#deppresion.txt

[pepperpixel]

ventinggg belowwwww

i fucking.... hate being alive, and yet i’m terrified of dying. so like, what a fucking wonderful existence i lead..... ugHHHHHHHH..

like.... i haven’t had a panic attack for almost half a year now but theres this ever present stress that i feel every day. somedays i can ignore it, and i can almost forget its there and some days i rlly fucking can’t. and i’ve had more thoughts of actual legit cutting myself and ending my life self harm recently then i’ve had in my entire fucking life. (i used to self harm but it was just hitting myself rlly hard. i was too scared to ever cut myself, and i still am. but i still don’t rlly think its great to be thinking about it this often, even if i know i’d never do it)

like... i feel like i should be over this, like i should just be fine. i went to therapy for like, a whole year last year. and i got a lot better from where i was at before. like i stopped self harming and i stopped having panic attacks. and im generally leading a way better life now. one i enjoy a lot more often then i used to. so its rlly fucking hard for me to even admit when im not ok now cuz i feel like i should be fine, and that, by not being fine im letting down everyone who cares about me, and wants me to be ok. and thinks i am ok cuz i don’t fucking talk about my feelings anymore to people. cuz i feel like there’s no reason for me to be feeling them.

cuz like??? shits not even that bad!!! like in my life things are fine! i have an s/o who i love. i have plans to get a drivers licence, and then a bank account. and then i can start selling my art and stuff online. i have friends. i have an idea as to how im going to get a job. and i know im not going to college. but i genuinely think thats the best choice for me personally. looking at everything laid out i don’t think im gonna be a fuck up. but my brain keeps telling me im gonna let everybody down. that im just gonna stay in the house. that im a disappointment. even though i know i won’t be i can’t stop stressing out over my future.

and i can’t even talk to anybody about it because i just keep fucking thinking that im just being whiny, or that i shouldn’t bother others about it. or that like. if i say something to them there gonna think im expecting them to find a way to help me when im not. cuz i know they can’t and i don’t expect that, i just wanna. talk about it. get it off my chest. but im so scared of being a downer or annoying. or of stressing them out with my shit.. 

like.. the only reason im even talking about it here is cuz it feels more like yelling into the void than forcing somebody to pay attention to me, and to listen to my nonsense. like. ur all strangers so its less stressful. im supposed to be ok for the people in my real life tho. im supposed to be over this. its honestly taken me so long to even convince myself i wasn’t ok. i just kept ignoring it. cuz i wasn’t having panic attacks. and i’ve been managing to (sorta) keep up with my hygiene, so i should just be fine! cuz those we’re the big issues and im kind of sort of over them now, so everything should be ok! but its not. and i fucking hate it....

i’ve managed to talk to my grandma about trying to get me with a therapist again. but i don’t think she’s rlly taking it seriously, cuz i sorta downplayed how i was feeling. cuz i don’t want her to think any less of me, and cuz i can’t even rlly make up my own mind on whether or not i even need a therapist again. even tho im obviously not ok. its still just hard to admit it, idk tho man.... i just needed to talk about stuff. and i can’t work up the courage to talk to ppl who actually kno me.. srry for getting all serious out of the blue tho. i kno i haven’t rlly ever talked about stuff like this on here, i just sorta wanted to get it off my chest.

#deppresion.txt #srsly dont look at this if u get stressed out knowing other ppl are upset #just keep scrollin #cuz i do that shit too and it sucks so i don't want anybody else doing it about me #i just needed to vent #i should probably just fucking take a shower or something. those usually help me calm down a little bit #i also rlly don't fucking feel like it but when do i ever. feel like it #ughhhhh #pepper words #pls don't feel any pressure to respond to this im just yelling into the void #may delete later if i end up regretting sharing my entire mental psyche with the internet #we shall see