#guess i’ll add these to the tag with her url just to keep stuff together | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

acaciapines · 3 years

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tagged by @mattieandmatter! thank youuu <3

1. why did you choose your url?

i picked it when i was super into the transcendence au and acacia was my favorite triplet. now i keep it ‘cause i like the name acacia and it works as a url and i dont see any reason to change it, except on those random days where i feel guilty for stealing someones oc. but like. acacia is a tau oc at this point and if people ask who she is i explain, so like. eh. its fine.

2. any sideblogs?

no. everything i like goes on one blog. i dont really post enough to need a separate blog, and i have a tag system for me to go through and find posts so. no need for a sideblog!

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

way way too long. like 7 years i think?

4. do you have a queue tag?

i dont even use the queue. posts are reblogged and made as i feel like it.

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

i think a friend of mine had a tumblr and told me to join so i did, but now i havent talked to that person in years and she doesnt even use tumblr anymore, so.

6. why did you choose your icon?

its a margay, and they’re my settled form! but literally neither of my daemons take margay form so at this point it’s basically just my fursona.

7. why did you choose your header?

no idea. when i joined i was super into gravity falls and i think that was just a picture that fit okay as a header, and i dont feel like changing it.

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

this one back from the cipherhunt days.

9. how many mutuals do you have?

i dont know. i think somewhere between 6 or 8? if people wanna talk to me its not like we need to be mutuals, i dont follow many people.

10. how many followers do you have?

222. a nice even number! i like that.

11. how many people are you following?

103, and i’d guess maybe half of them are active? i dont follow that many people ‘cause i dont want my dash to be unusable since im one of those people that scrolls all the way back to where i left off the night before.

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

i mean. ive been here for so long im gonna say probably?

13. how often do you use tumblr every day?

like, 3-4 hours a day? maybe more. i dont know i dont keep track.

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

i think the closest ive ever come is disagreement over the interpretation of fanfic njrfdg so not really a fight, or at least i didn’t consider it one and im pretty sure (and hope!) the other person didnt either. but man do i interpret daemorphing differently than the people who talked about it on my daemonfic trends post. for the record im now on the 20th fic in that series and i stand by everything i said in my trends post. but also i can now add that actual main plot of daemorphing fucking rules if you like stories about war and what it does to a person, many different aliens learning about each other and how to live together, and literally amazing yeerk content go read it.

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

dont care for them, they just make me stressed for no reason.

16. do you like tag games?

theyre fun! if im tagged in one i’ll do it.

17. do you like ask games?

a bit, but i dont really do them ‘cause i’d rather talk about like. daemons n stuff. i like answering all the asks people have sent me about daemons bc i adore talking about daemons.

18. which of your tumblr mutuals do you think is famous?

uhhhhhhh idk. theinternationalacestation? talked to her through her tma fics and i feel like if youve read tma fic youve probably read at least one of hers. is that fame? i guess on some levels. also here is my monthly talk about hope etc go read hope etc please read hope etc i need everyone to read hope etc so i can talk to people about it.

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

nah.

20. tags

ah yes the most stressful part of any tag game. including other people. i’ll tag @mackerelgray if u wanna do it and anybody else who feels like answering some questions about their blog, like. youre free to do so as well.

#tag games #there are no other tags that apply here

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thederivativeofrad · 6 years

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Update

It’s that time of year when the new years thing happens and I make a post that has something to do with either what happened or what I want to happen and honestly I don’t know if I have the energy for it

It’s really surreal to think that some of you won’t have your blags anymore after whenever that drop date is. There will be writings lost to the void, a lot of... meaning just kind of snuffed out, and I couldn’t really have anticipated that. I was worried that mine would be gone, but I don’t believe that will be the case. I’m pretty sure hers will be, though, and even though I haven’t looked at it in two months and hardly at all before that back to July, I can’t help but be pained by the realisation that soon it might just not be there anymore. It’s nice to have that ability to look for a moment and go “ah, you’re still here”, but now that’s being taken away, and it’s not even by the choice of the author.

That sounds awfully dramatic for a blag being erased, but it’s more than just a blag I suppose. I have a lot of important writings here about college politics, about drugs, rambling about how lightsabers work and if computers can think, and I think I’d be pretty devastated to attempt to log in here again after however long I go without looking only to find it just... wasn’t there anymore.

There’s a reason why I just kind of stopped using the site rather than deactivating. It’s an archive, as well as somewhere to kind of peek back at, somewhere to put an update here and there or poke around and see if I can give myself an existential crisis by digging too far back into the personal tags. Albums are still alive here, little jokes that grew into whole developments, a large digital footprint of myself and friends and all the trends we were a part of. It’s a bit like losing family photos in a fire, flood, or to a strange person who comes over to party and steals the photos to put in a personal collection in a secret room off his room. There wasn’t much current for me here any longer, but... there [is] plenty to look back at, or to check in on to see if it’s still moving, and I think the sentiment of that is very powerful and is making me very ramble-prone.

