#e.e.c. diary

[driftbending]

last year, around november, i decided to listen to the bsg soundtrack and write my thoughts as i listened to each song.

didn't get all the way through (i got up to s3's soundtrack and stopped) and honestly i'm so glad i went through as much as i did and wrote until my hand cramped because re-reading some of my thoughts is both fun and useful.

think once i finish the current notebook i'm filling with quotes from antigone i'm gonna go and finish my....detailed listening? i suppose is what i wanna call it.

(also it was a surprisingly good writing exercise!)

#e.e.c. diary #like gaeta's lament; passacaglia; and allegro are still my favorite songs but i forgot how much i loved destiny #oh oh! and prelude to war! such a good song #and the shape of things to come!! #all the songs are fun alright. bsg has one of the best soundtracks period. #kinda glad my sister got into it (at last!) so i can enjoy it all over again

[driftbending]

half-asleep, but i can’t believe i wrote meta for my own fanfic which is still not even finished. and i wrote it just because the words for that meta were there, not for anything else. and as a result of capturing this in a lightning-in-a-bottle kind of way, i ended up clarifying for myself the main point of my story and finding it lovely.

and i’m almost done with “the source of self-regard.” as i read it, i was able to understand what it is that’s missing from my original story. it’s connection. it’s this strange lack of appreciation for flat character arcs, which both my fanfic and original story have and which make me feel like i’m not doing enough as a result even though i’m allowed to have flat character arcs, i just need to remember that i’m trying to push them anyway and challenge them even if i just end up reaffirming their beliefs and their values. it’s a lack of my own connection to the history my characters are clinging to or rooted in in my story.

and i have to say, my fanfic’s flat character arc is something that truly bothers me. i asked my sister, who reads a lot more fanfic than i do (honestly, i haven’t read fanfic for years bc i’m picky and bc for a long while i just stopped reading any form of literature at all), about what she thought about my dilemma with this character and she told me about the terrible ways she’s seen this particular character written in fandom and while it wasn’t surprising, it was sad to hear just how much they reduced this character in fanfic. and that’s what i’m afraid of doing with him. of reducing him. not the way my sister described, but just of making him this one-note kind of character with nothing to do except heal, think, breathe. then my sister said that it was okay if i did this a lot, he is recovering from a trauma after all, and considering what i’ve been reading (mostly meta from different fandoms and toni morrison), i’ve decided that i can just have him do basic simple things. i can have him be the break in the action, where we can sit with him as he thinks. i just need to make sure i have his voice right, so it doesn’t feel like we’re just in anyone’s thoughts but his, but yeah...and considering my sister already read other parts of his story where he fights, where he stands up for himself, where he’s rising to the challenges placed in front of him, i’m hopeful that i won’t reduce him the way fandom seems to. i just hope i write him in a way that is true and that his voice is his own.

#e.e.c. writes #e.e.c. diary #i think i'm going to write more about writing because that's a fun thing to do #and i'm really glad that i took like a week off from trying to write 4k a day overall #bc it's let me completely change some aspects of my original story #and allowed me to think more deeply on what i want from both #and i'm already feeling like i can start tackling them with more vigor again #so here's hoping i fix my schedule so that i'm able to write enough and not get sidetracked too often #bc otherwise i won't ever finish writing my stories and i really really want/need to #anyway i hope this all makes sense. i'm too tired to go back and fix this.

[driftbending]

i’m starting to realize that my two favorite types of m/f relationships are:

tough girl/soft boy

determined mortal/a god

#like my most recent ships that fall into both categories are #jia/inbeom (sell your haunted house) and noemí/francis (mexican gothic) #and moana/maui (moana) and casiopea/hun-kamé (gods of jade and shadow) #i'm kinda curious to figure out what appeals to me the most of both of these dynamics but i'll work that out another time #e.e.c. diary

[driftbending]

.

