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cycat4077 · 4 years

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Sheltering An Outcast

Summary: Sonny goes undercover during “Sheltered Outcasts” 17x19 Pairing: Sonny x Reader Warnings: fluff and smoochies with a sprinkle of angst...and maybe a bit of Sonny in only a towel ;) Words: 2848 (sorry it’s a bit long...) AO3 here

Part 6 of the Changes verse (but it can be stand-alone too). (Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5)

It’s evening and you're flaked out on your couch, an empty ice cream container sitting by the wayside, when your phone rings. "Hey Sonny, what's up?" you answer, spirits brightened by the sound of his voice. "Finally finished that difficult case you were working on?"

As you were discovering, some cases posed ridiculous hours, keeping the two of you apart with only the occasional evening together amidst the chaos. Text, calls and Skype eased the separation, but there was nothing better than physically being by his side.

"Yeah, it’s done," replies Sonny. "Thank goodness too. It was a tough one, doll." You hear a heavy sigh on his end and your heart goes out to him. "You busy?" he then asks hopefully, and when you answer in the negative, he adds, "Wanna spend the night?"

A rush of excitement spreads through you. Of course, you want to spend the night! Running around, you stuff a change of clothes into a bag and hop awkwardly, struggling to slip on your pants.

The commute over leaves time to reminisce about the nights you and Sonny actually do get to share at each other's apartments. They're sweet and intimate times. Nothing sexual, just precious moments together without any rush to go home.

Those times bring out the domestic side of Sonny too, being that he always makes sure you feel welcome. For instance, even though he blatantly detests peanut butter, you opened his cupboard one day to find a jar simply because he knows you like to eat it for breakfast.

You also love being privy to his little habits. After practically every shower, Sonny darts between the bathroom and bedroom having forgotten his clean clothes in the latter. With only a towel around his waist, he’ll tell you jokingly not to look, though you can't help sneak a peek at his bare torso still coated in a sheen of water as he runs by.

It’s all these little things that make you fall even more in love with him and excite you for a future with your Italian detective.

-x-

Arriving at Sonny’s apartment, he opens the door and you throw your arms around his neck. Enthusiastically, you pepper kisses across his nose and cheeks, purposefully leaving his lips for last.

Sonny’s smile stretches from ear to ear. Clearly, the affection you shower him with washes away any remaining stress from his latest case. "What'd I do to deserve all that lovin'?" he teases, taking your coat and closing the door.

"Hmmm…" you pretend to think on it. "Gotta be that Italian charm." Winking, you begin shimmying out of your pants, revealing pajama shorts underneath. You then glance over your shoulder and notice Sonny still standing by the door with mouth slightly agape. His baby blues are quite obviously glued to your behind. "Hey, detective!” you call out, batting your lashes and smirking. “My eyes are up here!" It’s hard not to take at least a little pleasure in flirty bouts like these since they never fail to flush Sonny’s cheeks or jumble his words.

"Y-yeah, I-I know, doll. It's just," he closes the distance towards you. "You're so beautiful." Sonny's voice seems to catch in his throat causing your heart to do the same in your chest. He reaches out to cup your face, a thumb brushing tenderly along your cheek. "I'm gonna miss this..."

Your eyebrows knit together. "What?"

Sonny shuts his eyes firmly as if he's guarding a confession and releases a breath through his nose. "I have ta go undercover for a while."

Your eyes widen. "When?!"

Your boyfriend rests his hands on your shoulders, bracing you. "Tomorrow." You pull yourself out of his grasp. "Doll, please!” he begs. “I just found out myself! There's been a few assaults around this shelter for convicted sex offenders and we need a guy on the inside."

How could he just spring this on you? A cramped space packed with ex-cons struggling to get their lives together hardly seems like the safest assignment. What if they don't believe his cover? What if they find out the truth? He could be bashed over the head and no one would give a damn! How could Sonny, a man without an ounce of evil in his body, ever pass for one of them? Sure, he could come off as a little brash sometimes, but not sex offender-levels of it! And how the hell long would he need to be there for, anyway?!

You don't realize that you asked that last part aloud until Sonny responds. "I'm not sure. It all depends on what we can find out and how fast. I hope not too long but who knows..." To say his demeanor is apologetic is an understatement. He isn't any more enthusiastic about this whole thing than you are.

"Why you?!" you protest, half frustrated, half terrified. "Because...because I need you to be careful, Sonny!" The way you say his name is more a desperate plea than an outburst of anger.

