#csdr randomthought
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Comfort Escape II
(disclaimer: SUPER LONG STORY TIME)
Hey y'all
So I just ditch this page after I finish the challenge. Haha it’s so me I’ll tell you. Setelah gue bebas dari suatu tanggung jawab, I tend to procrastinate to start another one because I feel like I need a break. I actually already came up with another challenge idea that will make me preoccupied for the next 30 days. But before that, I need to prepare myself because I alone have a very high expectation for myself and it’s not that rare for me to be disappointed by that. You see I tend to blame myself for everything because of my own expectations but I can help to set the bar that high because that is the only thing that can push me forward and thrive in life.
Anyway, a lot of things happened after I started this page. As time went by I had a lot of disagreements with my mom and brother, which made me overthink a lot and I ended up going to a psychiatrist, oh and I’ve been sleeping a lot, like too much. My grandma now lives with us which is a good thing because if anything happens, I go to her and ease up my mind looking for mental support hehe. The thing about writing, gue masih mencoba untuk bisa seperti dulu lagi dimana gue melarikan diri lewat tulisan tapi susah ya ceu. I mean segimana keras gue mencoba untuk nulis lagi tuh rasanya ada yang menghalangi aja gitu kan. Belakangan gue kalau ada apa-apa cuma diem aja dikamar, tiduran, bengong, atau ya tidur sekalian. Gitu deh pokoknya.
Gue mau story time dulu nih. Dulu waktu SMA, sekolah gue ngadain kompetisi dan semacam pensi gitu terus ada kompetisi film pendek yang dulu gue lupa antara jurinya atau pesertanya itu Aulion. Kalau gak salah awalnya peserta, terus tahun berikutnya jadi juri. Dia top banget sih pada waktu itu, sampai sekarang gue masih selalu kagum sama karya-karya dia di youtube. Terus ada film pendek yang ikut kompetisi itu judulnya Borderline. Gue lupa ini dari sekolah mana tapi mereka jadi peserta di tahun itu. Awalnya gue gak ngerti ini apa sih maksudnya, ceritanya agak gak jelas dan gue kayak ini kenapa begini cowoknya. Turns out, it’s about Borderline Personality Disorder. Gue dulu gak begitu banyak baca tentang ini, karena jaman gue SMA dulu, pengetahuan dan awareness on mental health issue itu belum setinggi sekarang. Gue baru benar-benar mencari tahu dan aware tentang mental health waktu gue akhirnya merasakan hal itu sendiri di masa-masa kuliah gue.
Gue pernah sekali self diagnosed, dari beberapa event yang terjadi dan gue rasakan terus gue cocoklogi dengan gejala dan ciri-ciri dari beberapa gangguan mental yang gue temukan di internet. Sebenarnya itu jadi salah satu batu loncatan buat gue untuk bertanya ke orang yang lebih ahli karena dari beberapa tes online yang gue ambil dan konsul online lewat aplikasi memang disarankan untuk konsul langsung ke dokter atau psikolog. Lagipula at that time, the only reason that makes sense about my condition is only that diagnosis I made for myself. Turns out it’s a lot bigger than I expected. Dulu gue mengira gue hanya depressed karena skripsi gak kelar-kelar dan gue merasa gak punya teman jadi gue mengalihkan hal itu dengan makan yang banyak, minum alkohol setiap hari, belanja sampai duit gue habis, dan pada akhirnya mencoba bunuh diri. Gue bertindak terlalu impulsif and doing things that will risk my wellbeing for weeks and weeks after that I just bundled up in my bed doing nothing but regretting my life decisions. Kalau dipikir sekarang, dulu gue benar-benar menghabiskan hampir 2 tahun disana doing nothing but that. Makanya akhirnya gue konsul ke dokter.
After several appointments, diagnosa dokter adalah Affective Bipolar Disorder dan gue menjalani pengobatan dan terapi psikologis sejak saat itu. I’m actually getting a lot better. Setelah 1 tahun lebih akhirnya gue punya mood yang lebih stabil. Gue gak gampang sedih dan overthink, tapi gue juga gak gampang berperilaku impulsif dan overly happy sampai terlalu hyper like I used to be. Gue merasa fine-fine aja. Memang gue kadang gak bisa menahan ledakan emosi kayak marah, sedih, senang, atau segala jenis emosi lain tapi menurut gue yang disetujui dokter gue waktu itu adalah it’s just a part of me that I have to embrace. Adalah hal yang wajar kalau kita merasa marah dan kecewa kalau ada hal yang gak kita suka, memang gue orangnya begitu dan yang perlu gue lakukan adalah gimana gue bisa mengontrol diri gue dengan baik. I swear to you I became a lot docile after that.
Gue gak pernah sekalipun memakai kondisi kesehatan mental gue as an excuse for my wrongdoing. Gak ding, bohong haha. Sometimes I just wish that people would understand me and my actions and how I hold back this whole time because of my mental conditions. Gue pengen dimengerti gitu loh. Tapi gue selalu berfikir gimana kalau sebenarnya orang lain juga punya masalah sendiri dan dia harus keep up sama gue yang begini which make them decided to keep distance from me because I’m such a toxic person. My mood swing is no joke. I’m afraid that they will leave me alone, that could be my family, friends, loved ones, anyone. I’m afraid they’d give up on me and leave and to be frank I’ve done anything for them to not leave me, making myself pathetic, doing everything they like, and anything else you named it. Ngerti gak? I have a fear of abandonment. Kenapa sekarang gue bisa ngomong kayak gitu? Last week I went to the doctor and he said that I might have a Borderline Personality Disorder this whole time and my previous doctors seem to overlook it because the Bipolar episode was more severe back then.
