#i csnt live like this and its just getting worse

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i truely have so much anger built up inside me about my job. ive done a very good job of making it unbearable #and after taking a 10 day vacation. plus 2 days of not working bc im sick. i really dont wanna go back #i was planning to take 3 days to not do fucking anything but my boss just emailed me with some time sensitive #logistical things. so like i guess i gotta fucking do that tomorrow. i started reading the email and it made my head hurt #and she started it off like. hopw ur feeling better and i dont wanna cause stress but... #like bro. listen. if u tell me these things u put them in my head and i csnt stop thinking abt them until theyre done. and its not her #fault bc im the one that put myself in a place where im barely keeping it together. its just frustrating #bc it feels like hope u feel better but also kill urseld 💖 but again thats just how it feels bc im so. idk how to describe it im like in a #state of post burnout. im sitting in the ash. alone in a desolate landscape and its like jesus how tf do i fix this? #and i cant even run out my anger rn bc im sick. and i mean i have the energy to run i dont feel lethargic but like i doubt that would aid #recovery lol. ugh. 2 months. thats all. then i move away. assuming i find a place to live lol. bc i currently haven't yet #but whatever. assuming i get better quickly and dont get worse and dont get covid on top of this cold bc my dad got covid #it will have been a bit of a blessing i came back sick bc i have a clear justification for not working and for telling people to fuck off #when they ask for things from me. like today a lab mate asked if i could sample Monday. which it technically #a holiday but i probably would have said yes if i wasnt sick. and i would have had to teach undergrads some bullshit friday if i wasnt sick #instead i just did nothing all day bc i almost moved bsck my flight and didnt leave home until the weekend anyway #i guess its good i didnt bc then i would have been stuck in ohio bc my dad found out he had covid yesterday #idk its all just frustrating bc im halfway in a transition and im not doing very well but i cant do anything to fix things until i leave #the southwest. like i dont even kno if i have health insurance rn. my benifits change request was processed but like does thst mean it was #approproved? fucking idk. so everytime i do anything i imagine a worstcase scenario where i end up hospitalized and damned to an empty #bank account or eternal medical debt. tho my mum said they passed a law where they arnt allowed to do thst to u anymore 🤷‍♂️ #whatever. im annoyed. i dont wanna work 😫 #unrelated

[cogbreath]

its very stressful and painful and honest to god heartbreaking when my mom tells me to avoid stepping in when my dad is being abusive bc she's worried he'll get worse towards her if i do . shit got rlly ugly tonight. im very very tired of having to just watch & hear this shit happen. im very tired of having to pretend it doesnt effect me. im tired of being made to stay out of the way im tired of being told to be nice to that man im really so tired. my whole life basically in this house ive had to live like 😐. i dont think either of them really realise how deeply this shit has broken me apart over and over again thru my life. ive been having to be the Neutral Mediator since my childhood with this. its very distressing for a child to have to tell their own mother that this shouldnt be happening. that its not normal.

i dont think any of them understand how often i/my alters think about Ending It For Good. why woildnt i? do you think the way ive grown up makes a person feel like they even have a future at all? especially when as a kid i was afraid he was gonna try that first and kill us both. i have a deep internal thought that i need to do it before he does ir first

my mom is still talking like shes on voard with having him move out of here soon but like. when is soon. soon is coming, right???

i csnt let that not happjen

i will lose it if that plan falls through

i dont rlly have any drugs or anyrhing to ease myself

i dont know what to do

shpuld i just run away?

i dont have anywhere to go. i have no friends no job nothing like that but this is just so painful to deal with. and. honestly. i cant leave her alone with him. i cant. i know my existence and presence does little to acrually help keep things from going worse; but i feel that if i wasnt here, it would get way way worse

my mom has so many breakdowns abt how nobody wnats to save her or help her

i do

i do

but she doesnt want to LET me. i dont know what she wants. i dont know what im supposed to do anymore. ive given all my advice. i tey to listen to her ans let her vent but its not enough i guess

[purrfectly]

i am in so much pain the bugs r eating me alive

#purrsonal #i got two bites on the back of my hand and the rash from it is now on my wrist #everything itches #luckily rash is the most allergic rxn ive had #no hot hard pulsing pain from mosquitos #imma get hella benadryl and anti itch and general first aid on wednesfay when we go to the store #maybe some bug spray too #i csnt live like this and its just getting worse #already i have one that ik is gonna scar

[myownprivatcidaho]

Rant ahead.

