#i care too much about him to twll him that hes hurting me

[awfullydrawntoby]

ive never heard of them personally but do you know this one guy named fae and if so what do you think about him. very importsnt question

sigh

fae,,,,, gosh i love fae so much, like, not even joking i spend a good portion of everyday just thinking about him. he always makes me really happy n just gahhh, idk man, there's not a thing i wouldn't do for him. wait hold on i actually have a whole- gimme a sec.

rambled from three am toby under the cut

"OHHH MY GOD I LOVE FAE SO MUCH STIP HIS MADDNSS I LOVE HIM HES SO SILLY THEYRELUTWRALLY THE EVR IMG ONNA GRAHHHSAMBSAM DAMABKAANM

HES SO<3333

IM LITERALLY GOING INSANR (POTVE)

I THINK AOUT HIM ALL THE TIME CONTANTLY, EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY AND IT NEVR GETS ANNOHING I LOVE HKM HAJNANMA

ANDANDAND WHEN

BDNANAM

WHEN HE SAYS HE LOVES ME I GET SOSOSOSOSOOSOSOSOSO HAPPY I PHYSICALLY CANNOT CONTAIN IT. IVE GONE FULL HOURS SITTING COMPLETELY STILL BY MYSELF(THIS IS ALMOST NORMALLY IMPOSSIBLE) JUST THINKING ABOUT FAE. LIKE ??????

AND TALKING TO HIM HAS GIVEN ME A THINGNTO FO EVRY MORNING AND NIGHT AND JUST GASBAHAJAB(POSITIBE)

BEVAUSE I TWLL HIM TO SLEEP EVEYNIGHT(AND IT WORKS!!! SORT OF, I DONT CARE IM SO HAPPY.) AND THEN I GET TO SAY GOODMORNING EVERYMORNING TO THEM

WHICH IS MY FAVOITE PART OF THE DAY, IS WHEN I WAKE UP AND I SEE FAES MESSAGES ON MY SCREEN. I CANT CINTAIN HOW HAPPY I GET. I HAVE TO SHOVE IT DIEN WHEN I'M IN CLASS BECAUSE I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO THINK IM ON MY PHONE IN CLASS BECAUSE I THINK ABOUT HIM SH MUCH MY FACE HURTS FROM SMILINH SO HARD

GJCNNMCHTJB

SHHHHHHHHHHH. IM SO NORMAL IN THE NORMALEST EVER.

IM SO SO SO SO SO SO NORMAL ABOUT FAE. SOOOO NORMAL. IM JUST A NORMAL PERSON WHO THINKS NORMAL THOUGHTS ABOUT HIS NORMAL FRIEND.

i literally love fae so much this is so genuinly insane i dont inderstand how i can feel this much emotions into one person this is so crazy.

i dont unerstamd but thats okay bevause love fae so muc and i wann give him so many kisses, on his cheeks, forehead, i dont care i wanna give him kisses im literally so love him so much hes<3333

theyre luterally the silly evr im going insane chat. if i had the choice i would give everything i could to faeo love fae so much

im so love wit fae

hes so<3333333

&$*@;(!,( im goung inane i love hethem theyre so.

crying

sobbing

positvly i literally love fae so much

i fot so happy once because of hownuch i love fae i syatted fucking crying bevause i had weird realization that fae is actually a real fuckin person yhat o can avtivley speak yo whenevr i want

like holy shit just oh my gosh im o halpy what the actual uck how is fae a real human being

hes so him andi wanna kiss him all kver and make sure hesnokay. and make him food and make sure he sleep and keep him safe and andandnandandand yk im so normal about him i think im literally the normalest abojt fae hes so<3333333333333

hes so<3

,bdkandan

yeaim so awesome and norma chat this is sucha anktmal thing to do

butlike shoeabkdnalda im going crazy. fae is literally on my mind all day everyday im going insane. "

end scene.

