#i am ALWAYS jonathan was steve's awakening truthing

[unfinishedslurs]

aware of his bisexuality steve (steddie, buckingham)

“Is that a hickey?” Comes out of Steve’s mouth without permission. But there it is, bright purple and red against the slope of her neck. She’s been walking kind of funny this morning, too. He’d assumed her period came early, but… “Rob, did you—“

Eddie fumbles the coffee mug he was pulling down. Chrissy freezes, face turning white with fear. Robin whips around, face bright red, and slaps a hand over her neck. 

“Bathroom!” She yelps. “Bathroom now!”

“Wait,” Eddie says, setting the mug down with trembling hands. “It was me. Sorry, man.”

Steve stares at him, unimpressed. Why the fuck would he lie about—

He looks at Chrissy again, who takes a nervous step back, and it clicks. 

“Right,” he says, nodding quickly. “You. You gave Robin a hickey. Had totally awesome sex that she didn’t even tell me about.” He directs that last bit at Robin pointedly. He told her almost immediately when he lost his guy-ginity. Traitor. “Yep. Sure. Got it.”

Eddie blinks, confused. Robin buries her face in her hands. 

“Oh my god, calm down,” she groans. “That’s not going to work. Steve’s cool.”

“Cool?” Chrissy asks, still looking ready to bolt. 

“Super cool,” he assures her. “The coolest. So incredibly cool, even if my best friend didn’t even tell me when she lost her virginity.”

“Steve!”

“Sorry, sorry,” he says. “But I am going to need details, Buckley. We can go over what worked, and what needs more oomph.”

“Oh my god, can we talk about this anywhere else,” Robin groans, at the same time Eddie asks, “What, so you can get off on it later?”

“What,” Steve says. 

“You think two girls are hot, is that it?” He’s got a sneer on his face now, but Steve’s more observant than Dustin gives him credit for. Even if he wasn’t, it’d be hard to miss how hard his hands are shaking, the nervous tilt to his mouth. 

“Ew.” Steve’s face screws up. “Dude, no. It’s Robin.”

“Hey, fuck you,” Robin breaks in, from where she’s started comforting Chrissy. “You thought I was hot for at least a summer.”

His mouth drops open in betrayal. “We agreed to never talk about that again!”

“Can’t help being sexy,” she coons. Chrissy giggles wetly. “You wanna get married, Harrington? Have my babies? Stay home and raise six little nuggets while I bring home the bread?”

“I hate you,” he informs her. “Hate you so much. We’ll have a nice, heterosexual wedding and share a sad, heterosexual kiss, and you’ll carry me over the threshold of our nice, heterosexual house, and we’ll have boring, heterosexual sex that gives us nice, heterosexual babies, because we are so heterosexual and happy in our suburburban house in our nice little heterosexual town.”

He’s honestly kind of proud of himself for saying heterosexual so many times. Usually he fumbles words with that many syllables, especially after that many times in a row. 

Chrissy is outright laughing, now, endearing little snorts making their way between giggles. Eddie is looking between them like they’re a puzzle he can’t piece together. Robin grins.

“I’ll cuck you with the secretary.”

“Not if I cuck you first. You’ll be away all day in that office of yours, and I need someone big and strong to carry all the new furniture I ordered.”

“I knew it! I knew Timmy wasn’t mine!”

“Oh, but I couldn’t help myself,” he swoons. “Mark was just so sweet, with his bulging biceps and hand flexes, all hot and sweaty from helping poor little me while you were away! You know I’m weak to curly hair and brown eyes, Rob, how’s a man supposed to resist?”

“Fag,” she says, not without affection. 

“Dyke,” he shoots back. 

“Cocksucker.”

“Carpet—“

“Okay,” Eddie breaks in, clapping his hands. He and Robin both startle, and so does Chrissy from where she’s been watching them like a particularly interesting tennis match. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Robin lost her virginity and didn’t even tell me,” Steve says immediately, like he’s tattling to the principal. 

“Steve doesn’t seem to understand the concept of waiting,” Robin retorts. 

“I told you when I had gay sex,” he whines, and Eddie chokes. “I hate you. See if I ever give you tips again.”

“Oh, is that what you meant?” Chrissy asks. “Please don’t stop. They were good tips.”

Robin flushes all the way down to her toes. 

“You like boys?” Eddie wheezes. 

“Oh,” Steve blinks. “Yeah? I thought you knew.”

“You thought I—how would I know?”

The fuck is that supposed to mean? Steve’s been flirting with him for months!

“Robin always says we can sense each other! You sensed her.”

“You told him?” Eddie’s mouth drops open, and Robin looks sheepish.

“She didn’t have to,” Steve snarks. “You’re flagging in Hawkins, man. Was I supposed to miss it?”

“You know what flagging is?”

“Again, in case you missed it, I fuck men.”

“Fuck,” Eddie mutters. “Fuck! Christ, I can’t believe this. You’re, like, the epitome of heterosexual. I spent half of high school having to hear about how much pussy you were getting. Why are you not straight?”

“Wow, Eddie,” he deadpans. “Are you saying just because I like men and woman, I’m not queer enough? That’s kind of homophobic of you, man.”

“Yeah, Eddie, wow,” Robin says. “I thought you were better than this.” 

“Fuck off,” Eddie says. “I feel like I need to lie down. My entire worldview just shattered.”

“I have a couch?” Chrissy offers shyly. “Or a bedroom, if you need a minute away.” Fuck, Steve kind of adores her. Especially since she’s apparently vicious n bed, if the five other hickies he counts just from Robin bending down a little to whisper in her ear are any indication. Good for her.  

“Don’t worry, Eddie,” Robin says, with a glint in her eye that means he’s either going to love or hate what comes next. “If it helps, Steve’s never fucked a man in his life.”

Eddie’s brow furrows, looking between the two of them. “So…you’re just making fun of me?”

He looks a little angry now, and Steve can’t make heads or tails of this conversation because, “What the hell, Rob, yes I have—“

“Oh, so suddenly you’re the one doing the fucking?”

“Stop making fun of me for taking it!”

Eddie lets out an honest to god moan that he immediately slaps his hand over his mouth to cover up. “Right,” he says fervently. “Okay. I need to lie down, like, for real.” 

