#get fucking market gardened satan
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there needs to be more video game creepypastas that end with the writer being a fucking gamer and beating the demonic entity purely with skill
like i dont care if it doesnt count as a creepypasta anymore i wanna see the writer fucking market garden the shit out of a tf2 demon or something
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STON POET - FUCK THE GOVERNMENT (IM BUCKING)
/ Pistol yeah Im clutching
Keep a weapon tucked man
Something outta Nothing
Fuck the government , Im bucking
Im bucking , Im bucking / *2
These celebs , ain't shit
Slave's ta Set
Yeah Satan
Don't chase being famous , Always put that work in
Its about progression , No more being stress man
Toking no depression
High off life , No regretting
Haters be like racists , Every chance Im taking
Tryna be patience , but no time get wasted
Life be so hard , Just Gotta Face it
/ Pistol yeah Im clutching
Keep a weapon tucked man
Something outta Nothing
Fuck the government , Im bucking
Im bucking , Im bucking /*2
Chose ta be ah target
Humans like ah market
My soul ain't for bargain
So hungry , I was starving
Spirits We departing
Righteous Souls , Gone be pardon
Hadda take my mind back , Big Pharma had my soul black
My poetry Ah Garden , They wearing women's Garments
Being fake is foreign
Hard work gone beat talent
Opening up ah passage
Pistol yeah Im clutching
Keep a weapon tucked man
Something outta Nothing
Fuck the government , Im bucking
Im bucking , Im bucking
My poetry Ah Garden
Chose ta be ah target
Humans like ah market
My soul ain't for bargain
These celebs , ain't shit
Slave's ta Set
Yeah Satan
Hadda take my mind back , Big Pharma had my soul black
Life be hard , Just Face It
Chose ta be ah target
Humans like ah market
My soul ain't for bargain
Spirits We departing
Righteous Souls , Get pardon
Hadda take my mind back , Big Pharma had my soul black
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Ghost OC Week - Day 1
A thanks to @ghostbcfandomevents for putting this together!
Both of us have decided to join in on the fun with this so this post might be a touch long as it includes our main four OCs that we’re currently writing fics for behind the scenes. Are they all chaotic bisexuals in relationships together? Yes. And we love them. Their descriptions are below the cut.
April 3rd - Introductions - Who is this character? What do they look like? What inspired you to make them?
Vesper Harley
Pastoress of a small monastery located in Lozère, France. Though initially from California, she was transferred around a lot after her training due to her background in botany and the clergy’s need for difficult to cultivate herbs for summoning rituals. Her monastery is essentially a farm and small no pressure rehabilitation retreat. The retreat was initially created in response to overindulgent ghouls whose excessive lives brought them far too close to a permanent death. These days the monastery is also open to siblings of sin and the general public who wish to combat addiction without the religious guilt that comes with certain rehab groups. Their monastery is rather self-sustaining and even manages to bring in a bit of a profit with their booths at local farmers markets where they sell their jams, jellies and honey. She is currently married to a large golden retriever of a man who happens to be a cardinal.
Appearance wise she screams stereotypical innocent girl next door. She’s all red hair and freckles, petite as all get out and a good foot shorter than her husband. She rarely wears her formal church clothes due to the time she spends in the gardens or working with the more unstable newly summoned ghouls. She only really puts all that on if she’s doing official church work, dressing to impress or helping with their stands at the local markets.
Not gonna lie, made her as a trap for Copia. The plot involving her and her husband revolves around the very much a Catholic priest at the time Copia who gradually comes to acknowledge and accept the growing feelings he has for the couple as he deals with how they conflict with his current faith. Did I mention it’s also partly a horror story? The farm isn’t entirely what it seems.
Varg Viking
Cardinal and not originally of the Church of Ghost, Varg and his unfortunate name resides with his Pastoress wife in Lozère, France. Varg was originally sworn into another satanic church, but through a series of visits to foster good relations with the Church of Ghost, he came to join the latter and climb the ranks, ultimately reaching the rank of Cardinal. Beyond his clerical and administrative duties, he helps run his wife’s monastery, keeping ghouls in check and running the farm connected to the monastery. When he’s not locked in his office he can usually be found tilling the fields or teaching ghouls how to behave.
Varg looks the Scandinavian stereotype. Blond, blue eyed, so white he glows in the sun, built like a brick shithouse covered in shag carpet, he very much lives up to his surname. While he might seem intimidating at first glance with his tattooed arms, barrel chest, beer keg belly and wild, braided hair, he’s incredibly chill and kind. His wife has him wrapped around her finger, and he likes her too much to really object or put up a fight. Occasionally Varg’s cheerful disposition slips, however, and he’s the emotional type.
He’s a self-insert ok. That's it. He’s the ideal me but souped up and indulgent as fuck. I’m not ashamed to admit this. Sue me.
Lola Sotelo
Just your everyday broke librarian using what little knowledge she has of book repairing to make an extra buck. Essentially she’s bounced around from small town library to small town library before deciding she’d had enough of her home country. She booked a one way flight to Sweden and left all her troubles behind. Unfortunately, things don’t always work out like they do in the movies and she’s starting to run out of cash fast. After seeing a vague wanted ad in the local paper she found herself at the Church of Ghost to repair some books in some serious need of some love. She has no idea that the church is Satanic and just believes that they’re a secretive order of some Catholic sect and slowly over time comes to realize that not all is what it seems.
She’s pretty average when it comes to her looks. Brown hair, dark eyes, glasses, thick as all get out but pretty much flat chested. Tanned skin due to her Hispanic lineage. Her professional dress is essentially corporate goth while her more casual attire leans towards punk.
I uh wanted to make her because I am a librarian and I am somewhat tired of the usual sexy librarian stereotype and endless library sex, especially in this fandom. You all have never had to pry deli meat out of books or clean unknown, hopefully chocolate based brown stains off books and it shows. Besides that, the stereotype has genuinely negatively affected my life (Seriously, it leads to a lot of sexual harassment of librarians. Like I’m not trying to guilt anyone I just want to point it out) and I just want to see a librarian that is having none of that. Seriously there will be no fucking in this library. No bodily fluids on the books, you heathens. She’s a self insert too.
Tefra
Ghoul twice summoned, once by brute force, the other actually intended. Unusually quiet and collected for a ghoul of the hotter element, he’s one of the older ghoul-kin to be found in the Church.
He was summoned in his current form by Papa I, and has since worked his way from being a lowly multighoul, doing menial tasks such as cleaning and cooking, to being in charge of the kennels. Given his origin, he has a natural command over the… guard dogs, kept at Borgholms Slott to ensure the Papas and their progeny are protected. Tef has a reputation of being one of the more friendly ghouls, the type siblings of sin can safely associate with without risking accidental dismemberment or getting dicked into oblivion. And, given his responsibilities, Tef is often assigned to escort visitors and to make sure no-one that’s not supposed to be in the castle is in the castle. He does his best to understand humans so he can socialize with them, but there are still many aspects of human behavior and customs he doesn’t quite understand. He’d old, leave him alone.
Tefra looks like any other ghoul, depending on the era. Physically he’s large, rivaling Aether, with enough muscle to control and contain several dogs at once. He is Beef Incarnate (can you tell I have a type). Big boy. Chunky. T H I C C C C C C.
Tef was originally made to be the ghoul companion to Lola, but I’ve managed to flesh him out a bit more, to fit our AU/imagined canon type deal.
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Top 15 things to have happened in Garden Parties and Murder.
Nieyao never becoming a thing even though they are fucking each others brains out constantly. Bonus point for Nie Mingjue never making the I see us together talk and just groping Meng Yao’s ass into a relationship with him.
Lawyer Nie Mingjue needing to consult with Lan Xichen reclusive law guru on a case, and sending a small archive to him (by small i mean a whole taxi of it) with Meng Yao. Meng Yao plastered to the door of the taxi in the scorching heat amidst cases full of files. The elevator in Xichen’s city dwelling is broken so overachiever Meng Yao brings all of the archive on the sixth floor by hand. Of course his tongue has reached the floor after that. He rings the doorbell and loosely robed Xichen opens, inviting him in for a refreshment. Procceeds to do a whole yoga routine in front him wearing a tiny satin robe and nothing underneath. Meng Yao sits on Lan Xichen’s velvet couch, sipping ice tea from a can and having multiple strokes.
Huaisang seducing Meng Yao by taking him on cute shopping and eating out dates, while convincing him that Mingjue doesn’t really see him as a boyfriend. All that so he wouldn’t have to split the inheritance if Mingjue made Meng Yao his official partner. He is Satan in this, it’s very funny. He does a Lot of Shady Shit, including pushing drugs to Jin Ling, and extorting people with sex videos. They have a very nice scene together at a club dancing together, while Meng Yao is like this is being gay in public, I can’t do it. And Huaisang being all embrace yourself.
Nie Mingjue burning all of Meng Yao’s things in the garden after he finds out, Meng Yao literally scream running aways from his residence and bumping onto bike riding Xichen (who comes to deliver a file), who gets hit by a car and has to be taken to the hospital.
Meng Yao becoming mafia boss Wen Ruohan’s...accountant. Eventually falling into a relationship with him, where he is totally grossed out by his self, but not being able to put a stop to it, until he accidentally strangles him during sex. Some truly virtuosic writing when I describe how he and Xue Yang cut up the body in pieces - keep the head- and toss them at the garbage at the meat market, while Jiggy is crying and apologizing to Mr. Ru.
Meng Yao getting shot, thinking he is dying, while Mingjue holds him crying (mafia shenanigans, they think accountant Jiggy is feeding information to lawyer mingjue against the mob)...I’ve somehow turned that into a funny moment because after Jiggy blacks out he sees his father asking him who he is and gets very upset and starts yelling at him. But these are the paramedics trying to keep him awake. That’s how it is discovered he is...Jin Guangshan’s long lost son!
An amazingly written scene of Jiggy and Qin Su falling in love and kissing in the Jin mansion kitchen after a party while he is making her a cocktail, only to be interrupted by a shocked Madam Jin (Who Knows Everything). She extricates Jiggy with some excuse (the juniors having gotten drunk), and slaps him hard, but never tells him Qin Su is his sister, and Jiggy realizes it from her whole behavior. So he goes back, puts Qin Su in a cab while she is crying and asking what’s wrong and why he is so cold so suddenly. At the next party he sees her with Satan (aka Nie Huaisang) and the whole thing goes down the that’s my sister you bastard trope. Very well handled, because bouncing back to comedy after a super dramatic moment is kind of hard. To Jiggy’s relief, Qin Su discovers she is a lesbian and becomes a thing with Mianmian.
Lan Xichen catching Mingjue chocking and slapping Meng Yao in bed consensually (after the divorce) and making them go to couples therapy. Sounds dark, it’s actually pretty funny.
Wen Qing. Couples Therapist: “I see two people who built a house with their love and now they are tearing it down because they can no longer live in it.” (for nieyao)
Lan Xichen trying to hook up Su She with recently divorced Mingjue.
Jiggy and Qin Su shopping for the Wangxian wedding together. Wen Qing seeing them and saying “I see you’ve made her your clone.”
Jiggy threatening the Juniors to bury them under Madam Jin’s peonies. Random line from this “They are doing weed I am telling you”
Jiggy as his dad’s company spokesperson having to wear this black construction hat with a tacky carp logo that says Jinlitai Constructions and do field press conferences, safety and other training videos wearing it. He hates is, he begs his dad to take it off, but his dad is like this iconic now, people can’t recognize you without it. Has to go to news and make statements in it.
Jin Guangshan totally bullshitting Jiggy with I always loved you, I am proud of you, son, etc and Jiggy seeing right through it 24/7 but having nothing else going on for him.
HEADLESS TORSO MAN. The online love of Meng Yao’s life. Meng Yao finally sets up a date with him after he decides to move on from Mingjue. Turns out he is Mingjue.
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Young Hope: Chapter 37
The shining sun beats down its heat rays upon the vast, greenless landscape of Utah; the only shadows cast along the dry grounds be from the towering rocky formations upsetting the wasteland horizons.
Miles underneath all this dry ground however be a network of caverns that stretch out deeper down into the earth, signs of green spreading out through the caverns the deeper down they go until growing to cover the rocks in the massively sized flora.
Suddenly from an entire wall of the overgrown plants, a blade of jet black pierce right through and slice the vines straight off their stems; all the severed leaves and petals fluttering down to the ground and clearing the path for the black horned demon himself, Alex.
Following the shape shifting demon through the flora dressed caves be his purple haired mentor and his orange haired sister; both of them trailing behind the boy as he continues to slice through the vines and plants in their path.
“Roy, do you honestly think its still a good idea to come along down here; I mean you still haven’t fully healed yet?” the orange girl questions her purple hooded brother.
Traveling along the back of the pack, the merc can’t help but scratch the spot where is missing arm once was while he answers his sisters worry with:
“Mal, relax. The doc said herself how bout 94% of my bod’s good to go, practically ready to take on whatever wants me to bend over and take it from behind. A bit of minor pains ain’t gonna stop me from thrusting myself straight into the action.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you. All I’m saying is that it wouldn’t hurt ya to spend about another week or two in bed.”
“Tell ya what. Ya hire a nurse with some sweet ass cake to come in and give a full body on body exam and I won’t be a bitch. Til then, I ain’t layin in that bed another day. There’s only so much pornography can satisfy before it stops being pleasurable and starts making ya feel sad, like the kind of sad that makes ya question the fuck your even doing with your life. And you and I both know that I don’t need that being crammed in my overflowing vault of mental problems right now.”
“Hmph. Like your the only one with ongoing problems. One that would be nice of you to answer is why you decided to drag me along in this horrible ordeal of a spelunking expedition; having to soil my ability gardening through this overgrown cavern just so clear a path. It’s patronizing.” the demon leading the way chimes in with.
“What it is is that I’ve been letting you metaphorically sit on your demonic ass for way too long now. We need to get back on track with our regimen so your don’t wind up turning into a pompous chode hole, that’s how ya ass gets flat.
You wanna be out walkin around people hiding that plank ass of yours, or you wanna bake some delicious thick cake for whoever ya fancy given a slice too?”
“For the love of sweet satan, just shut the hell up!” the flustered demon demands, his cheeks blushing bright red.
“Yeah, please stop.” the purple angel’s sister begs for him.
“Aight, fine, fine. I get it, the sexual innuendo quota’s full here. Let’s just change the subject.”
“Yes, lets.”
“So, what’s with those numbers that you found in the middle of the mountain with yer threesome pals.”
“I-”
A small sigh escapes from her lungs as she decides to simply skip past her brothers wording and starts to dig into the contents of her backpack; soon pulling out the very same withered piece of wood that takes the shape of a severed hand.
“We went and found this next to all those carved in numbers. Ryan claimed that they were a bunch of coordinates that pinpointed somewhere deep underneath the soil of the Utah wastelands. It’s still shocking to find something other than hallucinogenic liquid filled cacti growing down under the scorching rocks.”
“You’d be hella shocked what sort of stuff you could find under the earth if ya dig deep enough. I recall the time I took a job digging out for an underground trading ring and wound up finding a bunch of people going around and trading all sorts of human, animal, and miscellaneous organs and body parts. Like it seriously didn’t matter where the hell it came from; long as you had a working organ from anything, you could make a marginaly medium profit from your harvesting venture.
I specifically remember this one guy cashing in like 450,000 dollars for trading in a whale eye; a whole giant functioning whale eye. I seriously didn’t expect something so fucking huge to have an eye the size of a baseball.”
“That is-...that is some serious grody stuff. What sort of demented and horribly grotesque mind would even think about running a bracket like that.”
“Never really went and questioned who was running that joint, though that might’ve been for the best. The organ black market is vast Mal. Long as people need working organs to live, somebody’s gonna be in the market to trade for one.”
As the demon cuts straight through another bramble of plants that stand in the trio’s way, Alex’s foot is caught on a wooden root that sprawls across the ground and lets out a yelp as he starts to trip over; both Mally and Roy witnessing the demon straight through the ground.
“Holy shit! Alex!” the orange skater exclaims while rushing over to where she had seen the demon fall, discovering a steep dark pit before them.
“Alex!” she shouts down, gazing into the dark void of the cavernous pit.
Amidst her panicking worry that she witnesses their demonic third simply hover right back out from the depths of the pit; the skater’s worry diminishing as she proclaims that:
“Oh yeah, you can fly. It’s been a while since I’ve seen ya, hasn’t it.”
“Hmph! Did you really believe that my demise would come from simply falling into a lowly pit? I thought you would have known better.” Alex scoffs.
“Geez, sorry for being so concerned.” the orange skater coldly retorts, her expression beginning to sour.
“Kinda looked like you didn’t exactly remember for a sec there either, mate. Seriously just yelping there like a little jackal getting their foot caught in a bear trap.” the merc jests to the demon.
“Gee, I’m quite blessed to have so many others with my best interests in mind.”
Their eyes trail over to all the roots that pierce through the caverns hard rock, following them all straight into the very hole that the demon had fell down into; all the wooden roots growing thicker as they slither down into the holes depths.
“I’m definitely feeling alotta stuff crawlin down there, it ain’t just these plants either. I’m talking strange things here.” the merc mentions.
“What else could be crawling down this deep in the earth? Do you think that it could be hell down there?” his orange sister wonders aloud.
“Hardly. We’d be drowning in our own sweat if it was.” the black horned demon corrects.
“Whelp. Guess there’s one way to tell what’s down here.”
Speaking this does Mally leaps right down into the depths of the mysterious hole, with her purple brother following her straight down into the void after; Alex simply hovering right over the hole and stating out:
“As if you’d see me recklessly plunging down into some random pit.”
Countering the demon’s very statement, Roy reaches right out from the depths of the void and grasps his pupils leg; Alex letting out a terrible shriek as he’s forcibly pulled down into the abyss.
Amidst their delve straight into the unknown depths of the pit, the three suddenly feel themselves splash down into a strong water current; the trio fumbling through the dark rapids as they’re swept deeper into the cavern river.
While fighting against the forceful water flow, Mally reaches into her backpack and feels around for her trusty grapple-yo; her eyes adjusting to the darkness as her and the others that fumble behind her.
Finally does she pull out her gadget right out from her pack, immediately tossing the yoyo straight to her brother; the gadgets string wrapping right around the merc’s leg.
“Roy, get Alex!” she calls out to her sibling.
Though Alex rolls right out along the merc’s left, Roy nonetheless attempt to catch his pupil before he could fumble further down the rapids; his right arm failing to reach the demon in time before Alex tumbles further down the current.
“He coming your way, Mal!” he alerts to his sister.
When seeing him tumble straight her way, the orange skater reaches out for demon and tightly grasps one of his black horns; Alex letting out a little yelp as the unexpected touch makes him puffs into smoke to switch from a boy to a girl.
Despite the rushing rapids thrashing them all about, Mally maintains her hold upon her two companions as they all steer through the twisted and dividing river; the skater refusing to let go of either of them no matter how hard they slam against the rocky tunnels.
But through the harsh of it all, the trio are soon greeted by a growing light coming from the end of the tunnel; the three of them closing their eyes tight as they’re forced straight through the end of the river rapids.
After a moment or two, the skater feels next to nothing underneath her feet; Mally slowly opens her peepers back up and lets her eyes adjust to the bright light that shines before her.
As her eyes get used to this newfound light, the orange girl first beholds the very tunnel that her and the others had rode in through; the waters falling straight down and crashing into a lake below.
Aiming her gaze straight up does she discover her gadgets string still tied to her brother’s leg, keeping her from plummeting out of the air.
“Roy, you know where we ended up.” she asks him.
“Just look for yourself.”
Gazing ahead like her brother suggests, Mally’s very pupils widen when discovering the incredible site that sprawls out before them all; the skater left to behold a vast, luscious jungle that sprawls out form what seemed like hundreds of miles on end; the horizon before them lush green mountains and peeks aplenty.
Her site peers down to the plains that loom down below; finding what were numerous giant dinosaurs of many shapes and sizes all roaming through the valleys and lumbering across the thick jungle forests.
One of the reaches its neck out up far above the treetops and lets out a thunderous roar that echoes through the entire vista; dozens of other dino’s and hovering birds joining alongside the outcry and creating a booming sonata of the jungle.
“Whoa...But where is the light...”
The orange skater peers right up above towards the very roof of these wondrous caves and discovers them covered in a blanket of strange crystals, all of them softly mimicking a glow that seemed like the sun itself; a light intense enough to avert her vision before it could harm her eyes.
“All of this was underneath the dry lands of Utah the whole time. Incredible.”
Mally’s enchantment is then broken when hearing a voice beneath her grab her attention with:
“Excuse me!”
Glancing down to the demon she holds in her grasp, she hears Alex further request that:
“Might you be so kind as to let go of my horn!?”
“Oh right, sorry.” the skater utters as she complies to the demon’s demand; releasing Alex’s horn from her grasp and letting the demon hover through the air on her own.
Aiming her site back up to her bro, Mally takes a turn to request that:
“Yo Roy, mind kicking me up?”
Upon his sisters request does the merc jerk his leg back and flings the skater right up in the air; Mally flipping through the air as she descends back down and lands right atop her flying brothers back.
“So now that we got all the excess eye candy outta the way, what do ya think were supposed to be lookin for down here?” the purple merc asks her.
“Hmmm...Good question. Guess what were hear to find out is what that hand we found in the mountain might’ve been trying to tell us.”
“So just to be clear on this, do you even have a plan set on what were doing here?” Alex questions as she hovers over to their side.
“Uh...Not really. I’ve kinda been following bread crumbs this entire time.”
“Well, that certainly reassuring.” the demon sarcastically claims.
“Guess that’s why they call it an adventure; to broaden our comfort zones and plunge straight into the unknown.
I mean if people weren’t forced straight into the wondrous horizons, then they wouldn’t have gotten used to living alongside people like you.” the merc explains to his pupil; something that Alex seems to take visible offense to.
“Wait, I didn’t mean...”
Before the purple angel could apologize for his miswording, the demon looks away from him; Roy letting out a little groan upon his blundering statement.
As both the angel and demon start to float down onto the rough jungle landscape, Mally hops right off her brothers back and onto her own two feet; all the while Alex keeping her back turned away from her purple mentor.
“Shit. Did I really sound that racist? Or demonist, I think? I just meant how anyone these days is willing to let others in their social circles.” the merc whispers to his sister.
“That might just be the problem though. The few times I actually catch Alex at school, she’s usually all by her lonesome; sometimes snooping around to stalk Kingsley from class to class.
I mean sure, there’s Cayenne jumping in to keep her outta trouble. But beyond that, most people that are around just tend to avoid her.”
“Damn, didn’t realize how off I was with that whole xenophobic ball busting speech.”