and there's so much more i could say too but just gahhhh

#i know what you are #hi fae :3 #ask #anonymous

[staysuki]

ᴘᴇᴀᴄʜ ʟᴏᴠᴇ™️ | han jisung fic

pairing: bad boy ceo!han jisung x y/n

genre: (penis heart part.2), experimental fic, satire, boss x employee (secretary?? p.a.??), crack, fluff?????, one huge joke, 18+ but no smut. just dirty hokes.

warnings: currently writing this while very shitfaced. did not care to proofread or recheck. im currenlty writing this at 5am in one go. no docs or anything. just one whole tumble one-take. lez go. penis heart y/n is a different person to this y/n. they are not the same people. i've had like, a bittle of whiskey before writing this. this was posted after writing. zero quality checks. 18+ but no smut. just dirty jokes. mentions of sex toys but as a product, not used. v v bad jokes.

word count: somebody count it for me then comment it below. thanks. i ly

synopsis: happy new year

a/n: i thin ku have to read penis heart felix fic because context before this one or you can read it on its own. i dont tell you what to do. ur ur own boss. if somebody twlls me that drunk ash weites better than sober ash then i will delete rhis acount in snap 🤌. also ghis is too sjort. i wantsd it to be longer but i mentalle cant.

tags: @anyone who read penis heart. you're welcome.

you walk through the glass double doors of the peach company. what's the name of the company again? you forgot. or perhaps, the author simply couldn't think of one.

it's peach company. definitely that.

it's peach company. definitely that.

why? you ask? well, every since you were little, this company has had a huge impact on your life. peach stickers, pencils, washi tapes, peach everything.

it wasn't until you grew older and found your old collection did you realize the huge innuendo behind it all. your parents even told you how they didn't have the heart to deny your request of buying it even though they knew how dirty the context was.

🍑💦—that's the whole context.

nonetheless, you thought it was cute and subtle anyways so who cares? it's not like the products were super in-your-face like that darn penis heart products.

you hated pp heart with all your being.

dirty. crass. unclassy.

very much the opposite of the sophisticated aesthetic of the peach company. but the ceo, felix, was very hot. that's all there is to it

as you grew up, when you had the chance, you applied for peach company. they recently had a coronation of a new ceo—that's not what it's called but we'ee calling it that anyways.

with the birth of a new head (pun intended), things changed with the way the company handled things. although you weren't there to experience the glory days of peach company, you're now here to experience the rebirthing.

"y/n, we have to think of new and innovative ideas to beat the little twat." your boss, jisung, grumbled as he bit into the ends of his peach pen.

although you and your boss never got along on a personal level, you were professional enougjh to always stay by his side. it's not his fault that peach company is at an all time low. all the fresh ideas have already been made and jisung refused to make any new products that's remotely similar to penis heart.

it hurt his pride, you felt it. and as someone who used to be an avid collector of their peach products, it hurt you too.

"what about skipping past the stationary and branching into sex toys? the market is big and we've never really dipped our toes into it." you commented.

jisung thought about that, his cheeks puffing up in that cute way that you always noticed.

"but penis heart—"

you cut him off, "i don't know what's with your obsession with that company. sure, you're both in the same market but you appeal towards completely different body parts. ours is definitely superior."

"what do you suggest then? peach fleshlights?"

you nodded with slight uncertainty, "something like that?"

"it's just not good enough." he shook his head, unsatisfied with your suggestion.

it's almost been a year and jisung hasn't released a new product since he stepped in as CEO. he's desperate, but not desperate enough to compromise his standards. he wants the very best.

"look, i don't know anymore, jisu— i mean, mr. ceo. you never feel satisfied with anyone's suggestions. the board is growing frustrated and your team is literally out of ideas—"

he slammed his hands on his desk, "i don't care! it's everyone's job to ensure that we always invent something new. we can't just keep going with this pink peach, slightly anal concept. our whole 'is it boobs or is it ass' promotional debate is over! someone on reddit literally wrote an entire theory on our company! it's ass! literally!" jisung ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

you would've felt bad but it's his fault you're in this situation in the first place.

