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tvwriteups · 3 years

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ESC 2021 GF

Opening was okay. Think that's the largest the stage has looked.

Watching on PeacockTV. No commentary. This time I'm watching through my speakers and not through headphones. Not gonna do a rundown since a lot of the songs are familiar.

I did not watch any of the big 5 or the Dutch rehearsal/jury videos so I'll be watching those whole for the first time. (I probably should have watched them. Oops. Too late now!)

I really have no idea who will win. Kind of makes it exciting!

What's a little weird with my setup is how much "sharper" the music sounds on my speakers.

Let the Grand Final of the ESC begin!

1. Cyprus

2. Albania

3. Israel

4. Belgium

What's funny for me here is that the Belgian song is growing on me on this third listen. I like it more each time. (This might actually make my Eurovision AND Hooverphonic playlist!) With the other songs I was... like I didn't feel the level of "excitement" I felt when I watched them earlier this week.

5. Russia

Oh yeah! This is another one I'm liking more on a second viewing. I like her expressiveness. This is never not interesting. And an enthusiastic response there.

6. Malta

Maltese Lizzo. I know this is very popular with the ESC crowd and I get it but it doesn't personally register with me. I think it's the speed. It's like the same fast speed and mostly same level of "noise." Crowd really loooooves it though. Might just be my own autistic sound processing issues.

7. Portugal

I still am impressed with how well-structured this is. I'll probably forget the song next week but when it was being performed I never lost interest.

8. Serbia

They seem so wholesome in their postcard. Hmm, singing doesn't sound as good on my speakers. This is like the first 3 songs for me.

And now a break.

Kind of sucks performing early because it hurts you with the vote but at least you get to sit back easy and watch the rest of the show.

I still feel very conflicted about how to feel about Junior ESC. Lots of pressure to put on children.

Jamala, Emmelie de Forest, Duncan Laurence on where they keep their awards... nope, Nikkie, I'm not gonna check out the live blog. I like the ESC but even I have to draw a line somewhere.

9. United Kingdom

First time watching. I don't understand these British songwriters who perform their own songs and yet... like, it doesn't sound ideally suited to their own voices. It was okay but it's another one I'll forget in a week.

10. Greece

Well, I didn't get to watch this properly the first time so here goes: I don't like the huge reliance on effects but it's BEHIND her so it's completely acceptable to me. I think this would've worked better for me if the dancing was "more [active?]" since it's a fast song about dancing.

The hosts briefly have to tell us something for some reason.

Hmm, apparently a lot of my sound issue is that the rear speakers are coming through louder.

11. Switzerland

This is playing much better for me today than it did the other day. The overall performance is better. I don't like the epilepsy-inducing light though. That's my only complaint. Well done!

12. Iceland

Well, literally the same exact performance we watched the other day but it was fun so... and my viewing experience is slightly different so... Hmm.. what I'm really feeling right now is a song placement thing. We went from intense to chill and that energy change is a bit much for me.

13. Spain

This song does not have a strong hook. I ... can't remember the song and it only just finished.

14. Moldova

I honestly don't think this song would've made it through the first SF. I just don't care for it. I think I spent most of the performance looking at the dancers when that was an option.

15. Germany

This feels like a cross between a Moldovan and a San Marino entry. I dunno, I enjoyed it. I wouldn't watch it again though.

I do also understand that part of watching this as an American is that I don't ever have to feel embarrassment that I'm being represented through any of these performances.

16. Finland

Now that I know that this is like this I'm totally not interested. I'd probably feel very differently if I was in the same space as these guys because it's a SHOW!

And another break. Oh, the broadcaster boxes. I always assume that they're going to harass Graham Norton but they're actually visiting the Danes right now. And the Russians.

Hosts talking about orchestras now.

17. Bulgaria

I remember this postcard from the other day because of the menagerie this girl has. This song is also growing on me. I was confused about the lyrics the other day but now am experiencing them as playful. Feeling the "production" of this one.

18. Lithuania

It's hard for me because I really liked "On Fire." I'm really enjoying this the second time and a really great, entertaining performance. And maybe it's in a better place during the night.

Hosts talking about the app. They're really hammering this whole "clap along" thing (which I haven't found on the app because I'm probably too old to care).

