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angelicjadamv · 3 years

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The story so far

One month after graduating high school in 2015 I was finally able to move away from my family. I was 18 and moved to California for college. Fortunately one of the scholarships I earned was accompanied by a summer program that started in the middle of the summer before fall semester. Shortly after settling in a safe, stable environment for the first time in my life I started to get better. A lot better at first. Then life happened, as it does, and 18 years of repressed trauma and abuse broke me. My nervous breakdown ruined my fall semester, I couldn't go to classes or take exams or function as a student anymore. Until this point, being an exceptional student was all I had and basically how I survived. My safe and stable environment now was dependant on maintaining a certain GPA, among other requirements I could no longer meet. I failed one of my main courses because I had a 0 on 2 exams, including the final. When I went home I was put on antipsychotics. Returning to campus for the 2016 spring semester, I attempted to seek more therapy. I wasn't successful in finding a good therapist (for me, therapy is a personal thing. Just because someone isn't a good therapist for me doesn't necessarily mean they are a bad therapist). I did continue to see my 2 psychiatrists (emergency and regular) often as they attempted to adjust my medication to find something that work. My agoraphobia worsened, I stopped sleeping, I could barely eat, I was manic one moment and dissociative the next, SH and suicidal ideation worsened. I was a burden to my friends and loved ones. I made it through this because I had a beautiful support system that I will forever be grateful for, but I ended up taking a leave of absence academically for my second semester, earning no credits and putting my scholarships at further jeopardy. I was allowed to stay on campus because it was clear I was dangerously unstable with no safe environment to return to and because I had incredible advocates looking out for me. I had realized that I wasn't going to get better in time to salvage my academic career and my life, and was mostly clueless as to how I would survive. I had had an internship in my field since I started college, but I earned basically no money. STEM internships aren't really made to be livable for undergrads, so I had mostly been working for experience in a field I would no longer be able to progress in. Bummer. My physical health had taken a huge dive for all of 2016. I basically always knew I was chronically ill, but I had been abused and gaslit my entire life to believe and act like I was fine, I was just a weak baby, I didn't know what real pain or suffering was, seizures were to be ignored, no I didn't have migraines or pinched nerves (um hello SCOLIOSIS), etc etc. And 2016 was the year my body finally started to break, so I knew "regular" jobs weren't going to be a viable option for me, at least not for long.

And thus I became a survival SW. I stayed in college for a final semester, because I didn't want to miss my friends, I loved my campus and didn't know where else to live, I still needed a lot of campus resources. I also kept my internship as long as I could, because I knew I would miss it for the rest of my life. I didn't really go to classes, again, because as much as a desperately wanted to and as much as my advisors moved heaven and earth to try to make it work for me, I couldn't handle it. I was finally able to find 2 great therapists who I started seeing regularly who actually knew how to diagnose and treat me, one at school and one outside. This is also when I met Daddy (Jace) online. After talking for what is probably a stupidly short time, we fell in love and started dating. This is honestly my first real relationship and time actually catching genuine feelings for someone, something that I hadn't thought I was capable of. Despite being happier than I had ever been in so many ways, my mental and physical health was still steadily declining. My migraines and pain were getting worse, I hadn't been able to eat normally in months and relied entirely on medication to eat or sleep at all. Many people recommended mmj at this point in my life, but I was afraid of how it would interact with my other meds. I only smoked occasionally at parties at this point (because no way was I spending my super duper limited money on weed). I wonder if medicating with something that actually worked well for me, like weed, would have allowed me to finish college. Oh well I guess. Because of my inability to attend classes, I had to take another leave for the fall semester 2016. I worked at a strip club briefly, but my health couldn't handle it for long.

