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georgefancys · 4 years

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Endeavour Fandom Meme

alright @bryndeavour tagged me in this literally five seconds ago but i wanna gush about endeavour immediately so

- Top 5 Episodes

Trove, Neverland, Prey, Canticle, Confection. Changes all the time tho (Icarus is not included bc while i really like it, it makes me genuinely depressed when i watch it. rip me)

- Seasons in Order of Preference

S2, S1, S5, S6, S4, S7, S3. Right so: season 2 interests me the most thematically and with the plot arc. Season 1 is just rlly consistently good even though it hasn’t produced any of my top 5, and same with season 5 - i think both of them are just consistently good without any standouts for me? Season 6 i think has a really cool vibe. season 4 is very good except i don’t particularly love Game - i would have said i disliked Harvest too, but I watched it recently for only like the second time and LOVED it so idk what was going on there. Season 7 i honestly think is really good, though i found a lot of problems with it in retrospect (treatment of women and the resolution of Ludo and Violetta’s storyline). Season 3 is WEIRD, because i LOVE Prey and quite like Arcadia. Now im gonna be controversial here: i’m not the BIGGEST fan of Ride. I didn’t like it the first time i watched it, then, since then every time i watched it i liked it more until the last time i watched it when i went back to not particularly loving it...? And i straight up don’t like Coda lmao, after the previous episode had a literal tiger, a shittily-executed bank heist that lasts for half the episode doesn’t really do it for me?

- Favourite Scene(s)

Tiger scene. Sorry to be cliche but tiger scene. The scene where Morse tries to get with Rosalind in Overture. Morse’s father’s death in Home. The ‘you’re not yellow, you’re just blue’ scene in Trove. The scene between Morse in Nick Wilding in Canticle. The LSD scene in Canticle (it’s just so fucking funny). The water-throwing scene in Muse. The fight scene in Passenger. The minefield scene in Colours. The ‘have you eaten?’ ‘of course’ ‘today?’ scene in Quartet. Morse and Isla’s kiss in Confection. The entire finale of Deguello. The scene between Morse and Ludo in Morse’s house in Oracle. Where Strange gets stabbed in Zenana. And my favourite scene in the whole show: the scene where Morse and Thursday are talking to Benny and Clyde in Neverland. Chills the whole time.

- Favourite Musical Piece or Moment

Miserere Mei, Deus in... i think Pylon - i love that piece of music. Jennifer Sometimes in Canticle is a bop. Hard Times from Lewis being in Passenger is a really nice callback. Dies Irae in Harvest is fun. Also, if it counts, i love All Along the Watchtower in the season 5 trailer (and i think it might be in Colours too?)

- Favourite Cinematography/Imagery (season, ep, whatever)

The entirety of Harvest and Canticle. Arcadia is cool - the lovely typical supermarket, House Beautiful, it all fits with the theme of the episode.

- Favourite Ensemble Character that isn’t Morse

oooooof... probably Shirley and George?? Strange is close, esp. in season 7.

- Favourite One episode Character

Eve Thorne. i would die for her. I like Anthony Donn but honestly he doesn’t have much to do in Ride and half of my love for him is cos of his actor, Samuel Barnett. Also Ellie Bagshot in Quartet - for the Foyle’s War crossover.

- Favourite Morse Look (season, ep, whatever)

The red sweater thing in season 3. The weird boiler suit in season 7. The schoolmaster look in Icarus.

- Biggest disappointment

It’s horrendously un-diverse. They should have got another main female character after Shirley left. And it doesn’t treat the women it has amazingly, either - especially Violetta in Zenana. And it wouldn’t hurt to have some more gay rep - a fair few of the episodes have a gay side character, usually one where you only find their sexuality out in one scene late-on. But there should be a gay main character. Grantchester managed it in its second episode! Even Lewis gave us extremely good fodder for bisexual Hathaway. I really thought Ludo would deliver - i was a fool in man’s shoes. Also, Coda - nothing could top the tiger for me, seemingly.

- Provide some Spicy Takes (on canon, fandom, anything)

MORSESTACHE RIGHTS

I’ve already said it twice but, my dislike for Coda. Also, i know this Riles Up some people (cough cough) but there needs to be more canon gay rep, like there just needs to be.

ALSO - i’ll say this now - i love this fandom because there is never ever drama, and i want it to stay that way, but some of us just wanna watch Endeavour for the vibes, some of us wanna enjoy the wider universe, and both are okay and good! But what we shouldnt do is push people in the former group to watch IM or whatever and it can come across slightly as elitism. But enough of that.

- Free Space! (make up something - anything - you want to share or say)

I write fic - https://archiveofourown.org/users/bexpls/works you may be interested in a Morse/Max or a Morse/Anthony Donn, and one of these days i will get that bi Morse casefic and that gay Fancy fic done.

I ship Fancy/Trewlove to death, but i also love them both being gay and being each others’ wingmen.

