste to keep the other members from getting it, his Dorky Dad Dancing or his ‘YAWAWOOOO!’.

Jeonghan: I call him Con Artist because he is. This boy is so Clever, and I relate to him because I too attempt to cheat at every game.  He is one half of the Evil Twins who like to (lovingly) bully Seungcheol. Favorite moments include Every Time he’s cheated in a game and how willing he is to sleep at Any Time.

Joshua: Acts like a gentleman, is just as evil as his twin.  Don’t believe the ‘church boy’ image PLEDIS tried to push for him.  Favorite meme moments include his ‘sexy’ dance and... whatever went on when he was inflating a bottle with his nose. 

Junhui: My bias, I love this boy Literally so much.  He’s a bit of a shy bean but he’s also Weird As Fuck.  Favorite moments include the strange dubbing videos he kept posting where he was providing voices for corgis and other animals, his excitement over his hot dog cooking machine and every time he mirrors whatever the others are doing (it’s really cute). 

Soonyoung: Performance leader, absolute Meme, the Ultimate Gemini (legit he is gemini in Every house).  Fun fact I want to fight him because he jumped in front of me at a random dance play and scared the SHIT out of me.  Kind of a furry but we love him for it.  Favorite moments include breaking into Jihoon’s studio to record a song about tigers & that time he almost fought some sasaengs.

Wonwoo: Probably in possession of SVT’s only braincell except it also goes on vacation sometimes.  A beautiful, intelligent and sensitive nerd who I would commit crimes to protect. Favorite meme is definitely his line in Home where Carats all yell back at him in a super deep voice. Also his ‘hamburger’ aegyo is fucking cute.

Jihoon: Vocal leader, Genius Producer, literal definition of Tsundere. Probably has the braincell whenever Wonwoo doesn’t.  He writes and produces nearly all of SVT’s songs - we STAN a hardworking man.  Favorite meme moments include when he tried to hit Mingyu with a guitar and when he dodged everyone’s hugs onstage and ended up lifting one of the others over his shoulder.

Mingyu: The gentle giant, world’s biggest puppy dog. Essentially a real-life mary su - handsome, talented, but extremely clumsy.  Can do no wrong, please protect him from himself. Favorite moments include every single time he’s dropped or broken something on camera, or his ‘AKITA SOUND!!!’

Seokmin: Someone help this boy I love him so much but he has No Braincells.  Negative Braincells. But it’s okay because he’s so pure and sweet and has one of if not The most powerful voice in kpop. Favorite moments include when he touched some noodles and was so shook that his soul left his body, or just his general Screaming.

Minghao: A wine-drinking eboy art hoe and we Love him for it.  Our fashion king, models everywhere are Shaking. Drops some Wisdom Bombs every now and then, we stan a woke king. Favorite moments include doing acrobatics out of Nowhere without his glasses even falling off, and every time he’s So Done with Jun.

Seungkwan: The world’s sassiest and yet sweetest angel, an absolute Icon. Like Seokmin probably has some of the most powerful vocals in kpop, but is also an absolute Variety King. Comedians everywhere have nothing on this boy. Favorite moments include at the Ode To You tour where any time a member talked too long he yelled ‘IT’S NOT YOUR SOLO CONCERT!’ and his outrage over someone else getting Beyonce as their meyer’s briggs type.

Vernon: This boy.  A living meme. Also a fashion icon but in like. The opposite direction from Minghao. Everything he does is so fucking funny how does he do it? Also super sweet and has the best heart.  Favorite moments include all his Meme reactions, and when he and Joshua went bungee jumping.

Chan: The future of kpop. An absolute ball of talent and passion, puts 120% into everything he does. Can do Anything, be Anything, and we will support him 120%. Favorite moments include all of his Dino’s Danceology’s, and the absolute regret on his face every time he’s forced to say he’s Jeonghan’s Baby until he’s 30.

And now for some of my favorite songs!

Title Tracks - Hit, Fear, Clap, Getting Closer, Adore U

Ot13 b-sides - Good to Me, Holiday, Crazy in Love, Snapshoot, My My

Japanese Tracks - 24H, Fallin’ Flower, Call Call Call

Unit songs - Change up (Leader line), My I (China line), Rocket (American line), Just Do It (Booseoksoon), Lilili yabbay (Performance Team), Don’t Listen in Secret (Vocal Team), Check In (Hip Hop team) 

Sorry this got so long, I hope it was somewhat helpful or at least amusing!  Again welcome to the family - in my experience Carats are one of the most welcoming & friendly fandoms, so I hope you enjoy your time here and with seventeen!!