I didn't want to go home for the first winter break in 2015, but campus closed and I had nowhere else to go. It was turbulent. When summer 2016 came, I still didn't go home despite having no place to stay. Until a month or so later, it was revealed to me a relative had terminal cancer. I had to go home again. It was worse than turbulent. When winter 2016 came, my relative was in much worse condition. They only had a few months left, and this was probably my last chance to say goodbye. This visit was by far the most traumatic, and more because of my parents than watching a loved one die. At least Jace was able to come meet me for the first time in person. He also got to meet my relative before they passed 🖤

Freshly fucked up by family, I retuned to California at the beginning of 2017. I was mostly taking a break from SW because of my health and was working vanilla jobs as I could (so not much). I had a pretty decent job that I was really good at and had been promoted, but then my relative passed. I started losing consciousness again ( I had many seizures and fainting spells in my childhood and during high school) and had to quit my job. the funeral was in spring 2017, I flew to Jersey to be with Daddy for a few days and then he drove me several states over for the memorial. That was the last time I saw my family. I wanted to transition to online/content creating, but I had no tech knowledge or equipment (even my phone was a potato). In high school I wasn't allowed to have a smartphone, most social media other than what was heavily monitored (and still had 0 experience with platforms sw is popular on besides Tumblr I guess), I didn't really know much about cameras. Way too sheltered and broken to feel like I could start anything. I was now seeing my outside, or I guess regular and only, therapist twice a week and doing treatments that while working for me were insanely (literally) hard. I had been able to get an apartment with roommates at a super discount in return for taking care of their crazy dog, which was a win win for me (he was a good boi just crazy from a bad past and had the worst separation anxiety). The agreement was that I would live with them until the lease was up in September, and then we would reevaluate the situation. Then they both got promoted at their mega corporation jobs. And after their wedding found a really gorgeous apartment in a much fancier part of the city, and paid to break our lease early in June leaving me homeless. I had been fired from my last 2 jobs (probably for being disabled because California is at will employment but who knows I might have been fired from the nanny job because the husband wanted to fuck me). I had no money or anywhere to go. All of my friends were almost as broke as me, so while I had offers to couchsurf at a few of their places they had other roommates who would have been pissed and in a few months they would be going back to school anyways. Daddy and I had been trying to save up to move in together for months, but he was going to move to California. We didn't have any money for that, so instead he asked me to move in with him in New Jersey. Leaving meant I lost my health insurance and my therapist. It was supposed to be much more temporary and we were supposed to move back to California much sooner than we were able to. I try not to be mad at those roommates because being angry doesn't change anything, but it really sucked.

Moving in with Daddy meant we could start our blog! And I was super happy at first, the happiest I could ever remember. But the years had been too hard and my health started to get worse than ever before. Without treatment and so traumatized, my brain and body were constantly at war. I would wake with splitting migraines, throwing up, my chronic pain became completely unmanageable. I started to need weed all the time because it was the only thing that stopped my cyclical vomiting episodes and kept me out of the hospital. My antipsychotics and other meds had been high-key fucking me up (probably shouldn't have been on them in the first place, thank you doctor who also ignored my seizures even when I had one in front of you) and were almost impossible to come off of because the withdrawals. (Seriously, kicking xanax was easier for me than my antipsychotics.) I'm not anti medication or anything, I just know the ones I was on were not good for me anymore. I'd actually like to be on something again, I just need a doctor who actually understands PTSD and DID.

My health continued to be shit for most of 2018, with several ER visits for severe dehydration from vomiting for days on end. We started to make videos and do snapchat and online sessions to be able to make ends meet. Despite being in the worst situation and thus everything being a trizillion times harder, we really loved (and still love 😇) doing SW and creating content. Our fans and clients have been there in some of our darkest moments, just being lovely or pulling through for us when we needed it most. During 2018 and 2019 I became actively suicidal for the first time since I was 13. I struggled with self harm again. I have gotten worse than I ever thought possible. But I wouldn't have made it at all if it wasn't for SW, this community and our supporters.

At the beginning of 2020 we were finally able to move back to California. Obviously, the pandemic severely disrupted many of our plans, especially regarding my recovery. Despite things being delayed or shifted, we are in a much better place currently. I have what I need to get better and I can build a support system again. I will get better.