“I’m not sure if that really the crux of the problem.”
Peering back to the girl in question, the two look over just in time to witness a small lizard start to crawl out to Alex; the demon turning into a boy as he reeling back exclaiming:
“Ugh! Vile thing!”
Flailing his foot out to the small and harmless reptile, Alex scares the tiny lizard back from whence it came; gazing to the retreating reptile with a wicked grin as he taunts with:
“Yes, run; you fowl creature! Return from the dung filled hole from where you spawned!”
A short grunt manages to slip out from his mouth before the purple merc laments on how:
“I thought this whole self superiority bullshit would’ve been buffed outta him by now.”
“How you even brought up the subject of humility at all to him?” Mally then question.
“Where exactly am I supposed to start with a mess that big?”
“Come on, Roy. We both know you were an even bigger mess at 3 quarters of his age and you manage to get better. You need to make some leeway through to him, and what better time than any.” his orange sibling proclaims before shoving the merc right over to the demon; Roy nearly falling over from the unexpected push.
When realizing his purple mentor approaching, the demon simply gives Roy the cold shoulder as he simply peers away; Alex hearing the angel let out a little sigh before attempting to state:
“Alex, listen. I think I need to clear up a couple things on what I said a few minutes ago. See, when I said that, what I meant was-”
Right before Roy could even speak even another word on the matter however, all three of them hear a thunderous roar ring out through the whole jungle; one loud enough to cause the tree’s surrounding them to tremble like tuning forks.
Emerging out from the treeline be the head of a monstrously sized Tyrannosaurs rex, its gigantic sharp toothed maw drooling as its cold beady eyes stars down upon the three; none of them even slightest bit fazed as they all look back to the giant.
“Eh, gimme a sec here.” the merc request as he turns over to face the dinosaur.
The towering T-rex then thrusts its gaping maw straight out to the approaching merc, ready to chomp down upon his flesh with just a single bite.
Just before the ferocious beast could chomp down upon the purple angel, Roy throws his only fist straight out to the dino’s head and punching the dinosaur hard enough to send the thrusting back out through the jungle depths from where it had emerged; its careening body knocking down dozens of tree’s before skidding to a stop in the dirt.
Arising from the soil, the once mighty T-rex gazes back over to the very angel that had sent it flying; the dinosaur racing away in a trembling fright and retreating deeper into the jungle.
When Mally peers over to her brother’s side, she notices him having a little bit of trouble moving his arm back into place; small grunts quietly escaping from between his teeth as he slowly jerks his only arm back down.
“Roy, you sure you’re as aight as you say?”
“Come on Mal, you know it ain’t nothing I’m used to.”
Turning back to both his orange haired sister and pupil, the purple angel continues with:
“So, whatdya think that hand ya found back in the mountain might’ve been trying to tell us pointing out a place like this?”
“I’m...I’m not really that sure. That ice golem that guided us into the center of the mountain was hella bummed about whatever was on that icy pedestal going missing. These coordinates that hand left behind might’ve been a warning. Least that’s how I’m reading it.”
“You think that the sites you had on this Mall guy Tore’s paling around with might be starting to line up?” her brother asks.
“To be honest, I’m hoping they’re not.”
Amidst their conversation, Alex cuts in between the siblings and claims how:
“Hmph! If your blue brother was gullible enough to hastily set out with some rando he barely knows, then I say that fool might as well deserve whatever trouble he ends up in.”
“Thanks Alex for your completely unnecessary and impractical input.” his purple mentor mentions.
“It’s apparently all I’m here for.”
Letting out a frustrated groan, Mally starts to trek out through the forest as she suggests that:
“Let’s just get a move on. There has to be something here that this hand might’ve been trying to warn us about.”
While the two boys begin to follow the orange skater through the thick of the prehistoric jungle, a figure peeks out from the tree’s behind them; their sky blue sclera squinting as they stare out to the trio as they trot along.
Not long after starting their trek through this prehistoric window through time, the three come to discover a deep, vast valley of thick, ivy covered tree’s that tower high up above; all the numerous branches that spread out from their bark stretching out to twice the size of jumbo highway truck beds.
“Damn, can’t even see those crystals under these thick ass trees. You needin another flight, Mal; cause I don’t think Alex would say no if you rode him.”
“Excuse me? As if I’d let anyone taint by backside so casually.” the demon object.
“Doubt you’d be bitchin right now if it was Kingsley.”
“You two are kidding, right? You really think I’m gonna pass up a chance like this? Check this out.”
Upon her very words, Mally lunges straight out to the collection of ivy covered tree’s and lands right on one of their many branches; sliding right along the length of ivy until jumping out to the next branch.
“That’s the spirit, Mal.” her purple brother cheers her with; both he and his pupil gliding through the jungle air to follow after.
Along her little skate through the prehistoric thick jungle skyline, Mally skillfully leaps right off from branch to slippery branch as if she was grinding from rail to rail; dozens of exotic birds fluttering out from the tree’s as she and the boys speed through the forest.
Up ahead does she find barely any branches along the path to jump to, the skater eyes peering up to discover a couple of other limbs hanging above; Mally taking out her hockey stick upon seeing the opportunity before her.
Leaping further up to one of these branches, the orange hooks the head of her weapon right along its bark; the momentum of her jump causing her to flip along the limb until she launches herself upwards to the treeline above.
Once coming to the arch of her ascent, the orange lass takes out her trusty grapple yo and tosses it right out towards the branches ahead; the gadgets string enveloping one of the branches and letting her swing right up to another stretch of ivy.
After landing right along the branch does a blur streak right past the girl, nearly hitting the skater right along her side.
“Whoa, what was-”
Gazing out to the site up ahead, Mally finds an entire flock of winged reptiles gliding right towards them; their cold eyes glaring to the trio as their jaws ready to bite upon their skin. Another lizard breaks off from the flock and lunges ahead to the skating young girl; loud hiss escaping from its maw as he dives right down to its potential prey.
Just as the carnivorous reptile was ready to sink its teeth into her, Mally swings her hockey stick straight into its open mouth and sends it careening straight back its flock; the lizard crashing straight into a number of its brothers and sending them down to the jungle floor with it.
When a chunk of their flock is struck down, the entire swarm charges out to the young lady all at once; Mally tossing her grapple-yo out to the crowd and wrapping one of them in its string.
Having one of the lizards in her grasp, the orange skater leaps right off the branch and spins right in the air; twirling the trapped reptile around and swinging it right back to its very flock. The entire swarm splitting off in different directions to evade another of their swung back members.
Despite the flock of deadly lizards having been broken apart, a couple of them persist and glide right out to the girl just as she starts to land upon another ivy covered branch; both of their mouths salivating as they attempt to strike from above and below.
Moments before either of them could take a bite right out of the airborne skater, a pair of streaks swoop right in and knock the right out of the air; Roy kicking the one above while Alex slices the other clean in half.
Finally landing upon the jungle branch below, Mally turns out to her two partners as they start to hang back and gives the duo two thumbs up with a thankful smile.
“Rather vapid of her to thank us for fixing her screw up. I would have at least made sure the whole flock was killed so that none of them could come back.” the demon claims.
“You weren’t exactly eager to jump in against them all with her. Doubt there would be any of them left.”
“Please, why would I even waste my breath on such inferior reptiles unless absolutely necessary?”
“Because your part of this team, dick wit.”
“Ha! Team. I seem to recall you practically kidnapping me against my will, all the while deceiving my foolish mother in claiming it all to be nothing more than a simple train trip.”
“Hey! I didn’t spurt out a single white lie to your sexy milf momma. I told her that life ain’t gonna wait a single sec while you prep for whatever kind of curveballs its got planned to throw at ya pair of sweet cheeks. Gotta be ready to bat the ball back right into its stupid fucking face.”
“Oh, believe me. I am more than prepared to face whatever challenge this existence has to stop me.”
Right on queue of stating this does the demon accidentally smacks straight into a jungle branch, his purple mentor slowing down to witness Alex plummet straight down to what seemed like the waiting maw of a giant plant.
“Agh. Mal, might need an assist here.” he calls out to his orange sister.
Hearing her purple brothers call out, Mally takes a look back in time to witness the giant weed devour the little devil with just a single gulp; the skater letting out a little yipe before she takes out her grapple-yo and tossing it back out towards the site.
While racing right out to the towering plant that had consumed his pupil, Roy aims the palm of his hand out to the weed and fires out a beam of black and purple straight to the neck of the carnivorous flora; the ray cutting straight through the stem like clean butter and decapitating the plant in one swoop.
The head of the monstrous plant having been severed, the purple merc gazes down to its giant bulb along the bottom and discovers something kicking underneath.
“Alex, just cut right through!” he shouts to the demon trapped within.
Upon these very words does a blade of jet black pierce straight out from within the bulb and slices straight through the flesh of the plant; a bout of steam wafting out as the black horned demon attempts to crawl his way out from the flora’s very stomach.
Right as he begins to fully pry himself out from the depths of the plant, an entire mess of tendrils wrap around parts of his body and start to drag Alex straight back within the stomach; the slashed piece of the bulb regenerating as the demon is pulled right in.
“Dammit!”
His eyes are drawn above the bulb when the cut stem attached starts to furiously wriggle and bulge; the neck erupting in a splatter of gooey chlorophyll as a half a dozen more voracious plant head burst out, growling out a vicious sonata as she peer out to the angel hovering over them.
“Gotta be kidding with this kind of Cerberus bullshit.” he curses.
“Hydra.” his sister corrects as she swings right into the scene.
The orange skater swings over to take a crack at the deadly weed herself; leaping into the air and tossing her trusty gadget straight out to the bouquet of carnivorous green, her yoyo’s steel string wrapping around the plants numerous necks to bundle them all together.
Mally streaks right past the tied tethered green and slams straight down onto the ground; all of the heads struggling and squirming as the orange skater tugs them all aside, demanding that her purple brother:
“Get’em outta there!”
From his sisters request does Roy delve straight down towards the stomach of the carnivorous plant, ready to thrust his fist through its flesh.
Before the merc could even touch a single leaf of the restrained bouquet, a thick tree suddenly bursts out from the ground right underneath him and practically uppercuts the angel up to the treetops; Roy screaming out as he’s launched out beyond the leaves above.
“Roy!”
Among witnessing her brother being shot right out of the scene, the string wrapped around the bouquets numerous necks start to unravel; Mally ultimately losing her grip as the deadly green shakes itself free and is flung straight out towards the trunk of one of the jungle trees.
Right after feeling the jungle tree’s harsh bark slam right against her back, Mally peers up to witness all of the heads that she had once kept down now lunging their maws right out to her; the orange skater able to do little but hold her hockey stick up to black the oncoming heads.
Right as all of the deadly heads tempt to take their bites out of the young girl, Mally sees each one of them suddenly come to a halt just a few feet from her; drips of their saliva drooling along the grounds right next to the young lass.
Whaaa…
As she questions why every one of them stops just short of gnawing her to bits, the skater watches as all of them forced to retreat back to the very bulb that keeps them together; even the heads being pulled right back from wench they had sprouted.
Once all the heads were sucked back in, the bulb itself starts to shrink down while being uprooted from the earth; Mally glancing underneath the shrinking weed to find something of wood standing right behind it.
As the entire plant is further shrunk down, she soon discovers not another strangely shaped tree, but a figure made from wood roots and leaves that grasps the weeds bulb and sucks every part of the plant into its body; their bright blue sclera upsetting the aged wood that makes up the figures very features with some of the deadly plants head poking out from its roots.
The bulb that had trapped the demon is finally dispersed, exposing a female Alex to the open jungle air once more; her face twisting in utter disgust as she finds herself covered in juices and chlorophyll.
“Ah, wretched!”
Once having absorbed the rest of the killer plant straight into its body, the figure of wood and leaves thrust its other arm straight down into the soil beneath its feet; the roots of the carnivorous green sowing out from its body and straight out into the soil below, all of them watching as the plant worms away deeper into the jungle.
While Alex remains occupied with swiping away all the leftover strange goop that covers her body, Mally walks right past the demon as she approaches the wooden figure that had saved their hides; extending a hand out to them as she greets with:
“Man, I don’t think we can thank you enough for-”
She’s just a couple feet away before the figure turns right back, the roots of its arm stretching out to form a sharp tipped lance that’s pointed straight down the orange skaters neck.
The figures bright blue sclera narrow as it continues to stare down orange young girl, finally questioning to her in a raspy, but faintly feminine voice:
“What are you doing here?”
“Ju-just take it easy. We didn’t come here lookin to start trouble.” the skater assures the wood woman, her brother crashing straight into the ground a couple yards behind her.
“We just wound up following some coordinates and got swept straight in this prehistoric jungle.”
“Who told you of this location.” the withered wooden warrior demands to know, pointing the tip of her bark lance right onto the girls neck.
“We found the numbers carved in the center of a mountain next to this hand.” Mally explains as she starts pulling out the withered wood hand in question.
As soon as her blue eyes behold the palm she pulls out, the wood woman turns her weapon arm back to normal as she snatches the severed hand right out from the skater grasp; the wood woman retracting her arm back to her head so that she can examine the palm closely.
The wooden warrior once cold killer gaze twists into a mixture of bewilderment and lament while staring down to the severed palm she holds in her hands, letting out a small breath before whispering:
“Nevaline. So you did make it.”
Amidst this brief moment of grief does a streak of black and purple streak right past Mally and rockets right into the wooden warrior; the purple merc grasping the wood woman by the neck and pins her right against the side of a thick jungle tree.
“Roy, wait!” Mally shouts as she races out to the two.
Though the orange girls fails to stop the conflict from starting as the wood woman shoves her arm into the very tree her purple foe pins her down to; a sharp branch suddenly bursting out from the side of the tree and twisting right at the merc.
Roy lets go of the wood woman as he retreats away from the thrusting limb, the edge of the bladed branch slicing the socket of his missing limb; the limb twisting around and attempting to drive its tip straight into the purple angel.
Right before the branch could drive its tip anywhere into the merc, the orange skater delves right in the nick of time and breaks the limb in half with just a single swing of her hockey stick.
In the very next moment does Mally drive her weapon straight into the earth and leaps backwards to kick her purple brother aside; Roy skidding across the dirt and stopping just short of slamming right into a rock.
“Ah! Mal, what the hell was that for!” the merc exclaims.
“You just tackled the person that saved Alex’s hide.”
“What?”
The merc witnesses his demonic pupil walk into the picture as she swipes away the last of the gooey chlorophyll off her; confirming that:
“Indeed. And about time to. It was practically vomit inducing within that vile plants stomach.”
“Try telling that to my arm socket.” Roy counters with; pointing out the bleeding gash inflicted onto where his arm once was.
“I can-I can mend your wound. Just let me...” the wood woman offers as she starts to approach.
Rising right off the ground, the purple merc starts to back away from the wood woman as she nears; ready for whatever sneaky bull she attempts.
Peering right behind the wooden warrior however does he see his sisters cautious gaze, his siblings stare telling the merc to put his guard away; Roy stops backing away and presents his cut to the wood woman.
The wood woman reaches down to one of the patches of grass and makes a couple of blades slither right into her arm while warning the merc that:
“This may sting a bit.”
From this does the wooden warrior reach her arm over to the very wound that she had inflicted; the palm of her hand hovering over the merc’s arm socket as the pieces of grass she had taken slither out from the wood woman’s roots and pierce through Roy’s skin.
The purple angel lets a little hiss escape from between his teeth as the grass worms its way around and over his arm sockets gash, the strings of green tying themselves together and effectively closes the merc’s wound.
“That should stop any more of your blood from spilling out.”
Having patched up the cut she had inflicted upon the angel, the wooden warrior turns back to the orange skater and presents the severed palm to demand:
“Now answer me; what urged all of you to follow Nevaline’s directions down into this window of still time?”
“We’re just trying to find where our brother went, following all this trace clues from an underground mystical library all the way to the center of a mountain and wound up coming down here-”
Before Mally could admit any further info, her purple brother steps in front of the orange lass and starts to whisper:
“The hell are you doing spilling our business to this piece of morning wood?”
“She’s practically been the only thing down here that hasn’t tried to tear us into bloody meat chunks.”
“Speak for yourself Mal. You serious not recall her launching me into the sky and cutting by arm socket open, recently?”
“Honestly, that sounds like the fault of your own. Surely you of all people should’ve sensed her coming from a mile away.” their demonic partner brings up as she butts right in.
“Gimme a damn break here. You know how many predators are lurking through these parts stalking us, and I was a tad busy saving your ungrateful ass.”
“Yeah, we should be thanking...uh, thanking...” the orange skater mentions, her site turning over to the wood woman as she attempt to fish for a name.
“Carila, the soul keeper of this slice of time long forgotten and the very secrets it holds. I had intervened against your struggles against the deadly viper bulb to save the plant from your wrath.”
“Well, seems for a keeper, you weren’t exactly in much of a hurry to aid us in the fight against that Tyrannosaurs rex or those vile flying raptor.” Alex snidely points out.
“I admit, I thought that nature would simply take its course upon you all. But simply from observing you fend off all those carnivorous predators with such ease; I realized how less and less of a possibility that was.
I approach you all now to request that you take your leave from this natural wonder and never return.”
“Yeah, that ain’t happening.” Roy then tells her.
“Indeed. And I’d like to see you stop us, you flat chested wooden tramp.” Alex adds.
“If that’s what you wish.” Carila states as her limbs form into weapons.
Right as the three were about to lunge right out to one another, the orange skater once again stands between both parties; speaking on behalf of them all to the wooden guardian on how:
“What Alex is trying to tell you that we can’t exactly leave yet, not until we get some answers for all the clues we’ve been following up til now.
Whoever that hand you hold belong to, they used their last fleeting moments to carve in the coordinates we followed to get down here. You mentioned their name, you gotta know what they’re trying to tell us.”
“And you said that you found these coordinates within the middle of a mountain.” Carila questions.
“Yep.”
The wooden keeper peers down to the withered hand that rests in her palm, letting out a little groan as she finally gives in and claims that:
“If it was Neveline’s final request, then so be it. One that I hope was thought through. Just keep up.”
All of them watch as their newfound guild leaps right up to the tree’s and slithers along their bark like a serpent, Mally ready to jump after before she stops in her tracks when hearing her brother’s pupils remark:
“Please tell me you’re not this daft.”
“Excuse me.” the orange skater utters while glaring back.
“Are you that moronic enough to trust the word of a strange woman that dared to point the tip of their weapon right to your neck?” the demon reinforces, her body shifting to that of a boy.
“That strange woman just saved your buns from getting digested.”
“Please, I did not need her charity. I was on the verge of escaping from the belly of the beast myself. I assure you that I’m not as defenseless as you’re claiming I am.”
“I didn’t say a damn thing like that.”
“No, but please. If you wishing to lead all of us to our eminent doom and destruction, then be our guest.” Alex states.
As Alex hovers out in the direction the wood woman had slithered out to, his mentor approaches the girl he had just argued with as she mentions:
“Does he not realizes that this is why no one wants to hang around him?”
“Yeah, I think I might need to have a word with him.” the merc admits.
“Hey, are you to coming along or are you just gawking about waiting to be a prehistoric meal, keep up!” they hear the demon call to them with.
“I hope you do so soon.” Mally hopes as both her and her brother leap up to the treetops to catch up to their wooden guide.
While both the purple angel and his demonic pupil hover through the jungle treetops, Mally grinds from branch to branch as all of them follow their newfound wooden guide, who slithers in and out from tree to tree.
In the midst of their travels through the tree’s, the wood warrior decides to pry with:
“Might I ask what may your ends in coming down here be? I wish to know what Nevaline was attempting to warn you all about.”
“Uh...”
Leaping right off the tip of a branch, the orange girl spins back to peek over to her purple brother for a clue of what she should do; finding the merc simply shrugging at her as she lands right upon another limb.
“Like I said, we’ve been trying to find out where our brother wound up being dragged to. Our one solid lead to go off of is what he not only called himself, but what he had called the man he follows too.”
“You seek knowledge of the Kybr, correct?” Carila question.”
“Ah, yeah. How’d you-”
“Believe me when I say that the Kybr have quite the extensive history; one that the gods themselves were hoping to bury with the passage of time.”
“Any chance you could teach us what that history might be?”
“Afraid not. But do not fret, your answers shall all be revealed once we travel to the very edge of this domain. Then and only then will you find out what the Kybr truly were.”
Tailing right behind the orange girl and wooden woman, Alex hovers aside his black angelic mentor to comment:
“I highly doubt that this living bunch of old roots is so willing to lead us through this jungle for the sake of her departed friend. There’s a clearly ulterior motive afoot.”
“I ain’t doubting that. But this whole trail for Tore’s provin hella thin as is; we gotta take in every lead that we get here.”
“Rather foolhardy on your end if you ask me.”
“Yeah, speaking of shitty ends, we gotta talk about the way you just piss people off.”
“Agh, not you too. I get enough of that sort of infernal yapping from my asinine mother.”
“I’m just gonna cut through the bull here and say that maybe constantly acting like pompous dick horned asscheek ain’t gonna get up any friendly faces. You’d probably get way more tail and cooch waiting for ya at the end of the day if ya quit being such a stuffy little bitch.”
“Oh, and you’re confident that piece of advice fares no hypocrisy coming from you? How everyone just tends to avoid you as well?
Don’t think for a moment I haven’t heard all the stories concerning you and your demeanor when greeting others. Of how you ask almost everyone, even going up to multiple people at once if they’re down to quote on quote “Diddling down in the back alley” with all the charm and subtly of a wayward perverted slob.”
From this very statement does the purple merc let a bout of laughter escape from him, Alex hovering back a bit as his mentor’s chuckling starts to die down before the merc responds:
“Diddling down in the back alley”. Where did you even-...Did someone actually say that or did you just pull that outta yer ass.”
“My point being here is that don’t not exactly have the heart of the public eye either.” the demon rings back.
“Hey, least I’m open and outta the gate with that to people. Ain’t like those kinds of dipshits that try to walk around questions and be those fedora tipping self entitled jackass’s.
I mean if the people would be less strict about fucking one another, the world would be an honestly happier place for everyone.”
“What in the living realm of sweet satan are you paddling about?”
“Uh, what was I talking ab- Right, right, right, right, your attitude. All I’m saying is if you don’t wanna wind up reflecting back on your life wondering why ya got nobody to talk to and comfort ya; then quit recklessly putting other people down and stroking yourself like a self masturbating stiff prick.” the merc concludes
“Oh really. Did you hold that sort of attitude when you were with Roxanne?”
The mere mention of the girls very name proves enough to send a powerful jolt through the purple angel’s entire body; his expression breaking into disbelieving shock as he turns to his pupil and simply utters:
“What?”