19. Ukraine

This song is a trip. Bangy-est banger of the night. You just never know.

20. France

You know, this comes off as something the juries would love to award. Damn, girl! You know, I wasn't impressed when they showed the short clip at the end of the SF. You really have to watch the whole thing.

21. Azerbaijan

Seems more appropriate to sing about Mata Hari than Cleopatra in the Netherlands when you think about it. It could be because I've already seen this before but I'm still processing France. There's also something about this staging that makes them look small on the stage to me.

22. Norway

I don't know why I find him adorable but I do. This song feels like a hug. (Or it's the "feathers." LOL)

Mini-break about what's upcoming.

23. The Netherlands

I was into it until the last 30 when it got really repetitive but that's still an overall like.

24. Italy

I really can't predict anything. I dig this but we've sort of filled a quota for intensity for the night.

25. Sweden

I'm just kind of like....of course Sweden has the Rijksmuseum postcard. It's like the most recognizable place in all of these postcards. And be near the end of the show. I'll be honest: I'm just predisposed to be against Sweden. Ugh, epilepsy light. I can't even look at the screen. Also, I liked Russia's "A Million Voices" in 2015. I'm guessing this song did not look like this at Melodifestivalen because it's really looking terrible on my tv. This is the worst visual presentation of the night.

26. San Marino

Honestly wondering how well San Marino is gonna finish this year. This felt more awesome the first time. Well, also Flo Rida delightfully surprised me the first time.

And how our hosts telling us about the importance of voting. I have no idea how these are going to pan out. I just know that if I was voting I think I'd throw my votes at Ukraine and France...while feeling bad that I'm not throwing some at Bulgaria, Iceland, Lithuania or Switzerland. (I also liked Russia but I wouldn't vote for them.) I mean, I liked Italy but... I don't know. I think I ran out of energy by then.

Really think it's that Ukraine and France just zapped my energy for energetic songs. The only one I felt after those was the hug of Norway. Or maybe Norway lulled me. LOL.

Would be interested in the televotes for some of these countries.

Recap. Ooof. France doesn't work in short recap clip.

"Music Binds Us"....because we've heard of Afrojack here. I swear every other major city has one of those bridges. I'd otherwise dig this but we've had so much intense music tonight.

I'm guessing we're listening to "Titanium" because Afrojack wrote and produced it.

I'm sitting here wondering if ANYONE is going to vote for the UK at all. Or, really, how many of the Big 5 are going to be in the Bottom 5.

Another recap.

Another Nikkie ESC Tutorial segment. This is actually kind of annoying.

And now a behind-the-scenes montage while the voting numbers are displayed at the bottom.

Catching up with past winners now.

ESC honoring itself again. Enjoying how much they're not overemphasizing the whole "in front of a live audience" stuff like they were doing the other nights.

Another recap.

Oddly, I think Moldova annoys me the most. It feels like the emptiest song in the final.

How quickly are they going to burn through the votes. It's already feeling like this show is long.

65th anniversary stuff. Rock the Roof. Måns again. I don't like this song. I think 2015 was a great overall year (even if I was able to predict the top 10 (except for Latvia) but I still listen to a lot of songs from that year... just not "Heroes." I resent that I have to hear it every year now.

Teach-In....because Dutch and because we need a song with 'Ding" and "Dong" in it.

SANDRA KIM!!!!!!!! Forever the youngest winner of this contest.

Lenny Kuhr.

Helena Paparizou. LOL, totally sticking to the choreo.

Lordi. Probably had to choose their roof first to get the permission to shoot the pyro off it.

So are they saving Duncan Laurence for when they calculate the votes? It feels like the voting window has been open forever now. I keep looking for a countdown clock.

This sounds like a way of saying Duncan Laurence has tested positive for COVID without saying that he tested positive for COVID.

Are they emphasizing that the Netherlands is below sea level?

New song... I'll take anything as long as it's not "Nana Banana."

The voting still isn't closed!

Oh, they have a special countdown dance is why. How very Paparizou of them.

Oh, that weird part where they banter with the delegations.

Malta. Just Malta?

