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veilchenjaeger · 2 years

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I want to whine a little about the available wlw material. Why ist all so sickenlingly cute, sweet and hyperfeminine? I don't mind that it exists, but I want more options please. It's like going clothes shopping and once again being depressed that the only available colours are all pastels. Why do I have to wait for seasons until jewel tones are in again while thirty different shades of pink are always in stock. On that note, if anyone has recs more in the vein of the locked tomb etc, please giv

Cont. from the pastels ask, because the wordlimit in asks is my personal enemy. I just want my women deranged, dangerous and depraved. Honestly one of the reasons that I love genderswaps so much is that I want the same stories I love so much in fantasy/ scifi but with women. (Also probably because I want characterisation for women that is less in the hyperfeminine/tomboy divide). Recs please? I already read Priory of the Orange Tree. Messing with gender is a plus. Also warcrimes, swords an magic

GODS MOOD. I feel you so much on the genderswap thing, I don't think I'd be this into them if there were just more stories with character dynamics I love where the characters are already women. I want complex female characters who live through awesome space operas, who are allowed to be weak and nasty and fuck up, who are fully fledged people with everything that implies, who might fit into boxes coincidentally but aren't created to fit into them. Sadly, the easiest way to find that is by making some already beloved Blorbos into women sometimes.

Re.: the kind of wlw content available, I both have the same and the opposite problem. I also want deranged women who commit war crimes, which is so fucking rare, but I'm also femme4femme and... I feel like I often have the choice between fluffy pastel Soft Lesbians without depth or interesting stories on the one hand, and awesome stories with deranged women but without any characters I can truly relate to or am attracted to on the other hand. Like, part of that is probably me being unable to read or watch a lot of new things bc I'm burnt out to hell and back, but both wlw-focused fandom and the (few!) good wlw genre stories I've heard of or read seem to emphasise masculinity. (Either bc the main character is super attracted to "traditionally masculine" attributes of another female character or bc the main character herself is masc.) That's great bc butches and masc wlw get so little representation, but... I personally would like to see some fucked up femmes. Please. (Just like I'm bored of mainstream fashion a lot bc it's not pink and frilly enough!)

I think it boils down to there just not being enough wlw stuff of any kind, period, especially wlw stuff with interesting and dark stories.

Anyways, due to aforementioned burn-out, I don't have a lot of recs and you probably already know most of them, but!

PLEASE watch Couple of Mirrors. The whole thing is on YouTube. It's about a famous writer in Republican Era Shanghai, who gets dragged into a bunch of murder cases and involved with a retired assassin who's mostly failing to adjust to normal life. I'm very slowly making my way through this show and I love every second I manage to watch.

You've also probably heard of Please Don't Laugh's novels, but if you haven't, they have deranged women and gender fuckery. I have yet to read them, but I have it on good authority that they're awesome. Carrds for them are here and here.

Also, it's neither SciFi nor fantasy, but A League of Their Own (the show about a women's baseball team currently on Am*z*n Pr*me) is supposed to be really good and has several butch characters.

If anyone has more, I'd also love to put stuff on my endless To Consume list!

#[epistulae ad atticum]#girls night girls night girls night #/like! luo binghe would be the most fucked up of femmes and that's also part of the reason i love wlw bingqiu!#/additional thought: i would kill for stories that portray femininity as attractive from a perspective that isn't the male gaze.#/attractive as in sexy and desirable. not ethereally pretty and pure.

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servin-up-surveys · 1 year

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survey #111

(taken february 6th; uploading surveys taken while gone)

If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it? I tried alcohol the first time because Mom offered me something she correctly assumed I'd like the taste of. I was either a pre-teen or young teenager. I've never tried any other sort of drug.

If you were far from home and needed to sleep for the night, would you choose to rent a crappy motel room for $60 or sleep in your car for free? I'm staying in the car. Probably. I'd be kinda hesitant to if I was all alone.

How long until your next birthday? My birthday was literally yesterday, so a very long time.

When did you last consume something that had peanut butter? A couple days back in a piece of chocolate.

What’s the last song you heard? A slowed/reverbed version of "Teeth" by 5SOS.

When you say you love someone, do you mean it? Fuck yes I do.

Have you held hands with anyone lately? A lot with Girt 'cuz he spent the weekend with me and we hold hands a lot on the couch and even when we sleep.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? Yes; I don't see my dad a lot, but he's still in my life and reminds me all the time that if I need something, tell him.

Do you have drama in your life? Not really.

Do you actually think it’s gross to talk about body functions? No; they're universally shared experiences and I think it's honestly dangerous to make talking about "gross" stuff seem like, taboo almost. Now yes, there are INSTANCES where it's not appropriate, but is it gross/wrong to do in general? Absolutely not. I probably sound kinda hypocritical cuz I REALLY don't like talking about sex as it pertains to me, but that is JUST for me. It's not because I think it's gross and stuff, it's just private. I couldn't care less if other people talk about their sex lives though.

Would you rather sleep alone or next to your SO? Next to Girt.

Have you ever sent a love letter? Pretty much, yeah.