#it's so awful how i'm staying up late to read more about the bad art friend drama #like it's way too late to be reading this #and yet i can't stop #e.e.c. diary

[driftbending]

me, earlier: there’s no point in going through the tags looking for gifsets, there was nothing good in the finale that’s worth reblogging

my sister: *reblogs jang brother stuff that made my heart love the tragedy of their relationship and fill me with a dire need to write fic for them*

me: so, you see, i clowned myself

#e.e.c. diary #the ending might've been the worst i've ever seen #but the jang brothers are EVERYTHING to me #and hanseo makes me both want to write him and his toxic relationship with his brother AND with a happy ending au #bc he's my favorite and if i'm not giving him both a tragedy and a romance am i really in love with him? #also kinda telling that my sister didn't find any myunghee gifsets to reblog #bc if there was one gifset i would kill for it's her falling on her sword for hanseo and finding peace in jail (however brief) #bc her doing that was one of the most interesting things the ending did #esp bc it protected her AND helped free hanseok and thus give them all their best chance at survival #bc despite everything myunghee knew what alice morgan knew. dying is just worse. #e.e.c. watches vincenzo

[driftbending]

that feeling of frustration that only comes when you get good writing advice but fail to implement it and so the story just continues to careen out of control instead of going the way it’s supposed to go and all you want to do is scrap the entire thing and forget it even though it’s a story that won’t let go and demands it be written.

#this is a story without end #and i'm starting to get annoyed at myself #bc just as i think i have a handle on it i realize that it's not actually completed #and it keeps happening over and over again #i really might just have to scrap it and try again some other time idk #i hate this #e.e.c. diary

[driftbending]

listening to gaeta’s lament and crying just a little bit

#alessandro juliani's voice is angelic and perfect #(since i realized he's L's english VA my life has not known peace) #and the song is tragic and lovely #(and reminds me of pippin's edge of night) #and gaeta's storyline is agony #and i love every little bit of it #e.e.c. diary #eta: the more i listen to the song the more i fall in love with it it's so damn good

[driftbending]

why go to sleep early or plan out my stories when i can stay up writing angry meta that will likely only reach my sister’s ears about the terrible messages in v/incenzo bc the book i’m reading is sparking feelings about its hypocritical messages on wealth, power, and who deserves it vs who doesn’t deserve it.

#e.e.c. diary #it's been a month or so since it ended and i'm still fucking steamed about it #asdkfjasdfasd #i'm just going back on my notepad to write it out until there's nothing else to write #and maybe just maybe reconsidering listening to essays about how most wealth is created through violence #because that just makes me all !!! #and it's not a good state to be in at 3 in the fucking morning lmao

[driftbending]

so, i got a storygraph account, mostly so that i can use the stats feature and figure out what kinds of books i generally like (something something navel gazing) and it’s as interesting as i thought it would be

i didn’t set the date of when i finished the book i had to just sort this as an all-time thing, and it’s not complete by any means, but the results are very interesting and clarify so much for me.

i think the funniest thing about all this is that when i re-started my habit of reading (which was so painful bc i didn’t really want to read at all and had a lot of trouble focusing), 300 pages seemed to be a lot, but now it’s something i’m used to reading. it’s nice.

i gotta say the “slow pace vs face pace vs medium pace” section is just ??? to me. i looked at each section individually to see what books fell under each category and i’m thinking about the books themselves and i’m just left even more ??? about it.

#anyway idk how long i'll stick to using this #i do like the recommended books feature but i'm fickle and websites like this rarely hold my attention for long lol #e.e.c. diary

[driftbending]

i’ve been trying to give up on this fic for a long while and now that i’m looking back at my recent attempts at restarting it (which are proving rather successful, thankfully) i’m all sorts of emotional about it bc it’s starting to feel right.

"See?" Hanseok said, looking over his shoulder at Hanseo. "This is much more fun."

Hanseo rolled his eyes. "You're getting so strange, hyung."

"Consider it a perk of being dead."

#how much of this will survive my cutthroat editing when i do finish? who knows #but i realized what was restraining me from writing this story and it's sooooo nice to write these kids again #tho ngl my interests rn lie in...k/yohan so it's taking all my self-restraint not to just write for them lmao #BUT ANYWAY #hopefully i'll start writing my original story from the top as i plan soon #after spending more time researching gothic lit i'm planning on scrapping a lot of what i had and starting over #so hopefully that goes well #e.e.c. writes #e.e.c. diary

[driftbending]

me, last night after finishing the show: it’s such a bummer for me that i can’t find myself actually inspired enough by motak to fucking write anything for him, he deserves it, my beloved deserves stories written about him. why, why can’t i be inspired! why can’t i find his voice!

me, today: okay, so now i go back and edit the fuck out of this ficlet of motak trying to bond with giran while sprinkling hints of past!motak/jeongyeong here and there bc parallels! subconscious connections!

