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joachimnapoleon · 4 years

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Meet the Bonapartes--Louis (2/4)

(Part 1 can be found here) (And here are links to Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 on Pauline)

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Napoleon's plan to marry Louis to Hortense was met with a marked lack of enthusiasm by both parties. Aside from having acquired a jaded view of women (possibly as a result of the affliction he suffered in Italy), Louis also happened to be in love with someone else. Prior to the wedding, he would write a twenty-page letter to Hortense containing what was essentially his life story, and in which he confessed his love for a woman named Sophie, describing her, and his feelings for her, in great detail. Hortense, meanwhile, had acquired a negative view of Louis, because of his behavior in an earlier failed love affair between him and one of her cousins. However, Hortense claims, she was willing to give Louis the benefit of the doubt, and dismiss "his conduct toward my cousin" as "merely thoughtlessness on his part." Her former mentor, Madame Campan, visited Hortense to speak in Louis's favor. Hortense was not entirely convinced. "Louis seems to me to be kindhearted and good," she conceded to Mme Campan, "but I do not like the disdain with which he pretends to look upon women and which often appears in his conversation."

[Hortense de Beauharnais]

But Napoleon was adamant about the match, seeing in it a strengthening not only of the ties between the Bonaparte and Beauharnais families, but also as a safeguard for a potential Bonaparte dynasty. "We may never have children," Napoleon told Josephine (according to Hortense's memoirs). "I brought Louis up myself; I look on him as a son. Your daughter is what you cherish most on earth. Their children shall be our children. We will adopt them, and this adoption will console us for not having any of our own." But Josephine, who had initially favored the idea, grew increasingly ill at ease over the marriage as the wedding approached. Hortense also claims that Louis's older brother Lucien poisoned Louis's mind against her, after his own request to marry her was shot down by Napoleon. "I do not know what he said," Hortense writes, "but Louis became uneasy." It was then that Louis wrote his twenty-page letter to her and "begged me in return to describe my past life to him in full. It would have been difficult for me to give him any striking facts on the subject and, when I returned his letter, in accordance with his request, I merely replied that for a long time my life had been known to him."

"If your popularity and society have not spoiled you," Louis replied, "you must be an angel. There can be no middle ground. You must be all good or all bad." Hortense took this as a compliment. "I could not suppose that, admitting the existence of the two alternatives, his opinion could be otherwise than favorable."

The marriage contract was signed on 3 January 1802 at the Tuilleries. Napoleon provided Hortense with a dowry of 250,000 francs, to which Josephine added another 100,000. The civil service took place the next day, and the nuptial blessings were held afterwards. After Cardinal Caprara had blessed the newlyweds, Joachim and Caroline Murat came forward, and requested to receive a nuptial blessing as well, as their marriage had taken place before the religious ceremony was reinstated. "This double ceremony left a disagreeable impression on me," writes Hortense. "The other couple were so happy. They were so much in love with one another.... I felt as though all the happiness lay on one side, all the unhappiness on the other."

The "honeymoon" period was almost nonexistent. Napoleon had flown into a rage at Louis over complaints Louis had made about the marriage not being announced publicly. The personalities of Louis and Hortense never quite managed to synchronize on any level. Louis found fault with Hortense over the most trivial things, and Hortense could barely disguise her increasing dislike for her husband--or the fear his unstable, unpredictable behavior had begun to instill in her.

My nerves gave way. Only tears brought relief. My husband, touched and affected by the sight of my grief, sought to console me, but the harm had been done. My only sentiment towards Louis became one of fear. I dared no longer smile or speak in his presence. It always seemed to me he was on the point of losing his temper.

Nevertheless, the couple's first child--Napoleon Charles Bonaparte--was born the 2nd of October, 1802. Another son, Napoleon-Louis Bonaparte, followed two Octobers later. The Pope himself officiated the ostentatious baptismal ceremony at Saint Cloud.

[Napoleon Charles Bonaparte, first child of Louis & Hortense]

Napoleon continued to show favor to Louis; but Louis occasionally had a different view of these "favors" than his older brother. He saw Napoleon's appointment of him as governor of the "Department beyond the Alps," which would have required his relocation to Turin, as a form of exile, and refused to leave for this new station until after Napoleon's coronation as King of Italy. When the time came, he pleaded ill health and did not accompany Napoleon to Milan for the ceremony. Suffering from acute rheumatism, he had temporarily lost the use of his right hand. By this point he was something of a hypochondriac, and often imagined his illnesses to be far worse than they actually were. His doctors recommended mud baths in St. Amand. Napoleon, still clinging to the idea of making a soldier of Louis, gave his brother command of a reserve corps in the Army of England which would enable him to set up his headquarters close to St. Amand to take the suggested cure. He departed with Hortense and their two children. The mud baths seemed to improve his health.

During the 1805 campaign, Louis remained in Paris as Grand Constable. To everyone's surprise, after his initial reluctance to take over the role of military governor, he displayed remarkable energy. He was not yet aware that Napoleon was in the early stages of preparing him a throne. But rumors soon spread that the Prussians were planning to invade France via the Netherlands. Napoleon ordered Louis to form the Army of the North, to defend the northern departments, as well as Antwerp and the Batavian territories. Louis arrived in Antwerp the day before the battle of Austerlitz; in spite of the war coming to a rapid end, he received orders from Napoleon, via Marshal Berthier, to stay put in Holland. He was also instructed to make sure the Dutch covered "all the pay and supplies of the Army of the North; it must also buy and supply you with all the artillery and transport horses you may need... the Army of the North is not to cost the Emperor anything."

Despite Napoleon's orders, Louis handed over command of his new army and headed back to France upon learning of the peace of Pressburg. Napoleon was not pleased by the unexpected meeting with his brother in Strasbourg. The Emperor finally confided to Louis his intentions of forming a kingdom in Holland, but did not yet go so far as to say that he intended Louis to rule it.

But Napoleon could see only two viable options for Holland: it must either be annexed to the Empire directly, or preserve its independence by accepting an imperial prince--Louis--as its king. The Dutch government were reluctant to forfeit their republic, but recognized that resistance to Napoleon was futile. They assented to the rule of Louis, with the understanding that no French officials would be appointed except in the king's personal household (Louis would break this promise soon enough), that freedom of worship would be maintained, and the current system of Dutch law left in place. Once these points were arranged, Louis was informed by Napoleon that he was to be King of Holland. Louis himself had little choice in the matter.

Louis was initially reluctant to take the throne, but soon warmed to the perceived advantages of being out of his domineering brother's direct grasp. Hortense, meanwhile, dreaded the idea, as well as the visible change in Louis's demeanor.

I admit that my husband's calm manner surprised me. I did not believe he was ambitious, yet I recognized that he was well pleased with what had occurred. Until then every change had been a source of annoyance to him. But now he enjoyed the idea of becoming his own master and, what was more, becoming my master at the same time. No longer would any social decorum, any sense of obligation restrain him from exercising his rights over me. Freed from the proximity of his brother he had no longer any cause to fear him.... For a moment I had the idea of flinging myself at the Emperor's feet, revealing all the torments I suffered with my husband, and begging permission not to be obliged to follow him into a foreign country where nothing would restrain those traits in his character, which I knew so well and dreaded so intensely.

The official Dutch "offer" of the throne was presented as representing nine-tenths of the populace. The formal proclamation of Louis as King of Holland took place at the Tuileries on 5 June 1806. He was solemnly reminded by Napoleon that he was still a French prince. In his response, Louis spoke of his pride in having worked to defend the Dutch people from invasion the year before, the honor he felt in being called to rule over them. He assured Napoleon that his people--he was now referring to the Dutch--would feel love and gratitude towards the Emperor and France.

[Louis Bonaparte]

Louis and Hortense left Paris a week later. The Dutch gave them a joyous reception as they made their way through the country, every small town vying to outdo the other. Hortense held a dismal view of it all. "The martial escorts, the honors, receptions and speeches only wearied me." At one point, she remarked darkly to Louis that the receptions were similar to those the French had held to celebrate the arrival of Marie Antoinette.