Martin Österdahl. Because Swedes. Jury time. I forgot that revealing votes this way eliminates the performances during the vote calculation. They calculate the televote during the jury stuff.

Jury Votes

Israel, the least popular child in the room right now gives their 12 points to Switzerland.

Poland goes to San Marino.

San Marino goes to France.

Albania to Switzerland.

Malta to Albania.

These are going all over the place. But then it's juries.

Estonia's 12 to Switzerland.

Switzerland and France popular with juries so far.

North Macedonia to Serbia.

Recap. Switzerland, France and Italy in the Top 3.

Els and Nikki or however you spell their names. Azerbaijan throws their points at Russia of course.

Norway to....Malta.

Spain to France.

Austria to Iceland.

Ooof, UK, Spain and Norway totally blanked right now.

The UK....with Amanda Holden...and 12 points for France.

Italy gives its 12 points to Lithuania. No points for Switzerland from them!

Now it's just the UK blank.

Slovenia to Italy.

Juries don't like Ukraine. :-(

Greece...making us try not to boo by having a child tell us that the points are going to Cyprus.

Latvia with Aminata of course. 12 points go to Switzerland.

Ireland to France.

Moldova epic saxing us. Epic saxing Bulgaria too.

Serbia to France.

Bulgaria to Moldova. Ugh.

Cyprus ...should've used a child. Even the crowd is all "Greece, duh."

Belgium to Switzerland. It's almost like they have something against France, LOL.

Banter with Switzerland. Banter with France. No cringe. Practically no cringe in these interviews. They're adorable.

On a side note, my HVAC is dying on a 90 degree day.

Germany to France.

UK still sitting on a jury egg.

Australia to Malta.

Finland to Switzerland.

Portugal to Bulgaria.

Ukraine to Italy. Love the 0 points to Russia there.

Iceland. LOL. LOL. LOL. Of course a "Jaja Ding Dong" reference. Switzerland for them.

Romania to Malta.

Without televotes this stuff is almost meaningless. I can't imagine France getting the televotes.

Croatia to Italy.

Czech Republic to...like who would they.. oh Portugal. Of course. LOL.

Georgia to Italy.

Lithuania to Ukraine.

Denmark to Switzerland.

Top 5: Switzerland, France, Malta, Italy and Iceland.

"A Million Voices" Polina telling us Russia is giving their points to Moldova. Lots of side-eye from me.

France can't give points to themself so.... Greece. I... I... don't know.

Sweden with Carola. OMG Carola....why so much talking? Did she take something? Or drink something? She's on something. Gives their points to Malta.

Switzerland gives point to France. Most anticlimatic points reveal.

The Netherlands gives its points to France.

UK with ZERO points from juries.

Switzerland, France, Malta, Italy, Iceland.

We don't see the jury performances so...like... I dunno.

Gonna waste time in the Green Room again before the televote reveal. Talking with Switzerland... meaning that Gjon gets to replace John Lundvik as the face of losing if they don't get enough votes.

TELEVOTE TIME!

I hope this goes fast. And they're revealing these in the order of jury votes, least to most. So maybe a different face of losing.

UK with 0 points. OUCH! And they didn't genocide anyone this year! James Newman being a sport.

Germany with 0 points.

Spain with 0 points.

Netherlands with 0 points.

LMAO. I don't think I've ever seen this.

Norway with 60 points.

Serbia with 82 points.

Albania with 35 points.

Azerbaijan with 33 points.

San Marino with 13 points...even with Flo Rida!!!

Sweden with 63 points?

Cyprus with 44 points.

Moldova with 62 points.

Lithuania with 165 points!!!

Belgium with 3 points. Hooverphonic with only 3 points. Better than zero. But totally a jury thing their SF result was.

20 points to Israel.

Finland with 218. Shocker that. For me. Not the public, of course. Now in first.

Greece with 79 points.

Ukraine with 267. Into the lead.

Russia with 100 points.

Portugal with 27.

Bulgaria with 30 points.

Iceland with 180 points...and in 1st.

Italy with 318 points.

Malta with 47 points.

France with 251 points. Into 2nd.

Switzerland with 160 points.

Winner is Italy. So Switzerland is the new face of losing.