#re my last rb: no joke half an hour ago i was crying in my backyard from sheer ANXIETY of trump possibly winning. because it seems so so #LIKELY. and at this point im not so much afraid of how many people are vlting trump as im scared of how many ARENT voting biden. #bc i think if enough people were to vote/not go thkrd party theres a BIG chance that biden could win. im nearly certain of it. but just #to see how manh people arent thinking past their (very valid) criticism of the dem candidates to see what will haplen if they dont vote #or go third party. its sheer stubbornness and it mames me anhry but FURTHER it makes me terrified. #and this isnt coming from someone who wont be affected by any harmful policies biden could potentially out in place. #im a biracial lgbt woman for christs sake. but seeing how many people are overlooking what WILL! INEVITABLY HAPPEN TO ME AND EVERYBODY ELSE #IN MARGINALIZED GROUPS!!! AND IGNORING WHAT WILL INEVITABLY HAPPEN IF THEY AND OTHER PEOPLE KEEP ACTING LIKE SELF ABSORBED JACKASSES WHO DO #SOLELY WHAT THEY WANT FIRST AND FOREMOST RATHER THAN WHAT OTHER PEOPLE IMMEDIATELY NEED !!!! #its fucking TERRIFYING. the inactivity. the stubbornness. the apathy and the fucking SELFISHNESS i fuckjng hate thks. #im terrified for loved ones who are being forced back into schools and jobs. im terriefied for my 65+ diabetic dad even though our #relationship is fucking terrible. im terrified that my mom is gonna fucking die and ill have to take care kf everyone in the house. im #terrified of being nonwhite and in fucking texas abd im even more terrified for my black friends here. a few weeks ago just one cjty over a #black woman was lynched and its terrible down here. and its only getting worse bc now white supremacists are safe enough to get bolder and #more blatant in public. this is the state kf the country that trump has descend us into and its fucking terrifying and literally ANYTHING is #better than this. this is literal fascism that we're on the brink of and youre willing to risk the lives and safety of people who will bear #the brunt of it just sk you can feel like a proud edgy nonconformist at the ballot?? GO!! FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!!! #ive had to lay off twt a couple days bc its. TERRIFYING. the INDIFFERENCE on thekr and the IGNORANCE makes me more anxious than the amt of #trump voters. because these are people i otherwise agree with on a lot kf thongs but just seeing them be edgy and refusinh to LOOK at the #consequences of acting like a fucking baby at the FUCKING VOTING POLLS. i csnt do this. im fucking terrified. that apathy. that INDIFFERENCE #is killing me. theyre making it abou themselves and its fucking selfish and !! fucking terrifying!!!! #sia vents

[chrisbangs]

me: this night can’t get worse

this night: gets progressively worse

#tw bugs #i cant stop crying lmfaooooooo 🤣🔫🔫🔫🔫 #i was in my room getting ready for bed and i didnt have a shirt on lol and #i saw a fucking centipede on my wall #it wasnt even a fucking small one it was huge #and i just fucking freaked out and i woke both my mom and dad up #and bc i was already feeling so awful this just made it worse and #i just started crying in front of my mom and my mom was like dkdmdkdkd its just a bug youve dealt with worse havent u and #like yes i have had worse experiences with bugs but likendksmskskks god #and she even offered to make my dad sleep in my room and to let me sleep with her in their room #but i didnt want to bug him so i just fucking took my pillow and my blanket to the living room couch and im here sobbing now 🤣🔫 #fuck im just #this night is just a ride lmfao im #i csnt stop crying lmao #i feel like such a kid for being upset abt this but like fuck #and i cant even sleep rn but i also have to be up by 6 am tmmr and im just ?????? #its almost 3 rn #like fucffodkcodkwkw #im so upset rn i cant even fucking put into words how updmkdodd bad i feel rn i just want to fucking catch a BREAK.

[tiny-tsukino]

Prepare for more internal venting.

So i face-timed my adoptive moms the other day (family history is complicated just roll with it) and i love them. I do. But like.... They know ive been struggling. They know i cant really drive up to see them with the state my car is in and my whole job situation the wholw years has been a constant up and down (basically 2019 has been a gd nightmare and i cant wait for it to end)

And yet...

They still insist i come up to see them. Its a 3 hr drive. My car is in desperate need of new tires and an alignment. Which i havent been able to afford all year due to constant shit. Im going to be short this paycheck because im only doing part time hours and went from being paid weekly (and having that paycheck be massively late, leading me to quit) to getting paid Bi weekly. Meanwhile, they can afford multiple trips out of or around the country, buy tattoos on the regular and... Im just kind of sitting here. Because when i try to explain they insist theyll help... Their help comes in the form of $20. Which, yes i am grateful for it, but that may cover gas. If im lucky.

I just... I feel like they dont understand. The thing is when i lived with them, the 4 years was spent with them hinting at me to move out (wasnt really earning enough to save because id been paying off this car and going to school which required me to spend most of my funds on that on top of groceries and rent. Also, this would be my first time living alone.. I was scared ok?)