Have you dated someone of another race? Yes. 100% pro interracial relationships so it was never an issue I held with Juan; it was other, personality-related things that had no correlation to his race that were problematic.

What’s the best compliment you’ve gotten from a boss/teacher? I'm honestly not sure, but in total modesty and honesty I definitely got a lot of very high praises because I was just a good student.

What’s a weird or interesting nickname you gave someone? Uhhhh let's see... I'm actually not sure...? I'm sure there's SOMETHING, especially from childhood, but I'm blanking atm.

Is there a phrase or mantra you repeat when you are frightened? In my head, anyway. Sometimes I will focus very heavily on the ideology - not necessarily quote, it varies - that I can and WILL get through whatever is going on. Back in the day I was an "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" person (I distinctly remember chanting this once when I had to take a freezing cold shower 😭), but it's since fallen in line with the remix of "I can do all things through me who strengthens me," something I very sincerely believe in and HEAVILY encourage people to remember with themselves, too.

What are you most envious of? Mentally well and rich people. People who are financially set for the rest of their fucking lives by simply existing.

Do you have a friend with a habit that worries you? Girt is very convinced he needs to lose a bit more weight when he ABSOLUTELY does not, and he can get defensive about it if you try to discourage him from this goal. I know he has self-confidence/image issues, and I hate it for him so much.

When you walk into your best friend’s room, what do you smell? I still haven't seen Girt's room. 🙃

Have you ever purposely broken something that belonged to a sibling? I have zero memory of ever doing that and it absolutely does not sound like something I would've even considered doing.

Do you like to visit famous people’s homes? Bitch there ain't no famous people 'round here lmfao

Has anyone ever baked you cookies? I mean, my mother, haha.

What’s the lamest present you’ve ever given? I don't know. I'm told by pretty much anyone I've ever given a gift to that I give super thoughtful gifts and I definitely try to do so. I cannot fucking wait until I have a source of income so I can more regularly give my loved ones gifts...

If your SO agreed, would you want an open relationship? Absolutely not. We're either having a loyal, monogamous relationship or we're not having anything at all.

Have you ever slept with three people in the same bed? When? Why? I can just about promise I have as a kid at sleepovers and stuff.

Who would you like to slow dance with? To what song? Hehe Girt. There's a great array of songs that I would slowdance to with him.

What’s your favorite pet name someone calls you? Girt most regularly calls me "hunny" and I think it's really cute.

If you could talk to one species of animal what would it be? Oh my god, THAT is impossibly hard. I'm sure every animal would value and focus on different things, so I'd really have to think on this, I really would. I will say it'd be VERY cool to see with absolutely certainty JUST how alike we are at heart to apes by conversing with one.

What’s the largest animal you’ve ever seen in person? An orca at SeaWorld (would never go again; I was a young child).

Would you give mouth to mouth to your dog to save its life? I sure would, if I knew how to do it properly.

If you came with a warning label, what would it say? "I'm going to be awkward and uncomfortable and I'm so sorry" or something like that lmfao

Did you ever show up late for an important event? Not to my recollection.

What was the last strong scent you smelled? HA Girt's feet yesterday.

What was the last thing you took a picture of? The flowers Girt got me for my birthday.

How did you discover your favorite band? Ozzy: heard his music growing up thanks to my parents. Rammstein: I knew OF them somehow in high school, I can't remember the precise origin, and then I heard my first song by them via a Guitar Hero game.

Does the weather affect your mood? If so, in what ways? Yes; I am considerably more likely to at least feel EVER so slightly more "down" if it's super cloudy and/or rainy. I used to LIVE for dark and gloomy conditions, including lighting in my own house, but I realized years ago that I very much benefit from being in brighter settings. Hot and/or humid weather also has a notable effect on me, that being that I become fucking miserable and irritable if I have to be in it.

When are you most likely to be bored? Eh, maybe like, late afternoon/early evening. That's not always the case, though.

What was the last big decision you made? This isn't gonna SOUND like a big decision, but it was to me: I finally added Girt's sister on Facebook. He was recently tagged in a picture with me so Ashley saw it and commented, and I felt like now that her Facebook presence was directly in my face (I already knew she had one, but you get it), it'd look rude to NOT reach out. And don't get me wrong, I've wanted to, I LOVE Ashley a whole lot, I've just been nervous from the start that she and ESPECIALLY their mother would come to hate me via Facebook because I am very open about what I believe in and support, and like her mother, Ashley is religious (though not to the extreme extent of Shelia, it looks like), and I just don't want to start shit when I inevitably share some anti-religion meme or something. I really, really want his family to continue loving me, but I'm also not about to pretend I'm someone I'm not on my own goddamn social media account. Guess we'll just see how everything goes.

Where was the last place you traveled to, and what did you do while there? Uh I guess Lake Gaston in Virginia; I want to say the last time Mom and I drove up there it was either for Aubree's birthday party, or... something else? I don't remember. Maybe Nick and Ashley's anniversary (they got married there).

What is one of your wildest dreams or ambitions? To be a very successful nature/wildlife/landscape photographer, maybe have something published in National Geographic.

What was the subject of your last phone conversation? Dad called on my birthday just checking up on things.