Though he had been thrust into the role against his will and accepted it with some reluctance, Louis was determined to be a good king to his subjects, and take care of their interests--which would inevitably put him at odds with Napoleon, just as it would for Murat in Naples years later. "From the moment I set foot on Dutch soil," the newly-crowned Louis declared to his legislature, "I became Dutch." "Which explained in a sentence," writes biographer Andrew Roberts, "the problem Napoleon was to have with him over the next four years."

***

Sources:

Atteridge, A. Hillard. Napoleon’s Brothers, 1909.

Broers, Michael. Napoleon: Soldier of Destiny. 2014.

Broers, Michael. Napoleon: Spirit of the Age. 2018.

De Beauharnais, Hortense. Memoirs of Queen Hortense, Vol I.

Masson, Frédéric. Napoleon et sa Famille, Vol I (1796-1802), 1907.

Roberts, Andrews. Napoleon: A Life. 2014.

#Meet the Bonapartes #Louis Bonaparte #Hortense de Beauharnais #Napoleon #Napoleon Bonaparte #history #19th century #Napoleonic

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doomedandstoned · 4 years

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THE DESERTFEST DIARIES: Destination Antwerp ‘19

~By Willem Verhappen~

Photographs by Stefanie Dörnbrack and Willem Verhappen

Day 1

The good beer, tasteful food and beautiful inner city, together with the fact that even though I live close to it, it makes me feel like I’m on vacation, make that Antwerp ranks high on my list of favorite cities. Every once in awhile my girlfriend and I like to spontaneously cross our southern border to go shopping (seriously, check out Chelsea Records if you're ever there) or watch a movie in their massive cinema complex. There is however one weekend when nothing can stop me from going to Antwerp and that's the weekend of Desertfest. For three days, Antwerp turns into the Mecca of all the music I -- and since you're reading this, probably you, too -- hold dear. So on the 18th of October I made my fourth pilgrimage to this epicenter of riffs.

My timing could hardly have been better, since my friends with whom I was going to share a hotel room for the next three nights showed up at pretty much the same time. After dropping our stuff at the hotel, we went downtown to meet up with some more friends and have a pizza and some beers.

With some proper groundwork laid, as we say in Dutch, it was time to head to the Trix, as the venue's called. There was some discussion as to whether it was faster to go by tram or subway, so we decided to turn it into a race. In the end, we still all ended up going by subway, since there didn't appear to be a tram going that way. I was told, however, that the subway was way quicker than the tram the guys took in previous years. That still counts as a victory in my eyes.

When we arrived at the venue, we were greeted by the sign shown at the top of this article. What a way to get your crowd hyped up for all the goodness that was to come.

The first band we got to see, was Monomyth. The band, featuring former Gorefest guitar player Boudewijn Bonebakker, plays an addictive mix of styles ranging from kraut- and space rock to more progressive and psychedelic exploits. The Dutch instrumental rockers might be reminiscent of acts like My Sleeping Karma, but with five people, there's never a boring moment.

After that first headbanging session, it was time for some more partying with desert rockers Nebula, where the title of their new album 'Holy Shit' sums up the experience quite well. This was followed by my first Duvel beer of the day and the Dutch '60s heavy psych inspired wolf pack named Temple Fang, both at the cafe. For a band that hasn't even released a single yet, they've got quite the following. Taking into account that two members used to be in the cult band Death Alley, gives some understanding as to why. Witnessing them live makes you a believer yourself.

As a music collector and lover of artwork, I decided to pay a visit to the merch area. I was very happy to see that my personal artwork favorites Branca Studio decided to take the car to bring some of their t-shirts to Desertfest. Now I finally have my very own "Doom life" shirt. Could my day get any better?

Of course it can! With some more cds and some less money in my pockets it was time to go to the main all for Truckfighters. When we walked through the door, one of my friends asked when the show had started. This was more than five minutes before the show actually started, but the hall was already crowded. This was the first time we had difficulties getting in before a band started playing, but it turned out to be only the first of multiple shows where this phenomenon occurred.

As you might know, Truckfighters was on a hiatus for a couple of years. Lucky for us, the Swedes have returned. I'm happy to say that the show hasn't really changed. You still get your high energy rock show lead by Ozo. Dango still runs through the crowd shirtless. There's still a different drummer than the last time you saw them. And of course, every place turns into absolute mayhem once they play Desert Cruiser. Honestly, the only thing that changed is Dango's beard. That's fine, but other than that, a Truckfighters show is perfect as it is.

Sadly, there wasn't much time to catch my breath, for after witnessing a bit of Beglian band 30,000 Monkies, Yatra was about to take the upstairs stage. I wasn't familiar with the Maryland doom crew, but someone (sorry, I don't remember who) recommended them to me. I cannot thank that person enough, for Yatra is by far my favorite discovery this Desertfest. It was the first doom band of the eveningThis trio spices up their low 'n' slow doom with a whiff of black metal dirt, just the way I like it.

Since I've never been much of a Zeal & Ardor fan, I decided to socialize and go looking for stories instead. That's when I ran into the Yatra gang, who were talking with Dango from Truckfighters. The latter mentioned to me that we can expect a solo record from his hand somewhere in the near future. Needless to say, this encounter needed to be documented, as shown in the picture above. Afterwards I decided to check out some Z&A, only to arrive when they started Devil is Fine. It was a good reminder of why I'm not a fan.

The first day ended with a banging show from Polish psych doomers Sunnata and a fun after party. I had to promise not to write about the after parties, even though I could write an entire article on just that. Let's just say that lots of fun and beer was had by all, up to the point where we were kicked out of the venue.

Day 2

Saturday started, not entirely unexpectedly, with a hangover. Usually I get over them pretty quick, but this one kept lingering on for quite some time. Not even the great sandwich I had, seemed to have any effect. The thing that eventually cured the hangover, was Bismut. The Desertfest website describes them as "instrumental psych desert metal", which is an apt description for these young Dutch hounds. We're treated to some heavy spaced out jams, mixed with some colorful shredding. Day two is a go!

The Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell put up one of my favorite shows this weekend. This is their second year in a row and third in total of playing here and if you've seen them live, you know why that is. The band are like the demented love child between MotÃ¶rhead and Hawkwind (like that would ever happen), blasting some dirty biker rock, but with some stoner groove in there. It's also the first band I witnessed on the Canyon stage that made full use of the video screen.

Not every band can be a winner and if there's a loser this weekend, it's Fireball Ministry. Personally, I really enjoyed their distinct brand of desert rock, featuring vocals from both guitarists James A. Rota II and Emily Burton. The only point of critique is that Emily should stick to background vocals.

Even though the band gave their everything, they we're playing to a half filled hall at most, with many people leaving after a song or two with some just taking a couple of pictures. These pictures were of course from former Kyuss bass player Scott Reeder. This behaviour made the band look more like a freak show than anything else, which is too bad, since Fireball Ministry deserves better.

The Desert stage is far more crowded for Church of Misery. I can't say I'm surprised, since the Japanese quartet knows how to deliver a solid slab of old school doom metal. For 50 minutes, the band proved to know exactly how to keep heads banging in unison.

Following Church of Misery, I decided it was time to give the muscles in my neck some rest. And what better place to do that than in the food and relax area. This is like the school yard where all the cool kids hang out, drink beer and smoke, but mixed with a food truck festival. I'm usually not big on festival food, but the food here is certainly an exception. From homemade fries and vegan burgers to Mexican and tribal food, there's something here for everyone. It's a great place to just sit down, eat and talk to random people.

This moment of peace was very much needed ahead of Bongripper. This was one of the most crowded shows of the festival. The band created a most impressive wall of sound, or should I say wall of noise, during their show. Although the show was very impressive, I'm still surprised by how insanely crowded it was.

After the intense show from the Chicago doom crew, desert rockers Steak are a welcome change of scenery. They might be from London, but these guys sound like they came straight from the California desert, although with some Pink Floyd thrown into the mix. I was very charmed by their sound, since it sounds familiar, but with a British twist. Highly enjoyable.

At the Desert stage, we remain in the instrumental musical spectrum with Pelican. This was one of the shows I looked forward to the most. The post-metal from these Americans manages to find that sweet spot between heavy dark riffs and a touch of light. The hour of playtime was over way too soon.