I felt like the christmas puppy. Everyones allll excited to get me there but when i do show up, i get put in a room and.. Well i dont feel like coming out because you all seem annoyed by my presence.. They dont seem to like my husband--having said things in front of him like 'we failed as lesbians because youre with a man' and just straight up blowing him off if he says anything to the point where he csnt be around them because it just reaffirms his belief that hes trash and no one wants him around...

I feel like nothing i do is good enough and that i was essentially a practice doll for my cousins. Who theyre eager to spoil at any given time.

I love them.. I do. But this relationship has been the cause of so much stress and anxiety that ive just taken to lying to them to just get space because if i say anything theyre going to make it out like its ALL my fault. 'well you need to do this. Youre not being responsible. We taught you to do better.' well, heres the thing. You cant expect me to switch from adult to a baby like you seem to treat me. For fucks sake when i lived with them-- despite cleaning all my mess-- i was told i had to go in the kitchen to eat anything. Couldnt go to the living room WITH THEM to watch anything, and i couldnt go to my own room. The idea of me using a knife, despite being expected to make dinners on occasion, was not acceptable and oneI of them would always insist on doing it FOR me. I just... Idk. Im considering finding a way to cut them off. Which probably isnt the best solution and not one i really want but... Idk what to do anymore. Maybe its for the better.. Maybe itll make things worse... Idk.

[fisherfurbearer]

tw invert death

I fucked up.

Eight spiders are dead. I haven't gone into work for a couple days again. I thought I was getting better, but I'm really not. I've become the type person I hate most. I can't keep doing this.

I thought I had my life worked out after everything thats happened in the past four years, but it's not okay. I can't pursue that life after I've let eight of my ffucking pets die by my neglect. I can't fucking do this. It's not right. I'm a terrible person but saying that doesn't bring them back. I can't fix this. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know what to do and I feel like driving off a bridge.

Everything felt like it was getting better. I thought it was. But what felt like 2 days was 2 months and my work schedule was 12-9 pm for so many weeks and I was too tired (or obsessed with stupid, pointless things) to do anything on my days off and they just. they fucking dessicated. Anytime I was reminded they need to be fed, I got horrible chest pains and anxiety even though I loved them so much before. How did it get like this? They were / are my little babies before...and then they became another source of extreme anxiety. I guess everything did for a while. I fell into a horrible suicidal depression for a few months after the fire and dealing with my mother. N O T H I N G made me happy, not even my pets.

But everyone was alive and I did bare maintenance for a long time and it felt like that was enough for a while and then I just. Hahaa. It was when I was feeling Genuinely Happy, my new medicine was working, I got accomodations and help set up at my job, I accepted I can't go to college anymore and that's okay, I moved on, I started planning for my new future, , I started fixing the vivariums and the plants that died and I was taking care of the roaches again and I was getting to work and not breaking down about it,,

But at the same time I was so happy it felt like a day or two was passing by but the calender would be three weeks behind and the Ts werent fed at all and if I thought about them it made me feel horrifically guilty and ANXIOUS and then it spiralled out of control and then yesterday I just said fuck it i need to see them i need to care for them NOW no matter WHAT andd then i found them eight of them are dead conte is dead lucy is dead and boopus is dead (woth a roach still hiding in tjere how did that happen) and the smallest ones are all gone

i have...10 left...

its been getting so hot inside that a lot of them started molting and then i think that made it worse and then the smallest ones didnt make it and its my fault and i cant bring them back and i csnt do this anymore its not fair to tje ones that are alive i thought i could take care of them i thought i could. before i got really depressed id take care of them 2-3 times a week, id look at them every day, id talk about them nonstop and spend so much of my money and time just improving their enclosures and their care and adding to my roach colonies for them and think of new ways to make their lives better

and then i became this. i thought it was ok for so long that when it stopped being ok, it still felt like nothing could go wrong but then it did.

it kills me tje most because just a few days ago i was talking about all these Big Nice Wonderful things that made me happy, and in the past couple months I've felt so at peace and happy and alright, but I still wasn't okay at all I guess I still wasn't fine and they suffered for it and I can't bring them back

God I don't know what to do

They're gone. They're just gone. I can't keep doing this. I don't know what to do.

Sprry for so much negativity on this blog and so much radio silence. I think I'm just. Done, is all. Just done, now.

#tw animal death #tw pet death #im just done. im done. #really want to crash my car or drive off somewhere until im out of gas #byt that doesnt fix what i did #it cant bring them back #i cant fix this #and i cant lie to anyone here anymore #its not alright #im a terrible pet owner. #i dont know what to do.