“Did you really not hear all the rumors and blog posts being passed around about all that juicy drama? Cause from what I’ve heard, the two of you didn’t exactly split things off quite cleanly. All of them kept saying that you were the one acting like the right dick in that whole shpeal.”
“W-wh-what the hell does all that gotta do with now?”
“I’m just saying that if you’re wishing to criticize me for my behavior, shouldn’t you set a better example?”
“You have no fucking clue what happened between us that night!? You really think your gonna get away with going for those kinds of low blows!?”
“Hey, if were taking stabs at each other for how we treat people; then I sure as hell ain’t gonna miss the chance to get a couple in. An eye for an eye sort of approach really.”
Upon the demon’s very words is Roy left utterly speechless, his enraged gaze cooling into a contemptuous glare before he finally responds with:
“No wonder you don’t have any friends.”
This last remark manages to shatter Alex’s smug grin so that only a glaring hurt remains; the demon shifting into a girl as she watches her mentor glide out ahead to both the orange girl and the wooden woman up ahead.
Gliding right between both his orange sister and the wooden woman, their newfound guide can’t help but squint her blue sclera eyes straight the purple angel; Mally meanwhile questioning her:
“Why can’t you just simply explain all this yourself.”
Shaking her gaze away from the purple merc and states how:
“The knowledge that you seek simply cannot be put into words; thus I lead up all through this slice of still time to something needs no words to show you.
Held with the confines of my sacred grotto lies a piece of wood nymph wood containing an unflinching, unbiased memory of the nature of its time. One that has been preserved since the Kybr’s inception. If you truly seeks to learn of what the beings that she seeks out truly are, then they must let this root pierce into their minds and share its secrets with them all.”
Along their travels do the numerous jungle tree’s finally begin to thin and dwindle before them, letting the sunny light shine upon them once more as all of them start to reach the end of their forest trek.
Leaping straight through the end of the woods do they come to witness a vast, crystal clear lake, reflecting the soft glow of the shinning rocks that shimmer above them all. Mally strolls over to the shoreline of the wide lake to discover half a dozen towering dinosaurs that float just above the surface; some of them swimming over to the shores to walk upon the land.
“Wow...” the orange skater wondrously utters.
“Yes indeed. Let’s truly thank our rashly trusted guide for leading us to absolutely nowhere, I’m sure that the majestic site was more than worth nearly being devoured alive.” the demon sarcastically mocks.
“I did bring all of you hear for more than just the site. The scared grotto of my kind lies right underneath this very lake, buried underneath the galleons of crystal clear waters.” Carila counters.
“Hang on here; you seriously expecting us air breathin motherfucka’s to swim all the way down into this who the hell knows how deep body of water?”
“Oh no. You won’t have to touch a single drop to enter. Give me just a moment.”
Saying this does the wooden nymph waltz over to the very edge of the vast lake, lifting her root arms as high as she can before kneeling down and thrusting them right into the shoreline; the wood warrior remaining utterly silent as the trio behind her simply stare and watch.
“Oh, the hell is this woman even doing?” Alex asks.
“Are...are we supposed to do something with her while she’s like this?” Mally questions.
“I think I know exactly what were supposed to do with her.” Roy suggests with a stretching grin.
“NO!” both his sibling and pupil harshly deny.
Its after the two deny the merc’s request that they begin to feel the ground underneath their feet start to gradually quake, all the exotic birds perched along the edge of the woods behind them flying off as the trembling grows more fierce.
Among the constant quaking are their sites drawn over to the lakes quivering waters, where upon they begin to witness dozens upon dozens of what seemed to be wooden tree roots arise from the surface; all of the clustered together as they erect out from the center of the lake.
Water spurts right out between the encircling walls as the roots continue to rise out, the trembling starting to die down as they trio see before them an entire sphere made from wooden entangled roots; a path of wood erecting out from the lake trailing straight to the hole leading right inside.
Once the entire ball had been risen out from the depths of the lake, Carila finally uproots her arms right out from the shoreline soil; the wooden nymph slowly pulling herself off the ground as the angel behind her questions:
“So, this the grotto you talkin about.”
“Indeed...”
Though Alex is left agap by the incredible bout of natural power that the wooden woman had just displayed before her; the demon shakes off her astonishment and recollects herself to faux say:
“I-I-I must admit, that was not half bad for a woman with such a plank chest.”
Peering over to the very woman who had just finished erecting the entire cluster of roots, Mally finds the wooden warrior on the verge of passing out; the orange skater coming to her side and brushes her hand against the wood woman’s side.
“You need a minute?”
Upon asking of her well being does Carila simply swipe Mally’s palm away from her side; simply responding with:
“I’m fine. Let’s just move out.”
While Mally follows the weary wood woman along the freshly erected root built path leading straight ahead, the demon and her mentor opt to simply hover along overhead; Alex glaring down to the wooden nymph as she ponders aloud:
“Does she really take us for such dimwitted fools? Surely she doesn’t think that we would let her lead us right into her “sacred grotto” without even an iota of suspicion?”
Hearing his remarks gaining not even so much as a single response, the demon peeks over to the purple angel hovering right beside her and see’s him simply ignoring her; rather staring down to his phone and texting.
Left upset with the merc’s lack of attention, Alex shifts into a boy as he further questions:
“Oh come now. Are you really still upset from calling you out over your double standards? Get over yourself already.”
Despite his pupils clearly callous, Roy simply continues to look down to his phone, watching as a fresh text from his sister comes in reading:
Mally: “Did he seriously went and bring that whole mess up?”
Roy: “Yep.”
Mally: “What the actual hell! I kind see where Alex is coming from, but seriously bringing up that whole business with you and Roxanne was just a step too far.”
Roy: “I’m just done here. I seriously don’t know what to do next.”
Mally: “Why don’t I chip for a bit, have a little talk with him.”
Roy: “Wouldn’t mind if you whipped his ass either.”
“I must warn you now.” the orange skater starts to hear their wooden guide start to speak; Mally putting her phone away as she listens to what Carila has to further say.
“Due to its very nature, the memory root shall attempt to bore itself into your mind to share the knowledge locked away within its very veins; the knowledge of the Kybr themselves.”
“We really can’t thank you enough for leading us through this slice of prehistory; I gotta come clean here. That whole bread crumb trail I’ve been following was serious about done. I couldn’t figure out what the hell we were supposed to do down here before you came along.” the orange skater admits.
“If that is all you simply wish out from this trip down, then I’d be more than happy to speed your trip along; simply as you not disturb any more of this domain.”
“Ya don’t gotta worry a little green leaf on your head about it. We’ll be outta your hair faster than you can produce chlorophyll.”
“Oh, I’m betting on that.”
Nearing the hole leading straight into the spherical root cluster, both Roy and Alex begin to lower themselves down behind the orange skater and their wooden guide wander straight inside; a strange light beating upon them all as they enter.
Once their eyes start to adjust to the heavenly glow, the three peer out to behold what was field of red, near dying grasslands; the eerie plains of which decorated with open and withered tree that still drip out water from their hollow insides.
“This is your grotto?” Mally despairingly question.”
“It was...” the wooden warrior despondently confirms.
“This is serious meant to be your sacred grounds? All the near dead flora spread through here makes it seem like a forlorn garden if nothing else.” the demon remarks.
“Quit it.” Roy harshly growls.
“What. No snappy and lewd comeback on your end?” Alex barks back.
Rather than respond to his pupil, Roy simply glares out to the plains that lie ahead; the demon himself scoffing from his mentors shunning as he shares in the site.
Out along the very edge of this near lifeless grotto does the wooden woman lead the trio over to a small den made from the inside of a large hollow tree; the inside letting out this strange yellowish orange glow.
Walking straight into this den do all of them find the very source of the light; a long single root that pierces straight through the earth below, with Carila proclaiming to them all that:
“This root here is the very same that bestows the memories of the time it had grown in; to let another peer into the nature of its time.
It however can only share its memories with but single entity and burrow its roots with their very mind to share its wisdom. So I must ask now, which of you three shall approach and bear the history it has to tell?”
“You’re seriously expecting one of us to let this thing dig its tendrils into our heads? As if I’d let a dirt ridden plant like that come anywhere near me and taint my mind.” the demon rejects.
“Yeah, I ain’t exactly in the mood to get brain probed either. Already made that mistake once letting the Austrian gov cut me open and dig out a chip that they accidentally lodged in there. The scares on the back of my head still itch like hell.” the merc also denies.
Mally peers over to the two to find them both staring right at her, the orange skater asking them:
“So your seriously expecting me to step up to the plate?”
“Mal, you went through the highest of mountains to the deepest of pits just to try and find our bro. If anybody’s earned to find out the truth of this whole mess, it you.” her brother responds.
Upon her purple brother’s very words does Mally take in a deep breath while turning out to the mystical root in question, exhaling before beginning to approach the piece of wood; the orange girl feeling a strange sensation through her body as she nears the glowing root.
Once the girl stands before the glowing enchanted root, Mally and those behind her watch as the tip starts to grow out towards the young girls head; the tip splitting in two as it wriggles near the sides of her cranium.
With the roots only a few inches away from her head, Mally peeks back to the wood woman and asks:
“This isn’t gonna hurt, right?”
Right then and there does Mally get her answer when the root’s tips pierce straight through the sides of her head and burrow themselves into her cranium; a yelping shriek escaping from her mouth as she starts to spasm and tremble.
The angel and demon taking in the site see the young girl shortly stop her violent shaking and watch her as she slumps backward, discovering her eyes devoid of any pupils as she blankly stares out to them both.
“Uh, she gonna be fine after this, right?” Roy concerns.
“These roots secrete a special ooze which mends injury upon exiting the host. She will awaken as if nothing had happened.” their wooden guide assures.
“And how long will it take for her to wake up?”
“With how much the roots have to show, I imagine a long while.”
From these words does the wooden warrior start to stroll back out towards the way they had ventured in, the demon asking:
“Where the hell do you think your going?”
“I have duty to fulfill. One that I had held myself to since I was just a sapling.”
Upon the wood woman’s leave, the two peer over to the young skater as she remains utterly comatose; neither of them able to do much in the moment besides wait for Mally to finish her little history lesson.
“Whelp, got nothing better to do.” the purple merc, waltzing out towards a couple of dead hollow tree’s.
“Th-that’s it? Am I not to expect some sort of evaluation, training regimen, or any kind of inine physical activity that involves violence, most inflicted on my end.” the black horned demon questions.
“I...I-I’m not really in the mood Alex. I’d rather just go behind a couple tree’s and alleviate some stress going through my head...by masturbating.”
As his mentor walks out to the dead tree’s, Alex peers to the purple merc with hints of wondering disgust; grumbling:
“It still baffles me what sort of sick forces present in this universe that chose him over anyone else to me my guiding mentor.”
Once delving deep within the mental depths of her own subconscious, natural sunlight shines out as the orange skater opens her eyes; Mally giving herself a moment to adjust to the heavenly glow before finally taking in the very site she stands upon.
Stretching out as far as her eyes could see, Mally beholds a vast, luscious meadow filled with colorful flora; the likes of which rival the size of oak tree’s as the sun shines upon their petals.
Fluttering along all these numerous flowers does the girl witness what she at first seemed like dozens of butterflies; their wings showing dozens of unique designs and patterns with glisten with the sunlight.
When one of them starts to descend down towards her, the girl holds her hand out to let it perch atop her index finger; her eyes widening when it finally touches down and discovers what these creatures truly were.
A fairy. A small fairy the size of her head greeting the young girl with a friendly wave. Mally left astonished as she gazes up to the numerous others that flutter and dance away from her; the one that stood on her finger gliding off alongside the swarm.
The orange skater follows after the flock of fairies through the lush meadow of giant flowers, soon peering out from the flora to come to a steep incline leading up to a clearing above; the face of this grassy cliff decorated with dozens of branches.
Immediately does the girl start to climb up to the top of cliff, grasping hold of the patches of grass and tree limbs that litter its very face; all the while gradually losing site of the fairies that hover above.
When just about to reach the top of this steep cliff face, a patch of grass that she holds onto breaks off from the rock; Mally losing her grasp and plummeting back down to the bottom of the incline.
Moments before she could slam down onto the earth below, the girl feels something grasp her arm and stop her from taking the nasty fall; the skater peering up to find one of the branches that sprout from the cliff face holding onto her wrist with a warm greeting smile.
More of this wooden limb begin to crawl out from the depths of the cliff, revealing itself to be a figure completely made from bark and leaves; quite similar to the guide that she and the others had recently met.
The rest of the branches that protrude out from the cliff all start to erupt from its very rock, all revealing themselves to be other wood nymphs that start to sprout out from the earth.
When the whole group of wood nymphs start to pull themselves out form the earth and start to climb up to the top of the cliff, the one that holds Mally flings her straight up with just a single sling upwards; the orange girl grasping the very edge of the cliff when coming to the top.
All the sprouting wood nymphs climb to the top of the steep incline as the young skater pulls herself up above the edge with them; Mally standing tall above the rock to behold the site that lies before her.
Frolicking through the meadow plains does she discover numerous mystical and legendary creatures, all roaming about and coexisting with one another; centaurs proudly galloping through the calm plains, hard rock golems lumbering out in the distance, foxes with numerous tails racing along the thickets off grass, rabbits with but single horns protruding out from their heads that feast upon the wood nymphs offered leaves, even strange chimera’s sporting the body parts of numerous animals.
When she finds dozens of shadows gliding over these flowery plains, Mally’s eyes peer up to the clear blue skies above and witnesses dozens of hovering beasts and creatures all taking through and sharing the air.
Pegesi that gallop through the air, griffins that flap through the skies, dragons that huff out bouts of sparks from their nostrils, harpies that share the lower forms of wolves gliding alongside the gentle breeze, little plant creatures whose petals spin like helicopter blades.
Incredible. These creature are all from legend, myths. They’re numerous. But why are they here? What even is this place?
The beautiful site of these vast and lively plains start to waver when dark clouds begin to blanket the clear blue sky in their darkness; Mally beginning to feel the very ground that she stands upon start to gradually tremble.
Midst this earthly quaking does the orange skater discover a bright tan light that emerges out from the clouds, the glow beaming out from a pair of angelic wings that stem from the back of a human that hovers above them all.
Is that…
Fluttering above all the numerous mythical creatures of old, this winged figure thrusts their limbs down to the very trembling earth below; the rocky grounds soon fracturing apart at the very seems and uprooting chunks of the earth up towards the skies.
The chilling outcries of the numerous mystical fauna pollute the very air with terror as the earthbound creatures fall into the depths of the stretching fissures, never again to see the light of day as they plummet down into the once peaceful grassy plains.
Not even the giant rock golems prove safe from this horrifying phenomenon, their very earthly bodies fracture and crumble into chunks of broken stone; their remains joining the chunks of the earth in their ascent up towards the angel.
Presented with this very threat do all the numerous sky bound beasts all take charge towards the angelic figure, their claws and beaks ready to rend the angel to pieces in their vengeful rage.
Yet their numbers prove utterly fruitless as the angel gathers the ripped pieces of earth aside him and cast them all forth towards the armada; the entire airborne army shot down out of the sky from the barrage of rocks.
Left distracted by the horror’s playing out before her, Mally fails to notice the earth beneath her feet crumbling apart; the ground finally giving way and causing the young girl to plummet down alongside the dozens of other mystical creatures to their doom.
Among plummeting through the dark abyss, the orange skater starts to feel the very air around her grow warm the further she descends; drops of sweat beginning to drip up from her body while falling.
Its suddenly through the dark that she feels herself slam right down upon a patch of flat earth, feeling an almost relaxing warmth radiating onto her back.
From the unexpected impact, the young lady opens her eyes once more to find every bit of the void she had once descended down through replaced with warm streaks of red and orange that waft through the wavy air above; with only the site of a single hand with a fiery orange tan upsetting the site.
Mally reaches up to the presenting palm and grasp it to feel herself being pulled right off the warming stone, peering out into the horizon ahead to discover a vast fiery valley made from scorched rock and veins of lava that flow through the land like natural rivers.
Beyond these streams of burning liquid, she finds dozens of flaming creatures that crawl and slither through this burning valley of blackened rock and lava; slugs made from molten liquid, butterflies whose wings blaze as they flutter through the air, fiery phoenixes that trail embers through the skies above, packs of deer with curling horns that spurt out flames, insects sporting hardened magma carapaces. Even the flowing rivers of lava hold their own life that breach out from the gooey surface like hopping mullets partaking in the air above.
Her eyes wonder away from the rivers when noticing humanoid like inhabitants roaming throughout these lively scorching plains; their skin a fiery tan orange, their hair bellowing through the air like burning flames as they all ride atop equine boasting skin of blazing rock and flesh.
While she views some of these fiery nymphs mingling with one another as they relax along the lava riverside; other ride through the blistering hot valley brandishing weapons that blaze crackling flames; the pack charging through and hunting the blazing deer that roam the plains.
Staring out to the site of all the numerous fiery people does Mally suddenly feel a hand grasp at her shoulder; the orange haired girl glancing over to her side to find a woman with long fiery hair, giving her a warm and welcoming smile.
Breaking her eyes away from the welcoming fiery nymph does the orange skater come to witness a hint of blue corrupting the blazing orange sky; Mally peering out to discover this blue light to belong to a pair of flaming blue angel wings attached to what seemed to be a regular human.
When the angel thrusts their hands straight out the fiery plains it hovers above, the orange girl begins to hear a disturbance; her attention drawn back to the blazing woman that stands beside her to witness her violently spasm and fall upon her knees. Collapsing onto the scorched earth does this woman start to vomit out spurts of lava from her mouth; her fiery color draining away as more and more of her precious molten ooze spews out from her maw.
The whole display brings out an unimaginable fright upon the young orange haired girl as she watches the crying fiery woman suffer from the uncontrollable hurling; Mally retching only further when daring to look out to the others that reside in the blazing valley.
Every other living creature from the nymphs to the magma insects all start to quake and collapse in unimaginable agony as their blood of red hot magma spews and burst out from their orifices; all of their bodies breaking apart as more of their bright lava escapes from their flesh and arise up into the fiery air.
Among this horrifying nightmare do the veins of lava that had flown through the land erupts out in columns of blazing bright red, mixing along with the bright orange blood that twist through the air and gather atop the angel.
All the lava extracted from every single piece of land and creature below the angel gathers right above their head into a massive sphere; one that threatens to grow to the very size of the moon.
Out from this newborn core of burning hot lava, a bout of flames spurts out from the underside and descends out over to the young orange girl below; Mally closing her eyes and putting her arms against her face as the fires were seconds from engulfing her.
Outside of Mally’s full on mental envisioning nightmare, the orange girl’s body yet remains complacently right within the small wooden den as the memory root remains within her head; the black horned demon standing outside tiring of simply standing watch and starts to wander out to the dozens of hollow tree’s that litter the grotto.
She’ll be fine. Rather take this dull moment to investigate something a curious notion itching in the back of my head.
Upon approaching one of these withered trees, the first detail that catch’s Alex demon red eyes simply be the very middle of their stretched and bulged out inside; with only the parted wood leading within the hollow center. The lack of any visible marks outside suggest something might’ve resided within these tree’s once.
But what strange and disgusting sort of creature could have dwell underneath it very wood, and why are they practically the only noticeable foliage decorating that wood woman’s grotto?
Finally taking a little peek within the hollow inside of the tree, the demon discovers some of the roots failing to simply rise up with the wall; rather a good half of them rising out to the center of the empty space.
Far be it from me to waste time studying dendrology, but its a certain fact the inside of them don’t form like this. Seems more likely that something grew from the depths of this wood. But was it what manner of creature that grew within it sapped away its very life, or perhaps would it be something else?
Before the young horned demon could continue to ponder any further on the whole strange matter, Alex lightly jumps when feeling what he felt like raindrops pattering along his backside.
The devil?
The young demon climbs right out from the depths of the hollow tree and peers above to discover a light drizzle pouring down from the roof of the enclosed grotto; drops of water leaking through the root cluster and dripping down towards the ground.
Rainfall? We’re underground, under the dry wasteland of Utah. What matter of trickery is this?
In pondering this very phenomenon does he witness an entire chunk of the ceiling break right off; an entire torrent gushish right out from above; Alex finally realizing the events that were transpiring.
“Oh sweet Satan, the grotto’s sinking!”
Once realizing the watery doom encroaching upon him and his other’s, the orange demon disappears in a poof of black smoke; swiftly reappearing out to the cluster of tree’s that his mentor had retreated to.
“We need to escape immediately. This whole poor excuse of a garden is starting to sink back do-”
Amidst attempting to warn his mentor of the looming watery doom encroaching upon them all, Alex transforms into a girl as she riles back in utter disgust when witnessing Roy watch his phone with his pants down.
Hearing his pupils verbal retch, Roy swiftly pulls his underwear right back and puts his phone away in a startled panic; collecting himself before turning back to the demon and questioning:
“A-Alex! Pht-thed-de-Th-the hell is gotten into you!? Don’t you know better than to disturb somebody while they’re appreciating the precious art of multiple biological copulation?”
“Can you quit jelling off to your disgusting smut for a single minute and look up!?” the demon demands.
Humoring his pupils request, the purple merc peeks up and behold the root ceiling breaking apart and letting torrents of water flood down and drown the garden.
“Oh Jesus, the grotto’s sinking.” the merc states in a blatant calm tone, Alex letting out furious growl upon his mentor finally realizing severity of their situation.
“Kay, how bout you go over wake Mal up and get her while I try and figure out where my pants went.” the black winged angel orders, both of them splitting apart as Alex zooms out to the den they had left Mally within.
The demon zips straight inside that very same den, finding his purple mentors sister remaining attached to the memory root, still as comatose as ever.
Alex rushes right over to the orange girls side and swipes her body right off the floor by her collar, frantically shaking her while screaming straight into her ears to:
“Wake up, you crass ruffian! Our aquatic doom is loom over us and your still casually napping away like the moronic brute you are!?”
A furious growl escapes from his teeth as he finds the young girl failing to awaken from her coma, Alex swiftly resorting to physical means to attempt to snap her out from her daze; be it slapping her in the face, kicking her in the shins, and twisting her arms with Indian rope burns.
Alas do any of these methods yield even an inch of progress in waking Mally from her unconscious stupor, the demon throwing her body down on the ground in his frustration.
“What must I reduce myself to free you, dammit!?”
Upon exclaiming such a question do Alex’s bright red eyes trail from the sides of the orange girls head and all the way out to the very root bounding her in place; the black horned demon letting out an irritated sigh as he shifts his hands straight into a jet black axe.
Nrrr. Lumberjacking it be then.