"peach love—" he started, that's the name of the company, you remember, "—is all about innocence. it's an innuendo but kids can buy our products and nobody would be none the wiser. that's our aesthetic—to help those young, impressionable kids transition to their horny teen phase. we are the sexual awakening, y/n, this is the very heart of peach love. we can't just go for a mediocre product and run with it."

you fell silent. his office felt colder as you grew tired of the same situation every day.

a part of you wished that you should've just applied to work in penis heart™️ company. you heard that the ceo was hot af.

but perhaps, the small thought of yours was what sparked a new idea.

"mr. han, what about a collab?" you sparked

"a what?"

"a collab!" you restated, more enthusiastically this time. "you said tht our brand is about the transition between pre-pubescent and puberty. maybe we can strike a deal with penis heart™️ to make an informational guidebook abojt the rough up and downs of puberty!! y'know, sex ed, but capitalism style."

he seems to be thinking about it but the thought of working with his archeneemes didn't sit right with him.

"i don't know y/n... sounds.. dumb."

but this might've been your best idea as of yet so you didn't give up.

the next day, no one other than mr. penis heart, lee felix, himself is sitting in front of your boss, han jisung. your ceo seems to be in a very hostile mood, trying his best to establish his dominance by sitting up straigjt and stretching his shoulders.

primal instincts kicking in as he tried to remind felix that he's in "enemy territory" whatever it is that jisung wanted fo call it.

"i heard you wanted to collaborate! i would love to!" felix started, his voice octaves lower than you had imagined, making your knees feel weak.

his smile was as bright as it looked on the tabloids and you felt blessed to be witnessing his visuals in person.

but now that you see them side by side, you never really noticed how handsome your own ceo looked.

"yeah, it was my secretary's idea." jisung said, pointing towards you and you did a small bow.

if you can't beat the enemy, join them.

you didn't think that felix would agree to your proposal righr away byt he seemed to be a happy go kucky type of guy. very much unlike your boss.

"so you agree..?" jisung stated carefully and felix just nodded enthusiastically.

"i mean, yeah? we're in the same market, but there's really no need for us to compete y'know? i think we coild do better if we combine our powers and unite as one team and create better products than we're capable of making on our own. jusyt let me know what you need and we're sure to help you in any way we can."

"thank you sir!" you said merrily, shaking his hand.

"what a show off." jisung grumbled beside you in protest. if felix heard it, he definirely didn't comment on it.

felix took your hands and enclosed it into his warm ones, bringing up to his lips. "i like your brain, y/n, it's very sexy. i might want to steal you for my own company."

he sent you a wink, making you giggle. although he was very charming, you knew he was simply joking because you've heard of his infamous relationshop with his own personal assistant.

although it made you imagine of what it woild feel like to have jisung as your lover, you simply shook the thought away, realizing that josung is a very serious man who cares about the company and nothing else.

he wasn't carefree or charming as felix. he was strict, scary, too serious, and often gets angered easily.

but with that, the company meeting was easily adjourned. no need for extra presentations or debates, felix agreed and signed a contraft right a way.

when felix left your boss' office, you turned to jisung right away, jumping up and down in joy. but you composed right away when you saw jisung's sharp glare boring into you.

you cleared your throat, "isn't this great, sir? we have creative liberty on the product but we get full support including materials, workers, and credits! peach love has it's loyal fanbase but we didn't really have a good year this year so we need all the help we can get. this is definielty gonna turn the company sround—"

"do you like felix?" jisung asked, cutting you off.

"huh?" dumfoudned, you asked.

"you seemed pretty enamored with him and i can see you being giddy at the corner of my vision."

he was observing you? you blushed at the thought but tried to wave it away. though jisung thought you were blushing at felix.

