#firstly you have a complete fucking meltdown right before we’re supposed to leave despite you having a full 6 hours to prepare while im

[shoveitevil]

god. why does no one care about me in this damned house

#two days of hanging out with childhood friends having the best fun I’ve had all holidays just to be ruined by my brother #my god #firstly you have a complete fucking meltdown right before we’re supposed to leave despite you having a full 6 hours to prepare while im #in a rush to get in the car 10 mins after waking up because my mum didn’t wake me up #then you make us call you because you were feeling left out despite you specifically saying you didn’t want to hang out with these people #then the next day you agree to go and immediately start insulting me for laughs and then hitting me with hard plastic when I respond #you continue to do things to the rest of us and then complain when we do the same #eventually going to mum and conveniently ignoring any part where he hit me #then you act moody the rest of the damn day watching youtube and then say all that time watching YouTube was stressing you out #then I get home after a 40 min drive of josh crying over some unexplained problem with all the “stress” on his face leaving immediately #my mum asks me why I wasn’t feeling the best and I explain all the shit that josh did to me #and then she has the nerve to stay “why have you stayed so mad about this” as if josh doesn’t constantly pull this shit #apparently she thought all the times we didn’t fight were just normal?? as if I don’t have to constantly walk on eggshells around josh #and I had to explain how I constantly had to comprise for him and how I just for once wanted to have fun with my friends #and even then we constantly invited him to play with us #and then refused to #the two hour later I decide for once in my life to be vulnerable with my dad and get on the verge of tears explaining how I’m treated by jo #and how despite doing the actual limit to what I can mentally handle to appease josh he still treats me like dogshit #and he decides to make this about him and his brother and how their relationship worked #and then told me basically that my brother will never leave my life and I have to stay with him forever #I love my mother #My father and my brother not so much #but when it’s not about josh getting a pinprick and having to cancel a 2 week holiday #it’s about mum and dad and how they are going through a rough patch and constantly have to let us know #the only time it feels like I’m paid any attention to at all is when I’m with my sisters or I get a grade back #ughhhhhhhhhhhh #vent

[violetaroace]

bloodofthewind:

So, well, there’s a teensy problem with continued activity with the new rules when my hiatus is up.

Yay, mental health!

Fair warning, some of this may seem extremely triggering to you and it’s not really the sweetest wall of text. This is a very serious post and if you think to use it as an excuse to say it’s a call out or some shit to try to get me kicked out either because you don’t like me or because of a lack of activity, there’s a stop sign right here. This is a serious post. This is an extremely serious post regarding my mental health and how severely it’s affecting my presence in this group, and because I’ve been here so long and have enjoyed the company of the people I regularly talked to, I believe the transparency of these issues is something you guys should have regarding myself and how dangerous my mental state really is and why my activity suddenly plummeted out of seemingly nowhere when things were going fine during my time here prior.

Ffs, maybe in some hellish fucked up way, it’s some kind of insane cry for help! Who the fuck knows? ^^

If anyone knows of any kind of service I can interact with regarding the things mentioned in this post, I would be very sincerely grateful if you could refer me. This post is absolutely not a joke, is very unsafe, and if you don’t think you’re going to be able to stomach it, do not read it. This is a legitimate explanation of my decreased activity here and why I do not appreciate the hiatus rule change. I am absolutely not joking.

Firstly, the new rule regarding hiatuses. It’s pretty much what’s going to push me over the edge to have to leave if no changes or understandings are made. Why? Well, I’ll be quite frank here. It’s, for lack of a better word, stupid. People are busy and have lives and other complications in their lives such as myself, here to unwind and have fun when we’re not dealing with that and cannot dedicate our lives to roleplay blogs; especially because in our free time, we do have other things to do, and for myself, other obligations. It also feels like discrimination against people with severe mental health issues who simply can’t obligate themselves that deeply to a group, and it seems like an excuse to weed those people out. This means people suffering from recurring major depressive disorder, which is my official diagnosis, cannot handle that level of activity. There are various issues in my life affecting activity here, such as severe cases of suicidal and/or homicidal behavior.

So what’s the issue with that? Well, the doctors and I had a rather unfortunate agreement: My homicidal emotions are simply part of me and there’s nothing they can do to cure it. Basically, there’s a chance my meds will prevent me from taking my own life, but it does not ensure it will prevent me from having a meltdown in the future and taking someone else’s - something I’ve struggled with for years and something that has become an increasingly powerful force in my life. What does that mean? Well, my emotions are uncontrolled. The only reason there have been no fatalities to date is because I’m home, usually alone or only with my cat who by any god I would never intentionally harm and for who I would outright slaughter and drag a knife through the throat of anyone who ever dared tried to harm her even the tiniest bit. The reason nothing’s happened is because I have never been physically near or close enough to anyone in my emotional breakdowns to do anything. Y’all should be grateful to my cat, ‘cause she’s another reason nothing crazy has happened. A major reason, actually.

