#i dont think ill be fixing anything too major so apologies in advance

[callousdegenerate]

critical comments hurt but they dont usually go without point. I've gotten a good few of them lately, and I want to sort of address things about the story I'm a little disheartened with (no hard feelings to critics whatsoever! its just me going on a little self-analytic expedition in response to more frequent criticisms)

I know I said I'd keep my self-criticisms explicitly for the end of the story, but I feel like giving this a go. (Besides, this is not the whole of what I'll say when the story does end. Just a part of it.)

I do think people forget just how directionlessly this story started and how that really contributed to things down the line. I figured this would go down after maybe 20-30 chapters but kept on trucking anyway. I didnt know what I was going to do with it then. I guess it'd have helped if I knew way beforehand what I wanted rather than playing it by ear, but maybe that's not an excuse when a lot of people know how to improvise effectively. I never figured that out.

The result of this being so badly improvised (even with me planning ideas/chapters in advance to some degree) is that it does feel very jumbled and slow, and narratively unsound. I get that.

It's been a while since I've written, and it's been even longer since I wrote anything that wasn't a short story. I feel like I'm messing this up really bad because of how easy it is to predict the story beats, but I am trying. I knew from the get-go that this was going to be an imperfect beast, and I knew that I needed to focus on writing this for myself. This project has been a rather interesting exercise for me and even though I'm trying to find ways to wrap the main story of a somewhat unlikable protagonist up, I know many readers are tired of the formulaic aspects of it. Even I catch myself going "you've said this before" yet I struggle to stop myself from cutting it out. I'm not sure why, but maybe I'm out of practice. I never used to be this wordy. I was once seen as a very effective writer, but I haven't been able to replicate past successes here, and nobody would ever get that impression based on this story.

I feel bad that I have to be more lore-descriptive in parts of TF beyond the main story because of how much surrounds this place and how limited our knowing of it is through Ten, but I made my decision and I will deal with it. I feel as if the shift in POV and focus will make these a little better, and potentially far more liked than the main work itself. I can't predict that now, but it's something I feel will happen.

I think another crux to how this has been written is that I wanted chapters to be longer. After some of the first major long chapters, I kept wanting to write more and more. When big things started happening, it was exciting! But then (likely after Jay) things started to lose focus to some degree, and I do feel terribly guilty about it because I still wanted to keep writing smut while incorporating sprinkles of plot. It's hard to balance the visit-rest / POV rules I set for myself and still produce an effective and concise story. People aren't even really reading the smut anymore because the story slowly stopped being focused on just that and drew reader interest to the plot itself, so when the plot doesn't go very quickly, it is disappointing. I understand that. I think what this story wanted to be is very hard to place because it changed from chapter 1 to chapter 60 to chapter 70 and so on.

Even when I try to limit my chapters to 20 pages now, because of the notes in each chapter I want to hit, it ends up almost twice that, depending. I also forget very minor details sometimes even with all the notes I've made for myself, so I may forget entirely that I've said something already in a different way. I also struggle finding a cohesive way to connect chapter plot points. Maybe I don't need to write every transition between rooms, every instance of thought, every comment or idea, but I can't help but do so because I feel weird being too concise now. I think that's something I still need to work on. I feel bad going from a 40 page chapter to a 15 page one, so I try not to write that little anymore, and so it ends up feeling cyclic. I may try to fix that, but I don't know how right now.

In the end, I'm certain this story will continue to feel repetitive until it ends, even when bigger plotty things I plan to happen do happen. I do apologize for that. It's something I'll have to try alleviating in future works. I think the limiting perspective of Ten is one part of the problem, but I don't want to believe against the effectiveness of 2nd person POV that many writers argue against. I just can't be the writer who makes it work, but I'm glad to have given it a shot. It's important to try new things to expand your horizons as a writer!

I am disheartened with criticism, but not completely put off from my writing (you can't get better by quitting, but taking a step back and a deep breath in is okay). I know I need to take a step back myself, and be more self-critical, but often I just struggle to be an effective writer. This is why I don't take ill with people who choose to break from the story because they can't stand how it's going and how repetitive it is. I know well some of its issues even though I struggle to avoid them. I will miss those ex-readers, but I am glad for those who genuinely see something in my writing enough to stick with my story this long (from what I'm gathering, people think my writing is good, but my narrative structure is bad, which is fair).