Moving right over to the root that holds his mentor’s sister in place, the demon tucks himself back before swinging the blade of his newly formed hand axe out to the side of its very wood; putting every bit of himself in each swing as he repeats the process over and over.
With nicks of the root being chopped through, eventually does he manage to severe the wood straight off the trunk; Mally’s body falling over as the root tumbles down onto the ground. Returning to the young skater’s side however, Alex finds the girl still out cold.
Damn woman!
His masters sibling refusing to awaken from her comatose stupor, the demon is left with little other choice but to simply carry the girl out and starts to pick her right off the ground; Alex surprised with how easy he could heave her right over his shoulder.
Huh, lighter then expected. Perhaps this whole training nonsense may not have been a complete waste of time.
The orange skater nestled atop his very shoulder, Alex zooms right out from the den and start to glide straight towards the flooding grotto’s ceiling; peering out to his side to witness his purple mentor return to his side donning pants and all.
“This rugged sibling of yours refuses to awaken!” the demon tells the angel.
“That so? I ain’t so sure she’s exactly done with her little history lesson yet. That root that’s in her head’s gotta have a hell of a bombshell to drop if she’s still out.
“Agh! Of all times for class to be in session.”
The angel leads the demon out to one of the rapid torrents that fall from the broken ceiling; Roy warning his pupil to:
“Hold your breath.”
Both Alex and his mentor take in as much air as they could while rocketing straight towards the descending torrent; the two piercing straight through the water in a huge splash.
Hurdled through an entire stream of bubbles, Mally herself careens through a body of thick, crystal clear water; attempting to close her eyes and hold her breath for as long as she could while submerged.
Alas can she could not hold her breath a second longer, a great exhale escaping from her mouth with next to no bubbles of air coming out; the skater left astonished and dumbfounded when finding the water around her as breathable as air.
Right, all this a memory. None of it’s real.
Her eyes open out to the crystal clear waters ahead and let her behold the numerous aquatic life that swims through out these oceans; schools of fish traveling together, octopi stroking through the waters, sting rays gliding through the sea like butter, and other sea life flowing all around.
Yet these dozens of common sea creature be not the only that roam through the ocean, the likes of which that catch her eye being what she could only remember described as myth.
Semi aquatic humanoid people dawning scales across their skin with manes of teal that flow like the wind as they swim through the waters; dressed in clothing holding swirling bright color’s and golden jewelery.
Giant serpents that stretch along the sea, their gnarling teeth contrasting with their gorgeous fins as they devour prey whole.
Some pieces of the coral ocean floor arising and revealing themselves to be massive turtles that trudge along the bottom of the sea.
A massive shadow casts down onto them all, some peering up to find the silhouette of an incredible leviathan passing above.
But all this was, wasn’t it? What happened to them all?
Midsts pondering of this beautiful sea’s very fate, Mally comes to witness a light of orange delve down into the depths; a human dawned with bubbling orange angel wings glide straight out right in the middle of this oceanic site.
When the figure motions their arms straight up towards the surface, pillars of light rain down and pierce through the waters; galleons of sea water being lifted up within the light as the inhabitants retreat deeper down into the depths.
Despite swimming as fast as they could, some are engulfed within these glowing columns; some of the sea folk watching in utter terror as their fellow kin are forced to rise from the ocean and up and breach the surface.
Engulfed within one of these pillars, Mally is forced straight up alongside the galleons of ocean and flies straight through the surface; covering her eyes as she rises up into the light.
The young girl feels that very light eventually dim, letting her slowly open her eyes to adjust to the newfound site; Mally staring straight up to an entire sea of stars that glisten like diamond along a dark blue sky.
Something about the ground beneath her feels strange as she pulls herself up, a comforting surface the likes of which she had never felt before; the skater aiming downwards to find whatever she stands upon wistfully fluffy and dark gray.
She sees this fluffy gray shortly end straight out towards an entire thicket of clouds that stretch out beyond the horizon; mountains of fluffy gray ascending up above like mountains, with some puffs drifting across the skies.
Alongside these stretches of gray fluff, Mally witnesses dozens of airborne creatures gliding through the skies while sharing the air with one another; avian birds that boast majestic feathers that bellow through the air, glistening lizards that crawl just along the clouds, airborne manta rays that glide through the breeze.
Among these numerous skybound creatures does Mally witness numerous people; humanoids with hair like flowing clouds and tattoos of the very winds that streak across their pale bodies.
While she finds some of them simply standing tall upon the clouds and taking in the view and mingling with each other, Mally see’s others ride through the air atop the numerous creatures of the night sky.
All this was here once before, wasn’t it? But then…
The moment of calming sireen is then disturbed when another angel with wings of pulsing teal winds erupts right out from the sea of gray clouds; the figure hovering above them all as they wave their hands above their head in a swirling motion.
The very air itself that was once peacefully still following the angel’s motion and is quickly whipped in a bellowing frenzy, the dozens of creatures and birds that once glides through the sky are cast aside by the raging winds; some of them torn right apart in horrifying fashion as easily as tissue paper among the gales.
Its among the swirls of their hands that the angel thrust their palms straight up to the very stars above; the winds that surround them all blending together to form a powerful twister, one that rips apart the stratosphere itself.
Countless outcries and panicking screams flood the raging air as all the creatures and people swept up into this deadly tornado are plucked out from the earthly skies and our sent straight out in to the cold void of space; never to be seen again.
Try as she might to keep herself gripped upon the night clouds, Mally’s grasp proves not enough to fight against the incredible gales and is caught within the winds alongside the dozens of other people and mystical animals all drawn straight into the tornado’s wrath; thrust upwards into the starry abyss of space like the rest.
Along the very surface of the Jurassic lake do a pair of figures breach out from its very very depths; the water that splashes out from their ascent glistening from the sunny crystals above; both the purple angel and black horned demon gasping for much needed air as they water splashes back down.
After coughing up whatever water may be still left in his mouth, Alex peers out to the shoreline to discover the very wooden woman that had guide pulling her arms right out from the ground; cursing out:
“That vile wooden bitch! She did attempt to drown us in that horrid grotto!”
While his angelic mentor shakes off all the water that soaks him, the demon then witness’s the wooden woman start to flee out towards the jungle edge; a sinister gnarl escaping from Alex’s teeth before he tosses the comatose skater in his arms out to his mentor with:
“Here!”
Though caught off guard when his pupil throws his unconscious sister straight to him, Roy manages to catch Mally with but his only arm; his demonic student then delving straight after the retreating nymph.
Racing away from the lake shoreline, Carila gallops back towards the very woods she lead her guests through as fast as she could run; suddenly stopping in her tracks when a streak of orange and black crashes down before her.
The dust settles to reveal the black horned demon with his hand in the form of a spiked hammer, ready to swing down upon the wooden warrior.
She leaps back away from the demon’s hammering assault and beholds the fury burning with the demon’s bright red eyes; Carila’s own eyes widening as she utters:
“Y-You!? But that means-”
The wood woman’s face morphs into a star of utter horror upon discovering the demon’s angelic partner touching down; witnessing him gently put the unconscious girl down along the grassy plains before fluttering closer.
“Noooo!” she growls.
“Indeed.” the demon counters, slowly marching to the wood woman.
“Were you really foolish enough to believe that galleons of dirty Jurassic water would be enough to do away with me? A miscalculated assassination attempt that that we’ll shall surely make sure you pay with your life.”
“Why did you trying doing that shit, anyway? If its for the whole jungle protector bit, I think punching some dinosaur and cutting some weeds isn’t exactly worth getting so pissy over.” the purple merc questions.
“...Do you honestly believe that this has anything to do with any meaningless duty? Do you not know the ramifications that your very existence implies!?”
From these very words does the wooden warrior transform one of her arms into a sharp splintery mace; soon charge out to the purple angel as she declares:
“This stopped being about the job the moment all of you came down here!”
Carila swings her mace arm out to his head once close enough to the purple merc; Roy swiftly kneeling down to evade the spiked weapon and kicks the wood woman right off her feet, making her fall flat onto her back.
Peering up does the wood nymph witness the purple angel lifting his leg up and diving his foot straight downwards; the wooden warrior acting fast and burrowing straight down into the soil before Roy could stamp her right out.
Having witnessed their foe dig through the dirt to escape, Alex sweeps his site all around the shoreline; wondering aloud:
“Where the hell did that wooden harlot scurry away to?”
Glancing over to his purple mentor, the black horned demon finds the merc waltzing to his side while staring straight out to the jungle edge behind him.
“The jungle?” Alex utters.
Fully turning over to the forest edge, a smarmy grin stretches across his cheeks as he lets loose a little chuckle; mocking out with:
“A failed assassination attempt and fleeing into hiding? What a sheepish loathsome guardian.”
“Don’t think she’s exactly done yet.” his purple teacher warns.
From this warming does the forest before them begin to quake, numerous jungle tree’s spurting out from the earth and clustering together to form one gigantic arm; the limb hammering its hard wood fist straight down to the duo.
Roy and Alex split away from eachother as the giant arm dives straight down upon the earth in a furious hammer; the demon between them blocking the flying debris before he claims that:
“No doubt she’ll keep attacking like this unless we flush her out.”
“Think I know a way that we can to.” Roy follows with.
Along the other end of the gigantic wooden limb, Carila manages to dislodge her own arm right out from the stub of the massive cluster of jungle trees; the wooden warrior peeking out along the stretch to witness the purple angel zoom right out from the horizon.
Once the wood woman was right in site, Roy fires out a deadly ray of black and purple out from the palm of his hand and straight out to his wooden foe; Carila springs up to the treetops above to evade the dark blast.
As soon as she lands atop one of the branches overhead does the wooden guardian thrust her foot deep into the bark of the tree she stands upon; all the moss covered branches that protrude out from the tree lunge straight out to the approaching angel, with their sharp tips ready to pierce through flesh.
The purple angel weaves himself around all the branches that thrust their tip out towards him as he zips straight towards the base of the tree; not a single bit of their rough jungle bark able to brush along his precious purple hood.
Once near the tree his foe stands upon, Roy rams his legs right against its trunk hard enough make the jungle wood begin to tilt over; the towering tree’s roots tearing out from the soil as its plummets.
With the very tree she stands upon on the verge of crashing down, Carila pulls her leg out from its very bark and leaps out towards one of the logs that neighbor her; the purple merc seeing his moment to strike and rapidly rocketing right up to the airborne wooden warrior.
Right when the guardian was about to land right onto another branch, she feels the mercs fist right against her chin; Roy delivering a rising uppercut that sends her flying straight up through the treetops.
Having been sent several feet above the treetops, Carila regains her composure just in time to witness a pterodactyl gliding through the skies; a smile cracking along the wood woman’s cheeks as her arm sharpens into a thin tipped pike.
The merc soon breaches through the treetops himself and hovers along the brightly lit cavern skies, holding his hand right above his eyes to block out the light of the crystals as he peers out to where his wooden foe might’ve went. A high pitched screech then rings right in his ears from behind; the purple angel peeking back just in time to witness the sharp beak of a pterodactyl thrusting out to him.
Roy veers out along the side in an effort to evade the dinosaurs skewering tip, feeling the underbelly of the winged beast brush along the fabric of his hood as the pterodactyl passes by; purple angel peering out to the dino to discover the wooden warrior riding atop the monster, all with one of her limbs rooted right into its brains.
“Jeez, who’d think that the protector of the jungle would stoop to such hypocrisy; how the prideful and bold have fallen from grace.” he mocks.
“To hell with this outdated piece of earthly history, it could drown into the depths of the abyss for all I care anymore! For once in my long and arduous life of wasting away in this worthless hole, I’ve found a calling of greater importance.”
Upon these very words does the wooden warrior swing her arm out in the air, flinging out an entire salvo of splinters and thorns that rain down towards the angel; Roy covers his face as the flurry of wooden needles showers down upon him.
Her angelic foe distracted by the shower of sharp thorns, Carila forces her flying steed to glide out to the young merc once more; her free arm morphing into a splintered scythe as she rapidly approaches.
Just as the wooden warrior was ready to chop her foe’s head clean off his neck, Roy quickly jets up right out of her blades swing and grasp the guardians arm before she could pass by; the purple angel uprooting Carila straight out of the pterodactyl’s brains and flings her back in the direction of the lake.
The wooden warrior crashes right along the Jurassic lakes shallow shores, waves of the water splashing and rippling from her little dip.
Water leaks out from the opening along the roots of her wooden body as she lumbers out from the lakeside; her bright blue sclera eyes trailing over to the comatose orange girl left resting along the shore.
Hovering down over to the shores where he had tossed away his wooden adversary, Roy’s eyes widen when that very same foe holding his comatose sister by the shirt collar; Carila brandishing a blade of wood straight against Mally’s very neck.
“Listen, I get how all the work stress ya got piled up made ya fall from grace hard as hell; but going so low as to take a hostage that can’t even fight back? Not a bad play there if I’m being honest; even if its a dirty one.” the merc briefly praises.
“Don’t you dare lecture me on morality, not after all that I had experienced. I imagine that with what the memory root is showing this girl, she would more than agree on how justified this is. A justice with which fate has bestowed upon me after enduring countless years of haunting memories and infinite sadness.
And now...you shall taste that very same despair!”
Right as the wooden woman was ready to thrust her wooden blade straight into the comatose girls body, a sudden sharp pain thrusts into her side; the pain enough to paralyze the wood woman from moving even a single root.
Slowly she peers down to the side of her lower torso and discovers one of the girls arms piercing straight through her wooden body; the orange girls head rising from its slump to reveal the bright red pupils staring back at her.
A sinister chuckle leaks out from her devilish grin as the girl’s body start to morph before her eyes, the roots attached to her head transforming into a pair of jet black horns.
“You blind fool. Did you honestly believe we didn’t think this wouldn’t be the first thing that you would try?” the girl asks as she finally fully forms into the very demon that had accompanied the two.
With but a single swift movement, Alex slides his razor sharp hand blade across the wooden warrior root body while slipping right out from her grasp; Carila effectively split diagonally as what remains of her upper body is sent careening back in a splatter of chlorophyll.
In a sudden poof of black smoke does the demon return over to his mentor’s side, Alex’s smile remaining when fully expecting some form of praise for his performance. His prideful grin deflates when peeking over to the purple angel and finding him not even uttering a single word as he simply stares outward.
When hearing the sound of agonizing grunts and gnarls, Alex glances out to the very wood woman he had just finished slicing straight in half; left astonished when watching her pull what little was attached to her head off the ground.
“Gotta give it to ya; pulling yourself back up after having most of yourself slashed off; color me impressed.
Even a pornstar’s morning wood would have trouble keeping itself up after getting slashed, they’d be lucky enough to walk away with even a slightly functioning libido afterward. And yet, here you are, ready to erect herself out from your slump and willing to get back in the shoot. Bravo” the merc further compliments with a full blow applause.
“Will my disgust of your horribly perverted mind ever cease?” the demon beside him comments.
A bout of lime green pukes out from the fallen wood warriors maw, commenting in between her breaths that:
“So many millennia have passed...and nothing...nothing has changed...You still treat us as clay...patronizingly abuse and mock us…as if were nothing but meager toys you could mold to your sick whims...completely disregarding the fact that we had lives of our own...You’re nothing but a sick little fledgling!”
“Hmph, whatever qualms you had against demon kind, your grudge was surely not worth the sorry state you’re left in.” Alex chimes in with.
“This is far beyond any demons, you irritating little imp. If you wish behold a true monster, look to the man beside you. His very presence is nothing but a reminder of horrors not just countless others had to suffer.” the wood woman specifies, Alex gazing back to the purple angel standing beside him.
“Um, mind being specific here? I gotta a mile long list of people I screwed over who want to rip out my testies.” Roy requests.
Carila coughs up little bits of chlorophyll that splatter along the grassy shoreline, taking in another before continuing to explain:
“My kind had been plentiful and happy. More than willing to support the very world we had shared with others.
All that changed when your kind...the Kybr had revealed themselves...countless worlds and the lives that inhabited them were torn asunder and changed into whatever demented forms they had desired them all to be; caring little of how much any creature in this universe was suffering under their omnipotence.
Throughout the ages did the wood nymphs dwindle in number in the struggle against the Kybr, their blood mixing along the oceans of other creatures that had fought against them. Not even the most powerful of demon’s could stand against them.
I was helpless to watch as my people had thinned to a meager handful, constantly fleeing from a threat nobody in this universe could even comprehend stopping. I could no longer look to that very grotto under the lake as the place of my birth. All it stands to be now is a graveyard where the last of my kin had faded away.”
The wood woman grunts out as she stands atop her severed upper torso, resuming her lament with:
“And though the Kybr have vanished, the scars they had inflicted still remain upon the universe and those who reside within; wounds that prove far too severe for time itself to heal.
This jungle, this slice of frozen time was all that the wood nymphs had left to them; one of the pieces of this universe left untouched by the Kybr. And so with nowhere left in this world to harbor, we were tasked to preserve this land....I didn’t ask for this. None of us had!
My own mental scars ached the very moment I had laid my blue eyes upon your black wings; the display of power he had demonstrated against this harsh natural land was more then enough proof that you were indeed one of them...one of the Kybr.
You claim me as a hypocrite, yet here you stand, demanding one hurt by your ancestors to recount the tails of trauma they had inflicted. You spill the blood of their fraternity and now this? You Kybr are the real monsters.”
Having fully sat through the crippled wood woman’s brief history lesson, both the angel and demon look upon her with pitiable contempt, the merc between them stating:
“So all this was just a ploy for vengeance over people that are not here anymore? I mean I respect the dedication, at least.”
“But it seems that you’re admirable ploy for such pointless revenge has run its course. A shame.” the demon beside him joins.
“Oh, but my ploy is far from over.”
Upon the very next moment does a giant stomp between the duo and their fallen foe; both of them gazing up to find the foot belonging to a massive sauropod that lumbers into the lake beside them.
Once the giant dinosaur passes by, Alex returns his eyes over to their front and discovers their thought to be beaten foe having vanished; the demon’s eyes peeking over to his purple mentor to find him still staring over to the sauropod.
Returning his sites back to the dino in question, he shares in the site of the wooden woman fleeing atop the beasts very back; a small growl escaping as he readies to fly out in pursue.
Without even so much as a word of warning does his purple teacher suddenly take off after their retreating foe; Alex left behind to cough up whatever dirt wafts through the air from the unexpected takeoff.
The dust finally settles, Mally coughing up what dirt had slipped into her mouth and uncovers her eyes to the scene set before her. She stands in the midst of vast army stretching out for miles on end, made from diverse and numerous mystical creatures, people, animals that marching together; limb and limb, hand in hand; all of them determined to face the threat all of the stare out to.
Turning over to the direction the battalion marches does she see a brilliant gleaming like that shines upon them all, a warm glow filled with comfort and hope.
Peering beyond the heavenly light does she then discover what manner of foe this entire battalion faces; a giant withered head with angel wings coming out from its mouth and flapping in the wind, all attached to a centipede like body sporting numerous eyes along its glimmering exoskeleton.
All the numerous eyes that decorate this holy abomination slowly begin to open; a shinning glow pouring out from their pupils and glimmers upon all standing before it, making the entire army stop dead in their tracks.
The young girl standing out among them all watches as the sheer determination that once radiated from the entire army crumbles away in but a single instance; every single creature that had marched out to the celestial being now kneeling upon their knee’s and bowing faithfully to the angel’s blinding glow.
This hope filled light starts to fade away and lets the orange skater view the world around her once more; Mally discovering herself standing among yet another army made from numerous magical creatures, mystical beings, and mighty deities.
Peering out to the direction they face does she discovers the angelic monstrosity they stand against; a twisted and warped purple shape protruding out several heads of different creatures from its edges, with wings flapping out from these creature’s eye sockets.
A deep purple mist exudes right out from the dozens of mouths that the angelic horror opens; all the demons, gods, animals, and people that stand together against this threat all are halted mere moments from attack as this mist blankets them all.
Among the army’s stupor does the girl see all of their eyes glow out with the very same purple they breath in; their daze swiftly turning into absolute maddening fury; raging screams and horrified shrieks echo out from the entire battalion as anger and confusion overwhelm them all.
Mally watches in utter terror as all these people that once stood together in the face of greater adversity were now violently ripping each other apart; bloody chunks and part flying across the air in the descending madness. The angelic horror pours out more of this maddening mist out from its numerous maws until the very air itself was consumed in raging violet.
Soon enough does this fog eventually lift, letting Mally come to see herself hovering along in the void of space; staring down upon the earth as thousands, if not, millions of holy abominations much like the two she had seen before hovering alongside their angelic humanoid counterparts, surrounding the very planets stratosphere and beyond.
Beholding this is she forced past all the winged monsters, her site zooming in towards the center of South America and keeps closing in until she sees a golden tower that stretches from the ground to the shrouding dark clouds.
Atop this golden tower was a massive halo that holds a strange space within; all the while beneath this ring stood numerous figures, one with orange horns with a flame in the middle, another the head of a skull surrounded by a cosmic aura, one bearing a crown of pure flames and three eyes, one with a tiara of ice crowned atop her head, another garbed in a cape of winds, and finally one donning a set of armor made from thick bedrock.
The millions of holy monsters and human angels all start emerge out from the surrounding clouds, all of which approach the towers very top as the halo overhead starts to rapidly spin and pulse.
Working underneath this very ring is a lone angel donned with wings of pure solid matter, typing across and adjusting numerous holographic panels; this lone man pressing one final button on the screen right as all of his fellow kin lunge forth.
All the numerous celestial beings that surround them are all drawn straight into the space held within the ring; the halo’s reach extending out to all the angelic beings that surround the very planet as the earth glows brighter and brighter the more of them are absorbed.
Her entire vision engulfed in this glow, the intense light finally starts to fade away and letting Mally open her eyes once more; the orange skater rubbing her head and flakes pieces of root off her head as she sits up.
Greeted with a much softer glow set among the darkness, she starts to crawl out from the gap and comes to find herself back out in the prehistoric open air; the echoes of the jungle’s wildlife ringing in her ears.
This ain’t the grotto. Is this still...What the hell even happened in the time that root burrowed through my skull?
As the young lass ponders weather her surroundings are reality or not, a rumbling explosion draws her attention out along the lands very edge; Mally immediately taking off towards the direction she heard the blast go off without even a moments hesitation.
Once having climbed up to the towering head of the sauropod, the wood woman digs her roots straight into its head and burrows right into its very brains; the dinosaur crying out and flailing before the parasite atop its head takes control.
Forcing the dino’s head to peer back, Carila is alarmed to discover the very angel that she had cursed in hot pursuit; the wooden warrior thrusting the sauropods elongated neck straight out to the nearing merc in a desperate attempt to swat him away.