"i admire him as a ceo, nothing else," you clarified. but jisung wasn't happy nor satisfied with that answer.

"so are you going to quit and join his company?" his voixe had a sharp edge to it. as if you're one word away from being fired.

"n-no? i like being here." you said, rtrying to clear the stutter from your voice. yoi've never really thoughr about quitting but the faxt that this is your first tome seeing your boss so annoyed mighr change your mind.

jisung had always been scary whenever he got mad.

and he's always mad.

always to thw point that you got used to it and didn't get affected by it anymore.

but this is different.

this was a kind of anger that you've never seen before.

he stood up and stalked towards your desk. crossing his arms as he glared at you, observing whether you were lying or not.

in a few seconds, his shoulders dropped, the tension he was feeling suddenly washed away. "you're right. we haven't had a good sale this year and it's getting to me. i've seen the articles, y/n, people think i'm a failure."

tyou immediately went closer to him, carwfully taking his hand to ease his worries, trting to comfort him. "you're not a failure jisung, you're a perfectionist and there's nothing wrong with that. you're not a sell out and you value the history of this company, you would much rather release a quality product once every five years than release a mediocre one every month and i think that's a very admirable thing for you to do. not everyone could keep their dignity intact in this industry but you do. it's tough to make the calls in youe position but yoi've always been able to do it as if it's the easiest thing in thw world. yoi're doing great, jisung."

he stared into yours eyes the whole time, a certain softness spreading warmth all throught your body. today, you see each othwr in a diffeeent light as jisung let vulnerabikity wash all over him as he dropped his head, forehead touching yoirs.

it made you feel shy at first and hella self-conscious but as he caressed your cheek with his hand, you relaxed into his hands, feeling like putty as he stared into your lips but held himself back. "you're too good for me, y/n..." he whispered. so soft it seemed like he didn't want you to hear it. but in such short proximity, it was impossible not to.

he ran his fingers on your lips, his eyes never leaving the plump flesh for a second, "you won't leave me, right?"

you inhaled, his delicious scent filling your nerves, "never."

he smirked, relishing your answer as he trapped you between his arms on your desk, "good. because you're mine and mine only."

#ashfaced #penis heart #ash's pp hair #han jisung fic #jisung fic #han fic #han jisung #han #skz fic #stray kids fic

[supernatural-danhowell-fanf-blog]

Motionless.

Charecters: Dean, Reader

Pairing: Dean×Reader

WARNING: TRIGGERS. THIS IS A TRIGGER FIC. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF IT WILL AFFECT YOU BADLY NOW OR IN THE FUTURE. Self hate. Cutting. Language. Slight nudity but not in a sexual way. T-shirt and underwear.

Summary: You’ve kept your self harm a secret until it became too much and you had to call your boyfriend Dean.

A/N: SO LIKE I SAID A LOT OF TRIGGERS. This was an inspirational fic to me because I’ve dealt with this stuff before. To me, at least, Dean is real. He lives in my head. Whenever I pick up the blade I can hear him saying “Put that down. Can’t you see how beautiful you are?” I can see his broken heart as I cut into my legs. I can feel him comforting me after I’m done. To me dean is real and this fic happens in my mind pretty much every night.

I don’t know how to put the gif at the beginning. Sorry I’m an idiot lol. Anyway, there is a gift at the bottom that is how I imagined Dean on the phone at the beginning.

Alright. Please make sure if this starts triggering you you immediately stop and you message me. I can send you a non trigger version. Well, just the triggers cut out. —

Blood dripping.

Tears trickling.

Skin ripping.

Nights wer- are always hard for you. You stayed awake long after the rest of the world. Crying, not the cute, one-tear-running-down-the-cheek crying. Full on screaming, tears pouring down your cheeks. You clenched your teeth, held your stomach. Ever threw up sometimes just from the intensity.

