#canon typical content warnings for kinnporsche apply | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

daswarschonkaputt · 2 years

Note

What was Kinn thinking here? Was he upset at himself, joking, turned on?

"First time anal sex without—” to Kinn’s still looking at him like he’s fragile,

ahh, my favourite part of the sex scene: they actually talk to each other before getting down and dirty.

“First time anal sex without—” Porsche winces, just a bit. “Without?” “Drugs.”

it's interesting to me that you've pulled out this bit of their interaction, because to me, this is the bit where i think it's most obvious what kinn is thinking. but that might just be from my position of author omniscience.

kinn is a bit blindsided by this, i'll be honest. i've mentioned before, but kinn has absolutely no reason not to believe that porsche has experience with men. unlike canon, porsche went into the compound fully aware of kinn's proclivities -- he kind of had to be, as he was being kinn's fake boyfriend. so, porsche has shown no negative reaction whatsoever to kinn on account of kinn being a man.

they've never talked about it before. kinn thinks porsche is, at the very least, bisexual, and fairly experienced. and porsche himself has taken steps to try and prevent kinn from finding out about his inexperience, because he didn't want to feel like it was being used against him.

Kinn’s thumb stills where it’s stroking his cheek. When he speaks, his voice is just a little too light to be believed. “You’ve had a lot of sex under the influence, then?” This is—worse, almost, than if Kinn just laughed at him. “No.” Kinn’s face is unreadable.

here, kinn is clarifying with porsche if what he thinks he's reading from the conversation is correct. he's asking if porsche has made a habit of hooking up with men under the influence of drugs, essentially -- he doesn't expect porsche to say yes, but he still doesn't really like it when porsche says no.

this is because it retroactively makes kinn and porsche's first time That Much worse, almost. because it wasn't just kinn and porsche's first time sleeping together -- it was porsche's first time with a man full-stop. and that adds to the already sticky power differential in a very bad way.

Well. He’s already humiliated himself enough at this point. Might as well go all the way. “I liked it,” Porsche says. “If I didn’t, I might have had an easier time figuring out what I wanted to do with it. I—the drugs, I wouldn’t, again, but—everything else. I liked it.”

porsche has been so hesitant to admit this for so long, because he was scared that kinn would use his enjoyment of it against him. he was scared that enjoying it would somehow invalidate his feelings of hurt and violation at kinn's hands. he was scared that by admitting it he was sacrificing his right to be upset by it. he was scared that admitting he liked it might make kinn think it was okay to do it to him again.

and this moment, where he says that he liked it -- this is the moment that he realises that the pattern of behaviour that led to the diamond auction, the pattern of behaviour that made it worse -- i.e. kinn's inability to respect porsche's boundaries or consent, the casual way he exerts power over porsche in their interactions -- that pattern of behaviour is no longer a concern for porsche. he trusts kinn. he doesn't think kinn will use his enjoyment against him.

and i think kinn is very aware of what porsche is surrendering, or risking, by admitting this. he's aware that this is a huge vulnerability from porsche. which is why --

Kinn’s still looking at him like he’s fragile, which is—sweet, but not really what Porsche is after right now.

the last thing i wanted to mention is that this scene is a thematic reversal of their confrontation at the end of chapter three. at the end of chapter three, porsche rejects kinn's attempts to talk about their problems, and it's only after he's initiated a sexual encounter that he lets kinn talk to him about it. here, porsche uses his words before they have sex, and then forces the escalation into sex. growth.