Then it hit me like a lightning bolt sent from Olympus. Dari situ gue mikir, kenapa gue gak kepikiran tentang hal itu ya? Selama ini gue pikir gak mungkin punya gangguan mental lebih dari satu pada waktu yang sama. Dari situ terus mulai lah gue cari-cari tentang BPD dan menonton beberapa video untuk edukasi diri. It scares me really. Mungkin ini yang selama ini gue rasakan tapi entah kenapa dokter gue dulu gak pernah melihat hal ini padahal sebenarnya kalau gue ingat lebih nyata terjadi. Gimana dulu gue bersikap sangat pathetic pada teman-teman gue dengan tujuan they take pity of me and stay by my side yang malah berujung they talk shit about me behind my back tanpa coba mengerti gue. Maybe you could imagine how I felt back then, tapi gue mikir daripada gue yang ditinggal lebih baik gue yang meninggalkan mereka duluan, and I left. I left that circle and refused to join them unless a person personally asked me to join.
Have you ever felt guilty after venting up your anger to someone else? Sewajarnya pasti lah ya, tapi mungkin ada juga yang ngerasa lega atau malah satisfy karena udah bisa menyampaikan isi pikiran mereka. But have you ever felt afraid and guilty that you start to think that this person, whoever you vent your anger to, will eventually be tired of you and leave you because you just hurt their feelings several times at that? I do everytime. Like I said, my mood swing is no joke. I get agitated over the smallest thing and snap if I ever feel upset over anything. But less than 5 minutes after that, I get excited and happy after I read comics and forget I ever felt upset before. Dating a person like me will be like riding a roller coaster everyday. Bayangin dulu gue dekat dengan satu cowok yang keep up sama personality gue yang begini selama 2 tahun lebih dan dulu gue gak tau kalau gue mungkin punya BPD. Gue benar-benar takut dia ninggalin gue karena gue hanya selingkuhan dia. We’re happy at times but at some points I frustrated the hell out of him, guilt trip him, playing victims, doing all things he asked me to, even though I love him with all my heart not rarely I demand for more attention and support, I also buy things for him and pay for his meals and expenses hanya agar supaya dia puas dengan gue dan gak ninggalin gue. I want him to be with me, mau gue tetap jadi selingkuhan dia atau tetap jadi teman pokoknya dia gak kemana-mana. But after all that I’ve done in the end he still left me. I hate him even now but looking back, I deserve his hate too.
I know that I’m a very toxic person and that it would be hard for people to keep up with me but I want everyone to know that I’m trying my best to control myself so that nobody ever feels offended and would eventually leave me. Sebisa mungkin gue melakukan hal apapun yang membuat orang lain nyaman dengan gue. You could say that I’m a people pleaser, walaupun ada beberapa hal yang memang kalau gue gak mau dan gak suka, gue akan langsung bilang ke mereka sambil memutar otak gimana biar orang lain tetap puas dengan jalan tengah. Kayak misalkan di rumah gue sendiri, gak jarang ada perbedaan pendapat antara Bapak, Ibu, dan Mas yang kadang malah bikin suasana rumah jadi gak enak. Jujur gue selalu takut kalau akan ada saatnya, ada yang gak bisa tahan lagi dan akhirnya memutuskan untuk keluar dari rumah. Untuk mencegah hal itu terjadi gue menjadi penengah untuk ketiganya dengan berpikir netral dan mencari jalan tengah untuk masalah yang ada. It has always been like that since a long time. Paling terasa adalah waktu kakak gue mau menikah dan sekarang-sekarang ini setelah Bapak gak ada. Sometimes I can control my mood better jadi gue bisa menjadi penengah yang adil dan menyelesaikan masalah dengan damai but some other times I can’t take it anymore and just blow up. It happens on a daily basis. Capek gak sih? Gue jujur capek kayak gini terus dan kenapa gue baru tau sekarang kalau gue kemungkinan besar memang punya BPD.
Terus gue juga baru nyadar kalau semua OC atau tokoh-tokoh dalam cerita gue itu punya kehidupan dan situasi yang sebenernya gue inginkan. I’d like to imagine that they are actually me in another life as I have several universes for my own story. There’s time when I even make it sound that I have another personality karena gue pengen banget membuang kehidupan gue yang sekarang. Ada waktu dimana gue gak mau pakai nama asli gue dan memilih untuk pakai nama dari karakter fiksi yang gue buat, terus gue bersikap benar-benar seperti karakter itu waktu gue kuliah dulu. Gue juga pernah menjadikan mereka pelarian gue dengan membangun imajinasi bahwa gue adalah mereka dan imajinasi itu jadi comfort zone untuk gue. Hari ini gue mau jadi si A ah, terus gue membangun setting tempat, waktu, dan kejadian di otak gue and actually act it out as if it was all real and not in my imagination. Strangely it does make me feel a lot better. Weird and stupid I know, but if it worked then it’s not that stupid. Well maybe just a little.
I know that tumblr might not be suitable for this kind of post but I’m not actually looking for a reader, you see I’m just pouring all my thoughts and this is what I call comfort writing. I find writing this on a laptop is much more efficient and convenient than in a book. I mean at least my hand isn’t weary. It’s just my writing style to imagine that there’s actually people who read my writings. When in real life, the only person that ever reads my writings is only my father. If you happen to see this and actually read the whole post until this paragraph then you have my greatest gratitude and might as well interact with me or something, I’m a lonely person you see I might need your company :)
By the way, I decided to start a new challenge on Monday. Gonna prepare a lot and it will be a little bit different from before. Hehe please help me expect a lot from myself.
Jadi, sampai jumpa di tulisan lainnya!
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