#i get Wht but like. dear god what was the situation

[morsartis]

The Tweet

You were going to fucking kill that clown. Marvus had honked his last horn, you were actually going to end up in jail for killing a celebrity and it was this fool. All because he’d done the one thing you both agreed not to do. The one thing you swore up and down to his PR team that wouldn’t happen. Staring down at the tweet and watching the count of likes and retweets climb you could feel your blood pressure rise in sync with it. A simple dumbass selfie you had sent Marvus in pesterchum of all things was going viral. Alarmingly so. People were losing their mind over it. With good reason. Your anonymity had been tossed out the window like an empty can down a school hallway. Marvus was dead to you now. It was a pity because the caption he’d replied with was very sweet. The type of thing that you two teased each other with in private. And that was the key word wasn’t it? Private. 

You’d been doing your thing downtown when you spotted one of his new posters on display and because you knew Marvus would think it was hilarious you’d scribbled a mustache on it and posed for a selfie. One of you sticking your tongue out as he liked to in the majority of photos with the caption ‘I didn’t know you were growing a mustache’ and a little emoji heart. Lovingly mocking him because you knew you could. The type of shit you usually sent each other to make the other laugh. The problem was that he had saved the picture and uploaded it to chittr. Of course it wasn’t the first picture he’d ever uploaded of you or both of you doing something stupid. It was the type of content that was fairly common to see on both your timelines. There was an embarrassing picture of you brushing your teeth with toothpaste foam everywhere and a rats nest on his account he’d lovingly referred to as ‘rabid human free to a good home’. Only this time Marvus had confirmed the one question you both had agreed to leave well enough alone for your sake and the sanity of his PR team. You could feel the headache forming as you sat on your couch in your own house and plotted how exactly you were going to wring his neck when he towered above you. Surely his PR team would give you a boost in this hypothetical situation. Tagora would, of course, be your defense attorney when you went on trial. It’d be a short trial with you coming away claiming innocence and taking every penny that used to belong to Marvus as compensation. Only fair in such a situation. You’d even be benevolent and split the fortune with his team and sympathetic band mates. Taking a deep breath you picked up your phone again. Opening Chittr you avoided looking at the now famous tweet as you slid into Marvus’ private chat and stared down, unsure what the hell you were going to say. 

‘Hey Marvus what the fuck?’

‘ayyy bby whts up?’

‘Youre causing a scandal Marvus what the fuck.’

‘???’

There was a moment of complete radio silence and you realized just at the same time Marvus did what exactly happened. 

‘oh fxck’

He’d meant to forward that to his band and had instead uploaded your selfie and ‘flushed as fxck for dis mean lil criminal mf’ to chittr. The disbelieving laugh that left you was hideous and heartfelt as you put your head in your hands and wheezed. The PR team and Tagora were going to kill you both. If Marvus’ rabid fans didn’t get you first. 

‘if your fans kill me I’m coming to haunt your ass’

‘fair’

Dear god you were actually in a relationship with this moron. You couldn’t wait to smack him and kiss his dumbass face when he inevitably showed up at your door.

#afoshegosehgo #YALL #that marvus x reader wasn't supposed to be so popular guys #what the fuck #marvus simps really came together for this one huh? #YALL GOT THE BIG NAMES IN ON IT #WHAT THE HELL GUYS #this is for you marvus loving clowns #come get yalls juice #I fucking can't with you guys #I wrote the first one at an ungodly hour on no sleep #and thats the one piece of writing yall latched onto??? #I'm in tears over here #IS THE MARVUS TAG REALLY SO FUCKING BARREN YALL COME TO ME??? #fine then its time to put on my clown shoes and join the masses #marvus xoloto #marvus x reader #i am unable to write anything with marvus that isnt ridiculous #hes a goddamn clown #I see this man and immediately my braincells fly out the window at mach speeds #have another ungodly oneshot #this could be a sequel to the first one if you really want it to be #because its vague #and short #i will take requests for bara tiddie clown man since the tag is dry as the desert #you poor fucking fools

[hornsbeforehalos]

Whiskey, Sweetheart: Part 1

Pairing: Norman Reedus x OFC, Past JDM x OFC Warnings: RPF, Language, Breif Violence, Jealousy, Angsty.

Series Masterlist

Summary: After Jeffrey’s neglect pushed her away and into the arms of his best friend, Norman and Ky have to figure out if their new relationship can withstand not only the aftermath of the unspeakable crime they commited to keep her safe, but the backlash that comes from being co-workers with a very betrayed Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

A/n: This is the Sequel to Anytime, Sweetheart and The Conquests of Norman Reedus. You dont have to read all of Conquests to understand, but at least the finale:  this

TAGS: ( I tagged everyone from A-S, please let me know if you want to be untagged for this series.)

@elinyaes   @jml509  @jesbakescookies @daddy-kink-confirmed @aquivercactus   @xagateophobiax @sorenmarie87 @missghoul18 @jdmfanfiction @jeffreydeanneganstrash @through-thesilver-lining @beffyblueeyes @docharleythegeekqueen @make-things-beautiful2 @srj1990  @dragongirl420  @reedusteinrambles  @youandyourstupidrope @addiction-survivor25 @fireheartart @redm81  foreveror-never @zombeeemomeee @blacklightguidesnic @jackybehappy @jodiereedus22

‘Fuck, Fuck fuck fuck’ I thought to myself as the memories of the night before flooded through my body, the image of Norman tangled between my legs and him calling out my name making my eyes widen and burn as I stared at Jeffrey in front of me, my fingers grasping onto the sheet wrapped around my body with one hand while gripping the door handle for dear life to keep from passing out. His eyes widened themselves as he took in my state of dress, the sheet falling slightly in my surprise. 