They watch him stride down the hall, so fast he’s almost running, and slam the door closed behind him.

“I could totally top,” he mutters to Robin as something that sounds vaguely like muffled screaming echoes down the hall. “I top girls all the time. It’s not my fault prostates are a gift from God.”

“Uh, you top because all the girls you fuck are from small town Indiana. If one of them brought out the strap you’d drop to your knees so fast—“

“That’s—I like topping!”

“Your favorite position is cowgirl. Forgive me if I don’t believe you.”

“I will show Chrissy your baby pictures,” he hisses. Robin makes a face at him. Chrissy nods excitedly from where she’s still tucked under Robin’s arm. 

“Oh what’s that?” Robin practically shouts. “You like being pressed against walls and ravished? You want someone to tie you up and have their filthy way with you? Is that what you said, Steve?”

Another noise from the bedroom. He narrows his eyes at her. “What are you doing?”

“Helping,” she says sweetly. “You’re both hopeless.”

“I told you he’s shy!”

“Eddie?” Chrissy asks. “Shy?”

“Yeah, okay, I was confused too, but I figured it was the romance! He told me he hasn’t actually been in a relationship before, I assumed he was nervous to take that step.”

“Yeah, but dingus,” Robin says sweetly. “You’re missing a puzzle piece here. He thought you were straight. He thought he was flirting with his straight best friend he didn’t have a chance in hell with, and then he finds out that said best friend likes taking it up the ass and men with brown eyes.”

“Oh,” Steve says, realization dawning. “Oh, fuck. What if he doesn’t like me like that?”

Robin smacks the back of his head. “Why are you stupid?”

“I don’t think you have to worry about that,” Chrissy says. “Like, really don’t have to worry about that.”

“I’m not coming over tonight,” Robin says. “I’m gonna stay with Chrissy again. Er…if that’s okay?”

“That sounds amazing.” Chrissy beams, and Robin turns red again.

“Yeah, I’m going to stay with Chrissy again tonight. You are going to invite Eddie to stay the night when he gets done with his little crisis, and then we’re getting lunch at the diner tomorrow and you can tell me about it before our shift.”

“Right,” Steve says. “Right, I can do this. I’ve invited guys over before, how hard can it be? It’s just Eddie. But that was hotel rooms, not my house and my bedroom with my shitty wallpaper. And it’s Eddie. Fuck, what if I’m shit at it? Robin, what if I’m actually bad at sex and everyone who’s ever said I was good was lying because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings? Oh my god, I’m totally bad at sex.”

“Woah, dingus, slow down. I think we took the mind meld too far, you’re turning into me.”

“If it helps, I don’t think you’re bad at sex,” Chrissy says. Steve and Robin look at her, and she flushes. “Because of the tips! Not because—I’ve never slept with you, but some of my friends did, and I got three orgasms out of last night, so…”

“Oh thank God,” he breathes. “I was worried for a minute.” Then he raises an eyebrow at Robin, and holds out his hand for a high five. She slaps it, begrudgingly proud of herself, and then takes the hand to pull him into a headlock that’s honestly more of a hug than anything. 

“You’re fine,” she whispers in his ear. “You’re great at sex, as you keep telling me. What’s more, you’re funny, charming, handsome, brave, caring—“

“Aww, Robin, are you getting sappy on me?”

“Plus Eddie literally moaned in front of you when he found out you bottomed. I really don��t think there’s a way to fuck that up.”

Steve grins. “He did do that. I’m going to make so much fun of him later.”

“So,” Eddie says with a smirk, “men with brown eyes?”

“Hey man, don’t look at me. Blame Jonathan.”

Now Eddie looks stunned, mouth dropping open. “Byers?” He says, sounding betrayed. “You have a crush on Byers of all people?”

Steve feels offended on Jonathan’s behalf. “What’s that supposed to mean? Jonathan’s a good guy!”

“I guess.”

“What do you mean you guess? He’s sweet, passionate, good with kids, nice eyes. Can pack a punch. I mean, what’s not to like?”

“Uh, didn’t he steal your girlfriend?”

He waves that off. “That was, like, years ago, man. We’re cool now.”

“Right, okay,” Eddie mutters. “Well have fun with Byers, I guess.”

It clicks. “Oh,” he says. “Oooh. You’re jealous.”

Eddie splutters. “Jealous? I’m not—I don’t—you’re jealous!”

“Oh, am I?”

“Yes,” Eddie says resolutely, not looking at him. 

“Right,” Steve agrees. “Well, if I am jealous, maybe I should know that I got over Jonathan years ago, and have since moved on to brighter, hopefully more attainable pastures than my ex’s ex.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“A different man with brown eyes?” He suggests. “Who is also good with kids, and passionate, and…” he trails off, suddenly realizing all those times Robin made fun of him might not be based on nothing. “Oh my god, I have a type. Shit, I have to tell Robin she was right.”

“I figured that was a common occurrence.”

“Shut up. Where was I going with this? I had a point.”

“You were telling me how awesome I am?”

“Oh, suddenly it’s you we’re talking about?”

“I mean,” suddenly Eddie looks shy, and Steve can’t help but think even with the change in context he might have been right when he told Robin Eddie was nervous about being in a real, romantic relationship, “isn’t it?”

He feels himself smile, slow and wide and probably more revealing than he means it to be. “Yeah,” he says, in a tone he knows Robin would call soppy, “it is.”

#technically all my bi steve fics have him aware he'd bi but for the purpose of naming we'll call it that #aware of his bisexuality steve au #i am ALWAYS jonathan was steve's awakening truthing #steddie #buckingham #i think that's their ship name? #eddie munson #steve harrington #robin buckley #chrissy cunningham #accidental outing #i'm not really a bottom steve truther but i thought it would be funny for this #stranger things fanfic

[scarletwitching]

You said Jonathan Hickmans Avengers made you real mad? Could you (or have you) elaborate on that?

When I first sat down to answer this, I decided I should re-read the run, so that I could better articulate what bothered me about it. Then I tried to re-read it, and I quickly went, “No. That’s not happening.” I didn’t get very far, which is why this won’t be the most well-argued post.

The thing that made me so mad that I quit reading most regular Avengers comics was the last issue where Steve and Tony punch each other while the world ends.

