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#could exploit that. i'm surprised i never had anything happen to me beyond being pressured into trying chew tobacco (awful and disgusting)
luvsavos
·
3 months
Text
random vent(?) in the tags, feel free to ignore i just have a lot of pent up emotions to get out today apparently
#mar.txt
#it's weird being aro(?) and yet also longing for a relationship. maybe its just bc almost all of my friends are in one
#maybe it's bc of how easily jealous i get
#maybe its the fact that i'm constantly being reminded that i am nobody's most important person. there's always someone more important.
#maybe it's just the all-consuming,gaping hole of loneliness within me
#idk.
#i don't even know if i AM actually aro or if i'm just so demi that i may as well be aro or if ive just had so many bad experiences that it
#feels impossible for me to feel romantic attraction
#a few of my ocs (shara and the alatreon) are how i think i'd describe myself; aro,but willing to be in a relationship provided the other
#person isn't bothered by them being aro,bc they have their own equivalent to romantic feelings
#i know i'll never have one though. for all my confidence and whatnot i still very much am insecure about my own loveability. because the
#only thing life has shown me is that i very much am not loveable. all the way back in first grade ppl were already using me instead of
#actually caring
#'dating' me to make someone else jealous. so they could have a drug buddie. a fuck buddie. so they could try to manipulate me into things
#because i was a young teenager desperate for validation and to feel like i mattered and belonged and they were nearly adults who knew they
#could exploit that. i'm surprised i never had anything happen to me beyond being pressured into trying chew tobacco (awful and disgusting)
#and doing it every time i was around my 'boyfriend' and his friends
#the only two genuine relationships i had didn't last either; one lost feelings after three years and the other just sorta stopped talking to
#me and iirc eventually picked up a boyfriend that was actually local instead of long distance
#i am not worthy of love. i will never be loved in the way that my friends are. hell i won't ever even find a qpp(?). and that makes me sad.
#to know i will always be alone. that i'm destined to die alone. but it is what it is i guess. i just wish it didn't bother me so much.
#i wish i could be content in my loneliness and not be jealous of everyone around me. i wish i could accept that i will never be anybody's
#most important person. that the only person i can or will ever be the most important to is myself. self love,yeah? ha.
#maybe 2024 will have something in store for me. god i hope it does. but i doubt it will. more of my friends will get into relationships,
#those already in them will stay in them and/or take a step forward in their relationship. and i will remain alone. just as i always have.
#anyways. sorry vent over i'm just. ugh. upset today. emotions are stupid and i want a refund on them. i did not ask to be saddled with the
#burden of feeling such intense,suffocating displacement and loneliness. i did not ask to feel these negative emotions so strongly.
#i just want to be someone's most important person. i just want to matter.
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