Televote alone it's Italy, Ukraine, France, Finland, Iceland, Lithuania, Switzerland, and Russia with 100 or more points. Serbia and Greece rounding out the top 10 in televote.

Surprised and delighted that the public gave all those votes to France. I was not expecting that at all.

In the breakdowns I really would like to see if their are any public correlations between folks who votes Italy/Finland or France/Switzerland.

#tvw watches the esc

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j-exclamationmark-l · 4 years

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I'm so frustrated.

I thought my days of being stalked were over. I'm approaching the end of my 20s, I dress mostly in men's clothing nowadays, I'm confrontational and cruel and have erased any softness from my personality.

How many stalkers have I had now? There was the asshole in college who assaulted me, when everyone told me it was my fault for "playing hard to get." I should have reported him. My biggest regret in life is not reporting him to the police. I was in my own dorm, minding my own business. No matter what I was wearing, I wasn't asking for it because I never thought it would happen. Fuck everyone who told me I deserved it. Fuck everyone who told me not to go to the police.

There was that asshole's friend, the one who first stalked me on facebook. I'd block him and he'd create a new profile to harass me, telling me he was suicidal and he dropped out of college because of me (because I didn't ask him out? God knows he didn't even ask me). He told me his therapist thought I was a monster for shoving everyone away - not that it matters, he's human scum, but i pushed everyone away after i was assaulted by the first asshole. I had pages of accounts by him that I'd blocked.

Then there was the old man. I think I've talked about him here before. He was so fucking creepy. He moved into the apartment above mine, and no one was willing to help, not the police, not Leopalace, the company that owned the apartment.

I fell in love, once. I'm ace (possibly aro?), I've never had a proper family, and I'm rarely shown kindness, so it was hard for me to recognize. It took me a long time to figure out. Years. He was my best friend. He disappeared, almost two years ago now. I still dream of him. My subconscious just can't let him go.

I began asking around. Have you seen him, have you heard from him. My close group of friends (our close group of friends) had no idea where he went. He told me once we were his best friends - a huge relief, I didn't want my feelings of "best friend" to be one-sided. He always took such good care of me. But still, no one had heard from him. Our messages weren't even marked as "read."

So I became desperate. I know if he wants to be left alone, that's his business, but I dream about him all the time, and I worry. What if he needs us? I know I had a tendency to be cold, what if he mistook my coldness as genuinely not caring about him? I remember the time we got curry together, just the two of us, and they brought out our rice in heart shapes and I was so embarrassed that I began smashing it. It wasn't him. I didn't hate him. I'm just allergic to emotion.

So I rebooted facebook and began messaging anyone I could think of, just to see if he was still alive. I get that if this was someone I met yesterday, it's okay to ghost them, but not someone you've known for nearly eight years. I had no idea he was unhappy with us. I wanted to know why. I know he doesn't owe me closure but I crave it. I just wanted to know that he's still alive. If at all possible, I'd have liked to know what I did to upset him. But I know he doesn't owe me that.

It's like taking out a spirit board. I was so desperate for closure that I was willing to summon the devil (in this case, the devil being facebook).

What answered me was not anything I meant to summon. An acquaintance from high school, not even a friend, not anyone who knew my missing friend, not anyone I reached out to, not even someone on my official friends list on facebook.

I thought telling him I was in Japan would deter him. I'm sorry if this is sexist, but I know there's only one reason for someone like him to contact me. I experienced hell in America. I'm not prepared to move back there for this idiot. I only answered once every other day, never twice in the same day.

So he began calling me. I didn't know that was possible on the hellsite that is Facebook. He woke me up, he called me while I was at work.

Why? We weren't even friends!

I tried to feel out if he was depressed or needed help - even that, I know, is too much, because we're not friends and that's not my job. I'm sick of people telling me about their suicidal thoughts. I'm sick of having to be others' crutch to lean on. But he just kept asking mundane questions and making stupid remarks about the job that I've honestly grown to love (especially now that that bitch Kristie is gone).

Maybe he did need help. I did hear one source of confirmation from all the friends I consulted, that calling someone like me (a stranger in another country) isn't normal. I still can't get over the audacity he had.