“You fuckin’ kidding me?” He instantly roared, pushing past me into the room to yank the covers off Norman, who was instantly shocked awake. “What the fuck?” Norman barked, jumping up out of the bed and holding his hands up in defence, “Look, Jeff, I-” “You what, Bubba? Please fucking tell me what I’m lookin’ at right now.” Jeff growled, glare shifting back and forth between Norman and I. “It’s-” He started, but I cut him off, “We fucked.” I stated bluntly, letting the sheet drop from my body as I worked my way around the room collecting my clothes, “I wasn’t gonna tell you, but since you so rudely woke me up this morning, I really don’t give a fuck.” Jeffrey spun on his heels to point an accusing finger at Norman as I began getting dressed, “You fucked my fuckin’ woman, Norm?” Norman raised his hands back up in surrender, stuttering something that sounded like, “I-I-I…” “I should have fuckin’ known,” Jeffrey seethed, shaking his head before turning his fiery stare back to me, chuckling out a breathy laugh,“After Rob, after Corey…” I cocked an eyebrow at him as I finished pulling my dress down down around my torso, “What’s that supposed to mean, Jeffrey?” “Do I need to spell it out for you, little girl? I should have known you two would pull some shit like this.” “The fuck that’s supposed to mean?” Norman growled, puffing his chest out dominantly as he took a step forward. Jeffrey snorted, scrubbing his jawline with his finger tips in amusement, “I shoulda known never to consider you a fuckin friend, Norman. I’ve been fucked over by friends before but this?” He shook his head again, waving a finger back and forth between the two of us again, “This is a new fuckin’ low, bro.” “Aye, man, fuck you. You’re the one that ditched her ass on her fuckin’ birthday, and every fuckin’ time before. You’re the one that pushed her away.” “The fuck you just say to me, boy?” Jeffrey growled, pressing his own bowed out chest against Norman’s intimidatingly. “I’m not a fucking boy, number one.” Norman squinted, “and number two, yeah, I fucked Ky. Hell fucking yeah I did,” His eyes roamed up and down Jeff’s face and neck before meeting his eyes again, “And I’m gonna do it again, too. Cuz you not knowin’ how to treat a fuckin’ woman ain’t my problem. Don’t play the victim when you know for a damn fact you put her through Hell.” My mouth dropped open as Jeffrey’s fist flew and cracked Norman against his cheekbone as the other man grabbed the front of his shirt. They wresteled each other to the floor of the hotel room and I instantly ran over to try to pull Jeffrey off of Norman. “Gonna need another fuckin’ eye socket when I’m done, bitch,” Jeffrey roared as his fist contacted Norman’s face again, a gurgle of pain erupting from the man as he landed his own blow against Jeff’s jaw. “Fuck you, Morgan.” he gritted and punched again. “Jeff, fucking stop!” I screeched, tugging on the collar of his jacket, trying to pull him off, “Fucking quit!” Jeffrey’s elbow rose back and came incontact with my chest, pushing me back as he stood on his feet and grabbed my upper arm, “Get the fuck off me,” Before I could even think my own fist was colliding with Jeffrey’s nose, blood immediately pouring out as he shoved me away from him and against the wall. I hit the drywall with a thud, my head connecting and causing me to see stars momentarily. I slipped down onto the floor, Jeff looming over me menacingly. “You stupid fucking bitch,” He spat, chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath, “What did I do to deserve this, huh? “Well, I don’t know, Jeff, let’s fuckin’ see,” I started, rage giving me the strength to stand on my feet again, “In the month that it’s been since I fucking killed a man, I haven’t seen you for shit, you haven’t even asked me how the fuck I’ve been the entire time I’ve been in Vancouver, and then, then, after all that bullshit, you miss my fucking birthday? No!” “You’re the one that wanted to be big billy bad ass with that guy! I told you I was gonna take care of it!” He gritted back, “When, Jeff? When he fuckin’ killed me?"I growled, tilting my head in anger and squinting at him, "And let’s not fuckin’ forget Tanya, now, shall we?” He snatched me up by the front of my t-shirt and pulled me to his chest, “Don’t even fuckin’ start." 

"What are you gonna do, Jeffrey?” I snorted, looking up at him unafraid, “Hit me?” “Get your fuckin’ hands off of her,” Norman roared, shoving Jeff from the side and ripping him away from me. They fell to the floor again and grappled, exchanging fists once more before the door was finally busted in and 3 Dallas police officers barged through. 

