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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs: 4.28.2007 & 4.29.2017

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and ten years ago this week.

4.28.2007

67) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," Fall Out Boy

The song has everything that's missing from "This Ain't a Scene." It's about something that is a thing, it's coherently put together, it has maybe the best chorus Fall Out Boy ever wrote (don't hold me to that), it's actually clever and not just trying hard to be clever (though it is trying very, very hard), and it has that breakdown, that "I only think in the form of crunching numbers" over the acoustic guitar that gets me every single time. This is the song that put me on the path to liking Fall Out Boy again after a couple of disappointing years. It’s what helped me accept that the adorable young boys of Take This to Your Grave were gone, but the confident snarklords had much to offer.

74) "Summer Love," Justin Timberlake

"Ridin' in the drop top/With the top down/Saw you switchin' lanes girl." "So chillin' in the front seat/In the back seat/I'm drivin', cruisin'/Fast lane, switchin' lanes." Which horrible line about switching lanes is from this 2007 hit, and which is from Rebecca Black's "Friday," the song everyone hated? What does switchin' lanes even mean in this context? No I'm not going to pay attention to the rest of this song, the rest of it probably sucks also as well, I wanna harp on this first line. Like how do you know a girl is sexy from the way she merges on the highway? Or are you in the club? If you're in the club, how on earth are you in a drop top with the top down, like what would that be a metaphor for? I can see how switchin' lanes would be the girl flirting with all sorts of boys, but what on earth is your drop top. Are you shirtless? Are you wearing an open leather jacket? I don't, ugh, all of your songs are bad, literally your entire catalogue infuriates me.

75) "The Story," Brandi Carlile

is there a better moment in music than when this song plugs in. that's a serious question. how many moments in other songs are better than "i climbed across the mountain tops/SWAM ALL ACROSS THE OCEAN BLUE." Like that was such a miracle the first time I heard it, it sounds like this sort of pretty song I might usually skip but stuck with for some reason, and then it goes absolutely insane, like first those drums come in and it's like, "Oh, this is more plugged in than I anticipated!" AND THEN WE'RE ON A ROCKET INTO THE FUCKING SUN. This is the only alt-country song that turns all the way up, and it has never stopped being a miracle.

84) "Earth Intruders," Bjork

/smiles politely /sorts gently into the 'not for me' pile there, there, dear sweet. you and i both know your home is not with me.

86) "Que Hiceste," Jennifer Lopez

Yo! So, the Jennifer Lopez Spanish-language track was dope as hell, which I didn't see coming. A thread through 2017 has been how dope the Latin pop songs are, and this is everything I want, something over-dramatic that I don't 100% understand but is funky enough to get into. It kind of tracks why it took me this long to hear it, I think the public was over J.Lo in 2007 and probably treated her Spanish-language album like a joke, but y'know what, I was wrong to not take her seriously, and my world is better with this song in it. Hey. Hey, everyone. It’s me, the man with music opinions, saying he likes a J.Lo song more than a Bjork song. Please give my opinions credence.

91) "Umbrella," Rihanna ft./Jay-Z

This is a towering achievement worthy of the onslaught of thinkpieces about its lasting impact sure to pop up on your favorite culture websites over the next couple of weeks. This is also the worst Jay-Z verse. At least the verse on "Monster" is stupid enough to be memorable. What even is that thing at the top of the song? How come I couldn't find an upload that cut his part out? It's literally at the beginning of the song and adds nothing, Jay-Z doesn't even ad-lib at all for the rest of the song, you could remove that and miss nothing. I'm focusing on the negative when this is one of the best pop songs there ever was. (It won't be #1 on the Top 20 because SAD INDIE SONGS YOU GUYZ, but it'll be at the forefront of the pop game.) Bless whoever heard this song and thought it should go to the girl who made "Pon de Replay," who heard "Pon de Replay" and heard the ability to carry this track home.

94) "I'm Throwed," Paul Wall ft./Jermaine Dupri

All these mid-aughts Houston rap singles have been way better than I expected. Also, I can't tell if "I'm a sharpshooter like Steve Kerr" was an outdated boast in 2007, or if it only seems outdated because Steve Kerr is a notable head coach in the National Basketball Association. Kerr was GM of the Suns in '07, wasn't he? Like I get his name rhymes, but you've gotta be able to name a more current basketball player than Steve Kerr, dude. Steve Novak was on the Rockets that season, literally his only NBA skill was the three, maybe try to squeeze him in there?

100) "It's Me Bitches," Swizz Beatz

it's disappointing that swizz beatz gave this beat to himself, but it's also perfectly understandable that no one else wanted to try to handle it. also if anyone wanted to hear the opposite of "Lady Marmalade," the remix features lil' wayne, r. kelly, and jadakiss, it features wayne and r. doing jamaican accents, and it starts with the words "voulez-vous couchez avec moi bitches." literally, the opposite of "Lady Marmalade."

The in-progress Top 20 for 2007: 20) “Kiss the G 20) "Que Hiciste," by Jennifer Lopez (4.28.2007) 19) "When I See U," by Fantasia (4.21.2007) 18) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 17) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 16) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 15) "Breath," by Breaking Benjamin (4.14.2007) 14) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 13) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 12) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 11) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 10) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 9) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) I think we all understand that “Kiss the Girl” is the Top 20, and that there is no reason to bother reviewing 2007 after last week, as “Kiss the Girl” was perfect.