Talking about things is hard for me. Being open and honest is hard for me. For 18 years I was trained and abused to not be sad or show negative feelings, or talk about upsetting things, and it has been killing me slowly my entire life. I genuinely don't want pity or to make others feel bad, but I do want to give you the chance to get to know me. I don't always talk about things so much. But I'm trying to get better at it.

#angelicjada #oc #about jada

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minestland · 6 years

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Prickly pear and claret-cup cactus (these will soon be showing off their bright spring blooms), and the view from the Toroweap desert water tanks. Here is a photograph of one of the many Fairy Shrimp residing briefly in these ran filled desert water pools at Toroweap: www.flickr.com/photos/12150532@N04/32824618843/in/photost... I stopped on my loop hike and later Fred and I returned to these artistic desert water tanks, some brimming with Fairy Shrimp - - to photograph them and enjoy the sight of the short lives of the desert Fairy Shrimp. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Not one to sit still for long, I took photos at the overlook and then walked south to photograph Vulcan's Throne and Lava Falls. Then returned to hike the rim of the canyon along a circular route, cutting through the empty of campers, campground, and spending time enjoying the fairy shrimp show, in many of the recently filled desert water tanks. Part of the appeal of Toroweap is there are no signs saying "if you fall over the edge it is a long way down" or five foot high cyclone fences keeping you away from the canyon rim edge. In short you have to use good judgment and the park service doesn't try to warn and protect the lives of everyone. who can't use common sense, good judgment and care. In other words: Let Natural Selection .... work. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fred and I did our best to contact "somebody" with the park service, BLM, or any ranger station to find out the conditions of the roads leading to Toroweap (Tuweep) and to see if we could get a permit to camp there for one night (Friday March 3rd, 2017). We couldn't reach anyone and when we were given the opportunity to leave a call back number, nobody did. We decided to head for Kanab, Utah and spend Friday night there and head out to Toroweap early the Saturday morning and make a day trip out of it. There are three roads into Toroweap: 1. From St. George, called the Main Street Route. It is 90 miles long and climbs up over the south shoulder of Mt. Trumbull (good petroglyph panel). It is impassable in winter due to snow and mud. It is the route I took on my first visit to Toroweap in April of 2008. 2. From Colorado City, called the Clayhole Route. This is the shortest way in, just 56 miles but it is impassable when wet (and it had been wet before this March 2017 trip). 3. West of Fredonia, is the so called Sunshine Route. It is 61 miles and is the most dependable way in to Toroweap. That is the road I came out of in 2008 after camping at Toroweap (first come first serve camping back then). And this is the road Fred and I took to and from Toroweap from Kanab. No matter which of the three routes you take in, there is now a gate past the rangers' station, which doesn't allow vehicles to get in and out during "off hours", so no stealth camping. And the road between the rangers' station and the viewpoint and campground at Toroweap, takes care, caution, and high clearance for the last mile or two. Big towing bill if you do a transmission on this stretch. We had a long talk with volunteer ranger Bob on the way in (and later on the way out). The campground was empty he told us and if we could have camped had we known, who to contact (we do now). Oh well. Next time. We saw only a handful of people at Toroweap. Most seemed intent on doing a Chevy Chase "vacation" visit to this beautiful sight. They drove up took a few photos, and left. Fred and I wandered the canyon rim and spent considerable time enjoying the desert water tanks, full from recent rains, and some alive with fairy shrimp. Fairy Shrimp [Branchinecta lynchi] and Tadpole shrimp have incredible "survival and reproduction" strategies as many plants and animals of harsh desert environments do. Freshwater shrimp can complete an entire life cycle in two weeks if needed: egg to egg laying adult. Freshwater shrimp produce two types of eggs. 1. non-fertilized eggs and thick walled "resting eggs". The first kind are produced when water and food are both abundant and hatch only females. When the pools start drying up, food is scarce, and the chemistry of the stagnant