#i am going to regret not tagging this properly when i can't find it again later

[oscarpiastriwdc]

f1 x textposts

#what is the point of screenshot hoarding if not to make it about silly men #f1 x textposts #i am going to regret not tagging this properly when i can't find it again later

[underfart-snas]

i’m going to preface this by saying this will be hard to read. for those who have had to deal with a lot of familial trauma, csa, and various other things really. you’re being warned now.

it is not anything fun, light, or happy.  i will not answer questions from anyone. i will not stop people from their comments or tags but i will not look at opinions or attempt to change them. good or bad, i’m too tired to change anyone’s minds or matters on the subject. while i am regretful and sorry for many things, i know this won’t change much.

i’m not looking for forgiveness. i'm looking for closure.

i will not argue on how i’m a good person, or how any behavior in the past was justifiable or right. it was wrong. i still fuck up to this day trying to be human. at this point, all i want is to speak up about what i had to go through and why things ended the way they did with hopefully a more clear sense of perspective as to why i made what i did. and then i would like to move on.

flowerfell ended in disaster from all sides. a story i, the friends i made along with it and worked deeply with during it all, held very dear for our own reasons. be it to express the hardship of survival, to cope with the progression of loss, or having hope in finding small things to live for and learning to find love in friendships, family or otherwise that we couldn’t have in life. it was a big story for everyone, and i understand not everyone got the message. people have not been kind. i’ve seen equal sides of good and bad come from it.

i won’t argue about the shipping aspects. people are right in believing i liked what i liked, and whether or not they hated that was up to them. i had my personal reasons and i never intended for it to be a malicious thing, but i understand people’s headstrong thoughts on the canons or otherwise. I didn't like to go out of my way to shove it in people's faces, which is why i scrapped later stories that were pressured to be frans related and instead made them into personal characters.

it’s fucked up seeing people get chased and hurt over fictional things. things that aren’t physically harming anyone, at least when they’re contained properly. things you shouldn’t be actively looking for if you don’t like it. things that people may actually be doing to cope with their own trauma. i watch so many people looking for hate, or reasons to be angry. i think that adds to much sadness overall. i can’t say much for those who don’t go about tagging things properly for those who don’t want to see things other than "please work on that."

when i played undertale, i lived vicariously through frisk as i played. they were quite frankly, a blank slate. i was able to self-insert in a way. due to story aspects, i felt the monsters were like... old old. like ancient beings that lived lives unfathomably long beyond the human lifespan. beyond the passage of time.

i fell in love with characters and aspects and ideas it gave. i fell in love with it’s world, the possibility of other worlds like it, and exciting wacky hijinks. i took interest in others making au's and thought about how i could make my own. what my own life lacked or couldn’t give me. the family and friends i found through it. 

toby really kicked everyone’s ass with this one, and i hope he does it again and again. and i pray he continues to succeed. because he made something beautiful.

now for what i had to deal with, during the failed attempt of making my story…

i have had to process a lot of neglect from family and home in recent years. though i’m older now, it still hurts. things still linger and sting harder than they should. they say it gets better but it really sticks and comes back in many ways that make life so much harder than it should be. it’s only made harder when people want you to be better, but it takes time to get there. sometimes people can't be with each other because of it, which is something i've had to learn over and over again. it takes so much time and it takes it away from everything you hope can be good and great in your life.

growing up was a nightmare. i’ve had to grow up with abandonment from my mom. neglect from my dad. i've had to deal with them trying to reach back out and my feelings on whether or not it's deserved. or if i'm even ready to handle it yet. many times i'm not.

i’ve had to deal with surgery to fix my body from disgusting and life ending deformation as a toddler which still leaves scars on my body today. my family has told me i’m lucky to even be alive. sometimes i almost wish it took me, because the world is cruel. but at the same time, i want to live so, so badly.

i’ve had to deal with manipulation and rape from someone almost ten years older than me in household when i was just a child. from five to nine. threats of being compliant and not to speak up or else my life was in danger. being physically trapped for hours while my body was a tool. later this fell onto another child of a caretaker for my sister, which is the only reason i got away from it. so i never got the chance to speak up myself and that effects me to this day. i was told years later this same thing happened to my older, severely autistic sister prior. someone who literally cannot verbally communicate or function without help from another. my grandmother telling me she left before because my father didn’t believe her. this all meaning, this is something that could have never happened.

i've had to handle my grandmother’s physical and verbal abuse for the rest of the those years after she came back to take care of my sister. my sister didn't escape abuse either. i would be stuck listening to her convince me as i got older and barely making it out of school that wouldn’t ever survive on my own. that i would never make it. that i would never find love. that i’d be eating fucking “saltines and ketchup” on the streets. i’ve had to deal with eating disorder because of her and various other disgusting shit i don’t want to add that the fear had made me succumb to. i didn’t leave my room for days at a time unless i was forced to. i didn’t sleep properly, to the point of passing out for minutes at a time. anyone who used to come to streams would know, i used to fall asleep while drawing with my brother. in many ways, my grandmother has made me so functionally stagnant, which is so hard to combat now.