Tagging: @petersjakes @fitzrove @jasmiinitee @lieutenantmalcolmreed(ik youve been tagged by ange but i love yall) @endeavourous @endeavourmors @melbows

#tag games #endeavour

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jess-oh · 6 years

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Thoughts from the sky 12/18/17

There are two people sitting behind me and I’m really glad that they’re getting along so well but they’ve been talking nonstop since the beginning of this flight and honestly, it sucks! I also don’t know how I actually fell asleep earlier with them talking? The guy isn’t too bad but the lady directly behind me has no gauge for how loud she actually is and it’s crazy.

Anyway, I haven’t actually written in a while. I got really busy and I just didn’t bother ever getting back into it. But I do want to recommit to this. Honestly, I’m really nervous about coming back home. I love my family and I love Jeanne, Lauren, Jude, Cat, Keylee, and Edgar and I’m really excited to see them again. They’ve been there for me through thick and thin and they means the world to me. But Jeanne and Lauren aren’t very involved at Sa-Rang. And I don’t know where God is rn in my UBMS crew’s lives. It’s just hard. Because even though I love them so much, it isn’t enough. They can’t always be there for me and I don’t want to force them into that either.

For Sa-Rang, I tend to hangout with the same people. I probably the closest to Judy and Jennifer of those who are actually involved. But they’ve got their own peeps too and I don’t want to burden them. We don’t actually talk that often throughout the year. Grace An, too. In fact, Grace An actually does care about me. I feel like Jen and Judy are just pitying me. And whether or not that’s true, it’s how I feel and it sucks.

——

I’m supposed to land in LA around 8:44pm PST. It’s currently 7:53pm CST. I wish I had less than an hour left but it’s more like 2.5 hours left. I gotta find some more ways to kill time. The people behind me stopped talking but a baby in front of me started crying. WE’LL SEE

———

I really crave affection and acceptance from others and I don’t think that’s weird. I think I love Lauren and Jeanne so much bc they’re actually so invested in my life and care about what I’m going through and that’s so hard to find other times. I try to talk to Andrew but sometimes it just feels like he’s trying to get rid of me instead of actually listening to me. I tried to vent the other day but he just kept saying, “You’re too hard on yourself,” and leaving it at that. Okay, well, what does that mean???

It’s really nice going through my old things. I just looked at some old yearbook spreads that I forgot I saved and some good memories came back to me. Prior to this, I was feeling discouraged by my transcripts. It’s definitely something that I feel a lot of shame for. And it’s a part that I want to stay buried in the past. I wasn’t a very good student in high school and I failed at least one or two classes a year and I never felt good enough for my family and it sucked. But looking at my old spreads, it reminded me of the good times I had in yearbook too. I remembered some particular moments when I saw the “Camp Sophs’mores” spread. I remembered how Andrew was in charge of the doing the title and tried to put my face in the “O” and how I felt so embarrassed and insisted that he change it! I remember how relieved I felt when he actually spelled the title wrong and had to change everything. I remember how I recently cut my hair at the time and how short it was. I remembered how Anthony tricked me into getting into the photo bar. I remembered how that photo of me was the bane of my existence. I remember how overdramatic I acted but how much fun it was to just be with everyone. I miss that time a lot. I remember how I confided in Anthony that I loved yearbook so much because I felt like I could just feel free to be my weird self and it didn’t matter because everyone else was just as weird or weirder than me. And I remember how he laughed and said that Tim was just the same. I remember how afraid I became of Tim. I remember how deathly afraid I became of him because he came to symbolize yearbook for me. And all the bad parts about it. He became the face of yearbook in my mind. And whenever I saw him, I remembered how desperate I felt, how shitty I felt all the time, how I never felt good enough, how I felt the need to self harm myself, how I felt trapped and depressed and suicidal. How suicide doesn’t mean pulling the trigger on a gun. It means not getting out of the way when there was a chance of your life ending. It meant hoping that something bad would happen to you. It meant, for me, that I was so tired of living and just wanted to die. I wanted to just stop existing because it was too tiring and too hard to continue living. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to get back in control and for me, that was dying and giving up. It was ending it all and escaping the pain of it all.

Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time with church. Because it was a place where I felt like I had to put on a pretty face and pretend that everything was okay when it wasn’t. I could always say that I could’ve tried harder than I did. But the bottom line is I didn’t. I didn’t trust them. And it wasn’t just because it was them. It was because I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. I felt so alone. When people meet me, I always wonder what they think of me. Especially recently, I bet they thought I grew up in a super supportive community with loving parents and a place to just grow and thrive. And I really wish that I did. I wish I had that picture perfect family growing up. But I didn’t. And if only they knew… man. If only I could show them how miserable I felt. Every. Single. Day. How much I wanted to die and just escape it all. How much I felt like screaming but no sound would come out of my throat. How much I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but knew that I couldn’t. How much I wanted to go to therapy and seek help but couldn’t because I was afraid of how my family would judge me. I was so ruled by my fear and felt trapped and like I couldn’t escape my situation. And that’s when I started self harming. Because I felt so out of options. And I needed to feel like I was still alive. Like I was still human. So I started cutting into my skin. Deeper. And Deeper. And deeper still. And it was all because I just felt so desperate and out of options.

