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kart0 · 2 years

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meds update plus rant: day 10

I knooow, I knowww no one cares and this is a blog just for me but I'm sorry I skipped day 7 ! I got so overwhelmed and cried a lot and I just forgot to do it, I was rlly tired

anyways, honestly I can't remember at all what happened...

I did have a pretty bad mental breakdown, because I had to do a writing for uni and it took me 6 hours to finally do it. I was sitting in my desk my notebook opened in front of me and my iPad with the article opened and I just. I just couldn't. and it's hard to explain when someone asks "well what have you been doing in these 6 hours you were procrastinating ?" because. I literally did not do anything. I was definitely stressed and paranoid tho. I kept opening twitter and closing it bc I had one thing in mind and it was "do the writing. do the writing." and it kept going on repeat and... sigh... if I at least used these hours to relax or have fun, just, no, I didn't and I didn't do anything. I don't know why, it is always so frustrating. but I was able to eventually and it took me only 20 minutes to do so.

everything was going alright. I submitted my writing ( at 3am ), then went to uni, took 2 exams which were in pairs so it went fairly well. I was really, really happy with myself cuz even tho it took me 6 hours to do it I actually did everything I had to do.

and then I had another writing to do. and it started well ! for 2 minutes

and then I procrastinated for 7 hours. at 11pm I was already sobbing because I was so frustrated with myself. it's so easy ! just do it ! just start it ! you have to do it then just do it it's that fucking obvious ! and at 1am my dad entered my room ( originally to scold me for being awake at that hour ) and he saw my red nose and puffy eyes and asked me why I was crying, and I said because I had to do this project. and he then said "do it then" and left the room and I started crying again. I really hate myself. and then, at 3am I realised i wouldn't be able to do this work, and also I had to study for the exam I'd have on that day. so I went to sleep. and I felt so incredibly defeated. I lost. I always lose in the end, no matter how much I'm working hard, or how good things are going, bc the previous day I had managed to do it, and then it all fell apart.

of course i struggled with the exam and I failed my test. and when I got back home I just laid in bed and I felt really...weird. like. definitely bad but I felt really. idk, but it was bad. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't cry, I wasn't able to focus on social media at least to distract myself, I couldn't sleep. I also had not eaten anything basically all day which definitely did not help at all and I think in fact it made things worse

but then now is day 10. and I am done with my exams. I went to a bday party ( that was on a bar ) and I had a bloody Mary for the first time. it was good. caught up with some old friends. I'm really proud of myself for staying alive, taking my meds and not forgetting a single day, even if I might not be able to take every time at the same hour oof. but I feel proud I think.

I definitely need to checkout on a adhd/add specialist, my current therapist is more focused on depression and grieving haha. there are some days like today that I really feel hopeful for my future. and I feel like I really want to improve. but it's rather rare, most of the time I want to die and feel like I'm condemned to live miserably forever

as for side effects, I don't remember if I said it but sometimes my hands shake pretty bad and my body feels weird and hot and I can't focus, but it usually lasts 10 minutes and then I'm alright. this only happened 3 times that I remember. I also lost basically all my appetite which... is definitely bad because uhm I have an eating disorder and body image issues so I'm like, torn. I'm happy that I'm not eating but I don't like that I'm celebrating this thoughts I don't want them to win yet at the same time I'm thinking how much weight I'm going to lose and unfortunately it excites me. I'm trying to eat properly. I also became really tired on the last two days, like really really tired and sleepy all day but when I go to sleep I suddenly get anxious and it'll take me longer to sleep. for now I think that's all.

I hope things get better for me. this update was long, and I apologize. I will try to keep up with the schedule I made. goodnight :•]

#me #update #rant #antidepressants

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jayflrt · 2 years

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akka 😭😭😭 hello!! how are you?? naur it's been so long that i forgot about you :( i had my preboards the last two weeks with no breaks so i had to study a lot!! literally after week 👋🏻

so akka how much did you get in your finals? and how was the paper actually, was it easy, medium or hard?? my papers were easy only if i had studied for them lmao. i actually didn't study much and i got all of my preboard one marks — math : 16/40, science 19/40, social : 11/40 (fyi. the passing mark is 14, so technically i failed in social studies 🤡) english : 31 and half/40 (and that's the highest in my pre board one!!) computers : 23/25 (i actually didn't expect to score top marks in my class) and finally hindi : 20/40 (i tried but expected less than 20 lol)

and tomorrow will be my last preboard 2 exam which is math and i haven't prepared it 🥲🥲 and then my last preboard, which is the third revision tests, they'll start from april 11 and end on april 19 :) so that's a lot of studying to do.