So I had to burn my spirit board (delete my facebook for the final time). I just… I still can't get over it. In America, no one valued me. I was never considered pretty, just "Asian." I would have killed to know anyone considered me pretty back then. To my teachers, I didn't even have a name. Except for my Korean AP English teacher, everyone just called me "the Chinese kid." Only one teacher knew my name, and I messaged her last year to say thank you. No one even cares to know how I'm doing. They just take and take and take and chip away at my sanity.

Now I don't care about "pretty" or "not pretty." Even if people consider me attractive, it only leads to trouble. Even over New Year, I had issues with a friend who couldn't grasp that I'm just not interested in sex. Saying "it doesn't have to mean anything" doesn't even make it better, it makes it worse.

Maybe I'm being hypocritical, wanting to be cared about yet pushing everyone away. But this last contact, I don't even feel cared about. There's no way he actually cared about me, he never knew me. Waking me up with goddamn phone calls is unacceptable.

Maybe I'm being hypocritical, because I think about my friend who disappeared every goddamn day.

Went out drinking Thursday with friends. Finally had the guts to ask a mundane question about him, a question that doesn't change anything ("the last time you heard from him, which account was it from? The one with his name or the one he named after me?" "The one he named after you."), and immediately vomited afterward. I could still feel the acid in my throat Friday, burning my esophagus and my nose. I couldn't sing at all yesterday.

I went home and cried. Nothing new happened so it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Why - how can so many people harass me and try to contact me, yet the one I want is, for all intents and purposes, dead?

I mean, hes not dead.

I know where he is. I know that he is still alive. But somehow it's less painful to imagine him as dead.

I've had a headache all day today and skipped out on orchestra rehearsal. I've taken handfuls of ibuprofen but my headache won't go away. I've drunk cup after cup of tea (both caffeine and non-caffeine type), had lots of water, and it still won't go away. My vision is blurry and my head is pounding. I actually passed out at my desk earlier, in too much pain to even make it to my bed, which touches my desk.

Maybe I'm just sick.

#stalker #being stalked #stalkers

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symphonyinsea · 6 years

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It’s been a while since I last posted here, and for good reason. Musical took up most of my free time over the last couple of months, and then we had four fantastic shows - so many people have told us it was the best show in years. That was two weeks ago now. I’m only just about coming out from the post-show blues - it was worst the week after when I still had some medicine to do, but now I’ve had a week off uni (plus a spontaneous adventure on a Scottish island), I’ve been able to process all that’s happened.

My last long post was after weekend away in February. Since then, the intensity ramped up significantly. As well as having all-day rehearsals every Sunday, we had more arranging to do (I had to learn how to write drum and guitar parts, as well as doing scene-change music), as well as band rehearsals starting on top of everything else. It was hectic and stressful for a while, but it was honestly so, so worth it. We managed to make a great show, and we definitely pulled off what we were trying to achieve.

One of the most special moments was collaborating on the overture with MD. We decided to use music from the film of our show rather than a classic overture which would spoil all our tunes. I wrote the first part, which was a ‘straighter’, more classical version, and MD wrote the second part which was a jazz version of the same themes. It was a lot of work, but incredibly satisfying when it came together. We’re both so proud of it - it was a true collaboration and each of us had creative input into the other’s work: he gave me advice about the style of my parts while I helped him with the strings and some harmonies in his part. I’ll always cherish that score, with both our names side by side as the composers/arrangers.

MD and I got really close over the past few weeks. In the run-up to the show, we were seeing each other 3-4 times per week, and then every day in the last two weeks. We relied on each other, and we made such a brilliant team. I feel truly lucky to have worked with him. It’s rare that a creative partnership works so well - none of the previous MD teams in the time since we’ve been here has functioned quite as well as we did. Our strengths and weaknesses balance each other out, and we’re able to communicate so well, and give and receive constructive criticism and encouragement in a way the other person can hear. It’s been pretty special.

And, musically, we complemented each other so well. With him coming from a jazz background and me from a more classical one, we managed to get a great balance of tunes in the show: he was great at writing the jazzy tunes, and I made a decent effort at the more musical-y ones and the bits of film music we used for scene changes. We can confidently say that all instruments had their chance to shine and play interesting parts. Plus, with our contacts from both jazz and classical circles, we managed to assemble an epic set of people for our band. All our brass and rhythm played in the uni jazz band, and most of our string players played in the uni orchestras. We sounded so freaking good.