Name five things you can grab from where you’re sitting. A cup, my phone, my planner, the squishmallow Christmas fox Girt randomly got me, and my purse.

So, are you looking forward to being out on your own? (And if you’re already out on your own, how do you like it?) I never want to live purely on my own, but I honestly am very ready for Girt and I to have a place together. I'm gonna be VERY nervous to leave Mom, but I have to one of these days, and when Mom was in Tennessee and it WAS just us two, I fucking loved it. I went full stereotypical wife mode and actually felt useful. I know I was more productive and just acting more like an adult, at least slightly.

Would you ever go to a sperm bank to get pregnant? If I wanted a child, no. I have absolutely nothing against it for other people, but for myself? I just couldn't, I would feel WAY too weird growing the child of someone I didn't really know, when a massive part of the appeal of raising a kid *for me* is creating a little life between you and the person you're in love with.

When you like someone, and they don’t know about it, are you the type who wants to tell them, or them to make a move first? I may WANT to tell them, but I'm definitely the type that *prefers* them to make the first move.

Name a new friend you’ve made this year. Shelby. (: Well, I think we actually started talking in December, but close enough.

Have you ever known anyone that’s gone missing? Ummm I don't think so.

What game is in your game system right now? The PS2 has Silent Hill 2 in it, and the PS4 has Spyro the Dragon: Reignited Trilogy in it because Girt and I played it today!! :') I was losing my FUCKING mind, I love it so much.

Do you live near a pet store? Yes, a PetSmart. The mall that is also right by our house might still have a Petco, but I feel like it closed...

Who was the last person other than family to tell you that they love you? My boyfren. :') Well or maybe someone on Facebook in birthday message, I just don't feel like checking.

Have you ever been told that you resemble an animal or insect? No, that'd be offensive lmao

How many people have you kissed in the last month? Just Girt romantically.

What was the last picture you uploaded? Uhhhh I think it was a picture I took with my sisters that I posted in an Instagram story.

Is your about me long and detailed, or short and to the point? God I used to be SO bad about long intros haha, now I try to keep 'em pretty short wherever I have them.

What is your favorite type of cola? Just regular Coke.

Who did you spend your last birthday with? My birthday itself, just Mom, Girt, and Tobey for a lil while, however the family celebration was the day before, which I spent with Mom, Girt, my two sisters, my younger sister's boyfriend, Girt's mom, as well as Girt's nephew. His sister was also going to come, but she injured her foot and wanted to stay off of it.

Do you like apple soda? I've tried apple-flavored carbonated water and it was disgusting, honestly. Surprised me, because I usually LOVE apple-flavored anything.

What was the last thing that shocked you? Something Girt told me today that I just wasn't expecting, but it's private so I'ma just leave it at that. It was a good surprise though, haha.

How lonely are you right now? Not at all right now, actually! I had a good, busy weekend and am perfectly content having some me time.

What accent do you find most difficult to understand? Extremely heavy southern ones. Even when I live in an area where that's not at all rare, I still struggle understanding a lot of people around here.

Has your music taste changed over the years? From childhood, yes, but not very much since middle school-ish. Once I got into hard rock and metal, that's been my thing since. As a kid though, I liked your average pop hits as well as country music. I know, astonishing.

Have you ever practiced kissing on a stuffed animal? Nah.

Do you think the end of the world is near? Who knows. A gamma ray burst could melt us tomorrow. Or one may not hit the planet for a million years. It's not something I worry about nowadays.

Who makes you feel like you’re worth something? More than absolutely anyone, Mom and Girt do very regularly. But I'm lucky there are a number of people who do that.

How many pets is too many? This strictly depends on how many you are capable of properly, adequately providing for. There is no strict number. Different kinds of pets require different amounts of materials, care, etc., and the amount of time available to be invested in the care of these pets ALSO varies with every single person. As soon as you cannot manage to give your pet the care it absolutely needs (I'm not talking about all the rare luxuries), you have too many.

Do you know who your bridesmaid/best man will be? It's going to be my mom. I have no questions about this.

What is the best song by your favorite artist/band? I've answered with my *favorite* songs in the past, so for this, I'ma go for strictly what I think is the artist's best piece of musical art, like the ones that leave the strongest mark. For Rammstein's, it's absolutely "Stein um Stein (Stone by Stone)" imo, it's a FUCKING masterpiece. I think Ozzy's iiiiis... most likely "See You On the Other Side," but I also am VERY fond of "Ordinary Man" because that song is just him, it just tells his story and who he is beautifully. MAN I wanna list more of his, I just think he's a stupendous songwriter and has written such incredible pieces of music. In recent news I am so sad (but completely understand why) he's officially quit touring because of his health, I'm just waiting in absolute dread for the news to hit that he's passed away alskdjfalkwjekljraoiwejroieroeiraoisdjfalksdf I am going to shatter

How many times did your phone ring today? Three times; first Tobey called for Mom (her phone is being a total shit), then Dad called while she was talking to Tobey so I called him back and he didn't answer, THEN he called me back.

What theme do you want for your wedding? I want it to be gothic-y, very likely with a black and gold color scheme.

