#cassy was a surprise. one week he was his normal attitude filled self. the next week he was dead. not even 2 years old.

[orcelito]

the weird thing about when someone dies is that they're never truly dead in my head. when i think about my grandpa, my grandma, my uncle, i dont think of them as dead. i think of them as just... gone for a while. some longer than others. i think about my cat sammy and my cat cassy and i feel like i could still look over and see them there beside me. i can see the way sammy would always cuddle right up to me and lay his head on my shoulder. i can see the way cassy would swivel his head at me when he wanted pets.

they're all dead. they're all gone. but i feel like i could see them again, just like old times. all i need to do is give them a call.

#speculation nation #death/ #animal death ment/ #negative/ #i suppose. im not feeling bad exactly. just contemplating the psychological disparity. #even with my cats. i was there when they were put down. i saw them dead. i kissed their cold little heads. #i think about my uncle. how he came into my work unexpectedly a year or two ago. how delighted i was to see a familiar face. #i think of my grandma. the phone calls we would have. how supportive she was of me and my sexuality. #i think of my grandpa. his eccentricities. the way he rambled on and on about history or his own experiences #they are all alive in my mind. but years pass and theyre just Gone. absent from my life. little warning and little preparation. #i knew my grandpa was dying. my grandma was a very unpleasant surprise. #i knew my uncle was dying. but there were only six weeks between the cancer diagnosis and his death. hardly any time at all. #i knew sammy's time was running out. he was 14 years old. he was getting so skinny. and then he was gone. #cassy was a surprise. one week he was his normal attitude filled self. the next week he was dead. not even 2 years old. #for a lot of my life i hadn't known death. not really. i'd never closely known anyone who had died. #but i know now. and the odd thing is that Yes it hurts. but more often it's just strange. #someone can be in your life one day and out the next. and there's no true way to predict it. #hug your loved ones a little closer. i know i have been lately.