"I will! I promise! But I'm still technically the new guy, so it’s kinda on me to take the U.C. assignments no one else wants." And he's right. There's nothing he can do about it. You just have to cherish falling asleep in his arms tonight and pray he stays safe.

-x-

“What about this?” you ask poking your head out of the closet to hold up a tan and green plaid shirt. It’s definitely seen better days.

Sonny turns around from where he’s packing a duffle bag on the bed. “Yeah, that could work,” he agrees. “But where’d ya find it?”

“It was in this box back here labelled ‘Dom’,” you state, parting the dress shirts and suits hanging above your head for a second look.

“That’s dad’s stuff.” Sonny crosses the room and helps you tug the box free from the back corner. “Ma insisted I bring them along when I moved ‘because ya neva know when ya might need ‘em’,” he mocks, attempting his best impersonation of his mother. “I guess she was right.”

“Mothers usually are,” you quip before pulling out a faded pair of thick, denim jeans. “Will these fit?”

Sonny takes the pants to examine their size. “’Should,” he confirms. “They’re from the eighties or somethin’. Dad’s appetite for Ma’s cookin’ sure has made him pack on the pounds over the years…” he chuckles, stretching the waistline back and forth.

“Hey, now! Since I started eating your cooking my jeans fit tighter too!” you say jokingly as you pat your tummy in defence of the Carisi patriarch.

“Jean size doesn’t matter, doll, as long as the heart’s happy ‘n the stomach’s full.” Sonny’s blue eyes lock onto yours, delivering a sincere smile. “And my heart is the happiest it’s ever been.”

Your cheeks flush and you avert your gaze like a bashful teenager. You may not have supermodel proportions, but your heart flutters knowing that Sonny loves you all the same.

The old clothes are the perfect match for Sonny’s alias. Later, as the morning sun trickles through the New York City streets, ‘Dominick Smith’ joins you in the living room clad in an old grey hoodie and his father’s faded jeans. Things are a bit baggy but they’ll do. The two of you spend the next little while rehearsing ‘Smitty’s’ backstory, unnerved that Sonny has to be convincing as someone with such a disgusting past.

“Oh, I almost forgot the ring,” Sonny declares as he jogs to the case-info envelope on the table.

“Huh?” you question as your line of sight follows his movements.

He shakes out a gold wedding band and rejoins you. “Dominick Smith has a missus, rememba? And apparently he wants to better himself so he can go back home to her.”

“Oh, yeah,” you say foolishly, eyes glued to his finger while he delicately slips on the ring. You know it’s stupid, but for a moment your hopes were high and your heart pounded at the inside of your chest. You can’t help but wish the ring was real; that it would symbolize that he is yours forever.

Sonny’s eyes dart between yours and where they’re fixated on his hand. “You okay?” he asks quietly which brings you back to reality.

“Y-yeah,” you manage, forcing a smile.

He then reaches into his pocket and produces a key. “I hope you don’t mind me askin’, but since I dunno how long I’ll be gone for, would ya mind checkin’ in on my place every now and again? Y’know, just ta make sure that no one’s broken in or whateva.”

“Of course, babe,” you reply, accepting the key. But your clouded mind gets the better of you and your eyes widen when you realize your words.

“Babe?” he questions, a mischievous smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“I-uh…” You’ve never called him anything other than ‘Sonny’ since the two of you started dating and you’re just not sure if he’s comfortable with anything different.

However, before you have a chance to articulate an excuse, your Italian detective leans his forehead against yours and sneaks in a swift kiss. “I could get used ta you callin’ me that,” he grins. And you can’t help but giggle. This sweet man keeps giving you more reasons to love him.

With spirits lifted, you stand back and place a hand on your hip before drawing a finger up to your lips to study his appearance.

“What?” Sonny questions, scanning himself over self-consciously.

“Something’s not quite right…” You take a couple steps forward and tangle your fingers in his hair. It’s soft and uncharacteristically floppy without any gel. You continue to muss it up, carding through it and enjoying the texture.

“You done?” he asks, pursing his lips, unamused.

“Almost,” you utter as you poke your tongue out of the corner of your mouth. “There!” You step back to admire your handiwork.

Sonny leans over to glance in the wall mirror. A horrified expression overtakes his features. “What did ya do?!” he exclaims.

You throw your head back and laugh. “I made you look the part a little more, silly!” His dark locks now stick up in multiple directions.

Sonny narrows his eyes and gives you a hard look. However, the slightest of smiles plays at the corner of his mouth and you know he secretly enjoyed it.

Then Sonny’s watch lights up, giving off a beep which catches both your attentions. You know what it means and so does he. It’s time.