Do you have any of your future children’s names picked out? The Onion semi-recently posted one of their satire stories about a woman not wanting kids but having the overwhelming urge to still name humans and I was like............ same, bc I know EXACTLY what I want to name all potential children even though I very much doubt they'll ever exist lmfao

Would you ever date someone over the internet? I don't THINK I would again, but I wouldn't say absolutely not.

#survey #surveys #personal questions #random questions

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iwalc · 3 years

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Take me home

Hi people! I hope you are all well! Here is a something I've worked on for a while. Uhm, I realise now that I have never posted anything I've written on here before, so I am a little nervouse, ngl. I've been into a horrible writersblock for over a year now and this is the firt piece I've even been able to finish, which also makes me kind of nervouse. Either way, here it is. I hope you'll like it, and if you do, pls let me know.

Wordcount: around 2500.

I haven't really proofread anything, so if there are anything that's a bit off, then I apologise.

Damn it. I lost. Again. Here I am pissed drunk in a bar, far away from home. Or... what's supposed to be my home. Anger, love, confusion, roads that lead nowhere. As to lately, I don't know what has gotten into me. We all know life's a rollercoaster, ups and downs, downs and ups. This time I wasn't prepared. I've hit the ground. Hard. Everything happened so fast.

Almost a year ago I moved from home. It was sudden but necessary. I got into college in London and saw my opportunity to leave my abusive household. For years the mental abuse had just gradually gotten worse. Although I love my parents to bits, it was not a healthy surrounding and I needed a new perspective. I moved into a small apartment a few minutes from my college. The apartment wasn't really luxurious. But what could I expect with rent that cheap. It was alright. For me at least. Soon after the move classes started. The first few days were rough. A lot of new things, new people, new surroundings and I was all alone. You see, I am not a fan of new things. I'd rather be stuck with everything the same than have the winds of change knock everything I know to pieces. That's what I soon noticed. I didn't recognise anything anymore. Everything was to pieces. I've never felt so lost or scared.

After a while, these strange feelings of insecurity and fear decreased a bit. I started seeing people from my classes. We went to lunches, studied, went out on the weekends. For the first time in a long while it felt like my life was starting to get better. I felt alive, not only like I was just existing. I felt normal. I lived in a large city, in a tiny apartment, barely being able to pay rent, eating fish sticks and whatever else cheap food that Tesco happened to sell out, spending all money on weekends clubbing, listening to bands, laughing, getting shitfaced, having the time of my life.

On one of these nights, I met someone. Someone that would change my life drastically, and thank god it was for the better. It was an ordinary weekend. Me and the girls got ready for a night out, as usual. Only this time we were to meet Angela's boyfriend and his friends. Everyone was crazy excited. I tried to be, but as we have stated before, I'm not doing very well with breaking routines or new things, hence my increasing anxiety. To cut the chase, Angela's boyfriend had nice friends. Especially one of them. Brian. I don't really know what drew me to him. He just seemed so calm and safe. Somewhat on my level. The others, Angela, Jessica and Amanda, were all outgoing girls, finding it easy to talk and meet new people, having no trouble being in the centre of attention. I did not enjoy those types of things. I enjoyed letting others being in the centre of attention and them leading the way. I thrive in the shadows of other people and Brian seemed to be the same way. He was the quiet one, the one in the shadows. But he didn't seem shy. He sat comfortably in the booth, a beer in his hand, listening in to the conversations, taking part in them whenever it was needed. He seemed so calm, safe, secure. Something I craved. He was tall, green, welcoming eyes. Angela sat down beside her boyfriend, Roger, a blonde, seemingly handsome guy. Jessica was called over to Freddie, a dark-haired man, seemingly not afraid to stand in the centre of attention, he was very authentic and expressive. At first, I'd say he'd be a bitch, but he was so nice and welcoming. Such a sweetheart. Amanda sat down between Jessica and John and they got carried away with their conversation pretty quickly.

Me being me, trying to read the room, the new people, anxiously stood there, at the end of the table. My anxiety started to peak at this uncomfortable social situation. I had no idea what to do. I froze. The others seemed engulfed in their conversations and bonding and hadn't noticed my uncomfortable state. But Brian did. He seemed to understand and saw my anxiety. It was amazing how he just knew how to deal with it without scaring me off more. He redirected his attention towards where I stood. He calmly called my name. His voice. I've never ever felt more secure. After a few calls, and his hand gracing mine, I zoned in again and once again became aware of my surroundings. His touch. Warm. Soft. Peaceful. "Hey" he said softly, "would you like to sit down?" he asked as he carefully for a second took a hold of my hand, with me not showing any sign of uncomfort, he carefully guided me to sit down beside him, a soft smile gracing his lips. "I'm so sorry for zoning out like that, thank you" I quietly whispered. He once again took a soft hold of my hand, smiling, "Don't apologise, I understand". Something told me he did understand.

And ever since we met that night, at a pub in Kensington, he has made me feel at home. Safe. Comfortable. My pieces were glued together again. Brian was my everything. He still is. The last few months with him has been filled with such happiness and security I never ever thought I'd experience. I love him to bits. He understands me and my needs like no other. He knows how to take care of my anxiety attacks. He knows how to help me relax. He is my rock in a stormy ocean.