Naturally, because Dallas is what Dallas is, all three of us were handcuffed and thrown in the back of police cars and carted off to Lew Sterrit, the officers explaining “our celebrity” status required them to take us some place more “secure” Whatever. It took aproximately 4 hours for Josh, Jensen, and Jared to show up, and in the mean time I could still hear Norman and Jeff through the thin walls of the interregation rooms they were holding us in. “Jesus fucking Christ, you two, shut the fuck up!” I shouted loudly enough for them to hear me. “Fuck you!” I heard Jeffrey roar back. “Don’t fuckin’ talk to her like that, fucker!” “Fuck you too!” “I swear to fucking god I’m going to kill both of them,” I mumbled lowly to myself, irritation at the situation spilling over. When my brothers did finally get around to bailing us out, the looks on their faces told me all I needed to know about how they were feeling. “What the fuck happened, Ky?” Jared asked, confusion and irritation flitting across his face. “Yeah, explain to everyone why they had to bail us out.” Jeffrey spat as we exited the building. “Because you’re a fucking psycho.” I hissed, head snapping towards Jeff as we made our way to the cars. He barked out a laugh and moved his hand to cover his mouth, cocking an amused eyebrow, “You fuckin’ serious right now?” Norman instantly gave Jeff a shove against the car, Jared and Jensen moving instantly to pull him off, “Dude, we’re in the fuckin’ jail parking lot.” Jared reminded him. “Don’t fuckin’ talk to her like that. That’s why you lost her right there,” Norman gritted out, huffing and puffing his chest out as the boys held him back from Jeff, who was equally seething, “You act like she don’t have emotions, which she does if you took three seconds to look her in the face instead of eye-balling her fucking tits!" 

Jeffrey growled at the man but didn’t advance, shaking his head as he opened Jared’s car door and got in the passengers side. "Josh’s got to get home, so you two are riding with me,” Jensen glared, fingers directed towards me and Norman “Yessirr” I snorted, giving him an exaggerated salute as I crawled into the back seat of his convertible. 

“Kylin, you know what people are gonna say about this,” Jensen scolded after I spilled the beans and told him wht happened on our way to my parents’ house. “So? People already say shit about us. Jeff’s the one that fucked that shit up, not me.” I assured, crossing my arms over my chest with a huff. “You’re not exactly a ray of sunshine, either, princess,” Jensen retorted, earning him a snort from Norman. “Look, Jeff and I are done, Norm and I like each other..or whatever this is,” I explained, shifting in the backseat to lean between the driver and passenger sides, “I’m not gonna feel bad for shit, and Norman shouldn’t either.” “Norman should probably feel a little bad,” Jensen contested, waving his hand back and forth in that “prolly about half way” motion. “And I fuckin’ do, okay? You think I wanted to fall for my best friends girl?” Norman shook his head, running his index and thumb over his chin as he gazed out the building whizzing by as Jensen drove. The dark purple bruise on his cheekbone flowering against his flushed face, “I feel like a fuckin’ asshole, man. I’m supposed to be Jeff’s friend, your friend.” He turned his head back to motion to me, “And that moment in the airport when you hung up that phone and then told me you were really through, allI could think about was how I might have a chance.” The car was silent for a moment as I sat back in my seat, sighing slightly at the idea that Norman felt like he was betraying his friend. I suddenly felt like I pushed him into this, and tears welled up and threatened to spill over as my lip quivered. “I"m sorry, Norm. It was a mistake.” “No, it wasn’t, babe. It’s a shitty situation, yes, but I do care about you, and I’m not going to do what he did.” Jensen nodded his head in approval as he cleared his throat, “Look, sis, this is soemthing that the two of you are gonna have to work through. Shit’s about to rain down on all three of ya'lls heads and I’m guessing I'mma get dirty in the process. Keep shit as low key as possible for now, would be my advice, but you know that shit don’t usually work that way.” The rest of the ride back was quiet, everyone lost in their own thoughts until we pulled into the driveway. Jensen put the car in park and turned to Norman, speaking in a low, stern voice, “Why don’t you go on inside for a minute, I need to have a word with my sister.” Norman nodded his head, glancing at me for a second with a small smile before exiting the vehicle and walking towards the entrance of the house. “What, bubs, spit it out,” I urged, rolling my eyes and crossing my arms again. “Look, I’m not going to lecture you or fight with you like last time, but this shit is bad, Ky. I mean, come one, Norman? That’s worse than if you'da run off with Corey.” “Jesus,” I huffed, shaking my head in annoyance, “It just….happened, okay? I’ve loved Norm for a long time, but I didn’t think of it as anything because of Jeff. Thought it was a friendship thing since he’d been there with me through so much shit. Then I was drunk and thinking and realized that the reason why I loved him was because he’d been there for me through all of it. He’s the one that stayed up with me when Jeffrey was with that bitch, He’s the one that made sure I was taken care of constantly and never needing anything. He’s the one that eventually showed me the fucking truth. He’s given me so many fucking opportunities to be independent, Jensen,” the tears were back now, and I sniffed the snot that was trying to run down my nose and wiped my eyes, “and not to mention Vegas….Jesus, he helped me fuckin’ kill a man.” “I know, sis…” Jensen whispered, nodding, “He’s the only one that’s checked up on me since then. Jeffrey avoided me, Corey’s still ignoring me…"I snorted again, wiping more tears, "Norman’s the one who actually made it a point to come to my fucking birthday party. Jeffrey just covered up his neglect with a fucking Camero and a text message.” “It’s a pretty sweet car, though.” Jensen reasoned, “Fuck yeah it is, and I’m keeping it too.”