water changes - the shrimp produce eggs of both sexes. This generation of mating shrimp produce the "resting eggs". These can withstand freezing, boiling heat, and complete drying out of the eggs (for decades, even for 100 years) UNTIL the next fresh water in the right amounts, falls again. The "resting eggs" can only hatch if the pool dries out completely. Fairy Shrimp, have two pairs of 11 legs, which they use to row their way around in life, swimming upside down. Their color tends to reflect what they eat, so the fairy shrimp at Tuweep were "green" looking. Algae eaters no doubt. They usually hatch in January and die in early March. I will post a few photos I took of the fairy shrimp in the pools at Toroweap. Here is the link to photographs taken, when I camped at Toroweap in April of 2008. A campground owl kept up his call, all night long and a beautiful moon crossed the night sky. A wonderful experience: www.flickr.com/photos/12150532@N04/albums/72157604781519716 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Friday the 3rd of March, 2017: The weather was great. Warm and sunny. Fred and I spent hours hiking the plateau containing innumerable, unique, and artful sandstone rock forms. Little Finland, now located in the Gold Butte National Monument. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Story: There is beauty in winter I do like living in a place where there are four seasons to look forward to. Winter, however, is not my favorite (that would be Autumn). What I have against winter is: 1. adverse road conditions where "getting out" on the road is dangerous, stressful, or impossible. 2. long nights and short days. 3. too much snow, clouds and high winds. 4. cold. I list cold last for good reason. You can dress for cold weather and if the roads are OK, and the weather good there are a lot of things I enjoy doing during the short days of winter. The winter of 2017-2017 has been the absolute worst year in a decade, for poor road and driving conditions (ice, snow, visibility, slush, wind, etc.) The result: cabin fever and too many jigsaw puzzles. So after the last football game on TV I started looking forward to heading to the Southwest as a way to "get outside" and hike and drive back roads as soon as possible. I watched the 15 day weather forecast like a hawk for all the towns closest to my favorite places in Utah, Arizona, and Nevada. Turns out there were some really nice windows of great weather in Southern Utah, Arizona, and Northeastern Nevada in January and February. I was primed to go. I even stirred up some interest among a few of my like minded friends. The problem: When roads were good to drive in Eastern Washington (where I live) and wonderful in the Southwest (where I wanted to go), the roads in between were terrible (covered and iced, traffic accidents, and road closure signs). Around the first part of February there appeared to be a brief opening for road conditions from here to there, with great weather: there (The Southwest). I had two of my road trip friends convinced to go for it, but then yet another succession of winter storms moved across the Western states and I was forced to admit - - road trip #1 for 2017 was not a go. My friends agreed. Trip cancelled. Cabin Fever continued. Another SW road trip weather and road conditions window happened around the 22nd of February. Ed, a good friend and an excellent photographer, whom I have traveled with many times on road trips, had an opportunity to join me. His wife was back in the Southeast helping out their daughter, who was having major foot surgery, and my wife was in Colorado with her two little granddaughters day care duties. So Ed and I set the 22nd of February as our departure date. We had motel reservations set in Boise for the way down and back and then several days at St. George, Utah, where we intended to use as our "base camp" for drives, hikes, and photo ops in the Arizona, Utah, Nevada corner of the Southwest. Ed picked me up in his nice Jeep Wrangler on the 22nd and we were on our way. What a great feeling it was to be "on the road again" and out of the house! We headed for Boise, where we had rooms reserved for Wednesday night the 22nd. Between my house and Boise the roads had been ice and snow clear. No problems driving at all. We headed out of Boise for St. George, at dawn on the morning of the 23rd of February. The farther east we traveled on the interstate, the higher the winds became, snow started falling and worst of all, ice patches started showing up on the interstate. I-84 east of Boise, is an 80 mph highway that some folks will drive at 80 mph, even when ice and snow on the road, coupled with poor visibility tell most reasonable people, that