It’s easy to put down things and people that you don’t understand. And I don’t know if anyone else was depressed but I think I was the most evidently so. I felt like I was carrying the world’s weight on my back, constantly. And maybe everyone else grew up in a good community with loving friends and parents that stood by their side through thick and thin. And I didn’t have that. I had people that was constantly judging me. I had people that didn’t understand my depression. That stabbed me in the back. That used me to get ahead and left me behind once they were done with me. And it hurt. And it sucked. But I got up. Each time, I got up. And I tried again. And I tried even harder. And I kept going. And now I’m here.

I think Jason really does care about me. And it does make me feel kind of bad thinking about him. I want the best for him and I don’t want him ever feel depressed or bad about himself. I think I’m just constantly reminded of when we were up in Evanston and I literally could have died. But I didn’t. Because he grabbed my shirt and pulled me back. He totally could’ve just let me go but he didn’t. He saw a car coming when I didn’t. And made the executive decision to go after me. He pulled me back and prevented me from dying. And proceeded to scold me a lot after that, haha. He told me to be more careful and I tried to just shrug it off but honestly, I didn’t really feel like I was in my own skin that day. And maybe a part of me did want to die. Maybe a part of me did want to get hit and just be done with it all and no longer uncomfortable. But the worry and concern in his voice and eyes made all the difference. I was in a state of shock. But it made me feel like I mattered. And just thinking about how he would react if he found out that I had been self harming again…it makes me feel really good about myself. Like my life is worth saving. He would actually be worried about me and my life. He would actually take the time to stop what he was doing and see if I was okay. I was really upset at the start of this week for a lot of different reasons. And even though he couldn’t tell that I was trying to push him away, he still just wanted to let me know that he was here for me and that I wasn’t alone. He could see me. And I wanted to be defensive and say that I wasn’t depressed but really? Am I really not depressed in the least? Really??? Anyway, I decided to just accept it and move on. I neither confirmed nor denied my depression but I was also a little surprised by that conclusion.

I just read through some posts in the white elephant/potluck event and I am excited. I am. And I’m also over James. I think it was something that I struggled with for a long time but I really forgot about him this year. I barely ever brought him up in conversation and when I did, it felt awkward. So goodbye, James. You caused me a lot of pain but I’m over it now. I’m over it.

I’m over it.

I’m supposed to meet with P. Josh when I come back to Chicago and I’m actually pretty nervous about it? I think I’m afraid that I’ll get triggered by a memory from high school and start spontaneously crying and I really don’t want to. I want him to trust him and see me for me as I am now. I remember sometimes from high school when I was just suddenly start crying for what seemed like no reason at all. I would literally just have overactive tear glands and I would have a stream of water come down my face. And I would try and reassure my current company that it was fine and that I was fine and honestly wasn’t sure why I was crying so much. And I’m afraid that that’s going to happen when I talk to Josh. We’ll be in mid conversation and I’ll just suddenly start crying. And he’ll ask if I’m okay and I’ll try and reassure him that I’m fine when I’m not and just keep lying to myself that everything is okay when it isn’t and I don’t want to present that image to him. I want him to believe that I’m okay and that there’s nothing wrong with me. But there will be. Man. I think I need to pray about serving again. Because I have gotten a lot better at being open about my faith in public. I’ve worn my church gear out in public whether I was going on errands or just going to class. I’ve been a lot more comfortable with just discussing the topic of religion in a much more comfortable way in public and in fact, I felt empowered by it. So I’ve been doing a lot better recently but I know that I still feel so much fear in my heart sometimes and it’s scary and it sucks sometimes. And I don’t want to drag people down with me. I want to lead people and show them to rightfully rely on God during times of trouble and hardship instead of themselves. And rn, I tend to try and bear the burden of the world on my own shoulders to avoid the guilt of relying too much on others and being too dependent on them. And I do think that I’m really afraid that that will happen again. That I’ll be too dependent on others instead of trying to figure things out for myself. And no one deserves to feel trapped in that situation. I think that’s the position I’m in with my sister right now. But yeah, I want people to know that they can rely on God in all situations and places and even though I can’t emotionally always be there for everyone right now, I want to get to that place and just really compassionately love upon my fellow brothers and sisters. Freshmen and upperclassmen alike. But I’m not there yet and I want to get there. But first, I think I need to come to terms with my own issues and accept that I need to learn to rely on God more because I’m not there yet. I need to accept this for myself before I can start preaching to the choir.

#reflection #thoughts from the sky

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