Avengers Vol. 5 #44

It’s a terrible scene, and it puts me in mind of this article about The Force Awakens.1

When you’ve actually invented a tragedy that’s hundreds of thousands of times bigger than the Holocaust (in a film that prominently references Nazis) only in order to threaten that they’re about to do it again, in a matter of seconds, YOU CANNOT ASK YOUR AUDIENCE TO CARE THAT SOME GUY AND HIS SON ARE WASTING THOSE ESSENTIAL SECONDS HAVING A MOMENT ON A BRIDGE.

No. You cannot. That is a fatal flaw. That is an inversion of stakes so monstrous that it makes the film actually despicable.

The world stops when two white men need to hash out their feelings.

I found the way Steve and Tony’s relationship was handled towards the end of that book to be uncomfortable and bad. “You lied to me!!!!11” Okay? Aren’t you guys supposed to be heroes? Shouldn’t you be focused on saving all the life in the universe? Who approved this characterization?2 Who thought this was a good idea? Why am I supposed to care about this when the world is ending? It seems like Hickman was just using their relationship (and the precedent set by Mark Millar) as an excuse to write them, particularly Steve, in the most unlikable way possible. ‘Oh, you know Steve and Tony. They’re just evil when they’re together.’

Over the past couple of decades, Marvel has decided that everyone is deeply invested in that dynamic, and I just… don’t care about it. That’s not to say that no one cares about it. We all have different tastes, and that’s fine. But that relationship is not for me, and it’s so overexposed that I don’t want to read comics about it anymore. Hickman’s Avengers was my breaking point. After that, I decided no more Steve and Tony, if they’re going to act like that around each other. Even if they aren’t, I still need a break. A years-long break.

…and then there was the part where the Avengers went to a sovereign nation, broke into the home of some civilian refugees fleeing a genocide, and beat them up. This is getting a little long, so I’ll put the rest under a cut.

Infinity #1

It’s exactly what I said. They went to Italy (Hawkeye now speaks perfect Italian for some reason). They broke into an apartment inhabited by refugees who had fled a genocide. They had been (illegally??) spying on the refugees, but hadn’t tried to piece together any information about them as individuals or their situation. There’s no evidence that the refugees hurt or even bothered anyone. But the Avengers broke down their door, and without putting any actual effort into a peaceful solution, beat them up and arrested them.

This was written in 2013. Not that there’s ever a good time to write this, but wow, this was written in 2013.

Oh, and Infinity’s final issue has this aside:

Infinity #6

There’s a counterargument here that the Skrulls are just aliens, and it’s not that serious. My counterargument to that counterargument is Secret Invasion. Secret Invasion is the most famous modern Skrull story, and it is the context a Skrull story from 2013 would be understood in. It’s also an Islamophobic metaphor where the Skrulls are religious extremists who want to take over Earth and who keep saying “jihad” for some reason, despite being aliens. I don’t think the Skrull scene from Infinity is as bad as Secret Invasion, but it’s also not good.

This scene speaks to deeper problems I have with Hickman’s Avengers run. He takes an authoritarian angle with the team. The Avengers aren’t just superheroes in his vision. They’re imperialist ICE agents. When I think about Hickman’s work, I always come back to that first issue of Ultimates he wrote, where no female characters speak and the most important on-page role a woman has is to give an Important Man™ his coffee.3 That issue ends like this:

Ultimate Comics: Ultimates #1

Once upon a time, the Avengers answered to bureaucrats. Now, everything is SHIELD, and presidents defer to superheroes. For some, this is a subtle change, a difference in details they don’t care about. To me, it fundamentally alters the nature of the team and the world they reside in. I can root for an Avengers team that has to steal a bus because their security clearance was taken away.4 I have a much harder time rooting for Hickman’s authoritarian god-men who hold the fate of all life in their hands, but choose to be petty and insular.

For Hickman, it’s an Avengers’ World, but an Avengers’ World is not one I’m interested in. It flattens the overall texture of the Marvel Universe, and it does a disservice to the Avengers themselves. They are much less relatable, likable, and human when it’s an Avengers’ World.

This is the point where I have to say, “Maybe we’re supposed to know that the Avengers are bad in this, and that’s the point.” I’m not sure how much I believe that though. Do I think Hickman thinks everything they’re doing is good and right? No, but he doesn’t do a good enough job of analyzing and critiquing their actions within the narrative to justify things like the Skrull scene. Depiction =/= endorsement, but you should be saying something greater than “these characters do bad stuff sometimes.” I’m not convinced Hickman’s Avengers has much self-awareness or commentary.

I don’t agree with the fandom line of thinking that Big Two characters are sacred and we should never do anything that might be negative with them. There are, for example, criticisms of Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch’s Ultimates that begin and end with, “They made Captain America a xenophobe, and that’s bad because Captain America is supposed to be a good guy.” I don’t see it that way. There are problems with Ultimates, but it’s an alternate universe that ought to be allowed an alternate take. Writers should be allowed to say something, via a character called Captain America, besides “Steve is nice.” It matters how it’s handled though, and I’m not sure it’s even worth it to try. There is so much emotional investment in these characters that it’s difficult to make sharp political statements with them.

Going back to depiction vs. endorsement, we’re supposed to know Millar and Hitch’s Ultimates are bad people, but that doesn’t make the sexism (or the outdated Freddie Prinze Jr. references) any less real. That book is trying to say something, and it aims to be a satire. But it lacks the necessary tact and finesse to make that work.

To steal from someone else’s Hickman critique: “That’s the point.” “That doesn’t make it better.”

Worst of all, Hickman’s Avengers made me feel bad for Rick Remender. His run on Uncanny happened concurrently with Hickmanvengers, and Remender made a big deal of pushing back against the narrative that had come out of Avengers vs. X-Men about the Avengers being jack-booted thugs. To the point where he had Captain America say, “We’re not jack-booted thugs” in the first issue.

Uncanny Avengers Vol. 1 #1

And then along came Hickman screaming, “Never mind!! Yes, they are!!!” Imagine trying to make a point about the Avengers not being authoritarian assholes while someone else is writing this in a different title:

Avengers Vol. 5 #35

You can tell Remender wasn’t pleased because he got salty about being negatively compared to Hickman in the Uncanny Avengers annual. In true Remender fashion, it was inappropriately salty, but I understood where he was coming from.