The other band I was really looking forward to, was Dopelord. I'm not sure what's happening in Poland that's causing the rise of so many good old school doom bands, as proven by Dopelord's recent excellent 4-way split with Weedpecker, Major Kong and Spaceslug, but it's clear these guys are leading the revolution. This show had everything I love: great songs, heavy riffs, exploitation cinema on the background and rowdy crowd. There even was a new song, called 'Hail Satan' and some moshing during the epic 'Reptile Sun'.

On my way to Ty Segall & The Freedom Band, I heard some music coming from the Vulture stage that caught my attention. Crowhurst was supposed to be performing here, but they had to cancel last minute. Their replacement were the Antwerp locals Your Highness.

Earlier that day, I was told they were a doom band and that I would like them. That turned out to be very true. The band plays traditional doom metal, but with a hardcore ferocity. I clearly wasn't the only one who enjoyed their show, judging by some of the most intense mosh pits I'd seen all weekend. I was so entertained that, for the first time in four years, I missed a Desertfest headliner. Not that I mind, these guys are worth it.

There's no rest for the wicked and Inter Arma made sure of that. The death/black.sludge doom band pretty much set the Canyon stage ablaze. It was past midnight but that was no excuse to take it slow. Vocalist Mike Paparo was running the stage like a ravenous beast. The band was a great warm-up for yet another night of mad partying.

Day 3

Usually the last day of a festival is somewhat of a cooling down. Festival days are long days and involve lots of walking and a lot of things to take in, resulting in you being exhausted, both physically and mentally. For this Desertfest, being tired was not an option, since the lineup is nothing but spectacular. Luckily for me, I woke up relatively fresh. I still don't know how I pulled that off, but I'm not complaining.

Since not everyone was as awake as I was, the first band we got to see was Wolvennest. I've seen the band perform many times in the past four years or so and I've yet to grow tired of their music. Their excellent mix of black metal, doom, psychedelic and krautrock still entrances me every show. And every show, they seem to get better. At least it helped me clear my mind in preparation for the rest of the day.

Wolvennest may have brought me to a higher plain, but after that it's a slap back to reality, courtesy of The Progerians. Their sludge mimics their hometown of Brussels. It's dark and nasty, but with just enough melody to make it appeal to the masses. This makes it a good warming up for the impressive set from Lord Dying, although they look towards more progressive and psychedelic horizons.

Monkey3 is one of those bands that always manage to deliver. Their instrumental space rock usually attracts quite the crowd and that was no different here. Sadly, nature called, resulting in me not being able to get back to the Desert stage. On the other hand, I did get to see High Reeper. These guys manage to play an energetic, balanced mix of stoner rock and Sabbath-y doom metal. A perfect blend of old school and new school.

The NOLA sludge kickers of Eyehategod are on a roll today. The band is clearly in a good mood and frontman Mike IX Williams is playing the crowd like a fiddle. The crowd, on their turn, is eating the slow, nasty blues raw. This was without a doubt my favorite show of the day.

After EHG I'm in doubt, stay where I am and be assured of a good spot for tonight's headliner, or go and see Un. I decide on the latter, even though many people seem to be saving their spots. I don't regret it though, since the Seattle band delivers some beautiful, heavy funeral doom. Especially fellow Seattle natives Bell Witch come to mind while riding Un's emotional roller coaster.

When I got back to the Desert stage, some 20 minutes before showtime, I was happy to see that it wasn't as crowded as I'd expected. I managed to get a nice spot in the center of the hall before the countdown started for the band all of Desertfest was clearly waiting for.

At a quarter to 11, the famous audio recording leading up to the moon landing started playing. What happened next felt like a ritual. Joints were lit across the audience, with some also being passed along through the crowd. People moved towards the stage like Muslims to the Ka'aba.

At 11, the almighty Sleep took the stage. Even though it was my fourth time seeing them in 15 months, the band still manages to impress me. All through the weekend, bands have been projecting everything from band logos to movies on the backdrop, but not Sleep.

Sleep doesn't need a backdrop. Nor a dynamic light show, for that matter. Sleep is all about the music. And the music is all that matters. Witnessing a Sleep show is like witnessing a voodoo ritual. The band's goal is to get you in a trance, to get you to follow the smoke to the riff filled land. For 75 minutes the music is all that matters.

Black Pyramid holds the thankless honour to close off the festival after Sleep. Their psychedelic brand of metal sounds good, but honestly, Sleep is still stuck in my head. Judging from the size of the crowd, many people have decided to head home early, but not us. We stayed until the bitter end.

On monday morning, to my great joy, the headache remained absent and I was feeling relatively fresh. I was looking forward to my own shower and couch, not necessarily in that order, so I was packed and ready to go in no time. My friends had some more difficulties to get their motor running, so we ended up getting brunch at one of the countless Panos sandwich bars in the city. Of course, we ran into some familiar faces there. Going over the weekend, we could all agree it was a festival with many highlights and next to no low points. Another one for the books. Why can't all festivals be like Desertfest? I'm not being melancholic, I'm seriously asking.

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harrysdimples · 6 years

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introducing band banter

I’m going to compile every single cute little moment between chasm when harry introduces them just before the chain, and this will be updated as each show goes on!

adam

- “he’s changed his shoes! he got a blister! He always gives one hundred and ten percent every single night, that’s what he does!” - oberhausen

- “can I see your socks for a second? his socks match his suuuuuit, look at that!....it’s all in the details” - hamburg

- “mr adam [boxing ring announcer voice] PRENDERGAAAAAAAST” - barcelona & madrid

- “[thumbs up to adam] [they begin to play air ping pong and adam loses] he’s not very good at ping pong” - madrid

- “please make some noise for mr adam ‘DADDY’ prendergast!” [his children were in the audience] - birmingham

- “and NOT from glasgow, mr adam prendergast!” - glasgow

- “[points to a member of the audience] you’re here for him! [points to himself] i’m here for him, mr adam prendergast!” - dublin

- the entirety of the chain in rio where adam and harry made fun of each other - rio

- “and on bass and vocals, [adam bends down to fix a wire].....and on the floor? mr adam prendergast!” - boston

clare

- “wearing a wonderful pair of boots! miss clare uchima!” - amsterdam

- “have you still got the security tag on there? [clare nods] she still has the security tag on her dress, so if the police are looking for anyone, it’s my keys player!.....[to all of chasm] does anybody else have a security tag on their clothes? no? [to audience] anybody in the audience got any security tags on their clothes? no? [points at clare] just you then! okay” - antwerp

-“I would like to introduce you to my wonderful band, first of all. FROM GLASGOW [crowd cheers] I SAID SHES FROM! GLASGOW! [crowd goes insane] please put your hands together, make some noise for miss CLARE UCHIIIIIIIIMAAAAAAAAAA” - glasgow

- harry: “And last but not least, from osaka, on keys and vocals, MS CLARE UCHIMA! [hands clare the microphone]

- clare: hi! I was born in the kansai region [where the show was taking place] and lived there for 15 years! but it is my first time having a concert in Osaka and at this arena! [comes down from the platform and stands beside mitch] let me talk with my other band members. Hi Mitch! When I first met him, he looked a bit scary to me and I didn’t know how to communicate with him, but actually although he has an intimidating face, he’s a really soft-hearted, funny, and kind person. Haha! Mitch and Harry are best friends, what kind of person do you think harry is, mitch?

mitch: [slowly] a monster

harry: [cracking up with laughter watching them and making jokes with adam]

clare: you shouldn’t say that! I think he ate too many okonomiyaki pancakes in Osaka yesterday, his japanese is incorrect. Are you sure mitch?

mitch: help me

clare: oh well there might be something wrong with him, he’s gone crazy! [walks over to adam and harry] Now Adam is a dad so he’s a very reliable person. did you see his kids? they’re very cute, aren’t they? he’s a really good dad you know. his family are very lovely. Adam, are you having a great time with harry on this tour?

adam: [joking] not at all, not one bit

clare: seriously?