Roy hovers right aside the dino’s thrusting head and slaps the beast hard enough to make it careen out from the lake waters and crash along the opposite shoreline; the lake waters trembling from the hefty impact.
Gliding out to the lake shores himself, Roy lands right atop the fallen dinosaurs very head and peers down to the hole that she had burrowed into the poor thing; a trail of its blood leading straight into the forest edge.
A sinister chuckle leaks out from the merc’s maw before he shouts into the woods:
“Running like this ain’t gonna do you a lick of good. You’re the one that started this whole shitshow, you should at least have the theoretical vag eggs to take the consequences like a stiff bean cu-”
Right upon the very instant does massive mess of wooden roots stretch out from the edge of the forest and envelope the angel’s entire body; pulling Roy further into the depths of the woods.
All the numerous roots tied around the purple angel’s body bash the boy into tree after thick prehistoric tree pulling him deeper through; some of the towering tree’s crashing down to the ground from the slamming impact.
Once dragged far enough through the woods, all the roots that bind the purple angel’s body unravel and send the merc crashing right into the face of a towering cliff; chunks of the rock descending alongside him as Roy shakes off his daze just in time to witness his wooden foe lunge out from the forest with a freshly made body.
When Carila thrusts her newly made splinter claws right out to the falling angel, Roy strafes aside the wooden warriors thrusting jab; her claws digging straight through the rocky cliff face as she slides down.
Carila bounces right off the rocks and out to the receding purple angel; Roy holding up his only arm as the wooden woman feverishly lashes her thorny claws and smashes through the fallen boulders while furious screaming:
“Die!...Die! Die! Die!”
“Still can’t believe your using the old and tired “sins of the father” bullshit just to throw this little shit fit of yours. Least you could do is come up with a better excuse that doesn’t dump all your problems on somebody vaguely related to some assholes that screwed you over. You might as well just be pissing in the wind at that point.”
“What the hell could a cretin like you possibly know, left utterly ignorant of your ancestors sins inflicted upon this very world, all the tormentous suffering that had echoed across the anneals of time to countless others thanks to them.
What would you know of that pain, of watching all the people you hold dear die before you!?”
Upon the wooden warriors questions of suffering does the merc’s smug grin suddenly shatter, the skin along his arm socket violently pulsating as he leaps right over one of the Carila’s swipes.
Hovering right above the wood woman, Roy hammers his tightly clenched fist straight down onto her head and punches her straight down into the dirt; shouting back:
“You think I wouldn’t know that pain!?”
Carila’s crash down into the earth manages to leave a crater the size of a small home; Roy glaring down as what remained of his wooden foe worms down into the soil. A serene breath passes out from the merc’s mouth, putting aside his short lived anger like a briefly brandished weapon.
Easy Roy. Don’t need to get worked up all at once. Just start digging this morning wood out from the ground and then we can starting beating on her.
Right as the merc readies to thrust his arm down into the dirt, the crater he stands upon suddenly erupts in an explosion of dirt and rubble; the intense force of which launching the angel back up into the prehistoric air.
Once stopping in the middle of the air, the purple angel peeks back down to discover what looked to be a gigantic worm all made from numerous roots bursting from the soil and rising straight after the merc; Carila riding right atop the worm with fury in her blue sclera.
Roy ascends up along the cliff face as the wood worm furiously gives chase, the ascent crumbling into rocky chunks as both of them head towards the top.
Coming out from the cliffs ascent, the purple angel glides straight into the forest edge perched along the top; peering back to see the worm stopping just short of the woods and continues the chase on foot.
Yet even as Roy stays a good distance away from the pursuing wooden warrior, Carila refuses to hold up on her relentless assault and start to shove her arms straight into the very tree’s she runs right past; uprooting them from the soil and tossing them out like thick, ivy covered spears.
Seeing all the plucked out tree’s descend down towards him, Roy weaves out from all the treetops that slam down upon the jungle grounds; some of them even knocking down the surrounding tree’s upon the descent.
Jeez, seems like this bitch’d tear through this whole damn forest before calling the whole thing quits. Course, it be a bit easy just to tear and blast her to pieces; but that sure ain’t no fun. Think something more ironic might be better thematically appropriate here, but how to go about that?
Upon coming along the next part of the jungle does the purple angel sense his answer, a devilish grin creeping out from between his cheeks as he peers out along his left.
Oh yeah, that’ll work beautifully.
Back out along the receding lakeside, the black horned demon stares down into the water as it reflects her feminine form; a low growl slipping out from between her teeth before she swats at her own image.
Where does that purple low life get the nerve? Ignoring his his own pupil and leaving them behind on the shores of a prehistoric lake. He should know better than this, dammit.
Don’t say that he’s still upset of our last conversation? You’d think somebody with such grizzly professions would be more thick skinned than to be affect by something so harmless as words. How foolish.
On these very thoughts, the demon’s ears catch something rustling behind him; Alex quickly pulling herself up and turning out to the forest edge to find the bushes quivering. Her alarm dies down when witnessing none other than his mentor’s sibling emerge out from the green; stating:
“Oh, its only you.”
“A-Alex? Is- is this another...Is that you?” Mally utters.
“Oh I don’t know, has that rancid branch that bore into her head deprived her of what sense you had?”
“Okay, yeah, this is real.”
Strolling over to the demon’s side, the orange skater peers out to the vast lake before them while questioning:
“So, where’s Roy.”
“Hmph, that depraved brother of yours is off somewhere in combat with that wooden harlot after she attempt to drown us all.”
“Ke-I-what...Agh...I’m out for about an hour and I miss all this. Though after everything that root wound up showing me, I shouldn’t be surprised things went downhill like this. We need to find them before it gets worse.”
“Why should we? He doesn’t seem so eager to so much as speak to me, let alone fight by my side. Pretty rude if we’re being honest. Why should I humble myself to go crawling back to him?” Alex refuses with arms crossed.
“Jeez, starting to see why he just up and ditched ya.”
“What are blathering about?”
“Did you seriously expect him to just leave off like nothing ever happened after you deliberately trash talking him about the beef with his ex?” Mally asks him, fully turning over to the demon.
“Well, guess that should be the turnabout to it all, should it? If he’s so eager to jest of my demeanor; then he should be prepared to face the same sort of judgment. And from all those rumors said what had happened; its no wonder that she dumped him.”
Seeing her demonic partners make this last statement with a smug grin prompts the orange skater to slowly start stroll closer towards her; remaining silent as her fist clenching tighter the closer she nears.
Once standing right beside the black horned demon, Mally roughly grasps Alex by the throat and pulls her closer; the skater swinging her fist hard enough into her jawline to splash her down into the shallow lake water.
Pulling herself right out from the shallow end, Alex starts to cough up bits of water as she rubs the part of her chin that was struck; glaring up to the skater with:
“What the hell is your-”
Before Alex could so much as utter another word, Mally grasps the demon’s shirt collar and pulls her face to face; drips of sweat running down the demon’s head as she stares upon the skater blood red glare.
“Did you not think that black horned head of yours that he said all that to you to try and help you, to try and break down the raw reality of how you treat people like they’re nothing just to try and change your sad, sorry situation.
Cause if there’s one thing that my bro’s on the mark with, its that you no one likes you; and you saying shit like that is exactly why. You just treat everyone around you like your better than them, like barely anybody you know is worth your precious time. You think that’s the reason why everyone stays away from you?”
The demon’s face sours upon the girl’s enraged ranting; Alex growling back:
“Like hell you know what people are really like around me, the way they all stare as if they’re very eyes say that I don’t belong with them. You wouldn’t dare say all this to me if you could see the scorns they’d give as far back as preschool.”
Suddenly does Mally lay down a nasty headbutt right upon the demon’s face, one that makes Alex splash back down into the shallow shores; her node blood floating through the lake water as the skaters shadow looms over her.
“You think that excuse is gonna come even close to working here? I knows somebody who has the same sort of copy paste sob story of being rejected cause of the way they look; somebody who could’ve just as well wound up being just as much of a bitter prick as you’re being. But she didn’t. She kept going and kept her chin up despite all the names, all the scorn, all the mockery.
And thanks to that, she wound up having people that cared about her by her side, ready to throw down life and limb at the drop of a hat for her if ever need; and they’d sure as hell know she would do the same for all of them.”
Clutching the wet demon’s shirt collar once more, Mally drags Alex right out from the lakeside and has her stand right on the solid shores behind them; keeping her enraged glare upon the demon as she claims how:
“Now you’re gonna go out and make up for the inexcusable shit that you said to Roy; or so help me god, I’m going to take you by the horns and drag your sorry ass out to him so I can shove my fist down your bunghole far enough to make you puppet out an apology. Do you understand me?”
Among Alex mix of borderline fright and questionable arousal, Alex calms herself and states that:
“Fine. But I’m going out of my own volition.”
Saying this does the demon start to hover out to where her purple mentor had flown out to, all while the skater follows behind with her hockey stick brandished.
Perched along the branches of the prehistoric tree’s, several exotic birds that once called these woods their natural homes flutter away in terror as a streak of purple and black zoom right past; the tree’s that they once inhabited soon absorbed within a slithering mass of roots and bark that pursues after.
While swerving around the dozens of towering jungle tree’s, the purple angel peers back to the mess of gathered wood that chases after his hide and finds his wooden foe riding atop the mass; her upper half sinking into the mass as she feverishly pursues after.
Yeah, that’s it girl. Keep that raging hate boner up chasing after this sweet ass. Your gonna find out in a sec that this tail’s way too tasty for your own good.
Soon enough does Roy manages to glide right out from the depths of the forest and starts to descend down into a small valley clearing; the merc peering back to witness Carila leap right out from the woods, rocking a gigantic body cobbled together with dozens of jungle wood.
While the two race through the valley field, Roy takes the time to peer back to the wooden woman feverishly chasing after and further demeans:
“Ya know, I’m beginning to wonder when exactly all this pent up hatred and rage made ya loose yer head. Course, its another question to ask weather you had a mind in the first place underneath that mess of aging roots that you unfortunately gotta call a noggin.”
Rather then attempting to respond back with words of her own, Carila instead lets out a monstrous screech as she leaps up through the air; her heavyweight body plummeting down towards the merc like a tumbling tree.
The purple angel weaves right out from the wooden warriors plunge, her massive body crashing back upon the earth with a trembling quake; strands of white and yellow goo splattering along her feet the moment she stomps down.
Her blue sclera locked right upon the purple merc, she witnesses him retreat out to the side of a towering rock cluster; Carila wasting not another moment to lumber out towards her target.
Roy rises right out from the wood giants tackle upon the last moment and makes her crash right into the rocks; countless boulders break off as the cluster crumbles to pieces, a couple of other strange boulders falling over and breaking apart into yellow goop.
Carila keeps her killer glare onto the angel as Roy hovers high above and lands right atop a towering jungle tree sitting right in the middle of the valley; the merc sticking his tongue out while nonchalantly flipping her the bird.
The wood woman stretches out her massive log of an arm right out to the very tree that her foe is perched on, plunging her roots straight into the tree’s very wood. The towering tree within her grasp, Carila uproots it straight out of the soil and flings the merc right off; several oval rocks falling off the branches as she continues to flail the massive jungle tree about.
“Why won’t you die already!?” the shrieks whilst continuing to violently swing out to the fleeting angel.
Straight into a cliff face, sweeping out through the meadow, and down upon uphill ascent of an incline; Carila slams the tree into wherever in her efforts to strike the purple merc out from the sky; Roy continuing to simply evade her flailing without so much as counterattacking himself.
Eventually does one of the wood nymphs aimless swings actually manage to swat the angel out of the air, sending the merc straight down in the middle of an enclosed cliiffside.
An unhinged laugh escapes from the nymph as Roy pries himself off the soil; Carila’s blue sclera locked as she finally corners the merc.
“Not once in the thousands of years I had been cursed to remain down in this slice of frozen time did I ever this this chance would grace me. But it shall be all worth it for avenging my ancestors that had suffered at the hands of you Kybr; forcing us all to hide down in this hellhole until our inevitable extinction.”
“Funny as hell for you of all people to brag about taking vengeance. Just hope your ready to have those same words spewed right back in yer face.” Roy warns her.
These words of warning spoken do both of them hear an enraged roar ring out from above, the wooden warrior glaring up to the top of the cliff to witness a vicious T-rex start dropping down; the dinosaur descending down onto the wooden giant and digging its sharp teeth straight into her shoulder.
Carila tumbles back as she attempts to pry the dino right off her as a triceratops charges in, ramming right into the guardians shin and knocking her down upon her back.
The very moment she tumbles down into the ground does a pterodactyl swoop down and try to dig its claws straight into the wood woman’s tiny head; a whole pack of velociraptors joining in and clinging to part of her wooden body as she struggles against all the furious dinosaurs piling onto her.
“Why!? Why are you all- Why is this happening!?” the guardian yelps out among the chaos.
The giant wood woman hears a devious laugh sound out alongside the growling dinosaurs, her head peering up to see the laughter coming from the purple angel as he hovers above; further berating her as she’s being torn apart at the seems.
“Can’t believe you seriously call yourself a guardian of these parts. You’ve been on the job for serious how long now, and you were so occupied with wanking off your hate boner that ya didn’t realize where I lead ya to.”
Curious of what the merc was prattling on about, Carila peers out around the very valley she had just thrashed about in. Absolute horror crawling through her as she finally discovers all the broken eggs that litter the ground, their shells and yolk splattered and scattered along the grassy plains.
“You’ve been calling me a monster this whole time, all for a bunch of shit people related to me did a long while ago. And yet look at what you just did now. You were so busy trying to stamp me out that you wound up screwing over all these poor dino motherfuckers. Guess’s it might not be worthwhile if that kinda reach around prankster bull ain’t poetically catharsis.”
The angel taunting words finally break the last bit of sanity holding the wood woman together, a maddening cry echoing out from her maw as all the roots that make up her body pierce through the dozens of dinosaurs that once tore her flesh apart.
Along the valley’s edge do both Alex and Mally emerge out from the forest in time to behold the wooden behemoth draw in the numerous scaly beasts within her own body; the dinosaurs crying out in agony as the wood nymphs roots tear their flesh and consume their very forms.
Peering away from the agonizing site to find her purple brother hovering overhead, left utterly mesmerized by the grotesque scene playing out under him.
“Shit man...”
“Roy!” he hears his sister call out to him with.
The purple angel parts his eyes away from wretched site and gazes down to discover both her and his pupils approaching; Roy himself fluttering down to greet them back with:
“Welcome back to reality, Mal. The hell sort of trippy sites did ya see while that root was digging in your brains?”
“I...I’m not even sure I can put what all I saw into comprehensible words. But I can definitely say that whatever the Kybr were, friendly sure as hell is the furthest words away from them. I practically saw them all tear apart worlds and people effortlessly before my eyes.” the orange skater describes.
“Wait a moment. Are you saying that irritating splinter woman’s venomous words towards your perverted brother hold some modicum of truth?” the demon questions.
“Yep. Terrible stuff.”
“And speaking of mistakes, I think that Alex’s has something she wants’ta say to ya, Roy.” Mally segues to.
“That true?” Roy asks, his purple eyes locked to the demonic girl.
After transforming herself into a boy, Alex coughs a little bit before taking in a deep breath and going:
“I-Indeed I do. For you see, underneath my awe aspiring complex personality; I am in fact capable of humbleness. And I dare slaughter anyone that says otherwise…
My point is that humility allows me to perceive some ill made mistakes I have made; specifically making mention of your most recent relationship affairs as a crutch to counterargument. Such behavior was out of line for me. I’m starting to understand why those around me might react when taking aim for a more personal target. And for such an undeserved low blow; I must sincerely ap-..apo-…apollll...apolooo...ap...apooolllo...”
Amidst the demons’s attempt to apologize, his mentor takes a gentle grasp upon his shoulder and gives a grin while responding:
“Eh, I can probably take that crappy attempt of a sorry. Sound like I finally broke through to ya on that shit.”
“Yes, well...best savor that. Don’t expect me to lower myself to such levels again.”
Seeing the two make up brings out a warm smile across Mally’s cheeks a moment that’s promptly interrupted when a trembling squeal screeches before them all.
The trio glancing back towards the ongoing scene and come to watch as their wooden foe rises upon her feet, the countless dinosaurs that had once attempted to rend her to pieces now sown into her very roots; the head of the tyrannosaurus stuck to end of her right arm while the head of the triceratops is stuck to her left. The dozens of velociraptors decorated across her torso.
“My duty doesn’t matter anymore; it never did in the end. Attempting to safeguard that which the Kybr had destroyed, it was nothing but a fruitless endeavor to falsify a purpose; one that I attempted to engrave in my fateless life for the sake of those long past.
But now, a new road stretches out before me, one to prevent those like me to spawn in this world with such predetermined scars; ones that ache with a cold and empty loneliness and yearning for others that will never come to pass. And the first step upon that path is with the Kybr’s true extinction!”
Upon those very words do all the dinosaurs trapped within her body all roar out at once; their outcries ringing across the entire prehistoric jungle.
“Oh yeah. Kind forgot about that. Probably should just blasted her to bits while she was turning, huh.
Still, hearing Alex let out hilarious attempt of an apology might’ve been worth it.” the purple angel claims.
“A rather careless mistake if you ask me; should’ve just ended her quite long ago. But this laughable error matters little in the end.
No matter what grotesque form this worthless wood woman takes, its doubtful it would be nowhere near enough to stand up against the might of me and my constituents.” the black horned demon adds.
“Couldn’t have said it better myself.”
“Glad to see things are finally back on track.” the orange skater among them states; the trio taking their stance against the behemoth of wood and dinosaur flesh.
The horrible amalgamation of jungle wood and dinosaur flesh suddenly lunges forth, thrusting its T-rex limb and opening its jaw wide as its maw races to the three.
The trio split apart before the head of the beast could sink its teeth into them all, with Roy leaping right back into the fray after which and kicking the head of the dino right in the cheek; the purple angel’s kick strong enough to make the entire giant tumble aside.
As the wooden behemoth continues stumbling back, a lone yo yo twirls around the very same arm and wraps the T-rex head within its reinforced steel string; the string pulling back and keeping Carila front regaining her balance. Peering back does the wooden warrior discover that very string belonging to the orange skater, Mally single handedly keeping the amalgamation of wood and beast from standing on her own two feet.
Its in that moment that the wooden woman hears the air above her let out a distinctive poof, the head of the giant gazing up to discover the black horned demon plunging down upon her with his hand taking the form of an axe.
Alex slams his transformed axe hand down onto the wood girl’s neck, the impact however not being enough to make a clean cut; the demon’s weapon only getting through about a tenth of their foe’s thick neck.
Before the demon could take another swing at her neck, Carila swats the imp away with her other free arm; this very action causing the giant body to finally fall onto the earth with a trembling quake.
With the chimera of wood and flesh having crashed on her backside, the purple angel ascends the air above the fallen giant and holds his only arm up in the air; a sphere of purple and black cultivating in the palm of his hand.
As the angel above her prepares his assault, Carila glances over to her arm to find the skaters string still wrapped around the head of the T-rex; a sinister smile cracking between her cheeks before she starts to pick herself off the ground.
Rising right off the ground, the jungle wood giant thrust her arm straight upwards and flings the orange girl that had held her back up towards the purple angel; Roy discarding his ball of purple and black to catch his sister with but his only limb.
“Dammit!”
With but a single hand, the merc manages to grasp his orange sibling before she could be flung right out into the jungle; Roy keeping Mally in his hand as the giant above continues to pull its heavyweight body off the ground.
“Kay, we might need a plan here. How bout pulling out one of those strats of yours out, eh Mal?”
“I ain’t too sure. Alot of them won’t be as effective with our blue brother AFK.”
“Let’s just cobble one together instead. This 20 ton of morning wood is practically on high alert for anything I do.”
“She didn’t exactly see Alex coming though. He got a good chop onto her neck before he was swatted away.”
Mally gazes out behind the rising giant and discovers their demonic third gliding out from the depths of the woods, sweeping away whatever leaves and branches wound up on him.
“I think that might just be our winning ticket. Fling me out.” the skater requests.
“Uh, kay.”
When her brother tosses her up into the air, Mally stiffens her entire figure before landing right back in Roy’s palm; the merc holding his sister like an Olympic javelin thrower as he asks:
“Where at?”
“Aim for the head.”
Just as his orange sister instructs him to, the purple angel lobs Mally straight towards the very head of the giant of wood and flesh like a throwing spear; the skater flipping herself feet first as she streaks through the air like a missile.
Though Carila attempts to lift her triceratops head to block the oncoming lass, its weight simply proves far too much of a hindrance to lift up in time; the wood woman able to little but brace for impact as the orange skater harshly stamps her feet straight into the behemoth’s tiny face
The wooden giant reels back as Mally leaps right behind the amalgamation and out to the approaching demon; Alex’s pupils shrinking when peering up and discovering the skater descending down towards him.
“Grab me! Grab me! Grab me! Grab me! Grab me! Grab me!” the skater screams while plummeting down.
Any attempts to catch the girl dropping down towards her are forsaken right then and there when the black horned demon disappears in a puff of smoke; Mally dive bombing straight through the cloud and violently crashing down into the dirt below.
Alex reappears a few feet beside as the orange skater plucks her upper half right out from the soil, shaking the dirt out of her hair before sarcastically thanking the demon with:
“Gee Alex, sure appreciating ya catching me in the air like that. Sure saved my hide from crashing down into the dirt face first!”
“I’m honestly at a lost on what exactly you were expecting me to do with you bombing down to me at breakneck speeds.” Alex earnestly questions.
“Well, can I at least expect ya to listen to a little plan I got going on in the deep fryer?”
Freshly recovering from the orange girls harsh stomp, the behemoth again charges out to the purple merc that hovers before her, thrusting the open jaws of her T-rex head towards the angel to try and take a bite out of his purple hide.
Roy strafes right aside the dinosaur heads clamping teeth and darts straight to the giants chest to attempt to counterattack, ready to deliver a punch right through the sternum.
Just before the merc could even touch a single root of the wooden giant, Carila’s chest suddenly burst open before him and unleashes an entire gaggle of velociraptors; all of the mule sized motherfuckers lunging out from the depths of the wood woman and biting down on the angel.
“Gah!”
Right as one of them was on the verge of piercing through the skin, Roy acts fast and casts a beam of dark and purple down upon where they spawned; effectively forcing all of them to retreat as the giant herself stumbles back.
Once free from the numerous dinosaur jaws, Roy fires out another ray up towards the gigantic amalgamation’s head; the wood woman raising the shield like head of the triceratops; the beast moaning out in pain as its forced to take the blast literally head on.