Until today. Earlier today, the pieces he glued together, fell apart, again. Today we moved in together. We figured it would help with our economic situation since we were both students. I mean, we love each other so why not. Well. This is why. I am once again falling apart. My pieces are flying away. I couldn't handle one more change. I've broken up with my family, moved away from home, started college, all in the period of 6 months. It was too much. And now this. I love him. But my world has been picked apart once more.

The whole day I've been feeling my anxiety increasing. Usually, Brian notices or I feel comfortable telling him, but this time I noticed how excited he was, I didn't want to hurt him with my bullshit. It's horrible feeling yourself falling apart but not be able to do anything about it. It was 7 pm and Brian was unpacking things in the living room while I sat on the sofa trying not to lose it. He kept talking about how happy he was and how this was a dream of his. How excited he was to share his life with me, to love me. All the while he was so happy babbling away, I was freaking out. To say the least.

My anxiety kept increasing and now I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt my breathing quickening, my hands and legs started to shake and tears started to stream down my eyes. I couldn't do this. What have I done? "Love? What do you think hanging this here?" Brian asked excitedly holding up a poster on the wall. I couldn't breathe. "Love?" Brian asked before he turned around. My knees were up to my chin, hands holding them in place, rocking back and forth, tears streaming down my eyes. Brian was shocked to see me in this state of mind but wasted no time. He hurried up to me on the sofa. He sat down on his knees in front of me, his hands on my cheeks. "Love, look at me" he pleaded with a calm voice. "Love" he said, more firmly this time. "Shh you're okay, love, I got you" he said as I lifted my head to look at him. I was frightened. His beautiful, angelic face that earlier always brought me peace and comfort were now triggering my anxiety. I ran. I ran out of the apartment, down the staircase and out of the building. Before leaving the building I heard Brian calling my name, running after me.

That's where I am right now. I ran to a pub, the pub we met at. I'm drunk. Anger, love, confusion, roads that lead nowhere. As to lately, I don't know what has gotten into me. We all know life's a rollercoaster, ups and downs, downs and ups. This time I wasn't prepared. I've hit the ground. Hard. Everything happened so fast. Wrapped up so consumed by all this confusion. With every thought I down a beer. "Could I get another one pls?" I slurred to the bartender. But no. No way I was going to drink more tonight. I don't know if it was intentional or not to go to the only pub in London where I'm recognisable since we go there all the time. Maybe I wanted to be found. The bartender declined and then went through a doorway to the kitchen. I heard him talking on the phone. He was talking about me. More than that I couldn't recognise and soon after my head hit the table and I was out.

I woke up in a bed. It took some time to locate where I was, but soon I noticed I was in our apartment. My head was killing me along with the anxiety and guilt. What the hell happened. I had no idea.

Soon enough Brian entered the room. I couldn't do anything. I barely dared to look at him. He looked exhausted. And there was something else, it shocked me that I couldn't decipher what it was.

"Hi" he calmly said as he strode to my side of the bed and set down a glass of water and aspirin.

"Hi" I vaguely answered.

The silence took over the room. I barely dared to move but did to take my aspirin and drink some well-needed water. Not letting my eyes of Brian, I watched as his tall body sat down on the side of the bed.

"How are you feeling?" he calmly asked as his hand strode closer to me but he didn't dare to touch me, probably confused by my signals yesterday.

I met him halfway and took a hold of his large and warm hand. As soon as he felt my hand on his he held mine tighter and let out a breath I didn't know he was holding.

"I don't know how to answer that" you answered honestly.

Brian hummed and stroked my hand with his thumb, looking at our locked hands.

"You scared me" he whispered. Tears threatening to leave his eyes.

That hurt.

"I'm so sorry" I panicked and sat up, only to regret it as my head almost pounded you dead. "Ow," I winced as my free hand went to hold my forehead.

"Careful" Brian voiced as calmly as ever. His eyes scanned around the room, trying to muster the courage for what he was to say next. He cleared his throat. "Can we talk about what happened?" he almost whispered, taking my hand in both of his, stroking it with his thumbs.

Of course, he wants to talk about it. There is nothing strange about that. However, I rather not. What am I supposed to say? That I panicked, that his face suddenly made me uneasy? That... I don't know. Suddenly I felt his hand upon my cheek. I must've zoned out.

"hey, it's alright"

I let out a loud sigh, catching Brians attention. "Brian, it is not alright. I'm a mess. What I did wasn't alright." Tears were now streaming down my cheeks. Burning like fire. Brians weight shifted as he crawled onto the bed, laying down behind me, embracing me like never before. His arms around my aching stomach and my arms. His leg over mine. His chin in the crook of my neck, whispering calming sentences while my tears shook my body. His body warming mine. It's always so calming.

How can I be so damn lucky? I ran away from home, from my love, I got piss drunk at a pub, and still, he took me home, taking care of me, holding me, loving me like no other. It's suffocating in the best way.

