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deilands · 6 years

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The (Gas)Light of God

Before I begin writing this entry, I want to make it clear of my reasoning for composing a post of this sort. My audience is varied and some are people of faith and some are not. Some are questioning their faith and some have already walked away. I would not feign to call myself a spiritual scholar or philosopher but at times I have thoughts that run through my head that need to be put on paper. For some this may express thoughts that you’ve had before but haven’t really been able to properly attack them. For others, this may be offensive. In either case, understand that I am not attacking any individual personally. I am not trying to take anyone’s religion away from them. I am simply placing my own thoughts out into the ether. Also – one last note – I may edit this as time goes on to add to the length. But I wanted to get started at least.

Part 1: What is Gas-Lighting?

In 1944, a movie called Gaslight debuted. It starred Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. In this story, a woman named Paula (played by Bergman) marries a man named Gregory Anton (played by Boyer) after a whirlwind romance. They are in love and they are happy and Gregory persuaded Paula to leave her home and move with him far away from her community to London where she knows no one.

Things quickly take a turn for the worse as strange things begin to happen to Paula. Things begin vanishing from around her. Paintings that were on the wall disappear, a personal broach that she had kept in a particular place vanishes, and all the while Gregory tries to convince her that she is the one causing the disappearances. She also notices that the gas lights in the house seem to be dimmer each day – except when she asks her husband about these things, he convinces her that she is just seeing things. Slowly, but surely, unable to trust her own senses – she begins to go crazy. Gregory’s end goal? To have her institutionalized so he can steal her family jewels.

Gas-lighting is now known as a number of behaviors used to control a victim by making them doubt their own reality. According to “Turning up the lights on Gaslighting” by Kate Abramson, gaslighting “is a form of emotional manipulation in which the gaslighter tries (consciously or not) to induce in someone the sense that her reactions, perceptions, memories and/or beliefs are not just mistaken, but utterly without grounds—paradigmatically, so unfounded as to qualify as crazy.”

It’s important to note that this is not usually done consciously by the abuser but as part of a grander unknown scheme that exists within their head.

I want to posit in this journal that the Christian god can, if not constrained, become an amazing element of gas-lighting and as a result can damage people in a way much more profound than from a traditional relationship.

Part 2 – It’s YOUR Fault

Instead of building from the minor examples of how the Christian narrative tends to gaslight believers, I want to start from my largest supposition and work down.

According to Christianity, the reason that the world is corrupt - that sin and death exist, that children die by the millions each year, and that enumerable atrocities both man-made and natural happen is due to one thing. You.

You are the cause in some way of this insidious destruction which leaves so many to mourn. You are the reason that God sent his only son to die on a cross. Every time you think of someone lustfully you nail again Jesus to the cross. Every time you are angry without cause at your brother, you stab another nail into his hand. After all – if mankind wouldn’t have sinned in the first place, none of this would have ever happened.

But that’s ok. God forgives you. He loves you. Just don’t do it ever again.

I want to pause and post a few of the traits of a person who is feeling the effects of gaslighting:

1) You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or who you are.

2) You never quite feel “good enough” and try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable or harm you in some way.

3) You feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, e.g. you’re neurotic or are “losing it.”

Most importantly, a person who is being gas-lit is being convinced that their own mental faculties and their own beliefs and their own story is somehow tainted and incorrect. They are convinced that they are the one in the wrong – that they can’t even trust their own choices or their own minds.

We were taught as Christians from a young age that we can’t trust our own hearts. They are, after all corrupted by sin. Our own decision making is flawed. I’ve sung many songs about Jesus being more and me being less because when it came to who was better, the person I was wasn’t good enough and could never be good enough no matter what I did.

It was all filthy rags.

But let me ask you a question. Who is more powerful here? If the Christian God existed, wouldn’t he be? If God is unable to create a perfect being who lives perfectly and does perfectly then doesn’t the blame fall not on man but on God? If I place a chocolate cake in front of a two-year-old and walk away after telling them not to eat it and they do it anyway – who is really to blame? Is it me or is it the two-year-old?