cutting out all the general silliness and nonsense i would make just to smile once in a while, my art and flowerfell was an escape for me. it was a way to express my pain and hope that there was some sort of out. that there were friends to be made and love to be had. family to be found. that if you’re strong enough maybe you can be redeemable and make it to the end. frisk was hope. sans was strength. and all of the friends they were supposed to make along the way were support.

but at the same time, i clearly wasn’t able to handle the scale of what it became. i wasn’t ready for the crowd, i wasn’t ready to make a coherent and straight story, and was too giving and lenient. i wasn't ready for the "godlihood" people were pressing on me when i was just a normal person. it made making real friends a hassle. i didn't know who was honest or using me. many people have used me.

i was scared after it fell apart and got toxic. that people can take and twist and hate no matter how hard you try. i didn’t understand a lot of things back then or how to defend myself. i didn't understand how to combat theft, i didn't understand fiction kin, i didn't understand self care or boundaries for others and myself. i didn't understand a lot of things. i try really hard to understand now.

for all intents and purposes, it was getting septic. i was getting septic at that time and for some time after. and because of that i lost not only my story, but my friends and my sanity. i wasn’t able to keep it together for them or myself. i was hurt and hurting others by proxy. and i am so sorry for it. all of it.

i was only saved by finally being taken away from home by someone who actually took a chance on me. someone who made time for me even when i was getting reclusive. someone who loves me through all of that even if i hurt them terribly in the process, and may even still in all the faults i'm working on. despite everything, they're still with me today.

to this day i find flowerfell hard to look at without feeling various stages of grief. i have many degrees of anger and sadness, at times hopeless acceptance. not necessarily towards anyone anymore, but that i was unable to finish it. or felt i was unable to. that i'm unable to surpass it. that i was so fearful of loss and parts of myself being taken away when i already felt i had so little. how it blinded me to what good i had at so many times. how it’s destroyed my ability to create and fall in love with characters i like or make, and their worlds. no matter how hard i try now. that it’s taken my ability to trust, communicate, and form steady relationships with people. how it effects even those who have stayed and try so hard. that it’s taken my ability to share and feel safe doing so. even with people i'm close with today.

even situations on how helpful it’s been for people over the years, and deeper connections to self or others they’ve found in the progression of time because of it. i’m not unhappy for those who have, i’m grateful that people have found their hearts in it. it was made with unfathomable love and there’s incredible pain on having given up continuing what could have been more. what else people could have connected with or felt. there was so much i didn’t get to share, and got too angry and scared to give.

i grew to believe people didn’t deserve it anymore because of what i and my friends at the time were going through. i no longer wanted to feel hurt. i no longer wanted my friends to be hurt. and i violently took it away into myself, which has hurt me even more over the years.

i want to believe people would have liked the ending, and anything that would come after that. it was going to have a good ending.

later i would find the fear of parts being taken would be connected to discovering plurality in myself, and recently finding out in therapy i’m probably not too separated from my sister in being on the spectrum, adding to all of that and more. i’d have to process that feelings became separated and another struggle to deal with. that i was dissociating from everything so hard these feelings are expressed as their own apart from me, but still with me. that this was my way of not being alone with what i had. it is not a kind thing. while they're like family to me, it is also a cage.

it would take me years to actually discover what this was properly, having to go through a whole ordeal of manipulation and problems from that alone. i would have to deal with them also being stolen and taken advantage of due to complacency and misunderstanding. which has made every bit of fear with what came before twice as difficult. however, i've also had good people along the way, and i hope they stay with me for a very long time.

because of this i’ve learned a lot about systems and kinships and reasons why these exist. how these things can make people feel at home. i have changed a lot of views on it and how these things help people, even if they’re strange at times… i’m not mad about it anymore. if it helps people it helps people. other people are trying to survive too. i just ask people be respectful about it.

i don’t hate fanart or others trying to make stories anymore. as someone who struggles now with even a fraction of creating any amount of work i used to, i’m more glad than not that it’s encouraging people to improve and move forward. but i won’t ever accept discredit because at the root it is mine still. i made this for myself before i made it for others. it will always be a part of me, even if painful now.

i’m just tired. i’m tired and i hope over time i’ll be able to rest.

sigh.

to kaze, your document is faithful and i won’t argue that any of it is wrong or malicious. there was a lot missing from that video that could and should have been added. it wasn't just about shipping, but a lot more. i hope people will leave you and others alone about flowerfell and ship nonsense at the end of the day. especially when your stories were wonderful and aren’t hurting anyone. while we’re not on good terms, i do wish them a very "fuck off and move on."