Uncanny Avengers Annual 1

Let me be clear: No one is lesser because they like Hickman’s Avengers. It’s not a reason to insult someone. Remender is being facetious (and kind of a jerk) here. But there is some truth in poking fun at the “indecipherable mysteries.” I’ve already talked some about what’s wrong with Remender’s criticism, so I won’t dwell on this too much.

Overall, Hickman’s tastes and mine seem diametrically opposed. I prefer smaller casts and stakes. I like personal, character-driven stories about women. I want nuanced characterization and subtle, organic character development. And I don’t get any of that from Hickman’s work. Some people find his character arcs compelling, but I don’t. The Steve/Tony dynamic in his run is so over the top and inauthentic that it would be comical if it weren’t so annoying. I read a Hickman comic, and I just see nonsense words and no real emotions. It’s all Important Men™ and the women who bring them coffee.

Anyway, the best thing about Hickman’s Avengers is that Wanda isn’t in it. We dodged a bullet there. A true W for the home team.

1. I don’t care about Star Wars. Please do not yell at me about Star Wars.

2. It was Tom Brevoort. It’s always Tom Brevoort.

3. Someone’s gonna tell me to read East of West. No, I haven’t read East of West. I’ve heard he handles the female characters in that better, but I couldn’t say whether or not that’s true.

4. The bus scene still has them kicking everyone else off, but it gives those people a voice, however briefly. The Avengers are still people in that scene. They’re not an absolute authority with power over everyone else.

#the chaos magics #answered

[letmewritemylife]

Voice In My Head (Part 1)

I let you bury me alive for far too long. - I Prevail (Worst Part of Me)

A/N Feel free to ignore the whole table thing, I wrote it at 3am on a week day and was too lazy to cut it out.

TRIGGER WARNINGS Dreams related to rape (first paragraph), implied abusive relationship, canon-like violence, mentions of past abuse, everyone with more than one PhD is terrible at emotions.

A pained scream escapes her throat before a hand tightly wraps around her neck, silencing her. All Lara can think of is pain. Pain. An immeasurable amount of pain. A warm tear carves her cheek and, once again, she hopes to die. It hurts. So. Damn. Much. Almost there, he's almost there. Why must he always be so horny when he's drunk? Her face is thrown against the pillow by a slap before he spits on her cheek. His grip tightens, blocking her pipes a bit more. He blurts out something, but she doesn't listen. It almost surely is an insult to her. Or a random curse. Or both, one after the other. She lets out another tear, ignoring all the pain. After all that's what painkillers exist for, right?

"I didn't come this far to sink so low, I'm finally holding on to letting go!" Corey Taylor's voice breaks the silence of Lara's room, forcing her to listlessly turn in her bed and reach for her phone before the chorus of her ringtone can wake up everyone at the Sanctum in the middle of the night.

"Hi," she mutters, still half asleep. Sitting up in her bed, she rests an arm on her lap and leans back against the headboard. Her far from pleasant dream still lingers in the corners of her mind and she sighs. "What do you need, Tony?"

The inventor swallows heavily. "I- I need you to get here at the Headquarters as soon as possible. And bring Jonathan too. And be fast."

Shoving her keys down her pocket, Lara knocks on the door of the conference room. Jonathan looks around himself, surprised to see other people awaken at such an insane hour. "Come in," someone screams from inside the room and the two step in carefully. Everyone is sitting around the usual big glass table, looking sadly at Lara as she sits down on an empty black chair.

Jonathan plops down next to her and turns to Steve, who studies them with his arms crossed. "What do you guys need?" Jonathan asks, moving his gaze among all the Avengers around him.

Steve takes a deep breath. "Just watch this."

The super soldier presses a button on a remote control and the screen in front of the table turns on. The voice coming through the speakers makes goosebumps immediately rise all over Lara's arm. "Good evening, dear Avengers." The man's dark eyes scan the room and set on Lara. If she didn't know it's a recorded video, she would feel even more uncomfortable. Alex hasn't changed in the slightest, she can still see that homicidal rage inside his eyes. She clenches her teeth before Jonathan's hand reaches for hers, squeezing it reassuringly. 

The man takes a step back as eight other people appear on the screen. They're blindfolded and gagged, tight ropes around their wrists and ankles, and the vision of their pain sends a pleasant tingle down Alex's spine, Lara is sure of it. "Pretty, aren't they?" He comments with a devilish smirk on his lips. "They'll look even better after I've cut their heads off."

Lara bites her inner cheek and clasps Jonathan's hand tighter, throwing a quick glance to his face. "He's not going to do it," his eyes say. "You can beat your head he is," she thinks. She can read it on his face, he's on a killing spree and he won't hesitate to brutally murder everyone he meets.

"However," Alex continues, his hands clasped together before his abdomen, "I'm willing to come to terms with S.H.I.E.L.D." The grin on his face makes Lara shudder and she holds her breath. "Call it a courtesy since you have been so kind to take care of my dear girl while I was gone."

Jonathan clenches his jaw and he's so angry that, as he squeezes Lara's hand even more tightly, the veins on his neck become more visible. He looks down at her for a moment, but she is staring blankly at the screen. How can she be so calm when that monster is calling her his?

The truth is that she is, in no way or shape, calm. Jonathan's steadier grip is the only thing keeping her from falling down and curling up on the floor, crying until her eyes are completely dried and screaming until her lungs are empty. But she can't do those things and she just looks forwards, her heart racing faster and faster in her chest.

Alex goes on. "Obviously, I can't allow just anyone in here. So, in exchange for my generous offer of meeting you, I ask to choose who I will meet." He pauses for a moment, as if he could sense the tension in the room and pleasure himself with it.  "I want Johnson, alone and disarmed. You may accompany her for most of the road. If you accept my proposal, I will send you where to leave her for my men to pick her up." One last grin. "Otherwise, you'll have to find eight new agents."

The video ends abruptly and silence falls in the room. It's Lara to finally speak. "I'm going." Everyone turns to her, all of them equally shocked.

"Lara…" Jonathan breaths out, his voice low and raw as the lump in his throat tightens. He's looking down, trying to process everything he has seen, but doesn't let go of her hand.