#chet talks #hush up chet #long post for ts #long post // #Anonymous

[girlofmanyfandoms]

What do you think the council's would have felt after the fight between the council and the black swan where Fitz gets impaled when there back in the lost cities and it hits them that they nearly killed a teenager and he probably has a scar from that encounter?

Ooh, buckle up, buttercup, because I have a LOT to say.

Trigger warnings: Mentions of war, Mentions of kidnapping

Warnings: Spoilers for Keeper of the Lost Cities, Looong response

Clarette was the one at fault for Fitz getting impaled. She was the one who was more concerned with the wellbeing of the Arthropleura, than the wellbeing of the boy who “betrayed” them. I, for one, think the Council was completely irresponsible. They take the Black Swan as a rebel group, but why? I can only think of one real reason.

They genetically altered an elven child, and sent her to the Forbidden Cities, bringing her back when she was 12 - Ok, so this one, I can kind of understand. It’s not right to take genes from two random elves, put the egg in a human, which they were sworn to stay away from for the protection of the planet, and leave the elf there, among the humans, only being watched on by the leader of the organization, who was disguised as an old man next door. Super weird, super creepy, not ethically correct, and illegal. But rebellious?

Sure, the Forbidden Cities are off limits, hence the “Forbidden” part of the name. But can we take a second to understand why? With the information we got in Nightfall, we know that Atlantis was sunk because they needed to cut off all connections with humans. But what happened before that? In Nightfall, we’re told of a golden statue that depicts a human and an elf, standing together in unity. Underneath lies Vespera’s Nightfall, where she kidnapped humans, brought them into what is essentially a torture chamber, and tried to understand how they could do such horrible things with having their minds break when elven minds break completing the same action. She understood how to become close to invincible, and how, in some things, humans are superior to elves.

I’m gong to give you a moment to understand how truly demented this is. Vespera is an ancient elf, just like Bronte, and was among those who got to experience a time where humans and elves lived in unity. Humans walked on the same land as elves and traded market secrets and works of technology, among other things. They were already allies, and they were pretty close, considering there was a statue of them together.

Vespera, an already powerful Empath, wanted to gain the upper hand, gain more power, and consequently gain more status and trust. Vespera wanted to rise above everyone else. Her motive, we’re unsure of, but from what I’ve gathered, she’s power-hungry. So, in order to gain that power, she spent months building her torture chamber under the symbol of the unity of the two species. It was not only the last place someone would look if any information was spilled, it had a beautifully cruel meaning to it, almost mocking. Then, she started kidnapping some human allies, ones that she knew were capable of horrid things, and locked them in the rooms full of mirrors, so they could only see the same images again and again, never knowing where they were coming from. You can also assume that there were other types of torture rooms, all centered around finding out a human’s breaking point, and how they can distance themselves from such guilt.

The Council finds out that humans are going missing, and the humans allies are agitated and enraged. What have their elven allies been doing to their species? Was this all a trap? The Council denies having anything to do with human disappearances and pledges to do what they can to find them. But this isn’t enough to satisfy the humans. They start an uprising, they revoke all resources and trades in place, they plan a defense and attack strategy. Bronte is among the Councillors at that time, and tries to urge his colleagues to take action and clear up the issues, but they’re out of ideas, and their alliances with the other Intelligent Species weaken with each human threat. The goblins and ogres are urging the elves to go to war. The gnomes heed of danger to the economy and population. The trolls and dwarves threaten to leave the alliance with the threat of war hanging over everyone’s head. The humans have powerful weapons, and with their ability of committing murder and other such acts without their minds breaking, the Council knows they won’t hesitate to use them. Besides, what do the elves have? An obscurer and some measly melders? They have no choice. They must run the last bit of humans out of Atlantis and sink the city. They do, and let a few generations pass. The secret is forgotten, and they are safe.

Eventually, they decide to try again, with the Human Assistance Program (HAP). A select group of elves, presumably Emissaries, go undercover and help the humans advance their technology, as well as their view of elves, making elves seem like a mythical creature. There were certain positives with this: electricity, penicillin, Lord of the Rings, chocolate cake, Twinkies. But in the middle of World War II, elven knowledge led to the creation of nuclear bombs. Humans kept on advancing this design, and soon enough, had enough to destroy the world. Humans continued to exploit the knowledge of the elves, and it made them more and more destructive. The Council was forced to make another tough decision. They cancelled the program.