however, i will not accept the statement that you were helpful to my mental health, or to others involved to begin with. trying to be, maybe, but it faltered.

apart from encouraging anger towards the fanbase either on my or by your own hands, flipping the switch between telling me to keep going and giving up. you fully took advantage of the complacency i had to go through at home to survive and had to unlearn for many years prior. you weaponized your problems at home onto us. this compiled everything, probably for both of us. this would only continue on to my system in many ways.

you actively encouraged suicidal behavior within the group, provoking my brother into a pact at his lowest. you took advantage of me and my brother mentally and sexually. knowing full well of our issues and my own csa, you still crossed lines. doing or sharing things without warning or prior consent and conversation, at times even within public groups. fighting back or saying something about these things were difficult because everyone was sensitive at the time. even if things were jokes at times, it didn't always come across that way.

i watched blind fight so hard for you in many ways even when they were struggling so badly with their own physical health, even staying in the end. i don't know if they're doing well or are still there now which is another string of worries.

what hurt the most is that for years you blamed me for an attempt because i “didn’t love you enough to talk to you or be honest” and held it over my head instead of explaining until the very last second before i left that it was because of home. you continued to comment in ways up until that point, then deleting things as if i couldn’t see logs. every single day i thought you were going to just be gone in an instant without warning. that i and others would lose one of our best friends. i grew so afraid of talking to you because of this. i was scared to hurt people more in anger of that. it is still something that terrifies me to this day.

flowerfell wasn’t the break of our friendship, it was the inability to handle the weight of taking care of someone who was unwilling to work on themself on top of all of that, while being unable to take care of myself at the same time. not being enough. that nothing of what little i could give would ever fix what was happening, and that i was being used as an escape method. much like my brother was. we weren’t good for each other anymore. and while i wanted to keep holding on, many people told me i had to let go and they were right. i'm sorry that it wasn't completely by my own voice that i let go.

i don’t even hate you anymore, if i even ever really did to begin with. the most i get is mad and i may say the word "hate" in anger, and that is entirely my own fault for checking in once in a while to see if you’re still breathing or getting better. because i cared a long fucking time and i think parts of me still do. i can’t say there weren’t fond memories or good times and i still have gifts i won’t throw away. and i won’t discredit that i do see you trying really hard for yourself now, which is a hopeful feeling and all i and others ever wanted. even if we may never speak directly again, because i don’t think that would be good for either of us, i hope it keeps going well.

but i don’t think you have the right to say i’m a bad person as if you weren’t just as bad yourself. you effected me and others just as badly.

we don't have to forgive each other. but i do hope, after a long time, we can forgive ourselves.

-

just a last little edit:

before you start congratulating someone who added to the entire severity of literally everything, understand this:

we were not driven by her or her alone. this is not her fucking win. this is the result of friends and good people saying we should speak up and needed to be heard for years. this is because we have support we actually feel safe with and finally decided we're fucking tired. we didn’t speak simply because she put out some silly little document. she only added to the fucking misery that everyone else has brought on about this! 

this is for ourselves!! thanks! and goodbye! - =D

#flowerfell #flowerfell au #frans #tw csa

[s1rcus]

The Road to Love and Truth (Blackhill)

Rating: Teen and up

Words: 2827

Chapter: 2/2

Fandoms: Marvel

Characters: Natasha Romanoff, Maria Hill, Steve Rogers, Nick Fury

Additional tags: -

Summary: Maria struggles after her night with Natasha. She gets some good advice from Steve.

Authors note: Blackhill Bingo square I3 "Steve Rogers"

Story below the cut or in AO3 here

Maria still has a huge headache. She's been debating taking another aspirin to ease it down for the past 10 minutes, but it hasn't been too long since she took the first one and it might just not be working yet. The situation with Romanoff might not be helping either.

Without thinking she's making her way towards Phil's office. She's not sure why, she knows she won't talk about something like this to him. He's a good friend but she just can't talk about her sex life with him, less about feelings. Maybe he'll have some work she can do to distract her from the night before. She can't use her key card on a day off, (Fury has made it very clear she's not supposed to be doing work during any type of leave) so she can't go to her own office to continue work.

Phil isn't in his office. Now that she actually thinks about it, he has been on a mission since yesterday. She still needs something to distract her though. Maybe Fury would let it slide this once if she'd go do work, but she'd rather not see him right now. She decides to just go for a walk. Hopefully that'll clear her head a little.

------

The fresh air does help her headache and clears her head just the tiniest bit as well. She stands outside of the Triskelion for a short time and decides to go for a short walk along the river.

She keeps her eyes mostly on the water as she walks hands in the pockets of her sweats. She probably should've changed if she's honest, but she didn't want to go back to her room. SHIELD agents weren't that rare sight around these parts, but they definitely didn't go out in their gym clothes. She kicks around some pebbles every once in a while that are lying around the sidewalk.

