#can’t believe i willingly get humbled once a week by a man who’s 5’8

[icaruspendragon]

i’ve been truly gobsmacked one single time in my entire life and it was during a conversation i had with my therapist dalton about three months after i started seeing him. it went something like this:

dalton: you’d mentioned going to therapy multiple times before, what were those experiences like?

me: *tells him about experiences*

dalton: so all of your past therapists with the exception of one have been men, correct?

me: uh yeah, i guess so.

dalton: was that coincidence or do you prefer speaking with men?

me: i guess i just feel more comfortable talking to a man.

dalton: do you think there’s a reason?

me: i don’t know, i’ve never put much thought into it honestly.

dalton: based on what you’ve told me in prior sessions, do you think it has anything to do with your father being absent both emotionally and physically?

me: uh

dalton: the only reason i ask is because you say you’re indifferent to his indifference as he’s always been unreliable and you’re “used to it.” but do you realize when you’ve talked about your struggles with seeking external validation in wanting people to be proud of you, the people in question are almost exclusively older men who are some kind of authority figure to you? and based on what you’ve told me about your childhood, you didn’t really get the validation and connection you wanted from your father, which is part of why you seek it elsewhere. and while that makes sense, i want to make sure you understand it’s okay if him not doing what a father should do still hurts you, even if though you think it shouldn’t hurt anymore because you’ve been living with his disappointment for the past twenty or so years. it doesn’t matter how old a wound is, sometimes they still hurt.

me: uhh

dalton: anyway, back to my question. do you think it has anything to do with that or do you just feel more comfortable being vulnerable with men?

me: uhhh

dalton: take your time. you don’t have to have an answer right now. just something to maybe think about. now, let’s talk about the dead brother thing.

#therapy #dalton just started swinging one day and then never stopped #sometimes i wish he was worse at his job #anyway #can’t believe i willingly get humbled once a week by a man who’s 5’8