Having blocked the angel’s beam, Carila suddenly charges towards the purple merc while keeping the triceratops head up; Roy gliding back as the giant of wood and flesh readies to slam the head right into him.
Distracted from her feverish pursuit after the Kybr, the wood woman then and there feels something land atop her head and hook into the wood woman’s bright blue sclera; Carila letting out a horrible shriek as the hook digs further into her eye socket.
Gazing up amidst her painful agony, the giant discovers the black horned demon perched atop her relatively sized noggin and shoving his transformed hook hand deep down into her eye; Alex wearing a deliciously sinister smile as he keeps holds onto his wooden foe’s head.
“You-!”
Just when she attempts to reach over and pry the demon off her, Mally leaps right onto the top of her arm and casts her grapple yo to the T-rex head stuck to the end; leaping off as its string wraps around scaly beasts upper jaw. Landing back onto the ground, the orange skater wrangles the massive tyrannosaurus head; the beast struggling to free itself as Mally keeps the beast bound.
“Go for it, Roy!” she shouts to her purple brother.
Both of his teammates keeping the giant mess of roots and dino flesh, Roy swoops back in the fray and takes hold of one of the triceratops’ horns before lifting the entire behemoth up towards the crystal coated ceiling.
The orange haired skater and demon release the giant from their grasps as the angel continues to drag the wooden giant straight towards the glowing roof of the prehistoric cavern.
Once close enough to the shinning crystals above, Roy heaves the behemoth of roots and flesh skywards; Carila’s massive body crashing right into sharp glowing rocks hard enough to cause the entire roof to tremble.
Alongside chunks of the glowing crystal and stone, the behemoth starts to plummet back down towards the prehistoric earth; Roy ordering his pupils to:
“Finish it!”
The demon is more than happy to obey his mentors command and lunges out towards the falling giant at breakneck speeds, clasping both of his hands together and forming them into the head of a giant axe.
Closing in towards the very head of their wooden foe, Alex swings the edge of his weapons to the wooden warrior as she opens her maw wide; the demon only able to cut about 6/10th’s through the giants thick neck before suddenly feeling an overwhelming pain surge within his stomach.
Roy and Mally gaze upon the site in a horrifying blend of alarming terror and utter dread; beholding a single straight root that had erupted from their foe’s mouth and pierced straight through Alex’s body.
The very silhouette of the root piercing straight through his pupil’s stomach causes his vision to fade in purple; the shadows of the site transforming into a pair of shadowy winged figures, one of which driving a sword through the other’s chest in a haunting similar manner.
Bouts of purple liquid spurt out from the stabbed figures mouth as it slowly tilts its head towards Roy, its eyes reflecting despair and dread as it leaks out tears of violet.
The very image pulled from the boy’s demented mind is swiftly overcome by a creeping darkness that stems from these figures and consumes Roy’s whole vision; the angel plummeting down to the earth as the socket his left arm once was start violently pulse.
The giant of wood and flesh finally crash back down in the once pristine valley, the dust swiftly settling to reveal Alex remaining utterly limp while dangling unto the very pike that pierces his body.
“You nasty little devil...” Carila sighs.
The wooden warrior’s arm staggers as she lifts the head of the Tyrannosaurs rex up to the impaled demon; the dinosaurs teeth glistening as its starts to open its drooling maw.
“You’ve caused me enough trouble.”
The T-rex’s mouth just inches away from the black horned boy, a streak of orange zooms through and breaks the demon off the wood woman’s pike just seconds as she bites down; Carila peeking over towards the same direction to discover the orange girl swinging away with the boy on her shoulder.
While Mally flees out towards the jungle’s edge, she peers back to find the giant refusing to pursue as the wooden behemoth rises off the floor to instead face the purple angel; her brother continuing to struggle and tremble as he remains kneeling on the ground.
Come on, Roy. Don’t quit now.
The merc breath shakes as he trembles onto the floor; the giant that he had once tossed aside now towers over him, with her very shadow looming over the young angel.
“Do you feel it yet, Kybr? That is the very same horror and despair that your ancestors had inflicted upon not just me, but all the wood nymphs that had suffered under your power. Unlike those wretched monsters however, I take no joy in watching you suffer from your loss.
Be grateful, young Kybr, for you shall join your demonic ally in his passing very soon.” the giant states, staggering her tyrannosaurus hand down to the trembling angel.
“This day shall be remembered. The day the last of the Kybr are snuffed out from this worlds existence.”
The tyrannosaurus’ close in on the kneeling merc, ready to tear apart the angel with its sharp killer teeth at any moment; its hungering breath waft upon the boy’s entire body.
The very moment the teeth of the beast were on the verge of clasp down upon him, the purple angel finally rises off the valley grass as the stitches along his arm tear off; the Tyrannosaurs rex’s assault suddenly thwarted when strands of pure black puncture through the dinosaurs head.
Carila watches as these newfound strings push their way from the head of the T-rex and weave themselves across the cracks and crevices of her gigantic arm; the wooden warrior gazing down along her limb and discovering the very source of these strands.
From the angel’s missing arm socket do dozens of these black tendrils wriggle out from the depths of his body; drips of the merc’s blood trickling down his torso and staining the grass beneath his feet.
Though the amalgamation of jungle wood and dinosaur flesh attempts to jerk her arm away from the angel standing before her, the numerous strands of black enveloping her arm refuse to free her from their grasp; Roy lifting his head up and staring to her with his eyes glowing a sinister shade of violet.
A single jerk back is all it takes for Roy to rip the gigantic log that was his foes arm straight off the rest of the giant’s body; Carila tumbling back to the edge of the small valley and falling upon the face of a rocky cliffside.
Out from the fall does the wooden woman gaze back towards the violet angel, watching as the Tyrannosaurs rex and all the other tree that made up her severed limb are covered in more and more of these black lines until the fully envelope the limb; all of it swiftly devoured until being reduced to nothing underneath the shadowy mass.
As the giant wooden woman slowly pulls herself up along the cliffside, she keeps her eyes locked to the angel as he starts to hover out to her with his tendrils of pure black squirming like a mass of raging worms.
“You think you’re the only one who can regrow their limbs?” she remarks.
Though the giant reaches her only arm up to the forest above the cliff, not a single roots starts to stretch itself up towards the top no matter how hard she reaches.
“Why...won’t...my arm...My neck!”
Glancing down along the edge of her neckline, she finds the veins that run along the side of it now left severed and disconnected; a seething growl escaping from her mouth as she curses out:
“That little bastard!”
Its in that moment that the angel’s strands of black all wrap around the wooden behemoths massive log of a leg and tear off the entire limb in but an instant; some of the velociraptors that were once trapped within Carila’s body scrambling away through the valley.
Left desperate to end the angel that hovers before her, the wood guardian leaps into the air with but her remaining leg and hammers the head of the triceratops down upon him; the entire jungle trembling from the incredible impact. A moment of silence passes among the small valley, the giant letting a breath escape as she assumes the fight to be over.
Alas does she swiftly retract that same breath as she begin to feel her entire arm quake; the head of the triceratops slowly forced back up by the dozens of the violet angel’s stands of pure black.
“No...No!” Carila screeches; shoving her arm down towards the earth.
Before the giant could crush the angel under her weight, a great surge of purple and dark blasts out from underneath the head of the triceratops; the pulse launching the giant of wood and flesh right off Roy.
The ground beneath the behemoth cracks as she crash back down; Carila peers up from beyond her body to witness all the merc’s tendrils lunge out towards her; their ends transforming sets of deadly sharp teeth that open their maws as they close in.
All the maw made from the dark mass sink their chompers down into the giants very roots and begin to rip and tear apart the wooden guardians gigantic body; stains of chlorophyll and bits of red splattering across the valley grass as Carila struggles and flails under them all.
When attempting to smack all the mouths of dark away with her other arm, she finds the beast itself missing from the end of her limb; the triceratops once trapped among her roots fleeing out in the jungle.
All of her options to retaliate dwindling at the very seems, Carila decides to just simply cut her losses and makes a small branch protrude out from the side of her head; the wood woman pushing up from her shoulder and pulling her head off her giant bodies neck.
Once freeing herself from the roots of her own body, the wooden warriors head leaps away before a set of black teeth could clamp down upon her head; Carila feverishly racing away from the scene and out towards the forest edge.
The violet angel lets all the black strands that had emerged from his arm socket quickly finish devouring what remained of his foe’s abandoned corpse; and though silent, Roy keeping his enraged glare locked to the head as she pathetically flees.
Once getting far enough away from the action, Mally hops down from the tree branches and lands along the jungle floor with the wounded demon in her arms; the orange skater gently setting Alex along his side.
The black horned demon lets out a retching groan as he squirms on the soft grass, the girl stating for him to:
“Take it easy, Alex. Y-You’re gonna be fine.”
“That fucking wooden plank of a nymph! I refuse to be left down by such a dastardly surprise assault!” the demon growls aloud, grasping the pike left stuck within his stomach.
Before the demon could even start to pull the piece of root out from himself, Mally grabs hold of his arm and warns:
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! We can’t just pull that outta ya yet, we don’t got anything to patch it up with.”
“Then what do you suggest we do?”
“I-I don’t-”
A brief breath escapes from the orange skater as she peers up to the roof of the prehistoric cavern; reviewing how:
“Even if we could get back up to the surface, the nearest hospital’s probably miles away. Maybe we can...No...Ah...”
In the midst of breathing through the uninterrupted pain surging through his stomach, a strange scent greets the demon’s nose between his breaths; Alex taking a deeper smell of the air before concluding:
“Is...is that me?”
“Dammit Alex, can you stop thinkin about your self image for one bleeding second and worry about the literal hole in your stomach!?”
“No, you rambunctious git! I can smell more of myself, more of me than their should be.”
“Is all the bleeding making you hallucinate already, or are you just screwing with me? Cause at this point, it seems like either or.”
The skater watches as Alex struggles to pick himself off the jungle grass and starts dragging himself across the floor; the demon heaving himself out towards the direction they’d just came from.
“This...this could be just what I need.” he claims aloud.
“What the hell are you on about?” the girl standing beside her questions.
“This newfound darkness that permeates the air. If I can find and consume it, then it may be enough to patch up this pathetic wound I’m being forced to endure.”
“And you’re sure about that?”
“I’ve never been so sure in my entire life.”
Upon those very words does the demon then feel something sweep him right off the rough jungle floor; Alex gazing up to find himself carried within the orange skaters arms.
“Right, just lead the way.” Mally request as she starts to jog back.
Gently caressed by the skaters firm, but soft arms, Alex reactively transforms into a girl as a bit of blush glows along her cheeks; the demon shaking this off to peer out to the woods ahead.
Feverishly dragging what remains of herself along the grassy valley, the wood woman’s fearful gaze begins turning into a hopeful smile the closer she nears the forest edge; Carila just a couple more feet away from her only salvation out from the brink of her demise.
But just when she was ready to reach her arms out to one of the towering jungle tree, her hopeful grin shatters on the spot when feeling something grasp the back of her head and haul her away from salvation.
“No! No! No! No!” she screams out as the dozens of black strands all jerk her back through the valley plains; the tendrils swiftly tossing her remains through the prehistoric air.
Her careen through the valley air comes to a sudden end when caught by the purple angel’s actual arm, with the merc grip tightening as he clutches the head by the eyes. The wood woman hopelessly struggles as visible cracks start to form around her very head; the base of her neck falling apart as the fractures worsen.
Moments from snuffing out what remained of the once proud guardian, Roy stops tightening his grasps when hearing the head let out a wheezing chuckle; Carila proclaiming with a weak smile:
“So you finally embrace it, do you?...You’ve decided to finish what your ancestors had started so long ago...It’s not surprising, not even a smidgen. Snuffing out the future of a species that your people had dwindled to near nonexistence; you’ll be no better than them in the end.”
“Ya know...”
Upon these very words does the purple angel resume squeezing the head of his foe in his iron grasp, Carila’s face contorting into sheer agony until finally breaking into chunks of withered roots; the wood woman’s remains scattering along the valley grass.
“I can live with that.”
Feeling something left within his grasp, the purple merc opens his palms and discovers something peculiar leftover from her demise; a set of strange seeds now resting in the palm of his hand, decorated with a bright blue circle along the middle.
Hmm…
Among pondering what to do with the leftovers of his foe does he then sense both his sister and his pupil on the approach; Roy dunking the seeds down into his pants pocket as Mally lands behind him.
Once gently setting the wounded demon down upon the gentle valley grass, a stark shock is reflected through the orange skater’s eyes as she peers up to discover all the waving black strands along her brother’s side; stuttering out:
“R-roy?...Wh-what the hell are all those things?”
“Why’d you come back?” he asks her.
“Uh, well. Alex wanted to-”
Midst attempting to explain themselves, the black horned demon herself slowly arises from the valley earth while grasping the pike left lodged in his stomach.
In just a single swift pull does Alex uproot the sharp spike straight out from her body in a splatter of black and red; an action of which catches both Mally and her brother completely off guard.
“Give it to me...Give them to me!” she shrieks before lunging over to the dozens of strands stemming from the merc’s side.
Both the merc and skater remain utterly astonished as the demon sinks her teeth into these black tendrils and tear them right off their stems; Alex slurping them all down like an Italian dish.
While watching the demon continue to consume the numerous strands from her brother’s side, Mally’s attention is drawn over to the open wound left along Alex’s stomach; a thick black goop dripping out from within the demon’s body and filling the hole, all until the terrible wound that she had suffered from moments ago disappears.
A heafty sigh escapes from Alex as she leans away from the tendrils she had spared; claiming with euphoric calm how:
“Ahh. Finally, that horrible pain has ceased.”
“Alex...the fuck happened?” her mentor obviously questions.
After pulling herself off the valley grass, the demon clears her throat before explaining:
“Is it not obvious to you yet? All those black strand that had erupted from you’re arm socket, their very same substance is what makes up my biological makeup; tis why consuming them dressed my wound so efficiently.”
“So this stuff coming out of his arm is some sort of demon goo?” the orange skater behind her asks.
“To be less moronically blunt then that, this substance is one the feeds of negative emotion. I can only imagine something that this purple pervert thought off had awoken it from its slumber.”
“So this stuff is a part of you. So can I...”
Upon pondering of something, the merc begins to concentrate while keeping his eyes locked to the dozens of strands.
All these dozens of black lines start to form together under the merc’s very command, forming straight from his arm socket and growing to match the exact length of his other arm; leaving five strands out along the end to form the fingers and thumb.
Beholding the results of his concentration, Roy thrust his fresh new arm of pure black into the air as he cheers out:
“Hell yeah. Got me a fresh new arm, bitches! I’m ready to belt people across the ass and make em scream out for more...Wonder what jacking it with this must feel like?”
“Hmph. I’d normally be quite upset from this newfound development. The fact that you happen to sprouts a fresh new limb that happens to be made from the same biological material I am.
But seeing how it had bloomed at such a convenient time, I suppose it’s something I can overlook. Consider it a gift then, for your gracious and surprisingly effective training.”
A warm smile stretches across the angel’s cheeks when hearing his pupil state such, responding to the gesture with:
“He he he. That ain’t the only gift that’s being given out today. I got something for ya that you’ll love.”
“Oh, a present for me? You shouldn’t have; but please go on, don’t let me stop you.” the demon tells him with a grin.
Roy approaches the young demon before kneeling down to her very level; putting his hands upon her shoulders and simply stating to her that:
“You pass.”
From these very words does Alex’s grin suddenly break apart at the seems; the demon uttering:
“P-Pardon?”
“Congrats, kid. You graduated from your training, all with flying colors too. You’ve gotten over your smug demeanor and finally shown some actual growth and maturity while under my wing. I’m absolutely certain now that whatever this harsh existence that we have deemed to be life has to blindside ya around the corner with, you got enough in ya to take from their hands and shove it straight back down their damn throat.”
“So...I won’t have to drag myself to your training sessions?” the demon softly asks.
“Yep, you your own demon now.”
“Uh...Well, that’s...quite the relief. All those regimen were beginning to grind through my life.” she responds with half hearted faux smug.
“Hey, uh, hate to bring down this his precious moment of euphoric conclusion of character growth, but I got a hell of a bombshell to drop here.” Mally cuts in with.
“If it ain’t aimed at the Ukraine, the fire away.” her brother requests.
“That memory root made me see a lot of things that Kybr had done in their time; none of it being remotely good.
I’ve seen them change and transform so many lands and homes by just the wave of their hand; uncaring of how many people they kill, lives they ruin, or how many they driven to utter extinction.”
“Eesh. Really that bad.”
“So much worse than you think. And the cherry on top of this impending nightmarish sundae is that I had a horrible realization. Tore’s been out there helping somebody that wants to release them all back into the world.”
“But we still don’t have a single clue where he might be.”
“I think I might know where. But if we don’t hurry back up to the surface and out to them, then we’re gonna have a hell of a lot more problems that nobody can ever prepare themselves for.”
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As so, the truth behind the Kybr and their past has finally been revealed to Mally and her friends, but can she relay this newfound knowledge to her brother in time before those how had once terrorized the universe could be freed? Find out on the season finale of Young hope.
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- transcription by maggie of @tommyplum
You see the idea I fucking hate the most, right, is that everything starts off perfect, yeah, and then it gets worse. That is demonstrably not fucking true. Some things are just born bad. Some people are born with no intention to do anything good on this earth, and they carry out their plan to deceive and cheat and rob and de-sanctify all that is holy just because that is the way that they were born. That's how they are. That's what they do, it is relentless. Relentlessly! Their creed runs thus: if I can, I will rob you. If I must I will kill you, if you let me I will fuck you, when I've fucked you I will leave you.
My father, Alfred Solomons Senior, was such a man with such a creed. He was a dispenser, a dispenser of semen to the gullible and the bewildered, a maker of bastards on a scale unseen since Genghis fucking Khan. A barbarian for whom every empty womb was Rome. He planted the seeds but he did not tend the gardens; he stayed only long enough to piss on the compost. And behead the roses to sell at Summerstown at the market there. With his stolen roses in his pockets he would leap the garden gate, leave them behind, only to send around marzipan, tobacco, and Portugal Water, which he did – he sold out of his suitcase, right, at sixpence a bottle.
At least, that is what I've been told. Yeah, so I'm fucking told, because all I ever saw of him was his fucking hat! It was hanging on the wall, on a nail, above the seat where my mother washed other people's laundry. That hat was a holy relic. Was size eight-and-a-half, made in Luton, where the hat-makers go insane on the fumes of their trade and leave little messages sewn under the hat-bands. The message in my father's hat was this:
THIS HAT, RIGHT, IS A KETTLE. IN WHICH TO BOIL UP YOUR WICKED DREAMS AND MAKE A SOUP OF YOUR SOUL.
It is the hat that actually I wear to this day. It still smells of Portugal Water and when I wear it the schemes and proposals come out of the darkness as if seeping out of the felt and the leather that is stained with his erotic sweat. My mother washed bedsheets. My father was a fucking hat. No kisses, no bedtime stories, just parcels of sheets to deliver to the hotels and the brothels of Camden Town for nothing more than black bread and a pinch from the priest who would then open up his robes when I passed and from that, I drew my dark and accurate conclusions on religion.
So, Alfie Solomons Junior grew untended and wild, a stem with a-hardly a root sticking up like a skinny cock out of the gutter so every nasty little Christian kid walking by their nasty little Christian school with their gropey old Christian masters could kick it down, and stomp on it, and shout, "It was you lot who killed Jesus, ahhh! So have that in your belly, and have that in your face, and see it as charity we're not nailing you up like you did our Lord." But every time I got stomped down I fucking stomped back up again, mate. I survived out of spite. And instead of learning how to fight, I learned how to put right the wrongs done unto me tenfold. A hundr—a thousandfold, yea, unto the fucking stars, right? By using the bit of my body that God had cleverly put inside a strong bone box so the kicks and the digs could not reach it.
The bit of me that is my brain.
With the help of the alchemy of my Portugal Water hat, and the strong bone box, I processed the schemes and solutions the mad hatters of Luton and my father had put there; my brain a factory producing schemes and solutions, dodges and speculations, ways around, ways to undermine, a trickle at night and a flood in the day when I unlock my bakery and smell the aroma of secrets, and sin, and begin the process of accumulation.
I am the chairman of Alfie Solomons’ Aerated Bread Company, of Bonny Street, Camden Town, to be precise. My two vice chairmen are Mister Threat and Mister Violence, and the former I prefer, but! But. The latter is necessary to support the former, because without violence there is no threat, and without threat there is no accumulation. Without accumulation? Well there's just no fucking point, mate.
As a baker, I occasionally sell bread. As a bookmaker, I occasionally let the fastest horse win. As a landlord, I occasionally have a roof fixed. But mostly I find it is quicker and it is easier to deal with the complainant, right, rather than deal with the complaint.
From all of this you are drawing your conclusions: Alfie Solomons, begat from a bad man, and – beguiled by a hat-band – became a bad man who inspires bad men to do bad things in bad ways to good people who have bad bad luck! But is good enough to at least admit he's a fucking bad, bad man! Hnnnnff.
…but. Consider this, right? In all my years, yeah, as a baker in Camden Town, I have overseen – I have organized, or otherwise been responsible for – the deaths, right, of thirty-five fucking men. All of whom, I'll have you know, attend my dreams each night in various disguises, in regular order, with no pattern or logic to it but with the consequence that I wake up each morning in sheets that have been – they have to be wrung out, from sweat, right, by my maid Edna. Who, it should be noted, I have never had an evil thought about in fifteen years because when she washes my sweat from the sheets she reminds me of my poor mother, now residing in Hell and washing the robes of Satan himself.
So. Thirty-five men, thirty-five times … I am a bad man. But here is where mathematics comes to my rescue. Logic rides in like an accountant on a penny-farthing just in time to wave proof of mitigation before moral bankruptcy is officially declared, yeah? Here it is, ahrummm, here is what logic puts forward in my defense:
In France, right, Passchendaele for example, take one day, one hour, one fucking second: I am standing, right, in the uncultivated mud, a stem with hardly a root; in my hands, I have an artillery shell. It is the size and weight of a newborn baby. A little bastard, made in Birmingham, sharp-nosed, the colour of the morning sky; and in that one second, one fucking second of one day, of one month, of four years, in that one second I feed that baby to the upturned mortar barrel arse-first. I turn, I put my fingers in my ears, and … BOOM. I send my baby into the morning sky, to do the only job it was ever, ever intended to do. Two seconds later, another boom, and there, in the mud, over there, lie thirty-six men.
Brown bread.
The thirty-six killed by the soldier, right, are just as dead, right, as the thirty-five killed by the baker. But the thirty-six, they do not attend my dreams and are not there in God's ledger counting the good against the bad. I was given a medal for the thirty-six. But I took a bullet from the Peaky Blinders for the thirty-five. So.