The tears calmed down. "Brian, I want to come home", I sniffed, crampingly grabbing onto his large, warm hand. "I'm hurting. I'm so lost. Confused. Angry." the tears were now rapidly streaming down my face again as I poured my aching heart out. "I really had to get away from home to live my life, to get better. When I first got here I felt cheated. It was so hard and I've never been worse my whole life. I've never felt more alone, left out, beaten up." I kept rambling on. "I know, love, I know." Brian cooed into my neck, stroking my arm. "But you don't Brian. I can't seem to find my way home. I'm so lost." I said as tears wrecked my body. Brian, holding me, securing me, hushing me, whispering sweet things. "I don't even know how you put up with me. I'm so broken. I came to you with a broken faith, and you gave me more than a hand to hold." The first time I voiced my fear and insecurity about how Brian feel about me. I'm so scared he'll leave me. He's all I've got. "Love, shh, It's ok. Hey, listen to me." he started as he turned me so I could look at him. "I understand that you feel like you're lost, I really do. Everything you've ever known has changed in less than a year. Space will eventually make it better, time will make it heal, and soon enough you won't feel like you're haunted. You won't be lost forever!" He praised as his hand stroked my cheek. Emphasizing the last sentence. I won't be lost forever.

"I'm so scared Brian"

"I know baby" he embraced me, "I know."

"I need you, Brian, don't leave me please, you're all I've got." I cried into his chest.

"Baby I won't. I never could. I love you! I will hold you. I will take you home. I'll be here every step of the way. I'll be your home." He said as my body once more broke down in tears.

I know there must be somewhere better because he always takes me there. Maybe I've found my home. I think he's my home.

#brian may #brian may angst #brian may x reader #brian may imagine #brian may x reader fluff #brian may fluff #take me home

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skzluvs · 4 years

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Strawberry Cheesecake 🍰; Han Jisung

Genre: Fluff!

Warnings: Swearing

Word count: 2.3K

A/N: Reuploading this one cause it had too many mistakes!

She tasted the saltiness of the caramel Frappuccino she ordered next to her a strawberry cake her ultimate favorite.

"So tell me Y/N how's school" Chan asked with a smile while he sipped his iced americano.

You where sitting at table in a vintage local coffee shop surrounded by aesthetically pleasing neon signs and flowers.

"You know being a college freshman is way harder than I thought" You sighed looking at him. Discomfort written all over your face.

“I know that face you make when something is troubling you, what it is exactly? I truly doubt is school related" He spoke softly.

" I swore I wasn't going to fall for him Chan, then tell me why I can't take him off my mind" You almost banged your head on the table as a sign of frustration.

You just couldn't understand why he made you feel that particular way and why exactly had to be him the one who everyone wanted the one you absolutely just couldn't have.

“He just has that effect on people Y/N"- Chan laughed showing his cute dimples.

" He truly does but that's not the point Chan you are supposed to be my friend and tell me to stay away from him before I fall in deeper"

Chan knew him they're weren't exactly close but they both shared American literature and that means they have talked here and then. Also they share a lot of things in common for example they were majoring on the same career.

" I can't do that sweetheart because indeed I'm your friend and if you like him I guess I support it"- He raised his shoulders innocently.

" Christopher Bang Chan! I never said I liked him to begin with and second of all you are such a bad friend this is why Woojin will always be my favorite"- You replied to him with annoyance raising your voice a little. Causing some customers to look at you.

Yes, you had the guy on your mind 24/7 but you just couldn't afford to like him. It was not safe, there were a million reasons why you couldn’t fall on that trap and mainly because you didn't wanted to become another one of the so called “fans” he has too many of those already.

" I feel disrespected but let me remind you woojin is still mad at you because you ate his precious chicken" He snapped back.

"What part of I was drunk both of you don't understand I was about to passed out and that chicken was the only thing that was on the fridge it was totally not my fault in fact you guys should do the groceries more often just saying" you responded with a sassy tone.

You were too busy fighting with Chan to noticed that a group of guys entered the coffee shop. And in that small crowd of young boys the protagonist of your chaotic nonexistent love life.

" Y/N I think we are missing the point here" He said trying to go back to the initial conversation.

" And that is..." You said waiting impatiently for him to answer.

" To admit that you do like him" a grin spread across his face.

You wanted to beat him so hard for being such a cheeky bastard.

"Fuck you Christopher I'm just going to pretend I didn't heard you assume my feelings like that" You scoffed in disbelief.

" What are you so afraid of though" he questioned raising an eyebrow at you.

" I already told you. First of all he's never going to like me back we only talked like twice and that's only because my clumsy ass bumped into him in the library"

" Don't you guys share a clase together" Chan asked while taking a sip of his coffee.

" Yes economics, but you know Mr. popular sits in the back surrounded by girls who are staring at him all day admiring his beauty while on the contrary I have to sit on the front so I can actually listen to Wilson talk about Adam Smith and his invisible hand of capitalism for an hour straight"

" Sounds like fun" he repeated mocking you.

" Today you are acting like a real asshole and I'm questioning why I'm still friends with you"- You said sending him a dead stare.

"I guess someone not in the mood for jokes" He said grinning.

"I'm just stressed out okay!"- You growled.