Again, there are things that will happen in time. At this point it's likely it will exceed the 100 chapter count, but I will try to avoid going over too much. The chapters I have planned will still have visit-rest formats, but some things will happen soon, if that's anyone's concern. I do apologize if I bore anyone with my structure! I hope this clears up my thoughts on all that.

#CD Screams A Lot #CD Facility Story #im not mad at all i just want to look into this kind of criticism and give my piece./ #i know explanations are not excuses I just want to be more clear about how things have been and what I notice./ #I dont think i'm being hard on myself so please don't defend me too much if you feel bad about me posting this lol #its just the nature of writing tbh. criticism is part of it and self-criticism is equally important./

[thedapperrabbit]

She-Ra Rewatch: season 3 and onwards through season 4, and boatloads of Introspection time!

So Ive been rewatching She-Ra with my partner, because sharing Entrapdak is caring. I could probably squee on about that for a century or more (because eeee, sharing things i love with people i love AND THEY EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS AND REMEMBER THEM!)...but ill spare you, kind internet strangers who for some reason find my thoughts mildly interesting enough to be reading this. This is going to be a lot. Like, a LOT. A lot especially from a stranger that youve probably only seen a notification from due to me sticking a heart on your content or for reblogging something lovely youve made in pictures or words. I dont think anything is going to be violently trigger-y because im not always great at judging that stuff and also ive yet to feel quite comfy enough to be  fully open-posting specifics about my own past trauma, other than a vague allusion to self-harm and distant-ish unspecified abuse aaaand the usual childhood garbage truck of assholes....but i suppose you could possibly draw some darker potential conclusions from the content im focused on. Also, my ADHD makes it incredibly hard to keep to a straight and non-branching narrative so...ramble-y bits and expressions of brain frustration ahoy. Either way...you are forewarned, just in case. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a small booklet by the time Im done explaining, and thinking, and then attempting to stick words to abstract feels which sometimes im great at, and then others i fucking suck at...but at least this is all written and not me trying to say this to any of your faces! Thats....a mercy all of its own. Haa...  Anyway, while rewatching with my partner, I realized just how much more painful parts of it are to sit through now...they were the first time, and each time since, but NOW having spent a while mulling over the series as a whole a bunch, and reading a lot of other peoples writings on here and finding myself largely in agreement with most Entrapdak fan’s assessment of things, I just....feel like all the air is ripped out of me during some moments, watching  with keener insight. And despite thinking i had myself reasonably well figured out by my age, its all also made me further consider a few things about myself as well. Particularly my notable internalized fury response to chunks of it which have been consistent through all my viewings of SPOP. With Hordak at least, its way easier to understand my reactions. For me at least. Maybe not so much for the people around me. And, shittier due to intensity and subject matter, but still easier in the long run because...the broken bits in me that he resonates with are fresher and sharper and still more recent, like within the last ten years, and thus more towards the front shelves in my head, compared to things that resonate with Entrapta, which are all old, lifelong dull aches at this point. I feel like nothing i can point to is fully sufficient to fully express my feels involving Hordak. But, maybe the best representative moment is with the crying i do every damn time I see his face looking up at Prime just after he glimmer and catra were beamed up...because ive seen that face in the mirror. I HAVE MADE THAT FACE. That same. Goddamn. Face. I may not have gotten a jab to the back of the neck directly from the person I made it at...but they often seemed to silently goad me to harm myself in an attempt to jolt my brain out of getting stuck in re-looping through what theyd just done/said to me. Likewise, much of his interactions with Entrapta are very...very weirdly familiar in feeling, but in a good way. Watching the stuff with Hordak hurts because fuck me if it isnt frequently like watching myself back in 2008ish to 2013, which was the duration of the worst parts of that particular circle of hell i parked my ass in. So...that makes sense. Hes so well written in those moments, it occasionally gave me PTSD flashbacks (still does a little, but now im prepared and braced for it and can shrug it back off....thanks, lifetime of therapy and years of studying abnormal psychology! Still totally not an expert, just very passionate...just, as a disclaimer).  