Therefore, my beloved congregation, I will leave you with this conclusion, right:
There is no good and there is no bad that is categorical in this world beyond the calculations of powerful men, right, who shift the definition according to their own selfish schemes of accumulation. The only things that are categorical are life and death, and for argument's sake we say life is good, and death is bad – purely, purely, for argument's sake. Which means … which means my father was fucking right, mate. You dispense your semen, you piss on the compost, you deadhead the fucking roses, leap the garden gate, take what you’ve stolen to market and you sell it at a reasonable price, leaving behind only your hat and the scent of your fucking wares, mate.
That is the creed of Alfie Solomons. A lame shepherd among nimble goats who nevertheless at the stable doors shall be counted and accumulated as lambs to my gentle slaughter. Because never forget this, right:
Alfie Solomons is always waiting.
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The Gospel of Alfie Solomons: Part I
Written by Steven Knight. Transcribed from a recording by Tom Hardy.
You see the idea I fucking hate the most, right, is that everything starts off perfect and then it gets worse. That is demonstrably not fucking true. Some things are just born bad. Some people are born with no intention to do anything good on this earth and they carry out their plan to deceive and cheat and rob and desanctify all that is holy just because that is the way that they were born, that is how they are, that is what they do. Relentless, relentlessly. Their creed runs thus…
If I can I will rob you, if I must I will kill you, if you let me I will fuck you, when I’ve fucked you I will leave you.
My father, Alfred Solomons Senior, was such a man with such a creed. He was a dispenser, a dispenser of semen to the gullible and the bewildered, a maker of bastards on a scale unseen since Genghis fucking Khan; a barbarian for whom every empty womb was Rome. He planted the seeds but he did not tend the gardens. He stayed only long enough to piss on the compost and behead the roses to sell in Summers Town in the market there. With his stolen roses in his pockets he would leap the garden gate, leaving behind only the scent of rum, marzipan, tobacco and Portugal Water which he did, he sold out of his suitcase, right, at 6 pence a bottle. At least that is what I’ve been told. Yeah, someone fucking told ‘cause all I ever saw of him was his fucking hat. It was hanging on a wall on a nail above the sink where my mother washed other people’s laundry. That hat was a holy relic, size eight and a half, made in Luton, where the hat makers go insane on the fumes of their trade and leave little messages sewn under the hat bands. The message in my father’s hat was this:
This hat, right, is a kettle in which to boil up your wicked dreams and make a soup of your soul.
It is a hat that actually I wear to this day, it still smells of Portugal Water; when I wear it the schemes and proposals come out of the darkness as if seeping out of the felt and the leather that is stained with his erotic sweat.
My mother washed bedsheets, my father was a fucking hat. No kisses, no bedtime stories just parcels of sheets to deliver to the hotels and the brothels of Camden Town for nothing more than flatbread and a pinch from the priest who would then open up his robes when I passed. And from that I drew my dark and accurate conclusions on religion.
So, Alfie Solomons Junior grew untended and wild, a stem with hardly a root sticking up like a skinny cock out of the gutter so every nasty little Christian kid walking by their nasty little Christian school with their gropey old Christian masters could kick it down and stomp on it and shout, “it was you lot who killed Jesus so have that in your belly and have that in your face and see it as charity. We’re not nailing you up like you did our Lord.”
But every time I got stomped down I fucking stomped back up again, mate. I survived out of spite and instead of learning how to fight I learned how to put right the wrongs done unto me tenfold, a hundred…a thousandfold, yay, unto the fucking stars, right, by using the bit of my body that God had cleverly put inside a strong bone box so the kicks and the digs could not reach it. The bit of me that is my brain. With the help of the alchemy of my Portugal Water hat in the strong bone box I process the schemes and solutions the mad hatters of Luton and my father had put there; my brain a factory producing schemes and solutions dodges and speculations ways around and ways to undermine, a trickle at night and a flood in the day when I unlock my bakery and smell the aroma of secrets and sit and begin the process of accumulation.
I am the Chairman of Alfie Solomons’ Aerated Bread Company, Bonny Street, Camden Town to be precise. My two Vice Chairmen are Mr Threat and Mr Violence and the former I prefer but, but, the latter is necessary to support the former because without violence there is no threat and without threat there is no accumulation, without accumulation well there’s just no fucking point, mate.
As a baker I occasionally sell bread. As a bookmaker I occasionally let the fastest horse win. As a landlord I occasionally have a roof fixed. But mostly I find it is quicker and it is easier to deal with the complainant, right, rather than deal with the complaint. From all of this you are drawing your conclusions.
Alfie Solomons, begat from a bad man, beguiled by a hat band, became a bad man. Inspires bad men to do bad things in bad ways to good people who have bad, bad luck – but is good enough to at least admit he is a fucking bad, bad man.
But consider this, right, in all my years as a baker in Camden Town I have overseen, I have organised or otherwise been responsible for the deaths, right, of thirty-five fucking men. All of whom, I’ll have you know, attend my dreams each night in various disguises, in irregular order, with no pattern or logic to it but with the consequence that I wake up each morning in sheets that, they have to be wrung out from sweat, right, by my maid, Edna, who it should be noted I have never had an evil thought about in fifteen years because when she washes my sweat from the sheets she reminds me of my poor mother, now residing in hell and washing the robes of satan himself.
So, thirty-five men, thirty-five times, I am a bad man. But here is where mathematics comes to my rescue. Logic rides in like an accountant on a penny farthing just in time to make proof of mitigation before moral bankruptcy is officially declared, yeah. Here is, here is what logic puts forward in my defence. In France, right, Passchendaele for example, take one day, one hour, one fucking second, I am standing, right in the uncultivated mud, a stem with hardly a root. In my hands I have an artillery shell. It is the size and weight of a newborn baby, a little bastard made in Birmingham – sharp nose the colour of the morning sky. And in that one second, right, one fucking second of one day of one month of four years, in that one second I feed that baby to the upturned mortar barrel, arse first, I turn, I put my fingers in my ears and boom I send my baby into the morning sky to do the only job it was ever, ever intended to do. Two seconds later another boom and there, in the mud, over there, lie thirty-six men. Brown bread. The thirty-six killed by the solider, right, are just as dead, right, as the thirty-five killed by the baker, but the thirty-six, they do not attend my dreams and are not there in God’s ledger counting the good against the bad. I was given a medal for the thirty-six but I took a bullet from the Peaky Blinders for the thirty-five. So.
Therefore, my beloved congregation, I will leave you with this conclusion, right. There is no good and there is no bad, that is categorical, in this world beyond the calculations of powerful men, right, who shift the definition according to their own selfish schemes of accumulation. The only things that are categorical are life and death. For argument’s sake we’ll say life is good and death is bad … purely, purely for argument’s sake. Which means, which means my father was fucking right, mate, you dispense your semen, you piss on the compost, you deadhead the fucking roses, leave the garden gate, take what you’ve stolen to market and you sell it at a reasonable price leaving behind only your hat and the scent of your fucking wares mate. That is the creed of Alfie Solomons.
A lame shepherd among nimble goats who nevertheless, at the stable doors, shall be counted and accumulated as lambs to my gentle slaughter. Because never forget this, right, Alfie Solomons is always waiting.
Listen to Tom Hardy’s performance here.
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Slacker kids made do.
I am fucking going to make 1988-92 San Fernando Valley Gen X Gothic at some point because it is very, very clear that everyone has forgotten that Gen X had a youth culture *at all*.
To me, "grunge" had a broader context: that of coming of age during deindustrialization, and repurposing the empty spaces left behind.
Gen Jones/older Gen X in my region were children when the Valley had robust family entertainment offerings such as its own theme park - Busch Gardens - and multiple petting zoo type experiences. It had wacky theme restaurants. It had discotheques and youth spaces.
The late 60s to late 70s experience was one where families and teenagers were a major market segment.
That's the thing, in my space we came of age in - for reference, I was born in 1973 - I *expected* to be able to do all of these things but they were all closing down, one by one. The Valley was changing; my own area had de-redlined years before, and now white flight was underway, and a series of plant closures. As the region became more diverse, lots of stuff closed. "Youth" practically became a dog-whistle term. We just can't have nice things.
And by the time I hit my teens, the teen spaces and clubs I'd looked forward to going to, were gone.
But the slow apocalypse we lived through that turned parts of the Valley into ghost town, left behind abandoned storage spaces and industrial spaces perfect for forbidden exploration.
My friends lived for local urban legends, like... was there really a Satanic cult meeting up at Vanalden Cave? I don't know.
Nature abhors a vacuum, and empty swimming pools made ad-hoc skate parks. We hung out in the head shops talking to the old hippies, and found a space in used record stores. And sometimes we crammed into each other's basements, playing music or AD&D. We harassed our friends at their service jobs ("Clerks" is so true to life). We drove around aimlessly. We hung out at Denny's and Norms into the small hours. We people watched in malls. Some of my friends were into Rocky Horror Picture Show, that's the scene the closeted LGBTQ kids were all hitting up.
(I realize all of this is a specific social space's experience, and probably class/race specific. I realize many of my friends and classmates were kids who weren't going to get disproportionately mistreated for trespassing, aimless driving, or loitering in retail spaces.)
There was a kind of aimlessness to it all. It was a different time to be a teenager. Lots of us still worked, drove, fucked, and some of us even smoked. We were expected to follow roughly the same trajectory as our parents and grandparents.
But we didn't get to be adults, either.
By the time we graduated, the jobs weren't there. I knew about 4 teens who only found out as of their high school graduation that college was not in the cards, when they discovered they could neither get parental help nor financial aid. Many of my friends got into computers because it was the only lifeboat off of a sinking ship. That's why I did.
We were left to figure so much out on our own. I know so many middle class Gen Xrs who barely had any parenting at all as of their teens. So many of our parents were just solipsistic levels of self-absorption and obliviousness. We swore we'd do better, so we fucked Gen Z up in new and inventive ways nobody had ever heard of before.
Wouldn't want you to play in the same landfill we parkoured through, the same strip mall parking lot we loitered in. The consequences are so much worse now.
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Au where tweek is a farm kid :D
Anon I need you to get out of my head because I’ve been toying with a farmboy!Tweek AU for months now.
Like, in the AU, the Tweaks get caught lacing their coffee with meth really early on. And since I headcanon that the Tweaks moved to South Park when Tweek was five or six years old, I kind of set the AU to some point before that. So, Tweek ends up with a foster family and never moves to South Park until much, much later. (When he’s nine or ten.) His foster parents operate a small family farm/homestead operation, and Tweek ends up really getting into the whole plant and animal husbandry thing.
At first, he absolutely hates the smell of the barn. His foster siblings love it, because they grew up with it, but Tweek thinks its acrid and smells literally like shit. But over the course of a few months, he ends up going a bit nose blind to it and even starts to like it as he starts to associate the stink with his new family and the more positive aspects of his new life. He discovers that mucking out the stalls is actually kind of therapeutic: he can scrap it, pitch it, and take out some of his frustrations on it and no one’s gonna complain.
Tweek eventually develops a very antagonist relationship with one of the milk cows. Her name is Satin, but he calls her Satan and she takes every opportunity to make his life difficult. She settle into her nice, clean, freshly bedded stall, look him straight in the eye, and take a massive shit right in the middle of his perfectly done pack. When he has to tie her up for any reason, she loves to smash him into the wall or the bars. She’s stepped on both of his feet within the first six months. She’ll follow him around the pen and ram her head against his backside if she was kept in for the day. She’ll shit in the water bucket if she knows he’s the one who cleaned it. When Tweek has to lead her anywhere, she either digs in her hooves and he has to drag her or she’ll practically run him over.
The real irony of it all is she actually treats him the nicest out of everyone in the family. If he’s not careful, she’ll start licking his hair or his clothes like he’s some sort of kitten. So Tweek’s the one who always ends up having to deal with her. His favorite cow is a massive Holstein named Violet. She’s a huge sweetheart who loves getting head and neck rubs, and she’s shoved Satin for bullying Tweek a time or two.
But where Tweek really shines is in the gardens. His foster mother has a real strong green thumb, and she’s a strong believer in garden therapy. She teaches him everything about virtually every kind of plant. After his first planting season/spring with this family, Tweek knows what plants grow best together, the most effective ways to keep plants like raspberry bushes and mint from wrecking havoc and unleashing all-out-war on their neighbors, the meanings of almost 100 different flowers, and how to trim the fruit trees to keep them free of disease. When time comes to harvest, his foster mom shows him how to make jams and jellies, how to preserve and can fruits and vegetables, and all the different sorts of homemade salves and remedies he can make from the herbs and the other plants.
His foster father teaches him how to keep the machinery in good repair, and Tweek comes to have a grudging acceptance of the scent of motor oil, diesel, and sweat. He’s also taught how to drive the equipment, and how to till and sow the crop fields. He learns all about crop rotation, the best crops to plant after something else, and how to properly irrigate the fields.
There are some aspects of farmlife he never quite gets the hang of: sending any of the animals to slaughter (he cried for weeks when they had to send off a sweet Freemartin Holstein (freemartin = female calf born as a twin to a bull; they almost never develop reproductive organs or potential) and he threw up when they had to slaughter one of the meat rabbits), the absolute miserable mugginess of the barn in summer, and pervasive paranoia that he smells like manure even after a twenty-minute shower. But he adjusts just fine, otherwise, and he’s never asked to do anything he’s not comfortable doing.
(Click through the readmore for how I see Creek playing out in this AU.)
At some point, they end up moving the farm to Colorado, and Tweek ends up in South Park. Because somethings are universal constants, and one of them is Tweek ending up in Craig Tucker’s life. By this point, Tweek’s kind of developed a thing for plaid. Sometimes he’ll come to school with soaking wet hair because he ends up face-planting in the slop during morning chores. Some days he’ll show up with bits of hay and straw in his hair and clothes. But he always smells like fresh air. He’s not as twitchy as canon Tweek, because he doesn’t have the meth or the coffee worsening his symptoms, and he’s actually on proper medication. But sometimes he’ll have twitches and spasms he can’t control, so he still ends up catching Craig’s attention.
Tweek ends up largely responsible for his family’s stand at the farmers’ market. He’s had several years of practice, and he’s really good at handling the money and moving the products. He’s typically supervised by his grandmother, but it’s more of a formality than anything else. She usually just sits behind the stand and knits or crochets while Tweek handles the majority of the business. The Tuckers go to one of the markets, because Laura’s been curious about the new set up and Thomas thinks it might be a good excuse to get the kids out of the house and away from their screens.
Now, Tweek’s family is very good at the farmers’ market thing. They go all out on their display, they sell a wide range of products ranging from fresh and canned fruit and vegetables and other foodstuffs to flowers and bouquets to more crafty type goods, like handmade blankets and soaps. They’ve had years to hone their presentation, so their stand gets a lot of traffic. Craig takes one look at Tweek, decked out in a green plaid shirt and denim overalls with tiny baby kitten in the big breast pocket and he’s gone.
He ends up at Tweek’s stand, pretending he’s only there for the basket full of kittens (they’re so small and fluffy and their little tails are just cute little triangles) but he’s trying to sneak glimpses of this kid. Some of Tweek’s siblings show up to lighten the load as the traffic picks up, and Tweek ends up wandering over to coo over the kittens for a bit with Craig. They end up talking for way longer than Tweek’s self-allotted five minute break, and his stepsisters tease him a bit about the cute boy he spent nearly a whole hour talking to. Craig makes it all the way home before he realizes he’s still got the baby calico he and Tweek bonded over. After a small display of exasperation, Thomas and Laura decide to let Craig keep it.
And it snowballs from there. Token invites Tweek to sit with them at lunch, Clyde invites him to join in on their weekly Friday video game night, Jimmy discovers Tweek has a meme sense of humor and is living. Craig gets caught staring by his friends more times than he’d ever want to admit.
Stan’s Gang still try to get Craig and Tweek to fight, but that whole endeavor ends with Tweek punching Cartman’s lights out after he tried to insinuate that Craig insulted Tweek’s raspberry jam. (Craig is allergic to raspberries and has therefore never tried it.) Craig has never been more gone for Tweek than in that moment.
The yaoi incident still takes place, but instead of Craig angrily trying to assert his (non-existent) heterosexuality, he’s more mortified because…yeah, he really, really, really likes Tweek, but he didn’t think he was so obvious about it that the whole fucking school had him figured out. Instead of a fake break up, Tweek goes to Craig first. And since Tweek’s a lot more stable and secure in himself than canon!Tweek, he manages to get Craig to confess about a few of his insecurities with coming out. Tweek offers him his support, and it kind of turns into a bit of an emotional moment that Thomas ends up overhearing. Not wanting to be the reason his son is unhappy or scared, Thomas still gives Craig the “I like gay Craig” speech. (Because that speech is critical to Craig’s development and you can pry it out of my cold, dead hands.)
When Craig tracks Tweek down, he’s in the farmers’ market. It’s still a very similar idea: Craig offers his hand, and after a moment, Tweek takes it. But this time, Craig’s blushing like crazy because he wants this so much, and it’s okay for him to want it; and Tweek’s smiling because he’s gotten to know Craig in such a short amount of time, but Craig already means so much to him and seeing him brave enough to give this a try makes his heart hurt in the nicest ways.
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ok. I’m going to write this novel. it’s going to be so long that I’m actually using the website....not my phone. because keyboard. Here we go:
Ghost. Oakland, CA. 7/5/17.
So my friend Sarah and I went to see ghost and iron maiden in Oakland. If you don’t give two shits about my san francisco adventures and just want to read about ghost....skip down. It was a bit of a hot mess of a trip. I had to work monday, So I worked my 8 hours and then left to pick her up. Because both of us are night people and night driving is WAY better than day driving. traffic in seattle was a complete nightmare starting out. there was a huge accident at the west seattle bridge exit. So I finally get to tacoma and pick her up.
(nice unintentional product placement for the best nameless ghoul tote bags ever)...we stop at fred meyer and get car supplies and gas. Then we are on our way. We make a stop in portland for dinner and an awesome visit with @lucifersbrightstar....we had such a good time!! (seriously, it was really great to hang out!!! <3 )eventually we head for cali. We made such great time. Sarah ptfo around medford. And as I’m flying down I5 the sun is beginning to come up and as I make it to the cali border and the ipod (on shuffle) is playing ghost’s cover of “here comes the sun”......I almost started crying it was such a beautiful moment.....like you can’t make this shit up.....
We made such good time we made it to the hotel hours before check in....we even went and scoped out the venue and everything....but by that time I was like “I need sleep now” So we check with the hotel and they were like Sure! check in now! your room is ready! and thank satan for that....because I went and ptfo. We rested and slept a couple hours before heading into San Francisco. We took the BART.
...which I’ve never been on a subway....we don’t have these things in seattle....That shit is scary as fuck. I mean it starts out above ground..much like the monorail here....SUPER easy and fun..... and then all of the sudden the thing is SHRIEKING like a fucking demon going 80million miles an hour and going down to the pits of hell so fast that your ears are popping. and then you end up in san francisco. we then went to chinatown..
its such a fun area...by this time though it’s been over 13 hours since I’d eaten and I fell into Eskimo Hungry™ mode. Like....if you don’t know what that is...you don’t WANT to know what that is....but if you don’t keep your Eskimo fed....it’s not pretty. So Sarah leads me into the snow garden restaurant and we order so much food. And she’s like “....are you mad at me?!?!?”.....and I then had to explain what Eskimo Hungry™ is. I then consumed some chicken chow mein and half a dozen pot stickers AND TWO!!! shrimps. I hate shrimp. They taste good....but I just can’t do the texture. But I got TWO down. I was so proud. I’ve never eaten more than one in a sitting. Then the world was right again and we went and looked at all the things!! She bought herself a black pearl (she’s a pirate....btw....like “this is not a hobby” type of pirate)(...actually her hobby is burlesque dancing....).....(....did I mention she’s one of my coolest friends?)...so she bought herself a black pearl necklace and comes up and also buys me this blue pearl necklace that matches my hair color...IT WAS THE SWEETEST THING EVER.
So then we just wander around all these random shops.....and we go in this knife shop....because she’s in the market for a pirate sword....and I saw this knife. I don’t like knives. or weapons. or guns. or anything like that. But I was like......I.must.have.that....i don’t know why I must have that. but I must. And then I’m like...noooo. I don’t need it. But then I was like...well if it’s under $20. I”ll do it. So I ask how much and the lady is like $17. And I was like naaaahh. this isn’t my jam. I don’t need it. and so I walk over to sarah and she’s like are you going to get it? I’m like....it’s $17.....and she said I should get it. So I did. So now how I have beautiful oil slick looking knife which I’m not sure is legal or not. but I love it? So then we travel down to the shopping area....and walk through this crazy tunnel:
and end up in the shopping area. I found a huge chewbacca. he was like 6′5.
I found a pineapple shirt (and knew @yourinfernalmajesty1 would approve) in no other place than fucking H&M.....because of course:
Then I saw the awesomest fountain thing....I saw it and IMMEDIATELY was like murder castle......MURDER CASTLE!!!!!!! H.H.HOLMES. YOU GUYS.
of course Sarah was just like “ok heather...?!?!.”.....and I”m just like “what? am I the only fucked up one here? it’s cool.....I get it....murder isn’t everyone’s cup of tea”....I then found palm trees......I had never touched a palm tree. Or really even seen one up close in real life. Those fuckers are HUGE. Day=Made. So excite.
Then we went to sephora because it was like 4x the size of ANY sephora we have up here. I got the new Urban Decay Veletizer. (10/10 would recommend.) We then were going to take the trolly, but it wasn’t running because it was the 4th of july. But they had a free shuttle down to the place for fireworks. We were waiting by the stop and this scandinavian couple started chatting with us.....it took EVERYTHING in me to not say “kommer ni från Sverige?”....because they were so swedish it was painful. The shuttle was fun:
but terrifying......the bus driver was INSANE. I was shocked we didn’t crash and die.
our houses here look so different. Like it feels more like a different country down there than it does in Vancouver....which is actually a different country.
We went by Lombard St....which was really cool and kinda unreal to actually see in person. It has such a different vibe than seattle.
So alien. So then we are down by the water. And friggin Alcatraz. I saw friggin Alcatraz!!!! What the fuck. SO AWESOME. I had to take a selfie with Alcatraz.
then I had to take a photo of Sarah with Alcatraz. I was so stoked to see it.
We then went and got Ghirardelli sundaes and coffee at Ghirardelli Square.....I was double fisting like a fuckin champ.
We we watched the not so impressive fireworks show that was hidden in the clouds for the most part....being from seattle.....it wasn’t that disappointing. just more normal. hahaha. We then walked 80 miles back to the BART.