isn't a great idea. About 100 miles from Boise near an exit off I-84 (near Bliss, Idaho), traffic came to a stop. State police were directing everybody off the interstate eastbound, who had not yet passed that exit. The interstate was closed down due to a wreck involving to semi rigs, on the ice covered freeway. We were lucky. Had we arrived ten minutes earlier we would have been past the exit and stuck in the long parking lot of cars, having to wait for hours for the wreck to be cleared and the eastbound lanes re-opened. Ed and I checked the maps and he used a smart phone ap to see that roads all over the area were showing no movement of traffic. It appeared we could get around the wreck by taking highway 26 as others were doing, but I wanted to be certain and ask about the interstate road conditions beyond the wreck between Bliss and Salt Lake City. I jumped out of Ed's Jeep and in blizzard conditions, went over to a police vehicle blocking access to the interstate. He rolled down his window and confirmed that yes, you could get around the wreck by taking a loop on highway 26 but it was slow going with all the interstate traffic, attempting to do so. When I asked about the highway and weather conditions beyond the wreck to Ogden and Salt Lake City, he just shook his head and said "terrible". I returned to the Ed and his Jeep with the bad news, and though both of us hated the decision, we decided to abandon our trip to the Southwest. We called and cancelled our room reservations and started back to Boise, Baker City, La Grande, and Pendleton. Ironically the farther we drove towards Eastern Washington, the better the weather and roads became. At Pendleton, the sun was shining, so we decided to salvage the day and took off for Walla Walla, Dayton, and Starbuck, Washington to visit and photograph Palouse Falls. Ed spent Thursday and Friday nights at my house, so Friday, we took a good weather consolation drive along back roads in the Ellensburg, Washington area to photograph some wildlife and winter snow scenes. Saturday morning Ed headed back over Snoqualmie Pass to his home. Exactly one week after Ed and I had given our Southwest trip a try, I decided that the roads and weather forecast again "looked right" for a the trip that had now twice been abandoned. I didn't feel right asking Ed to commit to another attempt, especially since his wife would be returning home from their daughter's place, so I decided to make Mesquite, Nevada, instead of St. George, Utah, my destination and go solo. I called up another "like minded" road trip, backpacking, hiking friend in Boise (Fred), to let him know I was going to give "strike three" a chance, and head out on in my pickup truck on Wednesday the first of March 1st, 2017, as early as possible. Fred (suffering from major cabin fever, like me), said he would love to meet up with me in Nevada, though he only had a narrow window of two days to spend in the area, due to his work responsibilities. So, I sheepishly called my wife and told her "You won't believe this (but after being married 46 years, of course it didn't surprise her), but I am going to give the trip another - go". Wednesday 3.1.17 I drove to Ely, Nevada.There was only ONE icy interstate section about ten miles long east of Baker City, Oregon, where they reduced the speed limit temporarily to 30 mph, but once past that - - dry road only. When I got to Ely, I got a room for the night. The next morning it was 9 degrees, but no wind, no snow, clear dry highway and THE SUN WAS SHINING. Just before the intersection of Nevada's highways 93 and 168, where I would cut over towards Mesquite, Nevada. My pickup truck shook, then a loud noise boomed. A few seconds later it happened again. I knew immediately what it was, given where I was. Fighter jets (twin tail dual exhaust), were heading single file for some above the desert flight training. They were flying on the deck (a few hundred feet above the ground and at high speed). I pulled over and stopped to watch the last jet cross the road above me and then pull into a vertical climb to join the flight formation gathering. It was a wonderful experience. I got to Mesquite, Nevada and got a room and got my hiking gear ready to go for a trip out to the very recently designated Gold Butte National Monument, a short distance southwest of Mesquite. A cell phone from Fred said he would meet up with me early Friday morning for the back road driving, hiking, and photo ops at: Whitney Pocket; Devil's Throat; and the fascinating rock formations of Little Finland by Mud Wash. We piled into Fred's vehicle Friday morning (a nice roomy Ford Explorer rental unit), and were on our way. The weather was perfect. Few other people out in the