She loses track of time, trying to just focus on nothing but the movement of the water. And she might have let her guard down, because she gets startled, when a hand taps her on the shoulder.

"Maria, what are you doing out here?"

"Jesus, Steve. Warn a girl next time."

"I literally yelled your name when I saw you. You're not usually this distracted. Are you okay?"

There's concern on his face and Maria doesn't like it one bit. She's fine, and even if she wasn't, everyone else needs to think she is.

"Everything's fine," she lies.

Steve gives her a long look, not quite believing her.

"You can always talk to me, you know? Whatever it is that's bothering you, I'll listen."

Damn Steve, and his kind heart.

"I know," she says.

"Okay, well I'm gonna finish my run. Come and find me if you want to talk about whatever this is," he says as he runs past her.

Maria just waves him off. She continues along the river for a while longer until her headache becomes worse again. Deciding it's best to just go back and take another aspirin, she turns around and heads towards the Triskelion again.

------

Eventually Maria realises she needs to talk to someone so she heads towards Steve's quarters and knocks on his door. He opens the door with a smile. They're good friends but it's quite rare she actually ends up on his doorstep.

"Hey, Maria. What's up?"

"I slept with Natasha," she answers as she pushes past him into his room. She sits on his bed, head in her hands. She hears the door click shut as Steve closes it.

"Not what I was expecting. How are you feeling?"

Maria groans at the question, "I don't know. I find out she's queer and few days later I find her in my bed. That's not how that should go. And worst of all I want to do it again, but I don't think I can just keep it at that."

"So you want to ask her out?"

"I think so?" She says and lays down on the bed so she can stare at the ceiling. "But I'm her superior, it's unprofessional, not to mention way too complicated. How am I supposed to be able to send her out there, if I'm worried if she'll make it back? How is Fury supposed to trust in me, if I get compromised because of her? Or what if I make the wrong decision, because I can't--" Steve cuts her off. She feels the bed dip, as he sits next to her on the bed and places a hand on her knee.

"Maria, you're forgetting one important thing, she's the Black Widow, she knows how to handle herself. Do you know how many times she's saved me out there? Because I've lost count by now. And Fury won't see you any differently if you start showing normal people emotions. Also stop worrying about 'what if's. Those are situations you can't know the answers for before it's too late. And for the record, I think you're already compromised. You care more about her than you know. Have for a long time."

"Fuck", Maria breaths the word out.

"Language."

"No, I actually fucked up."

"What did you do?"

"I just left her. She wanted to talk, and I just left her. I wasn't thinking clearly. I told her it was a mistake. Well it technically was because that was definitely not how I wanted that to go, but… I let her believe I don't want her. Shit!" She gets up quickly and starts pacing around. "I gotta go find her. Tell her that I'm sorry for how I treated her. That last night was great. Not that I really remember anything. To hopefully ask her properly out." She freezes on her tracks and turns to face Steve. "What if she says no? How am I supposed to continue working with her then?"

"Maria", Steve warns her.

"Right, won't know the answers before it's too late." She takes a deep breath. "Okay, I'm gonna go to find her. I wonder where she could be."

"At the gym with Barton."

"How would you know that?"

"Just a hunch."

------

She does find Natasha at the gym. She's beating up Barton at the mats. Maria decides to just stay by the door and watch, she'll notice her eventually. Natasha seems more tense than normal, maybe even a little angry. She doesn't move around as smoothly as she usually does. Her movements are a little more jacked, more forced. Maria realises that she's not fighting with a clear head. She's trying to push her feelings out. Maria was the reason the Widow's usually flawlessly smooth fighting style looked harsh and broken. It makes her heart twinge.

Eventually Natasha pins Barton down and he taps out. She gets up and her gaze shifts to Maria's. Maria physically flinches under her gaze. She quickly straightens her back and neutralises her face, when Barton gets back onto his feet and notices her presence.

"Commander," he coughs, eyes moving from Maria to Natasha and back again. After a couple of beats of silence he starts backing towards the men's locker room. "I'll just go then."

Maria just looks at Natasha, not really sure what she's supposed to say. Before she's able to say anything, Natasha turns on her heels and heads towards the women's locker rooms. That gets Maria on the move as well. She runs after Natasha and grabs her from the upper arm.

"Natasha wait," Maria says and Natasha stops on her tracks. "I'm sorry about earlier. Can we talk?"

Natasha turns around and Maria tries to look as apologetic as she can. Natasha just stares at her for a while.

"Fine. My quarters in 10."

Maria nods and drops her hold of the other woman. She didn't even realise she had still been holding her upper arm. Natasha eyes her quickly once more before she turns around again and heads out of sight to the locker room. Maria just stands still for a while, looking after her, until she spins around as well and heads out of the gym and towards Natasha's quarters.