“Everything okay?” Norman asked as I walked out into the backyard where he was sitting with my mom, smoking a cigarette. I plopped myself down beside him and stole one out of his pack, sighing deeply on exhale once it was lit.

“Yeah, I’m just tired. I don’t know what to think of this birthday.” I chuckled, small smile crossing my face as he switched hands holding his smoke to tangle his free fingers with mine. “Ya’ll are just adorable.” My mom cooed, smug smirk on her face like she’d just got done watching The Notebook or something. “You know, it is still technically your birthday,” Norman snorted, taking another drag as he squeezed my fingers, “Let’s go out tonight, we can go to that little bar we went to last time we were in Deep Ellum.” “Ooo that sounds like a lovely idea, dear.” My mom agreed. ”You’ve gotta  black eye, I look like shit. I’m good.” “It is your birthday, babe. Plus, I’ll wear my shades and no one will even know.” Norman insisted, pushing his sunglasses onto his nose to show that it covered the bruising on his face. I rolled my eyes.

“Go have fun, Kylin.” My mother urged.

“Fiiiine, okay. Something low-key though. I’ve had enough excitement for the day.”

We wound up at a little metal bar in Deep Ellum called July Alley, and sat in a back booth snuggled closley together after after pizza at the resturant next door. “I swear, I’m just gonna start callin’ you Whiskey, Sweetheart,” Norman chuckled as I was delivered my 5th shot of crown by the waitress giving him googly eyes that he wasn’t paying attention to. “I’m pretty sure it already makes up for about a third of my blood supply,” I snorted before knocking the shot back and humming at the delicious burn of the amber liquid, “It’s the only thing my stomach can stand to drink.” Norman barked out a laugh and shook his head, his fringe falling into his eyes under his Snapback, “Mine too, probably after hanging out with you so much.” “What can I say, I’m a bad influence,” I giggled sweetly. “Yeah, you are.” He agreed, throwing an arm behind my shoulders and reeling me into his side to kiss the crown of my head, “Happy birthday, princess.” “Thank you,” I smiled up at him, my fingers moving a piece of hair out of his face gently before running down the scruff decorating his cheek and jaw, “Thanks for everything.” “Ain’t a problem, girl,” He assured, his pretty chrystaline eyes dancing around my face, “I ain’t goin’ no where.” I smiled back at him and continued to play with his beard, running my thumb over his cheekbone as his free hand found its own way into my hair. The next thing I knew he was pulling my face towards his, touching our lips together in the first kiss since the night before. It was warm, inviting, and safe-feeling, something I’d been looking for for a long time. He tasted like cigarettes and Jack Daniels, with a little bit of garlic left over from the pizza. I smirked into his mouth as his tongue danced with mine, reveling in the low moan vibrating his chest as he tightened his fingers into my curls to pull me closer. HIs hand around my shoulders squeezed gently before he pulled away from me slowly, our lips finally breaking apart as our eyes opened and we stared at each other adoringly. 

“I’m so happy I can do that now.” He breathed, heart beat still steadily thumping against my own, “Don’t have to just think about it anymore.” “Me too,” I grinned back, face reddening suddenly under his soul-baring eyes. I nuzzled myself into his neck as he pulled out his phone, opening the selfie-camera and holding it back to get us both in the shot. I shook my head but smiled for the camera, followed by another with us both making goofy faces. He had shoved his sunglasses on to cover his black eye, and he played with the filters on his phone, giving it a spooky kind of vibe before opening instagram and to post it. “Watch your caption.” I chuckled. “Pffft, what do you think I am, stupid?” He snorted back, cocking an eyebrow at me as he typed out the caption. “Happy birthday to one of my best friends.” “Awh, I’m one of your best friends, Reedus?” I teased, nudging him with my shoulder. “Shut up,” he blushed, shaking his fringe infront of his eyes to try and hide, “You know you are.” “Still nice to hear it, though.” I grinned at him, resting my head on his shoulder. He kissed the crown of my head flippantly before tucking his phoen back in his pocket after checking his notifications, letting out a sigh at some of the comments, “So, how’re we gonna play this?” “What do you mean?” He held his mouth in a flat line and barely squinted his eyes sarcastically as he held up his phone, the picture of us already getting mulitple comments; “Where’s Jeffrey?” “I bet they’re fucking” “Since when are they so close?” “Jesus Christ,” I barked as he turned his phone back around and continued to scroll through. “Yeah…” “Um, Well, I don’t know.” Norman bobbed his head up and down in thought for amoment, drumming this thumbs along the edge of the table in front of him, “Probably should keep things a little quiet until shit settles between you and Jeff.” I sighed, nodding in agreement, “You’re probably correct.”

“So when you goin’ back to ‘Couver?” Norman asked quietly as we sat on my parents’ couch. Everyone else was asleep and the house was quiet and dark save the dim light pooling in from the kitchen. “Tomorrow,” I sighed, rubbing my temples with annoyance, “I’ve got to get Misha prepared to go home for the holiday plus make sure he’s everywhere he needs to be afterwards.” “Tense.” “He’s annoying.” “Seems like it.” I snorted at him and shook my head, bringing my glass of amber gold to my lips and sipping deeply. “Then you comin’ back here for Thanksgiving?” He questioned, taking a sip of his own glass.