area that day. We spent the day hiking and photographing, and bumping along the designated back road routes in the area. To add a little excitement to the day, the left front time of Fred's vehicle blew a hole through the sidewall, while traveling Mud Wash. A Laurel and Hardy scene ensued, as we read the owner's manual, unloaded the back of the Ford Explorer, and got the doughnut spare put on. (Fred doing all the heavy work. Me claiming old age as an excuse for doing the light work associated with the tire change). We got back to Mesquite in time for Fred to get the blown tire replaced and for the two of us to have a nice Mexican dinner at Mesquite. They even had horchata, my favorite drink, when I used to work in Mexico from time to time. Before dawn the next day (Saturday March 4th) we were on our way to Toroweap on the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. It was a 56 mile drive, (by the best route) on dirt roads, with a four wheel drive only section near the end. The road started just west of Fredonia, Arizona. There was some conflicting information on whether or not any of the road would be open to Toroweap and we tried in vain, to see if we could obtain a permit to camp the night there. All worked out well though. We decided to spend the night in Kanab, Utah, and make the Toroweap a "day trip", which we did. NOTE: My first and only other trip to Toroweap was in April of 2008. Friend Ed (who had attempted this trip with me a week earlier), friend and photographer John, my son Derek, and I had all four camped at Toroweap on that occasion. We took the long route in from St. George on that trip. With John's guidance, I had just purchased my first digital camera: a Canon Powershot G9, and was trying to learn how to use on the spot. Here are my Flickr photos of that Toroweap trip and camp out: www.flickr.com/photos/12150532@N04/albums/72157604781519716 Fred and I spent the entire day at Toroweap and were surprised to learn that the campground was open but not one person was camping there. I hiked through the campground later in the day and visited site number one, where Ed, John, Derek and I had camped 9 years ago (no permit required then, just first come first serve). I was delighted to find fairy shrimp in some of the sandstone water tanks at Toroweap. Along with tadpole shrimp, I find their life strategy (with eggs viable for up to a century), fascinating. We celebrated our Little Finland on Friday and Toroweap on Saturday good weather and good fortune, with a wonderful, end of the trip dinner at the "Rocking V" in Kanab. I did justice to a one pound rib eye steak and Fred went local with some bison steak washing the meal down with his beverage of choice: a Spiral Jetty. Thanks Fred. Sunday morning Fred headed back to Boise and I dithered. I thought about extending my stay with some hikes in the area but winds in excess of 20 mph and cold weather was going to move into Southern Utah. My wife would be flying home on the 10th, so I decided to start on home myself. I got a surprise on the drive home. North of Ogden, it started blowing and snowing. It got worse and worse until visibility was really a problem, with snow on the road but fortunately no ice. All the way to Twin Falls, it was near blizzard conditions. Then the snow stopped for most of the way to Ontario, Oregon, where I got a room for the night after seeing the huge "Winter Driving Conditions Ahead" warning sign, across the freeway. Monday morning the 6th of March: no wind, no snow, dry road, sunshine. I drove from Ontario to La Grande, Oregon. No problem. Then across the Blue Mountains between La Grande and Pendleton, I was reminded that winter is not yet over in the Pacific Northwest. Solid ice on the road and 40 mph across the Blue Mountains. I kept my pickup truck in 4WD, Everyone, mostly truckers, were driving sensibly in the conditions, so I didn't see any accidents or vehicles in the ditch. I was sure glad I hadn't tried driving the road the night before. At a lunch stop at Meacham (yes of course: biscuits and gravy, side of bacon, and big glass of milk at the Oregon Trail Cafe), locals talked of the snow that was due in the mountains that night. I was pleased to arrive home by noon on Monday the 6th of March, 2017. A good road trip, excellent hiking, good company, and I managed to gain weight on the trip (might have had something to do with Mexican dinner, in Mesquite; Steak dinner in Kanab; and more biscuits and gravy at Meacham). Enjoy some of the photographs. Oldmantravels 7 March 2017 https://flic.kr/p/SHruN5

#grandcanyonnationalpark #toroweap #coloradoriver #roadtrip #northrimofgrandcanyon #sunshinerouteroad

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