#e.e.c. writes #e.e.c. diary #when my sister was like 'the counters aren't even bonded to their yung spirits' my sleep-deprived brain decided to fix that #and it came up with something that isn't god awful but which needs major work #(i say this as if the show itself didn't need some major work or whatever lmao) #asdfaj and now i'm thinking about all the other ficlets i'm currently trying to edit and post for other fandoms #and the wips i'm currently ignoring #why does my writer brain work like this???

[driftbending]

hmmm, this is going to need more work than my other fic, but the satisfaction i have writing myunghee is impossible to quantify.

She wasn't like Seunghyeok, who made measly mouthed pleas to be spared, to be let in. She never had the luxury of begging. And now she wasn't going to give Hanseo the satisfaction that would come if she begged to keep Babel's business.

#e.e.c. writes #e.e.c. diary #hanseo's voice is the source of all my frustrations #none of the babel four give me as much trouble as hanseo #meanwhile none of the babel four give me as much satisfaction as myunghee does #characters that speak bluntly are such a joy to write #also i'm so happy to be writing daily again #i haven't written my big WIPs this month bc i haven't been well and haven't had many ideas #so getting to write short stories and fics again has been rather liberating #and a nice way to get back into the habit of writing again

[driftbending]

decided to say fuck it and write my russian roulette jang brothers fic instead of my two WIPs and i haven’t even finished writing this particular fic, but i wrote this and i’m just 💕

Swallowing hard, Hanseok feels a twinge of pain in his side. The wounds had healed, his body had strengthened, but the lingering ghost pain remained, his body reliving the moment it was struck by the bullet, his body reliving its own almost-death.

#e.e.c. writes #e.e.c. diary #i've had this story in my head for months now #and bc i've been feeling frustrated w/my writing in my WIPs (it's complicated to explain #but basically i haven't found the way to balance my purpleish prose + dialogue for my WIPs and it makes me hate writing) #so i'm like okay time to do something different #let's do something you've been wanting to write for a while now #hopefully the ending won't be something i hate and i'll be able to post it soon #and i know i'm going to change a lot when i edit it #but rn i'm just happy with it as it is

[driftbending]

me: i've done my studying, i've read more of my book, i’ve got my coffee and my cherries, time to sit down and write my stories! yay!

my brain: so, what if we write about how v/incenzo isn't a remotely anti-capitalist story because it was mostly a story about a mafioso who wanted to destroy the conglomerate that was getting between him and his gold which coincidentally helps the tenants as it gets rid of the people trying to destroy their livelihoods and kill them, and that if it had wanted to have an anti-capitalist message it would have likely have had paolo cut off his resources and make him powerless by making him a persona non grata amongst their associates, forcing him to truly rely on the tenants and begin to understand their lives as he lives like them poor and alone, forcing him to realize he has more in common as a mafioso to the banker that ruined his mother's life than his mother, forcing him to reconsider why he joined the mafia in the first place and address whatever pain it is that is inside him that made him so angry and—

me:

#i am just trying to live my life and write my shitty drafts #and this meta just ends up taking a seat and demanding attention #no thank you #not today #not right now #e.e.c. diary

[driftbending]

reading about redemption arcs. again. and learned something fascinating about the difference culture makes wrt the path a character would have to take to be redeemed. again. and it’s making me think about the almost-abandoned fic i’ve been ignoring. again.

#e.e.c. diary #asdklfajsddfdsf i won't be able to let go of this fic (much less this fandom) until i finish it #but to write it i have to be interested and i'm not but bc it's a wip it's gonna haunt me until i do #this is an awful loop to be stuck in and i want out #(like technically i'm out and my brain is occupied by other fandoms that spark more joy #but the idea is stuck to me like taffy)

[driftbending]

lmao not me analyzing hanseo/hanseok again and finally pinning down how/why they hurt each other only to have a lilo and nani gifset pop up with the whole “i shouldn’t have yelled at you” “we’re sisters, it’s our job” scene.

#i'm reading another book but thinking about the psych book on betrayal i'm reading #(bc betrayal features heavily in the stories i'm writing. both fanfic and original so it's part of my research) #and occasionally writing down thoughts as they come to me as i try to piece together all of this #and then that gifset pops up. is this synchronicity??? lmao #anyway siblinghood is fun to write about. especially the messed up parts of it. #and honestly i'm waiting for the end of TDJ to see if i get more isaac/yohan revelations so i can write about them too #which...ahhhhhh!!! just this last weekend and TDJ is over! it all passed by so quickly! #e.e.c. diary #e.e.c. writes