“Yeah, Thanksgiving with my family. What are you doing?” “Gonna be in New York with Ming. His mom’s got some crazy thing to do in France or something.” “Fun” “Probably not. He’s getting to the age where he’s too cool to hang out with his ol’ man.” “I’m too cool to hang out with you too but here I am.” “Asshole.” “Generally, yeah."I retorted, stiffling a yawn with the backside of my hand. "Tired?” Norman asked with an amused smirk. “Fuckin’ exhausted.” I answered, placing my glass on the coffee table and stretching my arms over my head. “Come 'ere,” Norman whispered, stretching out across the couch and patting his thighs as he turned on his side and pressed himself against hte back cushions. I grabbed the throw blanket from the arm chair, wrapping the fuzzy fibers around me before spreading it out over Norman and joining him, my back pressed agains this chest as he wrapped his wide shoulders and arms around me. My head fell comfortably on his bicep underneath me and he nuzzled his nose into my hair, kissing me right behind my ear. “Mmm, this is nice.” I purred as I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing, enjoying the sensation of his arms tangled around me. “Mhmmm,” he cooed back, tightening his grip as we drifted off to sleep.

#norman reedus x ofc #norman reedus x you #norman reedus x reader #norman reedus rpf #norman reedus fanfiction #daryl dixon fanfiction #the walking dead rpf #twd fanfiction #rpf fanfiction #jensen ackles fanfiction #jeffrey dean morgan rpf #jeffrey dean morgan x ofc #jdm x ofc #jdm fanfiction

[likeawildthing]

one week since u looked at me

James and LIly fight and it’s 100% the other person’s fault, and everyone is just a little bit unhinged. 

3371 Words

For @expressopatronum​, who requested a jily fic based on the Barenaked Ladies song. :D

tues.

James Potter to M8S B4 D8S: well. Fuck.

James Potter: im broken up

James Potter: literally

James Potter: and metaphorically

James Potter: and every other kind of shitty ally tbh

James Potter: hello?????

James Potter: im in Crisis here

Peter Pettigrew: we know, mate. You ok?

James Potter: how??

Peter Pettigrew: well…

James Potter: she texted u???

Remus Lupin: she texted me

Peter Pettigrew: then he told us

Remus Lupin: wtf, Prongs

James Potter: u believe her???

Remus Lupin: didn’t say that, mate. Just a weird situation, yeah??

James Potter: Weird = shitty, then yea. her fault tho for being so dramatic!! And do u arseholes have a group chat w/out me???

Sirius Black: nah. y would we do smth like that to u prongs. go chill @ mine. AND i for one am being a good mate and withholding judgment. (except on evans cos shes clearly at fault here)

James Potter: damn straight she is. 100%!!! and im already @ urs, actually. where r u tho?

Sirius Black: alcohol

James Potter: Good Man

Remus Lupin: I’m getting pizza

James Potter: don’t bother?? never eating again

James Potter: PS no more talking to evans unless its for espionage

Peter Pettigrew: this should be fun

 - - -

 James Potter to Not Lovely Lily: ready for ur apology, like, whenever, babe

James Potter: no?

James Potter: sirius’s sofa is super fucking cosy, btw

James Potter: PS whatever the current differences between us, pls dont stoop so low as to eat Mums biscuits

wed.

 Lily Evans to StupidHair BigMouth: the biscuits were fucking delicious.

James Potter: WOW

- - -

Sirius Black to squatter potter: BABE. u know i theoretically want to be sympathetic to ur emo angst. or whatever. but y the FUCK r u watching x-files at half volume at 3:37 fucking am

James Potter: go back to sleep??

Sirius Black: fucking difficult w the light coming in under my door

Sirius Black: AND u mess up my recs w that shit

James Potter: ill tell pete u think x-files is shit

James Potter: PS dana Scully is /not shit

Sirius Black: the redhead???

Sirius Black: fuckall, prongs, if ur watching the show bc she has red hair

James Potter: im NOT. watching bc it’s a Good show.

Sirius Black: is not

James Potter: it holds up!!

Sirius Black: fine. im not arguing w u bc u cant take the blow of being wrong. i get it. but if u wank to sculley on my sofa, potter, ill end you.

James Potter: u wldnt

Sirius Black: imported velvet. vintage. custom ticking. turned legs. u know how i feel abt that lounge, Babe.

James Potter: /i wldnt

Sirius Black: …

James Potter: k. ill stop

Sirius Black: damn straight. uve been broken up for a day??

James Potter: 31.25 hrs. n we ARENT broken up

Sirius Potter: whatever. make up with evans or im kicking you out

James Potter: what happened to being a good mate????

Sirius Black: making up w evans is whats good for u

James Potter: u know its not that simple.

Sirius Black: if ur waiting for me to ask u WHY its not simple….dont. shldve done that when lupin was here.

James Potter: i /did. i still need to process tho.

Sirius Black: process alone, w the volume below 12 & ur prick IN your pants!

Sirius Black: and reset xfiles to s6e4

- - -

James Potter to #1 MUM <333: mum…you up?

Euphemia Potter: no

James Potter: …wow

James Potter: Good to know whose side ur on???

Euphemia Potter: I’m staying neutral.

James Potter: can you at least make me more biscuits?