------

Natasha is punctual as ever, and appears exactly 10 minutes later. Maria follows her silently into her room. Natasha sits down on her bed, one leg under herself while the other hangs off the edge. Maria is reminded of the morning. She stays standing near the door, but is faced towards Natasha. She's trying to figure out her words, even though she's been trying to figure out what to say ever since she walked out of Steve's quarters.

"Well?" Natasha prompts her.

"I fucked up. I'm really sorry for how I treated you. I panicked and I fucked up. I try my best to keep my private life and work separate, and I mostly live at work so… I'm having a hard time, to put it lightly. I also have never done this before."

"What? Been with a woman?" Natasha asks with a serious tone. It takes Maria a beat to realise she's not actually seriously asking that.

"No, Romanoff. You know that's not what I meant. I mean sleeping with a co-worker. Actually kinda never slept with anyone without being on a date first. And especially never had someone in my bed in a SHIELD facility."

"So I was your first one night stand?"

"About that, I wouldn't mind doing it again."

"Was I that good?" Natasha asks with a smirk.

"Natasha! I'm not talking about the sex. I'm talking about all of it. Everything since the mission. Spending time together at that bar and during the mission and also everything that came after."

"Wow. Is Commander Hill getting soft?"

"No,” she says. Taking a breath she continues, “I'd just like to see if this could become something. You're one of the few people around here who I can stand, and I actually had a really nice time yesterday. And I'm not regretting what happened after, so that probably says a lot."

Natasha gives her a small smile.

"What changed?"

"What do you mean?"

"You left the room in such a hurry and now you're here saying you don't regret it."

"Yeah, that. I might've talked to Steve and he had some good advice."

"You went to Steve?" Natasha's voice sounds almost scandalous.

"Who else would I go to? Fury? Do you think I have many friends around here? People who I could talk to?"

"Fair enough."

"So, if I'd ask you out on a date what would you say?"

"I would love to, but do you really want to go on a date? Because I feel like we're not the dating kind of people."

That was actually fair, she did always hate going on dates.

"What do you suggest then?"

"How about this?" Maria is really unsure about how she should feel about the smirk that follows that one simple question.

Natasha gets up and walks towards Maria. She stops when their chests are basically touching. She grabs Maria's hands and wraps them around her waist. Then she wraps her own arms around Maria's neck and rises up on her toes to kiss her. Maria basically melts into it. Eventually she lifts Natasha up and they move on the bed. Natasha seems very impressed that Maria can lift her. Maria might be a bit hurt about that.

------

When they decide to leave for an early lunch (neither remembered to eat breakfast), they're barely 100 feet down the hallway from Natasha's room, when they're stopped by a junior agent.

"Commander, Agent Romanoff. Director Fury wants to speak to both of you."

Maria and Natasha exchange a look.

"Did he say what about?" Maria asks.

"Not really," the Agent answers but there's a look on his face Maria doesn't like. It's like he knows something he shouldn't.

Maria debates for a little bit, if she should push and get some answers from him but decides against it. She dismisses the agent and starts heading towards the Directors office with Natasha.

They get a couple weird looks and smiles on the way there. They walk the whole way in silence. Both clearly trying to figure out what Fury wants from them.

Fury sees them immediately, which tells Maria that it's something important. She's getting nervous. Natasha is here as well, so her mind goes only to a specific direction, but how would Fury know?

"Director Fury, you wanted to see us?" Maria greets him.

"Hill, Romanoff. Has either of you checked the news today or any social media?"

Natasha shakes her head. She's been awfully quiet after they ran into that agent.

"No, sir. I haven't checked my phone at all today. Pretty sure it's dead anyway. I've been a bit distracted," Maria answers truthfully. There's no point in lying.

"Well, you probably should stay out of social media for a little while but that's just a suggestion. Do you have anything else to report to me?" His eye shifts from Maria to Natasha and back.

He knows. Maria takes a deep breath. She feels Natasha's hand touch hers, a sign that it's okay.

"Yes, sir. We, uh... Natasha and I are involved."

"Will it be affecting your work?"

"No, sir."

"Then I'm happy for you," he says with the slightest hint of a smile.

Maria is surprised and she can sense that so is Natasha. She lets her posture get a little more relaxed.

"Now to the real reason I invited you in," Fury says as he pulls some tabloid articles up on the screen behind himself. They're all saying basically the same thing: Black Widow at a gay bar with a mystery woman . Some of them have clearly done a better job with trying to figure out who this "mystery woman" is because a couple of them have actual pictures of Maria along with her name. And there's pictures. Pictures of them kissing, the intense looks they changed during that night and pictures of them leaving together.

"We tried to get them down before they spread too far, but clearly we didn't manage that. Anything about the Avengers' personal life spreads like a fire. I'm sorry about the situation it puts you in."

