#excluded apollo n i on the day before our bday;; unintentional tho & i do realize that's just the kind of people they are.

[noxtivagus]

IT'S ALREADY WEDNESDAY !?! DAMN 🥺 thursday basically now bcs it's just turned midnight here omg.

#🌙.rambles #despite the lack of time i'm not too overwhelmed! oh my god thinking abt it n i really love my friends so much :') #but there's that only one irl i have that has honestly been. hmmm. bcs i don't expect anything at all from others genuinely but it hurts if #you're the only one giving :') but i've been taking my mind off that. she's genuinely the only friend rn i have that drains me. #i still do love & care for her though! she's still my friend. other friendships i have whether irl or online is good enough ! but hmm #maybe i feel a bit anxious in general like i have to do more. sm more. i'm not sure. i'm sorry. i dont want to think too much rn #here's the thing i've had a lot more mood swings lately ( likely due to pms ) & i'm worried of how it may have unknowingly affected things #bcs like in my discord status i write sometimes there n it may not be really clear? often even if it sounds v negative i don't actually #mean it to that extent. it's often a bit dramatized bcs it looks cool. sorry. unless it's something like. oh yh when those two irls #excluded apollo n i on the day before our bday;; unintentional tho & i do realize that's just the kind of people they are. #everytime i spend time w them we just do whatever they want & we have a lot of differences. it hurt bcs it was our bday soon though & #with them i know from experience that they wouldn't reciprocate the similar kindness or gifts i would give or have given? #my fault for expecting something. expectations lead to disappointment. that said if i have problems with people.... #i'm trying harder to bring it up. i know why they're like that ^ but maybe i'm afraid of unintentionally hurting them. yeah. but hmm #i apologized for smth i said then that day but i remember they just said 'hope you feel better soon' which kind of hurts thinking on it bcs #their actions that day made me cry a lot. it didn't seem like they care that hurt. & i realize those two though. they don't . yeah. #idk how to say but they've never been there for me when i need it. genuinely never. i can't see them being my best friends in the future. #they've never been there to ask me how i'm doing. to offer if they could help me. i've done that for them. i don't expect reciprocation but #it hurts when you feel the effort isn't returned. it's been like that for a long time. i've expressed several times wishing to have #heart-to-heart talks but they've never gone through bcs they don't work towards it too. that said though. i'm human. i have my own life #my own emotions and struggles. it gets so draining when it feels so one-sided. & then i feel more sorry that maybe my mental health #in general ends up bringing down my other friendships? sometimes with people if i don't really interact it's either i'm busy or #tired. just shy or anxious in general. or i feel unappreciated. recently it's been a mix of all that so it's been hard to do more than i ca #thank you tho for everything all of you have done. i wish i cld do more for you. arghh i'll go on as i can w my limit but recently #there's maybe this distance i'm too tired to cross rn? i'm a bit tired rn but i think i'll be ok again soon! i'm motivated when it comes to #my interests. passions. just forgetting stuff relating to ^ i'm not TOO stressed bcs i look forward to these games n books n ideas n all c: #i'm a bit tired rn but i'll distract myself! this too shall pass. i was doing better earlier. soon i'll feel better again as well 🤍 #i'll be productive when i feel like it! i can rest. i can take it slow. at my own pace. it's hard n i feel bad for that but i need to. #it's enough to realize i'm tired & let myself rest. just live rn. i don't have to be so harsh on myself. i can rest. but. i'm sorry.... #so much to do. so much yet unsaid and undone. in all aspects of my life. i'm not sure what to do first. it hurts. i'm tired. i'm sorry