#i could talk about gay lawrence forever he compels me so much

[zer0point5ive]

“how did i get here? i had everything in order. my whole life was in perfect order” really was crazy considering that was .. simply not true but. if i said that ‘in perfect order’ means something very specific to lawrence

if i said that, for lawrence, order is being able to maintain the facade of being the perfect family man, the doctor with certificates on his office wall and a wedding band on his finger, the guy who also attempts to pursue an affair with another woman because he’s desperately trying to convince himself of .. something

creating this narrative around himself and making sure everything he thinks he is or wants to be is maintained in little boxes, meticulously organised to the point that it’s falling apart in front of his eyes and it’s still ‘in perfect order’, it’s still preferable to the alternative .. having to face himself. and then ! well then he wakes up locked in a room with his choices that led to this point laid bare

chained up with no way out as he’s suddenly forced to confront it all, a front row seat as the careful persona he’s built crumbles before his eyes when the man opposite him pulls out a bunch of photos. lawrence, who’s so careful to only be perceived in a very specific way, who presents himself as this guy he’s created, is suddenly faced with someone he can’t hide from, someone who’s seen at least partly beneath the exterior and developed it in black and white. lawrence, who claims that he’s never in photos, suddenly being faced with this reality of himself being captured in the flash of adam’s camera

#im perfectly average about lawrence my feelings are extremely normal now who wants the ten page essay #i could talk about gay lawrence forever he compels me so much #saw bathroom closet metaphor still goes crazy #if i said gay lawrence but i also said autistic lawrence then. what #masking nd being the person he thinks is ‘correct’ while also repressing his sexuality what Then #everything else aside because. autistic lawrence is insanely real to me #lawrence gordon #saw 2004 #📹 #woke up at 5am delirious nd in a cold sweat typed this out & then passed out again #what lawrence will do to a guy