There are some blags that I just like knowing they still exist, that something will pop up once in a great while, that they still exist in a friendly way, and now, soon, they may not be here any longer. There are some blags that put out little things that are important to people who mean a lot to me, and those may soon be gone, as well. It’s just difficult to come to terms with, and even more difficult to tell what sort of impact it may have. Maybe something good comes of the purge, maybe nothing changes [for me] at all. It’s something to ponder nonetheless, especially as I look recently at some URLs frozen in time, unflinching, unsuspecting, unafraid. All qualities I want but know better than to wish for, because what’s a life without that little buzz of stress and adventure? I just wish there was less of it from time to time--much different than having it all taken away.

So there’s that...

And then there’s life stuffs.

For better or worse, no matter how much I wanted to, I didn’t give up on my secondary education, yet. I joined the CIS department board for the community college I’m currently attending and helped with a partnership between our college and a four-year university that has a degree program that I was thinking about doing about five or six years ago. Computer security and forensics is one of three majors available to our students in our program, two of those majors (aforementioned included) can be taken on-site rather than having to travel to the university. This development has cancelled my plan for a break between my Associate’s and Bachelor’s, but it’ll only be... sigh... it’ll only be one(?) extra year, supposedly, so I guess it’s worth it. See “so, this college thing” for the roots of my scepticism about this whole system. I guess I’m a part of the system, now. I guess I literally made this for myself.

Academia is hell; what’s new?

I’ve been at my place of work for just a couple weeks over a year. I love my job as a whole, but things are not ideal.

Y’see, I work in the IT department, under IT managers. I work for the surgery department, alongside surgery managers. I really despise my team, my direct coworkers, the people I’m supposed to be able to count on--the rest of the deskside team. Slackers, painfully inefficient and unobservant, power hungry, whiny, back stabbing; they’re those little goblins that computer people turn into when they develop a complex, when they’re so full of themselves or so apathetic about what they do that they are not only arrogant, but horrifically lazy. My manager and coordinators aren’t any better. I’m convinced the coordinators are called that as some sick joke that I’m not in on, as they do very little coordinating at all. I’m not sure they know how to coordinate, because most of the plans they put together fall through very rapidly due to poor planning or no follow through. They’re worse together, they somehow become so much worse. Exception to that? One of them is a buffer, likes to keep the peace. The other is a hothead, and he’s shown me that side of himself before. That went straight to the manager after I cried about it and was convinced by one or two of my worth-something coworkers to talk to her. That’s when I first began to notice she does nothing but placate. She lies and panders and says just about anything to everyone to make it look like she’s doing something, like she’s worth something, like her department is excelling and deserves more.

It doesn’t.

One good thing about her is that she helped me to realise that I do that, too. That perspective and some other relevant thoughts running through my head around the same time brought that picture together for me. The last month I’ve been actively trying to do better with that. I think I’m beginning to make progress breaking that habit of trying not to disappoint people by making promises and giving time estimates that are unlikely if not impossible to fulfil. What a weird way to spell that...

The department I work for is filled with new friends. I know so many people, even by name. Someone as horrible with names as me actually recognising people, remembering things about them, holding conversation, it’s brilliant! It makes me feel like I belong there. They feel like family, I feel like a part of their team. I am a part of their team. I’m the IT guy there, if they need anything worked on they know they can count on me to be right there and take care of it effectively, even if it’s not our department’s equipment. If I’m comfortable with it at first glance I’ll try at it, because there’s a person on the table right now and we don’t have the sort of time to wait for biomed or Stryker or M.E. or someone on a different team in IT to come in and fix the issue. I have tools, I have knowledge, I don’t give a fuck what my coordinator says is and isn’t my job. The other teams are okay with me punching cables, moving connections in the closets, modifying group policy, playing with AV equipment, and resetting oxygen monitors, Spiro devices, x-ray imaging devices, and EKGs. I have access to applications I never knew existed because other teams recognised that I could do those things, saving them a trip not only downtown into the hospital, but into a sterile area where they’d need to be wearing special attire. Let me stroke my ego: I am a goddamn miracle worker.

I am an ambassador. I am not the leader of my department, but I speak with leaders of other departments as a present part of my own. I have knowledge they don’t, I have something that they need, and for that they place me on-par with them. I smile so much walking down the manager hallway no matter how I’m actually feeling and it brightens their day. I know everyone’s personalities well enough to make the right jokes and ask about the right things, to be careful with Dan because this is the time of year he gets depressed because he misses his family, to avoid talking about certain things with Kerry because she raised family near Hopkins and she knows some people I’ve been in awkward situations with, to come to Jenny with all the juicy gossip from surgery, my life, or the office, and to not send Jess hearts on Skype because she just finds it weird. I have so many phone numbers, they ask me so many questions, they trust me so much it just feels good to be so open with people and to be able to help them and provide a necessary service without them having to be worried about how long they’re going to wait. I love my job. I love that I get to work with my hands, that I get to work with such amazing people, that I get to go into rooms where people are getting cut open, where just the most unimaginable procedures take place with such a wide array of instruments that I get to watch be cleaned and repackaged for use. I get to see every step of a surgery from check in to PACU, and all the behind the scenes parts that patients wouldn’t even think of on their own. Every call is exhilarating, a positive stress, I feel so comfortable in a room shoved with millions of dollars in equipment and random tables topped with liner you can’t touch or you botch it all. It’s a time trial on a rope course with a hostage in the middle. It adds another layer to the challenge. It keeps me utterly focused out of necessity.