" Well I'm just going to say, you can keep denying it all you want I know you better than anyone else and unfortunately I can tell you are already in love with the poor man"

Mental note never talk about your love life with Christopher Bang because he has no fucking clue about anything else but music.

" When did you gotten so wise ? clearly never because all you are saying is nothing but bullshit" You crossed my arms in denial.

" Whatever you say Y/N. Why haven't you eaten your strawberry cake yet this matter must be really affecting you today because you tend to devore that thing in seconds"

The straberry cheesecake was just there sitting lonely on the table dripping the red syrup while the big chunk of straberry on top was slowly melting. You stared at it lost on your own thoughts.

There are too many reason why is even risky to think You were to like him but You couldn’t help to suppress a smile when You thought about him laughing or just walking confidently along with his friends through the hallways. You felt like a high schooler all over again having this secret crush on someone who can be seen as unreachable.

To you he was a like a shinning star in a sky, someone I wished upon up every night knowing that even with my extended hands I was never going to be able to touch because he felt too high for a simple mortal like yourself.

" HEY BANG CHAN"- a voice called for my best friend who rapidly turn his head looking for the owner.

You stayed there frozen In your place you could recognize that voice anywhere Seo Changbin one of the richest and most admired guys in school and of course for my misfortune his best friend.

“Hey Seo how you been?" He asked while greeting the boy with a typical handshake.

There was no surprised that Changbin was talking to Chan they're both Music Majors, talented creative, self producers who were extremely passionate about their career unlike you who selected probably the most boring and time consuming career it could possible exist.

That's correct You were a Med student. Exciting knowing You’ll probably die before I get the chance to graduate.

"I've been well but actually I wanted to talk to you about a song I've been working on, do you maybe want to help me with some tracks ?” He asked directly and I could've sworn I heard Chris gasp.

" Of course mate I would love to" He replied with that beautiful smile showing off his dimples once again.

" I'm actually not that busy right now do you mind if we go to my place and work on it I barely started the beat" Changbin suggested.

" I don't mind I'm not busy either" Chan said immediately.

" Then let's go! can't wait for you to hear it" Changbin said turning around quickly.

You turned to face him for the first time since he got here, they were just talking comfortably as they pretended You wasn't even there but honestly You didn't mind at all, that's what happens when people with similar interests get together also nor You wanted to interrupt their personal conversation.

" I'm leaving Baby! I'll see you tomorrow I'm sorry we couldn't finish talking about you know what but I'll treat you to dinner next time"- Channie said while taking his jacket from the chair and standing up to follow Changbin.

" Don't worry about me, have fun with your new friend" You gave him a smile before he disappeared through the crystal doors of the coffee shop.

And then you came back to your thoughts while you kept on staring at my favorite dessert that didn't look as appetizing as before when you purchased it about 30 minutes ago.

As you was having this mental battle of trying to figure out my feeling for the dark haired boy you didn't even noticed that someone approached your table and stand there looking directly at you.

" Y/N" A sweet voice called out your name taking me out of your trance.

"Huh"- You said looking up confused.

That the minute your heart stopped for a couple of seconds and suddenly You forgot how to properly breathe. The most beautiful man was standing right there next to you with his hands on his pockets and his beautiful brown hair styled to the side. He was wearing sweatpants and a red hoodie but he still looked like a model.

"Can I sit here or are you waiting for someone" He asked offering that smile you always end up falling for.

Was he actually talking to you? You questioned mentally. You don't even know each other like that You wonder how is it possible that he even knows your name maybe he has a good memory and remembers you as the girl who tripped with the books on him on the library.

“God why did my mom had to made me uncoordinated” you said unaudible feeling your ears burn in embarrassment.

Your hands were sweating and You couldn't get the words out of your mouth you was suffocating on them.

" You can sit" you said rushing your words as you could spitted fire. If Chan ever needed a back up rapper you think you could do the job.

He proceeded to pull the chair in front of you and plopped himself on it while putting his elbows on the table and resting his cheeks on his hand his eyes looking directly at me. You instantly broke the eye contact and focused your gaze on that strawberry cheesecake again.

There was an awkward silence for a few minutes were neither of you made a sound until he decided to end it.

" Y/N i need to ask you something" His sweet voice sounded a little preoccupied.

" What is it" It was so hard for you to pretend to play it cool in front of him. The one who haunted you even on your own sleep a place where you thought it was safe. But not anymore.

"I know we haven't talked much but I found you really interesting" He scratched the back of his head nervously. "what I'm trying to say is that I would really like to get to know you I mean if that's okay with you of course" He said so fast no wonder why he's actually a rapper.

The red of your cheeks were just as the color of the strawberry syrup from that cake. How was you supposed to answer that while not long ago you was rejecting any possibility of liking him.

" I know this question might sound stupid to you but why me? You know there's absolutely no one in this one who hasn't fallen for you yet" I questioned still unable to believe on his words.

" Oh I know there's one, You are the only one who hasn't" He said obviously.

" So you are saying you find me challenging because I can resist to your charming face " you raised an eyebrow starting to feel offended you clearly wasn't going to be a game to him.

