#i cannot psychologically commit to the idea of inevitable future pain!! my brain just nopes out!

[saint-ambrosef]

want to have kids but not badly enough (so far) to overcome my crippling fear of pregnancy/childbirth caused by strong pain avoidance instinct and body dysmorphia. hate being me.

#i keep hoping i'll get baby fever that will override all my fears but so far nuthin #my husband is ready and very kindly waiting on me to be too #but i have like a million different issues that all converge into me panicking at the thought #e.g. being out of shape; very low pain tolerance causing fear of childbirth; body dysmorphia at the thought of pregnancy/breastfeeding #like i feel like if i had a baby to parent tomorrow i'd be just fine. parenting doesnt scare me #just all the physical stuff... #i cannot psychologically commit to the idea of inevitable future pain!! my brain just nopes out! #i was that kid who always put on my bike breaks when i went down a hill #im a very risk-avoidant/pain-avoidant personality so the idea of NOT avoiding...brain no compute... #and i want kids! #but im not like...missing them right now or SUPER excited at the thought. and until i am i dont think i'll get over this hump...