Years later, and Bronte still lives with the guilt of this. He uses his Inflicting abilities to dodge the emotions, sure, but he’s made it clear that it’s not good to rely on your ability alone. And then Sophie came along. The Vackers, one of the most well-known and reputable families, claims to have found this elven Telepathic elf in the Forbidden Cities. The Council is terrified. They went in contact with the humans?! They need to see this girl immediately, and remove all traces of her from her hometown. They need to hide her from the public, especially the Ancients, most of which still see humans as barbarians. what would they think of an elf raised among those who threatened to end them and their world as they knew it? They send her to Foxfire, hoping she can lead a normal life and blend in with everyone else. But of course, she can’t. She gets messages from the Black Swan. She and Dex get kidnapped only to be saved by Forkle and dropped off in the middle of nowhere. They arrive in Paris, a Forbidden City. She takes a flareodon to her hometown, another Forbidden City, and makes all of the Everblaze, which the Council unrightfully presumes is the Black Swan despite knowing that there’s another group out there, disappear mysteriously, leaving only the strange flowers in their wake, making the humans confused and suspicious. And that’s only in Book 1.

What about everything else? What about what she did in Exile with Alden? How she can suddenly telepathically talk to animals? How she keeps getting sent to the Healing Center and one day after going missing with Keefe, she’s all better? When she heals Alden? When she and Fitz try to get into Fintan’s mind, but instead they end up burning down most of Eternalia, killing Kenric, one of their own, in the process.

That’s it. The public knows all about Sophie Foster. Some are scared of her, some pity her, and some idolize her. None of this is positive for the Council, and with the Neverseen after them and all of the Intelligent Species, they cannot have her, or any of her friends among everyone else in the Lost Cities. They take initiative and banish them. But what does that do? They all join the Black Swan, cause chaos in Exillium, and recruit Tam and Linh. Keefe joins the Neverseen in an attempt to get Insider Info. The gnomes, whom the elves depend on for food and maintenance, are being threatened in numbers due to a plague. Eventually, it is actually revealed that the ogres, who are supposed to be in an alliance with the elves, have betrayed them for the Neverseen, and attacked Havenfield, a sanctuary that they depend on.

Isn’t that enough to prove them wrong? No. They don’t have the antidote. So the Black Swan, along with Alvar invade Ravagog, and, after some complications, flood it. Alvar is proven to be working for the Neverseen, and the Neverseen have been working with the ogres to defend the antidote. They don’t have the antidote, and Calla has to figure that out for herself. She makes an ultimatum with the Council: Let the children return to society, and she’ll sacrifice herself to become the Panakes Tree and cure all gnomes. The Council is desperate. They need the gnomes to survive, so they have to accept the offer.

Then what? The Black Swan doesn’t stop defending their people, and continue to pursue the Neverseen. They attack hideouts, get hurt, and find Amy, Sophie’s sister, remembering her clearly. Another problem that the Council can’t know about. So, they stash her in Atlantis with Livvy and Quinlin. Soporodine, a powerful and lethal sedative, is introduced, and affects Alvar, Sophie’s human parents, and Ro. Tam takes Ro away, and she eventually awakens. Atlantis is flooding as the force fields fail, and Linh, Keefe, and Sophie stop in from going under. They’re praised, and are offered a statue to honor them. But this is not the end.

Alvar is here now, and he doesn’t remember a thing. He resides in Everglen, much to Fitz’s disappointment. Silvery goes into labor, and with the help of Luzia, who has been hiding a troll hive in Everglen. Alvar regains his memory, and helps the Neverseen broadcast the release of baby trolls right inside of Everglen, publicly shaming them. This tarnishes the Vacker name, and makes the Council look foolish and weak for not noticing this secret over centuries. Umber is down, but the damage is done. Sophie and Fitz have echoes inside of them, killing them slowly. Even though they recover, the Neverseen have recruited Tam in exchange for the lives of the baby alicorns. Not only that, but Sophie is unmatchable.

The Council is still slightly respected, but anyone can see that the Black Swan are the real leaders here. They decide the only way to gain more control over their people is to form an alliance. But they can’t have the same people that tend to cause chaos around Sophie. No, instead they assemble a team of five, with Sophie as the leader. Team Valiant. They gain the title of Regents, and are there to create order. But Sophie does something else. She becomes more powerful in Inflicting and uncovers the secret of the dwarves’ false unity. Tam is forced to help Lady Gisela “fix” her son, but Keefe ends up in a coma. Tam is freed, and Glimmer is convinced to leave the Neverseen and help the Black Swan. Sophie learns how to truly teleport, and Oralie, her number one supporter (and mom) from the beginning decides to do what every Councillor has sworn not to: help Sophie open her cache.

