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two90sadults · 7 years

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I Spent A Lot Of Time Listening To Sad Love Songs When I Was In School

Right now I am definitely firmly in a phase in my life where I have no interest whatsoever in romance. I do not want to date anyone, even casually. I don’t even really want anyone to see me naked, let alone touch or kiss me. Honestly. Relationships are messy and hard and not worth what you have to put into them for what you get out. I’ve only been in two relationships, both of which lasted a year and a half, but they both put me in the camp of It’s Not Worth It To Devote A Majority Of Your Time, Energy, And Emotions To One Person Who Will Inevitably Let You Down And Who You Will Inevitably Let Down, Sooner Or Later.

Still, I find it interesting to think about the fact that I spent most of my life pining after someone or another romantically or sexually or both, and how that fact has shaped who I am today.

I’m bisexual, but I’m only going to talk about my attraction to men today since both of my relationships were with boys (well, one of them is a trans woman, but at the time she was not really aware of her own identity and she presented as a male and my attraction to her was based in the fact that she was male, so at the time we were both operating as a male/female relationship. If that makes sense?) and the way that I am primarily attracted to men in a serious relationship kind of way is what gets me fucked up.

This post could get really long but I promise I am going to try to keep it brief.

I have always had an obsessive personality. There is a big light switch in my mind and when I am introduced to something it is either flicked on or off, no in between. So, when it flicks on, I am immediately swept up into a frenzy of having to consume whatever I can get my hands on that relates to the thing that I now LOVE. So I think this comes into play when it comes to me having crushes on people, too. if my heart and my head decide they like a person, they spend all of their time trying to figure out how I can be near them all of the time.

I am the youngest of my mom’s four kids. When I was little, I never wanted to be alone. I would follow my mom around the house, every room she went into, just so that we could be in the same room and I could see her and talk to her. I shared a room with my sister for the longest time. The first time I had my own room was honestly the strangest thing. These things come into play, too, because I never really wanted alone time. I always craved a relationship because it meant having a person that could be glued to my waist at all times in a socially acceptable way.

All through elementary school was my most formative crush. I am not going to use real names of anyone here, but I was absolutely obsessed with my math/science teacher. He was over six feet tall, had a full head of beautiful brown hair, a cute little gap in his front teeth, a deep voice, and great taste in pop culture. During class he used to talk about Han Solo and The Beatles and my little heart would pitter-pat like crazy. I thought he was so cute. He also wore Vans and khakis and short-sleeved dress shirts with ties and I could not believe how good he looked. When you’re young like that you just think all adults are Old, but when I look back on it at the time he was only 34 or 35 years old, so he had that young “cool teacher” vibe.

Based on this description, you could put any of my crushes since then in a line up with a lot of other random guys and even someone who has never met me would be able to pick out the guys I liked.

Tall, geeky, cocky. These, unfortunately, are the traits I have always found most attractive in a man.

And, also true to my nature, in elementary school I spent every waking moment devising ways that I could spend time in his classroom, reasons I could talk to him during recess, etc etc. I kept a journal that I filled with ideas and stories about us being in love. I wrote him love letters. One of which my friend actually gave to him. THAT was awkward.

Once he called me cute as a button and I tell you what it changed my whole goddamned life.

This perfect storm of having an obsessive personality and being a chubby kid with terrible skin and messy hair and kind of a fucked up home life with my dad made me base almost my entire self-worth on what men thought of me. Ladies and gentlemen, I can tie all of my problems in my life back to this basic premise. What men think of me, and whether or not they were attracted to me, was always always always at the front and center of my mind.

This post is definitely just me rambling at this point, but I think about these kinds of things a lot. I’m sorry.

Anyway, Tierney, if there is any advice I can give you based on these realizations that it took years for me to drag out of myself it is: don’t date men. And if you do absolutely have to date a man do not let them become the center of your universe, do not let them make you believe their opinions are superior, and DO NOT base your self-worth in what they think of you. These are pitfalls that are easy to slip into without even realizing it. And if you do fall into them do not feel too ashamed or embarrassed to ask a friend for help climbing out of them. Also, if your friends don’t like a guy, take their advice and dump him. You guys were right about my last relationship and I stayed in it for so long when I could have just jumped ship a few months in when it was clear you guys thought he was wrong for me.

Thus concludes my sermon on my obsession with men. I guarantee this topic will come up again. And again and again and again. It is themost toxic thing inside of my brain and, unfortunately, it still lives there.

I love you dearly, Julia

NOTE: when I refer to men in the negative, I largely mean cisgendered men, and white cisgendered men at that.

#julia #men #cisgendered men #my own mentally ill ass

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