I know I mostly talk about music here (because that’s where I was involved), but I’ve got to give full credit to our directors, choreographers, writers, editors, stage managers, tech managers, producers, set design, and amazing cast for all their work. It was truly a team effort, and everyone brought their best to the project. I am so in awe of how talented my year is. Just the fact that we have so many strong singers - we had a great ensemble cast - blows my mind, and I don’t think there’s been a year while I’ve been here with so many great voices. Our script was also spot on and hilarious - our editors were ruthless, and it meant that each scene was paced right, and each joke landed. Our plot actually made sense. And, the dances were incredible. MD and I worked closest with the choreographers during rehearsals, and we saw how much effort they put into teaching and drilling chorus with their moves. But it looked so professional and fun by the end - hats off to them.

And now we have to return to real life. My next rotation is Urology. But we have a screening of the show next week to look forward to, at least. I think the thing I’ll miss most is regularly seeing all these wonderful people from my year, who I wouldn’t necessarily interact with otherwise. The musical really brought us all together.

As for MD and I, it’s been interesting, and I’m not quite sure what to think at this stage. We’ve built up a lot of mutual trust and respect over the past few weeks and months. He’s more open and vulnerable with me than he used to be, and I feel safe being myself with him. He encouraged and complimented my work regularly, and said how much he admired and appreciated me. I was able to be his rock and provide the support he needed over the last few weeks, picking up his slack and letting him do his thing. So, there’s definitely a deep friendship there and I hope that, at least, continues.

Is there anything more? It’s so hard to tell. There are certain things he’s said and done which gave me hope, but still nothing is concrete - he hasn’t explicitly asked me out yet.

- We’ve had lots of coffee together, and often had lunch together during rehearsals. Sometimes he would ask me to join him, sometimes I would ask him. Sometimes he would pay for me when I didn’t have cash and sometimes I paid for him (although he was always a bit uncomfortable with that, and said he would pay me back).

- One time when we went to get lunch together, a friend invited himself along. He had bought food at a different place, and so when MD and I went to pay, when the cashier asked if it was together or separately and I said separately, the other friend said ‘Oooh, is this the first date or second date?’ jokingly - and MD said ‘more like 500′.

- He always checked my opinion about things, whether it was on his song arrangements, or his conducting, or how best to plan rehearsals. Even during the shows, he would sometimes look at me to confirm that we weren’t supposed to play that song yet, or if he was going too slow etc. During the intervals, he would ask me for my comments on how it was going, or if there was anything he could do better.

- On the second night, his parents were there, and his mum came up to me and told me well done for all my work - when he saw me talking to his mother, he introduced me to both his mum and dad, saying that I wrote more of the music than he did, and anything beautiful/technically difficult was written by me.

- He started hugging me a lot. In all our time working together, the only time he hugged me was after he was on a high from his final jazz concert of the year. But, from the second show night onwards, he’s hugged me every time I saw him. Most of those were understandable in context - after our fabulous second show, after hugging his other (guy) friend to say goodbye when he was leaving, after the last show, after get-out when our time as an MD team had ended. But our final hug is what makes me feel like something changed - it was just after a casual lunch (I’ll elaborate later) and it was on a street corner where we had parted ways many times previously without hugging. Although maybe it was because we wouldn’t see each other for a couple weeks. But still - I had more hugs from him in the last week or so than in the entire previous year.

- One of my best friends (the only one who knows I like him) saw us interact together after the third show and texted me later ‘He definitely likes you! I can tell’.

- He always introduces me by my name and ‘position’, as in this is [symphony] who co-MD’d the musical. He’s never explicitly referred to me as just his ‘friend’. I think that’s a good thing?