Both of the women just nod. There wasn't anything to say. Fury takes this as his answer and turns off the screen.

"Well then, you're dismissed. Hill, if you could stay for just a little longer?"

Natasha squeezes her shoulder a little before she steps out of the room.

"Sir?"

"No reason to be that formal anymore. This is just me checking on you. How are you feeling?"

"Well, that's a lot, but I think I'm fine. It's not the way I wanted things to go, but I guess it's good that it's out. If we wish to go out, now we don't need to worry if someone sees us or not."

"Okay, still I wish the situation wasn't this. I strongly suggest that you don't check any social media for the next few days. I know you think you can handle it, but there's gonna be some bad stuff there and I'd prefer the dust settles a bit first. Also if anyone, and I mean anyone, in SHIELD gives either of you a hard time because of this, let me know. I will handle it. It's out there, so everyone knows. I wish you could've handled this on your own terms, but the situation is what it is."

Maria smiles at him.

"Thank you, Director. I know I said it won't affect my work, and I truly believe and hope so, but if it ever seems like I'm putting her before the mission; pull me out of it, if possible. I know I won't be happy about it, but I need to know that I won't be making mistakes because I'm compromised."

"Of course. But I have full belief that you'll do great even then."

Maria nods and heads towards the door but Fury's voice makes her turn around before she gets to open it.

"Also, before you go. I am truly happy for you, Maria."

Maria smiles at him and nods her thanks and joins Natasha on the other side of the door.

Natasha hugs her as she closes the door. Maria circles her arms around her and presses her cheek against Natasha's head.

"That went better than I expected." She hears Natasha mumble against her chest.

"It did," Maria agrees.

"I'm so sorry about the articles though. If I would've just realised--" Maria quiets her with a kiss.

"Natasha, there's nothing you could've done about it. The second we walked in there everyone was paying extra attention to us. Those articles would be there even if we hadn't kissed. I'm just glad we did. I don't think I would've ever dared to take this step otherwise," Maria says. She looks Natasha in the eye and they exchange smiles. "Now, how about that lunch?"

#bhb21 #blackhill #maria hill #natasha romanoff #Black Widow #marvel #MCU #My fic

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

I know, I know that that post is an unpopular opinion, etc. But I feel like you're expecting WAY too much from fanfiction. People write it for fun! Of course characters are going to be written through rose colored glasses. Not every writer is NEARLY as experienced or prolific as you & your friends. Its unfair to expect so much when some writers are in the process of learning how characters & storytelling work. Writing is weird & hard & half the time the tv show's own writers can't get it right.

Okay. *rubs temples* I’m gonna fucking regret responding to this but here we go. Please imagine I’m saying this while we’re chilling on a couch: quiet, firm, casual. I worry people, especially because I am a vibrating ball of screaming energy, picture me standing on a bandstand with a megaphone and that’s not the impression I want to give at all.

Anyway.

I’ll be honest, my first response is anger in defense of my friends. I’m sure this isn’t your intention, but the way you’re saying this feels, to me, like you’re saying I’m a part of this group of writers that churn out fanfiction like it’s nothing and that’s really unfair to the really varied relationships with fanfiction that my friends have. I have two close friends who haven’t updated in months and freak out about it. I have a friend who struggled with painful writer’s block for close to a year. I have a close friend who has published like, three fics in her life, and 90% of the stuff she’s written she texts privately to me. I have another friend who’s got about five unfinished fics right now, none of which she’s touched in ages, and might never touch again. I have a friend who’s written only one fic, ever.

I have friends who have no experience. Friends who have a ton of experience. The people you see me interacting with online come in all shapes and sizes of experience, talent, and content level. Please do not put them in boxes. If I pissed you off and you want to put me in my place then go right ahead but do not, for two seconds, make it sound like my friends are all alike.

Not to mention that some of the best fic I’ve ever read has been done by people who never wrote before. I read a Reddie fic last week that I’ve shoved in the faces of everyone who will sit still for two seconds, I love it I love it I love it, and it’s the only fanfic written by this author. They’ve talked on their tumblr about how it’s their first fic and they’re so nervous. Experience does not equal quality.

I’m not asking for anything regarding fanfiction quality. I’m not setting a high bar here. I am literally asking people to be honest.

If you want to bang Karl Urban (I do, I want to bang him) and so you write McCoy/Kirk fic and it’s really just a thinly-veiled excuse for you to write yourself (as Kirk) banging Karl Urban (as McCoy) then just write readerfic where you bang Karl Urban. THAT is what I’m saying. I’m not saying don’t write it, I’m saying just call it what it is. Because you could write a really really good Reader/Karl Urban fic! One that will feel well written because you’re calling it what it is, so the audience knows what to expect.