Your days were pretty routine. Wake up grumpy from only getting a couple hours of sleep. Sometimes none. Then you would go to work, be happy for a while, joke around, smile, start to think, I can do this. Then at about 6pm you get sad, start thinking “why does nobody love me?” At about 11pm after you get in bed the tears start. At 12 you get your blades. At 2 you are screaming for help, in the middle of a nightmare even though you aren’t asleep. Something is chasing you, hurting you. Killing you slowly. At 5 you are wondering if anything is really worth this.

Nobody knew. Not family, not friends, not even your boyfriend, Dean. You were always smiling so everyone just assumed you were fine. Friends would come to you with problems and you would comfort them even though it was a fraction of what you were dealing with. You always got told “you know, you help me all the time. If you have any problems, you can call. Day or night.” Bullshit. If you spilled your guts you would have to clean them up yourself so why bother?

—

Work was terrible. You were told to go kill yourself twice, cursed out, had stuff thrown at you. You took a break even though you were supposed to be working and your manager screamed at you in front of everyone.

12:42AM

“Why does nobody care about me?! Am I not pretty enough?! Smart enough?! Nobody loves me. I should end it. No, gotta stay strong. For Dean.” You said as you wiped your tears and sat up on the bed. You opened your bedside table drawer. You only kept one thing in there. Blades. The bottom of the drawer was stained with drops of blood. You kept it locked up so no one would see. Much like you kept yourself locked up. Hoping nobody could see.

You often pondered how dean would react the first time you had sex. Seeing the deep red marks all up and down your legs and arms. Wrists were easy to cover up with Bracelets and such. You had been with Dean for over a year now. Your excuse was wanting to wait until marraige. BS. You had got real close a few times. You had tattoos on your arms so dean couldn’t see those but your legs were a different story. You had gone shirtless but as soon as dean tried to unbutton your jeans you had to pump the brakes. You could see the dissapointment in his eyes. Not in you, just in the fact that you didn’t trust him. At least that’s what he thought.

You grabbed a dull blade and drug it across your ragged skin. To you, your thighs were a canvas. You had to find an empty spot to start on. You looked all across the red marks, drug the very tip of the blade across the scars, feeling the familiar sting. Eventually found a good place to start. You dragged it across your skin, prepping it. Feeling the cool blade against your legs was comforting.

Then you pulled it across in a fast motion, blood starting to drip. You muffled a scream. Then again. Again. Again. Each time more painful than the last.

3:19AM

The screaming. Oh the screaming. Inside your head but it was all too real. You banged your head against the wall trying to make it stop. Trying to make your last few hours peaceful.

3:38:AM

You felt a cold hand wrap around your forearm. Start squeezing. It left an ugly purple bruise. Another had wrapping its fingers slowly around your throat. You tried to get it out of your room but you kept seeing it. Why was it there? What did it want?

4:22AM

Silence. You drifted to sleep until you heard a piercing scream. You jolted up. Tonight was worse than it had been for a long time.

4:36AM

You were pacing your room. “I should call him. No, he will leave me. No he won’t Y/N Don’t be ridiculous. Just call” you pulled out your phone and began dialing. You hit cancel and put the phone back in your bra. “Y/N you are such a worthless, stupid, piece of garbage. His JOB is to make you happy. Just call!” You told yourself I’m a fit of anger. You dialed again. This time you hit call.

The ringing went on for what felt like ages. "Come on, Dean! Pick up damn it!”

“Y/N, I swear if you are drunk in a ditch somewhere and I have to come pick you up one more ti-”

“D-Dean?” You said, clearly crying. Voice shaking. Your tried to swallow the lump in your throat but couldn’t. You just kept crying.

"Baby, what wrong. Are you hurt? Where are you?!” He said as you heard background noise. Sounded like he was getting out of bed.

You couldn’t make a noise. You just kept crying. You dropped the phone next to you on the bed without hanging up. Too weak to even hold the phone.