She finally lets out the breath she's been holding for a long time now. "Tell him I-"

Suddenly Jonathan jumps up, his chair almost falling down. He looks at her with a mixture of sadness and rage in his eyes. "This is out of discussion," he almost screams, his veins growing even bigger on his neck.

She then gets up, staring him right in the eyes and jerking his hand away. "I. Am. Going," she says, emphasising each word. "End of discussion." And she leaves the room, arms crossed on her chest. The other Avengers can only stare as Jonathan dashes out of the room after her.

Lara takes a sip of her coffee, trying in vain to warm herself up. Her eyes linger on the smallest details of the table, every crack, every stain, every carving. Right now, she feels like her mind could be easily compared to that flawed surface: it's overall fine, it can be used without big troubles, yet it's not perfect, it's not new and it will never be. If someone around there wanted a perfect table, they should have kept idiots from engraving their initials on it. 

Now the question is: if someone came by and kicked that table right in the middle when that poor surface is least expecting it, would it break? Would it shatter to pieces, with hundreds of shards, carved and stained, covering the floor? Or maybe the fact itself that it has endured so much means it is way more resistant than others expect it to be? What if, ironically, the person who wrote his initials all over the once perfect surface decided to break that table once and for all, but as soon as he kicked it in its weakest spot he broke his foot? Wouldn't it be great to be such a strong table that gets to break the foot of the person who once treated it so poorly?

She takes a deep breath and slowly exhales. Stopping any other philosophical reflection inspired by lifeless furniture, she just hopes Stephen sees her message informing him about the situation. 

Lara doesn't even flinch when she hears the sound of someone moving a chair beside her. She lets out another breath and her eyes flutter closed. "I know what you're thinking, but I'm not changing my mind."

Jonathan reaches for her hand, wrapped around the cup of coffee. "I'm- I'm just trying to keep you safe." She nods and he continues. "You shouldn't go there alone, he's gone crazy."

She breathes out a sarcastic laugh. "As if he had ever been sane." She turns to face him and tilts her head slightly to the side. "If I don’t do as he says, he will kill those people and I cannot allow that."

"And I," he replies, "cannot allow him to kill you." He reaches for her other hand too and wraps them both in his. "Please Elle..."

She leans forward, her resigned expression hurting Jonathan more than anything else ever could. "He's on a killing spree!"

"Which is exactly why you shouldn't go there alone!"

Lara sighs loudly and retracts a hand to move a strand of hair from his face. Her gaze is lost somewhere else, in a place Jonathan doesn't know, a place she isn't even sure still exists physically but is permanently painted in her worst nightmares. "Don't make it harder than it already is."

That's it, Jonathan is waiting for her outside the Headquarters. In no time she'll be on a plane directed to Oklahoma City and there will be absolutely no way out. No way out.

Lara turns left and then right, occasionally throwing glances to the few agents walking around the Avengers Compound. She crosses her arms tighter over her chest, trying to slow down her racing heart, but it's all in vain. Fear tries to take over her, but she pushes it back into the depths of her heart. She stops in front of a big window and looks out. The sun is rising on the horizon and the whole city is tinted in reddish colours, a soft breeze playing with the fronds of the few trees on the other side of the street.

She exhales a deep breath. Why is she even doing it? Why does she have to always be the one to sacrifice herself? Then she straightens herself and frowns. Of course she's doing it, she's the only one who can. She just has to calm down and trust herself, then everything's going to be alright.

"Lara!"

She turns, suddenly awakened by her tranche. Not far from her, Stephen is standing in some casual clothes, a golden portal closing behind him. She slightly tilts her head to the side. She didn't expect to see him there. "Yes?"

He inches closer and looks at her with a sad expression that instantly breaks Lara's heart. "I've read your message," he says slowly. "Please, please tell me you're not seriously going there..."

"I- I have to!" She stutters. She's not even convinced herself and he can see it, as well as the tension written on her face.

"No, you don't," he replies calmly, "just-"

"Stephen, if I don't meet him, he will kill innocent people!" She spits out, voice dying in her throat, and she grabs his wrist for dear balance. Her gaze falls on the ground and her fingers linger on his scars, trailing down more or less serious injuries, her mind lost in her thoughts as she bites her bottom lip and tries so hard not to fall apart.

Stephen lets out a breath and fights with all his strength the urge to immediately hug her and never let her go. "But if you go, he will kill you," he murmurs, his voice barely above a whisper. He brings his free hand to her face and moves a strand of hair behind her ear, a knuckle lingering on her cheek, sliding up and down. "I just-" Voice dies in his throat. "I don't want anything bad to happen to you."

Lara smiles sadly and tilts her head, leaning into his touch. Why must he always make it so hard to leave? "I know," she whispers before launching herself in his arms. She tightly hugs him, arms around his neck and face pressed against the side of his face. Breathing in his sandalwood scent, she shuts her eyes closed and snuggles closer to him.

After a moment of hesitation, Stephen hugs her back. He pulls her closer and closer, his arms so tight around her that they could break her ribs. Finally he melts down and lets his face fall in her hair. His nostrils fill with her sweet vanilla scent and he just squeezes her tighter, unable to express all the things going on in his head.

Lara swallows. Her heart is racing even more than before and she just doesn't want to go. But she has to. She turns her face and presses a quick kiss to Stephen's cheek, her hand gently holding his jaw. If there were a way to look inside people's head, Lara would be able to see Stephen's neurons crashing against each other. "I have to go," she whispers against his skin before parting from him and rushing out of the hallway. And before he can even acknowledge it, Stephen is alone in the empty corridor, his shaking fingertips brushing his now warm cheek.

The flight is almost completely silent. No one, neither Lara nor Jonathan, wants to say anything. They don't need to, they already know each other's opinion on the situation. Lara notices her legs shaking more and more as time passes, her heartbeat faster than the plane she's on. She strains herself to sleep, "just a couple hours", but she can't.

Almost five hours later, they're in a black car driving down Oklahoma City. Lara is infinitely grateful to Jonathan for being the one to drive, even though doing something could be a decent distraction. He stops near a bar, not far from a narrow alley. Jonathan leans back against his seat with a sigh and turns to her. Before she can even realise it, he's hugging her tightly. He pats her back and kisses her temple. "Call me as soon as you're done and stay safe."