adam: I’m serious

harry: [laughs and throws a flag at adam and then throws a towel at mitch] [adam throws the flag back at harry] [harry comes up behind clare and hugs her from behind to try and get the mic back but fails]

clare: [walks over to sarah’s stage] Thanks dad! Hi Sarah! I can’t get up! She’s amazing on those drums, don’t you think everyone? She bangs on those drums but when she is not onstage she is a very sweet, generous and elegant person, how are you doing sarah?

sarah: I’m hungry

clare: yeah i’ll tell you guys a secret, we haven’t eaten anything for a few days because harry kicks us in jail and locks in our rooms when we’re not on stage!

harry: [steals the mic back as clare runs away] after she stole the spotlight, I’m feeling quite down. Thank you, Clare. Good 20 minutes now. Thanks. It was good. - kobe, osaka

- “please give it up for the wonderful miss clare uchima! [american valley voice and praising action] YAAAAS” - florida

sarah

- “the one you’re all here for, miss sarah jones!” - amsterdam

- “please make some amount of noise, put your hands together for the wonderful miss [spanish accent] jonés!” - madrid

- “on drums and vocals, please make some noise for mr-miss, MISS Sarah Jones, not MR [to clare and mitch who are laughing at him] shut up!” - bologna

- “on drums and vocals.... [holds up wig thrown on stage] [to sarah] is this yours?.....miss sarah jones!” - manchester

- “the only reason I am here, for miss sarah jones! [looks over to mitch] [teasing voice] you okay?” - dublin

- “please put your hands together for mrs-MISS SARAH JONES! [looks to mitch] [imitates the opening chords of the chain and laughs at him] [mitch strums then stops abruptly] [harry scoffs and looks down at his shoes] last but not least, on guitar and vocals, please put your hands together for mr mitchell rowland!” - brisbane

- harry introducing the entire band in spanish - mexico city

mitch

-”please make some noise for my baby, mitch rowland!” - oslo

- “[mitch strums and messes about with his guitar when harry introduces clare] down!..........and misbehaving on guitar and vocals, please make some noise for mr mitchell rowland.” - hamburg

“please stay death silent for mr mitchell rowland” - munich

- “AND.........[looks mitch up and down].....this man, mr mitchell rowland!” - barcelona

-”please make some noise for ORNELLA!” - milan, italy

^ for context (not at chasm but still hilarious and will go down in fandom hisory):

“What’s your name? Hotela? Nutella? Odela? All of you are saying the same thing! There’s twenty-four of you going ‘Odela! Odela! No, no! Odela, Odela!’ Which one is it? Odela… [fans yell] Ornella! Well, get a name that’s easier to get! Sarah! Easy! Odela, Odela, Odela. Ornella, Ornella, Ornella. How many of you are called Ornella? One! There’s one! …You, my friend, are unique. As are each and every one of you in here tonight. Every single one of you are called Ornella in my eyes. We’re all Ornellas! I’m Ornella, he’s Ornella, she’s Ornella! One, two, three, Ornella! I’m never going to say that name again. No use for it… [Ornella: I love you!] Thank you, Ornella. We’ve had just about enough from you.” - milan

- “and on guitar and vocals please make some noise for MRS Mitchell Rowland!” - bologna

-”[after harry catches a haribo in his mouth] hello mitch! I’ve never seen Mitch move from his spot ever before. The minute there’s some gelatin sweets on the floor he’s like [imitates mitch trying to kick them off the stage]! - london 2

-"On guitar and vocals, my confidante, Mr Mitchell Rowland!" - dublin

- “[Mitch] is not drinking out of a shoe, he’s at work! Ok, I’ll ask him. Mitch, would you like to drink out of a shoe? No, ha! Let me tell you when Mitchell Rowland doesn’t wanna do something there’s no chance!” - brisbane

- “for mr mitchell.......................[dramtic pause while staring at mitch and fans are screaming]...........rowland” - santiago

-”and last but not least, [points to a member of the audience holding a sign that said ‘I’m only here for mitch] I know you’re gonna make plenty of noise! on guitar and vocals, mr mitchell rowland!” - são paulo

“and last but not least, on guitar and vocals, with a brand new texas hat, please make some noise for mr. mitchell rowland!” - dallas & houston

- “and on guitar and vocals [mimics tipping cowboy hat] nice hat! mr mitchell rowland!” - atlanta

- “let me tell you about Tammy and Mark Rowland [mitch’s parents]. One time in 1988, they had sex. They had some intimacy.. and so then, one of my best friends was born. And you should all love him like I love him.” - indianapolis

#harry styles #chasm #my family #lists

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silverhands-etcetera · 5 years

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Down The Wrong Road.

The first time I came to Europe with the Joy Mills Band, we had a gig at Lenno’s place. -Ok, it’s not actually called “Lenno’s Place”, it has a longish Dutch name that I can’t come close to pronouncing. The first letter of the name is an apostrophe.

Up on a little corner of Zeeland, which is a piece of land above the Belgian border, but still technically Netherlands, there’s a community called Ossenisse. A tiny little town with maybe five streets, a church and graveyard, and one bar/restaurant (or “eetkafe”). You pull off of the four-lane highway and drive until the pavement gets approximately one car wide, and all of the roads are just raised dikes around flat pastures & fields of sugar beets. Keep driving further out past anything that looks like a place of business, and soon you’ll see a modest church tower & a cluster of houses sitting alone a few miles away. That’s your destination.

Since first coming here with Joy, I don’t think I’ve done a tour that hasn’t stopped in Ossenisse. Lenno is another one of these gems you meet out on the road. He retired from a career in professional audio and opened his own place. He’s got instruments hanging from the ceiling in the bar & posters of old shows on the walls, -the 2016 Silverhands tour poster is featured prominently in the dining room, right next to a DelVox poster. At this point I’m pretty familiar with the room, we even slept on the stage once after a show.

A shelf above the bar displays an array of specifically different Belgian beers, which Aimee started down the line toward sampling, but I stuck to the tap, which pours the best beer I have ever found, the Bavik Super Pils. I’m not a beer nerd, it’s not like I was pining for my next encounter with the stuff, but when I saw that familiar tap, I admit I went slightly aflutter. There is truth to the idea that experiencing food & drink in the place where they were made is always a more balanced and accurate picture of what the intention was in making it. The air is different here, the water and the minerals in it are specific to each place. Just like fino sherry tastes better when consumed near the salty air of the Atlantic, drinking a Bavik from the tap in the low ground of Zeeland hits you just right, and seconds after Lenno hands you the glass, all of the tension of the day’s drive washes off of you. It’s good to be back.

It’s an early show, like a Sunday matinee. We go on at 3 and play until suppertime at 6. To get to the gig on time we had to wake up early (for us) and waste no time on the highway. But load-in is easy -the stage is packed with a backline of cool gear you actually want to use, so most of our own gear can stay in the van, and Lenno gets you set up & sounding great with the calm demeanor of somebody who has seen it all a million times. He’s got a bass amp that I have seen nowhere else in the world, a combo with four 12” speakers -basically the exact configuration that usually sounds like its design was an afterthought to a guitar player’s idea of what bass is, but the tone was rich like gravy, without smothering the rest of the band. There’s also a sparkling red Kustom tuck & roll guitar amp that was too cool to not play. Sherri plugged in, and it sat sideways in front of me on the huge stage. Aimee was up on a riser to my left on a full Pearl kit with a huge 24” kick drum. Michael was across the way, with his amp facing back towards us.

—

I love the scene here. The sun is breaking through rain clouds outside, and shining in through the windows, filling the room with wet, almost-rainbow light. This little town of maybe twenty houses has somehow produced an audience that fills every chair in the dining room. The good people of Ossenisse sit at square cafe tables enjoying coffee or tea, and perhaps a pastry, and Del Vox is on stage, rocking the house.

The care that Lenno has put into the place is obvious, and somehow he has engineered a listening room where a fairly aggressive rock band can play to the top of our range of energy, without being the slightest bit offensive to the room. It’s a feeling like we are on a movie screen or something, except we get to break the fourth wall after every song.

By the end of the set, I had dialed in the ancient bass amp. I was digging the nuance it was reproducing, trying to take in and set to memory as much as possible of what I knew to be a rare & fleeting sensation. I was never able to put my finger on what the amp was doing, frequency-wise, that was making it push in the places that I needed it to. I’m sure at least half of it was situational to the room -much like the beer, this amp in any other place wouldn’t contain the same mix of magic as it does standing right here.

