#gomder: it's like gender but it's bigger and its feet are webbed

[chickenfreeblog]

hi chicken, I really like and admire your androgynous (is that the best word? is there a different one you prefer) vibe and was wondering if you had any advice on how to like embody that and how to get other people to see you that way too instead of like “x dressing like y” you know? thanks!!

hi! fair enough I know it’s late and it’s probably not like a one liner (though you’re very good at those), I guess both online and irl? obviously online like here it’s so much easier but I know you also mentioned like even from a young age people looking at you and going ??okay?? I also wanted to clarify I meant math x&y not like gendery x&y

thanks chicken!!

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hey pal!! this is a really interesting question, and i’ll try to answer it in some way that’s kinda useful? i think a lot of it is just kinda something you have to feel out, but we’re gonna take a stab at it! more (...a lot more) under the cut:

irl: a mess. a clown show. this is mostly luck mixed with havoc? i think i lucked out body-wise and also with the fact that my parents just did not really bother with enforcing any gender stuff and i just... ended up with real ambiguous taste in everything. my friends also gave me a real ambiguous nickname, which i think helps a lot? 

jhkgfsh i really feel like i don’t have good advice on this one because my answer is just “well why do you have that cursed amulet (a gender) in the first place” which probably isn’t that useful!! um um um..... maybe if you have someone you feel comfortable with, try talking it out with them to see like, how they perceive you & where you could change course?

i don’t think the clothes thing is 100% and i know you said you don’t want to feel like you’re dressing up as something else, which i totally get. at the same time, i think every outfit feels like dress up until you’ve gotten comfortable with it, and then it’s just your clothes? i think people can pick up on how confident you are, so maybe that’s still something that’s worth playing with? also people really have a... range of sensitivity to gender stuff. i’ve met some people who will just assign one and stick with it no matter what you fuckin do, and some people who will go into a tailspin over like, a little bit of nail polish or something. if you get weird reactions to any of it, it doesn’t necessarily reflect anything you’re actually doing? a lotta times it’s people just having their own wack ass journey & projecting on whoever walks past, so don’t take individual reactions too seriously?

on that front too – i think androgyny is just fuckin tough. i feel like there’s this idea that like, if you just have your presentation worked out a certain way it’s gonna work 99% of the time and you’re gonna live like an instagram model. i think in reality though like...... a ton of people out in the world just feel more comfortable if they can categorize someone in a binary way? they might pick up on little cues & it might just feel impossible to do with your body or your name or what’s in your closet, and that’s really not on you, so maybe thinking of what parts of that presentation will you happy rather than what people will vibe with is more helpful? even as someone who historically can slip through, i’ve definitely had the experience of like going out thinking that my carefully crafted Magic Girl Gender is absolutely perfect and then just talking to some rando who’s like I’m Gonna Fuck Up This Little Queer’s Whole Deal By Calling Them Sir hjkgdfshjk. it just.... is a thing that happens and i’m not sure that there’s a magic stage where it really stops. i don’t say that to scare you off at all, but just legit i wish i had some fucking warning sometimes. 

also get a weird name that’s just like a noun or a random syllable. that’s my other tip. once your name is “grog (the caveperson)” you’ll definitely raise a lot of gender questions.

online: i feel like online is largely about setting boundaries, which is fun? people only have the information you give them, so you can kinda force them into confusion if that’s what brings you joy. 

i reeeeeally hate the fact that people will see selfies or even just vague genderedish info about someone who’s afab or amab and be like “cool!!! got my gender answer then!!” but.... i will say that i think people do seem to enjoy categorizing that way, and there is definitely a tendency to jump to conclusions? it kind of forces people to decide between saying really limited info vs. being perceived as their gender, which absolutely fucking sucks, but i do think that just limiting what you say or post a little bit can go a long way? (i really hate giving this advice tbh because it suuucks and puts it on the person who’s having the gender vs the people making assumptions. but also you gotta live with their assumptions and i think it’s okay to decide to protect yourself a little if that feels right).

other than boundaries... idk? i think if you have experiences from like, both sides of the gender coin, i actually find it really nice to be able to just talk about whatever without censoring and giving caveats about how it’s Weird that i’ve experienced something?

i think w the boundaries you’ll probably experience pushback and people making assumptions and definitely it can feel weird to be the one person who’s withholding info in your group of friends, but i’ve also made really good friends who get it & have been really really really kind and thoughtful, so! i think it’s worth trying!!

in conclusion:

#anon #ask #i hope some of that is useful in there!! if you wanna talk more feel free to send asks or dm me or anything #i only know my experience but always happy to try to help? #gomder: it's like gender but it's bigger and its feet are webbed

[chickenfreeblog]

hey mind helping with more gender crap? i've known i'm trans for a really long time, hell i've even had top surgery and started low dose t. but for some reason i'm terrified of changing my name?? i know the majority of people around me are open minded and would be supportive but i'm just so scared. i think part of it is that i really don't have any close friends that i can talk to about it and maybe try a new name+pronouns with. also although i’m very masc presenting i’m not sure if i want to be seen as a “man”. i know in english i can just use they/them but where i live gender neutral language isn’t really a thing. and eventually if/when enough physical changes take place (mainly voice) i feel i’ll be kinda forced to change it as it’s definitely gendered (a nickname/short version won’t work for all situations). thoughts?