#fic: between the sheets #asked and answered #sheets dvd commentary #if all of these asks are just ''what was kinn thinking here'' i'm going to fucking laugh #guys i know i starved you for his pov but there are clues in the narrative if you look #drugs cw #dub con cw #canon typical content warnings for kinnporsche apply

39 notes · View notes

daswarschonkaputt · 2 years

Note

“With the weight of water above him, everything feels muted…Chan looks at him. “Porsche,” he says.” I’d love to hear your writerly thoughts on this section, as offered in the Chapter 8 end note. Thank you so much for writing, I loved the fic!

ah i see we're starting this off with some of the heavier stuff from the fic hahaha. this is from chapter three, or as i like to call it, the porsche has a mental breakdown chapter. he really goes through it this one.

under the cut to avoid clogging up people's dashes:

it's actually interesting you chose this part of the fic, because i have a deleted bit from this section that i still have saved. originally, this section was going to start like this:

Before he met Kinn, Porsche didn’t spend much time at all swimming. He’d been taught how, as a kid – had even competed, for a brief period of time during middle school – but like so many things in his life, it had fallen to the wayside after his parents died. Taekwondo was useful. It let him defend himself, defend Chay – and it provided them with a meagre source of income, in the form of tournament winnings, and sports scholarships. Swimming – with its private pools and gym membership fees – felt like an indulgence.

i cut this, because as much as i love a good bit of kittisawasd backstory, it didn't really fit the mood of the section. porsche doesn't have the brainspace for that kind of instrospection, as we'll see later in the scene.

With the weight of water above him, everything feels muted.

if i remember correctly, i ended up workshopping the first few lines of this section quite a lot. often when i'm writing i have an idea in my head that i want to convey that i don't necessarily have words for yet. usually in these moments, i just sort of throw words at a blank doc until something about the way they hang together tells the story i want.

i have issues with sensory overload personally, so one of the things i wanted to get across with this scene is that porsche was just craving, like, silence on all fronts. and one of the big ways i personally accomplish that is with pressure, usually in the form of a weighted blanket. so i wanted to get across the idea that he was like, held down all around him and enjoying the quiet of submersion.

Beneath the surface, the memories of that night feel far away. The ghost of Kinn’s hands no longer burns his skin, so he no longer feels caught between the urge to claw it out of him and the urge to let it consume him. He doesn’t have to trap himself in those moments with Kinn, if only to stop himself from slipping further back, to the blurry memories of English nursery rhymes and invasive, unwanted touch.

so obviously, one of the points of canon divergence in the diamond auction in this fic is that kinn didn't get to porsche as quickly as in canon. and because of that, vegas got a little further with porsche. i wanted to touch on that a bit here, because porsche spends most of the chapter processing his violation at kinn's hands -- he almost doesn't have the brain space to handle having to attack his violation at the hands of a stranger, too.

i also thought it was important to draw a line between how porsche feels about what went down with kinn -- not great, but a lot of that has to do with the fact that he didn't hate it -- and how he feels about what went down before -- invasive, unwanted touch. he lingers on the memories with kinn, because he likes them better.

and then absolutely refuses to think about why that is.

this chapter was one of my favourites to write for the fic, in large part because porsche's feelings on the matter of his dub-con sex with kinn are not simple. he's confused by his own reaction to it, which is added to by his already existing feelings of being trapped and powerless. porsche feels very keenly the power differential between him and kinn at all points in this fic, and a large part of their relationship is about porsche trying to negotiate around that to build something he can live with.

anyway i can ramble about porsche's feelings this chapter for ages, so let's stop there and go on a bit.

There’s no guilt, because he knows he was unfair to Tae, has known it since the moment his self-righteous anger burned out and left him feeling empty and alone.

i thought it was important to spell out for my readers that porsche knows he's being unfair to tae when he throws tae's apology gift back in his face. porsche in canon very much tries to take people as they intend -- were he less fucked up by everything going on, porsche would have probably accepted tae's gift, or refused it more politely.

so he feels guilty, because he thinks he was a dick, and then he feels alone because he recognises that that was someone attempting to reach out to him, and he just ruthlessly threw them off. porsche has very few friends in the compound at this point -- and the list of people that know the full extent of his violation doesn't include any of them.

like i said. he has a rough run of it.