If God were to be the creator of the universe and were to give mankind all of the traits that express themselves as what Christians call sin and then expect them not to fall prey to those devices and THEN when they do – blame them for HIS mistakes… is this not gas-lighting?

Part 3 – Who are you to question?

Even as a Christian, the most disturbing story that I ever read in Scripture has to have been the story of Job. Imagine this – God and the Devil are hanging out up in heaven and the Devil says, “Hey, God, I betcha I can make Job curse you.”

Of course, God being all-knowing says, “Uh, I don’t take bets. Especially when I know what happens in the end.”

No. No. No. I’m sorry. That’s the way it would have happened with a compassionate God.

Sorry. God, sometimes having a penchant for gambling, tells the devil, “Sure. Go ahead. Take your best shot.”

So, the devil does. He kills and he maims and he disenfranchises Job among his friends. He destroys the life of this guy so that he and God can settle a bet that God (according to Christian doctrine) already knew the answer to.

And in the end? When Job deigns to question what the crap happened?

The perfect response from a Gas-Lighting Creator. “Who are you to question me?”

Imagine telling this to your kids. You take away everything they hold dear. I’m not talking about grounding them to their room. I’m talking about killing their favorite kitten, shredding their beloved teddy-bear, burning all of their clothes, and destroying every last thing that they hold dear. Why? Oh – because the neighbor bet that if that stuff happened your kid would hate you.

And when your child – who has been better-behaved than any child could be, asks you why? You tell him, “Who are you to question me. I’m your father. I give and I take away.”

You’d be arrested for child abuse. How many people have questioned God when their child got sick or their job got lost only to be told by well-meaning individuals, “It must just be part of God’s plan. He knows.”

That, my friends, is gas-lighting.

Part 4 – A glass of cognitive-dissonance anyone?

I think the most difficult part to recognize in all of this is that it happens slowly and methodically. We are taught by the church that we are horrible people and only believing in the God of the Scriptures will save us. We feel accepted because the words sound nice on the surface and we are hurting so much. A person doesn’t get into a relationship with a narcissist because they are mean. They get involved because that person shows all of the best things.

I can heal your hurt. I can take away the pain. I can help you lose the guilt and the shame. I can bring you joy and happiness. I can show you love.

If. And this is the truth that reveals the lie. If you will follow my commands. If you will become a slave to me. If you will let me invade your life and change your friends and isolate you from all of those people that aren’t like us. If you will give up everything – your mother, your father, your sister, your brother – to follow me. Then, I will do these things for you.

What is even more insidious is this. I don’t believe that there ever was a Christ that was crucified. I don’t believe that there is a Jehova Jireh waiting to provide if I do all of the right things and pray the right prayers. What I do believe is that a group of people, searching for answers – and eventually for power – created an amazingly powerful institution that convinced people that they were inherently evil in and of themselves.

It convinced them that they couldn’t trust their own hearts.

It convinced them that their conscience was seared as with an iron and their faculties were controlled by desires that were not proper. It told them not to question because questioning was pride. It told them to accept that all things happened for the better. “I’m only doing this for your good.”

And even more so it had a potion for all of this. Eat of this body, drink of this blood and all will be well. But is it well? Has he lived up to his bargain? Or does he simply ask for more. And more. Do you feel confused as children continue to die while prayers are lifted when the God of Mark says that you can heal the sick? Do you feel hurt while you have to explain why God was ok with the Israelites raping women?

I can’t.

It doesn’t really seem to have gotten any better to me and I want to tell you something important.

YOU ARE GOOD IN YOURSELF. You don’t need to be justified or sanctified because, let’s be honest – If God needed to let us commit atrocities so that he could send his son to die to appease himself. . . if he needed to create mankind on this little blip of a planet in this tiny solar system in a galaxy that is only one of millions of others just so that he could be worshiped? Damn. That’s the greatest gas-lighter I’ve ever heard of.

I’m sorry if this post seemed hard. I’ve heard stories tonight and they break my heart and in that I am angry.

#Religion #deconversion #faith #gaslighting #atheism #agnosticism #Christianity #anger

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