4.29.2017

4) "Sign of the Times," by Harry Styles

...I can't deny that this is an ambitious song, and I cannot deny that it is focused in its ambition. If forced to make the choice, I would take this over ZAYN mumbling any day of the week. But you also made me listen to five and a half minutes of some misguided nonsense. This feels like a song you can sell once you've proven you can deliver the basics. This is the eleventh track of the rock opera you get to make once you have established enough credibility to sell a rock opera, the dark night of the soul a track or two before the climax of your career’s defining work, and it doesn't work as the first post-boy-band single. I can't believe this exists. Think of all the people who had to listen to this and sign off on it. "Yeah, a five-and-a-half minute epic ballad, that'll get the kids talking. That'll launch this kid into the stratosphere!" And, well, #4! hey! alright!, but fucking Liam could have a top-ten single tomorrow if he dropped a new track, #4 means nothing. I salute the ambition. I find nothing to applaud anywhere else.

50) "Now or Never," by Halsey

it's going to sound weird to critique halsey for lacking a sense of urgency on this song when that "hit the sin" song had ALL THE URGENCY but like as pleasant as it was to hear her whisper over a beat that bleeped and blooped agreeably, this song is called "now or never?" like this is the only time i've heard a halsey song where she seemed calm. maybe i just don't know what i want out of a halsey song. maybe this is Great and i'm just committed to not seeing what's Great in here. but like of all the songs to not overdramatize, you pick the one with an ultimatum! help me figure you out, dawg!

74) "Unforgettable," by French Montana ft./Swae Lee

This was fine! I have a thousand nitpicks -- ft./Swae Lee? FT./?! He was the entire song! -- but they, more than usual, add up to nothing here, because I enjoyed myself! Not the best song, not a song painting outside any lines, a song that'll prolly sound dated in 10 years (ah yes, 2017, when we revived dancehall for some reason), but a four minute ride through a nice part of Music Town!

79) "Everyday We Lit," by YFN Lucci ft./PnB Rock

The YouTube description informs the this is off the album Get the Nut, and my entire opinion of this song is colored by the fact of its origin. Fuck this. Like I know I'm supposed to judge the song and nothing else, but that album title tells me more about who this person is than anything on this world possibly could. And since we're talking about song-related ephemera, we've got dudes in rap videos wearing Toon Squad jerseys. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I kind of wish he'd take this more seriously. You're on this song about how awesome life is, but life's not so awesome that you can't participate in irony? I don't get this choice you have made.

89) "Cake," by Flo Rida & 99 Percent

this is just a two and a half minute party jam about fucking. bless this song. no frills, nothing overly complicated, ya just start it up, there's maybe half a metaphor and a fuckton of "whoa-ohs" and we're done. flo rida is the reigning king of trash pop rap, and i would listen to this 40 times before i ever listened to more life again.

92) "Bar at the End of the World," by Kenny Chesney

This sounds like it was designed to be the soundtrack to your CVS shopping experience. CVS might be too urban for this song. This sounds like it's going to be the song that plays every single time you walk into a gas station in a rural area for the rest of your life. They delivered this to every convenience store out in the sticks, they assessed their primary music delivery system and dropped off the cassette or the CD or maybe they had to hex the radio, but this song has been delivered, and the proprietors know the drill. You will be on your way up north for a cousin's wedding, fill up the tank and maybe get a Cherry Coke and some Twizzlers, still got a bit of a drive ahead of you and hey what the hell it's a vacation have some sugar, and you will hear this song, because it is the only song you can hear. You'll hear precisely 71 seconds and won't mind or notice any of it, meaning the song will have done its job.

97) "Weak," by AJR

So this is an anthem about saying "fuck it" and making bad choices, which sounds like it'd be right up my alley? But I don't dig it, and I'm trying to nail down what I don't like about it. Something about this track irks me, and I'm like one word away from figuring out what that is. It's not the fact it kind of reminds me of "Love in This Club," though that doesn't help. Maybe it's just too precious? It's like the first draft of a Fun. song, the outline of where a song could go before they add specific details about the relationship and what makes giving into it such a bad idea. I don't leave this song knowing anything about these dudes, other than the fact they want desperately for other people to like them. Cloying. Cloying! That's the ticket! They want very badly for you to feel sympathy for their plight, but they don't want to be too honest about themselves, lest you find something unrelatable. It’s a song about a damaged person by people who aren’t open about their own damage.

99) "If I Told You," by Darius Rucker

this how you do me shane mcnally. this was the one thing i was looking forward to, and it's this. whatever. it's fine. what a dumb week.

100) "Flatliner," by Cole Swindell ft./Dierks Bentley

maybe it's not the chillest thing to praise flo rida for making garbage pop/rap but chide these yutzes for making what is basically the same song, but

The Top 20 for this week is the same as the Top 20 was last week because 2017 didn’t even fucking try. 20) "Tin Man," by Miranda Lambert (4.22) 19) "Everyday," by Ariana Grande ft./Future (3.4) 18) "Everybody," by Logic (4.22) 17) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 16) "Heatstroke," by Calvin Harris ft./Young Thug, Pharrell Williams & Ariana Grande (4.22) 15) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 14) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 13) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 12) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 11) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 10) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 9) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 8) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 7) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 6) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 5) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 4) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) Hey: “Issues” is #12 on the real chart this week! That’s cool!

Who won? hahahahahhahahahahahaha 2007: 3 2017: 2 Though, hey, at least this week didn’t have as much Chainsmokers as I feared! That tally still doesn’t really reflect how badly 2007 is outpacing 2017, though. The 2007 Top 20 is officially nuts, like, “U + Ur Hand” at #17? But it might remain static through next week, that 2007 Top 20, 2007 looks to be leaving the door wide open with next week’s offerings. Do I think 2017 can notch another empty victory? TOTALLY, DUDE. (Foreshadowing.)

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