#finally free of lies i used to tell myself like i was a cisgender straight male

[yggdrasil-mith0s]

I need some serious psychological help: Confessions from the blog owner.

Okay, so feel free to ignore this but I feel like I need to get some things off my chest and seriously talk about some things. This blog has been my lifeline over the past few years with my followers becoming my only friends. My best friends. People that genuinely care about me and listen to me. So I feel the need to say some things, let you all know where I am currently at in life, and possibly receive some advice if anyone reads this.

First, let me say I think I have gone through life with undiagnosed AD(H)D. Everytime I am genuinely interested in something career related or getting back into school, I start to get things together. Before I know it, I lose all interest and completely leave it behind, never to follow through. I have a bad problem with this in almost everything I do. It's also why I have 10 different save files in different games and none of which ever get beaten except maybe 1 or 2. I haven't made any significant strides or moved forward in life at all.

Another thing I have come to realize is I hate who I am. No, I don't mean my morals or how I am genuinely empathetic. I mean I have believed I was a straight cisgender male for 3/4s of my life. Being in quarantine has helped me figure out a few things. Mainly that I am Nonbinary and I am Pansexual. I am sure of that now. It's lead to quite the mental breakdown and uncovering bottled emotions and traumas. Others had me convinced I was cisgender male by hateful words, cunning deciet, and manipulating tactics and twisting my mindset into thinking I was wrong for considering anything other than cisgender male. @prideknights had a beautiful submission that basically opened my eyes to how hateful words have caused me to hate myself, for I was forcing an identity that didn't belong to me to satisfy those that wanted to give identities or take them to fit their agenda/beliefs. I fell for it. And it's no wonder I have been dealing with depression, dysphoria (though I didn't understand what it was till someone recently told me "yeah, that's gender dysphoria notbro (They say notbro instead of bro because they are nonbinary and use notbro as a NB way of saying bro lol). So I have dropped he/him pronounces and go by they/them. Still, I am unpacking a lot of trauma and beliefs that aren't my own mixed with those that are mine. I haven't gone completely public with my revelation because of fear and anxiety. I'm not ready to announce it on FB and have family I hardly talk to and other people know. I'm not ready for that in case I receive hate in any way because that's what caused me to suppress myself to begin with.

It's hard to love yourself while hiding the real you deep inside because of what others have said and done. What society does is create a world where people live in their own bubbles and anyone who enters that bubble is expected to follow their rules and beliefs. Eventually, entering enough of other people's bubbles, mostly toxic ones, will shrink yours to the point where nothing belongs to you, not even your gender or lack there of.

My sister's boyfriend recently moved in. He is great to my sister but incredibly abusive to me. I have left hints but my sister hasn't noticed. He is mentally abusive and recently he shoved me really hard. I can't outright tell my sister because she loves him and I'm kind of scared of what he might do if she breaks up with him because of me tbh. So I am trying to move out but have no money or anything to do so. I have found somewhere I can stay but I need a $250 down payment. I have $70. So I still need $180. The abuse is getting worse and worse and I think he knows I am NB now and I believe he is secretly a bigot. Again, I can't say anything and I am scared for both my sister and I. Though he does treat her really great. I think he just might have issues with me. I'm not sure why, though. Maybe he just hates LGBTQ+ people and knows. My sister knows I am Pansexual and I have brought a trans guy I had a crush on over... So yeah. I need to get out while she is dating him.

If anyone wants to help with my downpayment of $180 then you can donate to PayPal.me/yggdrasilmithos

My email for that PP is [email protected].

That isn't necessary, though. I am also in search of a true therapist because I seem to have a lot of issues and things bottled up that I haven't unpacked. I want to know what's wrong with me and why I always lose interest, why I constantly find myself in traumatic experiences even though I try to avoid it. I want to find out what trauma I continue to hide while it still hurts me.

It might help my depression and anxiety to see a good therapist and truly talk to someone and open up completely without holding a single thing back.

Im trying y'all. I truly am. Please hang in there. Soon I will regain my full interest and post a bunch of content again. One thing that has held my interest is this blog, the people involved on this blog that are friends now, and the Tales of series. Though it fluctuates in how often or how much interests I'm currently holding.

Anyways, if anyone has any questions, feel free to ask. Feel free to message me as well. I could use some friends, tbh. I don't have anyone in real life to talk to which is why I confide in this blog.

Also, if anyone donates and would like a post dedicated to you, gifs of some videos or gameplay made then just message me and let me know. I will make content for anyone that wants me to and donates, even if it is a dollar! I will make everyone gifs if their choosing or random Tales content gifs. My Paypal and email is 5 paragraphs up lol.

But it's 100% okay if not. I posted this just to let y'all know where I'm at in life right now.

Edit: I'm hanging on by a thread and had a good cry moments ago which is why I felt the need to post this and share with you all (my friends).

#personal #op #my life #thoughts #lgbtq #nonbinary #pansexual #breaking from old beliefs #finally free of lies i used to tell myself like i was a cisgender straight male #all lies #okay to reblog