today was the best day because my english teacher appreciated me alot because she didn't find any spelling mistakes, grammatical errors or strikings/cuttings in my paper and she was pretty surprised and so i was 😲 i'm hoping to do well in preboard 3 as well, so let's hope to get all 40's in my thrid preboard.

i didn't write my preboard one and two well, so i rlly need to get my ass off bed and just start studying and as for 2521 — idk wtf will happen this weekend and i'm freaking out cuz there's still 2 episodes left which will release this weekend and the fact that the drama genre changed from rom-com to melodrama (what is that?) i just can't wait to watch the last two episodes of 2521!!

and coming to my love — my brain is not functioning properly because idk whether he has feelings for me or just like me... but it's going pretty well because all we had was sneaking eye contacts and when i stood near him for the first time, like 15 cm away?? i guess?? i think his height is 178 cm to 180 cm, yup that's right!! according to my calculations :)

akka, by any chance you know hand cricket?? i sent him this video and texted him — you and who?? and he was like "the whole class" lol. that's true we all play hand cricket in class and get caught by our teachers and another conversation is that he type "hehe" which is so cute and i always tell that to my friends and they tease about it in snapchat — they go like "hehehehheheheh" and that's so damn hard to not to smile. tbh he's so cute 🥺✨ he's so precious :(

one more thing is that you rlly looked so pretty on your face reveal, i saw that!!! you were really pretty 🥰🥰🥰💛💛💛 like you looked like a tamilian lol. and did i ever say this to you that my man is also tamilian???? lmao...

so in conclusion, i just want you to answer. read this and then look away, so if you look away from your phone now and the first colour you see is the answer — see purple, that's a yes and if you see a blue it's a no and if you see a yellow, then it's a maybe. so akka — will we have a second chance...?

well i'm curious for the answer akka... so how was your weekend and how have you really been and btw how did you spend your time with you mom and sis?? drink lots of water and eat healthy food. ily and take care akka 🥰🥰

— 🦔

hihi 🦔 anon !! omg it has been a while, how have you been?? 🤧 i was wondering when you’d drop by but i realized that you were probably busy with exams !! 💗

i did pretty good !! i got As which is 90-100 here, but our scores are weighted based on the pluses and minuses so my A- (90-93) made my gpa go down a little 🤧 but i’m overall very very content bc i passed this writing requirement that i needed to graduate !! 🥰🌸 honestly a few of my classes were pretty hard but i think they would’ve been easier if i gave myself more time to prepare HAHAH i wrote like 5 essays that week and a lot of them were pretty long so it was just constant typing all day 😵‍💫 but oh my gosh congrats on your preboard scores !!! 🥳🥳 and you got the top score in your class for computers — that’s amazing !! 🤩

omg i’m assuming your math one is already done by the time i post this so how’d it go ?? :o and good luck in the next few weeks !! sounds rlly busy but you’ve got this 🥰💗 AND YES ALL 40S FOR YOUR NEXT PREBOARD !! 🤩🤩 english can be so tricky so that’s great that your teacher complimented you :’))

2125 changed to melodrama ?? :o omg i thought it would be lighthearted like weightlifting fairy HAHAH but basically it’s just rlly dramatic with its emotions rn ?? but i hope you like the next few episodes and its ending !! my friend and i are going to watch the penthouse together (although it’s going to be my third time watching it) 💖💖

oooh he’s been sneaking eye contact ?? 😌😌 maybe you can pick up on more signs and ask him if he feels anything in a month or so !! but omg that’s such a cute height difference 💕 also yesyes i know hand cricket !! HAHAH it’s always good when guys are fun texters 🥲 i told my friends this yesterday actually but i said it was ideal when a guy is interesting in person and isn’t a dry texter either

oh my goshhhh thank you so much 🥺🥺💖💖💖 i had no idea you saw it but thank you for such a sweet compliment !! 🤍🤍 also this is strange but that actually means a lot to hear that i look tamilian HAHAH and omgg he’s tamil LOLL 🤧

LMAODJJF THE FIRST COLOR I SAW WAS PINK but i suppose you can take it as purple bc it has purple stars on it 🥰🥰💜💜 but dw love you don’t need speculation, you got this on your own !!

but i’ve been well angel, tysm for asking !! ☺️💗 i had a great time at home with my family and got to eat a lot of good food :’)) and actually i have a little brother not sister !! ♡ but yesyes i got to unwind and spend a lot of time for myself and it was very relaxing 🌷🌷 i hope you’re taking time for yourself as well in the midst of your exams !! hope you’re doing well and take care 🥰🌸

#💌 : love notes #🦔 anon

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