Tears begin to rim your eyes. “Please be careful,” you speak in a shaky voice. You wish you could protect him and keep him safe throughout this whole ordeal.

“I will be,” he reassures. “This will all be over soon.” Sonny steps towards you and gathers you in his arms. The two of you lock into an embrace and you feel a squeeze that’s filled with desperation. It’s then that you understand just how nervous Sonny actually is about all this. You hug him a little tighter, both clinging to one another like a life source.

“I love you,” he says lingering his touch along your arms.

“I love you, too.” You lean up and kiss him before burying your face in his chest for one last embrace.

-x-

“On my way home now to shower and change before I have to head back. So, I have a few minutes if you're free." Is what his text reads.

You don't think you've ever made it to Sonny's apartment in such record time. After five days of no contact and being consumed by a worry that made you feel like throw up 24/7, his return lifts a giant weight off your shoulders.

You eagerly knock on the door and a disheveled looking man in the same old grey hoodie and faded blue jeans opens it. His hair is greasy and he looks a little pale, though you suppose nearly a week of cruddy food and shoddy sleep will do that to a person. None of that matters, however, because a large smile of relief spreads across your face from knowing he’s safe and naturally, your first instinct is to jump into his arms.

But this time Sonny stops you. "Don't, doll. I stink,” he scrunches his nose in disgust.

A laugh bubbles free from your chest. "Okay, babe!"

"Lemme go shower 'n brush my teeth, then ya can kiss me," winks Sonny as he welcomes you into his apartment. It seems this undercover gig hasn't completely broken his spirit.

"Hurry up then, stinky!" you chide, hopping onto his couch impatiently.

Sonny runs off in the direction of the bathroom and in no time, you hear the whoosh from the faucet and spray of the shower.

A few minutes later, the water shuts off and a familiar darn it! resonates from within. You smile to yourself knowing exactly the cause and perch over the sofa arm to watch the show.

As predicted, the door opens and a billow of steam releases into the hall. The patter of wet feet follow as Sonny comes scurrying out, darting into the bedroom for clothes. You're about to unleash a cheeky catcall when you notice a large purplish splotch resting above the white towel tied around Sonny's waist. You immediately jump up to intercept him before he can duck back into the bathroom. "What the hell is that?" you demand, tone no longer light and flirty.

"What?" he questions, perplexed.

"That!" you point to his discoloured side.

He contorts to glance in the direction of your finger. "Oh."

You continue to stare him down when he fails to provide an explanation.

"It's nothing, doll," he lies, clutching his clothes to his chest. But your disapproving eyes forces him to confess. "Okay...I got jumped. It wasn't by the guys in the shelter though! It was outside 'n they were targetin' everyone they thought could be a suspect in the most recent assault."

They?! You're suddenly overwhelmed by his close encounter. "Oh my God, Sonny! Are you all right?!" He could have come out of this a whole lot worse.

"Yeah, I'm okay. It'll heal. Actually, it was one of the guys from the shelter who came to my rescue. Who knew..." Sonny's voice trails off as his mind drifts.

But all you care about is Sonny. Focusing on the bruise, you hesitantly reach out and give it a light touch. His skin is warm and damp, yet turns to goosebumps under your fingertips.

Sonny gazes down at you silently and you shift your eyes to meet his. It's only been five days but it feels like a lifetime since you've seen his handsome face. The gentle curve of his lips. The blueness of his eyes. Suddenly he feels so close. Nothing but a towel separates you. Your heart rate picks up as every inch of you aches for the man you love.

"I gotta go get ready.” The tension snaps with Sonny’s soft grin and breathy voice.

"I know," you say reluctantly. "I missed you."

"Missed you too, doll." His left hand finds the back of your neck, cradling your head as he leans down with closed eyes to place a kiss to your lips. Maybe it's the steam from the shower, but it's the type of kiss that makes your insides melt. Then Sonny parts and slips back into the bathroom.

Lightheaded, you make your way back to the couch and sit down. Twenty minutes later the door opens again and the Sonny Carisi you're most familiar with steps out. A three-piece suit and crisp tie. Slicked back hair and smooth cheeks. Though he looks perfect to you, Sonny is still fretting over his hair, combing it back at the temples to work in the last of the gel.

"How do I look?" he inquires, holding his arms out to the sides.

"Handsome as ever!" you give a cheerful smile.

Sonny grins. "Sorry I have ta run, but I need ta get back to the precinct. We've got a major lead in the case."

"All good," you wave dismissively. "I'm just glad you're all right and that I got a chance to see you."

