#hmhghvutgvhk

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

okay need to Fear™ for a minute

okay so we all know that isolating has been shit and terrible for everybody’s mental health.

But uh. I’ve always been isolating. My life literally hasn’t changed since 2020 hit (apart from wearing masks when I do have to go out.) I have literally been isolating since I was like 7 years old and. I’ve really been thinking about this.

I went to school up till 2nd grade, then got bullied so horrifically (like. injured) that my Mum pulled me out to homeschool me bc I refused to go back.

But because I was homeschooled, I had no interaction with anyone. My parents tried to enrol me in cool kids groups and art classes and shit. Joined the Girl Scouts at one point and loathed it with my whole being and actively tried to get kicked out (while not being mean to anyone bc I was a gremlin but I wasn’t MEAN.)

I need you to understand, I didn’t have social anxiety at this point. I had 0 fear or nervousness when talking to people, in fact I was the opposite, I had manners but if somebody annoyed me I’d give ‘em what for. I hated people with the entire force of hell. I thought they were annoying and stupid and I hated, hated having to interact with anyone other than my immediate family. To the point where I’d literally lock myself in the bathroom and Yell when my parents tried to take me to a big social gathering.

So I did interact with people, but only a tiny bit. I never had friends. Never spoke to anyone my own age unless I was forced to for an interaction. I didn’t go to school so I didn’t get exposure that way. My parents eventually gave up trying to force me to hang out with people because it was like pulling teeth and I’d hate them for it and generally Be Miserable.

Last year was literally the year I made a resume, started thinking about doing a TAFE course maybe, started seriously thinking about getting a job or doing other things to meet people, but then covid hit.

Now I’m thinking wow. Maybe literally isolating myself my whole life has. really fucked up my mental health?? like wow I never hung out with practically anyone, especially not people my age. Did that affect my brain, how I think of things, my personality, everything?? Am I like. stunted in a way?? How impactful is human interaction to a child??? I’m socially fine, I know how to fuckin talk to people and interact and everything, nothing like that’s affected, the only things I struggle with are the usual Young Adult Who Has Never Gotten A Job Before Oh My God What Do I Do Where Do I Start???.

But still. I think about it a lot. If self-isolating has affected everybody, including me this badly, how badly am I fucked up for doing it my entire life?

#Matt speaks #negativity #tagged under: things I need to talk to a therapist about #don't worry babes everything's fine #I promise #just #hmhghvutgvhk #also yeah wow I had/have a lot of anger issues huh #X'D X'D X'D #I am full of equal parts wrath and love #hoping I lean more towards love now