- But perhaps the thing that gives me the most hope/is the most confusing is the gift he gave me on the last night. For context, my instrument case has slowly been falling apart over the last few months, but I didn’t have time to replace it. Now, at the final show, we were in a bit of a rush to get ready because we had a band meal beforehand. I went to get changed after warm-up and when I got back, my case had disappeared - one of the band members said MD had put it away backstage. Bit strange, because cases usually went in the cupboard under the seats in the auditorium, but I didn’t think too much of it. At the end of the final show, I had to put my instrument away. After saying bye to my family who had come, I went to find MD and asked where he had put my case. He said he would take me there. It took a while because we both kept being waylaid by cast/friends who wanted to say congratulations and how much they had enjoyed the show. All the while I was awkwardly holding my instrument, but praise is always nice and we were all on such a high so it was okay. Eventually MD and I reached the place where my case was. It was on some chairs, and I was about to grab it and put my instrument in, when he stopped me. Then, he reached under the chairs and pulled out a brand new case, much nicer than my old one. He told me, ‘someone as good as you shouldn’t have to carry that old thing’. I didn’t know how to react, and there was this odd look in his eyes. He was so serious, and it felt like a goodbye. I thought it was over at that point. I shoved down the feels for a while, and took the cases downstairs, but when I was putting my instrument away, I just had waves of emotion coming over me, thinking, ‘it’s over, it’s really over’. My feelings about the musical and MD were so intermingled, and I was overwhelmed. Some people from the cast/crew spotted me, and I told them that MD had just given me a new case. I don’t think they quite understood what it meant - they said he was very kind, but I deserved it after all the work I’d put in. But I was still processing it. I opened the case and it was so beautiful inside - I was still staring at it in a state of shock when MD returned. He asked if I liked it, and I said yeah, it was so much better than my old one. He could see the look on my face, and said ‘Come here...’ - I rather unceremoniously dumped the case on the ground and stood up, and he gave me a big hug. It just felt so final. From the way he was looking at me, he seemed to feel the same. I sat back down, slowly putting my instrument away, still overwhelmed, and he left me alone, to go talk to his family, and so I could gather myself. Later, I looked up the cost of the case, to see if I could get him a present (I hadn’t got him anything, to my embarrassment - it just didn’t cross my mind, with everything else going on). The case cost him £60, and this from a guy who chooses the cheaper lunch to save money. It is the most expensive present anyone who’s not family has ever given me. And, it was so thoughtful - it’s exactly what I needed, and so practical - he knows what I would appreciate. And now every time I play my violin it will remind me of him.

But, it did feel so final. It felt like a goodbye. Even at the afterparty, we didn’t spend much time talking one-on-one. There was sadness in his eyes when he looked at me, whenever we were on the brink of talking, but there were so many other people there, and music for dancing, and a mood of celebration with everyone else. Plus, his ex was there. And, one of the choreos who had a crush on him was always there when I was near him, so I didn’t get a chance to say much. But it did feel like he was more closed off than previously. I saw him glance at me a few times while I was dancing and he was talking to his best female friend (who’s good friends with his ex, so nothing can happen there). He looked kinda sad, and she was comforting him. But still, when I left the afterparty at 6am, it was with a heavy heart, feeling like it was over - both the musical, and my hopes with MD.

At get-out the next day, I tried to stay light. I was with my other friends - MD didn’t arrive until fairly late. When he did arrive, we finally got a chance to chat, briefly. We divided the scores - he had printed 2 copies of the overture we had collaborated on, then we each took the songs we had arranged. We had a little time to reflect on our time as the MD team, but his friends arrived too soon and it was over. He helped me put some of the lighting equipment into my car. There were a lot of emotions bubbling under the surface. But, his friends were there, so we couldn’t be as open as we had been. Finally, it was time to say goodbye. His best friend was standing by us at the time - we had a quick hug, and his friend commented that goodbyes were always a bit underwhelming. We were both feeling down and weary - I could see the sadness in his eyes again. But we were already a bit distant. I got into my car and left.

That evening, I had serious post-show blues, and I spent about an hour bed, crying. Emotional messages were flooding my phone from the production/rehearsal team and cast. I contributed one of my own. Eventually, I got up, and decided to give MD a proper thanks and goodbye, if only to give myself some closure. I sent him a very long message, saying how much I enjoyed working with him, how great a job we had done, how much fun I’d had, how great a team we were, and how much I’d miss it, and him specifically. He replied later that night, saying he agreed, and he didn’t know how to express how much he admired and appreciated me, commenting on my musicianship, commitment and enthusiasm. But it still felt weirdly formal. The one thing which kept a spark of hope for me was the last line - he said that we should make sure to keep in touch, beyond the screening and rehearsal team reunion dinner - he said we both liked coffee and talking about music so we should do that too. I still don’t quite know what to make of that. He clearly still wants to stay friends, at least, beyond the friendships formed with the other people on the team, which is something.