She nods absently, her face buried in the crook of his neck. Why must everyone make her regret her decisions so much? "I'll try to."

Slowly parting from him, she removes her seat belt and opens the door. She throws a glance outside. There's a weak breeze and no one in sight. She turns back and hugs him again. "Love you, Jon."

He smiles sadly. He would trade anything to make sure she'll be safe, but he can't and knowing there's nothing he can do for her makes him feel so powerless. Fear takes over him when he thinks that, actually, he's not even sure she can do something to keep herself safe. He squeezes her. "Love you too, Elle." Then she leaves.

She walks down the small sidewalk, casually looking around herself. Her heart beats faster and faster in her chest and it's almost as it could jump out of her ribs any moment. A dark grey German SUV stops beside her and she stands there, her hands in her pockets and her eyes set on the car. The plate has been clearly changed and Lara can think of at least five people who could have done that work better, the tinted windows are cracked in various spots.

The door on the passenger side opens and a tall Asian man steps out, a dark bulletproof jacket poorly concealed under his bomber. "Get in," he barks, gesturing to the open door. Lara doesn't say anything and sits down, a woman with green hair staring at her from the driver seat. The Asian man sits behind her and violently grips her wrists, pressing them against the sides of the seat and immobilising her. "We had to cut on security systems, but Main could never forgive us if his favourite girl got hurt," he jokes.

Again, Lara doesn't say anything and swallows. The feeling of the man's callous fingers tightened around her wrists is far from the soothing of Stephen's touch, even though the physical sensation is more or less the same. She focuses on her legs, preventing them from shaking, and stares at the road. She would love to try and keep in mind a few street names, but her brain just can't seem to obey her instructions. Doesn't matter, she just hopes she won't need them.

The voice on the radio rocks her for most of the ride, as her eyes stare blankly at the road before her. "I hate myself for giving in the first time, going through hell one too many last times." She sighs and tries to focus on that singing voice, but the excessive use by the driver of the horn keeps reminding her where she is and, most importantly, where she is going.

After what could have been either five minutes or an hour, the car parks in front of a tiny building with ruined, reddish walls. The woman steps out of the car and opens Lara's door, then drags her to the entrance, followed by the other man. Lara crosses her arms and fists her shirt. The hallway she's walking down is warm, but she's never put so much effort not to shiver.

"Get in," the woman says rudely when they stop in front of a dark wooden door. Lara does as asked and suddenly the two close the door behind her. 

She takes a few steps forward, examining the white walls without windows, and places a hand on the metal table in the middle of the room. Then, the door behind her opens again and a couple of agents, armed from head to toe, step in accompanied by him.

Lara crosses her arms even more tightly, fisting her shirt and appealing to all her courage. Alex smirks when he sees her and steps towards her slowly. He puts his hand in his pocket and takes out a gun, which he unexpectedly places in the centre of the table. "We said 'unarmed', didn't we?" He comments with a grin. She arches a brow at his rather pathetic attempt to seem scary. She can do it, she just has to calm down and be brave.

"Sit down, darling," he says gesturing to the two chairs on opposite sides of the table. Lara doesn't waste time on correcting him. Reminding him she stopped being "darling" almost ten years before would only make him angry.

"Long time no see, doll." He leans back against the seat and throws a glance to a black agent, who brings them a bottle of water and two glasses and puts Alex's gun away. Lara has already seen him before, he's one of Alex's oldest friends, one of those who perfectly knew what he did to her but couldn't care less.

"Let's just end this thing quickly please," she answers, crossing her arms on the table and studying the transparent liquid dripping in the two glasses.

He grins and takes a sip, then gestures her to do the same. She inspects the drink and carefully takes a sip. It doesn't seem poisoned. He drank from the same bottle too.

He leans forward, his forearms on the cold surface of the table. "To be honest, I expected better from you, doll," he starts. "Lying to me for years, abandoning me and now betraying me like this… You disappointed me…"

Lara clenches her jaw and for a moment she forgets she's surrounded by armed guards ready to shoot her in the head whenever their twisted leader asks them to. She scoffs. "'Betraying you'? What loyalty did I owe to the man who tortured me for three years?"

His face turns darker. "I've changed, I'm a different man now." His voice is deeper and her leg bunches under the table in fear. But she goes on.

"You always told me you had changed, but I never noticed any difference, or at least not a positive one…" She takes a breath. "But that's not the point. I'm not here for this." But when she understands what is going on, it's too late. Her heart is racing faster and faster and she can hear it in her head, her sweat is as cold as ice. "Fuck". She fell for it. Again.

Alex smirks. "You're wrong baby girl," he says. "It's exactly what you're here for."

Lara jumps up, the chair falling behind her, and she grips the dark man's wrist, inspecting his hand. His fingertips are slightly white. They were covered in powder, the same powder he placed on the rim of her glass. The drug Alex used on her for years.

She doesn't have the time to turn that she's kicked on the floor, her head spinning. She looks up just in time for Alex to kick her on the face. She spits blood all over the floor and feels acid liquids coming to her mouth. "You thought you could abandon me and get away with it, you wh*re?" He screams before he kicks her again, this time in the stomach.

She opens a palm and air tightens around Alex, pushing him against his guards. She gets on her hands and knees and violently throws up, a few drops of blood mixed with the disgusting substance. Then she is pushed down with her face in her vomit. She rolls on her side and Alex spits on her before a guard can force her up and lock her arms behind her back. She kicks him in the shin and uses her powers again, this time making a couple guards fall a few feet underground.

A woman punches her on the nose and she answers by throwing her on the other side of the room. Her head is spinning more and more and her vision is blurring. She has no idea for how long she'll still be able to use her powers. She is kicked in the crotch and punched on the jaw. She throws a guard out of the window, then pushes another one hard enough for him to make a hole in the wall. After a little time there are no more guards, but Alex is still standing. He chokes her, his hands tightening around her throat and pushing her against the table. He grins at the sight of blood dripping down her nose and mouth before Lara throws him against a wall. 

She waits a few seconds until she's sure he has passed out, then reaches for her phone in her pocket. She dials Jonathan's number and waits, hoping he'll answer soon. Her vision is dark and blurry, her head has never been so heavy. She closes her eyes just in time to hear someone picking up the call.