Even if his lungs scream, and his head throbs – he doesn’t want to break for air. He just wants it all to stop.

hello darkness my old friend.

obviously here, this is a brief little bit of suicidal ideation. this is touched on briefly with the hair dye scene in the chapter, earlier, when porsche strangles himself, but i think what i wanted to get across here is that porsche is really at his breaking point. there's so much shit in his brain and all his usual coping mechanisms (drinking and sex) are not available to him. so all that fucked up shit has to go somewhere, and it goes... well, yeah. here.

Something hooks under his arms, and yanks. Porsche’s eyes snap open to a flurry of bubbles and movement, and then he’s being hauled out of the water, up onto the rough tile surrounding the pool. His mouth opens on instinct, and he heaves in a breath of air, coughing and gasping as the smell of chlorine fills his lungs.

if i remember correctly i struggled a lot with how to interrupt porsche's underwater angsting with chan. one of my tricks when i hit stuff like this is to go fully into porsche's head and be like, okay, what does he see right now. because, obviously, what's happening is chan's hauling him out of the pool -- but porsche isn't going to know it's chan. so: something hooking under his arms, bubbles, breaking the surface, heaving in air.

you'll see this occasionally when i write fight scenes too. porsche being like, oh shit chay. that's me using this technique to write around difficult bits.

He pushes himself up onto his elbows, turning his head to see his rescuer. Oh. Oh shit.

oh you better run, porsche.

Chan is pulling himself out of the pool. He’s fully dressed – blazer, shirt, slacks, dress shoes – and soaking wet. He’s even still wearing his watch. He looks—well, he looks about the same way Porsche reckons anyone would look, after they had to fish their useless apprentice out of a pool whilst wearing business casual. He strips off his blazer and lets it drop to the ground with an audible smack. Chan looks at him. “Porsche,” he says.

i think i described this as chan having skyrim courier energy in my author's note. one of the things about my writing style is that i try to underpin the more serious parts of my fic with a little touch of humour, to try and break up the tension. here, i was sniggering to myself at the idea of porsche and chan, both of them soaking wet, after chan has just pulled porsche out of a pool he was basically trying to drown himself in -- and neither of them talking about it.

when i was outlining this fic into my friend's dms, i think i described this part of the scene as chan delivering his message with all the emotional investment of "are you paying too much for your car insurance?"

btw, don't think too hard abt the fact that chan didn't even take off his blazer before diving in to save porsche. don't think about the fact that he found porsche in the pool, waited for him to break the surface, and then realised porsche wasn't going to. don't think about the panic he must have felt, to keep his business shoes, watch, and blazer on in his hurry to get porsche out of the pool. don't.

also i think i've communicated this before, but that SLAP of chan throwing off his blazer? delicious. it lives in my brain. the huffy, pissed off slap of a wet blazer on tile.

a few more general bits from when i was writing this bit of the fic:

this scene was one of the last things i wrote for the chapter, and at this point i was basically frothing at the mouth to get to the kinn/porsche confrontation scene at the end (what do you want from me, porsche? -- that line had been rattling around in my head for literal DAYS at this point, and i desperately wanted to write it.)

i've mentioned this before, but this scene is one of a couple of ideas i had for porsche-breakdown-moments for this chapter. all of them fit a theme of porsche doing dangerous/reckless things. (i very almost had a repeat of the canon apple-shooting scene in this chapter, but instead it would have been porsche putting himself there, in front of that target, apple on his head, daring kinn to miss. this one got cut because i wanted to keep kinn and porsche apart, so that we could have the implication of kinn respecting porsche's need for space. this scene would have also taken place in front of tae and time, giving them all sorts of weird and concerning ideas about porsche and kinn's relationship.)

also as an aside, the big fandom drama happening when i was writing this chapter was the realisation that vegas plonked his still-trousered legs into the pool. so that was obviously on my mind as i wrote about porsche in the pool. still one of the most unhinged things to have happened in the show, and that's saying something.

#fic: between the sheets #asked and answered #sheets dvd commentary #suicidal ideation cw #dub con cw #canon typical content warnings for kinnporsche apply

35 notes · View notes