But he was about to leave to stay with his family, and then on a holiday abroad for a week, so I didn’t expect to see him for almost 3 weeks - a big shift from seeing each other almost every day previously. I was prepared to shut myself down again. Back at class with other people from the show, we all reminisced about how great it was, all processing together. When my friend asked ‘There wasn’t anything between you and MD, was there?’, I replied, ‘I don’t think so...’, and he said ‘...Just ‘cause you spent a lot of time together’. I think I was honest at the moment. There was what I was hoping, but also what I feared I was projecting. I’ve always been wrong about this sort of stuff in the past, so it’s safer for me to always assume there’s nothing there. But I couldn’t help but hold onto a tiny shred of hope. There was a photo of us as the MD team uploaded to Facebook, and it got more likes than any of the other photos of MD with other people, and it felt as though it validated who MD and I were with each other - someone commented ‘#dreamteam’. And that we certainly were. We always have that. And we’ll aways have those memories. Even if nothing more comes of it.

But.

But. On Friday, the last day before the holidays, MD put up a post saying that he was in the library for people to collect band shirts, if they were around. He had returned from his few days at home, and was in town just for the day before heading off on his holiday. Now, I happened to be on placement 5 minutes walk from the library, and it was on the way to my bus stop. We finished before lunch, and I found myself walking to the library. I needed an excuse to go in - then suddenly I remembered, of course, I need holiday reading! That’s something I had not done for a while because of musical - just reading books for fun. So I decided to grab some books, and it also gave me an excuse to go into the library. I gathered the courage (after 15 minutes of arguing with myself) to ask if he was still there, and he replied and said which floor he was on. So, I went and found him, and asked him if he wanted to come for lunch. I was weirdly nervous, and fumbled my words a bit, but he was gracious enough to let me recover my pride and explain my excuse for why I was in the library. Once we were outside, he asked where I wanted to go, and I realised I hadn’t thought that far ahead. But he was quick to suggest a place, and I let him take it from there.

And the funny thing is, we were so chill. After the first couple minutes, I relaxed. Conversation flowed easily between us, and he spoke openly to me again. He spoke about the work he was doing, about his relaxing time back home, and about what he wanted to do musically in the future. We did indeed have that music chat. (Now all we need is coffee...). And we barely even spoke about the musical. It did inevitably come up, but I think both of us were still a bit raw. But it was a relief that we still had stuff to talk about even when we weren’t talking about the musical. We spent about 45 minutes together, and it was relaxed. It settled my heart again. We felt open with each other again, which was what I was most worried about - in the past, people have cut me off suddenly. I was worried that once we didn’t have musical in common, our friendship/whatever this is would dissolve. But now, it looks like it won’t have to. I guess we’ll see, and that lunch replenished my hope. I could feel the undercurrent of caring had returned - we are two people who’ve gone through a lot together and built something great, and that’s a bond that’s not easily broken, wherever this thing goes. And I could feel that had returned. Perhaps it was the time he had spent at home, or perhaps he had made a decision about where he wants us to go, but whatever it is, we felt more settled. The sadness in his eyes had gone.

So, when we parted for a final time before the holiday week, it was with a sense of hope and new beginnings. We wished each other a good break, and knew we would see each other in 2 weeks. It didn’t have the sense of finality and loss of our last departure. It was more ‘til we meet again. There was a moment when we looked at each other before parting, unsure whether to hug, but then he stepped closer and went for it. Seems like we’re huggers now. Which I’m fine with. I hug like I mean it.

And then we parted.

And he looked back over his shoulder as he was walking away. He smiled at me, and I waved at him. It’s funny how the smallest of things keep the candle of hope burning.

I’ll see if he follows through on that coffee.

I hope he does.

#personal #musical #MD #love #friends #relationships #hope

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