It’s like if I wrote Anakin/Padme fic, and then changed the names to Thor and Jane Foster. It’s not going to read like a very good fic, is it? Because people are going to go in looking for Thor and Jane, and they’re not going to find them. They’re going to find two completely different characters.

Make sense?

I’m not asking for people to go and get a fucking MFA in Creative Writing. I’m not even saying don’t write RPF or Readerfic or whatever. Write what you want! Just call it what it is. If it’s a carrot cake, call it a carrot cake, don’t call it pineapple upside down cake, because I’m gonna be pissed when I taste carrots instead of pineapple.

I never said people shouldn’t write something or that they shouldn’t write for fun. Yes, write for fun! Just... it’s like tagging properly, for fuck’s sake! If someone doesn’t warn for Rape or Major Character Death I imagine you would be rather miffed, non?

And y’know what, here’s the thing I probably should’ve led with: I’m allowed to have an opinion and I’m allowed to have a pet peeve. I don’t know if you noticed but I’m not running an archive and setting up rules people have to follow. I’m literally just giving an opinion. I’m allowed to have things that annoy me about fic, I’m allowed to sometimes rant about them, I’m sure you have pet peeves and things you wish people would do as well. It was an unpopular opinion post where I was spouting off salt. It’s not my master’s dissertation.

Again: imagine me saying this as we talk on the couch, hot coco in hand. I’m sure you didn’t mean to get up onto a soapbox or sound hurtful. I’m sure that the fact that we can’t see each other’s faces, or hear each other’s voices, makes it easier for us to read one another’s words as aggressive. I want to believe that you sent this ask with love in your intentions, and I hope that you can hear that I’m being firm in my stance, but I’m also not intending any ill will.

tl;dr I’m entitled to my opinion, I’m entitled to my pet peeve, it was a salty ranting “get it off my chest” unpopular opinion post. It’s not that deep.

#mads answers things #call me Lot's Wife #I have no fucking clue how my post about people miswriting fic made someone think I'm the fucking fanfiction quality police #but here we are #I don't want to seem aggressive or bitchy #but I am also going to be firm here #girlswhorunmyfandoms

[cheekblush]

HI! Sorry if this is weird but I was wondering who are your closest tumblr friends? and how did you find them? I can't seem to make friends here.. Thank you 💖

hello there! :) don’t worry, that’s not a weird question. i know how difficult it can be to make new friends and i’m more than glad to let you know about some of the loveliest people i have met on here and how i did so. (i put the rest under read more bc it got hella long so i’m sorry if you’re not able to read this on the mobile app) 💛💛💛

my closest friends are undoubtedly @lieparkjimin @jiminsoftgf @btsarekings & @wheeinscutegf and we basically got to know each other through our mutual love for jimin. 💕 first we became mutuals and just tagged each other in lots of jimin posts. eventually i started chatting with some of them and then sarah (lieparkjimin) had the brilliant idea of forming a group chat and that was really the beginning of a beautiful bond with all these girlies. they’re like sisters to me tbh and i would rob all the stars from the sky for them. they really changed my life for the better and idek what i would do without them. i can assure you that all of these angels have a heart of gold and they’re always open to making new friends. 🌹👼✨

@acousticver is another very close friend of mine. we were also mutuals (again bc of our mutual love for jimin) and one time i tagged her in a “get to know me” game. she then messaged me bc she’s from russia and my mother tongue is russian and we just instantly clicked bc we have so much in common. rina is such a sweetheart and it’s always a pleasure to talk to her. she’s very open minded and i’m sure she’ll be more than happy to make new friends 💛🍑🌼

@goddessofbaekhyun okay tbh idek how becky and i became friends lmao. i always admired her from afar bc she has a bomb ass blog and i don’t even remember a time that we weren’t mutuals?? we’ve been following each other for a very long time and she always tagged me in her selfies and moodboards and we mostly interacted through tags and comments at first. sometime she messaged me and asked if there’s anything specific i want to be tagged in and we instantly bonded over our love for the color pink and flowers!!! and now we tag each other mostly in pink posts from time to time and write concepts for each other and it’s the cutest thing tbh. becky is so funny and unapologetically sarcastic and confident and i just admire her so much. i can guarantee you a fun time if you decide to talk to her! 🍨🌸🍦

@iloveleejihoon serena!!!! (i love her name so much and i use every chance i get to type it out hdvdokdw) as far as i remember serena and i were also mutuals and one time i messaged her bc our love for jaebum and thankfully one little message blossomed into a beautiful friendship. serena is such a kind hearted, genuine and funny little princess and i feel so honored to be able to call her my friend tbh. it’s so refreshing to talk to her, you definitely won’t regret it! she’s honestly so sweet and nice so don’t be afraid to hit her up! 🐰💓🍥