—

I was obviously tripping out a bit by the end of the set, due to all the sonic mysticism going on, but also because I hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

After the gigs here, Lenno puts a row of pub tables together in the bar, forming a long, family-style dining table. The band gets to stay for supper, and supper is relentless & beautiful. Plates of different fishes, bowls of stew, frites, salad, all of the things. You’re hungry from the long gig, but it’s also the best food you’ve ever tasted. Every time I’ve played here I have been amazed and absolutely fulfilled by the array of offerings brought to us. The communal experience of eating with the audience & Lenno is a perfect punctuation to a great gig.

—

We packed up our gear and paid our respects to the staff (two sixteen-year-old kids had been pouring beers for us all night), & we got in the van and headed out of town to the single-wide trailer home that Lenno kindly keeps for traveling bands needing a place to crash.

We carried in our luggage & what’s left of the grocery store beer & the $6 “Old House” brand scotch whiskey. The little place is super cozy, and we’re all glowing from the evening & the string of great shows we’ve had. -The drinks we’re stuck with at this point is a bit of a let-down from where we were at the bar, but we get by.

We started out with a euchre game, but as our ranks thinned out, we evolved into hands of Gin, between Aimee & I until roughly 3am. Somewhere along the evening, we discovered, quite accidentally, that when the skunky grocery store beer was cut with the basically undrinkable $6 whiskey, it made them both significantly more tolerable. This particular cocktail of Old House scotch & Falkenfelser Bier was christened the “Buttermaker” -in the second Walter Matthau reference in this story to date.

—

In the morning, the rain had cleared, but the sun was still in and out of the clouds. The sky was dramatic, and Aimee & Sherri & I made the perhaps two mile trek back to town on foot. Horses, cows, giant piles of sugar beets, one wrong turn. It’s good to walk.

We gave Lenno his keys & he set us up with two rounds of coffees. I’ll be back in two weeks for the final show of the Silverhands tour. We’re heading up to Antwerp for a day of rest. It’s been a great week of shows, only one more left for Del Vox and we’ll make the switch. I actually wish I could just keep doing what we’re doing for the rest of the month. We’re getting pretty good at it.

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thewidowstanton · 7 years

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Christopher Thomas, Cyr wheel artist, Simple Cypher, Young Stage International Circus Festival

Cyr wheel artist Christopher Thomas graduated from the National Centre for Circus Arts in London in 2016. While training there he took two years out to perform at Ferrari World in Abu Dhabi and in Baía dos Piratas in Portugal. As part of his degree he appeared with leading Australian circus troupe Circa in Depart at Tower Hamlets Cemetery Park during the LIFT Festival. Christopher set up the Cyr/hip hop company Simple Cypher with fellow graduate Kieran Warner, having been runners up for the Deutsche Bank Award for Creative Enterprise and winners of the National Centre of Circus Arts Business Plan Award.

In 2016, Simple Cypher took part in Breakin' Convention at Sadler's Wells and this year they appeared in the Resolution season at The Place and headlined at Move It. Having been unable to accept the offer of competing at the European Youth Circus Festival in Wiesbaden in 2016 because of other committments, Christopher will now be taking part at the 9th International Circus Festival Young Stage in Basel from 12-16 May 2017. He chats to Liz Arratoon about his route to success and explains how he has never let being epilepetic hold him back.

The Widow Stanton: Is there any showbusiness in your family? Christopher Thomas: No, but my six-year-old niece, Meeka, has been inspired by me. She's training at a gymnastics club and I hope to guide her into the circus life.

How did you start out? I took GCSE dance for a bit of a joke… because it was easy. There was never ever a plan with it, it was just something I grew into. I got into hip hop dance and trained at the Youth Dance Academy Urban. The urban course was a new platform based in Swindon, where I'm from. There was a six-week introductory course and then the next year it got set up as a full course and we'd go in on weekends, like, Sundays, and during school holidays. Their job was to get young people into further education and into hip hop dance. That's where I met Kieran. We went back and performed there not too long ago. It was people who've moved on in their careers going back.

How did you get from hip hop dancer to the NCCA? I spent some time training at ballet and contemporary school but I didn't feel there was a future there for me. It was fun at the beginning but it wasn't me; it wasn't the same vibe. Circus school was recommended to me by Youth Dance Academy Urban and by my teacher at college. At first I had that stereotype image of what circus was: jugglers, clowns, lions and all that but I came up to London to an open day, to have a look and that's when my mind was really opened towards it. I saw Billy George training on the Cyr wheel and as soon as I did I was like, 'I want to be a part of that'.

Did you and Kieran go together? We didn't. I was the first member of the Dance Academy to come up to circus school. After my second year I had two years out and I worked in Abu Dhabi for a year and then in Portugal in the pirate show, Baía dos Piratas. During those two years, Kieran came up to the NCCA and when I returned we were in the same year.

How hard was Cyr to learn? I thought it was going to be a lot easier than I anticipated. There's so much more to just the skills; like learning how to combat the dizziness, your hands blistering, your spatial awareness. The most important thing was learning how to bail safely enough, like, the wheel can throw you out a lot of the time, so for me learning how to bail was one of the most important things.

What is the hardest thing you do? [Laughs] I'd say probably holding down a routine. [Laughs] I improvise a lot. A lot of my best material comes from that; even when I trained as a hip hop dancer I'd be pushed to the back of the routines and then be out front when it came to throwing down a free style. When I came back to the third year at school that was when I was really focused on creating my final-year devised piece, really focused on setting material instead of just relying on improvising and having fun.

Are any of your moves unique to you? Yes. Probably one of my signature skills; I call it Dolphin Dives. Other people are trying it but I think they're missing a step. It came when I was at school from never being able to land a backflip. It would always be around the side. And one day I really went over my head and my foot connected on to the outside of the wheel and I was like, 'That was really good. I'll just keep going with that', and that developed into being able to take a hand off and being able to hold my weight upside down on the foot. There are a lot of variations that have developed from that, like playing around with hooking my feet on the outside of the wheel.

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When I think of how Cyr wheel skills have moved on from the early days, it's gone crazy. It's good to be a part of that. Wanting to be a part of specialising the wheel has helped me. Coming from a hip hop background it's frowned upon to copy other people's moves, we call it 'biting' and that's stuck with me throughout my circus training; I always try to be original with my skills or least make my own variations on tricks.

What did you do at Ferrari World? It's a theme park with a resident 35-minute circus show. I was part of that cast. I used to do the pre-show, coming out to do a clown/juggling number, then I'd perform a Cyr wheel routine and on Sundays I got to come out for the finale driving an electric Ferrari, so that was fun. It was funny because my mum could never remember the name of Cyr wheel. When I got the job at Ferrari World she was saying 'steering wheel' instead of Cyr wheel, and I was like, 'Mum, have you been telling people I'm doing 'steering wheel' in Ferrari World?'. [Laughs]

How did The NCCA prize help you? We got £10,000 from the NCCA and £1,000 as runners-up in the Deutsche Bank award. When we did the Deutsche Bank interview we thought we were really on point. We thought we'd got it. We were so close… but then getting the NCCA couldn't have been better. It helped us set up the company and really gave us the confidence of ‘This is not just a plan, it is going ahead'.

And someone thinks you're really good… It's a weight off your shoulders and it gave us a lot more belief that it was actually happening and becoming reality. We've been very fortunate so far. We got a lot of support from different places, like Jacksons Lane… Swindon Dance has given us space, so right now we're doing very well in terms of our budget. We are being supported by various organisations.

What do you like about working with Kieran? I think having a relationship from our dance career and coming into circus together, we're both able to combine those two things and work well together. Since I've got more into circus, I did fizzle out of hip hop dancing, but Kieran's definitely remained at the frontline of hip hop, going to the battles, judging, competing, teaching, so we complement each other.

You've done amazing things: Breakin' Convention, Resolution and Move It… Yes, that was great. We did four and half minutes, which was very short compared to Resolution, which was 20 minutes. Move It was the first big dance thing I ever saw when I was getting into dance.

