#i broke out of the oppressive cage of suicidal depression and am still working on bettering my coping mechanisms

[kifu]

One, eh, not problem per say, but ... predicaments? I guess? One of the predicaments I did not forsee about having the Tribes become such a LONG STANDING brain child project is not that my goals have changed. Rather, I simply wish the main character to age with me. I would prefer writing a 30 year-old Kifu than an 11 year-old Kifu.

When I was first building this story and this world, I wanted to be Kifu. So bad. She got to shake the shackles of expectations and live an incredible life. She was awesome. She was strong and eventually very skilled at what she did.

I don’t want to change that about Kifu. I don’t want to change the main events and qualities in her life that I developed throughout my high school years.

But I really don’t want to be her anymore. I’m so glad that I’m not her. Because those main events? They made her bitter. They made her miserable and so depressed and full of anxiety, but - as I’m writing the crack fic - I realize that she can’t see a way out of it. She can’t find a better way of dealing with her traumas. And that’s how she’ll stay as a character. I won’t let her have the same realizations I had the past few years as I transitioned to adulthood. I’ll still let her grow, but she’ll never feel that fulfillment that she yearned so much for as a child.

And it strikes me as something important.

She’s still skilled at things I’ll never be good at. She’ll still have that incredible life. But she will never be able to emotionally cope, and it will slowly smother her.

#not sure if i already have mentioned this before #but i find it's something i'm still relieved about for some reason #i broke out of the oppressive cage of suicidal depression and am still working on bettering my coping mechanisms #but those methods are a HELL of a lot healthier than kifu's #and still - writing kifu for the actual set of novels is a WAY different experience than writing kifu for the crack fic #granted the 20ish year difference probably has a lot to do with that