I even have my own locker. Not even Damon had a locker. I didn’t even ask for it. People have handshakes with me in the hallway. They all know my name, they all know I’m someone they can trust, that I’m someone that can help them. It’s absolutely glorious. It makes me proud to be a part of the surgery department, to be a staple to them, to be someone they are legitimately worried about not being there for a week because the department I’m under is forcing me to cross train at a location that doesn’t need any help and won’t ever need more than the people who are trained to go there already in order to take care of it. Brian and I do BSH. Nolan and James to BLH. D, Sujith, and Andrew do BMH. Mike and Jim do BBC. There is no need for any more trained techs off main campus. There never will be a need until one person quits, moves up, or dies and that position needs to be refilled. Then we train one more and we call it a day. We shouldn’t waste time and money sending every tech to every other location just so they can stick their hands under their butts for five full workdays while they aren’t at a location long enough to learn people places and things but are there long enough to realise that they’re there for no reason because everything is already handled just fine by one person and the backup person would be just fine on their own since they were cross trained using a much more thorough process. I feel like that sentence was never going to stop.

Regardless of the positives and negatives, I don’t plan on staying here. After my education is finished I’ll open myself back up to possibilities of finding work elsewhere. I already get job offers, but I’m not uprooting myself again until I finish what I’ve started/continued here. It won’t be that much longer until I have what I’ve been trying to get for twenty years or I surrender to the fact that I’m just not cut out for college. Overall, career-wise, I’m not happy being here permanently, I have no interest in moving up the chain. I’d rather move on.

So here I suppose I can talk about the new years thing since that is what this was supposed to be about, anyway. It’s pretty ironic that the first year I’m actually able to have a place to myself and would be able to be with someone special to kiss at midnight that the only person I’d care to do that with won’t be there. I’ll probably be asleep, anyway, as I work holidays--the ORs are closed so I can pop in and out of them as I please without interrupting cases. I take those opportunities to update the place. They’re the only days I can actually plan work projects.

I have my love-hate relationship with school, my love-hate relationship with work, now I need a bit more time working out the love-hate relationship with myself. I’ve been doing well with most things. I wake up at 0400, listen to the news for about 15 minutes while I am rudely shoved awake by the fact that all of the other countries in the Paris Agreement mk 2 signed it besides guess who, I do some stretches and I hop in the shower. I prep myself for the day in various ways, take some time to read or watch a video, finish up homework or write crap like this in a more private manor, and I get to work around 0600 after an only approximately 10 minute commute.

Moving was only lovely for half as many reasons as it was going to be in my head, but that half has been more than worth it. I’ve been getting a good amount of sleep despite waking up so early, I drink plenty of water (not that I’ve ever had an issue with that), I remember to eat... sometimes... okay that one is kind of a work in progress. My finances are stable, and in six months I’ve raised my credit score from 560 to 770, which is basically from “I don’t even know if I can rent a decent apartment if they’re going to run a credit check” to “yeah you’re sending me offers in the mail because I can pick whichever one I want and you’d be lucky to have me”. I’m where I wanted to be on an individual financial basis by the time I moved out, I’m just occasionally sorry I couldn’t get there sooner.

Things are much better here, it’s just lonely.

So the goal for whatever year is coming up is to focus on keeping my environment positive and to keep up and improve the work I’m attempting to do on myself, whatever that means. It probably means finding ways to make me not want to hurt myself over homework, remembering to eat semi-regularly, and learning. Really just learning.

Here goes nothing:

I want to learn more about myself, what I like and don’t like, and how to continue this positive change into someone that I’m proud of so that I won’t feel like people are lying to me when they say they’re proud of me, too.

I want to compliment myself without feeling conceited.

I want to convince myself that this impostor syndrome is only a collection of intrusive thoughts.

I want to be how my families make me feel.

I want to be the best me that I can be when it’s time for me to move on, however many seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years out that is.

I want to know that we all need room to grow, and that forcing my help onto others, by putting everything into them that I can to keep them comfortable with where they are instead of allowing them to grow is not helpful.

I want to see that we all came from somewhere different, and that we all need to figure things out in different ways that can’t be forced, but can be guided subtly, all from love, never from manipulation.

I want to remember that we all can take all the time we need, and that sometimes we need longer than we thought.

So let’s do a silly little thing: let’s help ourselves to remember those things by writing them down somewhere safe, somewhere personal like a blag, somewhere that your digital footprint lives on and can be theoretically investigated by anyone. Let’s see if it stands the test of time, or if it gets wiped away like marked profiles on a shitty blue website.

Happy New Year.

#personal #here comes 2019 #let's see how things get turned around this time

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