[iwantbloodgutsandchoccake]

HUGE TW GO AWAY IF U DONT WANNA HEAR SU.C!D3 THOUGHTS

-also this isnt a call for help i just dont like the way notes look i hate yellow tunblr is pretty so plesse ignore this if it bothers you

--- boring boring everythinf is so boring i wanna do things ive never done before, it doesnt matter what it is anything i havnt done i want to do but at the same time i csnt bring myself to do anything i text no one all day and i wanna dissapear soso bad i really wish i could just do shrooms and not worry about anyrhinf and do all the things ive never done. i have been siting around smoking weed all day and sleeping snd playing genshin and playing survival horror and fucking sister location for so long. when i wake up i wanna smash my head in the floor and sink into the ground i wanna feel my body floating but i also want to see the bright colors inside of me, i want to be able to do these things while not dying just yet, stab my stomach and grab all my organs and ts:td them. why do i want to do this. i want to do things that arent humanly possible everyday. i take my meds and feel like they are making me worse becuase im taking them ome day then not for a couple weeks and so on, my body is confused and everyday i want to relapse so bad but i dont, because i hate when people accidently see my sh and i get this chill down my whole body at the same time a heat flash, i cant stop wondering what they are thinking, do they feel bad for me? are they blaming themselves? do they think im weak? do they now feel upset because they think i am or was? because at this point, the past year, im doing it for fun. for example, i have no reason to be sad or upset or wanting to die so fucking bad, and i just get all these thoughts rushing through my head screaming pulling yanking all my body to take action and listen to them and i havnt in awhile, ive been fighting it way too hard, when i get too overwhelmed when that happens i bang my head on the floor and grab my face and pull my skin down imagining my nails are pulling it off but alas no it leaves marks but not nearly close to what my thoughts are seeing. i feel sick all the time i never feel at peace with myself. i have all a's right now and i have no idea how. i thought if my grades were better id feel better even a bit but no, tryinf to fight it is too hard, i wanna die in every way. every way. i deserve it i really do, but i cant think about why becuase then my head will hurt way too much and ill throw up. im a bad person, i really am. i seem like such a sweet n loving person, but the truth is i have a big attachment issue while staying distsnt at the same time, i think about that thing way too much and imagine all these things happening that never will, its not day dreaming its discusting, i dont mesn sexual i mean like every gross thing my childhood was ruined with. everything i fucking love turns into me obbessing over it and when i obbsess over something my old obbsesion tries to imterfere. none of this makes sense im just like half asleep writing bs but anyway ive gotten back into my fnaf phase i was in after i got out of my time i lived with my dad, 7 years ago. my trauma had nothing to do with him, actuslly i take that back bigtime. anyway i had internet access way too young and sadly came across the wrong side, and sadly its part of who i wm now, becuase of what i decided to watch all the time staying up at night wtaching live g*re and then going to school like nothinf happened. i was fucking seven years old. why did that have to happen. i wish i never was able to touch a computer and social media. all the things i love are ruined. i ruined them. what messes up my mind? yeah okay a fucking mental disorder but what caused it? everyone around me feel so fake and i feel like ive been living in a video game for seven years. i wonder if my best friend thinls im a discusting person. they arent a perfect person, no one is but they have a pure bliss personality, no bad thoughts about hurting others and wanting to do unhuman things. i want to destroy my brain, none of the information i have in my mind is useful. i dont think ill live past 18, i thought that when i was eighr years old. if theres one thing im certiam of its there truly is no point in life. goodnight i hope you all sl

[dinoskeleton]

i complan too much on finsta so im putting this into the void. i feel like an ugly piece of shit all the time lately bc of the fucking birth control i got back on also my skin is breaking out so thats fucking great and i am having hair remorse and always feel like i look unloveable l m a o i hate i wish i did not look and feel the way i do and i would like to have confidence and not care for college but i dont know if it's ever gonna happen and if i will ever be the person i wsnt to be and today my mom talked to me about how soon i begin on the path of never living st home again and im so terrifyed that im never going to be satisfied with my life bc what is the point if youre just habing a job so you can have a place to live im so scared of thst endless cycle on top of the fact that im 99% sure that im always going to be alone in life and that i will never find the right person who will want to be with me as much as i want to be with them because honestly that sounds fake and i just hope college is a good experience for me and thst i make new friends that actually give a shit about me for once in my fucking life lol its just money is always a problem and depression is always a problem and everything is so scary all the fucking time but i cant keep living in this endless cycle of doing nothing because it's making everything worse but i have no motivation to do anything about it and my dad being the way he is is another entierly different situation bc he is one of the main reasons i csnt wait to get the fuck out of here and at least soon i will have three days of peace and quiet to mtself but i already know in gonna be paranoid as shit, i guess good bye for now if anyone at all read this hey and please don't ever talk to me about this

#rant??????? #im dying lol