So, to answer your question, I think some of the better Councillors, like Oralie, Bronte, Terik, and possibly Clarette, feel guilty about harming a child, and that they were worried sick over whether or not they had killed a child. But seeing as how corrupt the elven society really is, I don’t think the Council is on the right side. Soon, they’re going to have to choose.

#sorry for the long analysis #i may or may not have the urge to write a fic involving some of the stuff here #kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #sophie foster

[juliebeanbook]

twelve: if you had three you’d give me two

I sat in an aisle seat on the train next to a large man who smelled like salami as snow slopped onto the ground outside and stuck to the windowsill; none of this was improving my mood.

Every time I looked down at my phone to check the time and I saw that it had indeed moved forward, a heaviness sank deeper into my gut at the thought of having to spend a week with my parents. For five and a half years now, I had felt uneasy around them, but now everything was different. Now, I felt the tick-tick of a bomb under my skin, volatile and ready to go off at any moment.

The man beside me grunted, waking up from his nap, spread out a little more in his seat. I inched closer to the aisle, crossed my legs in a pair of Jamie’s old winter boots that made my feet sweaty.

My phone buzzed, making me jump. Emmy. “Hey,” I said. “What’s up? Also I’m on a train right now and I’m being an asshole to everyone around me. Just so you know.”

“Noted. I just wanted to check in. Where are you?”

“Smithsville,” I said, checking out the window for a sign of civilization; the search proved fruitless. “I think. Don’t quote me on that.”

“How are you holding up?”

“I’m shitting my pants here, Em.” Some mom with a tiny baby in her arms turned and gave me a look. I gave her one back like, What? You’re afraid I’m a bad influence on your four-week-old kid’s vocabulary?

“Just relax, okay? They’re not going to magically know anything. You don’t have a flashing neon ‘gay’ sign around your neck.”

“Should have gotten me one of those for my birthday.”

“Sorry, I missed the memo. Stay tuned for next year though.”

“Okay, I should probably go, I don’t think I’m making the people around me very happy.”

“Alright. Well, call me if you need to, kay?”

“I will. Thanks, Em.”

“See ya, Jules.” I was surprised to find myself choking up as I hung up the phone. I sniffed and cleared my throat.

The man beside me dug around in his backpack and pulled out half a salami sandwich on rye, offering it to me. “Um, no thanks,” I said, waving the sandwich away and wiping my eyes. “But thank you. That’s very sweet of you.”

At the Chandler Valley train station, my mom was waiting in her little red station wagon to pick me up. As I awkwardly carried my suitcase with both hands, looking like an idiot who didn’t know how to use a rolling suitcase (one of the wheels was busted), she got out of the car and opened the trunk. “Hi, sweetie!” she said, reaching out her hands to hug me. She’d gotten a lot huggier in the last few years, as if all the affection she would have shown Jamie was now allotted to me. It made me feel really uncomfortable, like I was on one side of an uneven scale, about to tip over.

I hugged her back as if she had something contagious that I didn’t want to catch.

“How was your train ride?” she asked me as she started the car and adjusted the levels of hot air blasting onto my front.

“Fine. Short.”

She turned her head to give me a smile, but the smile seemed somewhat empty, drained of something. “It’ll be good to have you back for a while. Your dad and I have missed you.”

I watched the way her small hands gripped the steering wheel hard but shook as they reached up to fix her hair.

My parents’ yard was covered by a thick layer of snow like frosting on a cake, crumbles of dirt showing through like crumbs. My mom insisted on carrying my suitcase inside. The house smelled like blueberry muffins; my dad emerged in his “Kiss Me, I’m Pretending to be Irish” apron. “Jules!” he cried, hugging me with oven mitts on, squeezing tight. I felt myself relax into my dad’s hug, almost forgetting that I shouldn’t feel comforted.

Conversation at the dinner table was scattered and stilted; my parents kept asking me questions (“How were your classes this semester?” “Better grades than first year, I’m sure?” “Any cute boys you want to tell me about?”), and I would answer them shortly or dodge them completely with a request for the salt or a napkin. After my mom brought out an apple crisp, she stopped asking me anything, just tucked into her dessert with small stabs of her fork.