How have you handled being epileptic? I know when I'm going to have a seizure and I've never had one while I'm performing.

What would you say to others in your position? This is something important to me. I have epilepsy. It was a difficult thing to talk about but as I've matured it's become a lot easier. I've become a lot more open about it and it's made it a lot easier to manage. It is there but it hasn't in any way prohibited me from having a successful career in circus. It has made it difficult with some employers and I understand their fears. It does bring a risk to the company but my thoughts are that circus wouldn't be what it is without risk. There's more chance of a performer breaking their leg onstage than of me having a seizure. Fortunately I have warning signs in advance and I only have two to three a year.

With communication and understanding it is completely manageable. I've been involved with Young Epilepsy, a charity promoting awareness of epilepsy and I think there's still a need for awareness. In the UK there are more than 600,000 living with the condition; there are 40 different types. When I say I have epilepsy and I'm a performer, I always get the same question about whether flashing lights affect me. But photogenic epilepsy only affects a minute number of people with epilepsy.

What are you doing at Young Stage? Time's ticking down… I'm showing my degree piece that I developed from having epilepsy. It was my inspiration point. I'm excited to be performing it again. It had been a year since I performed it but recently I did it at the Extreme Convention in Antwerp.

Do you hope to achieve anything in parricular by being there? I'm really enjoying performing at festivals and my main goal is just to continue doing that.

Have you had a career highlight so far? I appreciate the smaller things, you know. It's the story behind a stage or a company that makes it special. Working with the pirate show in Portugal, Moliére Productions, it was a very small thing, which grew massively. The couple running it were given this opportunity and went out and found a group of parkour freerunners and were like: "We're gonna give you a job, we're gonna make a show." It was just an idea that blossomed. I loved performing in Rotterdam at Open Stage because of the story behind it; a group of like-minded people had this amazing space and decided to use it, like, beg, borrow everything to make it happen, then it grows.

What are your ambitions for the company? I'd like Simple Cypher to grow into a full show, which is bigger than just me and Kieran. We'd like to create a platform for dancers from Urban to come to. It's nice seeing students following in our steps. There's Pete [Shirley], who's in his final year at the NCCA now – he came from Dance Academy Urban as well – so we're trying to start something small that will grow.

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Christopher Thomas takes part in the Young Stage International Circus Festival in Basel from 12-16 May 2017. Simple Cypher is hosting Cypher Stories, a hip hop and circus-themed evening, at Jacksons Lane in London on 21 July 2017.

Picture credits: Mark Morreau; Wes Ryan

Twitter: @SimpleCypher @YoungStageBasel @youngepilepsy @National_Circus

Follow @TheWidowStanton on Twitter

Read about straps artist Lj Marles, who is also taking part at Young Stage

#christopher thomas #Cyr wheel #simple cypher #hip hop #keiran warner #Young Stage Basel #interview #lj marles #NCCA

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relationshipadviser-blog · 5 years

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Esther Perel: 'Fix the sex and your relationship will transform'

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/must-see/esther-perel-fix-the-sex-and-your-relationship-will-transform/

Esther Perel: 'Fix the sex and your relationship will transform'

Esther Perels breathtakingly frank therapy podcasts Where should we begin not only make for juicy listening, theyve revitalised the stale private lives of millions. Miranda Sawyer listens to the psychotherapist

Passion has always existed, says Esther Perel. People have known love forever, but it never existed in the context of the same relationship where you have to have a family and obligations. And reconciling security and adventure, or love and desire, or connection and separateness, is not something you solve with Victorias Secret. And there is no Victors Secret. This is a more complicated existential dilemma. Reconciling the erotic and the domestic is not a problem that you solve. It is a paradox that you manage.

Ooh, Perel is a great lunch date. All psychotherapists are, in my experience, but shes particularly interesting. Sex, relationships, children; she covers them all in the two hours we spend together. But also collective trauma, migration, otherness, freedom all the good stuff.

Perel is a practising couples and family therapist who lives in New York. Aside from her clinical work she counsels around 12 couples or individuals each week she has two best-selling books: one about maintaining desire in long-term relationships (Mating in Captivity), the other about infidelity (The State of Affairs). She has released two fascinating podcast series, called Where Should We Begin?, where listeners get to listen in on real-life couples having therapy with her. The podcast is where I first came across her its won a British Podcast Award, a Gracie Award in the States and was named as the Number One podcast by GQ.

On top of all this, she hosts workshops and lectures as well as the inevitable TED talks, one of which has been watched more than 5m times. I went to one of her London appearances earlier this year. Alain de Botton was the host and he introduced Perel with quite some hyperbole, calling her one of the greatest people alive on Earth right now. (Perel dismissed this afterwards, though she likes de Botton: He put me on such a platter.)

Esther Perel sometimes sings to her clients; she tells them off quite a lot, especially if they think sex should come naturally. Photograph: Jean Goldsmith for the Observer

The reason for Perels popularity is her clear eye on modern relationships. She says, rightly, that we expect much more from our marriages and long-term relationships than we used to. For centuries, marriage was framed within duty, rather than love. But now, love is the bedrock. We have a service model of relationships, she says to me. Its the quality of the experience that matters. She has a great turn of phrase: The survival of the family depends on the happiness of the couple. Divorce happens now not because we are unhappy, but because we could be happier. We will have many relationships over the course of our lives. Some of us will have them with the same person.

For a while, Perel wasnt taken particularly seriously by the therapist community: she tells me that when Mating in Captivity came out in 2006, it was only the sexologists that thought it was great. This is because her thinking went against long-established relationship wisdom, namely that if you fix the relationship through talking therapy, then the sex will fix itself. Perel does not agree. She says that, yes, this might work, but I worked with so many couples that improved dramatically in the kitchen, and it did nothing for the bedroom. But if you fix the sex, the relationship transforms.

We meet in a boutique hotel in Amsterdam, where Perel orders her food in fluent Dutch. She has a light Belgian accent (she says boat for both), and she wears some delicate gold jewellery, a bit like the Indian hath panja, on her right hand. (Both of these seem to excite American journalists, along with Perels good looks. A relationship therapist who you might fancy, shocker!)

We begin talking about her podcast series. Its an astonishing listen, partly because you get to earwig other peoples problems (always great) and partly because Esthers methods are so flexible: in the first series she got one young woman to wear a blindfold while her partner inhabited a more assertive sexual character, which he did by speaking in French. She sometimes sings to her clients; she tells them off quite a lot, especially if they think sex should come naturally: Who the hell told you that BS?

Series three, released next month, is slightly different to the last two. This time round Perel very deliberately chooses couples at different stages, because she wants to show an arc of a relationship, all the way to its end. Also, she says, I wanted to bring in the way that relationships exist in a larger, social, cultural, context. That context often gives a script about how one should think about suicide, about gender, about divorce and so forth. So we hear from a young couple coping with enforced distance in their relationship: one is US-born and the other is Mexican, without a US visa. Another is a mother and her child, who does not identify as either gender. Another couple, with a young child, have divorced, but seem to get along much better now: why?

Perel finds her podcast therapees via her Facebook page: they apply in their thousands. Her podcast producers sift through, using guidelines that Perel suggests them: this time round she knew she wanted to cover infertility and also suicide. Then theres a lengthy pre-recording interview process where its explained to the couples that, yes, this really is going on air and, yes, they might be recognised (from their voices; theyre anonymous otherwise). Are you OK in understanding that your story will become a collective story? You will be giving so much to others, as well. Its not just for you, actually. And then they have a one-off session with Perel for three to four hours, edited down to around 45 minutes for the podcast.

She loves the format. The intimacy of it, the private listening of it, the fact that you dont see them, thus you see yourself. You hear them but you see you. It reflects you in the mirror. But also, surely, its quite exposing for you? Oh yes. People can come and hear me give a talk, but theyve never seen me do the work and you cant talk about what you do. But when you write a book, that is the first part of exposure. Then comes TED and the podcast. If you ask, What does Perel do? My colleagues know how I do.

