#but why i dislocated it so hard that i overextended two ligaments and tore a bunch of muscle fibres is still beyond comprehension

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Like yeah I can absolutely be charming and personable when I need to be, but I have to be in the correct headspace first. Like I have to not be catatonically depressed about my dog dying and my sister dying and winter in the north being so bleak!!! Can we talk about it

#like believe it or not i was actually such a good barista #i was bright; energetic; kind; funny; i had a good rapport with my colleagues and the customers #i used to sing orders & totals and i’d do a little boogie whenever i was on hot drinks (my favourite station. and i didn’t boogie #with drinks in my hand; promise) #but that was in the summer when i had an alive dog and two functioning knees!!!!! #okay honestly. my right knee is damn near fully functioning again. i mean yeah i still have a level of stiffness but it’s rare i’m actually #in pain with it. the inflammation only really flares up if i do too much or on very cold and wet days #my physio plans to discharge me in two weeks. it’s good! #but i’m still just like. i know what it is now; to have chronic pain for months on end & to recover from a long term injury #and to not trust a part of my body. and i don’t even know why it happened!!! #the working theory is that my knee at the time of the injury was a ticking time bomb because i had a weak shitty vmo (holds the kneecap in #the socket) and i have hypermobile knees (they bend backwards quite dramatically) #but why i dislocated it so hard that i overextended two ligaments and tore a bunch of muscle fibres is still beyond comprehension #all i was trying to do was approach the counter and ring up a customer order. like #so forgive me if i’m not exactly chirpy #like shit is a vicious cycle atm because the sadder i am the shittier everything seems and the worse things go in life #which just makes me increasingly more upset #i should seek therapy. i feel like when i requested therapy back in october and then cancelled it i cursed myself lol #my sister died like… a few days after that? and okay we were never close. we were estranged actually. hadn’t seen each other or spoken #in 12 years. but there’s this thing that happens where you start wondering what might’ve been. and you feel guilty that you weren’t close #like what Could we have been to each other. what if we had been close. what could i have helped her with. what could we both have learned #what if i’d met her kids. etc #and i’m so upset about mabel that i feel like throwing up. i just wish she was still here. i want to fight whoever invented canine dementia #i just wish everyone would leave me alone for a bit. let me cocoon myself until i’ve figured out my grief and the evenings are lighter #and everything seems less pointless. maybe then i’ll be able to fake being happy for long enough that someone will give me a fucking job #personal

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This woman tests me every time I see her and for what

#so me and my old coworker (who is the person i’m complaining about) went to visit our mutual friend and her 3 week old baby #to her credit she suggested a very sane plan. pick me up at the co-op; i’ll navigate since i know where this person lives; we’ll walk to the #park which is very close to our friend’s house; and we can sit down there and all cuddle the baby #stay for like half an hour maximum and then our friend and the baby can go nap #and that did all go to plan but tell me why the first thing my coworker said when she saw me was ‘oh you’re still limping then?’ #yes karen i dislocated my knee eight weeks ago; tore one ligament; overextended another; tore multiple muscle fibres and now i have a muscle #imbalance and fluid on my kneecap. today’s walk is brought to you by two cocodamol and a sock brace #it did rub me the wrong way lol because i feel like i’ve been making a lot of progress these past couple of weeks and to hear her dismiss #me saying that with ‘you’re still limping’ was like…. yeah i know i am but i’d rather be limping than just not moving at all #i don’t need the cane anymore. i don’t have a quad lag anymore. i can stand up for longer than 10 minutes. these are Improvements #and then i’m holding the baby and she says ‘is this making you broody’ oh girl absolutely not #i love kids; i think they’re adorable. i’ll babysit and i’ll entertain them but i absolutely love giving them back to their parents #at the end of the day. like. seeing my very good friend exhausted & hearing about her emergency c-section while her baby boy screams for no #reason is VERY good birth control actually karen. thank you for asking #and then on the way back all she does is complain about her spoiled grandson and how awful her daughter in law is and i’m. 😐 #i’m grateful to her for giving me a lift there and for facilitating this. and i do think she is overall a good person #but some people are hard to get along with. and for me whose tolerance for bullshit is right near zero it’s.. it’s a lot #personal