Sonny echoes your sentiments while scurrying around to gather his things. You get up once he starts heading for the door. "I dunno when I'm gonna be back t’night," he frowns. "I'd love ya to stick around but don't wanna keep ya waitin'."

"No worries. Besides, you're gonna need a good night's sleep after almost a week in that place." You smile up at Sonny lovingly and take the apartment key out of your pocket. "Here."

"Nuh-no! That's your copy now, doll." He folds your fingers towards your palm, enclosing the key within.

"Really?" You're ready to burst with joy.

"Really," he confirms with a kiss.

"Well in that case," you smile against his lips, "maybe I'll sneak back in here tonight and we can indulge in some mediocre takeout and bad tv."

"Ya read my mind, doll,” he beams. “Ya read my mind."

Notes: Hope you enjoyed this one! It was originally just going to be angsty but I tried to liven it up a bit with some flirty stuff.

Also, here’s a bit of a preview of what’s next. Let’s just say that there’s trouble in paradise... (Full version up now!)

"Doesn't matter. I want to be with you -" "No." Sonny cuts you off firmly. It's the first time he's raised his voice to you in any way. It shakes you to your core, leaving a horribly sour feeling in the pit of your stomach. You try to dismiss it because you know he's tired and scared but the tears still fall when Sonny hangs up the phone.

#Sonny Carisi #Sonny Carisi x Reader #Sonny Carisi x You #Sonny x Reader #law and order svu #svu fanfic #my fanfic #Sonnyshine of my life #Author may or may not have a thing for hot mess Carisi aka Sonny without gelled hair #Thanks for reading folks #I truly appreciate the notes on my fics #This community is great :)#The Changes verse

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imthehoneyyourethebee · 7 years

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Two & Two Part 5

I know it’s been awhile since I posted something like this. So I hope that you’re excited about this part! I hope it’s not trash @creamystreamy! Just in case I’m gonna always link some shit PART 4----PART 3----PART 2----PART 1

Taya and Bethany sat down with Hoshi, Travis, Malcolm and Trip for breakfast. Trip left a seat open next to him for Bethany. Everyone else at the table seemed to give each other knowing looks as Bethany sat down. None of them had really had the chance to talk to Bethany or Taya. They all had so many questions.

“Bethany you have to tell us, what’s it like being around Vulcans twenty-four seven,” Malcolm asked, glancing up from his breakfast.

“They usually ignored me unless they had to talk to me,” Bethany shrugged. “They’re not as bad as everyone thinks. They don’t communicate that much.”

“Only if it’s logical,” Taya mused as she took a bite out of her bagel. “Otherwise, communication wasn’t initiated.”

“Is it true that you two are apart of Starfleet,” Hoshi questioned with a friendly smile.

“Yup.” Taya nodded, mimicking Hoshi’s smile. “I’m a lieutenant commander and Bethany is a lieutenant.”

“I hope you’re not looking to replace me Bethany,” Malcolm joked.

“Of course not,” Bethany reassured Malcolm. “I’m just here to help out and brush up on my Vulcan; it’s a little rusty.”

“So what are you going to do around here Taya,” Travis asked. “Are you going to be on the bridge?”

“I might,” Taya answered. “As the captain’s yeoman, I’ll need to be there if and when he needs me.” Taya finished her bagel, grabbing Bethany’s orange from her hand. It was normal for Bethany to offer Taya her orange every morning at breakfast.

“What ‘bout you Bethany?” Trip’s eyes fell on Bethany. He couldn’t help the smile that found its way onto his lips. “You’re a science officer aren’t’cha?”

“I was on the Vulcan ship,” Bethany corrected politely. “If there’s a plant that needs to be identified, I’m your girl. I can also identify alien species.”

“Won’t your duties interfere with T’Pol’s,” Hoshi asked.

“I’m hoping it won’t,” Bethany stated nervously. “I’ve had a small amount of herbal medicine training. I could probably help Phlox at some point. I don’t really know where I belong just yet.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out Bethany,” Hoshi assured Bethany.

“It’s about time for your training ladies,” Malcolm pointed out as he stood up and grabbed his tray.

“You can come see me on the bridge afterwards Bethany,” Hoshi noted.

Bethany nodded as she watched Travis, Hoshi, and Malcolm step away from the table. Bethany let out a sigh as she glanced over at Taya. “Today is going to be a nightmare,” Bethany mumbled.

“Always one for dramatics Bethany,” Taya teased as she finished her orange. “I’ll meet you in the armory.” Taya patted her friend’s shoulder.

