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11toe11-blog · 4 years

Text

Choke

A few crumbled paper sheets on the floor.

#Its not as easy to write where there is another person in the room

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After attempting to enter my body. I enter these deep waters. With no intention other than illumination and insight. Guide me. Let me not be tempted by greed and power. Let me not be tempted by thick lethargy. Guide me to light.

Sleepiness. Or what i call sleepiness. A certain kind of heaving ness that wants to cool down the eyelids like a curtain. Squirrels on the tree. Squirrels on the the tree chasing away birds. Think and small looking squirrels. Is there not enough food?

This need to keep eating. Like reflected, we are so preoccupied with food., A glimpse of an insight seems far away enough and i am feeling too lazy to swim towards it. An image of Maalvika, of Svayyam near Bandipur forest and her reforestation drives. I wish i can contribute at the depth that she is. Integrating every experience once has, before non doing, that will the only kind of doing left. Create habitats for being and the planet. I suppose thats what is being the creative force in these times. While every body else on the side of annihilation and dissolution.

N didnt make it to kalari today. I feel she overdid it yesterday, following up kalari with dance. To take it slow and build it up. Or leap in a flash and then sit out and wait. Has been the question thats been posed to me by my self. I have lept blindly many a times and sat out quite a few times; now to sense that there is a lesson that is glaring or maybe waiting patiently by the door, waiting for me to notice and realize

R reads out a news of a catholic priest surfacing dead somewhere in kerala. I am reminded of how when i was 14 ro something iwas sent to debate by my school on something “epistmological” i had no clue what that meant. I may have won the debate. Or cried. I used to cry when i froze on stage. Run away and weep. Some fewlines in and then choke. A few judges used to kindly invite me back on stage, and sometimes i used to be able to go past that and say what i had to say, ANd other times not just bear to show my face.

What do i mean? What what do i mean by this feeling that there is something there, this incident and experience of choking.? That there is some part of the pattern continuing to repeat in life. Cruising along and suddenly experiencing an overwhelm, an overload. Neual pathways being flooded and hence going in for a freeze. The input output balance being jammed. In total overload, into a blankness. Or not knowing. Is this how th deer feels when its end game. Then its a sudden fear response. Activated by some thought triggered when part of the concentration wavered off, wandered off unknowingly.

I can understand this. And sounds plausible. There is a steady jet of awareness in one direction and, somewhere there is a small thread of a lag and that streams off and waters a seed in the subconscious that quickly leaps and turns into a dragon. And there is a jam -because the attention is suddenly confused as to where it is supposed to be directed. And a system collapses from that surprise/ stun.

An option could be to continue to keep the awareness in the direction originally intended. And the dragon appears and does its thing and goes away and doesnt receive any more attention that the thin stream. ANd that's insufficient attention to keep the formation alive for too long.

Another could be to redirect the attention in full force towards the dragon, that would mean a pause in the previous direction, transform the dragon in the gaze or attention and resume awareness in the original direction.

There maybe more ways to look at this jam/ stunn/ self sabotage. Yes this is the self sabotage pattern. For sure. Same dog pulling ends of same bone.

I guess, a big part of the fear of going on stage is the fear of this stunn.

Its not so much of not being good enough. I know deep down that with me is a performer vasana alive. And its many aspects calling to be honed, to channel and experience truth, waiting in the stage. Which i believe - i cant. because i dont know how to , I cant because i dont know how to listen how to respond etc etc. Fundamentally, the point is i have experienced the choke on stage. I have experienced the choke in life.

Mind meanders into Gullyboy. With which the word choke had resurfaced in my mind.

From the choke in life, i am procrastinating going on stage.

And somewhere the knot is jumbled. Going on stage is associated with life collapsing. And losing family and friends. And being lost. As if thats the price i have to pay for getting on stage.

Ah!

Like moses, asked to sacrifice the son and and then the lamb, I am being asked my my self if i can stake everything i have to go on stage. And if i am a seeker of truth, the path to it is through the stage - will i take it. If my previous experiences have been that everytime i take it, i stand to lose something.

What a fine core knot.

What do i do?

To do or not to do.

Which is is to be.

To leap and dive in. And let everything go? Thats not what my lived wisdom has been. To step in, slowly, one step at a time. And grow and evolve into it. Maybe i stand a better chance in the water then . Because i am not talking about splashing about the pond. I mean making room for a shipwreck and many many days in the sea. I

MMM. i am seeing worse case scenarios. And i am doing my best o survive. I see the sea as trying to kill me and me doing everything to fight the sea.

What if, what if the sea and i are one? What if i become the sea?

What if the stage and i are one?

What if the stage becomes me?

Where is the other then?

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🙏🙏🙏

I close the door gently behind me. To open another. In gratitude

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