@sheloveskook vinda is hands down the nicest and kindest person on this website!! there’s no denying or arguing in that. it’s a proven fact and i am sure that everybody who knows her will agree without any hesitation. she loves her followers and mutuals so much and she’s just so thoughtful, considerate, soft hearted and spreads so much joy and positivity. honestly she fills my heart with so much warmth and comfort and she loves getting to know new people! so don’t be shy and message this absolute angel. we also were mutuals for a long time and tagged each other in lots of jikook posts and eventually started talking. even though we don’t talk that much (bc i’m hella busy with uni 😩) i know i can always hit her up if i have a problem. i cherish her so much and you’ll be so grateful once you get to know her! 🍓🌞🍒

@01jeonguk fernanda is not only one of the softest jungkook stans but also one of the friendliest and kindest persons all around!! she’s beautiful, both inside and out. we were mutuals for the longest time and tagged each other in jikook posts back and forth and naturally ended up talking to each other. we might not chat as often as we used to but she always has a special place in my heart. talking to her is just so enjoyable and she really is incredibly sweet, genuine and encouraging! fernanda is a great friend and you’re missing out if you don’t talk to her tbh. 💜💞💜

@tereliyeh yet another beautiful friendship that blossomed thanks to our love for jimin. rida messaged me one time showering me with compliments vsvldbdb. i was so flattered and simply blown away by her kindness and positivity. we instantly clicked as well because we have so much in common and we seriously could talk for hours, if not days. we always send each other long ass paragraphs and can’t even keep up with each other lmao. i am so thankful for having met this angel because she is filled with so much warmth and generosity and it’s just so easy to talk to her. if all the people in the world were like rida, we would surely have world peace. it’s really rare to meet someone THIS pure and precious. honestly please do me the favor and message her, you will thank me. 💐🎀🍧

okay this has already gotten way longer than i intended to and i will deadass write a novel if i keep going like this but nonetheless i want to mention some more lovely mutuals that i consider my friends. even though we may not interact a lot, i appreciate all of these lil baby angels from the bottom of my heart and i can guarantee you that all of them will happily welcome you if you decide to get to know them better.

@1una @brokenalaska @nochugf @dewyjimin @liqgloss @bts420 @foryoubybts @1ovescams @jmins @parksjmin @cupidvirgo @geongguk @18nth @glamgould @jiminsmaingirl @jeonsboy @hoejisoo @jimintensify @cryjeon @lie @roseprimer @kihyunswife @jiminslov @kthshoney @pjjms @jjksgirl @officialimjaebum @dontyumind @1bighits​ @4oclockbytaehyungandnamjoon @jjkboo @jiminnsgf @1hannie @jiminsthot @2unmi @ilovbangtan @bwis-wife @taehyungsbff @moonkissedjimin

i’m sorry that this got so long but i just love all of these people so much and i honestly could write a 100 page essay about every single one of them. the things i wrote don’t even do them justice tbh but i hope i was able to give you a lil overview of some of the best people i have encountered on here. tumblr is really full of one of a kind human beings that make this world a better place. you just gotta take the time to properly get to know them. as you can see i met most of these people by tagging them and messaging them. so the best advice i can give you is to just approach someone if you find them interesting. don’t be afraid to send a message. tbh you can even be super forward and just say “hey, i’d like to get to know you better and become your friend”. or just compliment someone, it’s always good to spread positivity and happiness. people might start messaging you themselves. of course, nothing can be forced but you’ll notice yourself when it clicks and when it doesn’t. i have something in common with all of these people and it’s always great when you can talk to someone who loves the same things as you do. so try talking to people who are passionate about the same things and most importantly: be a nice and respectful person!!

again, sorry that this turned out so long and i hope this helps you! also feel free to message me anytime, i always enjoy getting to know new people and i’d like to be your friend 💝👼

#wow someone really needs to shut my stupid ass up kjashfkjahsfkajhf #i etiher go all the way out or don't try at all there's no inbetween lmao #anyways i hope nobody is offended by me calling them my friend??? #if you're uncomfortable with this please hit me up!!! #also i want to use this opportunity to all the people i haven't replied to in like 89786465456465 years i'm truly sorry :((( #i have so many unread messages tbh but i just can't seem to find the time to get back to all of them #i hope you guys don't hate me and i hope you know that regardless of the fact that we might not talk often i love all of you so damn much #honestly even if he haven't talked in forever i cherish each one of you so much and i appreciate all of you so much #i hope you know that #please forgive me for being so fucking bad at replying :(( #also you're probably only able to read this on your laptop since the mobile app doesnt show the read more link for whatever reason #@tumblr fix your bs #@anon i hope this helps you :) #and as i said don't be afraid to message me as well #i might take some time to reply but i definitely will!! #replies #anon #also i hope this doesn't mess up anyone's notifs tumblr be acting tf up lately #it's funny how i tried to keep this short and it still turned into an essay sdkfjsjkdf