"Baby you’re scaring me what’s happening?! Im on my way.” You could hear through the phone. “I’m about an hour out though. Please stay on the phone.”

You picked up the phone and just said his name. In a quiet voice. You weren’t even sure how he could hear it. “Y/N” his voice broke. He was crying too. “Seriously, talk to me”

"I just can’t anymore baby” you said, suprised you got that many words out. “You can’t what? Can’t date? Can’t work? Can’t what sweetheart?”

"Live.” It was quiet. For a long time. “Y/N, I swear to God if you kill yourself before I get there I’m going to kill you.”

You smiled. “Nice logic.” You managed to say. Then you screamed. “Y/N?! Y/N!!! What happened?!” He yelled.

“It’s coming!! Dean please save me it’s coming it’s coming dean please please get here faster kill it please dean save me dean please please save me!”

"Baby I’m on my way but you have to talk to me. What’s coming?”

“The monster. It’s in my head.”

Dean was relieved it wasn’t an actual monster. Although it was very real. “Baby, talk to me. Why are you so scared?” He said in a calming voice.

You were quiet for a while. You were thinking. Calming enough to tell him.

“I hate myself. I hate my body, my skin, my hair, my face. My personality, my humor, my house, my voice, everything. I’m a worthless piece of absolute garbage and I shouldn’t even be on this earth.”

He sighed. “First of all. That’s complete Bullshit. You are the most amazing person I know! You think you are worthless?! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. your think you are ugly? You are perfect. I’ve seen the way you look at yourself in the mirror and I can tell what you are thinking and believe me. I love very freckle, Every mole, every imperfection because your imperfections are what make you so amazing because you wear them with pride. You think you are garbage? Welcome to the club!! You think you have a bad personality? Y/N, you are hilarious, smart, talented, the list goes on. I-I couldnt ecen twll you hoe many times ive cried from laughing so hard at the stuff youve said! I never knew you felt this way. How long?”

You were crying so it was hard for him to hear you. “Years. I never told anyone because they should be running scared. What kind of monster think the things I think, does the things I do, cuts their legs and arms because they aren’t pretty enough? Who does that? Me.”

“You’ve been cutting yourself for years? Y/N I’ve knows you for years. Why didn’t I ever know? Is that why you don’t want to have sex with me? You think I’ll run screaming??”

“Dean you know I want to I just can’t stand the though of you worrying.You didn’t ever know because I didn’t tell anyone. I’m weak, Dean. Weak and scared. Nobody would ever take me seriously if they knew how weak I actually was.”

“People don’t cry because they are weak Y/N. They cry because they have been strong too long.” He said is a soothing voice. “You are my girl and I would do anything to protect you. I’m almost there. I love you so damn much Y/N. You know what I love about you? You’re smile. I love how even after all the crap you’ve been through, you still smile. I love how strong you are. Holding on this long. I love you Y/N, I couldn’t live without you.”

“Why do you keep saying that? You love me? I’m trash. I’m worthless and stupid and ugly and I don’t deserve you. You should leave me. No sense in keeping me around. All I do is screw up. I’ll be gone soon anyways.” You said as you wiped a tear from your eye.

“Hold on baby.” He said as he hung up.

“What the fuck? Did he actually just hang up on me?” You were done crying. Even though it broke your heart. You just had a straight face. And laid down. Without blinking or looking at anything.

After about 2 minutes the door burst open. You didn’t move. Didn’t even blink, to be honest you didn’t even notice. Before long, Dean was lifting you up and wrapping his arms around you. He held you bridal style as you kept your dead eyes looking forward. Without saying anything. He sat down on the bed and your head laid in the crook of his neck as he rocked you and hummed a song.

About ten minutes later, he asked quietly “Can I see, baby?” You nodded. You were too exhausted to say anything. He just laid you on the bed and pulled down your pants. You just laid still, motionless, in a shirt and underwear as your boyfriend stood above you, crying. Seeing how bad it had gotten. Your legs were dark red pretty much all the way down to your knees.