“I’m sure you’ll do fine Bethany,” Trip spoke up. He should have left to go to engineering, but he wanted a few extra minutes with you. “You’re still goin’ to movie night right?”

Bethany lifted her gaze to look at the commander. He had the most amazing blue eyes. They reminded her of her own blue eyes. Even his blonde hair reminded her of her own hair. There was no denying how handsome he was.

“I was thinking about it,” Bethany admitted. “I think Taya is going to sit with the captain though. Something about how they should get to know each other better if she is his yeoman.”

“Well you should come and see the movie,” Trip suggested. “One of my favorites. It’s hard to beat Frankenstein.” Trip’s hand rested gently on your arm. “Ya can sit next to me. I promise I won’t spoil the movie.”

“That does sound like a tempting offer,” Bethany joked. How could she pass up such a great opportunity? “Count me in Trip.” You pushed away from the table, taking your tray with you.

Trip wore a wide grin on his face as he left the table. Nothing could wipe this grin off of the engineer’s face.

Bethany wasn’t as good at hitting targets as Taya was. Taya had gone to a school with an ROTC program. She knew how to handle weapons far better than Bethany did. Taya had more of a naval experience than Bethany did as well.

“Bethany try to aim at the targets and focus on them; pretend like we aren’t even here,” Malcolm instructed. He watched Bethany carefully as she only hit a few of the targets. The lieutenant leaned towards Taya. “Has she always been this awful?”

“Ever since I can remember,” Taya chuckled, crossing her arms. “Her dad tried to teach her, but she never liked guns that much.”

Bethany let out a huff of frustration as the targets disappeared. A score of 3 targets per minute was pathetic for a lieutenant. Then again, she had never needed a phase pistol. “I give up for today,” Bethany mumbled. She handed Malcolm the phase pistol in defeat.

Malcolm handed the phase pistol to Taya. “Show me what you’ve got lieutenant commander.” Malcolm folded his arms across his chest as he stepped back to start the program.

Taya smirked as she straightened her stance, holding the pistol as if she was back in training. “Watch and learn Beth,” Taya mused. As the targets appeared, Taya hit most of them with ease. Of course Taya wasn’t perfect; she did miss a few targets.

Malcolm ended the program. “That was impressive Taya,” Malcolm praised. “I’ll let the captain know about your progress. I think it’s safe to say you don’t need any training with the phase pistol.” Malcolm glanced at Bethany, giving her a sympathetic look. “You’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

“I understand. I’ll be back tomorr-.”

“Taya and Bethany to the bridge,” the captain spoke through the comm link.

“That must be our cue to leave,” Taya stated with a smile. “Thanks Malcolm.” Taya tapped Bethany’s arm. “Let’s get going.”

After a busy day, Taya and Bethany were ready for movie night. Taya took the seat next to Archer and Bethany took the seat next to Trip. Archer smiled at Taya and Trip smiled at Bethany. Almost the whole crew was there for movie night.

“I hope you’re ready for an old movie,” Archer whispered to Taya. “Trip’s a fan of the classics. The kind that should have stayed in some kind of movie archive where no one would find it.”

“Terrible effects huh,” Taya guessed, getting a small chuckle from the captain.

“You have no idea.” Archer straightened his back as the lights dimmed.

Trip grabbed a small bowl from under his chair. It was filled with cheese popcorn. The engineer caught the surprised look on your face. “I might’ve asked Taya what your favorite movie snack was,” Trip confessed with a grin. “This is the only bowl of cheese popcorn in space.”

“That’s sweet Trip, thanks,” Bethany smiled. She plucked a piece of popcorn and tossed it into her mouth. “No one’s ever made special popcorn for me.”

Trip’s smile grew as the movie started. He was glad that he could do something for Bethany that no one else had before. He was even happier that she smiled. Trip was quickly growing fond of her smile.

After the movie, Taya and Archer walked in front of Trip and Bethany who were talking about the movie. Taya knew you would be talking about the movie for the rest of the night. How would she get any sleep with your chatter?

“Looks like Trip’s movie has captured Bethany’s interest,” Archer mused, his hands held behind his back as he walked.

“Bethany has a fascination with old movies, old music, vintage clothing,” Taya pointed out. “I’m not surprised that she found Frankenstein to be interesting.”

“Your quarters were right next to Bethany’s on the Vulcan ship,” Archer recalled from when he read your previous assignment details. “I’m sure you’re not used to sharing your quarters.”

“We’ve done it before. When we were still in Starfleet Academy,” Taya divulged. “Bethany was the first person I knew. She’s great at what she does.”