Euphemia Potter: no. I gave her permission to eat them. James Potter: p sure that’s taking sides!!!

James Potter: are u talking to her right now???

Euphemia Potter: Her mother has passed, dear. She relies on me for situations like this.

James Potter: WOW

Euphemia Potter: weren’t you just here asking for your grandmother’s engagement ring last week?

James Potter: yes!!

Euphemia Potter: Perhaps you should come over for breakfast tomorrow.

James Potter: no

James Potter: …ill think about it

- - -

Sirius Black to squatter potter: DID I JUST HEAR U FUCKING GROAN

thurs.

James Potter to Babe: listen…sorry abt the sofa thing

James Potter: maybe outta line a bit. I wont watch xfiles tonight tho

James Potter: i can come over tonight, right???

Sirius Black: imported vintage italian velvet lounges b4 m8s

- - -

James Potter to sailor moony: and fuck, like. she deadass looked at me and said ‘im angry’ what does that even mean??? How can she be angry at an accident??

Remus Lupin: Prongs. uve told me this 12 times 

James Potter: seven. my soul splits every time I tell it, so id know

James Potter: fuck

James Potter: LUPIN

James Potter: if u dont answer ill stop supplying ur Weetabix Habit

Remus Lupin: You wouldn’t. You know why??? its 3 in the morning. I didn’t sleep bc two nights ago u were making us listed to the Lily Playlist. Last night Padfoot wldnt stop texting me abt u watching x-files (???) and tonight…I NEED SLEEP 

James Potter: ur right. im not heartless.

James Potter: unlike evans

James Potter: i /am desperate tho

James Potter: if u answer, i wont come over and bug u in person.

Remus Lupin: Deal. So what else did she say?

James Potter: thats it!

Remus Lupin: normal voice, or scary quiet rage voice?

James Potter: wld i be texting u @3am if it was the normal one?

Remus Lupin: fair point…just surprised that’s all she said, considering you killed her pet

James Potter: first mum, now u?? i went to breakfast w/ her this morning and she AMUSHED ME!! ddnt even make bacon! a two hr lecture and No Bacon.

James Potter: over a fish! Remus Lupin: lily’s fish. which u killed. James Potter: it was a tragic, unavoidable accident!!

James Potter: ac·ci·dent 1. an unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally, typically resulting in damage or injury. google does not lie.

James Potter:  anyway thts what i get for doing Chores and trying to help around the flat

James Potter: i can feel ur disapproval, lupin

James Potter: she LOATHED that fish. she called it fish! how attached can u rlly be against smth u havent named. petunia pawned it off on her! she made Flushing jokes on the regular?? rly… was doing her a favor

Remus Lupin: please for the love of god tell me u didn’t tell her that

James Potter: which part

Remus Lupin: all of it. Any of it.

James Potter: well.

Remus Lupin: fuck

James Potter: so can i come over? 

Remus Lupin: …

James Potter: can i come in?

Remus Lupin: where are you?

James Potter: ur front steps

James Potter: i need Emotional Support, lupin

Remus Lupin: fine

fri.

James Potter to grlFIEND: still cant believe you tackled me to the ground this afternoon??? I should report u??

Lily Evans: I should report you??? trespassing? it’s how I’d treat any common burglar!

James Potter: 1. u know I’d be an Excellent burglar. don’t be harsh.

James Potter: 2. its not trespassing when i pay ½ rent

Lily Evans: Technically yes, but morally??? NOT ur flat

James Potter: you know how skeevy my teeth feel w/out my water flosser? which i still don’t have btw??

Lily Evans: I was so mad I threw ur attachments out, so

James Potter: Wow

James Potter: my rug burns are FINE, btw

Lily Evans: I had to buy a black dress, sew a veil, host a FUNERAL, write a EULOGY, send petunia a video of the whole thing, and ur whining about rug burns and a water flosser??? Lmao ok.

James Potter: lmao IM the dramatic one? OK

Lily Evans: Read 1:35:10 AM

James Potter: u actually have to, like, turn on the function for it to be a burn

Lily Evans: Read 1:36:14 AM

James Potter: …

Lily Evans: Read 1:36:25 AM

- - -

James Potter to Babe: u talking to me yet???

James Potter: it was an Accident

Sirius Black: Read 1:45:15 AM

Sirius Black: go to petes

- - -

James Potter: to pumpkin eater: PETE. My dude.

Peter Pettigrew: no.

James Potter: listen. black + lupin have fallen into dishonor

Peter Pettigrew: they haven’t

James Potter: they HAVE in collusion w/ one another and on their own, betrayed and disowned me. whts Dishonor if not that??

Peter Pettigrew: sirius told me u were wanking on his velvet sofa

James Potter: SCULLEY

Peter Pettigrew: i get it, but u know how he feels about that. second only to his motorbike.

James Potter: …

Peter Pettigrew: and u, ofc.

James Potter: he and remus both think x-files is shit

Peter Pettigrew: fuckers

James Potter: so can i come over?

Peter Pettigrew: go HOME, prongs. to ur girlfriend.

James Potter: p sure she dumped me???

Peter Pettigrew: 1. she LOVES ur fucking face. she nearly snogged it off in FRONT OF ME just last week?? shes just as miserable as u are.