“Baby” he said breathless. Not even really talking to you. He ran his fingers through his hair and cursed himself for not knowing sooner. He was pacing back and forth, breathing heavily. He looked so angry at himself. He shouldn’t be, it’s not his fault.

He leaned down and began kissing your legs. Not sucking, just leaving a soft kiss on every cut on your leg. You slowly lifted your head and asked “why?” Quietly.

“Because I love them. They show how strong you are. I love you. I’m going to kiss each and every cut. Each and every day until they heal. Because this is not okay but I don’t know how else to help you right now.”

You laid motionless, staring at the ceiling as he kissed each cut. You felt a warm drop of water run down your leg every couple seconds. No doubt a tear. He made his way up each leg and then jumped up to kiss your lips.

“Love.” You said as a tear ran down your face.

“Yes, I love you, Y/N.”

He wrapped you in his arms and leaned up against the headboard and watched you fall asleep.

“You are beautiful Y/N Y/L/N. Don’t ever forget that. Don’t ever leave me.”

—

Forever tags- @booklover180 @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms @twentyonespnphantrash @usernametaken198 @tessndellaxx

#self hate #cutting #dean winchester #dean reader insert #deanfics #blood #trigger #supernatural #dean fluff #dean angst #you are not alone #you are loved #you are beautiful #please don't hate me

[the-little-red-noodle]

1/11/19 3:25am

I’m getting upset again, what am i doing?

I kept telling myself, especially today, to pick your battles with him.. so why are you now getting upset with him and you don’t have anything to say?

I just know that I’m upset and I’m frustrated with him for not picking up on it and asking me about it and then it gets worse because he’s not trying to help and then I’m upset that he spends all this time with women and getting high with these girls and it’s not that i don’t trust him necessarily, it’s that i don’t trust them. I don’t trust these bitches he hangs out with.. idk. I’m just frustrated.

I’m sad right now because i feel like he should rush to comfort me when i keep hinting that I’m upset but the logical and rational part of me is like, ok, maybe the hints you drop aren’t as obvious as you feel like they are, and text is hard to pick up tone from so like let it go? Ya know?

But like once i get this overwhelmed sadness from a situation like this it’s hard to turn it off and not freak out.. it’s not like i want to start arguments with him! I just can’t reign it in perfectly all the time and I’ve been wanting to start this argument for weeks and there was never a good time cuz he was on vacation and now I’m on vacation but then i just told him i was upset right after he went to bed and now I’m frustrated with myself and wishing i hadn’t done that..

I just feel a lot right now but icant actually explain what it is that’s upsetting me, like i just am.. so that would go to indicate that it’s not necessarily him or something he’s done wrong, like I’m just having my own spiral and was looking to him for some reassurance and he was too dense to pick up what i was putting down.. which then frustrated me and exacerbate the bad feelings, which again, like isnt his fault, but i take it personally and then i don’t know what to do with that new feeling cuz it feels similar to like rejection or betrayal and it hurts and i don’t like it and i know he doesn’t mean to do it but now I’m here and i don’t know what to do

I want to call him and talk to him and cry on the phone but that would just annoy him and make him worry and i don’t want to do that..

I want him to fucking respond on fb messenger is what i want but agh i know he probably just put his phone down and he won’t see it till tomorrow or he already saw it and doesn’t want to deal with it rn and i so badly want to keep texting him but I’m crying and would only make it worse, like the damage is done. I told him I’m upset and he’s dense but i want to talk and then i didn’t know what i wanted to talk about and that just made me sad..