“I’m sure,” Archer nodded. “I hope I’m not overstepping boundaries, but if you don’t mind, I’d like you to stay with me tonight. We’ll be passing rather closely towards Klingon space and I might need you around.”

Taya’s cheeks flushed a dark pink. “It’s my duty as your yeoman to be at your side,” Taya affirmed nervously. “I don’t mind at all.” She knew Bethany would be okay. Bethany had Trip; maybe he could be of some help with her restlessness.

Bethany overheard the end of Taya’s and Archer’s conversation. She flashed Trip a smile as he talked about the movie. Bethany never liked to be alone at night. When she was on the Vulcan ship, Taya was always in the room next to her. Now she was going to be across the ship. She didn’t mind, but she did feel slightly anxious and Trip could tell. Before Bethany could smack her head into one of the metal bulkheads, Trip pulled her away from it.

“You should probably watch where you’re goin’ Bethany,” Trip smiled. “I would hate to have’ta take ya to sickbay this late at night.”

“Sorry I was distracted,” Bethany stammered, noticing that Taya and Archer had already departed.

Trip gingerly held on to Bethany’s arms as he stopped in his tracks. “Is everythin’ okay Bethany,” the commander asked. “I didn’t do anythin’ wrong did I?”

“No no,” Bethany replied, shaking her head. “Of course not. I just… You’re gonna think this is stupid.” She dipped her head briefly before meeting Trip’s gaze. “I just get a little anxious at night. I usually either talk myself to sleep or I just don’t sleep.”

“I know we don’t know each other well, but maybe ya wouldn’t mind stayin’ with me,” Trip offered kindly. “I’d feel better knowin’ ya won’t be up all night, anxious and what not.”

“Are you sure I won’t bother you with all my talking,” Bethany asked.

“Actually I wouldn’t mind gettin’ta know the real Bethany.” Trip led you towards his quarters. “The Bethany behind the science.”

“She’s not that exciting,” Bethany joked.

“Nonsense,” Trip protested with a warm smile. “Besides I wanna know what’cha think ‘bout other kinds of movies.”

That night the crew of the starship Enterprise safely passed by Klingon space. Taya and Archer slept comfortably side by side, while Trip and Bethany slept close and in each other’s arms. It was the first night that either of the two had spent the night in the quarters of the men they found attractive. They were sure it wouldn’t be the last.

#two & Two #trip tucker #my space husband #Jonathan Archer #oh captain my captain #Taya

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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs: 4.8.2017, 4.7.2007

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and ten years ago this week.

4.7.2007

46) "Everything," Michael Buble

So, I'm not a smoker, right? Never have been, never will be. But there are times, y'know, when I'll just be sitting at home, and I'll think, "Man. I could really go for a cigarette!" I have neighbors who smoke pretty intensely, and sometimes I'll catch a whiff of that cigarette smell, and by golly, that's a sense memory trigger for me, brings me right on back to childhood, those summer nights driving home from bell choir practice, playing the alphabet game with my sisters while Mom took in a Marlboro Light. The scent and the memory hits, and gosh-darn, a cigarette sounds really good! And... then I'll catch that second whiff? And I'll be reminded, oh yeah, fuck that. I don't need something that gross in my life. This is what Michael Buble is to me, is a cigarette. I think about crooners, and I think, yeah, soothing voice, classy love songs, probably wearing a suit. Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, yeah. Yeah a crooner in 2017 sounds nice. But then I hear a Michael Buble song, and I'm reminded, oh dear. Oh, no, I never wanted this, I just liked the idea of this, all those old dudes beat their wives I’m pretty sure, the reality is awful!

67) "Wait for You," Elliott Yamin

This is significantly less funky than "Movin' On." This was the first real single, right? That's kind of dumb. We could have been doing so much more with Elliott Yamin than giving him this ballad and saying "make this more than it is!" And he does, the only reason this song hits is dude's voice, but what a disappointing use of this voice! "Movin' On" was such a tasty jam, but you're telling me the vision of Elliott Yamin you wanted to share with the world was "more talented Clay Aiken?" FOH. There's a version of Elliott Yamin's career where he gets to jam out for a few years, THEN he takes a residency in Vegas and only releases songs like this. Instead, we get the darkest timeline, Yamin releasing one ballad and then releasing several albums in Japan only. "Katy" is a dope track only Japan gets to buy! How? How did this get screwed up so bad!