She regained her speech after supper, when she explained to me with great excitement her plans for Christmas Eve, which was in a couple days. I sat on the couch and watched Merry Christmas Charlie Brown and listened to her talk about the “downright spectacular” pageant her Catholic church was planning for the big night, gritting my teeth and hoping it wasn’t obvious. “Of course, it hasn’t gotten off without a hitch,” she said. “There’s been drama, that’s for sure.”

“What sort of drama?” I wondered how drama-filled a Catholic nativity pageant could be. Did one of the shepherds insult a sheep? Was the angel being a little shit to Joseph?

“Well, this is between you and me, but you know Jean Goddard? The one who makes the lemon pies? Well, you see, her little boy, Reid, there’s something wrong with him.” She leaned forward in her armchair. “Dresses in all kinds of girl stuff. We think he’s a homosexual.” The last word was a conspiratorial whisper.

I concealed the shiver that ran through me as my mother told me the gossip, as if we were two old women sipping sweet tea on the front porch.

“So, naturally, we couldn’t have him in our pageant. Libby and I made sure of that. Caused quite a fuss, let me tell you.”

“Wait, you wouldn’t let him be in the show?”

“Of course not. It’s a show full of children, in a church. We can’t have that sort of thing, Julie, you know that. It’s inappropriate.”

I searched and searched her face for any remorse, any human pity, but there was none that I could see.

//

By the time the sun went down on Christmas Eve, falling snow glittered under the streetlights like a snowglobe tipped upside down and shaken. I pulled on some itchy nylons before the Christmas Eve service and slid into a pair of my mom’s heels and stepped out unsteady down our driveway. The toes of my tights were already cold and wet.

The service was long, with a lot of talking, and more repentance of sins than I would’ve thought would be necessary in a Christmas celebration. The pageant was cute, disorganized, and completely heterosexual. A couple of choir girls passed out tall white candles for us to hold while we sang “O Come All Ye Faithful.” I sang quietly, my voice seeming to come from someone else other than me. My mom’s voice soared above mine, joyful and triumphant. Her eyes flickered bright with the reflection of her candle.

Bing Crosby crooned to us through the radio on the drive home. I stared out the window into the dark; it felt just like closing my eyes.

I went up to my room to change as soon as we got back, putting on my own jeans and a flannel shirt of Emmy’s that I’d stolen. I glanced at my face in the mirror before going downstairs. I thought for all the world that you should’ve been able to read everything like handwriting across my skin, but my face was an empty sheet of paper.

Downstairs was too quiet. When I rounded the corner of the staircase, my parents were standing in the kitchen, as if they were waiting for me. As I approached, they looked up. Their faces were grave statements.

“Is…everything okay?” I asked, my heart hammering. Had someone died?

My dad cleared his throat. My mom opened and closed her mouth a couple times before finally saying, “Julie, we need to talk to you about something. We wanted to wait till after service, so that you could have the chance to spend a little time with God and work things through with Him.”

“What things?” My heart was sprinting now; I could feel my pulse in my ears.

“I ran into Patricia Glover yesterday at Walmart,” my mom said. Her voice was thin and wavery. “Renee’s mother. And she mentioned something that…changed my opinion of you.”

Shit. Shit.

“What, um, what did she say?”

“She said that she heard from Renee that you kissed your friend. Your female friend.”

Of course Andy had done this.

The image of her face, hurt and confused, like I’d been lying to her for a year and a half. A door slammed closed twice. She must have needed to tell someone; she kept secrets about as well as a sieve kept water in. Renee would be her first stop. It was such an unmistakably Andy move that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t anticipated she would do it.

But knowing I should have seen it coming didn’t stop the clench in my stomach, the rock in my throat, the nausea rising up and a dryness choking my tongue.

I couldn’t say anything to my parents. I couldn’t say anything at all.

“Is this true?” my dad asked me. My mom’s face pleaded with me; I wished I couldn’t read her expressions so well. “Did this happen?”

I gasped for air like a gaping fish. My head felt disconnected from my body; I struggled to regain balance. I could feel my hands shaking but my mind was clear. I didn’t have it in me to lie.

“Yeah,” I somehow managed to spit out. “It did.”

My mom’s face was a portrait of frozen shock. “No,” she said, shaking her head. “I can’t have two gay children. That isn’t fair.”

“Mom, I’m not –”

“Julie, how could you do this to us?” Dad asked. His voice was pained. “It’s been hard enough with Jamie.”

“It’s been hard enough for you?” I cried. “Try being her! You haven’t spoken a word to her in five years. She doesn’t have parents anymore. Do you know what that’s like?”