We stopped and got some adult beverages on the way....And FINALLY at like midnight made it back to the hotel......where I looked in my bag:
....carries everything. full bottle of wine, blue pearls, BART card. shank. UD makeup. ice cream sundae....you know....the essentials. We then started are daily ritual of in and out burger......I ate more burgers this week than I have in the past year.
At this point I finally sleep for more than a few hours. We woke up the next day and I’m like a HUGE ball of energy....because ghost. We eat breakfast at the diner across the street from the hotel and discuss game plan. We then went to walgreens because Sarah was having bad sinus allergies and also had wore new boots all around the day before and needed a blister cover.
Now...for the GHOST part of the trip:
We then go back to the hotel and get ready to go. I finally put on the beautiful dress I made.
We called a cab and went down to stand in line for pit entry....because if I’m going to see ghost....I WILL be at the front. We looked fucking awesome btw....if I do say so myself:
That venue’s ticketing system is a fucking nightmare. I had purchased my two pit tickets back on presale in January. They allowed you NO (0,none,ziltch) tickets. but put the tickets attached to the number of the credit/debit card you purchased them with. Also you HAD to enter ALL at once AT the EXACT same time. And literally no one at the venue knew what to do with me and Sarah, because I was VIP/meet&greet and she was not. So I had paid (dearly) for early entry, but if I went in she would not be allowed in. Because VIP was plaza entrance and pit was south tunnel entrance. So I asked the lady running the iron maiden vip (ghost vip wasn’t even there yet)...and she was just like you have to ask nik. So by then the ghost vip crowd had gotten about as big as it was going to get (SUPER SMALL. like 20) and I was chatting with a couple people....some of which already follow me!! it was so cool! lol. So finally nik comes out and I tell him my situation with the tickets and he’s like well I”ll just check you in for vip right now and you can go stand with her in the pit line, because honestly ghost vip only get in 5 minutes before everyone else.....and ALL of the vip iron maiden fans are already in there. So he checks me in...and I find out I get to carry around a ouija board ALL night. for the entire show......like.....did they think this through? And I didn’t drive there.....soooo I had no where to put it and was forced to just carry it. And the little itty bitty sack they give you doesn’t even fit it:
So what I ended up doing....is threading my purse strap through each side string and then putting each loop around each arm and it fashioned a sort of backpack(which were 120% illegal, not allowed at this show, leave now, type of venue)....SO STUPID. But really a different and imaginative VIP incentive really. So much better than the shirt from last year. So I was ok with it. So then we go in and go to the front of the currently empty venue. And Sarah holds a spot (and my ouija board) for me up front while I go to the place to meet for the photos. I went and saw the people who I chatted with outside and akwardly joined them. It was actually really cool to hang out with other Ghost fans, not alot of them up here in seattle, I feel like. So we got talking and we decided that we wanted a tumblr photo with papa....so me, @jennwearsblack , @burnthewitchiii , and her friend (katie?) all figured we would ask if we could do one big group photo. So watch out for that!! :D I feel like it’s going to be fucking awesome!! So then nik came and herded us all down to this small room with this weird curtained off section with black fabric.....total step up from last year. but a little odd imo. you couldn’t watch the other people photos like you could last year....like it was private. so we wait in line and nervously chat. Finally it’s our turn and we all go in and take the group photo.....then we all exit back through the entrance to take individuals. I feel like we didn’t really ask if that was ok, or give them an option about it, or a chance to tell us “no, that’s not ok.” hahaha. So finally it’s my turn.....and I go in and hand him the envelope with the doll from @lucifersbrightstar and a couple of my own photos I had printed out for him.....but I put them in such a way he couldn’t see them?....because I don’t think I could handle papa looking at my photo in front of me again. When he did that last year I basically was like “OH THANKS” and turned and ran away from him while he’s holding a small pile of photos. hahah. oh dear. So he went over and gave the packet to.....the manager dude who I totally recognize, but who’s name I don’t know. The one whom I shoved ALL my shit (purse, merch, vip bag, laminent, etc) in his arms last year while I did my photo. (bless him)....And so then papa comes back and I go “I want to do an akward prom pose! and then one with our nails!” and him and nik both kinda tried to hold in laughs. Because that’s gotta be one of the best requests ever....if I do say so myself. And then I start thinking how this is going to work out and where and how to stand and while mid thought papa goes “OKEJ. lik dis?” in his papa voice....and in one swift movement grabs me by the waist, flips me around, so all of the sudden I”m in front of him, facing the camera, and then pulls me back so my back completely pressed up against his front, and his hands are on my stomach holding me there.....I froze and didn’t know what to do. because that’s NOT at ALL what I meant or expected....I wanted like 4 feet apart hand on shoulder akward.....but his super confident un-gentle movements and his hands on my stomach freaked me out to the point where it took me a moment to realize that I am standing there holding both of my own hands in the air while papas are around me and nik is standing there with the camera staring at me waiting for me to put my hands down....so finally my brain kicks in and is like “PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN BITCH. JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST. GET IT TOGETHER”....so I lowered my hands to papas with an akward unintentional pat pat and nik took the photo. then I was like....”nails”...and I made a stupid face and papa made a stupid face and we held our hands up...and he took the second shot and I gtfo. asap. run away. i was SHOOK fam....my groove was thrown off. I am sure I look like jabba the hut in the photo from the way papa was holding my top half back at an angle and how nik was looking up at us. I probably have like 80 chins despite my on point contouring. I booked it back to Sarah and was like “WWWWHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. *SOB* IT DID NOT GO AS PLANNED. *UGLY TEARLESS SOBBING*=‘(” (..............what?.....I wasn’t about to fuckup my close to flawless make up.....or cry out the contact....)....I was shaking.....that’s not something I ever do....I generally own up to everything that happens....and I rarely get nervous around people.....I’ve photoed and met so many idiot bands....like it’s just not nerve wracking at all to deal with idiot band people......but I was like....*holds shakey hand up* “WHAT IS THIS. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME. AM I DYING. I THINK I’M DYING. *TEARLESS SOB*”......she then left me to go find beverages($9 for a fucking bottle of water if you were wondering)(she was going to get adult beverage....but at $17 a shot....she wisely passed on that)(ps--fuuck you arena shows)....that’s when I panic posted that little blurb that’s got over 60 notes(why tho)....*cries*....of course then I over analyzed and remembered what I had said about my meet and greet last year:
....then I was like...”...uuhhh.....I sure as fuck hope he didn’t read that”.....because the demeanor and vibe from him this time was like so exact opposite....and we all know he’s a fuckin lurker......*has minor breakdown* ....because honestly this is more what I was going for this year....was the akward prom pose:
...i liked that...ugh. this years photo is going to be horrible and I’m going to cry....
.....then I’m going to get my shit together...open up photoshop.....and make it work......
So then the show started and it was SO AWESOME. Fire really made it for me....totally sold me on the new ghouls. That dude is a fucking treasure.
I had so many special moments with that little ghoul......Everyone’s like “PAPA POSES FOR YOU ALL THE TIME”.....and I’m just like.....nah. he’s just doin things that papas do. goin about his papa business. per usual. it’s not my fault papa business is photogenic........fire, however. That dude would hold a pose for hours for me if I asked, I think. hahahaha. He’s so fantastic and fun and he gives so much energy.....and also takes so much energy. more so than anyone I’ve ever photoed. it was really fun to photo and watch. one time I somehow felt like he was giving me shit for photoing another ghoul...my camera was pointed somewhere else, satan forbid. and I saw him gesturing out of the corner of my eye. So I looked straight at him and made a face and stuck out my tongue while still photoing someone else and he just shook his head and then shook his finger at me. I adore him. hahahaha. There was one time where papa did his “stare into your soul” thing.....so I just stopped photoing and stared back....like “two can play that game, bitch”......I could not see new new new earth at all. what so ever. was kinda sad about that. he seemed? to do well? I mean sounded good. I still hate chAir. Still petitioning for a new Air ghoul. dude is a terrible nameless ghoul. like.....no. gå hem. vi vill inte dig. du får inte sitta med oss......no matter how good at sitting you are......ha. only new ghoul I’m not sold on. New new new water is absolutely precious. New new aether is quite a character. His poppunk/glam jumps off boxes are life. It was over way too soon. Fire tried to toss me a pick but didn’t quite get it to me. we both just shrugged at each other. lol. Then during set changes the entire crowd shifted....in a bad way. the dude next to us got fucking head butted hard and went down. security came in and removed the headbutter. but people were still being horrible....WITH NO BAND EVEN PLAYING.....Sarah got hit hard too.....and she’s recovering from a shoulder injury and so we only lasted one song up front before we gtfo. and retreated to a safer spot:
It was a sold out show. 4000 people were behind us for ghost:
....Iron Maiden fans....as far as the eye could see.....
We went and got merch during iron maiden. I asked the merch girl for the “ghost tesla shirt” and she was like “I don’t know which one that is”.......I was just like....you’re fucking kidding me right?....then once she figured out which she’s like we only have it in large and up.....so someday I’ll make a dress out of it. lol. until then I”ll just swim in it.....it already goes like half way down my thigh. lol. So then we watched the rest of iron maiden from further back.....it was a really awesome show. Their stage set up is phenomenal. So then it ends and we contemplate trying to meet ghost....and find a lost older man with a dead phone(hi richard!) who was desperately trying to find his people...lol...I ended up calling his friend...and leaving a message..”HI....I’m here with your friend richard at the north entrance....please come get him”....haha...eventually they came found him and scolded him and thanked us for keeping him safe?? hahahahah. good times.....then it was good we didn’t try to meet the ghouls....cause I guess they left before it was even over. So I was fairly heartbroken about it....because I don’t know when/if I’ll ever get to meet the new ghouls. I really do like them(aside from chAir)....I really hope papa keeps them around.(aside from chAir).....So then we call a cab to get us back to our hotel......and they’re like....we just sent our last two cabs for the night. sorry....and people were saying uber was a 2 hour wait......so we ended up WALKING back to our hotel....... Luckily it wasn’t too far....but it was far enough....and I was in huge strappy platforms and a floor length dress. good times.....maybe not so much. But we made it. And then we went and got our ritualistic in and out burgers. That shit is so fucking good. and I don’t know why. Then I posted all the photos and mourned the fact that it was over....I was still buzzing with crazy energy and Sarah fell asleep...lol. Eventually I crashed too. we woke up the next morning, packed and headed home. It was THE WORST DRIVE EVER.....what took us like 11ish hours to get there.....it took us SEVENTEEN to get back. we stopped for coffee. and we stopped for in and out one last time.......the rest was spent stuck in traffic and road work for miles and miles. it took us HOURS and HOURS and HOURS just to get out of the god forsaken hell that is northern california.
we flew through southern oregon.....until just north of salem....where we sat....like chAir.....in traffic. and roadwork. for fucking hours and hours. not. happy.
...we figured I would get home around midnight....including a stop in oregon for a smidge of tax free shopping....not only did we not make it in time for oregon stores to be open......I GOT HOME AT 4:30AM......and that concludes the epic, crazy, wouldn’t trade it for anything, hot, fucking mess, of a trip that me and a friend took to see ghost. Because I’m pretty sure that will be the last time I ever see papa III.....and I would have regretted it my entire life if I hadn’t seen him one last time.
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20 Gift Ideas To Order From London Restaurants added to Google Docs
20 Gift Ideas To Order From London Restaurants
One of everyone’s great takeaways (no, not that kind) over lockdown has been that there is nothing, literally nothing, more thrilling than the doorbell ringing. The anticipation. The excitement. The inevitable disappointment when it’s for your neighbour. But, imagine if it wasn’t. Imagine if it was an Ottolenghi hamper for your parents, or a half-litre of honeycomb gelato for your best mate. Sounds good, right? And you’ll be supporting restaurants while you’re at it.
Featured In The Ultimate London Delivery & Takeaway Guide See all our guides THE SPOTS Gelupo £ £ £ £ Ice Cream , Italian in Soho ££££ 7 Archer St Not
Rated
Yet
What they’ve got: Gelato, gelato, and more gelato.
Believe us when we say that Gelupo’s gelato is the kind of gift that will see you level up in the social hierarchy. Sudden invites to previously secret Tuscan holidays. Weekend FaceTime calls. Becoming an unexpected will beneficiary. Seriously, it just takes a few tubs of pistachio and some fresh mint stracciatella.
The Sun Tavern ££££ 66 Long Acre
What they’ve got: Kegs, cocktails, picnic hampers, cocktails, and more cocktails.
Some people write love letters. Some people hand-make gifts for their loved ones. And some people shout ‘let me get you another drink!’. Yes, if your love language is basically booze, look no further than The Sun Tavern. Their online shop has £30 quarantini cocktail kits, spritz kits, mini kegs with tankards, beer pong kits, and even a massive park-ready picnic hamper. Plus, they’re even shipping internationally.
Ottolenghi £ £ £ £ Cafe/Bakery in Islington ££££ 287 Upper Street 8.0 /10
What they’ve got: Homeware, hampers, books, unicorn-rare spices.
Yotam Ottolenghi is the man who has made many hyperventilate in the spice aisle of a supermarket hours before a dinner party. Newsflash people: you can find dried rose petals on the Ottolenghi online shop. Jokes aside, there’s lots of tasteful (and delicious) stuff to choose from here.
Karolina Wiercigroch Doughnut Time £ £ £ £ Cafe/Bakery in Soho ££££ 96 Shaftesbury Ave
What they’ve got: DIY doughnut kits, a cookie dough sando pack, and hoodies they’ll wear every single day until lockdown is over.
In lockdown we are always one of three things. Bored. Hungry. Or bored and hungry. Sending someone Doughnut Time’s DIY kit will help with all of the above, and when it comes to decorating your fresh doughnuts there’s everything from icing to biscoff to choose from. Plus, they have some cheerful, cosy merch on their online shop too. Think Fashion Week but you know, in celebration of carbohydrates and being comfy af.
River Café £ £ £ £ Italian in Hammersmith ££££ Thames Wharf, Rainville Rd 8.6 /10
What they’ve got: Cookbooks, homeware, a lobster.
Like kitchen roll and three types of hot sauce, The River Café Cook Book should be a universal kitchen staple. The 30th anniversary book will also improve any shelf, anywhere, such is its good looks. That aside the online shop has a loads of classy produce and some jazzy napkins.
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plus more restaurant intel you won't find anywhere else. TRVL ATL ATX BOS CHI LDN LA MIA NYC PHL SF SEA DC Subscribe Smart move. Excellent information will arrive in your inbox soon. Do you have friends and family who also eat food? Enter their emails below and we’ll make sure they’re eating well. (Don’t worry, we won’t subscribe them to our newsletter - they can do that themselves.) Help Your Friends No Thanks Well done. You’re a good person. All good. We still like you. Want to quickly find restaurants on the go? Download The Infatuation app. Honey & Co. ££££ 25 Warren St
What they’ve got: Fancy chocolate, wine, cookbooks, and some very aesthetically pleasing homeware.
Honestly, if we owned Honey & Co’s linen apron we’d cook a whole lot more. We might even turn into the kind of people that make marmalade at home. Until then, you can order everything from their homemade jams to their popular Food From The Middle East cookbook for nationwide delivery, as well as everyone’s classic go-to gift, chocolate.
Persepolis £ £ £ £ Vegetarian , Vegan , Middle Eastern in Peckham ££££ Peckham High St. 8.3 /10
What they’ve got: Saffron, skewers, and job opportunities.
Just like the interior of this Persian-inspired deli and restaurant, there are all sorts of bits and bobs on Persepolis’ website. Multiple vegetarian cookbooks with recipes from Peckham, Persia and elsewhere, hampers full of spices, and best of all, a voucher to be kitchen porter at the restaurant for the day.
Top Cuvée £ £ £ £ Modern European , Wine Bar in Highbury ££££ 177B Blackstock Rd 7.5 /10
What they’ve got: Wine, cocktails, a tie-dye t-shirt, hand sanitizer. Basically, everything they could possibly want and more.**
We’re pretty sure the only thing you won’t find available on Top Cuvée’s online shop is the secret to eternal youth. Seriously, they’ve got wine survival packs, batched cocktails from excellent bar Three Sheets, an orange wine t-shirt, flower boxes, mini kegs, tie-dye merch, a two-litre bag of negroni, and plenty of other options. Special shoutout to their birthday party pack that includes a meal deal, wine, cocktails, and a party playlist AKA. the perfect present for your mate that always forgets their own birthday.
Monty's Deli £ £ £ £ Deli in Covent Garden ££££ 35 Earlham St Not
Rated
Yet
What they’ve got: Meat, tees.
You’ve probably received some amazing presents throughout your life. But have you ever been thoughtfully sent 400g of vac packed salt beef and pastrami? No, us neither. And that needs to change. Especially when you can order online from Monty’s Deli.
Lina Stores King's Cross £ £ £ £ Italian in Kings Cross ££££ 20 Stable Street 7.5 /10
What they’ve got: Pastel homeware, wine, gift vouchers, and importantly, cannoli.
Oh Lina Stores, you mint green, retro, Wes Anderson wet dream. Pretty much everyone wants their kitchen to look like this seriously charming, pastel Italian restaurant. And now, thanks to their online shop, they can. We’re talking mint green tea towels, candy-stripe tote bags, deli essentials, and gift vouchers if you think they’d rather wait for the real thing. And yes, there’s cannoli too.
Noble Rot £ £ £ £ Wine Bar in Bloomsbury ££££ 51 Lamb’s Conduit St 9.5 /10
What they’ve got: Magazines, prints, totes.
A subscription to Noble Rot magazine is truly one of the best things you can get for someone who enjoys eating, drinking, and admiring excellently designed covers. That and back issues aside, the shop also has their classic “Sex, Drugs, And Pinot Noir” tote.
Ed Schofield Dominique Ansel Bakery £ £ £ £ Cafe/Bakery in Victoria ££££ 17-21 Elizabeth St 7.8 /10
What they’ve got: Treat boxes, macarons, and a cookie hamper that will feature in all our dreams from this point on.
When you’re looking for a gift that says ‘sorry for calling your XBox Satan’s more annoying sibling’ it doesn’t get much better than a sweet treat. And not just any sweet treat. Dominique Ansel’s sweet treats. Creators of the cronut, their online hampers include many of their bestsellers like their DKA croissants, chocolate pecan cookies, cronuts, and more. If you happen to be looking for something for a little human, their Dr. Paddy charity bear patisserie will earn you some serious, err, patisserie points.
Ikoyi London £ £ £ £ African in Soho ££££ 1 Saint James's Market 8.4 /10
What they’ve got: Coffee and caviar.
The West African-influenced fine dining spot has a short but sweet selection of things to buy, vouchers withstanding. Including hand picked caviar specially aged and selected for the restaurant. Not for any Tom, Dick, or Harry, that.
Climpson & Sons £ £ £ £ Cafe/Bakery in Hackney ££££ 67 Broadway Market
What they’ve got: _ Some very cool and casual t-shirts, coffee subscriptions, and all things coffee nerd, in the best way possible._
If you’re not really into coffee then you might think that Climpson And Sons’ website is full of bongs for giants - they’re coffee makers, don’t panic. These coffee pros have got countless gift options from coffee beans to branded mugs and t-shirts. Their Climpson’s cupping box gift set and their explorer monthly bean subscription are great shouts if you’re buying for someone who’s just getting into home brewing. Also, their espresso martini kit is perfect for pretty much everyone.
Quality Chop House £ £ £ £ British in Clerkenwell , Farringdon ££££ 94 Farringdon Rd 8.5 /10
What they’ve got: Hampers, world famous potatoes.
The QCH hampers are the stuff of legend. We’ve known people (us) to eat their jars of jam by the teaspoon. Whichever one you go for, their confit potatoes are very much included.
Jack & Beyond ££££ 606 Fulham Road
What they’ve got: Cookies decorated to look like celebrities and DIY cookie decoration kits.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, says ‘I love you’ like sending someone a corgi cookie. Except maybe, actually saying ‘I love you’ but who has the emotional capacity for that. Instead, send sugar in the form of Jack and Beyond’s celebrity cookies. You’ll find everyone from the Queen and her corgi to Frida Kahlo and Barack Obama treats on their website. Heads up, there are DIY decoration kits too.
Tapas Brindisa £ £ £ £ Spanish in London Bridge ££££ 18-20 Southwark St 7.6 /10
What they’ve got: Hampers, ham, chorizo so big you could have sword fights with it.
The Brindisa website is a treasure trove of stuff you want to eat with family, friends, and almost entirely with your hands. There are DIY kits for their famous chorizo rolls, cheese boxes, and - if you really want to treat someone - £500 legs of ibérico ham.
Bao £ £ £ £ Taiwanese in Soho ££££ 53 Lexington St 8.6 /10
What they’ve got: Ceramics, homeware, t-shirts, and our personal favourite, their posters.
We’ll let you in on a couple Infatuation London secrets. Yes, we do consume an alarming quantity of antacids, and also we’re very partial to giving each other gifts from Bao. Why? Because their merch is just so fucking nice. As well as seriously good looking homeware, quality ceramics, and oolong gin, their graphic posters will look good in pretty much any flat. Be sure to check out their signature Bao t-shirts and tote too.
The Treats Club ££££
What they’ve got:The power couple that is melted chocolate and doughnuts, delivered.
When we’re sad we like to watch those videos where someone saves a deer from a pond whilst like, a Coldplay song plays or something. Ideally, whilst also mainlining Cadbury’s. Which brings us onto The Treats Club’s DIY hot doughnut sundae kits, because short of Bambi rescue clips, we can’t think of anything much better to cheer someone up. You can choose between biscoff, orea, and nutella here.
St. John Bar And Restaurant £ £ £ £ British in Clerkenwell , Farringdon ££££ 26 St John St 9.3 /10
What they’ve got: T-shirts, tea towels, totes, and tasteful stuff.
How much St. John merch do we own? Enough to make us look like we’re in some sort of pork cult, that’s for sure. Classic t-shirts and 10l boxes of wine aside, there are a couple of essential cookbooks, and their unique negroni mix too.
via The Infatuation Feed https://www.theinfatuation.com/london/guides/gift-ideas-to-order-from-london-restaurants Nhà hàng Hương Sen chuyên buffet hải sản cao cấp✅ Tổ chức tiệc cưới✅ Hội nghị, hội thảo✅ Tiệc lưu động✅ Sự kiện mang tầm cỡ quốc gia 52 Phố Miếu Đầm, Mễ Trì, Nam Từ Liêm, Hà Nội http://huongsen.vn/ 0904988999 http://huongsen.vn/to-chuc-tiec-hoi-nghi/ https://trello.com/userhuongsen
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