Peter Pettigrew: 2. I live w/ my mum

Peter Pettigrew: 3. U rlly have a wanking problem.

Peter Pettigrew: 4. My mum has never seen a penis and I wont let the first one she sees be URS

James Potter: idk how to tell u this, pete, but shes a MUM, so…shes had kids…

James Potter: we can smoke

Peter Pettigrew: come in thru the back

 - - -

 James Potter to sailor moony: fuck

Remus Lupin: …you know my name isn’t actually ‘fuck’ … right? 

James Potter: Remus. Fuck.

Remus Lupin: isn’t pete watching you?

James Potter: he passed out.

Remus Lupin: dammit. where are you now??

James Potter: in a tree. like…u want to do a thought experiment with me?

Remus Lupin: …

James Potter: sorry, shldnt have phrased that as a question. Emotional Support.

Remus Lupin: you aren’t allowed to use that anymore.

James Potter: k, so like, if a person, however well-intentioned, right? like if they did something that hurt someone else. even if they didn’t Mean to. like maybe it’d be decent of them to say sorry??

Remus Lupin: you think???

James Potter: yea

James Potter: i mean…im Not saying that person shld. cos shes still bang out of order w/ the toothbrush. + the biscuits. + poisoning u and my mum against me.

James Potter: *their mate and their mum against them

Remus Lupin: you were saying…about the thought experiment?

James Potter: oh, like, well that person might owe the other person an apology

James Potter: *might. maybe. like 5% maybe

Remus Lupin: i would agree, but more like 95%

James Potter: just smth to Think about. Ya know??

James Potter: OK, heres the thing. its not hypothetical. talking abt evans ofc. cos like, i laughed, right? at her. while shes…crying. But!!! i smiled because it is kind of fucking funny??? shes overreacting + SOBBING. but, like, also cos shes so Cute and she did that elbow thing she always does when shes mad?? cannot convey how cute she was!! its so funny? that was, like, sure, the Wrong thing to do, because it just set her off More, and. ANYWAY, I could kind of…maybe…see how she would be upset by my laughing. or think I was laughing at her pain when really it was her anger. which doesn’t Sound like a good distinction, but it is a Solid distinction. ANYWAY, like, u know I have No Poker face, right?

Remus Lupin: you do wear your heart on you sleeve 

James Potter: we both know ive a LONG history of taking off my shirt

Remus Lupin: really? you, james fleamont potter, have a history of overreacting and making poor decisions and have impulse control problems? i had no. fucking. idea. completely shocked.

James Potter: imma ignore that u used my middle name + the bit abt the impulse control

Remus Lupin: apologize to her??

Remus Lupin: actually…get your thoughts together a little bit more than this, maybe? then apologize

James Potter: gotta figure how to get down from this tree first

James Potter: thx for the talk lupin

Remus Lupin: night, prongs

sat. 

James Potter to Maybe Lovely Lily: can I come home yet???

Lily Evans: lmao

Lily Evans: when u get ur shite together, yeah?

James Potter: u have all of my shite at OUR flat???

Lily Evans: delivered it to remus

 - - -

 James Potter to lupin, fuck: u have my stuff????

Remus Lupin: this pile of shite in my living room? yes.

Remus Lupin: come collect immediately pls.

James Potter: shove it in the spare closet

Remus Lupin: spare closet is full of pete’s contraband he doesn’t want his mum to see.

James Potter: right. well, go through and take what you want as payment.

Remus Lupin: already did. btw why do you have a sumo suit?

James Potter: she brought over the sumo suit???

Remus Lupin: yes.

James Potter: FUCKING WOW

James Potter: btw…how did she look? what all did she say? (not that I care!!!) but is she despondent w/out? dark circles? facial blemishes b/c she’s been too distracted to adhere to her rigorous skincare regime? did she even have the energy to contour??

Remus Lupin: she looked ok .

James Potter: whts that mean

Remus Lupin: i mean she looked fine.

James Potter: no tear tracks?

Remus Lupin: no.

James Potter: damn

Remus Lupin: she didn’t look great though? honestly, prongs, i think she’s just waiting for you to apologize.

James Potter: not a chance????

Remus Lupin: dammit. you were almost there last night

James Potter: ????

Remus Lupin: the thought experiment?

James Potter: i got high with pete last night

Remus Lupin: should’ve known.

James Potter: and I might have, except she gave back the sumo suit which is an act of war????

Remus Lupin: james…do not blow this…more out of proportion. ok?

James Potter: id never

Remus Lupin: BLOCKED

- - -

James Potter to #1 MUM: can i at least have the biscuit recipe???

Euphemia Potter: sent

- - -

James Potter to DEFO NOT LOVELY LILY: the sumo suit??? really???? u know how to cut deep, evans

James Potter: i thought this was going to blow over quickly but apparently no???

James Potter: PS I hope u like The Pic I posted on Instagram (dnt pretend like u arnt stalking me)

Lily Evans: u wldnt

James Potter: …already did

Lily Evans: btw I had to throw ur fave Tupperware away. contaminated w/ dead fish germs.

Lily Evans: like, I almost kept it and dint tell you, but my Conscience (a lil voice that tells u right from wrong) smote me, so….

James Potter: W O W. you kept a dead body in my fave Tupperware???? the one that keeps my soup warm???

