#how am i the chronic depressed ex suicide the most cheerful functional emotionally mature person here

[soldier-poet-king]

not to be like my parents are incapable of being happy because theyre pathologically committed to being miserable people and it’s bringing everyone else down and i desperately need to leave but rent is so expensive and i am on a sweet contract for work rn so i cant leave the city for a more affordable city until i find employment but like. ‘everything a goddamn ordeal in area family’ is 10000% correct and im EXHAUSTED

im TRYING NOT TO BE MISERABLE AND DEPRESSED AND CRANKY DURING THE BLUEST TIME OF THE YEAR. I am working on MYSELF and being cheerful instead of cranky even though i want to scream and i am changing my diet bc im having Tummy Problems and im Going to the Gym for the brain endorphins and like. holy shit i went grocery shopping with my mother and i will NEVER do that again it’s exhausting. she’s SO nitpicky and penny-pinching and i GET that that’s how she was raised and we were poor when i was small but 1) we’re no longer THAT poor 2) IM BUYING MY OWN GOCERIES and the mental hoops to save 50 cents is NOT WORTH IT + im going flexetarian so the amnt of money im saving on meat means i can get nice produce 

3) I WANTED TO GO ALONE but ‘this way we save on gas’ like WOW A WHOLE FIFTY CENTS I WILL JUST PAY FOR IT MYSELF HOLY SHIT. she treats everything (cooking, grocery shopping, LIFE ITSELF) like it’s a chore she just has to get through and like sure, she’s a SAHM cooking for a whole house and i have sympathy for that, but like. MAYBE she wouldnt be so miserable and crabby if she took the opportunity to view these things as smalls joys, or at least opportunities for joy. i LOVE cooking and grocery shopping, yes sometimes im tired. but it’s about an attitude of opportunity and wonder at the smallest things. a whole store full of so many kinds of foods? endless opportunity! all these people going about their lives? the smallest children? yes even that cranky woman yelling into her cellphone? wow look at the miracle of human existence. cooking? im sharing love. like yes it IS trite but it is such a wonderful way to live, and before anyone says ‘oh the joy wears off’ it doesn’t!  not if you work to cultivate it! i spent years on my own and i never got tired of grocery shopping it was a weekly joy! 

and then ofc we got home and my father is being pissy and grumpy and it’s just like. LEAVE ME GODDAMN ALONE. let me cook and exist in peace.

like no wonder these ppl are so unhappy if they take every single neutral (or even positive) experience and find a way to deliberately put a negative spin on it, play the ‘woe is me’ long suffering card, blame it on their spouse, etc etc etc. on purpose on purpose, they are determined to be miserable on purpose and it creates this godawful aura of unhappiness in the whole house

and it’s not even like they can play the mental illness get off free card. im more mentally ill that either of them by a SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT. however i acknowledge it. i seek help. i take meds. i do what i can to help myself get to a baseline functional, and from there i work to cultivate peace in a positive feedback loop bc like cbt and ert do work, at least somewhat, if you actually put the effort in. they refuse to acknowledge that their moods and behaviour is abnormal, they refuse to admit anything is wrong no matter how much i plead, how much EXPLICIT ADVICE i try to give, if they wont even see the problem they for sure arent making attempts to fix it.

i am a fuckin adult and my parents mental health is not my responsibility esp after they keep refusing all my offered aid but like. it is very hard to cultivate joy living with people who are SO DETERMINED to remain miserable after literally a DECADE+ of me trying to fix things

i have to come up with interesting excuses to go grocery shopping and cook at odd hours when i can be LEFT ALONE to do the things that bring me joy

#franposting #family bullshit #i am SO ANNOYED #im once again a teen where leaving my room means i enter the Miasma of Misery #take 10d10 psychic damage if i leave the safe zone of my bedroom #bc everyone is SO MISERABLE HERE #how am i the chronic depressed ex suicide the most cheerful functional emotionally mature person here #IM THE ONLY ONE MAKING ANY EFFORT AT ALL #I JUST WANNA MAKE MY LENTIL STEW AND DANCE AROUND IN THE KITCHEN AND CULTIVATE PEACE #i have so much more to say but im a broken record and becoming unintelligible #im just. WOW. FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS SO BAD #im. so tired of fighting it #but i cant be passive they're emotional vampires #and i am trying SO HARD to manage a little crumb of peace. a refuge for my tired heart in these blue wintry months #but like. oh man i am going to start looking at jobs SUPER FAR AWAY after this contract is uo #do i WANT to go to like. idk. fuckin saskatchewan for work? absolutely not #but I WILL IF IT FREES ME FROM TORONTO #i mean there's def the most jobs in my field in the toronto area #BUT I CANNOT AFFORD TO LIVE HERE ON ENTRY LEVEL PAY #like HOT DAMN rent prices in this city #someone in like. the maritimes. hire me. god that's the dream. or montreal. or mid sized city ontario. #i wanna go out west but BC is way too expensive #and i think i might die on the prairies they make me feel so agoraphobic i need hills and forests #and the territories are TOO COLD and DARK