72) "Lost in This Moment," Big & Rich

here's a fun and easy way to improve this song: make it about literally any other fucking moment in the relationship than the one where you are codifying your love in the eyes of the law and your god. literally, any other one. like that's what makes "cupid's chokehold" so great, is the little moments that the dude recounts. it's not just the sunrise in her eyes, y'know? she's making pancakes. she calls you and the ringtone you have for her plays. you're talking on the phone, and you look at the clock and realize it's been three hours. he draws a unique relationship with these mundane moments that make him step back and say "wow," and it reinforces how excited he is to be in that relationship. this is stating the obvious. "ah geez, person i'm literally getting married to right now, i sure love you." great. thanks. thanks for sharing. it would've sure sucked if you didn't.

83) "Tell Me 'Bout It," Joss Stone

So right from the go, I'ma show you this Stone, and I'ma make sure you really want me to try to squeeze blood from it. You sure? It's a reasonably funky Stone, perfectly acceptable, and I don't mind its presence in my life, but I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna be able to squeeze any blood from it. I can give it my best if you desire! I'ma tell you right now, I'm doubtful I can do much with it.

95) "Who Knew," Pink

Another song that is more or less fine! Pink's great. This is probably the 14th-best Pink song. She gives it her all, and by gum is Pink's B-game better than almost anyone else's A-game, but you see I have, like, this point to prove with Jordan Pruitt? I'm not sure what that point is, but I'd very much like to make it. Ah, but then, there are optics to consider. Because if "Who Knew" isn't the one who ends the out-of-nowhere miracle run of Jordan Pruitt, it would almost certainly be Breaking Benjamin. "Breath" is a song which drops next week, it's a song I've been loving for ten years, and it would be impossible for me to justify keeping a song I've been loving for so long out of the Top 20. But "Breath" is also kinda self-serious and unfun, it's not a "cool" song to like, and it would be cruel to bounce Jordan Pruitt because this white boy can't help but love some melodic hard rock. It’s also gonna be shitty to bump Pink, but at least Pink has, like, another song in the Top 20, and also a full-ass career of hits. /sighs/ The dream is over. Again: I’m not sure what dream, but it’s over.

97) "Moments," Emerson Drive

yeah okay great. great. way to be humans of new york in song form. "homeless people have stories!" well fuck me then, i thought that homeless dude just went outside one day and didn't stop. i've been so naive.

The top 20, now with no teens trying to survive life as an outcast: 20) "Who Knew," by Pink (4.7.2007) 19) "Like a Boy," by Ciara (3.17.2007) 18) "Grace Kelly," by MIKA (2.17.2007) 17) "Get it Shawty," by Lloyd (3.31.2007) 16) "Break 'Em Off," by Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe (3.10.2007) 15) "My Oh My," by The Wreckers (1.27.2007) 14) "Mr. Jones," by Mike Jones (1.27.2007) 13) "Settlin'," by Sugarland (2.17.2007) 12) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 11) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 10) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 9) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 8) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 7) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 6) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 5) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 4) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 3) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 2) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 1) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007)

4.8.2017

8) "Passionfruit," by Drake 9) "Portland," by Drake ft./Quavo & Travis Scott 18) "Free Smoke," by Drake 29) "Gyalchester," by Drake 35) "Teenage Fever," by Drake 36) "Sacrifices," by Drake ft./2 Chainz & Young Thug 38) "Blem," by Drake 40) "No Long Talk," by Drake ft./Giggs 45) "Get it Together," by Drake ft./Jorja Smith & Black Coffee 48) "KMT," by Drake ft./Giggs 49) "Jorja Interlude," by Drake 50) "4422," by Drake ft./Sampha 51) "Madiba Riddim," by Drake 54) "Glow," by Drake ft./Kanye West 60) "Do Not Disturb," by Drake 61) "Nothings Into Somethings," by Drake 62) "Ice Melts," by Drake ft./Young Thug 64) "Lose You," by Drake 70) "Since Way Back," by Drake ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR 76) "Skepta Interlude," by Drake 82) "Can't Have Everything," by Drake

...the whole thing. i'm go -- okay, see, and i can't ignore this, because three other dudes had songs make their debut, also i have NOT listened to 1997 yet like that seems too big, but i thought, the whole thing? no way! it's 21 whole songs, minus the one that already debuted! i underestimated how much love people have for drake, and god bless 'em, i'm glad they found something in this cruel and random world they can rely on. this isn't good? this isn't good. drake is still very famous and very sad about everything. it's the dullest fucking topic in the world. like i guess i liked "get it together" alright enough, and of course i thought "ice melts" was dope (young thug elevates things a billion fold with his array of delightful mouth noises), but like i don't care? about any of these songs? and like i don't like that i'm complaining about drake a week after saying i didn't have any complaints about ed sheeran, but if i'm assigning every ed sheeran song a grade and every drake song a grade, they get a C- and a D+, respectively, but 70% is a C- and 69% is a D+. it's pretty much the same, one just looks okayer than the other. i just, i don't care. i can just not care, right? like, i don't hate this, i don't like this, this is something i've listened to for this project which assigns homework. 21 fucking drake songs. this is the last time, right? like, the last time i have to listen to a whole album i don't want to listen to for the sake of listening to every song which debuted on the hot 100 in 2017? fuck, man.