Lily Evans: Read 11:13:09 PM

 - - -

 James Potter to Pete McGeet: listen: Chickity China the Chinese chicken

James Potter: and u…have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin’

James Potter: or smth

James Potter: anyway…wanna go to KFC???

Peter Pettigrew: what in the ever loving hell, prongs

James Potter: i think im cracking up

James Potter: defo pissed.

Peter Pettigrew: its sad. And a little bit pathetic.

James Potter: pathetic enough to stay at urs again tonight??? U know abt the others. And Mom wont let me on account of the principle.

Peter Pettigrew: if u bring KFC, yes

James Potter: me + the colonel are in a taxi now…

sun.

James Potter to Rude Remus: MATE

James Potter: got a burner phone

James Potter: PS imma pretend u ddnt block me

James Potter: anyway coming to go through my stuff, ok?

James Potter: Promise ill avoid ur sofa

Remus Lupin: sure thing.

- - -

James Potter to Lovely Lily: babe

James Potter: see u typing. u can pull that Read shit or whatever, but, like, I was sorting thru my stuff @ remus’s??? + I shldve done it yesterday….

James Potter: (dont tell him was here PLS bc hes pissed at me abt smth stupid)

James Potter: ANYWAY underneath the sumo suit – nice diversion btw, that super pissed me off – was a pack of brand new flosser attachments. + my flosser. u even rinsed it???

James Potter: like, Thanks

James Potter: coming home bc u obviously dnt Hate Me Eternally like u said before Lily Evans: i never said that! v frustrated w/ u but i don’t Hate u.

Lily Evans: listen. I know uve wanked (and cried??? oh yes. Pete told me.) urself out of all your friends’ good graces, so

Lily Evans: u can come back to the flat

Lily Evans: its, like, on a conditional basis

Lily Evans: we aren’t shagging

Lily Evans: u live on the couch

James Potter: we have a guest room???

Lily Evans: couch or bust

Lily Evans: you can use the guest bath tho

Lily Evans: and the kitchen…if you cook enough for me, too James Potter: cool

Lily Evans: cool

- - -

James Potter to M8S B4 D8S: fuck yessssssssssss

James Potter: have won!

James Potter: maybe technically it started as my fault? like 15%

James Potter: shes all but apologized!

James Potter: not formally ofc, but i know what she meant

James Potter: knew if I held out long enough, shed come around

James Potter: lupin…have been living in ur car btw….i owe u for crisps detailing

Remus Lupin: ew. Happy for u prongs. Gtfo of my car.

Peter Pettigrew: go home n wait for her to apologize

Sirius Black: wait before u apologize tho 2

James Potter: obvs (+ sorry abt ur velvet sofa Babe. ill pay to get it cleaned)

Remus Lupin: literally going to murder u all

mon.

 James Potter to #1 MUM: I know ur asleep, but I made u middle of the night biscuits.

James Potter: they r UTTER shit but I did Try

James Potter: thing is…u might have been a little (tiny bit!!) right about some of the things you said. Maybe. 

James Potter: anyway, am Home and will probably apologize to lily…soon

James Potter: and i love u and sorry i was so pissy abt no bacon

  - - -

James Potter to Lovely Lily: evans

Lily Evans: potter.

Lily Evans: how did u sleep?

James Potter: ok. u?

Lily Evans: meh

James Potter: i know id mentally said i wldnt do this for another day, on Principle, but Mum guilted me into it even tho she is still sleeping. Except she has a Point. So heres the thing ….

James Potter: and also moony said…

James Potter: i kind of, like,

James Potter: its like this, lil…

James Potter: well

Lily Evans: jfc babe don’t strain yourself, yea?

James Potter: u know what im saying tho 

Lily Evans: i do

Lily Evans: and same. (ish.))))

Lily Evans: it’s like this, james. i….

Lily Evans: fuck

Lily Evans: we rlly have to get better @ this.

Lily Evans: I KNOW it was an accident. and also, like, I sort of apparently overloaded the aquarium power cord in the first place w my hair dryer??? so…yeah

James Potter: fuck

Lily Evans: yeah….and I shouldn’t have, like, tackled u

James Potter: it wldve been hot if not for the rug burns

James Potter: and also i was insensitive w/ the laughing thing

Lily Evans: wait!! We hve to STOP

Lily Evans: can u not apologize yet. not fully to the point where I want to bone u??

James Potter: ….was kind of on a roll here tho

Lily Evans: yeah but we have to stop James Potter: y???

Lily Evans: the longer we fight..the better the make-up sex is going to be, yea? science

James Potter: tru…but id argue good make-up sex now is better than Great, theoretical make-up sex

Lily Evans: that WLD be true, but i, like, ordered something online… James Potter: something. or. like. Something.

Lily Evans: the Something u had bookmarked in ur private amazon wishlist hoping I’d find it

James Potter: stalker

James Potter: i love u….but i still think we should make up properly???? 

Lily Evans: no!!!! it’ll be here on Friday.

James Potter: i got u a new fish & everything!! named him eddie.

Lily Evans: nice!! but u know i hate fish. sold the aquarium to pay for the Something.

James Potter: well. Fuck.

Lily Evans: love you too

#james potter #lily (evans) potter #jily #jily* #linds writes #au: text #au jily #fic: one week