#how dare he experience pleasure or joy? how dare he take away from anybody else??

[br1ghtestlight]

for sunshine even death would be selfish because he would be destroying himself rather than at least allowing himself to be used and disposed of by others. his self-loathing and hatred is so deep and his view of himself so negative that he would rather give somebody else some pleasure by allowing himself to be tortured by them than by dying. suicide was never an option because then he would be nothing for anybody. death isn't an escape it's another harmful choice he's made to deprive others of at least some form of repentance by using his body & resources. a level of self hatred stronger than wanting to destroy yourself. at least this way he's useful for other people, donating his time and money to charity and allowing himself to be abused bcuz that is what he's worth (to himself at least)

#THIS is what i mean when i say sunshine is the most mentally ill character out of my ocs lmao #he's got some twisted self sacrificing logic that isnt really protrayed in mental health info stuff #a deep DEEP level of self hatred and blame. Genuinely depises himself and sees himself as a resource to be used by others #how dare he experience pleasure or joy? how dare he take away from anybody else?? #i dont condone this attitude btw he's...... Not Well #all of my ocs are quite destructive tbh maybe him more than most. im not blaming him for his mental illness but like #dont. do that? if you can avoid that thought process lmfao #there's a level of destruction u cant really come back from and my object ocs are all drawn towards it like soliders marching to war #txt #object ocs #tw suicide mention

[alternatemodalityavatar-blog]

And I would do anything for love...