" Not quite I'm saying you are different and I like that maybe you don't realize it but even if the whole world liked me I would still only look at you, I mean I have been since you came in late the first day to Wilson's trying to fix yourself because you looked like you ran a marathon to get there" His laugh overflowed the whole room.

"Excuse me but my alarm didn't worked that morning and I didn't even got to eat breakfast so yes I ran my way all over there sorry I didn't looked presentable to your eyes but some people don't want to be late on their first day" You snapped back messing with him a little.

It was comfortable being with him like this right now. Something told me you was going to cherish this moment forever.

"I never said you looked bad in that moment I thought wow that messy girl is the prettiest one I've ever seen" A smirk spreading across his face.

"Are you just trying to cover up the fact that you literally just roasted me" You said laughing.

" Hey I didn't!” He said puffing outhis cheeks and You must admit he looks adorable every time he does that.

“By the way I was also meaning to ask is strawberry cheesecake your favorite as well?” He asked looking at the almost melted dessert.

" Yes it is. I have tried many variations but I always come back to this old friend, trust me I can eat strawberry cheesecakes for life I just haven't eaten this one because I was too distracted"

"Mine too! I love all kinds of cheesecakes to be honest with you, but no other flavor can surpass the deliciousness of the strawberry one. I must say it's my favorite because in some way it reminds me of you"

"How so" You asked curiously trying to hide the blush on your cheeks.

" It's really sweet but not to the point my teeth would hurt and the juicy texture of the strawberry just melts with the cheese and the cookie crust that's kinda how you are Sweet enough for me to like you with a twist personality that makes it even more fun"

You grabbed the fork and cut a piece of the cake while You shoved it on his mouth.

"Just be quiet for a moment you are being cheesier than the cheesecake" You said pointing at the plate while laughing at his sudden confession.

“Mmm this is delicious” He said savoring the taste on his lips. Liking them slowly in a teasing way.

“By the way, just for the record I was the one who purposely bumped into you at the library I'm sorry I had to grabbed your attention somehow" He winked at you with a smirk.

"JISUNG" You yelled at him.

You both talked about many things that afternoon but one thing you would never be able to forget is how his lips also tasted sweet like that strawberry cheesecake you shared.

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jade4813 · 7 years

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Yeah, I had some qualms with S1 of Supergirl, but I liked it enough that I was looking forward to S2 and... I only lasted a few episodes. They got rid of the things I *did* like and added a bunch of stuff I either had no interest in or simply didn't like - Mon-El, in particular. The Kara/James break (and subsequent ret-con) was some of the laziest writing I've ever seen. Then the show, via Kara (and the fandom) proceeded to dump on James for being Guardian and then forget he existed altogether.

It left a really bad taste in my mouth. Before I knew it, I was forgetting to watch and behind on several episodes, with no desire to catch up. It's a shame because the show had so much potential. SV was my very first fandom (aired when I was in middle school and high school, Clois was one of my first OTPs) and I love all things 'Super', so I had high hopes, but oh well. I'll just rewatch Smallville and enjoy The Flash, tbh.---Yeah. I knew before the end of season 1 that I probably wouldn't be back for season 2. There were just too many times I sat through an episode thinking how much better the show could be than what it was. Even for its purported feminism...there were several times I thought it said it wanted to be feminist more than it actually was. Every time Lois was mentioned, it was to slam her. It seemed to me like Cat punished Kara for not dating her son to keep him around... And then, of course, General Lane was absolutely irredeemable. By mentioning Superman every week but not being allowed to have him around ever, he came off like a huge jerk, so they should have just stopped mentioning him and let the audience move on...I could move on, I'm sure.I just wasn't enjoying it, so I figured I wouldn't be back unless I heard things had changed. I didn't hear that (if anything, I've been hearing the show isn't even as much about Kara's story anymore). So...*shrug*I mean, it's disappointing because I love all things Superfam and I really wanted to love it. But at the end of the day, the show isn't made for me. I'm not the demographic they're writing for, I don't think. It seems to be skewing much younger. So it's a little disappointing I don't enjoy it, but that's the way it goes.I'm a firm believer that when a show gets to a point where you can think of all the things you hate about it, more than the things you love...if you spend more time talking about what you WANT it to be more than what it IS...if what the show isn't is making you bitter...if you honestly aren't deriving enjoyment from the story they are telling you, regardless of how much you love a character or characters and how much you want to love the show itself...Seriously, move on. Let it go. There is so much media out there to consume, you don't have to consume this one. If you're going to spend an hour each week watching a show, you should derive more enjoyment than bitterness and frustration out of it. Not everything has to be for you, and even if you want a particular thing to be and it isn't...honestly, that's okay.I realized when I was watching the finale of Supergirl last season and I was praying for it to be over before the credits even hit the screen that...it just isn't for me. I thought maybe it would be with the change of stations and so I watched the premiere of this season and...it still wasn't. So I let it go.I do hope to see another Super show one day that I DO enjoy. But, honestly, if their cinematic Superman universe isn't for me (and it definitely hasn't been to date), I can't be too sad that their Supergirl TV show isn't.I do enjoy Flash, though! That said, I've seen some people who are so bitter about it and hate Barry so much...they should probably let it go, if only for a while. Really, no television show is worth it.

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