Perel is 60 now; I wondered how she found being a relationship therapist when she was younger, in her 20s. Werent clients put off by her youth? Actually, Ive always found that the age of the clients goes up with me, she says. It mirrors. I dont know why. She doesnt think lived experience is necessary, though sometimes she wonders how she had the chutzpah to counsel parents before she became one herself (now she has two grown-up sons; shes still married to their dad, Jack Saul, who is a professor and an expert in psychosocial trauma). But then I have worked a lot with addiction, and Im not an addict.

Interestingly, she came to therapy via drama. Drama and collective trauma. She was the second child of Polish Jews who came to Belgium as Holocaust survivors (Perels first passport was a stateless passport of the UN). In Belgium, they became part of a community of 15,000 Jewish refugees.

Loss, trauma, dismantlement of the community, immigration, refugees All these themes that I observe in the world today, were basically mothers milk to me, she says. Everybody had an accent, a good number of people had the number on their arms. There were no grandparents around, there were no uncles. Its all I knew. Its different than if it was just your parents. Its every home I went to. One of Perels earliest memories is of card games where her parents would talk of a friend, and someone would say, casually, Ah, he was gassed, he didnt make it.

Perels parents had her older brother in 1946, then she came along 12 years later. This was not uncommon. When people came out of the camps, the first thing they did to prove that they were still human was to have a child. They waited to get their periods back, and then they had a child. But then there was a gap of 8, 10, 12 years before they had another. Perel thinks this was because the parents needed to establish themselves in society. Hers ran a clothes shop in Antwerp. The family lived above the shop. They spoke five languages: Polish, Yiddish, German, French and Flemish. Every evening they watched the news in German, French and Flemish, to get a good all-round view.

Divorce happens now not because we are unhappy, but because we could be happier: Esther Perel. Photograph: Jean Goldsmith for the Observer

As a teenager, she was interested in psychology, mostly because she hated the strictness of school. She read Summerhill: A Radical Approach to Child-Rearing, about a British school run like a democracy, and from there she moved to Freud. I was interested in understanding myself better and in people around me. People dynamics. I was quite melancholic and I was often wondering, How does one live better? How do you talk to your mother so she understands you better? Id say the primary ingredient I had was curiosity. I was a massively curious person I still am. She was also a good listener a confidante for her friends. I tell her she would have made a great journalist, and she agrees: That would have been my other career.

After school she went to study in Jerusalem, a university course that combined French linguistics and literature. More importantly, she developed her interest in theatre, which had begun in early adolescence. I assumed she was an actor, but shes talking of improv and street theatre, with puppets, of all things. Big ones, you hold them on two long high sticks, or I did hand puppets. She liked the immediate contact with people and gradually, she found herself merging these skills with her studies, doing theatre with gangs,with street girls,with Druze,with foreign students. At one point she went to Paris to study under Augusto Boal, who created the Theatre of the Oppressed. He would stage fake crises in everyday situations: actors pretending to have a physical row on the Metro, for instance. Perel found it interesting to see which passers-by would get involved and which would turn away.

She moved to New York to do her Masters. She specialised in identity and immigration How is the experience of the migrant different if it is voluntary migration or forced migration? and in how minority communities relate to each other. She led workshops for what were then called mixed couples: interracial, intercultural, interreligious. I knew the cultural issues. I knew how to run a group. I dont think I knew much about couples dynamics.

Around that time her husband, who is a few years older than her, suggested she might enjoy systemic family therapy. I ask what this is. For a long time when people looked at a problem, they thought the problem is located within the person, says Perel. But systemic family therapy thinks that a family, or a relationship, is made up of interdependent parts. What is the interactive dynamic that preserves this thing, that makes this child not go to bed? That makes this man never get a job? That makes this son be such a nincompoop? How is the family system organised around it? You need two to create a pattern, or three or four or five.

Its interesting how therapy has trends, I say, and how those trends manifest themselves in actual life. Couples therapy goes in parallel to the cultural changes and the expectations in a culture, says Perel. During the 1980s her married clients didnt come to her because their sex life was bad, they came because of domestic violence or alcoholism, not because we dont talk any more. Back then, the shame was to get divorced at all, even if one half cheated; now its not to get divorced if one half cheats. She saw clients having problems with infertility, the changing role of women and daughters, the Aids crisis. In the 90s, single mothers, blended families, gay couples with kids. Todays problems, she says, are often centred around people marrying later, after a sexually nomadic youth. Also, modern fatherhood dads wanting to be more involved in childcare and monogamy versus polyamory. Straight couples are becoming more gay, gay couples more straight.

The obvious question, of course, which she has been asked many times, is how Perels own relationship works. She doesnt like to give too many details, but what she does say is that she and Saul give each other a lot of freedom If youve had an interesting life, you have more to bring back, something that energises the couple and that they renegotiate their relationship as it changes. At the moment her husband is entering what she calls a third stage, and he wants to paint more. This means he will be away from New York a lot, while she is usually in New York or travelling herself. We need to, once again, come up with a new rhythm of how we create separateness and togetherness. Its a fundamental task.

She wants others not to copy her own relationship, but to use her work as a way to better their own relationship for themselves. And plenty do. Just the other week a young woman came up to her and asked for a selfie. She said, My boyfriend listens to you all the time, and he comes home and he says, Have you listened to this episode, we need to talk? The podcast is a transitional object, a bridge for conversation. Like a teddy bear that you hold and you say: Its OK, dont be worried.

Like when couples talk through their dog, I say.

Yes, she says. There is such disarray and such hunger about getting help on how we manage our relationships today, on navigating the challenges For the first time we have the freedom of being able to design our relationships in a way that we were never capable of doing before, or allowed to do before. So, I dont give the details of my relationship. Instead I will give you the tools to come up with your own thing.

Season 3 of Esther Perels Where Should We Begin is available exclusively on Audible from 5 October

Try this at home

Three ways to change the way you think about your partner at home

Pay attention to what is important to the other What happens in a couple is that we often give to the other what we want them to give to us. If somebody is upset, you dont talk to them, because when you are upset you like to be left alone. It isnt necessarily what they need.

Roles are often patterns rather than habits If you really want the other person to take out the rubbish, you have to be able to spend two weeks not doing it. You dont say anything. You just wait until the other person finally notices it. When youre not there, the other person sorts the bin. They can do it. Its just that when youre there theyd prefer not to.

Women are not less interested in sex than men, theyre less interested in the sex they can have What makes women lose that interest? Domesticity. Motherhood. The mother thinks about others the whole time. The mother is not busy focusing on herself. In order to be turned on you have to be focused on yourself in the most basic way. The same woman whos numb in the house gets turned on when she leaves. She doesnt need hormones. Change the story.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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silverhands-etcetera · 5 years

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Commando.

Back on the road, for the better part of a day. Weather was going in & out of squalls and sunshine while we were threading the needle out and around Antwerp & through the Netherlands.

We had said goodbye to our Belgian family. We left Bert on the platz in Temse, Slien on a train back to Ghent. We stayed with our new friend Reit, in her giant house in Bazel, and in the morning after coffee, she and Filip, and even Ginger the dog all followed us to the van to wish us happy travels to Berlin.

The logistics of getting to Berlin, -the time and trouble of crossing a patch of land so broad, can’t be rectified with any schedule or budget. At different points within the planning stages of this trip we had a gig leading either to or away from the show in Berlin. But that’s not how it went down. Newly blessed with the luxury of a full day to drive, and the potential of a full day of leisure and exploration in a major European metropolis, we found ourselves rolling onto the Hasenhiede a little after 10 pm, ready to soak up all that this city could throw at us.

—

I walked the Via de la Plata for several weeks last year, before making the northern detour to the Camino Frances. The sparseness of the trail down south forced an immediate collegiality between the handful of walkers on the same itinerary. Many close bonds came out of spending weeks or more in the same space & taking care of each other.

When I took the left turn on the Camino Frances, I was slightly overwhelmed by the sheer number of pilgrims walking the trail. The small family vibe of Via de la Plata was replaced by the total anonymity of a large, moving city. But one day at a detour on the trail, I happened to fall in step with an english speaker, -a scottish woman named Kate. We had a brief chat & a coffee and parted ways, only to find each other again at the next cafe, where Kate invited me to continue together a bit longer.