So why does this affect FERP? In my severe mental states such as this, I’ve gone days straight completely forgetting I’m even in a roleplay group. I also have been trying to cope with my mental health and find ways to fix myself, because quite frankly, this is all exhausting. Having to deal with the stress of trying not to get kicked out an RP group that was supposed to be fun, well… does not help. There may not be any way to fix this at all. Why else does this affect FERP? Because I have some bad blood with a small number of people here and I don’t release my grudges. After reading the above, you should understand what this is leading to. It’s not healthy for anyone, and outside of this group as I get along with idk 98 percent of you, I have an entire actual list of people who if I could, I would target and well, you know the rest. If you’re seeing why even having that much preparation is a problem, you’re on the right track.

Just because right now I can express this to you while making it seem like hey wow okay that’s all not safe and is a very dangerous mindset, I’m also not having a serious mental breakdown right now. When I have them, it is bad. I could never even begin to count the amount of them I have had since last spring. I used to be happy and active here, but after things spiraled out of control and I’ve dealt with betrayals and backstabbing as well as bullying on top of my job stress and family life mixed with severe suicidal breakdowns (which has evolved from a vague suicide plan to a definite suicide attempt plan in preparation for any future breakdowns), I’ve lost the ability to do idk 99 percent of the things I used to do and enjoy prior to last spring. Of the affected is: Roleplaying, video game activity outside of Heroes and now currently Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp, daily health activities, healthy hours of sleep which has progressed to sleeping most of my life since last spring, unintentionally and unwillingly projecting the behaviors and mannerisms of people I would like to kill on my own friends (as in the behaviors of some friends may seem somewhat similar to people I despise for other reasons and would if given the opportunity kill, which is making interaction with some friends who I cherish become increasingly difficult), writing, keeping up with my scan team as of even prior to its announced hiatus due to the majority of its members being unable to release anything and the team leader, myself, going through all of the above, my money situation, my job, my family life (which was already pretty poor), and a variety of other things.

Basically, what I’m saying is that with how horrifically my mental state has plummeted, my activity here has been severely affected and I’m tired of making excuses that are anything but the full truth just to sound more civil in my responses, which is the fact that I am honestly not comfortable with how some of the rules work (including being told you’re required to follow everyone, even if any of those people are people you have an extremely nasty history with or even a minor poor history with and the above emotions become involved on instinct unquestionably). My activity has been literally attacked in the past and while I won’t bring up major details, the fact that all of these things played a part in my lack of activity and someone attacked said activity because of an issue that did not even remotely have anything to do with this group or roleplaying tells me this person acted on selfish personal self interest and gave absolutely no regard for all the above despite knowing me prior.

Why have I been away from this group for so long and using hiatuses often? To try to ensure that my current mental state doesn’t end up causing me to be in jail for murder in some ten years or so. To try to fix this exhausting mentality that makes me wish I was never born because it’s easier to never be born than it is to take one’s own life. I’ve become emotionally and physically desensitized to the murder of humans, meaning if I were to see it either on TV, a video game, a TV series in general or hell, if I saw it happen in person, it would not affect me and I’ve reached a point of feeling normal regarding violent acts in general, and I sincerely believe in violence that indicates justice (ex. slow and painful, excruciating torture of criminals before being left to die who have raped or murdered innocents, and even worse fates for animal abusers) and would willingly take part in the latter acts in my own sane mind.

Wow, how detailed for reasons why I’m not active in a roleplay group! Well, now you get why I don’t appreciate the rule change considering my hiatuses have been completely valid and the fact that I absolutely do not appreciate the concept that other members would ever dare attack my activity for any selfish reason.

I have a horrible headache after writing all this, honestly. If I can’t take hiatuses in the middle of dealing with this stress, the other problem is that a lot of my problems are easily going to seep into threads - especially with Takumi. That also means there would probably be a lot of uncomfortable scenarios for some people in my threads. While some people may sure just be trying to hold on to their muses in hope they come back and it’s nothing too serious and the group just wants to open spots, the lack of consideration for people who require hiatuses for the safety of themselves and other is kind of :/.

Overall, regarding the hiatus rule, it seems like this group is changing from a casual, calm and accepting RP group to a very constraining and strict RP group, removing a lot of freedoms and heaping on additional stress. The insane limitations in this group have made it increasingly hard for me to keep up activity in the middle of what I’m dealing with. It was much more free and open the first time I joined, and hell, even when I rejoined after.

I’m working on my mental health so as to attempt to ensure that a kind, friend loving, animal loving, otherwise talkative and cheery person does not someday end up becoming a killer because of unchecked and unhelped mental illness that got heaped on with bullying and people lying straight to me and abusing me and thinking it’s okay and acceptable to do because of issues they can’t understand or comprehend, or just because they’re overall shitty human beings who shouldn’t even exist like the people I knew in middle school.

Just remember that bullying and abuse, whether it’s from family or friends or strangers, can cause even a sincerely good, kind, gentle soul to become a violent killer. :)

I try to be a good person, but a lot of other people are making that hard. The more I try to be good, the more I fail and the more I want to stop being good. I wish I could be here and have the fun I used to have. I want all this to go away and I have my doubts it will at this rate.