... totally including that. As mentioned before, That Person. Has been watching the show “Babylon 5″ to which I introduced them. And saw a scene of what looked like... well, how did they write it? “:( I guess this is the result of Londo basically swearing revenge on Refa for killing Adira.“ ... how best to explain. ... when I’m realising that I have to watch what I’m typing, because the eyes keep blurring, because I keep wanting to cry, because I wish I wish I wish I could tell That Person I feel for them like Londo does for Adira. ***** BASICALLY!? ... I'm not sure you get it. I hope you do. I thought you would. I wish to be absolutely sure you absolutely do. This goes beyond hate. This goes beyond revenge. The only reason I wouldn't say this goes beyond human possibility is because a human wrote this. I would be both afraid and glad to know what happened to JMS for him to be able to write this. Londo was ready to do anything for Adira. A N Y T H I N G. Londo cared about himself. Well, a little. Not a lot. Okay, not much at all. Originally, no major problems trying to gamble and drink himself to death. Liked nothing about his life. He cares about Vir a little more. He cared about the Empire more still. More still when instead of being a drunken gambler, he realised he had the power to do something. More accurately he cared more still about the Centauri people, even having a hand in killing an Emperor to save the Centauri people. And remember the Centauri Empire is like the Roman Empire - powerful, then decadent, then rotting from the core; but also even before the Caesars, the Romans had the idea of the Imperial Cult, that their emperors were something akin to divine. For a Centauri citizen to kill an Emperor... Londo was already a drinking, gambling, end-of-his-useful-life joke of an Ambassador to a post nobody cared about; coming from a society where royalty, ego and social status are *paramount*. Listen closely. Just by nothing more than being Adira, just by being there, she made him more. He cared about Adira more than anything else in his life; and he would bend anything he had to Adira, for Adira. Sex? Who cares? Powerful Ambassador, now. Three wives and any number of possible indiscretions in the Zocalo or Down Below, not to mention half the men or women around the Centauri Royal Court. Beauty? Pfah! Every artisan would give a year of their lives to sculpt, make-up, dress and present anyone to parade before the growing, powerful House of Mollari. And yet. In a social status society like the Centauri Republic, he would throw anything away for a lone, nobody-to-miss-her, enslaved, young, owned, nobody dancing girl piece of property Londo simply could have bought and kept. He didn't just take her to bed, use her, dispose of her. His bed, to which he never forced her, never compelled her, never lured her, asked her and she agreed and chose him, was absolutely nothing but one single mere sign of a fraction of what he felt for her. ... ... why did Sebastian let Delenn go from the torture? Because as he demanded, she answered the question "who are you?"? She didn't. Not in words. Neither did Sheridan. He let Sheridan go from his torture because Sheridan was ready to die lost, alone, unsupported, unheralded, unknown in the dark to save Delenn. He let Delenn go because Delenn was ready to die in the dark to save Sheridan. And Lennier. And Minbar and the humans. Because she would give herself to what needed to be done, for another. ... Londo let his own life and his political secrets and his power be risked in order to free Adira. And not just, not simply, merely to free her from servitude to someone else, then take her himself. Once she was free, he let her go. He let her leave. No spies to follow her, no demands, not even a begging on his knees to stay, no promises of the wildest of riches and lives that the brightest of rising stars near the heart of the entire Centauri Empire could give her. She had to take the next ship out, so he didn't even try to stop her. He gave her money for the travel, to support her afterwards; a promise of a place always with him, that he would ever and forever love her, not one other woman, not one other love for Londo ever again not even after she died not even when he became Emperor, not even until the day he died on the throne. He saw her off to the next ship. Not a plea, not a curse, not one hand to stop her, not even to beg her. ... What else would Londo do after Adira was destroyed? ANYTHING EVERYTHING He didn't just have Refa killed. He didn't even kill him with a blade the way he did his old sparring partner (for different reasons, but it proves he has the skill). This is old-school revenge straight from the depths of Satan's own screaming nightmares that should leave anybody lying in bed in the middle of the night so afraid they couldn't ever sleep in a room with a door or a window again. He stripped Refa's defences and left him surrounded by Narn, learning that Refa's guards were in fact Londo's. Londo's message started with knowing that Refa was going to die because dying was going to be the EASY part of all this. And the next thing is that every single support and safety Refa relied on was taken away from him, leaving him completely alone, unarmed, vulnerable, alone, helpless. And there was no escape and the rest of the message was just going to be additional torture. "It is not enough for me to simply kill you, Refa. I could do that at home or here. But through your death on Narn, I will discredit your House and all opposition in the Royal Court." And that last bit isn't just "and I'm going to be in charge, haha". That's not even about Londo's position at all. This isn't even about Londo at all. Yes, Londo is Refa's opposition, but it doesn't matter that it's Londo. It could've been G'Kar, for all Londo cared. It could've been the crawling bug in Londo's quarters, for all Londo cared. Londo probably would've made G'Kar the next Centauri Emperor if that was what it took to make this happen. What matters is that it's Refa's Opposition who has so thoroughly destroyed Refa, shamed his house permanently, removed every last trace of Refa's influence, power, family, official history, legacy; and to seal that fate, it will be Refa's opposite, Refa's Opposition, who will then rule the Centauri Empire afterward. And not even the death of Refa's Opposition, the new Emperor, would ever restore Refa's House to the throne, or even the Court, or even anything other than disgrace forever. In a society where social standing and politics are at least as important as family. That Londo will discredit all his opposition in the Court... is not even that Londo will take pleasure in his new power. He will not even care one whit for the power. He already knows; his future is sealed, twice by prophecy, he is fated, he is _cursed_ to rule the Centauri Republic as Emperor; and he will not find peace, nor joy, for he will stretch out his hand and hear the cries . It has nothing to do with the power. It may sting Refa to know that Londo will rise as Refa's House falls. But it doesn't matter that Londo shall rise. Profit doesn't matter. Influence and power do not matter. What matters is that Refa, Refa's life, power, legacy, history, reputation, family, House, will be worse than nothing; and Londo cares only... that it be done. Just the psychology of it. Running desperately for escape through a stone labyrinth; yet the rock cried out, "no hiding place". Just the biology of it. > His head and face left untouched. Refa's brain would remain beyond the end, feeling every signal from every nerve - every last fear, every last sound, every last red Narn eye, every last snarl, every last scream of rage and hate, every blow, punch, slice, cut, fist, rock, dagger, tearing finger, wrenching grip by a people faced by the monster who killed five million of their families, friends, beloved; humiliated, unhomed, starved, decimated, poisoned, wrecked, experimented on, tortured, enslaved billions more. > And Londo made sure Refa would know; after the end, Refa couldn't even control that his head, his Centauri hair, his face, would be shown, exposed, paraded, mounted on a pike to show everybody who walks past the Palace on Centauri Prime! "Here! Here in this row of disgracers, this row of traitors! Look, children! Those who would dare such as to fall from the Court of the Divine Emperors and be traitor to the heart of all the Republic! Every misfortune to befall the Empire since then comes from his House! Jeer! Hate him, children! Spit on his head! Stone him, young ones! Know that this is the lowest of everything! Not one thing in all of the Empire, all of the Galaxy, not one beggar, not one Narn, not one monster, not one alien, not one creature, not one disease, nothing is lower, more base than Refa! Remember this, children! Tell your children, tell their children! Never let the fate of traitors be forgotten! Never let the evil of Refa be forgotten!" Death becomes nothing. Death becomes barely a relief. This is not decimation. This is not decimation tenfold. This is annihilation. Perpetual torture that not even death will relieve. > Why? Because Refa killed Prime Minister and friend Malachi? ... Londo already had blood of the court and his friend on his hands. Because Refa killed Narns? ... Londo once congratulated Vir for what he thought was Narn-killing. Vir's wife Lindesty was a fine upstanding belle of Centauri society with a lauded skill know offworld in personally killing Narns. Because Refa had endangered the beloved Empire with insane multi-front wars? ... Londo had already dealt with that. He removed Morden. He pre-poisoned Refa to separate Refa and Morden and pull back the armies. It was done. Why had Londo brought a destruction upon Refa worse than anything God brought upon Job or Judas? ... Adira. The woman he loved.