On a busy, overpopulated superhighway of pilgrims of every stripe, I had been unable to gravitate towards anybody on the same page. But we walked for the entire day, talked about basically everything & ended up at a hippie vegan hostel out in the middle of nowhere. We had a shot of bad blended scotch in the one bar in town, and in the morning we parted ways, after exchanging numbers and taking a fuzzy snapshot.

Kate went back to Glasgow after she finished the Camino, but her wandering took her to Berlin. (you might have been wondering where I was going with this). When we parked the van on Hasenheide, and trudged down the street with guitars on our backs & suitcases in hand at 10pm, it was Kate’s sweet Scottish brogue that called down to us from a third floor balcony, and buzzing us in to our home away from Lövenich.

It was good to see her. It was late. She had a busy day tomorrow, so she couldn’t join us for a drink just now.

Ok, maybe just one.

Down past the Hermannplatz, past the weird mushroom sculpture, there’s a row of bars -every one of them way too hip for the likes of me. Especially when I’m holding a paper bag with three big pretzels in it.

Kate meshes in with the band immediately. It doesn’t seem to matter where you are from, if you have seen enough of the world, you’ll always find a point where your story overlaps somebody else’s. This was the beginning of a recurring theme in Berlin.

—

Morning was dark, overcast. The street outside was puddled and the trees were showing evidence of bluster. I had Dee Dee Ramone’s “Born To Die In Berlin” playing in my head. I wished I had some decent gloves.

We had instructions to get to the best local bakery/coffeeshop, the Albatross Bakeri. Enough beautiful shining croissants, uber-cool statuesque baristas, and rich espresso drinks to make the Herkimer look like a Tukwila Starbucks. We could barely get a table, it was like we stumbled into a movie set without knowing what our lines were, or even what the scene was.

Leaving the Albatross, we headed north to the canal where we stumbled across an open market that spanned three blocks along the water. Sherri bought some oranges. At the next bridge we crossed over & took a turn to the right. We were crossing under the rail line when I think Sherri & I both spotted an awning on a shop across the way, which had a very deliberate-looking CBGB resemblance. We were drawn in, cutting across the median to get a closer look at what turned out to be a museum of Ramones memorabilia -The Ramones Museum Berlin.

My path through music goes in a lot of directions, but the reason I am here is the Ramones. I grew up nowhere near NYC, and I never heard them until long after their heyday, but hearing the Ramones sealed my fate for basically the rest of my life. The mythical characters and the songs worked their way into my being.

In the back room of this coffeeshop in Berlin, we accidentally stumbled upon handwritten lyrics in Joey’s OCD scrawl. Early posters & photographs. Joey’s pants. The pinhead mask. Odds & ends that I could spend days studying.

Near the back of the first room was a worn out Ampeg amplifier & cabinet. -Dee Dee’s bass amp. Like, the amp that Dee Dee plugged into & stood in front of every night. Most of the numbers were worn off of the faceplate and a couple of the knobs had been replaced with Rickenbacker-style guitar knobs. I don’t get affected very often by musical instruments, and I am rarely starstruck, but standing there in front of Dee Dee’s amp, I felt actual chills. He was always too much of a mess to be a real kind of hero to me, his personal and addiction issues defined his image so much and I couldn’t relate to those parts of his persona. Dee Dee was the one guy in the band who was swept up by what he was doing, the real working artist in the band -the guy I have the most respect for. Still somehow it was always easier for me to commiserate with Joey’s internal neuroses than with Dee Dee’s self destruction, but I loved his songs. He was the dark cloud that balanced out Joey’s pop and rainbows. They were both uniquely poetic and silly as songwriters, but Dee Dee was what made the Ramones heavy.

We hung out in that place for about two hours. I had forgotten the strong tie between the Ramones & Germany, specifically Dee Dee and Berlin.

Only in this city could I leave a place like this, that hit me so far inside of my own identity and understanding, only to walk a few blocks and be in the shadow of something that was a ubiquitous menace to half of the world, for decades of the cold war. I don’t have the perspective to find even half of the emotions still contained in the stretch of Berlin Wall that currently hosts the East Side Gallery. The feeling is just as overwhelming standing there looking at an old bass amp as it is walking next to an old concrete barrier, but the difference is, here next to The Wall you can’t escape it. It’s not a feeling that you keep inside of yourself, and you can’t just step away from it. Somebody put this here, to keep people where they wanted them to be. A million different people have looked at this wall from both sides for decades and have felt a million different things. The energy directed towards this structure over the years is still palpable as you walk by it.

The Wall ends half way through a block, giving you time to reset your bearing with a few retail shops & some new construction. You’re feeling almost normal again as you reach the next canal to cross back. We paused at a photo booth, and I popped into a ranch-style compound to get a beer to share while the pictures developed.

—

Aimee & I headed up in the van to the venue. The tech rider from the club insisted that drums were not allowed, but we would see about that. The first band was already loaded in -just a 2-pc, but with tons of gear, mostly electronic. Aimee had a short conversation with the sound engineer when he showed up, and before I knew it we were loading in the snare & hats. We spent about 45 seconds on soundcheck & ceded the stage to the other band. The room sounds good, we know what we’re doing, we’ve got a ton of drink tickets in our pockets.

—

On the Via de la Plata there’s just a few cities that I can remember by name. Zamora is one of that I’ll always recall, because it’s a beautiful city, and also because that’s where I met Ina & Jenny.

Jenny lives in Hamburg, she’s the younger sister, and Ina, the slightly older sister lives in Berlin. We walked from Zamora to Benevente, with a zig-zag along the way, spending almost every night in the same houses for a little over a week & a half. They were the last remnants of the southern crew of walkers that I fell in with before I joined the Camino Frances, and we all took the last diversion to Benevente together before they departed the camino. They were a great team -I enjoy watching families interact with each other outside of their inner circle. They would walk together all day, arriving leisurely at the hostels late in the afternoon, still arm in arm. We shared lots of cervezas on the patios in the evenings with the other peregrinos, talking about what the world looks like from the shoes we’re in, while Ina would draw little masterpieces with pen & ink on little blank index cards. I still have two of her original creations on a windowsill at home. Geometric & ambiguous, evocative symbols waiting for you to affix an emotion to them. -to me they’ll always look like cool overcast evenings, that Tracy Chapman song, damp stone floors and news from back home, from when Steve was still with us. That’s a lot of weight for a few lines of ink to carry, but it’s all still there to this day.

—

We were sitting at a table upstairs at the gig, having a beer, when a hazel-blonde woman bundled in a felt cloak walked to a table across the room. She scanned the room as she unwound her scarf, and her eyes eventually settled on our table. It was Ina, looking exactly like the urban version of the pilgrim I met on the trail. Cooler in her general understatement than any of the precious hipsters in the joint.

The convergence of two emigrants from the upper Mississippi valley, one native of Oban, three peregrinos, two Berliners, and one child of the GDR settled in around our little table -Just me, Aimee, Kate & Ina.

I’m not an incredibly outgoing personality, in opening up & making friends out of strangers, but here we were, a gang of travelers loosely tied, all in the van, cranking Big Star while traversing the streets of Berlin, picking up Sherri on the way, imagining producer credits and guest star billing being superimposed on our windshield somewhere in post-production.

Back at the gig, we returned in time to catch the opening band. Heavy on the loops and reverb decay. Ina & me & Aimee sat in a row of stools in the back, enthralled by the not-so-subtle theatrics.

I like following a band so different than us. The room sounds so good, we were able to play it like another instrument. I could hear every nuance of our singing, and the guitar could get nearly silent, giving us plenty of headroom for building up when we needed to. The little room was nearly full, and the people gushed their approval after each song. When we finished, the first four dudes who approached me had their phones out asking “are you on Spotify?” -Berlin is not a place for sales of hard copies. But they ate up the stickers and I helped them all find us on their favorite streaming platform. The times they do change.

2am, the ranks had thinned down. Kate & Aimee & I were at the Burgermeister, eating burgers & fries we didn’t even know we needed. A dude walked up to us & says “excuse me, were you just playing music up the street earlier? I really enjoyed your music.” We’re huge with the Burgermeister crowd. Long day in Berlin, so many directions, so good.

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