oh gosh, that’s a tough one, and i’m sorry it sounds like you’re struggling a little with all this!! i’m gonna split it up? (also putting this under a cut bc i love tippy tapping)

pronouns etc: i think...... there’s this whole thing where people conflate pronouns with Gender in a way that doesn’t make much sense to me? like, idk. i was passing back & forth before they/them was a common thing, and even now i feel like pronouns don’t really capture how i feel about gender all that well. i think you can kinda shape people’s perspectives with pronouns, but..... you can use binary pronouns and still be Outside of that identity, you know what i mean?? idk if i’m explaining this right lmao. i don’t know what language you’re working with so it’s hard to say any specifics, but i think even in a really gendered language you can switch back & forth and still have a meaningful relationship with nonbinary language? i think you have to negotiate what “being a man” means to you in your life, but even if you’re using masculine language you don’t have to be A Man if it’s not something you enjoy imo.

name stuff: honestly i feel kinda the same about names!! if you have a name in mind that you’re excited about, great, maybe it’s time to test it online somewhere or something, even if you’re not comfortable talking about it in real life? 

also - i think names can be really intimidating bc it’s such a public thing, but if sounds like you’ve had some pretty public experiences already & haven’t hated it, so i don’t think it necessarily needs to be someone you’re really close with? i think the first person who noticed last time i change my name was like. a random guy at work that i kinda know but would never in a million years bring up gender around on purpose jhkgfs.

if you don’t have a name you’re stoked on though – hm. i feel like there’s this thing that’s kind of like the pronouns thing, where there’s a ton of pressure on trans people to pick The Right Name and find one that captures their whole gender and has a good meaning and sounds nice and on and on and on. plus people treat it as this big Life Event, where you have to do it if you want to be trans longterm!! and it’s like.... i mean..... cis people are out there getting named Greg because their parents thought it sounded cool when they heard it in a TV show. you know what i mean? most people have shitty names that they only got because they were kinda popular in like 1998 or whatever. if you’re just like “ugh, this name isn’t great but it’s fine, i don’t feel like changing it” i think that’s totally reasonable honestly?? 

i might be really missing the mark, but from the way you talk about it, it sounds like it’s less.... that you Want to change your name and more just like.... it’s an inevitable thing that has to happen, and i don’t think it should feel like that? if you do feel like you want to pick a random ass name just because it raises less questions, that’s totally cool, but i don’t think it has to be something that you force if it makes you miserable to think about. 

also... i mean, personally i have like eight names that get rotated around depending on who i’m talking to hgjfds. sometimes it gets kooky, but if you’re feeling like the name change is just too permanent and big, don’t feel like you have to stick with the choice you have now for the rest of your life?

i hope some of that helps a little, idk!! good luck out there, and i’d love to hear updates!! <3

#gomder: it's like gender but it's bigger and its feet are webbed #anon #ask

[chickenfreeblog]

hi if this is too personal or it doesn't really apply to you, feel free to just ignore, but i'm just trying to ask people who miiiight have any experience with what i'm dealing with atm. which is gender identity and relationships... so yeah, i've been in a relationship for almost two years, and i guess you could say that i've changed my gender presentation quite a bit in that time, and now i think i wanna try using they/them pronouns and also maybe change my name. and for some reason i find(1/2)

i find it so hard to talk about this with my partner. like i have no specific reason to think this will be a dealbreaker or affect us that much, but i also don't have a reason to not think that if you know what i mean. we can talk about almost anything, but there's something about my insecurity about all this in general + not having it figured out that makes it so hard. do you have any advice at all?? (also btw i've identified as a cis woman until now) (2/2)

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oh gosh buddy, i’m sorry you’re going through this! honestly jay and i are terrible at talking about gender in ✨identity✨ ways so i don’t have a ton of hands on advice on how to have that conversation? a couple thoughts though:

1) i’m not sure how much you’ve talked about trans people or nonbinary people in the past, but maybe you could talk about related topics to see their feelings? i feel like some cis people are like.. aware of binary trans people but don’t really know anything about nonbinary people, just because it’s relatively new terminology, so it might be worth trying to feel out where they’re at?

2) i don’t say this to freak you out or anything at all, but if you live together or share a car or anything, have some kinda backup plan in case you do feel like you need to bail? this is an anti-living-with-your-ex blog. 

3) on the total flip - i think in my experience most people are more perceptive than i expect? (or i’m just super mega dumb. both possible ngl.) but like.... since it sounds like you’ve already made some steps, making more steps may not be a big deal or even really surprising? if that helps get your brain over the potential shock-and-awe factor?

4) one thing i kinda always remind myself is... i can’t expect understanding 100% of the time, but i think i can expect kindness? like, not everyone is gonna grasp the terms or totally understand the nuances of your experience or anything; even if they’re great, it’s just tough to get there. but i think if someone is worth keeping around longterm, they’ll understand that there’s gonna be life changes, and they’ll be open to talking through it and trying to figure out how this new thing works? to me that just isn’t a super high bar; i’ve seen some real fuckheads clear that just because i know they awkwardly read some wikipedia articles in topics they don’t know a damn thing about. it might take time for it to really feel comfortable having a coherent talk about it, but i think if your partner is worth keeping, they’ll want to understand you better anyways? 

ermm yeah that’s all i’ve got rn. i hope some of this helps bud, this sounds like an intense time! also keep me updated if you want to?? if anyone else has advice about talking about gender with your partner, feel free to add in?

#anon #ask #gomder: it's like gender but it's bigger and its feet are webbed