#lara johnson #agata varano #scar #marvel #mcu #oc #original character #writing #mcu fiction #oc fiction #voice in my head #stephen strange x original character

[isagrimorie]

[initial reactions] Justice League

TLDR version: I liked it. I liked it a lot. It had its problems-- pointed look at the camera-- but considering all it had to contend with? I really liked the finished product.

I can actually see myself watching a three hour director's cut of this.

Going through point by point of the movie, Good points and some nitpicks and some ugly, but bringing it all together with the Happy.

This is going to be a surprise but for the few people who know me, I actually wasn't impressed with Avengers. I thought the visuals were so-so, and it brought home what I thought when I first watched Serenity. Joss Whedon is not a good movie director. He can do a passable job on TV but he is no Jonathan Nolan nor is he a JJ Abrams. He doesn't have the visual eye for it, and he tends to go back to his old stand-bys.

(I mentioned it in my initial reactions of Thor: Ragnarok, Joss Whedon wishes he was Taika Waititi but he's not even close.)

Zach Snyder on the other hand? Despite my issues with his other movies, no one can deny that Snyder paints a fantastic visual picture. It is his strongest suit. In this movie he delivered in spades.

This is a really, really great getting the band together movie and the thing that made this work a lot: the characters. They sparked off each other, and you can tell they were having a lot of fun making this movie.

We got to see the Amazons be awesome!

We got to see a lot more of Hippolyta doing action stuff and it was awesome and wonderful! For anyone who wished they saw Queen Hippolyta fight more, we see that! A lot and it's so awesome!

And then she sends out a flare and it was such a heartwarming moment because she knows only one person in the outside world will understand and her whispering as in prayer: 'Hear me, Diana.'

It broke my heart a little because Diana hasn't seen her mother and amazons in a while and then she had to hear from Steppenwolf that a lot of Amazons died. Also, this gives credence to my theory that in BvS, when she decided to help, she was actually on her way to find a way back to Themyscira.

Okay, so the elephant in the room is the treatment of Diana, Amazons, and Lois Lane terrible. Wellllll.... it's not as bad as reported but after watching Wonder Woman, I cringed in a lot of scenes.

The controversial new revealing costumes where there. I don't know why they needed to, and when I saw them standing next to Amazons who are in regular armor costumes, they stand out.

Then the unnecessary camera angles, especially when Diana is standing in front of the camera. It's like a study of male gaze directing vs someone who consciously works against it. I cringed everytime there was butt shot and an upskirt shot. It wasn't a lot but there were enough that coming from watching Wonder Woman, it was bad.

I didn't really need to see that gag about Barry falling on top of Diana and accidentally grabbing her boobs. I did not need to see that. It had Whedon's fingerprints all over it and just NO. NO NO NO NO.

Then there's Arthur Curry loudly telling Diana she was beautiful etc., and then revealing he's actually sitting on the Lasso. They didn't need that and the only important thing we got there that once upon a time the Amazons and Atlanteans were at war. You can practically see Whedon's work there.

Going back to the happy: Danny Elfman to score the movie was the best move ever, and that's one positive cookie points for Whedon. Because the iconic Batman score is there and strains of the iconic Superman march too! Honestly, there is a reason why those were iconic. Star Wars kept to its musical score with other composers just expanded on John Williams work.

Although, I wish there was a Justice League score too. I was waiting for it, actually.

WB really should've let Snyder direct a solo Batman movie because I can practically feel how much he loves Batman everytime he was on screen. This is not a knock by the way, because I would like to watch Snyder's translating Batman graphic novel on the big screen like he did with Watchmen.

I love Diana's relationship with Victor and I love that she keeps wanting to reach and support him. I love how she was mentoring him.

I love how this is about Victor accepting his gifts (as Diana called it) and being the right person to stop the Mother Boxes. He upgraded machinery when needed and found information they needed in time. I still wish for a Cyborg movie, though.

Arthur Curry was advertised but I don't have a lot to say yet I feel that Aquaman will answer a lot of questions but Mera was awesome and he was able to hold off Steppenwolf which is a feat in itself.

Barry Allen was funny and so very young with his own issues, he was like a kid in a candy store when he arrived in the bat cave and his crush on Diana was cute and I don't begrudge him that (the moment with Arthur though, that I wanted to cut out).

Bruce is working over time to get a team started out, and clearly doing this to work off his guilt, Diana calls him on it. And dammit, I'm weak but I ship Bruce and Diana. I can't help it! It's Justice League and JL animated has primed me for shipping Diana and Bruce together, okay?

They never got together in animated but I love that they're playing this as a frisson of tension between them, and that it's mostly Bruce who is kind of pining/crushing over her, in his Bruce way.

But I am also not about Bruce being an asshole to Diana, throwing Steve to her face to 'push her' or whatever. I'm glad that Barry was all: if she murders you, we'll hide the body for her.

I did love the conversation between Bruce and Diana after, and it cleared up the century of not doing anything thing BvS tacked on. I love that Diana revealed that she might not have been visible but she's been fighting for all that time just not leading. 'Because leaders get people killed.'

There's a story there which I hope we can get in her next solo movie, also: Diana casually strolling into Bruce's heavily secured building and in BvS one-upping him in a Spy vs Spy game--- Agent Diana Prince in her next movie Y/Y??????

The CGI. I really try very hard not to notice the CGI but I can't help notice the CGI. All Sci-fi/Superhero movies have this problem, particularly when it comes to the CGI villain. I see no reason why they couldn't used make-up and light CGI, because even the actor had a hard time bringing his villain to life. There's a reason why I liked Hela as a villain, because that was Cate Blanchett acting and not a CGI version of Hela. Even Zod and the other Kryptonians with him were easier because they were not CGI villain.

Someone should put a moratorium on CGI villains.

Unfortunately, there's even a more egregious use of CGI and that's the mustache gate. I do not get why they didn't go with bearded Clark instead of.. waves hand that.

I like Clark in this! I've always thought that Man of Steel 2 should've gone first than BvS, watching BvS then this just kind of solidified it. There were moments in MoS that I loved and thought would continue but Snyder just doubled down on the other part I disliked with BvS but JL felt like it was continuing on with the the tone of the parts I loved in MoS.