i'm sorry. like i mean i didn't go in expecting to be this bored, i want to like everything, this is the YAS project after all, and i know people had positive things to say about this, like everything i heard about this album said, "Yeah, Drake's fine! This is his best in years!" i thought it could be cool! i wasn't dreading the 80 minutes of drake i'd required myself to take in, but christ, that's a lot of drake. that is entirely too much drake for one sitting, and i, i can't, y'know? i tried, but, it's this.

88) "At My Best," by Machine Gun Kelly ft./Hailee Steinfeld

Well alright, this was surprisingly okay! Not Top 20 material this late in the game, certainly not if "Ice Melts" isn't, I'm not gonna ride too hard for a song about how hard Machine Gun Kelly worked to be the fourth-best white rapper in the game, but if you're the fourth-best white rapper, that usually means you're at least listenable. The hook is structured around the biggest cliche possible in 2017, Hailee Steinfeld sells it well enough. It's a bit over-produced, but it never feels too stuffed to soar. Not bad! Legitimately, just good enough to not be bad! I can see the headlines now: Pop Song Performed Capably, Not Hated by Millions.

97) "Trap Trap Trap," by Rick Ross ft./Young Thug & Wale

Is this the most conventional verse Young Thug has ever had? Like I've never heard Young Thug just rapping for this long a period of time, but I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I've consumed every single Young Thug tape. There's nary a mouth noise to be heard! It is oddly fitting, though, that Young Thug would be at his most traditional on a Rick Ross track, Rick Ross being maybe the most average rapper still going. Like of course Rick Ross would just drop a song called "Trap Trap Trap," we're not expecting serious artistic breakthroughs from Rick Ross, who would expect that, why do you expect dumb things, nah this is kind of a perfect Rick Ross song. It's enjoyable and disposable.

98) "Swalla," by Jason Derulo ft./Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign

BLESS JASON DERULO AND HIS COMMITMENT TO MAKING ABSOLUTELY THE DUMBEST SHIT ON EARTH. No joke, I'm into this. Let's recap what we've been given these last three weeks: 3.25: 10 Ed Sheeran songs 4.1: 3 Nicki Minaj songs (and “Chanel!”) 4.8: 21 Drake songs THIS IS SUCH A TREAT AFTER WHAT WE’VE BEEN THROUGH (”CHANEL” EXCLUDED)! I mean, listen, is Jason Derulo a complete skeezeball? Yes. Could any Jason Derulo song be one tenth as horny and still be several orders of magnitude hornier than any other song on the chart? Absolutely. But this is upbeat and hella stupid and I am mostly into this trash. I mean I'm not 100% down with Jason Derulo offering his cum as refreshment, like hey guy maybe just get her some water, but this song is upbeat and I remember it five minutes after hearing it and it has an outlook on life that isn't, "this is the worst." Jason Derulo is just a ridiculous man who is too into blow-jobs, and goddamnit, I appreciate him.

The current Top 20: 20) "Way Down We Go," by Kaleo (1.14) 19) "Swalla," by Jason Derulo ft./Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign (4.8) 18) "Everyday," by Ariana Grande ft./Future (3.4) 17) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih (2.25) 16) "Draco," by Future (3.11) 15) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 14) "Good Drank," by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 13) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 12) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 11) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 10) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 9) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 8) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 7) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 6) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 5) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 4) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) I hate that only 9 of these 11 tracks feature women in some form while there’s even one Jason Derulo song in the Top 20, like why couldn’t i like that marian hill thing more. how did mariah carey release a song this year but i got a fucking big sean track in the top 20. what am i doing here.

Who won?

I mean no one won. I think 2017 somehow ended up with the better offerings. That’s the thing about boring; it’s never great, but it’s never outright terrible, either, and three of 2007′s entrants are complete failures. All the Drake songs were the same boring-ass Drake song that’s ever been, but none of them were “Moments.” It’s not an inspiring win for 2017, but evidently there’s new Iggy Azalea, so it’ll take what it can get as long as it can get it.

Current standings: 2017: 1 2007: 1

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