My mom was still shaking her head. “Julie, I can’t allow this,” she said firmly; my mom never raised her voice, but this was as close as she got. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”

“It’s not up to you, Mom,” I said. “You don’t get to decide this for me. I don’t get to decide this for me. This is how it is. You can’t choose who I am. That isn’t fair.”

My dad was staring at the floor. My mom brought her eyes up to meet mine, her gaze hard.

“This is up to you, Julie,” she said. “If you want to live as a sinner, that’s your choice. This is all on you. You don’t have to be like this.”

“What if I want to be like this?” I thought of the soft touch of Emmy’s hands on my back, her breath hot on my face, the warmth running down the length of my spine.

“Then you can’t stay here.”

I had known it would come, had known the water would be cold, but I hadn’t fully prepared my body for the icy shock, splashing all over me, drenching me. I looked at my mom’s face, my dad’s downcast glance, looking for something, anything, to grab onto. But there was nothing. There had always been nothing.

“Fine,” I said. My voice stood strong on its own.

I ran upstairs and wrenched open my suitcase, stuffing into it all the warm clothes I could find. There was a cardboard box in the back of my closet, and I filled it full of more clothes, my favourite books, one of my pillows. Family portraits blurred past me as I went down the stairs, my suitcase bumping behind me. I looked back into the kitchen, like I was just going on vacation, like I should kiss my parents goodbye. Neither of them would look at me. It was like getting slapped.

I dragged my suitcase out the front door into the snow, my box tucked into the crook of my hip. I made it to the sidewalk before I broke down. I sat on the snow-covered curb, the seat of my jeans soaking through, and sobbed, wiping tears off my cheeks with frantic cold hands. My breath caught, and I wrapped my coat tightly around my body, as if trying to hug myself; after all, I was all I had now.

I reached into my pocket and dialled Jamie’s number clumsily, my fingers cold and shaking. Her phone rang a few times, then went to voicemail. “Hey, Jamie, I need your help. The bad thing that happened to you, it just happened to me. I hate them. I hate them. All my stuff is in my suitcase and a box. I need you. I don’t have anywhere to live anymore.”

I was sobbing all over again by the time I finished the message; I hung up and curled up tight, hoping no one driving by would see me. The snow was still falling. My hair was wet.

Jamie was at Anne-Marie’s for the holidays; her parents’ house was across the city, and I didn’t know how to get there by myself. Looking through my recent calls on my phone, trying to find someone else who could help, I saw the one from Emmy, the one from the train. I remembered her telling me that if things got bad, I could crash at her place. Well, things were bad enough now.

I tried calling her, but she didn’t pick up. I remembered the address of her parents’ house that she’d given me, and mentally mapped out how to get there. Standing up slowly, my joints stiff like rusty pipes, I hoisted my box under my arm, gripped the suitcase handle with the other, and headed to the bus stop.

There was no one on the 52 when I got on at the corner of Brookfield and Meadow. The bus driver looked me over as I fed the machine with a handful of small change. I couldn’t tell if he was judging me or pitying me, but either way I didn’t like it. I held the suitcase between my knees and sat straight in my seat and tried not to look pathetic. So what if I was taking the 52 out of the city at nine-thirty on Christmas Eve? How did he know I wasn’t headed home, to somewhere where people loved me?

I got off at the end of Emmy’s street and lugged my suitcase through the snow, trying to read the house numbers in the dark. By the time I got to number 40, the box under my arm felt like it had gained ten more pounds, and my arms ached. I dropped my shit onto the front porch and rang the doorbell with fingers that had gone numb around house number 10.

A woman with curly red hair and a face full of freckles answered the door. “Hi,” she said. “Can I help you?”

“Is Emmy there?” I asked, picking up my box and holding it close.

The woman turned around and shouted “Emily!” into the house. Emmy came down the hall in a blouse and skirt; I almost didn’t recognize her out of her usual plaid context. Her face was knotted in confusion until she saw me in the doorway.

“Jules?” She ran to the front door, grabbed my arm. “What happened? Are you okay?”

I looked at her and hugged my box and felt the snow settle on my shoulders like the coldest blanket, and she looked right back, and in that moment I knew that my face was no longer a blank page. With Emmy, my face was a rough draft, messy emotions scrawled out in haste, unedited and raw and nothing but true. I couldn’t hide a thing. But I didn’t want to hide anything anymore.

“I’m out,” I said.

She only waited long enough to draw in a breath before pulling me inside.

#julie bean #julie bean book #chapter 12