I don’t like feeling insecure about his friends. I have guy friends that pose no threat to him. I hang out with my ex for christ sake, in person just us two for like hours, which spencer doesn’t know cuz he doesn’t ask.. maybe he doesn’t want to know who I’m hanging with? Idk. But i wish i didn’t care as much about the females he spends his time with. Cuz outwardly to him i don’t care, but like of fucking course i care? Women are crazy and he’s pretty and nice and he’s a pushover and i know he has trouble saying no to people and i have like nightmare daydreams about these girls he’s friends with just deciding one day that they want to be with him and making moves on him and he’s a sweet little pushover and he might just let things happen and not stop them.. and then he’s terrified of letting people down and terrified of upsetting me so he might just not say anything to me about it and part of me prefers that, but then what if it’s a regular thing? What if he’s in love with them? I can’t compete with girls he’s known for years and smoke and can hang with his other friends, i can’t compete with that, and I’m frustrated that he doesn’t give the kind of reassurance that indicates that i stand any kind of competition to these other women in his life..

Ya that’s probably what I’m upset about.

He spent 2 days with this girl, who I’ve met, and she stayed the night and they spent a lot of time together and i know, I KNOW they are just friends, I KNOW.. but the crazy girl brain acts up sometimes and i don’t know how to handle it! And then he didn’t respond since 4:30. In the afternoon, and it was driving me crazy. Not till like 3am did he respond with a short ass little response and I’m feeling like nooo? U spent the whole day with some chick and ignored my text messages? Um no? And then liked my insta pics and ignored my texts? The fuck? The actual fuq? No?

The thing is, i feel like this a lot when he hangs out with women. I feel jealous and frustrated, and kind of helpless? But i never say anything because the logical part of me is usually the louder voice in the room than the crazy jealous girlfriend voice. I rarely let her talk to spencer because i want to keep him, ya know? And she scares people off. And I’ve been really good about it lately, I’ve felt stable and comfortable and yes i would still get jealous but not enough to say anything.. but now I’m just upset and frustrated and selfishly want to tell him that i feel like this even though i know it won’t change anything.

Telling him that I’m jealous about his female friends will just make him feel hesitant to twll me what he’s doing, or remind him of his crazy ex and i do not want to be compared to her anymore than he already does I’m sure.

It won’t help. He’s not going to stop hanging out with them, he’ll just start hiding it from me. Which then now that i say that I’m like hm? I feel like i would rather not hear about the girls he hangs out with.

So lets rationalize an answer, cuz he’s gunna wake up tomorrow and be like um wtf? What’s wrong? And i gotta be like oh um ____?

So i could either cover it up and be like it was nothing drop it, or i could be honest and be like I’ve been feeling i secure lately, and that’s not your fault, but i gotta be honest, hearing about you spending all your time with girls is kind of getting to me right now and id just prefer not to hear about it.

That’s how i feel. That is how i feel. I feel insecure about myself lately, and feeling like I’m not really good enough and not really keeping him satisfied and then i worry about how you’re a bit of a pushover and you surround yourself with strong, pretty women, and i just don’t like thinking about it.

And I’m sorry that i even brought it up because the logical and rational part of my brain is usually louder than the jealous side.. and it’s not that i don’t trust you necessarily, it’s more that i don’t really trust other people that i don’t know and i know how you’re a bit of a pushover and that you don’t like upsetting me and i don’t want you to feel like you need to keep things from me, it’s just a feeling that comes up sometimes when i feel insecure and then i can’t reach you and then i get the kind of spiral down thought thing and just worry..

And also this isnt just about yesterday, I’m not mad that you were mia, it happens. I’ve actually been feeling like this for a while and i didn’t know how to bring it up, and it wasn’t a big enough deal to talk about? Like i didn’t feel like i needed to talk about it, because for the most part, i genuinely do not care who you hang out with, it’s just harder to hear about when I’m not feeling the best or feeling like insecure about where we stand, not that we’re in a bad place right now?

Ok i need to stop writing now because it’s upsetting me more. I need to cry and try to sleep. But at least i know what the problem is now? Breath. Calm downnnn

#samiswriting