Entrapta though...Entrapta is a different story. Mostly, I see Entrapta and in her free expressions of delight and joy and her bouncy enthusiasm I am reminded of a younger, less discouraged me in some ways, and in others, a “me” I could have been, but...well, extremely early-onset anxiety and depression made me insanely self-conscious super-super early on...not that i was great at hiding or...i guess the term people seem comfy with is “masking”? Which was a huge problem, or so it was in the 80s when far less was understood of such things. Id do so for a bit and then would forget to, in a way (because id forget long enough to go and trust again reflexively) and would get badly bullied and would squish everything down until id feel a crumb of safety again, and then almost instantly ADHD would pop that mask right the rest of the way off aaand it would start all over again. Ad nauseam until my teen years, where the depression sort of “fixed” that, and made it much easier to destroy my desire to share much of myself freely at all, save for with one or two people, and to a less deep extent a broader circle of nerd friends. Course, then i hit 30 and ran out of the majority of fucks I used to give. Or I became so damaged and salted with anger that parts of me dont grow any fucks anymore? Either way, plowshares to swords, WHEEEE!) And, maybe thats where this time while watching, I started to really think back to all that, and to how i see Entrapta treated by the other princesses, or really just in general except by Hordak...and why it burns my biscuits so badly. Every time I see someone roll their eyes at Entrapta’s beautiful unbridled enthusiasm or try to make it seem distasteful or at least weird and unwanted and uncomfortable for them but then dont even bother to try coming to terms with why they feel that way... or how they seem to feel free to grab and manhandle her without her consent, or the way they try to lessen her contributions because shes non-normative? Like its the fucking least she can do to make up for being weird in their space (...okay, that might just be the anger kicking in..but i dont feel like its an entirely innacurate assessment, is it?)  All of that...seeing it inflicted upon someone, It feels like someones punched me right in the damn sternum, but because its a hurt that im so desensitized to, it seems to have a much different effect than the sharp, violent crushing pain that i feel when I relate to Hordak a little too well for comfort. Again, i could go on, but its nothing more eloquent people on here havent already spoken volumes on. And my first gut reaction is always “I dont understand! why is that their reaction to her?! it doesnt seem logical at all, i dont seem to be able to parse it correctly, how is this acceptable? I HOPE SHE IMMOLATES YOU ALL.”. Which...I suppose isnt entirely usual for me (the silent wishing that people be immolated, I mean...i blame my past years of working in retail. And devouring too much Warhammer 40k contentl).  (oh gods...and this is going to be the most clusterfucky part cause i can feel my meds kicking in and thats gonna be hard to keep coherence on but i gotta get this all out of my head or ill forget it or get too scared of you fucking BRILLIANT insightful smart people on here and then ill continue to live scared and regretful that i never said..anything, and just sat here like “noticeme, entrapdak sempais!”  Ehhn...which is to say, if this is a garbage dump from here down, dont worry, when i wake up ill fix it...but hopefully itll at least make a tiny bit of sense ) But I realized something...something I hadnt ever rememberd much about due to the shitty neuronormative (apology if thats wrong term) behaviors continuing over years and years but in less and less directly aggressive ways as i grew older and was more prone to losing my shit in , (and likely because I got excessively lucky and managed through...uhhh...agonizing determination? Sheer stubbornness? Alleviatory rebalancing of universal karma? fuck if i know --to  curate a surprisingly supportive circle of other castoffs and misanthropes.) That was exactly how people used to treat me.  OKAY THISLL BE EDITED LATER to add in the rest of what i was gonna say...im...too full of Ambien sleep meds and damn write it anymore...and im aing trouble separating realigty and dream...an i k apawing at the kybord...not safe Lov yous for reading this far. Il fix it later, swears.

#should i tag this? #im not sure if i like it #berres #psyhcology of pop culture chraracters #psychology of the writer/author