I was honestly surprised how they went about the resurrection. There's no fortress of solitude so there was no regeneration matrix but there is the Kryptonian ship and the Mother Box.

Clark's resurrection seem to give a second wind and a happiness that was missing in BvS but had more in common with in the final moments of MoS. I wish though, that Lois had more to do.

And how is it Lois and Diana have never shared a scene together??? This is the second time she mentioned her devotion to the truth, I mean, Diana is all about the truth. Truth is her province. It's where she lives! LOIS AND DIANA NEEDS TO BE FRIENDS DAMMIT.

I liked that Diana was the voice of reason, and even Arthur came around to her way of thinking, in a way that feels like he has experience about people coming back wrong.

Full disclosure: I was afraid they were going to make Diana that wet blanket friend who breaks every body's fun but she had a point which Arthur came around to. They've seen their fair share of things like these going pear shaped.

Fortunately, after the mandatory fighting against the newly awakened Clark things turned out for the better.

Seriously though, Diana taking Clark's headbutt and giving one of her own. AMAZING. He only won that round because he had the advantage of getting more force behind his headbutt via flying. Headbutts are an Amazonian Hello.

Not a fan of Diana being Worf'd just to show how super extra powerful he is, I'm just consoling myself that she either has most of her powers locked away (like in the comic, removing the vambraces would unlock her full potential as a demigod).

I do like that even though Clark had the brute strength, Diana had experience on her side, she fought Steppenwolf like a warrior. Seasoned and skillful.

Also: 'On my lead.' Diana led the team on the ground! I AM HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

I love the final fight there were so many iconic moments and its stitched together really well, one of the biggest issues I had with BvS was how Snyder painted a beautiful picture but it's a moment divorced from the flow of the story. Here it came together pretty well. The iconic moments were iconic without taking away from the story.

I like that they took note of what people had issues with and worked with that feedback, bringing in more color and lightness to the movie while still maintaining the gravity of the situation.

Do you know what else I love? That the final blow was Diana's with an assist from Clark. Because she lives up to her name -- Godkiller.

other moments I liked:

The Superman and Flash race, I love it. It is universal law, a Super and a Flash must always race.

Diana lasso-ing the bank robbers and then greeting a crowd of little girls.

Diana handling the artefact with revenance.

Victor openly working with his dad in the Star Labs

Barry pushing the sword to Diana.

Diana with the red robe over her armor. I love it.

Speaking off, Hippolyta's Helmet!

Luthor finally acting like Luthor and not like an evil Mark Zuckerberg. Also, he freaked out about Clark, what about Diana, who is an actual demigod?

Speaking of demigods, the guy throwing lighting bolts young Zeus or Ares? And when is Diana going to handle lightning? She's the last survivor of the Pantheon, she must inherit it too, right?

WAS THAT ATHENA OR ARTEMIS??? IN ANY CASE I AM HAPPY TO SEE A GODDESS.

#initial reactions #film: justice league #justice league spoilers

[allbestnet]

The last 160 and you are Finished

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The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph - By Ryan Holiday

The Compound Effect - By Darren Hardy

The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving-Kindness - By Pema Chodron

The Entrepreneur Roller Coaster: Why Now Is the Time to #JoinTheRide - By Darren Hardy

The Art of Profitability - By Adrian Slywotzky

Small Is the New Big: and 183 Other Riffs, Rants, and Remarkable Business Ideas - By Seth Godin

The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less - By Barry Schwartz

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - By Robert B. Cialdini

How We Decide - By Jonah Lehrer

The Investor's Manifesto: Preparing for Prosperity, Armageddon, and Everything in Between - By William J. Bernstein

The Geography of Bliss: One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World - By Eric Weiner

What Got You Here Won't Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful - By Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter

The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal - By  Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz

The Little Book of Talent: 52 Tips for Improving Your Skills - By Daniel Coyle

The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It - By Kelly McGonigal

The 5 Elements of Effective Thinking - By  Edward B. Burger and Michael Starbird

Show Your Work!: 10 Ways to Share Your Creativity and Get Discovered - By Austin Kleon

The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking - By Oliver Burkeman

When Cultures Collide: Leading Across Cultures - By Richard D. Lewis

Fluent Forever: How to Learn Any Language Fast and Never Forget It - By Gabriel Wyner

Mindwise: How We Understand What Others Think, Believe, Feel, and Want - By Nicholas Epley

Smartcuts: How Hackers, Innovators, and Icons Accelerate Success - By Shane Snow

On Writing Well: The Classic Guide to Writing Nonfiction - By William Zinsser

Management of the Absurd - By Richard Farson

Hiring Smart!: How to Predict Winners and Losers in the Incredibly Expensive People-Reading Game By - Pierre Mornell

Drop Dead Healthy: One Man's Humble Quest for Bodily Perfection - By A. J. Jacobs

Cut to the Chase: and 99 Other Rules to Liberate Yourself and Gain Back the Gift of Time - By Stuart R. Levine

How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships - By Leil Lowndes

Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School - By John Medina

The China Study: The Most Comprehensive Study of Nutrition Ever Conducted And the Startling Implications for Diet, Weight Loss, And Long-term Health - By Thomas Campbell and T. Colin Campbell

Lucky Or Smart?: Fifty Pages for the First-Time Entrepreneur - By Bo Peabody

Being Logical: A Guide to Good Thinking - By  D.Q. McInerny

On Writing - By Stephen King

Ready for Anything: 52 Productivity Principles for Getting Things Done - By David Allen

Island - By Aldous Huxley

You, Inc.: The Art of Selling Yourself - By Harry Beckwith and Christine Clifford

Business Stripped Bare: Adventures of a Global Entrepreneur - By Richard Branson

Making Ideas Happen: Overcoming the Obstacles Between Vision and Reality - By Scott Belsky

The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms - By Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success - By Adam M. Grant

Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work - By Chip Heath and Dan Heath

A Mind for Numbers: How to Excel at Math and Science (Even If You Flunked Algebra) - By Barbara Oakley

Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity - By Hugh MacLeod

The Talent Code: Greatness Isn't Born. It's Grown. Here's How. - By Daniel Coyle

#The last 160 and you are Finished